yesterday while dilating i tried fingering myself to see how it's going. usually i never had problems with putting one finger in even though it did sometimes feel very tense and uncomfy down there but i was never able to put two fingers in. i couldn't even get past the entrance because i would instantly feel that burning sensation and immense pain. not only that but i was too tight so putting the second finger in was just impossible. yesterday though since i was pretty wet and aroused i wanted to try putting two fingers and i finally managed to do it!!! i couldn't believe myself haha, i actually started crying from happiness. it maybe doesn't sound like a big deal but for me, it gave me a sense of hope. anyways i just wanted to share this so if anyone is going through the same thing, please don't feel alone!! 🩷🫂

Never even able to insert a pap smear inside - after ALL possible and existing procedures and therapies. I don’t need advices, i’ve written here before and i’ve visited enough doctors, read A LOT on the Internet and when I say that I’ve tried everything - I mean it. Doctors that i have been working with don’t have any ideas anymore about what to do with my fucking vagina. I’m practically disabled. It feels like hell when I know that I go outside and EVERY PERSON around does have sex - but not me. Even if they don’t, they at least can do that. To be honest, I hate getting notifications from these group, because EVERYONE eventually finds their cure, specifically annoying for me those ones that get sex without any medical stuff, only with practice and ‘trust’ to their partner. I genuinely hate everyone who is healthy, who has vaginismus, myself as well. I can’t fulfill my basic need. Vaginismus IS a disability I simply can not accept and now, officially, won’t be able to cure. Don’t say stuff like I can get sex without penetration too - I know it and I don’t like it, don’t need it. That’s it.

upd it is so hypocritical to tell me that i need to change my perception. but we are ALL here because of sex, right? haha but for me you are saying other things because it is obvious THAT I WILL NOT BE CURED. and suddenly it becomes not so important. 

Hi, I (32f) don’t have vagismus but I do have Lichen sclerosis. I thought this community may have some helpful advice? I’ve been trying to use dilators (under pelvic physios direction) for a while now but always seem to end up back at square one. Something I think will help is consistent use, but as soon as my period shows up my motivation disappears. I wait out the week and then surprise, surprise, back to square one. I’ve thought about trying and doing it in the shower so it’s less messy, but I just can’t seem to ‘relax’ or get the right angles in terms of massaging and then dilators. Like, do I need to lay on the shower floor?

Are there any strategies that you use to maintain consistency in/around your period?

I’m losing hope that I will gain any sort of intimacy back with my husband. He’s the most supportive person ever, but I can see in his eyes that he’s also getting deflated (he would never say anything). I’ve been struggling for 18 months now and I’m just trying to sum up the courage to just get on with it and do it daily until I’m at my husbands size.
Any advice appreciated!

If you guys have seen my previous posts I mention how I have been suffering with vaginismus for a year now. I have tried dilators, massages, pelvic floor exercises, breathing/stretching, mentally preparing but can only get a dilator in 2 inches and then there’s my clenched muscle. I’ve heard people say to be aroused/ pleasure yourself by using vibrators and toys. But I’ve never pleasured myself with toys before. What shall I buy? And how do I use it? I need affordable options as I don’t have the finances atm. Need help with pleasuring myself so that I can connect the pleasure with dilators hopefully? I just want to be able to give myself an O so any advice will help.

I was diagnosed with vaginismus a little over a year ago and at first i was making great progress. From not even a qtip to the second biggest dilator in my set. However now my progress feels stagnant.
For months i have been stuck on the same dilator size, no improvement in sight. I have lost all my motivation, I barely dilate to begin with, but because I know nothing is happening.
Everyone swears on diaphragmatic breathing but I just can’t seem to get it right. I feel broken why do I not even understand something as innate as breathing…
If you have any tips or videos that make it easier for me to understand then please share them with me. I dont even understand how to breathe out for longer than 3 seconds, im out of breath after 2. Im so close to giving all up completely.
And no PT is unfortunately not an option for me right now.

I suspected that I had vaginismus a while ago when I tried to have penetrative sex for the first time in my life. I had expected a little pain with penetration, but not the kind I experienced during it. A while later we tried again, and I had a panic attack before he even started inserting. After that I decided to buy some dilators and go to pelvic floor therapy. That was a little over 3 months ago.

Since then, I have been dilating almost every day, and was able to progress relatively quickly. During that time I had not attempted PIV, as I knew it would still hurt extremely. I used a vibrator that resembles my bf’s penis to dilate, to try and get myself used to it before trying to have sex. Well, last night I was confident I could fit him and it worked! It wasn’t particularly comfortable/pleasurable, but i’m still really happy we were able to have sex without pain!

does anyone have this?! i had my second dream about a gyn appointment this week and both were traumatising😭😭 i’ve been thinking a lot about my vaginismus and i’ve been dilating before bed but still my mind seems to be occupied by that topic🥲

I'm curious to hear different perspectives on something, and I hope this comes across respectfully.

When one partner has vaginismus and the other experiences erectile dysfunction (ED), both may already be dealing with anxiety, expectations, and the pressure to make penetrative sex work. Sometimes, the effort to fix things can unintentionally make intimacy feel like a task or a test rather than something enjoyable.

What if, as a couple, they decided to take penetration off the table for a while and focus on other forms of intimacy — outercourse, mutual pleasure, sensual touch, or whatever feels comfortable and fulfilling for both of them?

Would it be reasonable to let go of the pressure to achieve penetration, at least for some time, and build a satisfying intimate life around what works for them? Or could stepping away from that goal feel like giving up on something important?

I'm not suggesting that anyone should abandon treatment or that penetration shouldn't matter if it's something they genuinely want. I'm more curious about how couples can balance the desire to work through these difficulties with the need to enjoy intimacy in the present.

Where do you stand on this? Can a couple be happy and sexually fulfilled without making penetrative sex the ultimate goal, or would most people still feel that something important was missing?

I'd especially appreciate perspectives that consider both partners' feelings, without putting the responsibility for fixing everything on either person.

One additional question: For people who share this outlook on intimacy, are there any subreddits or communities where they can connect with like-minded people and potentially find a compatible partner? I'm curious whether such spaces exist, particularly for people who value emotional connection and a fulfilling intimate life without penetration being a requirement.

Hello! Im a 20 year old female whos had sex for the first time last weekend!! Im super happy that i get to finally say that 😆. The problem is that in all positions i tried doing, my bf says im too tense and i keep pushing him out (involuntarily) and that i need to relax even though im trying my hardest to relax and i dont know what other body part im supposed to be relaxing 😭. The only position we can get into is if i get ontop and slowly slide myself down.. and once i do ill just lay my chest on his and he will do all the work 😆. it still hurts and he has to be pretty still so i can acclimate myself to it as im slowwly sliding down, But once its in we can have sex, but again thats the only position we can do fornow. Missionary just hurts and i keep tensing up, doggy is just impossible because according to him im just so tight it wont even go in 😭. The thing is, ive always been pretty tight, (not in a weird way) i can put a finger in myself, barely 2 if im turned on, it doesnt hurt its just uncomfortable.

A problem i have is that i can only take about 3 and a half inches of dick, maybe 4 - 4 1/2 while hes thrusting (still while im top) but thats about it. I tried looking it up and apparently my cervix is supposed to allow me to take more than that once i get turned on but ive came multiple times that night and i was still unable to take more.. i cannot afford a visit to the obgyn (i dont have insurance), and i know vaginismus is treatable, is there any advice i should take? Im asking for the pain, the positions, the inability to take the full package, and what i can do to reduce this. Im kinda heartbroken about this, it was such a fun and amazing experience and i want to do more so bad, it just hurts and it just seems like a future hassle to constantly need to acclimate..

Just to clarify! My boyfriend is so extremely supportive and told me to take as much time as i need! There is no pressure on me from him, this is something i want to fix for my own future 🩵

Has anyone had a partner who felt like you weren’t sexually compatible because you don’t enjoy the same things?
My husband feels like we’re sexually incompatible because I don’t seem to enjoy the things he enjoys. But I feel like he doesn’t fully understand how much vaginismus and my past sexual experiences have affected me. Sex hasn’t really been pleasurable for me, and it’s affected my confidence a lot. I’m only now starting to understand all of this through sex therapy.
Has anyone been through something similar? Did it cause resentment or emotional distance in your relationship? Were you able to rebuild that connection? And how did you deal with the guilt and feeling like you’re not enough?

Has anyone else had the same experience with their OB-GYN suggesting a vaginal birth will “fix” their vaginismus?

I’ve been going to the gym and recently started doing a lot of glute activation/ hip stretches before my leg and glute day. It’s made a huge difference for my gym progress, but also I think I also am starting to feel less restricted/ tight down there in general. I was always really inflexible when I was younger, and just thought it was the way I was, but now I’m starting to think it’s all related to vaginismus and SA. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Has your vaginismus gotten better through working on your tight hips or did you still have to do pelvic floor therapy? I’m terrified of pelvic floor therapy as it sounds super invasive to me.

tw for sa / csa

23 yo ftm with history of severe trauma that lasted through my childhood and adolescence.

ive been to an obgyn before and they were genuinely so mean to me. i had a panic attack in the waiting room and then once i got in there it took all my courage to talk to this fucking lady. and she was HORRIBLE to me.

she asked if i was sexually active. i said no. she asked about pregnancy later, and i said yes. so her response was "so you lied?" haha, no, actually! i was 12 and it was my own dad but sure if that's what you consider sexually active then so fucking be it! literally made me feel even more disgusting and ashamed. i worked so hard scripting to get the courage to ask about vaginismus without directly saying the words, and i was like, hey, i can't use tampons at all. they hurt me a lot and so does anything else in there. she just got all angry at me and said i was "doing it wrong" and "needed to just figure it out" she also misgendered me the whole time despite my file being very clear that i am a trans man and have identified as such for years.

this was years ago now, but, i genuinely can't even entertain the idea of going back to an obgyn. nobody advertises themselves as trauma informed, which makes it impossible for me to navigate. i always get comments about how part of curing vaginismus is an obgyn, and then hopefully they refer you to pvt, etc, but like. i don't know what to do. i am terrified of the obgyn. i haven't gone since then (which was probably like age 17 or 18) and honestly i don't know if i ever even will. i have no idea why some obgyns are just fucking evil, and i also don't have it in me to "trial and error" through horrible ones.

i don't know what to do atp. and yes, im in psychotherapy and have been for 10+ years.

hi! im having trouble progressing only when im on my back. i tried raising my knees with a pillow and relaxing my legs in different ways but it always feels like i hit a wall, even when theres no burning or discomfort. im only on the second dilator size of the intimate rose and i cant get it half way in.

however, if i lie on my side or squat i cant comfortably get the third size in, with a couple more sessions i think i could get to the fourth. im waiting on a PT appointment in november, should i keep progressing in other positions? or should i not move up sizes if its not working on my back and put more focus there?

i dont want to create a frustrating experience but im not sure what the right approach is!

Il y a quelques mois j'ai rencontré un homme avec qui je suis devenue ami, il nous est arrivé plusieurs fois d'avoir des ''relations sexuelles'' fin seulement les prelis. Je sais qu'il a énormément d'expérience et qu'il est très porté sur le sexe etc...en revanche moi, bien que j'en ai aussi envie, j'ai eu quelques expériences sexuelles mais seulement les prelis donc si un jour on va plus loin (ce qui ne me dérangerai pas) je ferai donc ma première fois avec lui (sachant que j'ai du vaginisme mais que je fais des progres) , je ne suis pas sûre qu'il sache que c'est ma première fois et surtout que j'ai ce genre de problème donc je ne sais pas vraiment si je pourrais lui en parler car notre relation n'est pas si ''forte'' que ça et je n'ai aussi pas vraiment envie de le faire fuir. Mais j'ai juste un peu peur qu'il y ai donc des problèmes de douleur par exemple ou autre et que ça ''foire''. Est ce que je devrais tenter quand même ?

Parce que malgres cette ''peur'' qui est plus de l'appréhension, je l'apprécie énormément, et nous sommes en accord sur beaucoup de chose donc ça serai quelques chose que j'aimerai faire.

Merci à toutes celles qui répondront ^^

i feel like this is something i haven’t seen a lot of people talk about and was wondering if anyone had a similar experience. this is kinda half a vent half a support seeking post so i didn’t know how to tag sorry.

but basically, outer stimulation doesn’t really do it for me. i promise i have tried many different ways (and partners and toys) and like sure it’s not like i feel nothing it’s just… very underwhelming. the orgasms (if i have them) are weak and shitty and barely worth the 20 to 30 minutes of work it takes to get them.

i’ve had friends with similar issues but no vaginismus who said penetration felt 100 times better for them and they orgasmed faster and stronger. my obgyn also said some women just respond better to penetrative stimulation than outer one.

well, as the universe would have it, i have vaginismus. i can do internal penetration (after a lot of time spent on it) but it’s just… the whole process of taking time to take a muscle relaxer, put lidocaine, dilate, attempt to have a weak orgasm etc that can also take forever always turns me off without fail. no matter if i have a partner i find really hot that just turned me on right before i did this, doesn’t matter if they touch me the entire time i do this process, dirty talk, play me porn, anything, i get turned off so by the time we get to the penetration it once again feels underwhelming and i don’t really get turned on again so obviously it doesn’t feel that good. i’m just sitting there frustrated while this poor man attempts to turn me on again by any and all means necessary. i tried to relax, i tried anxiety meds, i tried being drunk, i tried being high, tried every position my body could physically get in and still NOTHING.

i want to have penetrative sex! i get turned on and i feel so sexually frustrated because it feels like i’m just bound to be celibate against my will for the rest of my life. i’m sick of everyone just saying “try something else besides piv” I HAVE CONSTANTLY IT DOESN’T WORK.

please someone tell me they have had a similar experience and managed to fix it 😭😭 i’m hoping my vaginismus gets even easier to manage and somehow my little shit routine gets shorter so i’m not turned off by the time i’m done but until then… yeah i think crying into my pillow and reading smut it is

sorry it's so long, just got caught up in gushing about it. on mobile so apologies for any formatting errors.

i recently took the plunge and bought a set of dilators as recommended by my physio. i got the femmax set that she recommended.

i was so anxious because previously she and my gyno had suggested i do gentle perineal massages and i was really struggling to do them. it felt intimidating and uncomfortable, i didn't feel like i could get into a comfortable position to even start. but i persisted and kept trying even though it just sort of felt like it hurt.

but the last appointment i had with my physio, she asked if i was doing them and i said yes, and she asked if i could get my thumb inside and i said yes, a little bit. and what i was picturing was that i could get my thumb maybe a cm inside before i hit a painful wall, and i had maybe done the massages about 4 times since i had last saw her? and she asked if i had bought the dilators she recommended and i said "not yet", thinking i was nowhere near that and it was a far-off future. and well, i was feeling really bad that i hadn't done many of the exercises and i was worried that she would take any reluctance as evidence that i wasn't engaging with the physio and she would therefore discharge me, so i put a bit more confidence in my voice to try and assure her i really was giving it a go. and well, i think i did that too well because then she was like "okay, so have a look at those, keep going with putting your thumb in and we'll try and aim for me to be able to do an examination next time, okay?" and i was like "uhhhh sure, i can try!" whilst internally panicking a lil bit.

but i felt bad for sort of accidentally deceiving her, so i bought the dilators before i could talk myself out of it. and then when they arrived, i gave it a go. at first i had the very familiar feeling of just getting generally stuck and this intense burning pain near the entrance but then i took a breath and went in with my thumb to try and explore a bit. and what do you know? i found two things. first, which i think i already knew somewhat but can sometimes forget, i have quite a forward angle, so if i try to insert anything in the angle shown in the pictures, im just jabbing at the back wall. but if i adjust my angle, it's actually quite smooth for something to go in! and secondly, it seems like the source of most of my pain is a little ring of muscle near the entrance that likes to be very tight and doesn't like being stretched, however, if you give it a gentle rub with a thumb before doing anything else, it is actually quite happy to stretch!

i was so certain that the first dilator size would be too big for me (it's about thumb size), but actually, after giving that ring a little massage for even just a few seconds, it went in so smoothly i barely even felt a stretch! and when i gave the second size a go, i felt a stretch but it felt fine - exactly like stretching a muscle right at its limit, a bit uncomfortable but no burning or stinging pain. and what's more, it even felt a bit pleasurable!

in just a moment, dilating and physio has gone from something so so terrifying and unknowable to something i feel so much confidence in. not only did dilating go okay, but now i understand the pain way more than i ever have in my entire life. now, i not only feel comfortable with the idea of an examination, i look forward to telling my physio about this breakthrough and i feel confident that i can tell her "okay, so we will probably need a different angle, and we might need to start by getting that ring of muscle happy, but then you can go ahead and do whatever you need to do". it's such a leap from last time i had an examination, where the gyno could only get about a cm in before i had to tell her to stop because it hurt too much. and it feels so positive because i feel like, even when i lose progress dilating - because there will almost certainly be some setbacks - i have this understanding now, so i won't ever be all the way back to square one.

my vagina is no longer this painful intimidating mystery that id rather ignore and basically pretend doesn't exist. i feel like im connecting with a piece of myself that ive wanted to hate and avoid for so long. im non-binary (he/they) and for a long time i felt like because of that, i was fine just ignoring my vagina and not being bothered that it didn't "work" because i had no attachment to it as a part of my body. and that is still somewhat true, but it is also true that this was a part of my body that i hated and resented and was frustrated with and didn't understand and just caused me nothing but distress, but now it feels like i can truly accept it as part of my body that i love, and now i can love the whole of me. this is such a huge leap. and im just really really proud of myself for buying the dilator set and getting curious and trying things out because that sort of thing is very difficult for me. i have really needed some wins lately and this is just such a wonderful win. wishing the same kind of understanding and all these good feelings on everyone else here <3

A Human-centered Design Approach for Supporting Self-management of Vulvovaginal and Hypertonic Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. (IRB Protocol #: 1762)

My name is Zainab; I am a PhD candidate studying Human-centered computing at the University of Maryland Baltimore County, advised by Dr. Tera Reynolds. My PhD dissertation focuses on studying women's lived and care-seeking experiences with vulvovaginal and related overactive (or hypertonic) pelvic floor dysfunction to uncover care gaps and opportunities for innovation along Women's care journeys.

I am recruiting up to 15 women willing to talk about their experiences with vaginismus or vulvodynia (any form, including localized or generalized), for a paid research study to explore and co-design solutions and strategies for addressing identified gaps in vulvovaginal and pelvic pain healthcare.

Who Can Participate?

To be eligible for the study, you must be:

1)18 years or older, living in the United States, and speak English

2) Have been formally diagnosed with a vulvovaginal pain condition (e.g., vulvodynia or vaginismus) and/or related overactive (or hypertonic) pelvic muscle dysfunction for at least 3 months, and

3) Receiving  treatments for vulvovaginal pain and/or related overactive pelvic muscle dysfunction from a care provider(s), or

4) Have previously received treatments for vulvovaginal pain and/or related overactive pelvic muscle dysfunction from a care provider(s) and are now fully recovered.

Study Involvement:

The study is taking place virtually and involves multiple re-engagements across two data-collection sessions.

If selected, participants will be compensated for their time and contributions ONLY upon completion of each session, and may be compensated up to a $75 gift card for completing both sessions. However, participating in both sessions is not required.

If you are interested, scan the QR code on the flyer or follow the link to enroll in the study: https://umbc.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bj6IryPpXZr9dOu

If you are interested but still have questions, please contact me at: [zainabb1@umbc.edu](mailto:zainabb1@umbc.edu).

Hi! Recently started the pelvic floor and dilation journey. I have the kiwi and VWELL dilation set but just bought the intimate rose pelvic wand. Any suggestions on how to use and incorporate with dilation routine?

Also, I know timeline shouldn’t be the main focus but it’s so hard not to feel hopeless. Was anyone able to have comfortable PIV with less than a year of consistent treatment? Currently doing pelvic floor therapy starting weekly soon, EMDR, and dilation / breathing/ kiwi at home. Recently just got married- have a very supportive husband but really hoping it will not take a year to achieve PIV. For context , my baseline right now is I can withstand ultra size tampons, size 2 from the VWELL with about 2 weeks of dilation, transvaginal ultra sound probe (but with pain for that one).

Thank you so much and sending hope and love to anyone else on this journey!

I was wondering what you guys do once you have a dilator fully inside. I have to glide it in and out to be able to fully push it in, but once the full length is inserted do you have to keep it in there for a certain amount of time without moving it or do you have to keep some sort of motion?

hi so sorry for breaking the rule, i’m a partner of someone with vaginismus and don’t know where to post something since the partner subreddit seems to have been banned. i’d really like to hear some opinions sooner rather than later but don’t want to post about my questions here since it is not monday. is there a new partner subreddit anyone can recommend?

I recently found out I am pregnant. I have mild to moderate vaginismus but can tolerate PIV to some extent. We have actually been TTC for two years and was about to go to assisted. Which freaked me out so much because I cannot do internal examinations. (But I am able to TVS) We moved abroad 2 months ago and found out I was pregnant and we are over the moon. But I am absolutely terrified of giving birth.

I have ready many posts here from people who have given birth naturally. I have never gotten the chance to try dilators or PT exercises because these are not available in my home country. I went to a physiotherapy session once but the doctor just explained breathing techniques and sent me home. Told me reverse kegels is not a thing

Anyways. Now that I am pregnant I want to prepare myself as much I can for natural birth. Should I try to see a PT or are there videos available on YouTube that can help? I am not sure about online videos because my pelvic floor is already very tight and I might accidentally do exercises that tighten the pelvic floor.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

Hi everyone!
I had a hymenectomy two weeks ago because I had a microperforate hymen, which made penetration impossible . So far, my recovery has been going pretty well! The pain has gone away, and I only feel a little discomfort from time to time.
I haven’t tried inserting anything yet because I want to wait a full month to give everything enough time to heal properly.
I was wondering if anyone else had a microperforate hymen and had a hymenectomy. What was your experience with sex afterward? Was penetration easier? Did you experience any pain or discomfort at first?
I’m a little nervous about it and would really appreciate hearing your experiences! ❤️