r/relationship_advice • u/Choice_Boss_6698 • 9h ago
Boyfriend (19M) bothered that penetration doesn’t feel good for me (19F). How do I convince him I’m okay with that / make penetration better for myself?
As the title says, my bf is very bothered by the fact that penetration doesn’t feel good for me. He says that he wants us to enjoy sex equally, which I’ve told him just isn’t possible. I can’t orgasm from penetration, and I’m okay with that!!! He’s great at oral, and even if I don’t cum I don’t really care. I’ve tried to explain that I enjoy sex for the emotional aspect, as well as the motions and just the activity itself, and that my goal isn’t to just cum. He says that he agrees, and he’s of the same opinion, but that he wants penetration to feel as good for me as it does for him. The problem is, I just don’t think that’s possible. It’s not that he’s not endowed, some positions actually hurt cuz it’s too deep for me. Is there any other things to try that could make penetration better for me that isn’t clitoral stimulation?
EDIT: the biggest issue he has is not understanding why I even want to have sex if it’s not physically pleasurable
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u/Ksilverstar25 9h ago
I think your boyfriend needs to educate himself on women's bodies and sex. That's not how any of this works, some women just don't like penetration and THATS OKAY. He's making a big deal out of nothing, you can't magically make your body make something feel good. Tbh this is WHY foreplay is so important, that's usually the part the feels good.
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u/DispondentWayfarer 5h ago
yeah foreplay is the best, you can start subtly hours before anything happens, you can build it and build it, until my clothes are being ripped off, its great!
i cant understand people who just wanna 'go straight in' as it were
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u/Ranger-Himes 9h ago
Its basic biology that most people dont understand. The nerve endings on the penis are outside, when he goes in, he is getting max stimulation. For a woman, most nerve endings are outside, on the clitoris. Penetrative orgasms are extremely rare for woman, something like less than 10%(pulling from memory, might be higher or lower). Add a $5 bullet vibe from amazon, its like an inch and a half, to your clit while he is inside, will be a whole new experience.
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u/WashawayWashbear 9h ago
Baby girl, tell him to google the percentage of women who reach orgasm from p in v sex. If that doesn't convince him, then he's letting porn win over statistics.. which is honestly quite worrisome
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u/stupidugly1889 3h ago
She didn’t say that she doesn’t orgasm. She said it doesn’t feel good for her. Two wildly different things. I’ve had plenty of partner that needed clitoral stim to get off and if they framed it as penetration not feeling good at all I’d be turned off for sure
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u/Choice_Boss_6698 9h ago
I think it’s more of an insecurity for him because he’s my only sexual partner, and he thinks he’s not skilled enough.
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u/noobwithboobs 8h ago
He's giving himself insecurity because he's misinformed about how women enjoy PIV, likely due to porn being his only experience.
He really needs to google it.
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u/Choice_Boss_6698 8h ago
he’s had two girls before me and doesn’t really watch porn, so i’m not sure where this comes from. he’s scared that because i have nothing to compare to im just enduring “bad sex”, even though i have zero complaints. i’ve told him that most women just can’t cum from piv, but he’s convinced there must be a way 😭
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u/noobwithboobs 8h ago
Think about it. He's not listening to you about your own body. He's insisting he knows more than you do about your own body, about what you like.
Not a good look.
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u/Effective-Basis-4581 4h ago
The poor guy is just trying to make sure his girlfriend is enjoying sex as much as him and is determined to achieve it, and your first thought is "oh he just thinks he knows more than you about your own body."
Smh
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u/TheNacMacFeegle 2h ago
So you are saying that he's trying to make her enjoy sex as much as him whether she wants to or not?
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u/Effective-Basis-4581 2h ago edited 2h ago
What on earth are you saying? How in the WORLD did you get that from my comment?
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u/Choice_Boss_6698 8h ago
I guess so. It’s not like him at all, cuz it took him about 4 months to get good at oral, and he took all of my pointers very seriously. During sex all he asks of me is to tell him if I don’t like something, cuz he doesn’t want to hurt me or do positions that “feel like nothing” to me. it seems like he’s coming from a good place, but maybe you’re right and it’s more about him than me.
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u/Effective-Basis-4581 4h ago
Honey. Please do not think that its about him and not you. That other person couldnt be more wrong. The fact that he is so determined to find a way means its 100% not about him. Guys who suck in bed usually just accept it and get their freak on anyways. They dont try to "do better" because they are already getting the satisfaction THEY want. THOSE are the selfish ones, trust me.
A guy has zero issues being satisfied by sex. Its very easy for them. It is NOT as easy for women, so him even making an effort in the first place should tell you A LOT.
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u/Choice_Boss_6698 2h ago
thank you, that’s what I thought too. He brought this up after we had sex and he told me he thinks I didn’t enjoy it a whole lot, which then turned into him revealing why. I found it very sweet and tried my best to explain that I just don’t think it’s physically possible to feel good from penetration, but that being with him is what makes it good. He can’t wrap his head around why i’d have sex with him when it isn’t even good, but when I explain that it’s good to me even without the physical aspect he doesn’t believe me
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u/Effective-Basis-4581 2h ago
Hmmm, from my experiences, maybe he just thinks youre telling him what you want him to hear. Guys are like that with sex related things cause there is so much stigma around a lot of them being bad in bed. Which it seems may be where this stems from in all honesty.
Just sit him down, look him straight in the eyes, and say "I feel like you dont believe me when I say im fine when it comes to our bedroom activities, and I want to reassure you and tell you genuinely that I am, and that I really enjoy being with you."
Then maybe have some educational stuff on hand about how most women dont derive sexual pleasure from penetration the same way a guy does and that you really cant help it. I think he just doesnt want to feel like hes letting you down in any sort of capacity. Once he realizes there is literally nothing else he can do better, i think things will make more sense for him. Try to reassure him of that the best you can and good luck!🙏
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u/Playful_Agency 8h ago
Why don't you want to add clitoral stimulation to your intercourse? Him playing, you playing, a toy playing?
Also, if some positions hurt when he goes too deep he needs to learn either to position himself better, not fully thrust, or invest in those "bumps" that prevent bigger partners from bottoming out.
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u/Choice_Boss_6698 8h ago
It seems like a hassle honestly, and I don’t really care enough to add it. Usually before we’ve had sex he eats me out, so I’ve already came and don’t care to do it again.
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7h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Choice_Boss_6698 7h ago
really? i’ve read a lot online that having piv after an orgasm is better. I’ll try that, thank you
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u/Throw63892 3h ago
Your boyfriend is completely projecting his own male biology onto you. For guys, sex is usually an open-and-shut physical transaction: penetration equals intense pleasure, which equals an orgasm. Because he experiences it that way, he literally cannot wrap his brain around the fact that you can genuinely desire and enjoy sex for the emotional, mental, and full-body closeness without needing penetration to be a physical firework show. His frustration is actually coming from his own insecurity he thinks that if you aren't screaming from penetration, it means he's failing in bed, and his ego can't handle it.You need to sit him down outside of the bedroom and give him a direct biology lesson: tell him that you aren't broken, and he isn't failing; your body is just wired normally. For women, intimacy and emotional connection are the pleasure.
However, since you want to find ways to make the actual physical sensation of penetration to feel better for you can try different things
*You mentioned he hits too deep and hurts you. Pain shuts down pleasure. Switch to positions where you are on top so you control the depth, or buy a bumper ring that slips over his base to stop him from hitting your cervix(which hurts you)
*Stop the traditional in-and-out pounding. Try a slow, heavy grinding or rocking motion instead. Keeping the base of his pelvis pressed tightly against yours creates a deeper internal friction.
*Put a firm pillow under your lower back during missionary, this can help you feel less pain.
But most importantly remind him that your sex life is already great, and he needs to stop treating your pleasure like a math equation where everything has to be perfectly symmetrical. If you are happy, he needs to take yes for an answer and stop letting his ego ruin a good thing. Wish you the best!!!🥰
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u/Chest-Glum 18m ago
This novel stinks of misandry. Maybe the boyfriend actually wants his girlfriend to enjoy sex with him equally as partners with no ulterior motives? “Projecting” my ass. Doesn’t sound like a guy wanting an “open-and-shut physical transaction” to me. It’s not like that comment isn’t sexist or anything. 😑
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u/Throw63892 7m ago
It has nothing to do with misandry, it has to do with basic anatomy. The reality is that the vast majority of women cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration alone because of how nerve endings are distributed. When a partner insists that a woman must experience the exact same physical response to penetration that a man does even when she is explicitly telling him she is already happy and fulfilled, it becomes an issue of projection and misunderstanding, not partnership. It isn't sexist to explain that male and female biologies work differently.
Also I love novels🥹
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u/firefly232 9h ago
he wants penetration to feel as good for me as it does for him. The problem is, I just don’t think that’s possible. It’s not that he’s not endowed, some positions actually hurt cuz it’s too deep for me. Is there any other things to try that could make penetration better for me that isn’t clitoral stimulation?
Bluntly, it's not going to feel the same.
Some women are able to orgasm through internal clitoral stimulation (via the G-spot). But this doesn't happen for all women. And I hate to generalise, but most men don't have the patience or desire to provide the extended foreplay that this requires.
Most orgasms for women involve clitoral stimulation in one form or another. If he's hoping for a magic trick where he can just make you come only from his magical penis and nothing else, then I dont think that's possible.
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u/Empenota 16m ago
I'm going to differ here and say that it sounds like your boyfriend's sexual pleasure is connected to seeing you experience pleasure. It might also be worrisome for him if he perceives that he is hurting you. Both of these are normal and natural. People are equating it with him being selfish or self-centered, when it is more like a sexual preference or a part of his sexuality. And being with a guy who wants to pleasure you is ultimately a good thing.
For me what works is to arouse the area through lots and lots of foreplay. The female anatomy takes longer to become engorged with blood and to become receptive. And this is ultimately what makes sex more enjoyable. Ian Kerner and Emily Nagoski are two sex writers I'd recommend. Familiarize yourself with words to describe your body and ask your boyfriend to familiarize himself with some more techniques that can make you physically more ready for sex. Even if you don't cum during PIV, you can definitely enhance your experience of it with touch and intention. Good luck!
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u/Choice_Boss_6698 3m ago
thank you! it’s really sad to see people call him selfish because that’s the last thing he is. he really cares about my experience and has done so since the beginning of our sex life. i’ll definitely take your advice, we do a fair bit of foreplay and i’m not really sure what more there is to do
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u/richj8991 2h ago
This is super common. There are some creams or rx drugs for this. Talk to your doctor. I'm not a fan of tantric sex but you could try it.
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u/stupidugly1889 3h ago
Does it not feel good at all or does it not bring you to orgasm? If it’s the latter and you are framing it as the former, that’s your problem.
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u/Choice_Boss_6698 2h ago
It doesn’t really feel like anything — being on top sometimes feels good, but not nearly good enough to get me to orgasm. i’ve tried to explain that I enjoy the feeling of being full and the motions, but that penetration on its own just doesn’t feel like anything, and that that’s the case for a lot of women!!
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u/Routine_Match_8143 7h ago
I would also find this pretty difficult if a partner said it to me - mutual pleasure is what I like about sex in general. I like receiving oral but no where near as much as penetrative sex because it's obviously not enjoyable in the same way for my partner.
Only somewhat similar experience I've had was with a partner who didn't want to do PIV at the time wanting to do anal (which shed done before and I hadn't). First time we tried I went soft, which she obviously found upsetting and thought was because I was disgusted. I explained it was not that at all, but I just couldn't imagine how it could be pleasurable for her.
But she did find that physically pleasurable (even if not to the same extent as I might) so it was more a question of thinking about and understanding how, and it being just one part of our sex life
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u/Choice_Boss_6698 7h ago
But how do I explain that even if it doesn’t bring me the same pleasure it brings him, that doesn’t make it any worse? he doesn’t understand why I even want to have sex when it’s not physically pleasurable, and I try to explain that it IS, just not in the same way it is for him
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u/Ksilverstar25 4h ago
Seriously tell him to Google it. You can't make him understand he has to seek out information about women's bodies and healthy expectations. Please listen to what everyone is saying, you need to not make his insecurities your problem. The problem is he wants something that is neither realistic or possible so he needs to educate himself since he's choosing not to listen to you about your own body.
Maybe you're not being direct enough. Tell him "that's not a a possibility, women very rarely can orgasm from PIV and I need you be ok with what I find pleasurable in bed rather than trying to make my body do something that it's not capable of. We need to talk about helping you learn and accept the limits of the the female orgasm rather than trying to change my natural and normal biology and sexual pleasure. I'm ok with orgasming from foreplay then finishing with PIV because that's the arrangements most healthy sexual relationships".
I think you're cutting him way too much slack for how fucking weird his behavior and ask is. He needs to stop living in lala land where he thinks he can make bodies do what he wants them to.
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u/Effective-Basis-4581 4h ago
Him wanting to satisfy his partner as much as possible is weird behavior to you? Jeez.
Hes just being hardheaded, not weird. Also you come off WAY to passive aggressive. Insecurities? la la land?
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u/Ksilverstar25 4h ago
That's the point, she's telling him she is satisfied and it's not a problem. He's making a problem where there is none. And yes it is very weird for someone to not listen to their partner about their own body and satisfaction. Hit a nerve sir? You struggling with listening as well?
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u/Effective-Basis-4581 3h ago edited 3h ago
"He wants us to enjoy sex equally, and i told him thats not possible, but im fine with that."
Curious on what your thoughts are regarding this sentence from the OP and how you would perceive it if you were him.
Clearly he does NOT think she is as satisfied as she can be and is just trying to figure out a way to make it better.
Also im not a sir, but thanks for the assumption that i just HAVE to be a guy based on my response🙄
The entire point is that he DOESNT want her to be fine with it. He wants her to have more enjoyment, on an equal level as him. She straight up told him she isnt able to and he rejects that idea, i dont find that weird at all. I actually think its quite sweet of him to try and do/be better even if shes willing to keep things the same. What on EARTH is so bad about a partner trying to make you feel better during sex?
Obviously the penetration part is unrealistic, and she should find a way to make that more clear. But it sounds like hes coming from a good place and just wants her to enjoy it more. You're just making him out to be some selfish weirdo.
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u/Ksilverstar25 1h ago
Equality doesn't mean she's not satisfied. What he's doing is stubbornly sticking to his narrative instead of listening. He wants sex to be experienced exactly the way he wants it to. She deserves to be listened to and believed that she's satisfied with getting her clitorial orgasms and allowed to enjoy sex her way instead of the way he thinks it's supposed to go.
Dudes like this are why women fake it. If he won't believe her that shes ok with the way things are eventually she's going to fake a PIV orgasm just to shut him up. Ignoring and disbelieving your partner is not sweet, it's weird and controlling. Luckily I have a partner who listens to me and respects my point of view and believes that I'm happy when I say so instead of assuming I couldn't possibly know what I'm feeling. This little boy sounds insecure and exhausting.
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