Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/shiinachan]

Wow I am so surprised by the takes in the comments here. Maybe it's a cultural issue? But where I live in Europe, it would be weird (maybe even rude?) to expect a guest to come alone. Especially if they're not super familiar with the rest of the guests. That's why the concept of a plus one exists right? Of course, an invite to your husband doesn't automatically translate into a plus one to a random, but they did let you know! Honestly, if any of my guests who were invited with their partner had asked to instead bring a friend that would have been an immediate yes from me. We also had <50 guests and knew everyone. To me you come across rude here, sorry to say.

[u/dividedsky58 → u/shiinachan]

This wasn't a plus-one situation. Plus-ones are for non-married or non-coupled people, so they don't have to attend alone. And it is specifically written on the invitation.

Jill wasn't "expected" to come alone as a single person. She was invited to come with her partner Bill. When Bill could not attend, she had a choice - not an expectation- to attend alone, or not at all. 

At no point was she in the right to invite a plus-one to a wedding when no plus-one was invited by the wedding couple.

I think its bizarre you feel wedding guests should all be allowed to invite whomever they want to someone else's wedding. 

[u/Brilliant-Elk-4107 → u/dividedsky58]

The “you are the arse for not wanting complete strangers/people you wouldn’t think of inviting” to an intimate event that you’ve paid thousands for is wild to me. Yes, we should have control over who comes to our weddings, that is the purpose of having invitations in the first place. I don’t think it’s an American vs European thing either since I am not American and most people I spoke to about having to deal with a similar issue with mind felt the same way

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/Brilliant-Elk-4107]

The wedding couple barely spends time with their guests at a wedding. I think it's weird to be so concerned that everyone there loves you deeply over making sure the people who do love you deeply are there

[u/Persuasion-1 → u/jittery_raccoon]

It’s a small wedding. They very well will be able to spend time with the # of guests they are inviting—people with whom they believe love and support them. It’s their party and they are following traditional “rules.” The communication was sufficient. Both were invited, only one can come. That person can go or not. There may have been other reasons for ending the friendship.

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/Persuasion-1]

Couples are usually extremely busy during their wedding. 50 guests is still far too many for spending time with everyone. They'll say hi and mingle, and then outside of all the obligations, will actually hang out with a select few. I can't even hang out with everyone at a party with 20 people and not having responsibilities

[u/Persuasion-1 → u/jittery_raccoon]

We are operating under different assumptions. Length of reception/wedding, definition of spending time. We agree that couples are very busy.

[u/PrivacyMaven → u/jittery_raccoon]

What’s weird is that this friend cannot bring herself to attend a social occasion alone for one evening and throws a tantrum by not showing up and ending the friendship. That is not healthy adult behavior.

[u/Author_Noelle_A → u/dividedsky58]

I agree, ESPECIALLY given increasing hostility in the US to queer people. OP and her wife-to-be want to feel safe that day.

[u/TooLongDugong → u/dividedsky58]

Seems a bit weird expecting Jill to know the exact conditions under which the invite was extended. Does the invitation have a list of precise conditions - "NOT TRANSFERRABLE" stamped in big letters on it? Jill may have lost/misplaced the invitation and not even be able to see the big red stamp on it.

[u/dividedsky58 → u/TooLongDugong]

It seems a bit weird for Jill to understand that the invitation addressed to Jill and Bill is an invitation for Jill and Bill, specifically? Huh?

[u/PrivacyMaven → u/TooLongDugong]

This is the most bizarre thing I have ever heard. An invitation to a wedding is not assumed to be transferable. One doesn’t need a stamp to know this, just basic understanding of etiquette. It’s easy to know the precise conditions under which the invite was extended, because the people to whom it was extended are addressed on the envelope by name.