Im new to learning about BPD. I broke up with my BPD ex after a very toxic period. I notice a lot of people report hoovering but I also notice this tends to come from the dynamic in which the BPD discards the pwoBPD. How does this hoovering dynamic change in a situation where you discarded the BPD (& also caused a massive ego hit through a very hard final discard message).

I am in no way hoping for a hoover, since learning about BPD its absolutely fascinating how it was a play by play of everyone else’s experience with a BPD partner.

However, I do want to be prepared incase it does come. I will remain no contact but given we live relatively close to each other, im worried about the methods & liklihood of it happening.

I assume abandoning them & a final payload ego destroying message would keep them far away for good?

I assume I will be permanently split black for life?

Thanks everyone. Your stories have been instrumental in me navigating this whole situation. I have been no contact for 5 weeks (blocked them on everything)

I wish everyone the best recovery & I am also open to any conversations if I can support or assist anyone!

Context : 2 year relationship, she definitely wasn’t cheating or had a new FP lined up (although no doubt she will likely find one quickly), we spent literally every second of everyday for 2 years straight together.

I watched this vid about BPD and the guy said that around 30% of pwBPD face remission 1 year into the relationship, and 90% of pwBPD face remission 16 years into a relationship.

My ex didn’t want to take accountability after we broke up and thought she did nothing wrong.

Am I overthinking for thinking I could’ve worked things out with her?

Its been 3 months after i left that bitch and to this day, im not able to leave the house anymore, i cannot sleep properly and my anxiety which i had before her, got worse.

It was my first relationship in my life and i was vulnerable, showed her love and spend everyday with her just so that bitch can hurt me and leave me

Every fucking time i go out out the house, im getting anxious of seeing her, i just dont want to life like this anymore. Ive been analyzing every car that passes by and check if its her. Man i dont deserve this, i treated her good and this is what life gives me as return

Fuck you bitch hope you rott here and in hell after you die

Its something ive been struggling with for a long time. My girlfriend often gets upset, and no matter what I try she just seems to get more upset at me. Ive talked to her about things that I can do that will better help her but no matter what it happens again

Im tired of crying every night and I need help, Im fully aware that its not my fault but I want to be able to talk to her properly so I can help her as well

Mine:  "It's in your soul that the true distortion lies"

There are so many stories here of the devastation suffered from relations with people with BPD.

I want to ask about the words and actions that got you hooked up in the first place - lovebombing etc..

My person spoke to me in this particular way...she told me I was the most wonderful thing ever, the one she loved more than anyone else she ever met. She told me our love was eternal, a symphony that echoes eternally. As I sent voice notes to her, she told me it was like opera to her ears. She told me she was absolutely head over heels in love with me and would do anything to be the person I needed her to be.

Sound familiar at all? This kind of language got me hooked, addicted. I think I was naive to let sentiments like that sway me so much. Seems manipulative in hindsight.

Tell us your experiences of being seduced into love!

Since the breakup she changed completely who she is, her tastes and hyperfixations. Not only that she is like "my friends understand me so well" when 1 week before the breakup she was calling them all sorts of names and wishing on their downfall.

I'm no longer shocked by this since she's probably giving me the same treatment but still it feels pathetic and shameless to treat your friends and relationships like this.

But it doesn't matter since it won't make them change their behavior. I've seen diagnosed borderlines acknowledge their actions, acknowledge that they regret said actions, but will repeat said actions to other people never changing, acknowledging that this is a major reason they are alone later on in life, but still doing nothing to actually fix the behavior.

It's interesting that they can acknowledge their actions lead to destruction, but still have no desire to stop said destruction from happening by changing how they behave.

i bet he's thinking

My exPWD recently had a psychological evaluation after being diagnosed with bpd before their current evaluation “cleared” them as not having no symptoms or underlying issues for bipolar and bpd, even though they acknowledged the past diagnosis.. Is this accurate? How trustworthy is this evaluation?

I am at the very beginning of my healing journey. I feel like one of the worst times for me is at night; my thoughts start racing, I'm replaying conversations and moments, I feel like I can't breathe, can't sleep, can't think straight or trust my own memories or feelings. Is that common? How have you dealt with this if you have felt this way too? I just want to sleep through the night again...

Like they don’t plan for the week, or the next few days or months. It’s kind of like they are just living for …today. Like if I were to reach out to my ex and hang out with him, and ask him what his plans are..it would be like he’s flying by the seat of his pants. Like spur of the moment “oh yes I need to go here” “oh yes I have to go here too” Just very…sporadic? I always felt my ex thinks out loud too..then if I ever got confused and asked what he said he says “I’m just talking to myself.” Oh! And if I ever was in a happy mood, he’d start prying as if someone else made me happy, like “why are YOU in a good moods today?” Says it playfully but almost like he doesn’t trust that I’m maybe happy because of THEM. Very suspicious all the time. All those things caused me so much anxiety.

So I’m finally in therapy now, and I’ve already told my therapist about my experience dating a pwBPD. I’ve told her my overall goal is to love myself more and maybe work on my self esteem / body image - just insecurities overall. She said it was vague and was trying to get me to narrow it down more but I honestly don’t even know where to start with self love 😂 This is my second time ever in therapy but the last time was mainly focused on my sleep issues and stress. So I guess if anyone knows more I guess specific goals I could work on with her that is in the realm of self love please lmk!

Also, do you guys find therapists who specifically focus on healing from relationships involving cluster B? How do you guys find people specializing in that?

TIA!!!

I want to thank you guys, 1½ years ago I was a complete wreck when I had just broken up with my exBPD. It was horrible, sometimes it felt like coming off drugs.

I remember stumbling upon this subreddit when I was still in the relationship with her. It was already messed up but while reading on here I kept thinking "well it's not all bad", "I know she loves me" and "people with BPD deserve love too". Until it got so bad that my vision would turn black whenever I would hear her voice. My nervous system was completely fried towards the end. The next six months to a year or I was very anxious and depressed so I posted on here a lot and read all you guys stories.

Now tonight it just occurred to me: I have thought about her in quite a while, and when I do think about her I don't feel anything! No loss, no anger, no feelings of injustice, just "ok yeah that happened". I'm free again. Actually quite looking forward to the future too.

I remember reading similar posts when I was going through the break up and thinking "yeah right, things will never be ok again with me" so I thought I had to post something, give back.

To anyone reading this going through something similar: You are so much stronger than you think, and one day you will look back on this and shrug your shoulders and move on. A new, stronger, and wiser person.

Thank you all for your support the past year and a half.

Short background: 38M. Have attracted Cluster 2 types my whole life. I've had this friend - we'll call her Jenny. She is one of my closest friends who helped me through hard times and has always been there for me.

About 6 weeks ago, we started dating. The first two weeks were great...then something changed.

We were out late one night with friends when she left suddenly, then messaged me 20 minutes later saying she'd gone home and I could join her if I wanted. I told her I was hurt (huge abandonment wound from the discard), and would like to talk about it.

Over the following week she barely responded to messages, making poor excuses about why we couldn't talk - "sorry my phone died" "oh you could have come over any time today" "I'm too tired after work". No acknowledgement of what I was feeling, no attempt to talk to me. It felt like she didn't care at all and after 7 days of this, I told her I was really sad that this was over before it even started.

She instantly flipped the script - saying that I'd been cold, ignored her and made her feel worthless. I didn't know how to respond. A day later she asked me to give "her" jacket to a mutual friend as she needed it urgently (a jacket she gave to me as a gift). I told her I was in no mood to do her a favour, and it was mine anyway. She accused me of being "nasty" and "petty". Then it got ridiculous.

• triangulation via a well-meaning but naive friend started immediately
• she did this and monitored my social media to figure out when I was home so that she could...
• send her parents to my house to request her belongings back (specifically a jacket that she gifted to me - no, I didn't hand that over)
• they were super passive aggressive and not very nice about it at all.
• this was extremely triggering as a previous discard ended in police at my door and me getting arrested for false allegations
• she framed all of this to our friends as her being "worried about my drinking" (I once watched her drink 4 dirty Martinis before starting her shift at a bar and we're both experienced drinkers)

I was hoping this would all just fizzle out and we could at least still be friends - we have a shared friendship group. Unfortunately, she doubled down.

• the triangulation continues, and she has now started a smear campaign, calling me "aggressive" and "nasty"
• it is failing already, but still hurtful. Last week she asked if we could talk. Instead of discussing what happened, she asked what I had been saying about her to people. Defensive, patronising and so transparently false.
• after I ended the conversation she sent a friend to talk to me - I explained my frustration with her, her lies, the parents - all of it.
• turned out the 'friend' was secretly recording me on her phone
• I didn't say anything I regret but Jenny then sent a segment of this recording to another mutual friend - adding that I had called her a c*nt, and that this was my "true colors".

I don't know what point I'm trying to make here really, but...what the hell? This was one of my closest friends. What happened, and why does this keep happening to me? Why didn't I see the red flags - her impatience, obvious lies, thirst for drama - and think I was different? Why do they double down? Don't they realise friends talk to each other and settle differences instead of sending 'evidence' messages to turn them against each other??

She was one of the first people to see through the smear campaign a previous ex started against me, and one of my greatest supporters in everything I do. I have photos on my wall of our various adventures together. Why destroy it!?

My ex is diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar (and I suspect NPD).

I blocked her on everything 8 days ago, and haven't heard from her. She had threatened that she will reach out to my colleagues to tell them I am an "abuser", that the entire state I live in will know my face and name and that I am an "abuser", and that "your family deserves what is coming to them".

Today she followed through on one of those threats - she emailed my colleagues to tell them I "abused her". I spent several hours talking to colleagues about this and trying to do damage control. I am worried I am going to lose my job. I asked those colleagues to send me the email she sent to them so I can use it as evidence for a protective order/restraining order and possibly defamation lawsuit.

I have told my family, friends, and therapist about her threats. I am so worried about her continuing to harass me and ruin my life, as she has proven she is trying to do.

For those of you that have dealt with something like this, what did you do? How do I move on from this basket case of a woman? How do I fight the things she is saying about me (or do I just let them go)?

I'm so tired of the violent talk , the threats , the abusive talk . Telling me I'm stupid, worthless , ugly , disgusting.. I feel exhausted mentally . The being OK and normal one minute and then something sets her off and I worry about my safety and belongings. And sanity . I just want to shave my head and uproot my life and move far , far away

Asking because mine did.

I was the dumpee. Pattern of hers: she gets into a relationship, locks it in until her partner is either safely secured or gets to be "too much", then throws them out for a shiny new orbiter. If she is ever the dumpee she loses her shit, abandonment fears are so bad she's beaten almost every single ex to the punch.

So when she dumped me, she offered me to stay friends. An olive branch. At least told me she cared about me enough that she didn't want to lose (control of) me entirely.

And, genuinely, I didn't refuse her offer. I wanted her in my life, too.

But going from lovers planning a future wedding to just one of her dozens of "barely acknowledged until she needed something from them" friends was too painful. I was still in love. I couldn't be a healthy friend that way. I said I'd like to but I needed time alone.

And I think that, too, triggered something. Abandonment fear again? I don't know.

The fact that I didn't immediately take the offer and instead wanted time to move on first shook her. I saw how any hopes she had just died.

I got blocked everywhere immediately afterwards. We've been no-contact because of this. She still watches my social media, while I refuse to check up on her or beg to be unblocked. Even if the urge gets debilitating sometimes.

It's all such a mindfuck. What's the point of asking for friendship and then ripping it away if it can't be on solely your terms?

Hi everything this is going to be a rather long post.

I would like to tell my story on my relationship with my ex pwBPD, the people who hovered, and how i finally snapped out of it.

i wanna preface that i'm so far from perfect. definitely have daddy issues, codependency issues, and generally wanted external validation.

I met my ex bf in 2021 during covid. i couldnt fly home during grad school because of the quarantine restrictions so i visited my friend from college during that time. his brother and i ended up hitting it off. My ex, i will refer to him as Jerry, was actually in an on an off again relationship for 6 years at the time. my friend and their parents all assured me that they were over and that jerry wanted to move on.

so we started dating during my vacation in grad school. i actually had to fly back to the east coast but later that year, decided to stay with his family in the west coast because i was feeling very lonely in grad school by myself. So when they gave me the opportunity to be remote, i took the chance.

when i went back to the west coast to be with him, i realized something. he was still talking to his ex. i found out cuz one day i was using his ipad to watch tv (which he told me i could use) but he did not realize that his imessage was connected. His ex was texting and i accidently saw her text him a picture of her private parts. obviously i clicked on it and found that they were still texting romantically.

when he came back i confronted him on it and that became our first fight and our first toxic cycle. he begged me to forgive him and i did. obviously my daddy issues and codependency came to play. anyways this started a very toxic cycle where i was hurt that he cheated and then i would be angry and blame him. however, in the early days, we were still very happy as i felt that him and his family provided a place for me to live and gave me a lot of joy.

eventually i had to go back to school on the east coast and i realized that he was sleeping with women at massage parlours every 3-6 months or ordering prostitutes because he had insecurities about his sexual ability. i believe it had something to do with a trauma of his when he was younger from a girl. i tried to be sympathetic but of course it hurt. many ppl will ask me why i didnt leave at this point after 3 years of him consistently cheating. i did not leave because i believed in our potential.

you see, jerry and i shared a similar goal. i am an architect and he is a contractor and we wanted to build a company where we built affordable housing - great noble goal. This goal and the promise of changing the world kept us together.

after i graduated, i moved to the west coast to be with him. first of all he didnt even come to my graduation. he wanted to be happy for me but he couldn't. it made him feel terrible inside since he dropped out of college and i went to an ivy league. i told him i understood but it made me feel so sad inside that my partner could not be there for me on my happy day. but i still let it slide since i understood his pain.

i started working in the west coast and we finally had the opportunity to build the company we wanted to build because of my mom's investment. she put a lot of money into our business idea. however all he could see was that her money held him hostage. it pained me that he felt that way, yet i tried my best to put myself in his shoes. as the project progressed, i realized i had made a major miscalculation on the proforma and we would not be able to profit if we sold the property right away. mind you, when i created the proforma, i tried my best to do all the due diligence and i asked everyone to check it over. he said he did but in reality, he never did. after that point, jerry basically gave up on the and began screaming at me and telling me awful things about what he wanted to do to himself and to me. things that would threaten my life. it became really scary all of a sudden and he constantly threatened to abandon the project and abandon me. i had no choice but to finish the project on my own as he was acting inappropriate on site and setting a bad example for our the people we hired. during that time i also worked 8 hours a day and i drove 1.5 hours each way for commute. i also had to cook and clean for him when i got home. it was exhausting. yet i still believed it was only a phase and that he would change. i did read that pwBPD often start a task and leave it unfinished as a way to control behavior. but it could also be his depression which lead to him not having motivation to finish the project.

after we finished the construction, i thought he would help me in the refinance and tenant leasing. but he did not. instead, he continued his screaming and devaluing me, telling me i was a burden to his family, that i was really stupid, etc. He asked me if he could borrow more money from my mom, which he then used part of it to buy coke and invested the rest into the stock market. he told my mom he was going to use it to pay off his credit card. i was absolutley shocked when he did that. and he had no remorse.

this is the part of the story where things started to shift dramatically. we had a close couple friend who we spent a lot of time with that year. i noticed that the girl was very similar to my partner and the guy was very similar to me. it was almost like a mirror image of us. i believed it was because the girl was korean, just like my pwBPD, and the guy was chinese, like me. I attributed it to cultural differences. But over the following year, I noticed that the girl became more comfortable of being critical of me, enacting many similar behaviors as my ex, like calling hysterically multiple times a day while i was at work - aka no boundaries. I thought it was a bit weird but i knew she was going thru something so i wanted to be there for her. Fast forward a bit, her bf and her are having a lot of problems cuz she wanted to get married and he did not want to get married yet. one day i was over at her house since she was feeling lonely. right before i left to go home, her bf came over and they started fighting. she wanted me to stay so i could witness their fight and also be the middle man. At this point they were already starting to fracture heavily.

i sat there listening to their issues. and at some point the guy said, "its more painful to be with you than without you" and all of a sudden, i snapped awake. i had felt this statement 100 times. suddenly the things in their relationship started making sense to me. she would constantly test his boudaries by going on dates with other men during their relationship, flirting with other men in front of him, not allow him to go out with certain friends (which i never had an opinion about before), break up with him on a weekly basis, have angry sudden and almost violent outbursts towards him, make him do everything from cleaning to cooking to washing her car, and treating him with disdain bc he would not propose to her, attack his family's character.. the list went on. i am not sure if she has bpd as i am not in a romantic relationship with her but her bf's response (now ex bf) told me everything that i needed to hear. the desperation and pain in his voice was palpable.

that night when i went home, i was determined to end things with him. for a moment i worried about whether or not i would have to say something to end things as i wasn't brave and didnt know how to stand up for myself. but when i got home, i didnt have to say anything. as i climbed in bed, he informed me that we were breaking up and that he wanted me gone asap. we slept that night in the same bed. the next morning, he was angry with me so he threw all my stuff outside in the living room. his parents were annoyed with him. his mom got me a mattress. the next day he tries to lure me back into his room to talk. we talk. my answer is still the same, that i want to break up.

Eventually after several intense fights, i move my stuff to his grandma's place cuz he just cannot stand the sight of me. People asked me why i didn't get my own place. thats bc i was completely broke from pouring in all my funds into the project and paying for his meals, his gas, everything. cuz his parents were broke at the time.

now i am back home visiting my parents in asia. when i go back to the US on saturday, im going back to his grandma's and getting my stuff and getting the hell out of there. i found a place already. its funny because throughout the breakup process, his brother has been really encouraging me. i guess old friendships die hard and he had seen our toxic pattern for years. while the rest of his family constantly tried to get us back together, especially his mom. i mistook her generosity and kindness for years thinking she only had my best interest in mind. when in reality, i believe she had HIS best interest in mind. she wanted a good daughter in law but did not realize that her son would likely take a very long time to change. or maybe she did know.

this is just my story but my mom actually had it way worse as she has a partner with NPD. but that's for another thread, for another time.

i wanted to share my story because i know many people stay in relationships like this because of the trauma bond. the good moments felt so amazing bc the bad moments were so devastating. not only did my pwBPD put my life in danger multiple times through speeding and actual car accidents, but he destroyed my peace through constant devaluing and cheating.

i know i felt guilty for some time that i wanted to move on from the relationship bc i didnt want to abandon him. but i do believe that we deserve someone who gives us sunshine. not a cloudy day every single day.

i want to find my own sunshine again, i want to find myself again. and i want to find someone who gives me joy and is healthy.

Wheres the proof? Everyone can say something about someone and i wasnt there. Why do they trauma dump on you on the first day?

Its simple, its to make you emotional and get attached slowly. Its just 1 out of 1000 things they do and once you fall in love, you lost the game. They will come and make you suffer and you will even question yourself if you are the bad person or not.

The ex probably wasnt the way they talked about. It is what happens when emotions take over logic. Hes bad, he did this and that. And even if so, why do i need to know this shit? Its a new relationship so stop bringing in old crap from the past.

He’s been having an episode today but today was also so incredibly hard for me due to my abusive father which he knew today was a bad day, said I was gonna gts all he said was “goodnight” so I asked him can’t say it properly like he always does. Always says goodnight I love u baby etc. he responds and says no he can’t, I didn’t even know what was happening so I called and his tone was off , asked the phone and was off. Then I said Id rather not even try and call tn then cuz he didn’t wanna speak to say anything which is apparently normal in his episodes. He yelled at me once before in an episode too and when I said to him the way he treated me tonight isn’t okay especially when I have my own personal things going on and just needed him, he then sent me all these messages. Idek what to say anymore

Well, I did it… I blocked her on all my socials. I’m seeing how long I can go without them again (just for normal use) and just focusing on self growth and friends, but I’m done just being tolerated and ready to be celebrated. I posted beginning of September about keeping tabs on my ex and learning about her new man that’s she’s building connection and doing an “idealizing pregame with” (I’m sure he lives in FL), so she has emotional supply when she moves back next March, but thankfully I’m no longer that. In all honesty, I did just a little ago look at her Twitter and TikTok posts one more time as I was blocking (not beating myself up), but she’s “idealize posting” about her man like she has a handful of times and she reposted two days ago on TikTok a joke post about “when my friend hates my ex more than I do”… so yeah, that cemented it

I unadded the said friend on Discord a few days ago and he re-adds me and also iMessages me “heya.” I suspect he’s how do you say… being a “flying monkey” and keeping tabs on me (was as I blocked him too). Him and I never had a super solid friendship, and he said he could separate her from me, and be cool with me when she dumped me… but I’m highly unconvinced there weren’t some hidden motives. He’d be a middle man between my ex and I when we were together, trying to talk to us about eachother. This is independent of him loving drama. This is someone that thinks very little of me and my intelligence, and would speak down to me… even in front of her, so good riddance. Could care less about a relationship with who’s probably a secret informant.

In all honesty, the last thing I’ve yet to do is block my ex on messages, which is the last door open. That’s very difficult for me and honestly, is something I’m not sure if I can do right now- despite how hated and villainized I sure I am. Funny thing that is? Wild how she can be messaging me decently often back and forth the latter half of this year, even while talking to her new man. Idk, not ruminating on this again. But yeah, I’m going to continue my self development and do some shadow work, as to not copy how she’s going about this and wish for the best moving forward. Always thinking long not short term🤞

Since unfriending my recent friend with bpd I suspect a few family members to have this disorder or something similar. I grew up with a highly narcissistic sister that abused me growing up . My mother can be very immature and needy , shes caring but I hated her for a very long time throughout my life . Another sister married a crazy man and she normalised his abuse . There are a few problematic family members In my family.

Im single and live by myself. Ive had "crazy" exs and been attracted very toxic people . I dont trust people after living with someone I hardly knew that made themselves at home and wouldn't leave . I had to pretend all the time, I never liked this person from the start of the relationship I just got stuck with them.

My friends have also been in relationships with hidden toxic people and their partners have been very weird with me without my friends knowing.

Cause ive known to have a crazy family ive grown up thinking nobody cares about me . I used to think that I had bpd cause my ex friend made me feel like I had bpd , she kept suggesting therapy just because it worked for her apparently. The sick thing though I met her after my dad died and I just broke up with my crazy ex girlfriend which was a traumatic experience for me. She always used to say i looked dead in the eyes in a jokey way , I understand cause generally thats my aesthetic goth like, but literally I just lost my dad and got out of something that mentally fuvked me. Of course im gonna be fucking dead inside and burned out.

Been in mostly LDR for 5 years with my PwBPD which now ex,
we had so many breakups, I've noticed a specific pattern,

Usually they broke up with me, and each time they became more and more cruel doing so.
It's started with ghosting for a while after the breakup.

and got to suicide threats and then blocking everywhere.

Like they completely hate me.

they treat me like their worst enemy, paint me black.
It's not only like I mean nothing to them, It's like they do want to harm me.
they do want to cause me emotional pain.

and last time after a while they came back still being cruel and sassy, without accountability.
they just kinda expressed their shame and guilt.

did any of you felt such hatred? or something similar?