TL;DR: My boyfriend of 6.5 years spent four months seeking out sexualized Instagram content despite a boundary we’d explicitly agreed on, then initially lied about masturbating to it. He now acknowledges the betrayal and has started therapy, but three years of unresolved intimacy issues add another layer. Marriage plans are paused, and we’re taking space while still occasionally seeing each other. I love him but don’t know whether I want the relationship anymore - or whether I’d regret leaving without trying to rebuild trust.
About two months ago, I discovered that my boyfriend had been repeatedly seeking out sexualized Instagram accounts, including OF creators, over approximately four months. He eventually admitted that some visits were for arousal and that he sometimes masturbated to the content.
This crossed an agreement we had already made. He has acknowledged responsibility since the confrontation, but I’m struggling to decide whether I want to attempt reconciliation.
The boundary and discovery
About five years ago, early in our relationship, something similar happened on a much smaller scale. We discussed it, and he agreed not to do it again. I understood that to be an established boundary.
His Instagram was logged in on my phone with his knowledge because he occasionally used it when we were together. He goes through phases of downloading and deleting the app depending on how much time he feels he’s spending on it. One evening, he asked me to search for a friend through his account, and I noticed a sexualized account in his recent searches.
I initially brushed it off. When I checked later, the searches had been cleared. Over the following weeks, I found further activity showing repeated visits to similar profiles.
When I confronted him, he initially minimized it with explanations like enjoying someone’s travel content or imagining me wearing their outfits. We talked for hours, and I eventually became overwhelmed, yelled, and left.
He later acknowledged the sexual nature of the behavior. He said suggestive content would appear while scrolling and he would give in and explore the profiles. He described some visits as curiosity and others as driven by attraction and arousal. His explanation was that it had become “a dopamine loop” he turned to when stressed or bored.
The truth also came out gradually. When I directly asked whether he had masturbated to the content, he initially said no. Almost a month later, he admitted that he had. He has since acknowledged that the denial was a choice. This added another layer to the breach of trust because even after the confrontation, I wasn’t immediately given the full picture.
What hurts most is that he admitted remembering our earlier agreement and knowing that finding out would hurt me, but continuing anyway.
Based on what I saw and what he told me, I found no evidence of messaging, paid subscriptions, likes, comments, saved posts, or other direct engagement. Those forms of interaction would have made leaving a clear decision for me. Their absence matters to how I’m weighing this, but it doesn’t erase the boundary he knowingly crossed.
This happened while we were seeing each other frequently, buying a house, and discussing marriage. I felt deeply connected and secure, which is part of why the discovery has made me question my understanding of the relationship. His explanation about stress also leaves me worried about how he would handle future difficulties.
An unresolved intimacy issue adds another layer
Our LDR ended three years ago, but we have never successfully had penetrative sex during the relationship because he loses his erection when we try. We have other forms of intimacy, he is attentive to my pleasure, and I have felt satisfied in those ways.
Over those three years, I repeatedly raised getting the ED medically evaluated, but he didn’t follow through. I didn’t want to shame or pressure him, but I wanted us to address it.
I am not able to tell whether the Instagram behavior and erection difficulties are connected. It hurts that an issue affecting our shared intimacy remained unresolved while he privately pursued this sexual outlet.
His response since
Despite the initial minimization and later admission of lying, he now acknowledges crossing our boundary and considers what he did cheating. He has engaged in difficult conversations and listened to my hurt. He hasn’t called me crazy or insecure, pressured me to accept it, or told me I’m overreacting. He deleted Instagram and independently started therapy.
Outside of this, I have experienced him as a loving, supportive partner. Before the discovery, his desire for commitment had never been in question. He consistently wanted engagement and marriage and brought it up more than I did.
However, during one of our conversations after the confrontation, he said he wasn’t asking me to wait and since he caused the hurt and doesn’t feel entitled to reach out or assume I want him around. He wants contact to happen on my terms.
Where we are now
Engagement and marriage plans are paused. Privately, I guess we consider ourselves broken up and are taking space, but we still see each other occasionally - sometimes for logistics because our lives are intertwined, and sometimes because we want to spend time together.
I have not given him a list of repair steps since I want to see what responsibility he takes independently rather than feel like I’m managing the process.
I’m less overwhelmed than I was initially, but I’m still hurt and stuck. I mentally revisit old memories, question things I previously felt secure about, compare myself to those women, and scan where his attention goes when we’re together. It’s exhausting. I know I can't police his eyes for the rest of our lives.
I’m grieving the security I used to feel, but I’m also unsure whether I even want the relationship anymore. I still love him and miss spending time with him, yet that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to rebuild a future together.
At the same time, I worry I might regret leaving without giving repair a chance. I believe the loving, supportive qualities I experienced in him were real, and I’m struggling to reconcile those with his repeated choice to cross this boundary. I don’t want to minimize what happened because of his good qualities, but I don’t want to dismiss those qualities either.
His willingness to work on himself matters, but I don’t know whether my own desire to continue is still there - or whether fear of regretting a breakup is making it harder to let go.
Being unmarried also weighs on me. If we were already married, I imagine I might feel more inclined to attempt repair before leaving. Right now, I’m deciding whether I still want to make that commitment at all.
Additional context
- We’re both Indian. Cultural and family expectations mean we don’t live together, stay overnight, or travel together. We have opportunities for intimacy, but limited private time.
- He recently bought a house and insisted on adding me to the title even though I hadn’t contributed financially. This illustrates how serious our future felt and how intertwined our lives are. It doesn’t cancel out what happened or obligate me to stay.
- He has stood up for me during difficulties with his family and expressed willingness to limit or end contact if necessary to protect our relationship. I’m struggling to reconcile that commitment with the secrecy in this area.
- I would have been open to an honest conversation about sexual frustration or unmet needs and discussing mutually acceptable outlets. Instead, he acted privately despite our existing agreement.
The perspective I’m looking for
I’m particularly interested in hearing from men who have crossed a partner’s boundary, worked through similar behavior, or rebuilt trust in a long-term relationship.
I understand that couples have different agreements about sexual content. My question is about knowingly breaking an existing agreement and initially lying afterward.
- If you’ve done something similar, what helped you change beyond feeling guilty or afraid of losing your partner?
- What did taking responsibility look like without your partner managing the process?
- How did you respect a partner’s need for space while still showing initiative?
- If you described your behavior as a response to stress or boredom, what did you actually change about how you handled those feelings?
- What would you encourage me to look for before deciding whether to attempt reconciliation?
I’m open to honest perspectives, including that leaving may be healthier.
Note: I used AI to help organize my thoughts because there’s a lot of context and I’ve been struggling to explain it clearly. This is my actual experience, and the questions are my own.