Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/shiinachan]

Wow I am so surprised by the takes in the comments here. Maybe it's a cultural issue? But where I live in Europe, it would be weird (maybe even rude?) to expect a guest to come alone. Especially if they're not super familiar with the rest of the guests. That's why the concept of a plus one exists right? Of course, an invite to your husband doesn't automatically translate into a plus one to a random, but they did let you know! Honestly, if any of my guests who were invited with their partner had asked to instead bring a friend that would have been an immediate yes from me. We also had <50 guests and knew everyone. To me you come across rude here, sorry to say.

[u/Ok-Goal-6880 → u/shiinachan]

There wasn’t a plus one in this case though, it was two guests invited together. Some weddings do not do +1s at all. I think it’s perfectly reasonable not to want a stranger at your wedding.

[u/Spiritual_Fan_5633 → u/Ok-Goal-6880]

We just went to my nephews wedding and my son, who is 30, didn’t get a plus one. I’m sure it’s because there’s alot of single cousins, if they all got a plus one that would be a lot of extra people. My son didn’t care at all, and he also sat at a table away from us with people he didn’t know. Again, he didn’t care. It’s one night, not a big deal.

[u/PsychologicalBus1692 → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

I was invited to a wedding once in my late 20s where I did not get a +1 and decided to attend anyway (out of state, family wedding). I was sat at the singles table, clear across the room from any of my family, so I was alone/with strangers for the entire reception pretty much. One of the groomsmen noticed me mopey and alone and took an interest in me, ultimately getting super pushy and basically dragging me out of the wedding and trying to get me to go back to the AirBnB with him or something? When I declined, he got even pushier and I had to run back to the wedding alone. I started getting all of these weird looks from the wedding party and my family and it turns out, the groomsman told everyone that I had pulled him out of the reception to go have sex. So now I'm the family slut. Anyway, I will never go to another wedding alone and would never expect someone else to attend a wedding alone.

[u/Spiritual_Fan_5633 → u/PsychologicalBus1692]

And you have every right to decline a wedding invitation, that’s the beauty, you never have to go.

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

It's an invitation, not a summons.

Oh, and your family are assholes.

[u/Spiritual_Fan_5633 → u/altitude-adjusted]

I’m assuming you don’t mean my family but the one who responded to me, although my family can be assholes too

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

OMG you're right, so sorry! The other at PsychologicalBus1692 has the asshole family lol!

And same here to your comment!

[u/PrivacyMaven → u/PsychologicalBus1692]

That’s a terrible experience. How awful.

But normally a wedding is a lovely place for single people to meet. One expects the couple’s friends to be pre-vetted, and if the couple is paying attention, as your friends were, seats single people together so they can meet one another and not feel like they are the only single person at a table of couples. Everyone is happy, dressed up, looking their best, and in the mood for love, etc etc.

The groomsman was an ass, and I hope you stood up for yourself and told the couple later.

[u/SpartanSoldier00a → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

Ive had a few of my cousins getting married recently and they seem to handle the inviting of single cousins by inviting pairs of siblings or family members (eg, me and my sister almost always get a joint invite, and we are frequently seated together with one of our other single cousins and his mom who i think are also invited together. I dont live with my sister, and my cousin doesnt live with his mom, but it does solve not having us sit scattered across the room with only people we dont know that well).

[u/Next_Possibility_01 → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

But he was there with family - very different situation

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

Yes, plus ones are not needed when there is a group or pairing of singles. But the couple needs to have that in mind and seat people together to help them make connections. If a couple is still young, there's often a singles table. Also doesn't apply to people that come in a family group, as they attend with they know their family

[u/DeirdreTours → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

Congratulations on bringing up a competent adult son! Seriously, somehow, we have stopped asking adults to have basic social skills in the last 30 years and this does them no favors at all.

My own 3 adult children have attended several family weddings without "plus ones" and had a great time. They even attend weddings for their friends without dragging along a date that bride and groom don't know.

[u/forkevbot2 → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

And if your son didn’t like it he could just not go. But to end a friendship over it is next level bonkers

[u/bLymey4 → u/Ok-Goal-6880]

💯

[u/Brilliant_Science380 → u/Ok-Goal-6880]

I think it unreasonable to not invite a +1. Just my opinion. I wouldn't and didn't do it.

[u/Hungry-Emotion7664 → u/Ok-Goal-6880]

It is perfectly reasonable, but that doesn't mean that Jill is an awful person because she wanted to bring a friend to hang out with. Just different expectations.

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Hungry-Emotion7664]

No, Jill isn't an awful person for wanting to bring a friend.

Jill IS an awful person for stomping her feet and ending the friendship rather than understanding this intimate wedding for her older friends was more important than being without Bill for a couple of hours.

[u/Hungry-Emotion7664 → u/altitude-adjusted]

I missed the foot stomping part.

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Hungry-Emotion7664]

My apologies. I didn't realize a metaphor would go over your head.

met·​a·​phor ˈme-tə-ˌfȯr : a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them

[u/Tanooki-san → u/Ok-Goal-6880]

It is perfectly reasonable to not want it, but to be so dismissive and uncaring about your friend’s comfort and soo very precious about a single unknown escort guest being present, omg, these people really don’t care about their friend’s wellbeing at all. Not a single person i know would be so unkind to a close friend.

[u/5footfilly → u/shiinachan]

There are special circumstances here.

Not everyone will behave respectfully at a gay wedding. We’d like to think they would but there are still some bigoted and insufferable assholes who love to make their ignorant opinions known. Their wedding is not the place for the brides to find out what kind of person Jill’s friend is.

[u/Author_Noelle_A → u/5footfilly]

FINALLY someone pointing out the fact that this is a lesbian wedding, and that not everyone is supportive.

[u/On_my_last_spoon → u/shiinachan]

Jill didn’t ask. She told. She told them she’d be bringing someone else. That’s rude

[u/dividedsky58 → u/shiinachan]

This wasn't a plus-one situation. Plus-ones are for non-married or non-coupled people, so they don't have to attend alone. And it is specifically written on the invitation.

Jill wasn't "expected" to come alone as a single person. She was invited to come with her partner Bill. When Bill could not attend, she had a choice - not an expectation- to attend alone, or not at all. 

At no point was she in the right to invite a plus-one to a wedding when no plus-one was invited by the wedding couple.

I think its bizarre you feel wedding guests should all be allowed to invite whomever they want to someone else's wedding. 

[u/Brilliant-Elk-4107 → u/dividedsky58]

The “you are the arse for not wanting complete strangers/people you wouldn’t think of inviting” to an intimate event that you’ve paid thousands for is wild to me. Yes, we should have control over who comes to our weddings, that is the purpose of having invitations in the first place. I don’t think it’s an American vs European thing either since I am not American and most people I spoke to about having to deal with a similar issue with mind felt the same way

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/Brilliant-Elk-4107]

The wedding couple barely spends time with their guests at a wedding. I think it's weird to be so concerned that everyone there loves you deeply over making sure the people who do love you deeply are there

[u/Persuasion-1 → u/jittery_raccoon]

It’s a small wedding. They very well will be able to spend time with the # of guests they are inviting—people with whom they believe love and support them. It’s their party and they are following traditional “rules.” The communication was sufficient. Both were invited, only one can come. That person can go or not. There may have been other reasons for ending the friendship.

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/Persuasion-1]

Couples are usually extremely busy during their wedding. 50 guests is still far too many for spending time with everyone. They'll say hi and mingle, and then outside of all the obligations, will actually hang out with a select few. I can't even hang out with everyone at a party with 20 people and not having responsibilities

[u/Persuasion-1 → u/jittery_raccoon]

We are operating under different assumptions. Length of reception/wedding, definition of spending time. We agree that couples are very busy.

[u/PrivacyMaven → u/jittery_raccoon]

What’s weird is that this friend cannot bring herself to attend a social occasion alone for one evening and throws a tantrum by not showing up and ending the friendship. That is not healthy adult behavior.

[u/Author_Noelle_A → u/dividedsky58]

I agree, ESPECIALLY given increasing hostility in the US to queer people. OP and her wife-to-be want to feel safe that day.

[u/TooLongDugong → u/dividedsky58]

Seems a bit weird expecting Jill to know the exact conditions under which the invite was extended. Does the invitation have a list of precise conditions - "NOT TRANSFERRABLE" stamped in big letters on it? Jill may have lost/misplaced the invitation and not even be able to see the big red stamp on it.

[u/dividedsky58 → u/TooLongDugong]

It seems a bit weird for Jill to understand that the invitation addressed to Jill and Bill is an invitation for Jill and Bill, specifically? Huh?

[u/PrivacyMaven → u/TooLongDugong]

This is the most bizarre thing I have ever heard. An invitation to a wedding is not assumed to be transferable. One doesn’t need a stamp to know this, just basic understanding of etiquette. It’s easy to know the precise conditions under which the invite was extended, because the people to whom it was extended are addressed on the envelope by name.

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/shiinachan]

I normally side with Europe on most things but I can't here.

This is an intimate event for a lesbian couple who (it seems clear) took an unusual route to find one another. The guest list was carefully made to include those who know the couple and their path to this milestone, and inviting a random stranger who knows no one and has never met the couple is very rude. This couple was purposeful inviting those people who support them and rejecting an interloper whether Jill knows them well or not is irrelevant. It's not Jill's party. Jill should either buck up and support her friends or stay home. She chose the nuclear option so how much of a friend is she?

[u/forkevbot2 → u/shiinachan]

Jill let them know bill could not attend. You agree this does not translate to a plus one. Jill jumps to saying they are taking a random friend the brides don’t know. Brides politely let them know this is not acceptable for them. Jill and Bill end their friendship over this.

And to you the brides are rude?…

[u/Sensitive_Leader_312 → u/forkevbot2]

I agree the bride isn't rude, Jill assumed she could do a "plus one" is rude. The "plus one" wasn't invited, Bill was on the invite.

My one cousin tried to cheapen out on invites by just putting my father's name on the wedding invitation. My cousin has been known to be a cheapskate and felt they could save money by just sending one invitation with one name on it to my family's house. My father declined the invite.

When my cousin called to see why, my father said he didn't like how my cousin exclude their aunt and cousins from the event.

Now mind you, this is my cousin from my father's side and we grew up together. It's not like we were step cousins or anything. My parents had been together for over 30 years at this point, married for 24 of them. My dad knew what my cousin was doing.

So, a few days later another invite came, addressing to the whole family

[u/GoodyTwoShuuz → u/shiinachan]

It is rude to bring someone not on the invite. These people here are weird.

[u/LimeryPixels- → u/GoodyTwoShuuz]

u/GoodyTwoShuuz people acting like “plus one” is a human right now is wild. if the invite doesn’t say guest, then… no guest. it’s not complicated.

[u/GoodyTwoShuuz → u/LimeryPixels-]

Seriously. I would have never been as bold to think I could just bring someone the couple didn’t know.

[u/Consistent_Key4156 → u/GoodyTwoShuuz]

You are completely right and everyone who disagrees is weird. Plus, who wants to go to a wedding of people they don't know? If a friend of mine said, "Hey, I'm invited to a wedding and my spouse can't come, want to come with me?" I'd be like--what? It's not a rock concert, for Godsake.

[u/GoodyTwoShuuz → u/Consistent_Key4156]

Thank you.

[u/Effective-Door-3409 → u/shiinachan]

It's an intimate wedding. It no longer is intimate if every guest brings an unknown person. Plus to double down and refuse to come at all and end the friendship is insane.

[u/fifitsa8 → u/shiinachan]

An invitation including your spouse is not a transferable plus one. And when you're a wedding guest, you don't "let the bride and groom know", you ask if you want to swap out your spouse for a rando the couple doesn't even know. Asking is one thing, expecting and being entitled enough "to let them know" is a whole other. Jill & Bill are the rude ones here, and their overreaction just adds to it

[u/TeaIndependent7888 → u/shiinachan]

They don’t want some random stranger coming to their wedding. The woman is a grown adult. Do you think single people don’t go to weddings? Ridiculous comment. You’re the one who comes off rude.

[u/glitterbeardwizard → u/shiinachan]

It’s a lesbian wedding. Inviting a rando could mean having a homophobic person who then knows where they live and could dox the couple to other bigots, thus making the couple literally unsafe in their own home. The rules are different for queer weddings to protect the queer community from violent bigots.

[u/AlienPrincess33 → u/shiinachan]

You would be surprised - the past 5 weddings I have gone to, I was not given a plus 1 because I am not married. I didn’t even ask about why not, they all volunteered the information. It’s apparently normal these days.

[u/Sad-Rhubarb-8647 → u/shiinachan]

50 people at a wedding is a small wedding and by definition, you haven’t invited a lot of people you know and/are related to. A lot of thought goes into which guests to invite. I absolutely would not want to have one of the guests be a stranger, at my small wedding!! How immature of the woman to say now she doesn’t want to be friends.

[u/AudienceFancy5014 → u/shiinachan]

I’ve been to weddings in Italy with 30 people including family, and some solo guests because they wanted to keep it small and real.  It’s about respecting the wishes of the couple, and make it “their day”, if one believe in that. 

[u/PrivacyMaven → u/shiinachan]

“Plus one” is a very recent phenomenon and inappropriate expectation of invitees that causes a lot of problems. That it now seems common is no excuse.

Traditional European rules are that you are not invited to a wedding unless your name is on an invitation. It is customary to add “and guest” where the hosts know the invitee to be affianced but not living together. In more recent times one generally also includes partners known to be living at the same address (by name) or in a long-term committed relationships.

You don’t just bring a date to a wedding. You may inquire if it’s all right only if the date would, previously unbeknownst to the hosts, fall into one of the above categories. First, a wedding is intended for intimates, and the couple is paying per head not throwing a block party for all comers. It’s also awkward when the date doesn’t know anyone (or worse, turns out to be someone’s ex). Indeed, if the bridal couple is paying attention, they will seat single people together so they can meet one another: a wedding is a perfect place to meet someone new, something you can’t do if you bring a date.

[u/Bobis-Bob → u/shiinachan]

Yeah 50 is not a small amount.

[u/Tanooki-san → u/shiinachan]

I agree. I wouldn’t expect Jill to come alone. It’s one person you don’t know in exchange for Jill’s comfort. Bfd. You sound like a bridezilla. Id probably do what Jill did and dump you for being such a diva over a single guest you don’t know. Some people find it very difficult to attend events alone. Social anxiety, etc. Jill didn’t want to come alone. Coming alone to a wedding is not fun, unless you are family, know everyone, and even then, everyone is usually coupled up. I one had to attend a wedding of a good friend, my husband was a best man, and they made him sit for dinner at a table with the wedding party and made me sit alone at a table of strangers and kids. Wow, that truly sucked. Never again.
So yeah, bravo Jill.

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Tanooki-san]

This will shock you but here it goes:

Jill: Hi Bride, we love you and Other Bride but Bill can come. I'm really self-conscious and uncomfortable in a crowd but I'd love to come.

Brides: Jill - no problem! We love you and really want you to come. You know Rachel and Ross are coming and you know them really well - didn't you go to Cabo with them last year? How about if you come with Ross and Rachel and we'll sit you with them?

See, it's not that hard to not be a rude, entitled, demanding, and ultimately lousy friend.

[u/Tanooki-san → u/altitude-adjusted]

Not shocked at all. Did you just make that up just now? Nice conversation. Wonder if that’s how it actually went.

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Tanooki-san]

Yes, I just made that up as an example of how the couple could have responded, except Bill&Jill ended the friendship rather than showing even the slightest social grace and understanding.

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/shiinachan]

That's how American weddings have become. It's the couple bring the center of attention to an extreme point and fuck all their guests that have gone out of their way to attend. I was always raised to take care of my guests if I hosted a party, and a wedding is just a party afterall

[u/TooLongDugong → u/shiinachan]

It sounds like something was up with Jill, and maybe she deserved some sympathy? If the OP was worried about who was coming or if they'd cause trouble, they could have asked Jill who she was bringing. Maybe Jill was a bit rude to state rather than ask about bringing someone, and someone who's getting married is unlikely to have either time or inclination to think about anyone but themself, but both parties must bear some responsibility.