r/Divorce • u/Hear_me_out_ye • 14d ago
Life After Divorce Divorced dads of long marriage - does anyone else grieve the former family life they lost - without missing their ex?
I’m a divorced father of four (15, 13, 11, 9) from a 18 year marriage. I’ve remarried 2 years ago. My new marriage is genuinely good. I love my wife, I’m happy with her, and I have absolutely no desire to get back together with my ex. I don’t miss my ex, and I don’t miss the marriage.
But I still get sad and reminisce sometimes, and I’ve struggled to understand exactly what I’m grieving.
I think it’s the loss of everyday fatherhood.
I went from being part of my kids ordinary daily lives to seeing them for a few of hours a week. Sometimes my eldest doesn’t come. I have no influence and no control and she doesn’t want to mediation and barely communicates despite my attempts. We have a long standing co parenting agreement.
I miss the completely mundane stuff, just having them around, knowing what’s going on in their lives without having to ask, being able to guide them, and feeling like I actually have some influence as their dad.
That loss hurts enormously sometimes.
There’s anger mixed into it too. Before and during the divorce I had a much more optimistic picture of what cooperative co-parenting would look like. It was good for a couple of years and then it deteriorated when I got married again - ex just suddenly became way less amicable.
There’s also this strange lingering thought of: I don’t actually want the marriage back but damn the problems were somewhat solvable. We had longstanding problems, including intimacy and attraction, and we tried tens of hours of counselling and various other things over 4-5 years. It wasn’t an impulsive decision.
So I’m in this weird position where I can simultaneously say: I’m glad I got divorced. I love my new wife and the life we’re building. I don’t miss or love my ex. And I’m still deeply sad about what divorce cost me with my children.
I think I’m grieving the intact family structure and the version of fatherhood that disappeared with it.
For other divorced parents who are genuinely happier after divorce: did you experience this difficulty still? Did the grief over losing everyday life with your children eventually settle? And how did you become the best parent you could be when your actual time and influence became much smaller?
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u/Guru_of_Glaze 14d ago
This is typical. I still feel pangs of loss for our life as a family unit sometimes, although I don't miss my ex anymore. The little routines, shared celebrations, inside jokes and experiences stay with you and surface in your memory at unexpected times. Over time you learn to experience them for what they are, and let them pass. They become less painful and more just passing remembrances of a life lived.
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u/breadit8 14d ago
I view my family as complete when it’s just the kids and me, because that’s our intact family now, and it gives me joy. If one of the kids can’t make it, it’s still good. There’s just more time to concentrate on the ones who are there. Marrying a cheater was devastating, but my kids make life better.
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u/AdRough8864 14d ago
Yeah I think it's normal especially if you have such limited time with your kids. I'm 50/50 with my kids, which has its pros and cons, but I still grieve the fact that I lose them every other week, and I have watched them really struggle with the divorce and splitting homes. Add on the fact that, like you, our issues were solvable, and yes I grieve the loss of our marriage and the life we built- at least the bulk of the marriage.
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u/Comfortable_Way_1261 14d ago
I don't miss my ex at all, I don't like who he became. I do miss though the version of him that was the other half of my soul for a while. I miss the idea of a united family, that I wish I had and I wished I could give my kids. I miss the future we planned together, the future that I envisioned, and that's never going to happen. I miss the possibility mostly. What could have been. And I really miss the old him. The one in my photos, the one I know does not exist anymore. Whoever is wearing his face now is a complete stranger to me. Everything we built just collapsed.
And I am truly happy now, don't get me wrong. It's just... I miss my perfect story, that's not going to happen again. Because it was threaded with naivity and wonder and unstained hope, generated by a blissful youth and not too much self awareness or knowledge of how the world works.
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u/B00gieBeast 14d ago
Losing my family was way worse than losing my partner. Never once regretted divorcing her, but missed my family immensely.
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u/Door_Number_Four 14d ago
I’m going to ask a delicate question- how soon after your divorce did you meet your new wife?
I got remarried four years after my divorce, and had two more kids since . Got full custody of my son. My daughter was older (16) at the divorce, and listened to/ absorbed a lot of her mom’s rhetoric.
On her 24th birthday, I took her out for a beer and told her she could ask anything. She had some very interesting notions on why my marriage fell apart , and once I poked some holes in the stories she was told, our relationship has been better.
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u/Seemedlikefun 14d ago
I wish that family therapy could be written into divorce settlements, when they involve minor children. I don't understand how waiting or cooling off periods have been written into legislation, but emotional or mental health for minors, gets ignored. What are we doing here?
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u/DameDichotomy 14d ago
Soon to be divorced mom here (separated two years). I can empathize a little. We have 50/50 split custody and we keep it at that. I do miss “family life”, but don’t miss my ex at all. My kids and I do go out and do things together and we play games and we just started playing instruments together. But it still feels….. broken. Incomplete. It does make me sad. I wish there was something I could do to fix it, but there just isn’t.
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u/PurringWolverine 14d ago
I mean, you and your ex could try and reconcile, but based on your post that doesn’t seem like an option. Is there a reason why?
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u/DameDichotomy 14d ago
Is there a reason why we aren’t going to reconcile? You want me to try to describe the nuances of the failures of our relationship in a read-able Reddit post? The easiest answer is that I don’t love him (after years and years of loving him dearly and being mistreated) and can’t live with him. Like I said, I don’t miss him at all. I just miss feeling like a family. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s much better without him in my life than it would have been together.
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u/Any-Maize-6951 14d ago
Of course. Grieving is not just about the marriage, but about the life you envisioned for yourself and your family!
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u/WeakCryptographer777 14d ago
This type of loss is part of what keeps me in my bad marriage. Whether that is sensible is of course debatable.
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u/Emotional-Ratio-8548 13d ago
Yes.
Your identity as a part of the family unit, as the father in the family, is gone. The future you imagined is gone. The stability of that is gone. This is the most heartbreaking part of divorce in many ways.
All you can do is go work on yourself and clean up your side of things and take accountability for it. Then move on. It’s always going to be there for both you and your ex.you can’t change her or the situation, but you can become more emotionally intelligent, self aware and confident, you can rebuild your life and get into a rewarding relationship again. It takes work. Do therapy and divorce coaching, exercise and see your part, find peace somewhere in it.
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u/Flashy-Celery-9105 14d ago
Can you/did you pursue 50/50?
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u/Hear_me_out_ye 14d ago
Cannot now. The kids don’t want to do more time with me. They’re comfortable in their primary home
Originally wanted 48 hours a week, but she refused, although said ‘you can see the kids anytime’. We settled on 24 hours + one evening a week.
Over time she said “the kids can decide” and the kids tend to decide with what is majority of their life. It’s now shrunk to one evening + 5 hours a week, and my eldest often doesn’t come
People say don’t stay for the kids (even in an otherwise tame but dead marriage environment) , but have no idea how hard it is on the other side.
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u/glittermcgee 14d ago
How were you planning on having “everyday fatherhood” with two days a week? And then you settled for like 30 hours?
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u/duhvorced Divorced 2014, remarried 2017, blended family 14d ago
I was on the other side of the “let the kids decide“ approach. My son preferred to spend more time at my place than at my exe’s, and that caused a little bit of friction.
My advice to you on this would be to be clear with your ex that if that’s how you’re going to approach this, then she needs to be supportive of you wanting to be a part of their lives. That means encouraging them to take advantage of opportunities to spend time with you, and helping to create such opportunities.
It’s true that you can’t force kids that age to spend time with the other parent if they don’t want to, but there’s a big difference between a primary parent who is supportive of your efforts and one who is actively subverting them. If your ex is more the latter, it may be time to assert yourself a bit more. Start documenting the efforts you’re making, and the ways in which she’s getting in the way of those. Start building a court case for actual 50-50 custody.
Hopefully you don’t actually have to go to court over this, but that willingness to fight for your kids may motivate her to take things a bit more seriously. And there may come a day when your kids will appreciate the links you were willing to go to to be a part of their lives.
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u/Melodic_Preference60 14d ago
I think the people who say don’t stay for the kids say that to avoid feeling guilty for making the choice to leave. if there’s no abuse, or cheating.. and it’s just a feeling of unhappiness that is usually actually deep within a person, why would you choose to put your kids through that?
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u/My_name_is_mud2945 14d ago
Eeh, I think it's so people don't model loveless or dysfunction relationships for their kids. The mom should not have made it "up to the kids" so early. It doesn't seem like she's helping facilitate the relationship. Shoe on the other foot and the kids loved dad, dad should facilitate kids going to mom's too.
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u/Specialist-Credit657 13d ago
I don’t think that’s the only alternative, you loved each other once surely there is a way to love one another again if there hasn’t been irreparable damage. Divorce is just brutal on kids
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u/JackNotName I got a sock 14d ago
I think it is much more nuanced than that.
Abuse and cheating are not the only reasons. If parents are fighting all the time, the kids are better of if they separate as well. Even if it's just a feeling of unhappiness, the situation can devolve to a point where divorce is best for everyone long term. (or at least most)
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u/Comfortable_Way_1261 13d ago
How do you reconcile differences that we didn't notice at the beginning because we were really young, but having kids brought them out and we discovered are extremely incompatible? How can you raise kids with different parenting styles? How can you live with someone who does not respect you? How do you live with someone who does not face the consequences of their actions and plays the eternal victim? How can you convince someone that raising kids implies a long term strategy and results appear in time, when they get frustrated that in the moment it's not working because they are acting like, well, children? How do you cohabitate with someone who takes your self development personally and views every thought and suggestion as a personal attack? How can you healthily raise kids with someone who has a big ego and sees you as a threat to it? And overrides your parenting style and goes over your word frequently in front of the kids, even though they did not want to contribute to the initial decision making?
No, not every problem is solvable. And not every incompatibility is obvious from the start.
My ex always critiqued me, that I'm too strict, that I have too many rules, that I'm somehow making him look like a bad parent. We got divorced, he convinced himself that I was a narcissist, kept badmouthing me in front of the kids and saying I have too meny rules. Guess how that turned out? He was inconsistent on his parenting time, his lack of rules meant endless punishments and fighting with the kids, and now he is completely overwhelmed with school and everything and since meeting his new girlfriend, guess what he did? That's right, started setting rules. And he recently reached out because what they have is not working and now suddenly my approach seems to make sense. Because I do get results.
I am pretty annoyed by this now though (I used to be angry) and I ask you honestly, no cheating involved, no abuse, but how do you reconcile that? And trust me, the kids were affected, my son (who was only 8 at the time) said it was the right thing to do because we fought all the time.
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u/kaladin1029 14d ago
This is my fear precisely. My primary connection to my kids, is through my wife, and they'd choose her over me 11 times out of 10. Sigh
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u/parentmanipulation 14d ago
There is often no way to be entirely happy with choices like these. You can have an outcome you want and an outcome you don’t simultaneously, neither one negating or making up for the other. Going through life and getting older involves so much grief because more and more of these choices arrive as your life continues than when it started out. Possibilities become narrower until there are none left.
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u/Bad_wit_Usernames 14d ago
I have only just kind of started to think about dating after my divorce six years ago. We were married for about 15 years and I will under no circumstances, ever take my ex back. I've spoken on here extensively about what she did to me during the ending of our marriage.
I can assume my next marriage will be vastly different. I was in the military during my first marriage so we moved around a lot, lived overseas throughout Europe for almost 12 years. Lived in different countries and traveled a bit. Kids went to school in the local school system as well. It was incredibly easy for us to travel and see things, immersing ourselves in the cultures and economy.
I'm retired from the military now and very stationary. Which mean NONE of the previous stuff will happen. I can't say for certain but I'm sure I will miss some aspects of my previous marriage that won't be in any future relationships.
I'll never have again what I had before, but that doesn't mean what I will eventually get won't allow me to be happy in it's own fashion.
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u/Seabrook76 14d ago
Reading what you wrote really spoke to me. I’m going through a very similar experience myself without a new marriage. My relationship with my kids is pretty much a day by day thing although we try to regularly talk. It’s not the same as having them in the house every day which I miss but I don’t miss being married to my ex. I’m just trying to learn that I can’t have everything in life and that I can’t allow my happiness to be attached to outcomes. It’s a work in progress. I wish you luck my friend. 👍
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u/Melodic_Preference60 14d ago
Well, truly, it sounds like you left for “greener pastures” and focused on getting a new wife and sex vs seeing your kids… and your kids likely felt that 🤷♀️ (15 year old not really wanting to see you, you seeing them not a lot, and having to ask them questions)
Sounds like this was predictable
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u/Icy-Arm-6302 10d ago
Honestly yeah, especially if he married quicker or someone younger. There's so many scums out there, that it's easy to think that their dad might be one too. Especially for the daughters, he either proves that wasn't the case or they'll feel uncomfortable forever.
But even then, some kids just prefer one home to another. If they don't like the new environment at their dad's, then he shouldn't and can't force them. Let them be.
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u/stopltracr 14d ago
I am in your same situation. 49M, divorced, remarried, just had a baby with my new wife.
My ex was a narcissist and tried to turn my kids against me. They would come stay sometimes in the beginning, but my son (21) went to school out of state and my daughter (23) decided to live with her mom. I see my daughter once every couple weeks for lunch or dinner. Only like an hour or so. I see my son a lot less. Only for lunch or dinner whenever he’s in town (or tells me he’s in town). They both aren’t happy about my marriage or baby. They say I’m replacing them. I make sure to remind them that I invite them over for dinner every week, I invited them out for my birthday, I have told them they are always welcome to stay or visit. They’re welcome on vacations I will take with my wife and new baby. I told them all I can do is create the opportunities, I can’t make you take them.
But it’s rough every day. I kept the family home. I should have sold it. Way too many memories and they both still have bedrooms here.
I often miss the way things used to be with my kids and I. I tell myself maybe the old marriage was fixable. But the truth is that the empty nest would have happened eventually and it sucks.
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u/Greyhound_Fan 14d ago
Never had kids, but I miss my inlaws and lazy weekends. I occupy my time now, but it's tough.
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u/KickPuncher4326 14d ago
No, I know exactly what you mean. And listen, mourning this change does not diminish your current marriage in anyway. This makes the most sense and tends to be the way with good dads.
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u/Hear_me_out_ye 14d ago
Thank you friend. Can you please explain more. It’s as if I don’t know how to mourn - I feel a sadness and a kind of anger. Would you be kind enough to describe how to mourn well - sorry I know it sounds whack to ask this
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u/KickPuncher4326 14d ago
The great news is you're already half way there; feeling it. Feeling it is the way to go forward. Like consciously sit with it. I experienced and continue to experience a devastating loss. And I'm sad, and angry about that. And that is okay.
Then when you've felt it, what is going well? Your new relationship? Your connection to the kids? Is co-parenting improving? Naming the things that are going well and that you're happy about is the way to move your brain towards things like gratitude. Then, ask yourself what do you need? Are you missing your kids, maybe you can take a few minutes to call them and let them know you're thinking of them. I find when I'm feeling sad, going to the person I love or am missing and actually saying that makes the sadness pass.
Too often as men we're told to just shove shit down. Nah man, actually sit with your feelings. They're not there to harm you they're there to inform.
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u/Specialist-Credit657 14d ago
Husband and I just separated two months ago not 2 years ago but are you saying you have a new wife but still need to do mediation with your ex? So are you divorced from your ex? Was going to add and share more but just want to make sure I’m hearing you right first.
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u/Hear_me_out_ye 14d ago
Divorced 2023, I remarried 2025
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u/butyourenice 14d ago
Pretty quick recovery from an 18-year marriage tbh. Was there some overlap?
The kids may be feeling discarded. Even if their mom isn’t “poisoning” them as others are assuming, it’s not uncommon for kids to choose their custodial parent over the one who left, nor is it uncommon for kids to harbor delusions about their parents getting back together, and a remarriage disrupts that and finally makes the divorce “real.”
How come, even as your “reach,” you only ever wanted 48 hours of custody a week? I understand she refused, but 1. You could’ve fought, since 50-50 is the default by statue and in practice in most states, and 2. You only wanted 2 days a week in the first place, which I’m struggling to see how that would maintain the family dynamic you claim to miss. Why did you aim so low to start?
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u/LunaticMcGee Divorced Jan 2024 14d ago
I feel ya, I miss seeing my son everyday. So when I do see him, I try to be with him as much as possible.
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u/Affectionate-Bus5347 14d ago
Absolutely, 100%
Married 34 years, divorced 1 year, soon to be remarried.
Fortunately my children are adults (24/26) and yet I feel so much guilt and mourn the past.
Some of it is nostalgia for the happy times in the past, part of it is regret for mistakes I made. Some of it is anger at myself for not being my best self.
I now have a 7 y/o stepdaughter who is amazing and at the end of the year I’m getting married again. I’m in it to win it this time around but sometimes I cry about the past and the pain I’ve caused.
You can only live life moving forward. You need to learn from your mistakes, be your best self and work to rebuild the relationship with the kids.
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u/Rebootingat50 12d ago
You can be glad you divorced and still grieve what it cost. Both are true, and one doesn't cancel the other.
I'm on the other side of the custody split, so I won't pretend to know what going to a few hours a week feels like. But the shape of fatherhood changes either way, and what's held up for me is simple: show up when you said you would, every time, and keep the adult stuff out of their world. Kids notice who's consistent, even when they don't say it.
On your eldest, 15 is also when kids pull away from both parents. Some of that may be the divorce, and some may just be 15. Keeping the door open without pressure matters more than it looks like in the moment: a text that doesn't need a reply, an offer to grab food just the two of you.
Less time means each piece of it carries more weight. That's hard, but it's also where your influence still lives.
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u/Icy-Arm-6302 10d ago
Honestly, it depends on the kids. Especially since yours are conscious enough to make their own decisions, if they don't feel comfortable in your new home/environment or just overall don't wanna see you because their life is busy and they prefer to stay at their mom's, then that's that unfortunately.
You can try to talk it out with your ex, but overall it's the kids who have to deal with everything, so their opinion and feelings matter most. Sometimes, some kids already feel distant emotionally from their fathers, especially daughters, and when they leave, they take it even more heavily as abandonment or you choosing a new wife and a new life over them, possibly new kids which makes them not even wanna try to fit into your life when it should be the opposite. Ultimately, that's the price you'll have to pay. Forcing them, or forcing the issue will just make them hold more grudges.
They could also just be growing older and getting busier, so you would've be seeing them much anyways, especially since they'd have to commute to yours, which just feels like a hassle with how busy kids these days can get.
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u/Ok_Grapefruit_2044 14d ago
Yes, I miss the family unit we once shared.. stability and daily routines. It feels like someone robbed me honestly.
I know that it will never be the same and it makes me very sad.
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u/Beeks525 14d ago
Yes, I miss my family (even though she was/is a trainwreck). It will never be the same and it’s the hardest thing for me to grieve. I always wanted a family, and I had it for a short time.
I’ll always remember a summer trip we took in 2022, it was perfect. Kids were finally old enough that they were self sufficient for the most part. I loved that trip and always think what if. But it’s not possible because she’s a gold digger that cheated twice. What could have been.
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u/duhvorced Divorced 2014, remarried 2017, blended family 14d ago
Ex and I were together for 19 years, married 16. Our son was 5yo when we separated. That was 13 years ago. I’ve since remarried (together 12 years, married 9, with an 18yo stepdaughter). We did 50-50 custody with my son until my ex passed away from alcohol related kidney disease last year. I have him full-time now. My wife and I have had full custody of her daughter the whole time.
Needless to say, I don’t feel quite the same sense of loss of time with my kid(s) as you do. And part this is because my ex and I managed to be flexible and respectful coparent, even as we were navigating the challenges of new partners. But that shit is hard. Really hard. (I’ll spare you the details of what it took to smile, shake hands with my ex’s affair partner, and say “nice to meet you”)
But I think other commenters are right. A lot of this is age related. Ages 11 to 15 are challenging. Your kids are pushing out into the world, you’re no longer the center of their attention, and they just generally don’t want or need to spend time with you.
The last few years my stepdaughter was home before going off to college I felt lucky to see her for five minutes a day, or exchange more than a few words with her. And I considered that to actually be a really good relationship!
Having four kids doesn’t help. They are one another’s family and support system, and the divorce has probably reinforced that bond. And their “safe space“ is that their mom‘s, so convincing all of them to venture out of that to do stuff with you is a real challenge, but you know all that.
The best advice I can give you is to play the long game here. You can’t force your kids to spend time with you, but you can show that you want to be a loving, supportive part of their lives. And at this age that’s gonna manifest in little ways - being there for school events, picking them up when they unexpectedly need a ride, and their mom isn’t available, and even just supporting their mom when it comes to imposing consistent structure and discipline.
That takes patience though. You have to be content just moving the needle a little bit at a time, hoping that it’ll add up to a day where they understand what it is you’re doing and why.
Other than that, all I can do is say that because you don’t have primary custody, your ex is going to be the gatekeeper of your relationship with your kids, for better or worse. You can try to go around her, but it’ll be much easier if you can go through her, if she’s on board with whatever effort you’re making to be a part of your kids lives.
So figure that out. Figure out what is getting in the way of her being the amicable, cooperative coparent she was before.
In the meantime, be patient and kind. Hopefully they will come a day when they all see you for the loving and supportive father you want to be, but there’s no fixed timeline for that. It may take a year or a decade or more. So do what is right for your kids because it’s the right thing to do, not because it’s the right thing for you.
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u/Isit_myturnnow 14d ago
The second I told her to leave I have missed my family, but not her. She is ruined now and I want nothing to do with her, but I sure do miss my family and being a husband. I missed it so much this last weekend because me and the kids had so much fun, I couldn't help but to think this would have been an amazing day with the family and she would have had so much fun. But that will never happen and I need to learn to let go. My family is still my family, but now there is only 3 of us.
Then it kills me because I am going to miss out on those type of days when they do stuff with her. See their smiles and hearing them talk about it was amazing, but I am no going to miss out on some of those moments. She new haw much that meant to me, but she didn't care. She didn't care about our family so now its broken. I'm broken, but shes happy.
So yeah I miss my family, but not her.
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u/Spirited_Arugula1377 14d ago
I’m starting to feel an easing of the missing of the ex. I mean, what I miss is the person she was before she surprise divorced me and instantly became a different person. But it’s been almost two years and I’m dating and feeling pretty good about that. I’ll always grieve the loss of that family unit, of that shared history. I fear her asking to reconcile any time soon because I might entertain the notion even though I’m fairly certain it wouldn’t be a great idea. I just don’t think she’ll ever really change. I hope for her sake she works through her issues, but it doesn’t currently look very good.
I keep an altar in my home to honor that family unit. I was so heartbroken and the only thing that kept me alive was needing to be here for my daughters. Anyhow, I’m just rambling now. I’m sorry that you’re in the same club.
I won’t date anyone that isn’t into getting to know to my kids (at an appropriate time, of course, after establishing a solid long term connection) because I do hope for some of that kind of family energy. Very open to dating someone that has kids and might even prefer that?
Good luck, Brother. I wish you lots of peace and clarity and to find/keep that feeling of being whole again 🙏🏾🙌🏾
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u/AwkwardAd3995 13d ago
Divorced mom who does. I am older and empty nesting showed us both that we loved family but didn’t like eacother.
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u/oneton62 13d ago
I'm a few years behind you in this process and I'm really grieving what you're describing the most so far. The wife isn't someone I want to be around moving forward but I'm really concerned about not being part of my teens daily routine and knowing them and their lives more fully. Does it get better?
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u/unlovable1000 13d ago
I had a conciling season awhile back. Where you set there and think out both situations. If your ex said everything could go back to normal and you could have the life back with your family and work on your differences would you do it ( if you didn't have a new wife) Spend a full day playing out that situation in your mind. Then the next day think about your life now. After both see which one makes you feel more complete. I know it sounds cheesy but it supposed to help you get closer and remember why you made the choices.
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u/fuckswithboats 13d ago
💯
I’m sad we won’t have a single home for the grandkids to visit.
I miss my family
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u/ajnabi57 13d ago
Spot on. I really miss the mundane things and being in the family. My son and I chat regularly (he's 23) but my 19 year old daughter has made me no contact. Wont respond to any communication from me. I dont miss my ex at all or the marriage but i do miss the kids and just being dad.
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u/Boomhower113 13d ago
I’ve said it a thousand times: There are certain things I miss about the life I had. But, I absolutely don’t miss her.
She gave me a gift by making the divorce process so difficult when it didn’t need to be. I knew once it was final that I would never want for her ever again; and I haven’t.
Mostly, I miss her parents. Her dad and I were pretty much best friends and they were a lot of fun to be around. But, I’m way happier now even without him around. Although, I still see him at my kid’s events from time to time and we are able to fall right back into place.
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u/Broad_Worldliness546 14d ago
I can relate when you say fatherhood was taken away. Although my oldest does respect me, most of the time she does not come over to visit me. It hurt the most last Christmas when she refused to come take the annual Santa pictures. It was my annual tradition and it meant so much for me.
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u/Hear_me_out_ye 14d ago
That really hurts friend, and you’re living it :(
I have many smaller moments of hurt (nothing for Father’s Day not even a quick handmade card even when I had asked, often running off without even saying bye when I drop them off, no real appreciation for gift - no thank yous etc) but I soldier on and keep up my effort without showing my emotions
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u/warhoop007 14d ago
Believe it or not.( do your own research)
The bonding that happens in the subconscious is years of downloading. All the senses are used for the download which is a massive amount of information.
All the triggers of happiness, gratitude, love, fear, anger, amazement….all come out.
Most of all our Kids download in an ultimate pace. I have moments when I look at my Oldest (13m) and see the similarities.
Yes it’s hard but the growth that comes from it helps my boys cope better with the process of change. We are quantum beings and those frequencies that hold everything together are absorbent. Continue to give it love and truth… as you know when we dedicated our lives to our kids we became something else. And change will continue to happen. Hang in there I don’t think they ever go away… and I’m okay with that:).
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u/jvxoxo 14d ago
I just talked about this with my boyfriend. We’re both divorced with children and I did celebrate the first anniversary of my divorce. He said he understood why it meant a lot to me, but he saw not being able to save his marriage as a failure, even though he was putting in the bulk of the effort to improve the dynamic. He had a hard time losing the husband part of his identity and how his experience as a father inevitably changed with the shift to 50/50 parenting time. He absolutely knows that divorce was the best thing for him and is quite happy and thriving despite having to end the marriage. And I think that’s okay. It’s a complex situation to be in that none of us would choose if we didn’t have to.
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u/The3DBanker Upset 14d ago
This reads weird. Like, why don’t you have 50/50 joint custody? Why doesn’t your eldest come? Something sounds procedurally wrong here.
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u/butyourenice 13d ago
He didn’t even want 50/50, he only wanted 48 hours a week in the first place and settled for even less. I’m suddenly less sympathetic to the OP lament when I learned that.
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u/wehav2 14d ago
Some of your feelings of loss can be from your kids just growing up. I chose to stay in my bad marriage and I grieve the loss of the daily activities of parenthood now that mine are grown. The one still at home is distant and somewhat surly. It’s possible yours is going through a similar phase made more painful to you because they can choose not to see you. I imagine seeing you with a new spouse is hard for them, especially if your ex struggles now and then.