Boyfriend (19M) bothered that penetration doesn’t feel good for me (19F). How do I convince him I’m okay with that / make penetration better for myself?

[u/Choice_Boss_6698]

As the title says, my bf is very bothered by the fact that penetration doesn’t feel good for me. He says that he wants us to enjoy sex equally, which I’ve told him just isn’t possible. I can’t orgasm from penetration, and I’m okay with that!!! He’s great at oral, and even if I don’t cum I don’t really care. I’ve tried to explain that I enjoy sex for the emotional aspect, as well as the motions and just the activity itself, and that my goal isn’t to just cum. He says that he agrees, and he’s of the same opinion, but that he wants penetration to feel as good for me as it does for him. The problem is, I just don’t think that’s possible. It’s not that he’s not endowed, some positions actually hurt cuz it’s too deep for me. Is there any other things to try that could make penetration better for me that isn’t clitoral stimulation?

EDIT: the biggest issue he has is not understanding why I even want to have sex if it’s not physically pleasurable

[u/Routine_Match_8143]

I would also find this pretty difficult if a partner said it to me - mutual pleasure is what I like about sex in general. I like receiving oral but no where near as much as penetrative sex because it's obviously not enjoyable in the same way for my partner. 

Only somewhat similar experience I've had was with a partner who didn't want to do PIV at the time wanting to do anal (which shed done before and I hadn't). First time we tried I went soft, which she obviously found upsetting and thought was because I was disgusted. I explained it was not that at all, but I just couldn't imagine how it could be pleasurable for her.

 But she did find that physically pleasurable (even if not to the same extent as I might) so it was more a question of thinking about and understanding how, and it being just one part of our sex life

[u/Choice_Boss_6698 → u/Routine_Match_8143]

But how do I explain that even if it doesn’t bring me the same pleasure it brings him, that doesn’t make it any worse? he doesn’t understand why I even want to have sex when it’s not physically pleasurable, and I try to explain that it IS, just not in the same way it is for him

[u/Ksilverstar25 → u/Choice_Boss_6698]

Seriously tell him to Google it. You can't make him understand he has to seek out information about women's bodies and healthy expectations. Please listen to what everyone is saying, you need to not make his insecurities your problem. The problem is he wants something that is neither realistic or possible so he needs to educate himself since he's choosing not to listen to you about your own body.

Maybe you're not being direct enough. Tell him "that's not a a possibility, women very rarely can orgasm from PIV and I need you be ok with what I find pleasurable in bed rather than trying to make my body do something that it's not capable of. We need to talk about helping you learn and accept the limits of the the female orgasm rather than trying to change my natural and normal biology and sexual pleasure. I'm ok with orgasming from foreplay then finishing with PIV because that's the arrangements most healthy sexual relationships".

I think you're cutting him way too much slack for how fucking weird his behavior and ask is. He needs to stop living in lala land where he thinks he can make bodies do what he wants them to.

[u/Effective-Basis-4581 → u/Ksilverstar25]

Him wanting to satisfy his partner as much as possible is weird behavior to you? Jeez.

Hes just being hardheaded, not weird. Also you come off WAY to passive aggressive. Insecurities? la la land?

[u/Ksilverstar25 → u/Effective-Basis-4581]

That's the point, she's telling him she is satisfied and it's not a problem. He's making a problem where there is none. And yes it is very weird for someone to not listen to their partner about their own body and satisfaction. Hit a nerve sir? You struggling with listening as well?

[u/Effective-Basis-4581 → u/Ksilverstar25]

"He wants us to enjoy sex equally, and i told him thats not possible, but im fine with that."

Curious on what your thoughts are regarding this sentence from the OP and how you would perceive it if you were him.

Clearly he does NOT think she is as satisfied as she can be and is just trying to figure out a way to make it better.

Also im not a sir, but thanks for the assumption that i just HAVE to be a guy based on my response🙄

The entire point is that he DOESNT want her to be fine with it. He wants her to have more enjoyment, on an equal level as him. She straight up told him she isnt able to and he rejects that idea, i dont find that weird at all. I actually think its quite sweet of him to try and do/be better even if shes willing to keep things the same. What on EARTH is so bad about a partner trying to make you feel better during sex?

Obviously the penetration part is unrealistic, and she should find a way to make that more clear. But it sounds like hes coming from a good place and just wants her to enjoy it more. You're just making him out to be some selfish weirdo.

[u/Ksilverstar25 → u/Effective-Basis-4581]

Equality doesn't mean she's not satisfied. What he's doing is stubbornly sticking to his narrative instead of listening. He wants sex to be experienced exactly the way he wants it to. She deserves to be listened to and believed that she's satisfied with getting her clitorial orgasms and allowed to enjoy sex her way instead of the way he thinks it's supposed to go.

Dudes like this are why women fake it. If he won't believe her that shes ok with the way things are eventually she's going to fake a PIV orgasm just to shut him up. Ignoring and disbelieving your partner is not sweet, it's weird and controlling. Luckily I have a partner who listens to me and respects my point of view and believes that I'm happy when I say so instead of assuming I couldn't possibly know what I'm feeling. This little boy sounds insecure and exhausting.

[u/Cinammon1955 → u/Effective-Basis-4581]

Definitely agree

[u/Effective-Basis-4581 → u/Cinammon1955]

Thank you😊