Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/shiinachan]

Wow I am so surprised by the takes in the comments here. Maybe it's a cultural issue? But where I live in Europe, it would be weird (maybe even rude?) to expect a guest to come alone. Especially if they're not super familiar with the rest of the guests. That's why the concept of a plus one exists right? Of course, an invite to your husband doesn't automatically translate into a plus one to a random, but they did let you know! Honestly, if any of my guests who were invited with their partner had asked to instead bring a friend that would have been an immediate yes from me. We also had <50 guests and knew everyone. To me you come across rude here, sorry to say.

[u/Ok-Goal-6880 → u/shiinachan]

There wasn’t a plus one in this case though, it was two guests invited together. Some weddings do not do +1s at all. I think it’s perfectly reasonable not to want a stranger at your wedding.

[u/Spiritual_Fan_5633 → u/Ok-Goal-6880]

We just went to my nephews wedding and my son, who is 30, didn’t get a plus one. I’m sure it’s because there’s alot of single cousins, if they all got a plus one that would be a lot of extra people. My son didn’t care at all, and he also sat at a table away from us with people he didn’t know. Again, he didn’t care. It’s one night, not a big deal.

[u/PsychologicalBus1692 → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

I was invited to a wedding once in my late 20s where I did not get a +1 and decided to attend anyway (out of state, family wedding). I was sat at the singles table, clear across the room from any of my family, so I was alone/with strangers for the entire reception pretty much. One of the groomsmen noticed me mopey and alone and took an interest in me, ultimately getting super pushy and basically dragging me out of the wedding and trying to get me to go back to the AirBnB with him or something? When I declined, he got even pushier and I had to run back to the wedding alone. I started getting all of these weird looks from the wedding party and my family and it turns out, the groomsman told everyone that I had pulled him out of the reception to go have sex. So now I'm the family slut. Anyway, I will never go to another wedding alone and would never expect someone else to attend a wedding alone.

[u/Spiritual_Fan_5633 → u/PsychologicalBus1692]

And you have every right to decline a wedding invitation, that’s the beauty, you never have to go.

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

It's an invitation, not a summons.

Oh, and your family are assholes.

[u/Spiritual_Fan_5633 → u/altitude-adjusted]

I’m assuming you don’t mean my family but the one who responded to me, although my family can be assholes too

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

OMG you're right, so sorry! The other at PsychologicalBus1692 has the asshole family lol!

And same here to your comment!

[u/PrivacyMaven → u/PsychologicalBus1692]

That’s a terrible experience. How awful.

But normally a wedding is a lovely place for single people to meet. One expects the couple’s friends to be pre-vetted, and if the couple is paying attention, as your friends were, seats single people together so they can meet one another and not feel like they are the only single person at a table of couples. Everyone is happy, dressed up, looking their best, and in the mood for love, etc etc.

The groomsman was an ass, and I hope you stood up for yourself and told the couple later.

[u/SpartanSoldier00a → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

Ive had a few of my cousins getting married recently and they seem to handle the inviting of single cousins by inviting pairs of siblings or family members (eg, me and my sister almost always get a joint invite, and we are frequently seated together with one of our other single cousins and his mom who i think are also invited together. I dont live with my sister, and my cousin doesnt live with his mom, but it does solve not having us sit scattered across the room with only people we dont know that well).

[u/Next_Possibility_01 → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

But he was there with family - very different situation

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

Yes, plus ones are not needed when there is a group or pairing of singles. But the couple needs to have that in mind and seat people together to help them make connections. If a couple is still young, there's often a singles table. Also doesn't apply to people that come in a family group, as they attend with they know their family

[u/DeirdreTours → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

Congratulations on bringing up a competent adult son! Seriously, somehow, we have stopped asking adults to have basic social skills in the last 30 years and this does them no favors at all.

My own 3 adult children have attended several family weddings without "plus ones" and had a great time. They even attend weddings for their friends without dragging along a date that bride and groom don't know.

[u/forkevbot2 → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

And if your son didn’t like it he could just not go. But to end a friendship over it is next level bonkers

[u/bLymey4 → u/Ok-Goal-6880]

💯

[u/Brilliant_Science380 → u/Ok-Goal-6880]

I think it unreasonable to not invite a +1. Just my opinion. I wouldn't and didn't do it.

[u/Hungry-Emotion7664 → u/Ok-Goal-6880]

It is perfectly reasonable, but that doesn't mean that Jill is an awful person because she wanted to bring a friend to hang out with. Just different expectations.

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Hungry-Emotion7664]

No, Jill isn't an awful person for wanting to bring a friend.

Jill IS an awful person for stomping her feet and ending the friendship rather than understanding this intimate wedding for her older friends was more important than being without Bill for a couple of hours.

[u/Hungry-Emotion7664 → u/altitude-adjusted]

I missed the foot stomping part.

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Hungry-Emotion7664]

My apologies. I didn't realize a metaphor would go over your head.

met·​a·​phor ˈme-tə-ˌfȯr : a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them

[u/Tanooki-san → u/Ok-Goal-6880]

It is perfectly reasonable to not want it, but to be so dismissive and uncaring about your friend’s comfort and soo very precious about a single unknown escort guest being present, omg, these people really don’t care about their friend’s wellbeing at all. Not a single person i know would be so unkind to a close friend.