Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/mjw217]

I was recently invited to a wedding for someone I’ve known for a very long time. I’m a widow. I expected to attend by myself. I figured I’d know a couple of people, besides the bride and her family, so I wasn’t worried. I was so surprised to receive a plus one. My oldest daughter, who does know the family, went with me. The family knew that I wasn’t in a relationship or dating anyone. Even with the plus one, I wouldn’t have asked a stranger to the family to come with me. That just seems wrong.

[u/mechanical_stars → u/mjw217]

I gave all solo invites a +1 for my wedding, because being alone at a wedding doesn't sound very fun.

[u/kibbles137 → u/mechanical_stars]

I'm partnered, but my partner has very limited days off and often works weekends, so I've gone alone to a few weddings. I honestly find it so much fun! But it's usually for good friends' weddings, so I know several people and/or feel excited to introduce myself to their other friends and family. 

I don't have to worry about whether my date is enjoying himself and I can stay as long (or short!) as I want. Don't have to cajole anyone into accompanying me on the dance floor, I just get out there and do some group dancing with the other people who want to dance. I'm usually a shy introvert, but I have a blast at weddings because I love love, and I feel my holy responsibility as a guest is to bring joy and love to the celebration of the couple's love.

I adore my partner and we're well suited in many ways, but we both agree this is The Way for us. In spite of my love of everyone else's weddings, when we decide the time feels right for us, I'm pretty set on a courthouse wedding, followed by a really nice dinner out where we treat our witnesses (and their +1s). 

I'm probably in the minority for preferring to go solo to weddings 😂 

[u/whatshamilton → u/kibbles137]

My best friend just did the courthouse thing followed by them treating us to a lovely luncheon. Then that evening they bought out a small bar in the neighborhood and let everyone know when and where and they trickled in and out to say congratulations. It was beautiful.

[u/sydd321 → u/whatshamilton]

I LOVE this idea! Thank you.

[u/Pettsareme → u/kibbles137]

I’m with you. I’ve been single for a long time and have, over the years, been invited with a plus one many times. I’ve never brought someone with me and I usually have a great time.

[u/lurkmode_off → u/mechanical_stars]

I've been a "just a friend" +1 at weddings where I don't know the couple. It definitely would have sucked for my friends if they hadn't been allowed to bring me. Most guests at a wedding don't get to spend much time with the couple. Which is fine. At long as they get a +1.

[u/esuomyekcim_ → u/mechanical_stars]

Same! And friends of my friends are soon to be my friends :)

[u/QwilleransMustache → u/mechanical_stars]

This is the way. Weddings have become so selfish that it's eye-rolling. What OP fails to mention is that Jill probably doesn't know anyone else going to the wedding, and will spend an entire day/evening twiddling her thumbs and trying desperately to start mini conversations with strangers who are with their significant others, so aren't as eager and desperate to chat with strangers.

Like, OP doesn't know Jill's friend? A friend close enough to Jill that's she'd go to a small wedding with her? All of my friends who aren't friends with each other have at least met each other a couple times over the years. It sounds like Jill doesn't know OP all that well, like they haven't met each other's friends. No wonder Jill doesn't want to go alone. She would feel left out and awkward. I wouldn't want to go either. And we don't how the discussion really went down. Based on the wording of this post, I doubt OP was understanding.

[u/whatshamilton → u/QwilleransMustache]

Yes I was the +1 to a tiny wedding like OP’s. It was kindness so she would know someone and have someone to talk to the whole time. So weird to be so strict about it. Brides are always like “I don’t want to hang out with a stranger” but most brides aren’t “hanging out” with anyone. And their friend DOES want to hang out with someone to make the party fun

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359 → u/QwilleransMustache]

Correct, we do not know Jill's friend, at all. Never met her.

[u/rabbithasacat → u/mjw217]

This right here: you can't invite someone to a party of which you are not the host.

[u/Bluejello2001 → u/rabbithasacat]

This is why I very nearly strangled the other bridesmaids from the first wedding party I was ever in.

Despite the fact that I was a "numbers" bridesmaid (the groom just kept asking more friends to stand with him, so the bride asked me to join her party too) I somehow ended up planning the bachelorette. I'd never even BEEN to one at that point.

So, I planned and made reservations based on the names the bride asked me to invite. The maid of honour and the bride's sister kept inviting people not on the list ; MOH argued that the bride was good friends with Random Girl and would want her there, turns out the hadn't talked in about a decade.

I finally blasted an all-caps message in the group chat that only the guest of honour and the host have any say in the guest list.

Still somehow ended up with 2 people at the party I definitely didn't send invites too.

[u/Which-Ring2864 → u/rabbithasacat]

LOVE it. And all the pearl clutchers blathering on about etiquette- they seem to have forgotten THIS pearl

[u/23capri → u/mjw217]

i do understand completely why op wouldn’t want a stranger at their small wedding, but if jill still wanted to come and wouldn’t know anybody else there since her husband couldn’t make it, should she just be expected to sit alone the whole time? that can be extremely awkward for a lot of people and this is why most people advise others to offer +1s.

it still doesn’t excuse jill and bill’s extreme reaction to end the friendship though, they should have at least asked or addressed the concern with op.

[u/BaileyAMR → u/23capri]

No, she would be expected to mingle and talk to other guests, just as if her partner were there. That's what guests are always expected to do at parties.

[u/kimmy-mac → u/23capri]

Then she should have asked the bride and groom if it was okay to do so. Not assume it was okay.

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/kimmy-mac]

*bride and bride. (But otherwise, I agree with you.)

[u/IWasGoatbeardFirst → u/23capri]

If Jill is uncomfortable attending by herself, she can decline the invitation.

[u/IMHO_My2Cents → u/IWasGoatbeardFirst]

She did

[u/EveH1970 → u/IMHO_My2Cents]

Indeed which is ok, but she then also ended the friendship.

[u/justasque → u/23capri]

There’s always a table of “random people who didn’t fit elsewhere” at weddings. And sometimes that’s the most fun place to be. You’re not the center of attention, and usually the other people are also on the outskirts of the couple’s friend circle, so they’re in the same boat as you. You get a nice dinner, in a fancy environment, paid for by someone else. If you’re super shy, or feel awkward about the whole thing, then you are free to politely decline the invite. But if you are fairly social, you can do the “how do you know the happy couple” conversation which breaks the ice for the “random people” table, then complement everyone else’s outfit, talk about the food, and maybe even get up and dance if that’s your thing. And you can always leave early once the ceremony and meal are done.

The issue here is that Jill didn’t get a plus one. Invites are not transferable, at least not without the couple’s consent. Jill made a big deal out of the “no transfers”, and that was where things went wrong. She took offense when none was intended.

[u/EveH1970 → u/23capri]

I did. I'm an adult and have learned to function at work, with new clients, in public and at weddings without someone I know well. If you need hand holding that's fine, dip out of a wedding, but no need to havea tanty and end of friendship over it.

[u/rabbithasacat → u/23capri]

But it doesn't sound like she wouldn't have known anybody there. They only invited an intimate circle of local friends and loved ones. Even if Jill somehow didn't know anyone else in that circle, they won't exactly be hostile - she could find herself among a bunch of new friends!

This feels more like they're the type of people who think they can't do things separately from their partner, or just can't believe they'd be asked to leave their kids at home, or who want to take a pet with them everywhere they go. And they sort of proved it by flouncing right out of the relationship the moment they got any pushback.

If you're going to offer a plus one, it will say so on the invitation. An invite with named persons on it is an invite for those people. Swapping one out for a stranger and then taking offense when the bride objects is the height of rudeness.

[u/strawberryskis4ever → u/rabbithasacat]

While I agree it is rude to assume a plus one when the invitation named a guest, I think it’s quite a leap to assume that Jill can’t do anything without her partner and never likes to be alone. I also think it is a bit overly optimistic to assume a singleton will make actual friends with the other guests, which I’ve seen mentioned multiple times. I am someone who is quite comfortable in these situations and yet I’ve never walked away from a wedding with an actual new friendship. Been friendly with other guests and enjoyed a lovely evening, maybe even became FB friends (yep, I’m old) but never walked away with a new social circle. As comfortable as I am in these situations, I do not think that’s the norm and I even understand how others could feel differently. Group dynamics can be weird and some friend groups can be very insular, even a bit unwelcoming to outsiders. It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to see how uncomfortable or uncertain being alone in a group can be.

[u/BaileyAMR → u/strawberryskis4ever]

When the couple invites you to their next party or dinner, you will see people you met at the wedding. You will see them many times over the years. They may never be "your" friends, but they can become people you're always glad to see at Joe and Jack's parties.

[u/IMHO_My2Cents → u/strawberryskis4ever]

I wouldn’t not go to a wedding by myself. If my spouse was invited but couldn’t make it I would want to have someone with me too. He was already in the head count what would it hurt to let her bring a plus one?

[u/Icy-Yellow3514 → u/IMHO_My2Cents]

It's a fifty person wedding. Every guest matters. Presumably the couple could have invited someone else who couldn't make the original list.

Regardless, I understand them not wanting someone they never met at their relatively small wedding.

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/IMHO_My2Cents]

OP made clear why it would hurt: they want to know that every single person at their wedding to be supportive of their same sex marriage. 

Implicit in that? They have not been supported in the past, and they seek to be surrounded by their affirming loved ones on their wedding day. A completely reasonable expectation that any decent friend should understand.

[u/MSally2009 → u/MissionSuccess9576]

Came here to say the same thing. In this case, it’s not just the breach of etiquette but it’s also insensitive to the couple’s needs in this situation. There are those who don’t accept LGBTQ relationships as an acceptable societal norm. I can see wanting to be sure that they didn’t have the risk of having an unknown someone at their wedding and overhearing snide, bigoted comments about their lifestyle.

[u/Traditional_Set_858 → u/rabbithasacat]

Going to a wedding alone knowing nobody sounds terrible to me 😅 I am an introvert though so if I’m going to a social event that’s already draining my social battery I need at least someone to talk to that I actually know so I don’t feel overwhelmed

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/rabbithasacat]

That can be even worse if Jill doesn't know them. We know it's an intimate circle for thr couple, not that Jill hangs out with this circle. If everyone else is super close and you're the odd one out rhat no one is including, that can be awful

[u/23capri → u/rabbithasacat]

i don’t disagree with you at all, but you’re making a lot of assumptions too. i did comment again to somebody last night that all we know is that op and wife know everybody coming, not that jill would have been acquainted with anybody. all i was pointing out was that i didn’t think it was good taste to expect a guest to sit alone at an all day event if their designated partner couldn’t attend. some people can handle this with no problem but it would be a nightmare for other people.

these wedding subs always preach don’t be cheap, give your guests a +1 so that guests can be more comfortable with a friend or bf/gf and aren’t alone. we give this courtesy to singles but not to somebody who is married and still making the attempt at coming to your big day?

all we can assume is that jill doesn’t know the other guests, because op didn’t mention it. but jill def should have asked first and she’s a dick by having a tantrum when op tried to address her concerns with her.

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/23capri]

I’ve been single and not given a plus one and knew 1 other guest, who I met twice, and she was a bridesmaid so she could not hang out. It was awkward but I did it! People do it all the time! The day is about the couple not the guest

[u/Ok_Bumblebee3273 → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

exactly- I used to be very shy and my husband couldn’t attend a wedding of my good high school friend that i’d not seen much of in the past few years- so her social circle wasn’t people i knew. went, chatted, smiled, ate, chatted and left. nothing impossible here for most adults.

[u/Dramatic_Lie_7492 → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

I disagree. The ceremony is for the couple. The party is for the guests

[u/lurkmode_off → u/Dramatic_Lie_7492]

Nobody understands that anymore...

[u/threesilos → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Ok but it’s weird if the couple doesn’t care if their guests will enjoy themselves or not.

[u/LeePacemaker → u/threesilos]

Is it really that surprising that a lesbian couple might not want a complete stranger at their wedding? They don’t know for sure if this person will be cool. 

[u/threesilos → u/LeePacemaker]

No, not surprising. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have had any strangers at my wedding either and everybody would have been perfectly fine with that and able to have a great time. But, if you care about friends who matter in your life then things aren’t going to be perfect because small sacrifices are inevitable. If you have the attitude that it is your day and the only things that matter are if you are happy then you may be slightly more comfortable for that day but there is a degree of selfishness there that I don’t understand and I do think that is shown to others when people make those kinds of decisions, which affects relationships. I could not enjoy myself if I thought there was anyone at my wedding who was anxious because they were there without anyone close to them which I could have fixed by letting them bring one person. So, there were people there I didn’t know but I would never have even thought about not allowing my guests to bring support if they needed it. Maybe that is because I do have an anxiety disorder (medicated and doing fine now) and it made me hyper aware of how others were feeling around me.

[u/lurkmode_off → u/LeePacemaker]

Surely you could trust your extremely close friend to only bring someone "cool."

[u/KittHeartshoe → u/LeePacemaker]

But they won’t be interacting with this stranger, really. The bridal couple is often only able to spend a small amount of time with each guest. It’s not like they will be trapped with this stranger. Meanwhile, their guest, who they presumably want to be there, will be more comfortable.

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/KittHeartshoe]

It’s not about interaction, it’s about presence. 

If you and your fiance had experienced discrimination for who you are, how comfortable would you be about having strangers at your wedding? 

If OP and her wife wanted to celebrate their marriage solely in the presence of supportive loved ones, their friends should be understanding of that, even if they choose not to attend (out of discomfort or whatever else). Ending the friendship over that reasonable request is a sign of the friendship’s limitations, I think.

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/threesilos]

This lady can’t enjoy herself without a plus one? A little wacky

[u/threesilos → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

There are a lot of people who get anxious in situations where they don’t know anyone else. Some don’t get anxious but having to be very social with people they don’t know drains them, so they wouldn’t enjoy the time there. How is this wacky?

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/threesilos]

I also get anxious and don’t enjoy socializing with a bunch of strangers but I don’t wimp out of events that are important to people I love. I understand others prefer to wimp out.

[u/threesilos → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Ok. I was replying to someone who implied it was really strange that someone might not have a great time if they had to go alone without knowing other people there. That has nothing to do with whether someone “wimps” out or not. But I am glad you got to point out that your anxiety isn’t so severe that you have to stay home.

[u/KittHeartshoe → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Extrovert, huh?

[u/strawberryskis4ever → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

I mean I do and have done it but I’m pretty extroverted and feel comfortable introducing myself to strangers and making conversation with just about anyone. That is not the case for everyone (most people?) and I can definitely see how uncomfortable it could be to be alone in that situation.

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/strawberryskis4ever]

I’m very introverted but I sucked it up for my friends - the couple - who wanted me there. Anyone who can’t do an in town wedding by themselves needs help. It’s max four hours.

[u/BaileyAMR → u/strawberryskis4ever]

Talking to strangers is a skill most people can learn. Some will never enjoy it, but it's a basic part of having a social life.

If Jill and Bill had come to the wedding and spoken only to each other all night, that would be rude behavior.

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Then don't host a party if it's all about you and not your guests. I think it's extremely rude to ask people to come out to celebrate you and not care about them. At a normal party, the host is usually running aroud taking care of their guests, talking to them, introducing them. At a wedding they can't, so they should have taken care of those needs by inviting a +1 for company. IMO its on par with not feeding your guests because it's about thr couple and not you so you can deal with being hungry for one day

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/jittery_raccoon]

Who said OP and her wife don’t care about Jill and Bill? OP already stated it’s a small, intimate wedding - precisely the kind of reception where they are engaging with the few guests whom they chose to join them in celebration.

And wedding receptions aren’t “normal parties.” They are, in fact, about celebrating the union of the newlyweds. OP and her wife made clear why their guest list was limited and specific. Jill is not the friend that OP needs in her life if she can’t recognize that a few hours spent w/ OP’s other loved ones is a gift rather than a burden.

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/MissionSuccess9576]

No one can hang out with 50 guests at their wedding. 50 isn't even what I would consider small and intimate. That's normal party size with seperate tables and not everyone may meet. Their perception of who is in the room on that day is vastly different than what the guests will experience.

The couple will say hello to everyone and still only spend significant time with a select few. That's just how it goes. And they can't recognize that Jill will spend hours being uncomfortable for them. I just don't see why anyone would want to leave a friend feeling lonely and uncomfortable for no reason while they're busy taking pictures and greeting people and dancing. They won't even notice the extra guests themselves other than saying hello for 2 minutes

I've been a plus one at weddings where I didn't know the couple. I spent the evening with my date and random guests that were not super close with the couple. The couple barely had time to say hello to my dates, who they invited, in those situations

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/jittery_raccoon]

“I just don’t see why anyone would want to leave a friend feeling lonely and uncomfortable for no reason.”

OP provided a reason, and a darn good one, too. She and her partner have not been supported authentically in the past (seemingly for who they are as a couple), and as a result they want to celebrate their marriage in the exclusive company of supportive loved ones. 

You’ve written a lot on this thread about OP “not caring” about Jill’s discomfort. Why not consider that Jill (seemingly) did not care about causing OP discomfort - at her own wedding?

-edited for precision.

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/MissionSuccess9576]

Most of this thread is just straight people centering themselves in a gay couples wedding and it’s very wild

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

💯💯💯

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/jittery_raccoon]

No one agrees with you. You sound like a lot of work, I wouldn’t invite someone like you

[u/KittHeartshoe → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

I agree with Jittery_Raccoon. This is standard, basic etiquette. It may be old fashioned but it was the standard for a reason. Guests get a plus one. Food and drink are provided if the event is lengthy. Have enough chairs for all your guests.

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Lol. Only reddit disagrees. Yep, I sound like so much work because I actually tend to my guests. I'm glad I'll never be invited to your shitty parties

[u/QwilleransMustache → u/jittery_raccoon]

You are completely correct.

"I am getting married. I would like the people around me to come out and celebrate with me, and we can all have an amazing, fun time." Wouldn't it be nice if this is how people thought?

"I am getting married. I am going to throw a party where absolutely everything will be centred around me and at the expense of others', even if it makes them greatly uncomfortable. They need to suck it up for me, because this is my day." That is such a greedy and selfish way of going through life. I can't believe as a society we're encouraging this behaviour. We've become so self-centred. It's sad.

[u/esuomyekcim_ → u/jittery_raccoon]

Exactly! It's a party. It is absolutely about the guests. If it's not about the guests, why have guests? Just go sign papers and move on with your life

[u/FluidBarracuda9177 → u/23capri]

There’d be 49 other people there that she could get acquainted to. She wouldn’t have to sit all alone.

[u/Express-Stop7830 → u/FluidBarracuda9177]

Agreed. I once attended a wedding across the country (US) without a +1 and didn't know anyone except the couple and the beat man. I had a lovely weekend in SoCal, doing my own thing and then I talked to and got to know the people seated at my table. Jill is weird and immature and then blowing up the friendship? Wild.

[u/toru_okada_4ever → u/23capri]

What kind of twilight zone weddings do you people attend where a guest is likely to know zero of the other guests?

Edit: ok, I surrender. Hearing about all your obvious occasions for guests not really knowing anyone, I guess my own wedding experience is rather limited. Thanks for not not testing me a new one, but being all jolly about it.

[u/Ref_KT → u/toru_okada_4ever]

It's unlikely but not a 0% chance, especially if the wedding is smaller/mostly family and it's a friend that's invited. 

[u/No_Gold3131 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

Quite a few, actually? It's happened to me several times. There are a lot of scenarios where this occurs.

[u/toru_okada_4ever → u/No_Gold3131]

Ok, I realize I’m probably a little narrow-minded about this. Do you mind sharing how a typical event like this plays out? Do you mostly hang out with your +1 or are there some mixing involved?

[u/No_Gold3131 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

Well, for years my husband was the "boss" in a small law firm. I was working too, so I wasn't particularly involved in his office. I went to four or five weddings where he was invited (because the"boss" does get invited to these things), but there were only a couple of his coworkers, and I knew no one particularly well. I may have met them once or twice, but that's it.

Back in the day, I had a boyfriend who took me to a few family weddings. He had an off/on relationship with his family of origin, so we didn't socialize with them at all. I barely knew anyone at those weddings. I also went to a wedding of one of his co-workers, and knew no one else there.

That's off the top of my head, and there have been others like that.

In those situations, you have a drink and you chit chat with folks at your table about superficial things. After you watch a bit of dancing and then make your goodbyes. Kind of like you are at a bar in a hotel somewhere or if you are at a work event?

I think, back in the day, people used to do this kind of thing much more often. Now everyone seems to find it cringe to go anywhere where they don't know a bunch of folks.

[u/jackandsally060609 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

I went to my brother in laws wedding where he married a girl he met in the army who was not from our area. My husband has a very small family, and the fiancé was a part of a Baptist church that her grandfather and great grandfather had been the pastors of for like 100 years.

So we attended a huge wedding, in a 100 year old Baptist church, where we only knew 3 other people there and the others were entirely strangers.

[u/toru_okada_4ever → u/jackandsally060609]

But not all of them were strangers after, right? :-)

[u/jackandsally060609 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

It was a baptist wedding in Palmettoville Florida with no alcohol and shitty food, I think I felt worse about humanity after the wedding than I did before it.

[u/DeliciousBlueberry20 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

there were def people who didn’t know anyone else at my wedding. one person was my coworker that hadn’t met any of my friends yet. another was one of my husband’s friends that he met working in the same field and going to a bunch of conferences together, who was from a entirely different state than anyone else there. another was the daughter of my mother in law’s best friend, who had recently immigrated from a different country. these people were given plus ones and allowed to bring anyone, bf/gf or a friend. me and my husband both have immigrant families from very different countries and have moved across the country several times so i would say that most people didn’t know each other at our wedding. it still ended up being fun! people made new friends :)

[u/Llayanna → u/toru_okada_4ever]

I don't know a lot if my best friends friends and colleagues.  They are hers, not mine.

She doesn't know mine. I don't think that is so strange.

[u/Different-Breakfast → u/toru_okada_4ever]

I went to my college roommate’s wedding about 4-5 years after we graduated and I literally only knew her and the groom, and our other roommate (who was a bridesmaid so not around to mingle much). Thankfully I had met other roommate’s family a few times and kinda hung around them, but it’s not unusual to be invited to an old friend’s wedding where you don’t know others because of different current friends.

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/toru_okada_4ever]

This happens frequently. People invite from every sector of their life and also reach into the past. Perhaps an old college friend, a friemd that lives in a different state, or the one coworker you're also friends with

[u/Civil_Ad4544 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

None of my friends know each other because I’ve moved multiple times throughout my life and picked people up in various places like school, work, church, sports. It’s really not that weird. They know of each other but they don’t hang out or talk. You do understand that there are many, many different life experiences out there, right? You have a very small view of the world.

[u/toru_okada_4ever → u/Civil_Ad4544]

And there’s no mingling/mixing of guests at these events? Everybody just sits and walks around with their +1?

[u/Material_Extension72 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

As an introvert that would be exhausting, if not downright terrifying, without any "support person" (+1 in this case) there if you didn't know anybody else

[u/Llayanna → u/Material_Extension72]

I am not introverted but shy to the unhealthy extreme. Plus bad experiences with bullying makes it incredible hard for me to thaw.

Once I am thawed? Sure, i can be the live of the party I guess. But that would never happen as their wouod be to many strangers.

There are so many reasons why a person would need a plus 1 at a wedding.

It's really about asking I think. And maybe picking someone the happy couple also knows, so it's not so weird for them? 

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/Material_Extension72]

If you can’t leave the house without a support person then that’s a different story— a therapy story, not something to trouble a bride with

[u/4_celine → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Right, but that's obviously why Jill isn't attending now. Dismissing their friends therapy story as an etiquette issue might be why the friendship is over.

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/4_celine]

I’m betting Jill wants to bring a straight person with her for comfort, not that she is afraid to leave the house

[u/morgaine125 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

Small weddings where you’re not family?

[u/BaileyAMR → u/toru_okada_4ever]

I have been to multiple weddings where I knew zero other guests. I was the only person invited from work, or a childhood friend I still talked to but I didn't know their adult friends invited me, etc. It's not that big a deal. You go, you meet people, you eat, and, if it's really boring, you leave early.

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

I had a few at my own wedding: a childhood friend from a neighborhood I left at age 6, a mentor from a program I did in my teens, a friend from my grad school in another country, an uncle from a different region of the U.S. And then, all of the significant others of various friends and family members. From what I could see of the dance floor and in the photos later on, all seemed to enjoy themselves.

I’ve attended a few myself, as the plus one / significant other, and as the sole connection from some chapter of the bride or groom’s life.

And then: my spouse is a minister who officiates weddings, and occasionally the couple welcomes her to stay for the reception and bring me along. In those cases, I truly know no one. And yet, I tend to have a nice time. Getting to know new people, asking questions about their connections to the couple, us reflecting on the happy couple’s ceremony and their new lives together, etc. People tend to be warm and willing to connect with strangers over a shared meal in honor of their friend (particularly in a nice place w/ some good music.)

[u/Ok_Bumblebee3273 → u/MissionSuccess9576]

exactly, like, there are only about a thousand obvious conversation starters at an event like that.

[u/23capri → u/toru_okada_4ever]

there’s no need to be so rude. i acknowledged that the lady went about this the wrong way but it does happen. op didn’t specify that jill/bill were acquainted with the other guests, just that they knew all their own guests.

i have been invited to weddings where i only knew the bride/groom. one was this past summer and after speaking with my friend, i opted out of attending the wedding and we planned to just meet up to get dinner when her life calmed down after. she understood that i wouldn’t know anybody there and she agreed that she also wouldn’t want to sit through a whole day wedding which she had no friends at either. maybe you have a very small social circle where you can’t imagine having relationships outside of your group of friends? have you ever moved cities? like it’s not that bizarre actually.

[u/Striking_Host1047 → u/23capri]

No one was rude to you, tbh. They were just replying.

[u/23capri → u/Striking_Host1047]

it was a little rude.

[u/Striking_Host1047 → u/23capri]

You’re very easily offended if you can’t hear someone else’s opinion. How can you stand being on Reddit, lol

[u/Nice_Back_9977 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

It’s really not that uncommon. Even if a single attendee does know a few other guests if they are all in couples and they only know them casually it can still leave the single guest pretty isolated for the whole event.

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/Nice_Back_9977]

Just leave early it’s fine!

[u/Nice_Back_9977 → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Or don't go at all! Which is what I do now as a single woman if I don't get the courtesy of a plus one.

[u/toru_okada_4ever → u/Nice_Back_9977]

For all weddings or just those where you know only the bride and/or groom?

[u/Nice_Back_9977 → u/toru_okada_4ever]

All

[u/pattybliving → u/23capri]

But everyone sits at tables when they eat so she wouldn’t have been alone.

[u/mulberry_sellers → u/mjw217]

I think if you're given a true +1/"and guest" you can bring someone the couple doesn't know. It's ok etiquette-wise.