Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/mjw217]

I was recently invited to a wedding for someone I’ve known for a very long time. I’m a widow. I expected to attend by myself. I figured I’d know a couple of people, besides the bride and her family, so I wasn’t worried. I was so surprised to receive a plus one. My oldest daughter, who does know the family, went with me. The family knew that I wasn’t in a relationship or dating anyone. Even with the plus one, I wouldn’t have asked a stranger to the family to come with me. That just seems wrong.

[u/23capri → u/mjw217]

i do understand completely why op wouldn’t want a stranger at their small wedding, but if jill still wanted to come and wouldn’t know anybody else there since her husband couldn’t make it, should she just be expected to sit alone the whole time? that can be extremely awkward for a lot of people and this is why most people advise others to offer +1s.

it still doesn’t excuse jill and bill’s extreme reaction to end the friendship though, they should have at least asked or addressed the concern with op.

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/23capri]

I’ve been single and not given a plus one and knew 1 other guest, who I met twice, and she was a bridesmaid so she could not hang out. It was awkward but I did it! People do it all the time! The day is about the couple not the guest

[u/Ok_Bumblebee3273 → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

exactly- I used to be very shy and my husband couldn’t attend a wedding of my good high school friend that i’d not seen much of in the past few years- so her social circle wasn’t people i knew. went, chatted, smiled, ate, chatted and left. nothing impossible here for most adults.

[u/Dramatic_Lie_7492 → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

I disagree. The ceremony is for the couple. The party is for the guests

[u/lurkmode_off → u/Dramatic_Lie_7492]

Nobody understands that anymore...

[u/threesilos → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Ok but it’s weird if the couple doesn’t care if their guests will enjoy themselves or not.

[u/LeePacemaker → u/threesilos]

Is it really that surprising that a lesbian couple might not want a complete stranger at their wedding? They don’t know for sure if this person will be cool. 

[u/threesilos → u/LeePacemaker]

No, not surprising. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have had any strangers at my wedding either and everybody would have been perfectly fine with that and able to have a great time. But, if you care about friends who matter in your life then things aren’t going to be perfect because small sacrifices are inevitable. If you have the attitude that it is your day and the only things that matter are if you are happy then you may be slightly more comfortable for that day but there is a degree of selfishness there that I don’t understand and I do think that is shown to others when people make those kinds of decisions, which affects relationships. I could not enjoy myself if I thought there was anyone at my wedding who was anxious because they were there without anyone close to them which I could have fixed by letting them bring one person. So, there were people there I didn’t know but I would never have even thought about not allowing my guests to bring support if they needed it. Maybe that is because I do have an anxiety disorder (medicated and doing fine now) and it made me hyper aware of how others were feeling around me.

[u/lurkmode_off → u/LeePacemaker]

Surely you could trust your extremely close friend to only bring someone "cool."

[u/KittHeartshoe → u/LeePacemaker]

But they won’t be interacting with this stranger, really. The bridal couple is often only able to spend a small amount of time with each guest. It’s not like they will be trapped with this stranger. Meanwhile, their guest, who they presumably want to be there, will be more comfortable.

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/KittHeartshoe]

It’s not about interaction, it’s about presence. 

If you and your fiance had experienced discrimination for who you are, how comfortable would you be about having strangers at your wedding? 

If OP and her wife wanted to celebrate their marriage solely in the presence of supportive loved ones, their friends should be understanding of that, even if they choose not to attend (out of discomfort or whatever else). Ending the friendship over that reasonable request is a sign of the friendship’s limitations, I think.

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/threesilos]

This lady can’t enjoy herself without a plus one? A little wacky

[u/threesilos → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

There are a lot of people who get anxious in situations where they don’t know anyone else. Some don’t get anxious but having to be very social with people they don’t know drains them, so they wouldn’t enjoy the time there. How is this wacky?

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/threesilos]

I also get anxious and don’t enjoy socializing with a bunch of strangers but I don’t wimp out of events that are important to people I love. I understand others prefer to wimp out.

[u/threesilos → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Ok. I was replying to someone who implied it was really strange that someone might not have a great time if they had to go alone without knowing other people there. That has nothing to do with whether someone “wimps” out or not. But I am glad you got to point out that your anxiety isn’t so severe that you have to stay home.

[u/KittHeartshoe → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Extrovert, huh?

[u/strawberryskis4ever → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

I mean I do and have done it but I’m pretty extroverted and feel comfortable introducing myself to strangers and making conversation with just about anyone. That is not the case for everyone (most people?) and I can definitely see how uncomfortable it could be to be alone in that situation.

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/strawberryskis4ever]

I’m very introverted but I sucked it up for my friends - the couple - who wanted me there. Anyone who can’t do an in town wedding by themselves needs help. It’s max four hours.

[u/BaileyAMR → u/strawberryskis4ever]

Talking to strangers is a skill most people can learn. Some will never enjoy it, but it's a basic part of having a social life.

If Jill and Bill had come to the wedding and spoken only to each other all night, that would be rude behavior.

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Then don't host a party if it's all about you and not your guests. I think it's extremely rude to ask people to come out to celebrate you and not care about them. At a normal party, the host is usually running aroud taking care of their guests, talking to them, introducing them. At a wedding they can't, so they should have taken care of those needs by inviting a +1 for company. IMO its on par with not feeding your guests because it's about thr couple and not you so you can deal with being hungry for one day

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/jittery_raccoon]

Who said OP and her wife don’t care about Jill and Bill? OP already stated it’s a small, intimate wedding - precisely the kind of reception where they are engaging with the few guests whom they chose to join them in celebration.

And wedding receptions aren’t “normal parties.” They are, in fact, about celebrating the union of the newlyweds. OP and her wife made clear why their guest list was limited and specific. Jill is not the friend that OP needs in her life if she can’t recognize that a few hours spent w/ OP’s other loved ones is a gift rather than a burden.

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/MissionSuccess9576]

No one can hang out with 50 guests at their wedding. 50 isn't even what I would consider small and intimate. That's normal party size with seperate tables and not everyone may meet. Their perception of who is in the room on that day is vastly different than what the guests will experience.

The couple will say hello to everyone and still only spend significant time with a select few. That's just how it goes. And they can't recognize that Jill will spend hours being uncomfortable for them. I just don't see why anyone would want to leave a friend feeling lonely and uncomfortable for no reason while they're busy taking pictures and greeting people and dancing. They won't even notice the extra guests themselves other than saying hello for 2 minutes

I've been a plus one at weddings where I didn't know the couple. I spent the evening with my date and random guests that were not super close with the couple. The couple barely had time to say hello to my dates, who they invited, in those situations

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/jittery_raccoon]

“I just don’t see why anyone would want to leave a friend feeling lonely and uncomfortable for no reason.”

OP provided a reason, and a darn good one, too. She and her partner have not been supported authentically in the past (seemingly for who they are as a couple), and as a result they want to celebrate their marriage in the exclusive company of supportive loved ones. 

You’ve written a lot on this thread about OP “not caring” about Jill’s discomfort. Why not consider that Jill (seemingly) did not care about causing OP discomfort - at her own wedding?

-edited for precision.

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/MissionSuccess9576]

Most of this thread is just straight people centering themselves in a gay couples wedding and it’s very wild

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

💯💯💯

[u/Ok-Dot-9324 → u/jittery_raccoon]

No one agrees with you. You sound like a lot of work, I wouldn’t invite someone like you

[u/KittHeartshoe → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

I agree with Jittery_Raccoon. This is standard, basic etiquette. It may be old fashioned but it was the standard for a reason. Guests get a plus one. Food and drink are provided if the event is lengthy. Have enough chairs for all your guests.

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/Ok-Dot-9324]

Lol. Only reddit disagrees. Yep, I sound like so much work because I actually tend to my guests. I'm glad I'll never be invited to your shitty parties

[u/QwilleransMustache → u/jittery_raccoon]

You are completely correct.

"I am getting married. I would like the people around me to come out and celebrate with me, and we can all have an amazing, fun time." Wouldn't it be nice if this is how people thought?

"I am getting married. I am going to throw a party where absolutely everything will be centred around me and at the expense of others', even if it makes them greatly uncomfortable. They need to suck it up for me, because this is my day." That is such a greedy and selfish way of going through life. I can't believe as a society we're encouraging this behaviour. We've become so self-centred. It's sad.

[u/esuomyekcim_ → u/jittery_raccoon]

Exactly! It's a party. It is absolutely about the guests. If it's not about the guests, why have guests? Just go sign papers and move on with your life