r/relationship_advice • u/stilldreamingwitjeff • 1d ago
My (26M) Girlfriend (25F) Called Me Her Ex’s Name During Intercourse and I’m Just Sick.
A little background regarding the details of our relationship. My girlfriend (I’ll call her B) and I met in January of this year. At the time I was going through a really rough breakup, she had broken up with her ex that past October. Our friendship was completely platonic. Didn’t intend on it being more than a friendship. About two months ago I realized how much I enjoyed her company, and came to accept that I had feelings for her. Didn’t intend on saying anything about it, but had a suspicion she felt the same. Turns out I was right and a mutual friend told me later that she had been talking about trying to open up to me about it. We started dating shortly after and honestly it’s been off to a great start. We still get along great, have a sincere appreciation for one another and our sex life is really phenomenal in my opinion. It’s early obviously but I was feeling really good about everything up until now.
The other night, we were getting intimate, I was going down on her and we were about to have sex. As I was getting up from where I was she looked me in my eyes, and then in that kind of pre-coital longing voice she said ‘Oh, (her ex’s name).’ Our names are not remotely similar, we look nothing alike, have completely different personalities, and from what I hear are different in every way one can imagine. Immediate boner killer obviously. She immediately said ‘Oh I’m the worst ever.’ and started crying. I did my best to comfort her, and she did not handle the situation well.
I’ve tried to do everything I can to convince myself it’s no big deal, but the fact of the matter is it is a big deal to me. The thought of him popping into her head in that moment makes me sick. Whether it was a momentary fantasy or an indication she still wants him idk which is worse.
I guess I’m just asking if I’m wrong to be this concerned about it?They haven’t spoken in like 6 months, haven’t been intimate in well over that according to her. Honestly I’ve heard about people doing that but I have never in my life had that experience. Just doesn’t compute for me.
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u/kittykat1412 1d ago
The day after we got engaged my now husband called me by his ex wife's name. Not his finest moment. I was obviously incredibly hurt. However he was mortified and we are still together 20 years later. Slip ups happen. Especially in heightened emotional moments. Only you can decide whether you are happy to continue with your relationship
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u/openeyes808 16h ago
Fair point but did you have to coddle him afterwards and he still make about how he was hurt?
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u/punkrockcockblock 1d ago
Her saying the wrong name doesn't mean she was thinking about her ex.
I have accidentally called my boss dad, who she looks absolutely nothing like, and my best friend my cat's name, who he looks absolutely nothing like.
Sometimes the connection between the brain and mouth gets interrupted and shit happens. In bed during sexy times might be one of the worst times for it to happen, but it does happen and it doesn't necessarily mean anything. Don't overthink it.
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u/Spiritual_Being5845 1d ago
My sister once handed me her infant son while asking me if I could hold Oscar for a minute. Oscar was her cat.
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u/Colourwaves 1d ago
my dad often calls me by his brother's name, sometimes our dog's name, and sometimes both one after the other 💀
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u/My_reddit_throwawy 16h ago
My mother used to go through our names until she got to the right name for who she was addressing. 😂
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u/Itchy-Lengthiness-10 9h ago
My mother does this. She goes through the whole household of names. Both male and female. And often has to circle back 😂😂😂
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u/TKmeh 1d ago
My grandma did that, she would start to call me by my cousins name, stop herself, start saying a different cousins name, stop herself again, then finally call me my name. She did the same for my dad and my cousins. My other grandma does the same thing, but she’ll pause for longer before getting it right after one pause and staring at you.
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u/Throwitaway3436 20h ago
I’ve called my husband Bob, me and my friend still laugh about it, his name isn’t Bob, I’ve called the kids the cats names, or the cats their name, or even merged the kids names into one 😂
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u/FindingUsernamesSuck 18h ago
Parents are terrible for it. When my extended family gets together my parents/aunts and uncles are often gettinf my name on the third try.
It's bad enough that I just respond to my brother's name if I'm around and he's not.
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u/0Rider 1d ago
My dad once called the dogs name instead of mine
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u/NakedAndALaid 1d ago
That happened to me several times a week lol, my mom has language retrieval problems, made growing up super interesting.
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u/dingleberries4sport 1d ago
My grandpa once called me my cousins name for 23 years
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u/bhawks1114 1d ago
Didnt call my boss dad but told a customer “I love you” at the end of a sales call, he said it back, we laughed about it and hung up the phone
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u/nowthisWTF 1d ago
I told a female clien over the phone "ok we'll talk later I love you" like I was casually saying good bye to my wife on the phone. We both laughed. Crap happens, the brain is weird. As you said during intimacy is the absolute worst time ever but crap happens
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u/jk-peralta 1d ago
You called your boss dad? Is that you Jake Peralta?
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u/punkrockcockblock 1d ago
God, I wish it had been Captain Holt.
My actual boss - who is a lady - wasn't thrilled.
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u/maczirarg 18h ago
I read that we store names in our head sorted by category. I often mix up my daughter and my female cat names that I had since she was a kitten, because for my brain they're my girls. Grandparents will often have trouble finding the name of one of their several grandchildren, etc. In this case, they're all stored with the tag "boyfriend"
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u/ace1244 1d ago
My wife called me her accountant’s name during sex. And I was like “your accountant?”
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u/WeenieRoastinTacoGuy 1d ago
Lol so similar to me but I was like “really your ski instructor” they did just get back from a private 2 day lesson so it made sense.
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u/XeroVespasian 1d ago
..and yet no accountability from her after that I bet.
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u/Phoenix_Ninja15 21h ago
Oh no no, she has account-ability with her accountant…alright I’ll see myself out.
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u/certifiedpunchbag 15h ago
This is very funny once you read up the reason why we do this. We tend to mix up the names of people that represents a similar role in your life.
So yeah, you see your female boss as a paternal figure and your cat as a very good friend... Or your best friend a very good pet, idk
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u/Wrong_Debt_7814 1d ago
I called my high school teacher mom once :P she looks nothing like her either.
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u/Mi3zekatz3 1d ago
This is why I never ever moan any name and I told my children the same! It’s good advice haha.
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u/Spankh0us3 1d ago
I have worked with two guys for about 8 years. They look nothing alike yet I confuse their names all the time to the point where I now stop, take a second look and then say their name.
I only get it wrong about 10% of the time now. . .
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u/EarlyAgent1299 1d ago
Seconding this!!! If I spend a lot of time with someone (ie a work colleague or a friend, or yes, an ex!) and am saying their name frequently for a period of time, my brain muscle memory’s it into random scenarios. It’s super annoying for ME because I know how it might sound, but I have NEVER had a slip like this because I actually was thinking about or wished it was someone else I was with.
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u/EffectivePhase7165 19h ago
Your examples and OP's experience and specifically WHEN it happened are completely different. Your boss won't think you feel like SHE is your dad or something... But OP has every right to think if she is still thinking about her ex consciously or subconsciously.
While it may really be an innocent, momentary slip of the tongue, anyone in OP's situation would be effected by it and would definitely overthink it.
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u/leafintheair5794 14h ago
I’ve called my then GF (my wife for many years now) with my ex name once by mistake. She was smart enough to pretend she didn’t hear it.
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u/Alternative-One-748 1d ago
Well…it’s not the same thing I call my husband my dog’s name or my kids name than calling him my ex’s name. That honestly hurts. I’m sorry OP, I’ll be little confused here.
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u/AdsyYT 1d ago edited 1d ago
The advice you’re coming here for isn’t advice, it’s either validation or a lack of it. You ultimately need to decide how you feel about what happened for yourself instead of relying on Reddit to decide for you. My wife has called me her ex’s name before, she was mortified, and it was a clear mistake. These kinds of mistakes happen because we are not perfect and it’s weird how the brain works.
After things are calmed down and you are comfortable conversing (without being demeaning), you should figure out if it was a mistake or if she is still thinking of him. If it was a mistake you should not judge her but you DO need to decide how you will treat your relationship/her going forward. If it’s not something you can get past without treating her differently, you know what to do. Mistakes happen man.
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u/KrispyKingTheProphet 1d ago
OP definitely needs to figure out within himself if he can put this behind them too. I’ve never had this happen, it seems devastating, but I can understand how this could be a mistake. If they talk, it truly was a mistake, and they decide to move past it, he has to completely. You can’t be carrying this in the back of your mind or the front of it. It’ll be on your mind every time you’re intimate, often outside of intimacy, and it’ll ruin the relationship on its own if he can’t get it out of his head.
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u/AdsyYT 1d ago
Also, those who claim they are upset that she had him comfort her are entirely correct. Although she was clearly distressed, she likely felt too embarrassed to concentrate on comforting him. Yes, it was her error, but some women lack the capacity to comfort others when their own actions leave both parties embarrassed or sad.
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u/sirenesdaintykiss 1d ago
the brain really is weird sometimes, but i agree that you need to have an honest conversation about it before deciding what it means for your relationship tbh one awkward mistake doesn’t automatically mean she still wants her ex
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u/GameboyPATH 1d ago
You can feel gross and sick about what happened. It's understandable to feel gross about being called an ex's name.
But I don't know what advice you're looking for.
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u/Chaos-Worship 1d ago
Yeah this is a tough one. It’s a sucky situation but it’s one of those “you either get over it or you don’t” ones.
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u/FaithElephant 5h ago
I did the exact same thing. The ex was not remotely in my mind. Not at all. (But for years it had been the ex I was with in that situation and the words were on auto-pilot. Basically a brain fart.) Sucked. But we moved on.
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u/TimbOU-Sooner 1d ago
Sometimes it’s JUST a familiarity issue. You get used to saying one name for a while, then you split and it slips out.
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u/TreyRyan3 1d ago
I knew a guy who unintentionally dated 6 Jennifers over the course of 8 years. He wisely just kept his mouth shut and told his family and friends not to mention is ex had the same name.
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u/asyrian88 19h ago
I mean when you’re of a certain age, Jennifer is like, the most common name. 6 seems like a lot though.
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u/the_tired_alligator 7h ago
Lmao ain’t no way.
Two is a coincidence.
But 6?
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u/TreyRyan3 6h ago
Names are very cyclical in popularity. Jennifer was the most popular girl name in the US from 1970-1984. In 1974, 4% of girl babies in the US received the name “Jennifer” according to Social Security records.
In the 90’s, you could tell what Soap Opera a mom watched by their kid’s names. There were a lot of “Hope’s and Kayla’s” born between 82 and 86 because of “Days of Our Lives”
While it was odd, he didn’t intentionally seek out girls named Jennifer. He would just nod his head when he heard their name
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u/TheNacMacFeegle 4h ago
Same for dudes. There are a lot of Aidens around 15 to 20 years old right now because of Sex in the City.
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u/TheNacMacFeegle 4h ago
I have a buddy that dated 3 air traffic controllers over a 2 year period. Well, he dated 2 and cheated on the 2nd with the 3rd but that's neither here nor at cruising altitude. They were all Brazilians but they didn't know each other.
I thought it was the weirdest of fetishes, but hey, who am I to judge?! He did kick the habit, though, when the second found out that she had been cheated on and sent him the flight location of the plane he was on when he was flying from Brazil to Guyana for work.
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u/Cleo0424 20h ago
Why did you comfort her and not the other way around? You need to tell her how you felt. Its not a deal breaker, mistakes happen but you need to communicate.
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u/cherrycoke260 15h ago
Honestly, I was in a very long term relationship and mixed up names more than once when I first started dating. I had absolutely zero interest in my ex in any way by that point. But, I still had to be hyper aware of my words for a while. Has your girlfriend done anything else that indicates she may still have feelings for her ex, or even still seeing him? Because if not, it was very likely just a slip of the tongue. Do you have to give your gf grace? No. Should you if there are no other red flags? Yes.
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u/MothraMommy420 1d ago
I think I found the girl dinner diaries side of this… she was so regretful and didn’t even want you thinking that he was on her mind or that she even wants him back, it was a whole long ass post but It’s kinda weird finding the other half to this story too
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u/migmultisync 1d ago
Dawg you’re gonna say you found the other half of the post and not link it? 😔
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u/kr4ckers 21h ago
I found the post again but it's been deleted by mods and the account/messages say deleted too.
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u/AntiqueJoke3813 1d ago
I was about to say this. Swear I recently saw the other side of this. Sometimes I think no way everyone runs to Reddit to tell their life problems. Could be made up but you never know.
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u/dexteriousdogfish 7h ago
I did the same thing to my gf early in the relationship. She’s now my fiancé. Happens. esp if the previous relationship was long term. Just pay attention and make sure she’s over her ex. If she is, then this was just an old habit
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u/fc-vk 1d ago
i swear (if this is legit) your gf posted her pov on r/offmychest
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u/ForsakenResponse7406 9h ago
I was just sitting here thinking that I had seen her POV of this story yesterday on a subreddit! I think she used a throw away because her bf was on Reddit.
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u/PresToon 1d ago
No one seems to be mentioning the more important part here.First off, recent breakups, a name mix-up can happen.
What was important here I think were multiple things. Number one, YOU shouldn't be needing to comfort her. SHE should be reassuring you. She should be telling you it was an accident, that she wasn't thinking of him etc. The fact she just goes with "I'm the worst ever" instead of saying it's an honest mistake is the weird thing.
You can't change what happened, but what you are missing a reassurances that need to be talked about. If you called her your ex's name, what would she expect from you? Would she need to comfort you for your mistake? Would you need to explain and reassure her that it was an accident and that she is who you want to be with?
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u/Snoo_54447 13h ago edited 13h ago
Do with this information what you will but I once called my gf by my ex’s name when talking to my gf’s mom when we started dating. I felt immediately embarrassed because I despise my ex (she was abusive), but my brain genuinely misfired because of context and association. So it could just have been an honest mistake. However, my gf’s sister has a very similar name to my ex and was mentioned in that conversation so I do believe that contributed to the slip-up. For context, let’s say my ex’s name is “Julie”, my gf’s sister’s name is “Julianne” but nicknamed “Julie” and my gf’s name is “Sarah”. I was talking to my gf’s mom and said Julie instead of Sarah.
Things to consider
- My slip-up wasn’t during sex, your gf’s was
- There was another “Julie” mentioned in my conversation minutes prior in whereas your gf’s ex doesn’t seem to have been part of a recent discussion before her slip-up
- I didn’t cause a scene, I swiftly apologized, corrected myself and continued on with the conversation whereas your gf cried over it and made YOU comfort HER
- I also said it to my gf’s mom, not my girlfriend herself, I’m pretty sure her mom doesn’t even remember this happening.
Based on this post alone, I don’t think your girlfriend is the absolute devil, but I do think this situation warrants an honest conversation about how her mistake and her reaction to it made you feel. If she gets defensive about it, that’s a red flag.
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u/Snoo_54447 13h ago
I also want to add that if this IS a dealbreaker for you, that is OKAY. I think a lot of the commenters saying that it’s unacceptable or others saying that this is completely harmless may be imposing their own boundaries and assumptions onto you and your girlfriend. We’re basing our judgment off of a reddit summary, but you’re the only one who actually witnessed it and who knows how you feel about it. Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, then it likely is wrong. Whether this is an honest mistake that you can move on from or a sign of something deeper that you cannot forgive can vary a LOT in this kind of scenario.
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u/Flashy-Ad-2367 8h ago
This!
There is no reason for her to say ex's name whatsoever. Different person. Different situation.
The fact it doesnt compute says a lot, esp with how he ended up comforting her instead.
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u/gabriox 1d ago
Am I the only one thinking why she made it about herself? Like she said her ex's name, realized it, said im the worst ever and started crying while OP had to comfort her over what she caused... like what?
Also, if roles were reversed the situation would be incomparably different...
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u/Training_Guitar_8881 1d ago
Yes I thought about that too. How it was more about her crying and so on. She should've been more remorseful and comforting to him.
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u/Key_Education_7350 1d ago
Some of us don't handle it well when we make mistakes, especially when the mistake is one that's hurt someone we care about.
I used to be an anxious giggler when someone was angry with me. My mother was the same. I had to learn to break that reaction because life in the military gets way too interesting when your first reaction to getting yelled at is to start giggling.
"I'm the worst" could be that, or it could be a red flag. OP is going to have to work out which it is, if he wants to keep going with the relationship.
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u/favoritehello 1d ago
I also tend to cry when I make a mistake, big deal or not, because I was conditioned to do this throughout my childhood. Mistakes are bad. I'm bad. I was berated for mistakes and was made to feel really badly and I often cried from the stress and drama around things. We're talking simple things, like being screamed at for crumbs in the sink from a mother with OCD, or folding a towel the wrong way.
I cry easily when I have an intense reaction (positive or negative) as a way to decompress and self-regulate.
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u/Key_Education_7350 1d ago
I'm sorry you had a childhood like that. That stuff hangs around, doesn't it?
I'm unwinding stuff that cost me a 26-year marriage that I thought was forever, and a lot of it goes waaaay back. On the upside, that shit might have been my past but I'm pretty sure I can stop it being my future.
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u/favoritehello 11h ago
Definitely. I have been doing a ton of self-correcting for the past decade, and more recently I started EMDR therapy. I have found it really helpful. It's helped with some grief and loss, and how I was handling the processing of some traumatic moments, which was impacting my mood and anger (triggering my fight or flight).
I think my spouse would have given up on me a long time ago if I wasn't so persistent on self-improvement. I also have a lot of self-awareness. I appreciate his patience and understanding but I am doing a lot of work to make myself pleasant to be around because having grown up with someone who wasn't really rubs off on you. Lots of baggage but slowly I have managed to declutter it over time.
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u/Ok_Chest_7576 16h ago
Could've been just habit, her being caught up in the moment not thinking about it, and having her guard down just enjoying the moment with you.
Have to try to decipher if she was actually genuine in her response after.
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u/Phylaras 14h ago
Agreed.
I don't think that OP trying to comfort her after was the right move. She might feel bad, but he's the one harmed. She should be doing the comforting.
What happened reverses what needs to be addressed, which is why OP is still dealing with it.
Not healthy.
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u/imsadandthatsrad 1d ago
During sex is pretty brutal. Most are saying this is normal and happens, but her reaction of “not handling it well” crying, and having to comfort her seems a bit.. much. I’ve never done this but I think I would be comforting YOU in this situation, not the other way around. Just being like “I am so sorry, I have no clue why I said that, I really wasn’t even thinking about him, I’m sorry.”
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u/mwb1957 14h ago
Instead of writing to Reddit about this, talk to your GF.
Tell her exactly how you felt when it happened.
Tell her how you feel now.
Ask her if she still has feelings for her Ex?
Ask her how she sees the relationship proceeding from this point?
Listen to her responses.
Let her know, since you have not been a relationship for that long, it will be easier now to end the relationship to minimize emotions.
If you continue as a couple, both of you need to develop a communication strategy.
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u/Ok-Joke-915 13h ago
Totally agree, these mind fuck moments hit you both hard. Talking it out can totally squash the issue with reassurance and understanding. Talking from experience from a super sexually complicated relationship. It's the only way in my opinion. Beauty is that it can really bring you close. Take it slow good luck
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u/its_the_tribe 10h ago edited 3h ago
My wife did that maybe a few months into our relationship. She hated her Ex. It was just an accidental slip and we got over it and it never happened again. Don't take it too hard as long as it doesn't happen again.
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u/Funkativity 16h ago
She immediately said ‘Oh I’m the worst ever.’ and started crying. I did my best to comfort her, and she did not handle the situation well.
to me, this is actually the bigger red flag.
best case scenario, her saying the ex's name was an accidental and meaningless brain fart.
but in a situation where she (accidental or not) fucks up and does something that's hurtful to you.. she's the one that has the big emotional reaction that forces you to treat her as the injured party and comfort her.
This is how every argument or fight will be with her. no matter who's actually at fault, she will make herself the victim.
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u/Kirutaru 15h ago
Totally agree that this is the biggest problem in this story if we give her the benefit of the doubt that it was a simple mistake. Mistakes happen. Dramatic emotional outburst that makes you the victim of your own crime and invalidates the feelings of your partner? That's manipulative at best and narcissistic at worst.
"I can't acknowledge I hurt you, because I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself and need you to coddle me and tell me what a good person I am."
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u/Background_Quiet_880 7h ago
Bro or she realized how badly she fucked up??? This isn’t automatically a red flag. Same way her saying his name was an automatic unintentional thing so was her reaction to start crying. It would be a red flag if she didn’t react so emotionally because it would indicate she doesn’t care that she just offended him so seriously. I would have a panic attack and start crying myself too if I accidentally said someone else’s name because we all know how bad that is.
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u/valderramaD 21h ago
Why wasn’t she the one comforting you? You’re the one who got hurt, yet you’re left dealing with the emotional fallout from her
Now it’s up to the two of you to figure out whether this relationship can be repaired. But for that to happen, she needs to communicate openly and honestly. Was she thinking about him when she said his name, or was it genuinely an innocent slip of the tongue? These things can happen, but you deserve an honest explanation, not excuses.
She also needs to understand that, she may have seriously damaged something good between you.
If she genuinely wants to save this relationship, she needs to acknowledge how deeply she's hurt you and be willing to put in the work to rebuild that trust. But she also needs to understand that, even if you both try your best, it might not be possible to fix what's been broken.
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u/wickedmfreak 4h ago
Ive been conditioned to say "I love you" before saying bye when ending a phone call and ive definitely done so to random people ive had to be in the phone with. Brains are just weird and they form strong associations.
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u/Gold_Hearing85 3h ago
They did a study years ago that showed that information about people we care about/are close to are stored in a similar area and thats why they get common mixed up. Like when a parent calls the children by the same name accidentally or a partner by ex name, its been shown to be more like a brain fart.
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u/Mythsteryx Early 20s Female 1d ago edited 1d ago
Not saying this is the case for everyone, but it really could’ve been a genuine accident.
I absolutely LOVE my partner so much, but I once said my ex’s name (who was abusive in every way possible) just out of habit. I was absolutely mortified, I felt terrible about it. I wasn’t even thinking of him either, it was genuinely out of habit.
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u/AKlife420 1d ago
My husband and I have both done this. However, it wasn't during sex.....
I got nothing.
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u/Business_Mastodon_97 1d ago
I made sure this would never happen with my wife's name and my ex's name. They both have the same name. The ultimate cheat!
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u/Lukeeeee 1d ago
these comments are nightmare fuel. reddit is dying big time.
yes it is a big deal and you shouldn't have had to comfort her afterwards.
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u/JeaniousSpelur 1d ago
It’s probably a gender difference thing. I’ve seen posts where you reverse the roles and it’s a lot harsher of a response towards the guy.
In this case, I don’t know if it makes it better or worse that they have been dating so briefly and are already having this event - probably worse prognosis wise? Although I guess hearing an exes name 5 years into a relationship would be pretty wild as opposed to 2 months.
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u/Lukeeeee 1d ago
yaaaa probably.
just my opinion but I'd say it makes it better because they havnt been dating that long. if this occurred 2 years into the relationship, I feel it would be a tad more wtf.
this does make it seem like the GF shouldn't have moved on so quickly though, big time.
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u/0x474f44 23h ago
Is no one going to point out that OP had to comfort his gf even though it should’ve been the other way around?
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u/Dazzling_Whore 13h ago
The funny thing is, I've seen both your posts. Get off Reddit and talk to each other. Both of you love and care for each other and both of you want to fight for this relationship. Stop talking to strangers on the internet and talk to each other PLEASE.
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u/certifiedpunchbag 15h ago
Dude, I think I've called all my coworkers by my wife's name at least once.
Some habits are triggered not by the person but by the circunstance.
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u/AlexH_144 1d ago
It's amazing how bias Reddit is. Flip the sexes and the guy is probably leaving in a body bag. The consensus here on Reddit would be to dump his ass.
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u/ilikechzplz 1d ago
- It’s “biased”
- I searched this sub for “called ex’s name” and found this multiple threads where men called their girlfriend their ex’s name and all the top comments are saying it’s normal and not a big deal. No one saying that the woman should leave. Your need to be persecuted is so weird and has nothing to do with the current situation.
Here’s one example, I don’t feel like copying more but feel free to search for yourself and try to find an example where the consensus is to dump a man in the same situation.
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u/Electronic-Chef-5487 23h ago
LMAO, I love that you brought receipts. The whole "but if you reverse the genders" thing is annoying, especially because people never bring it up on posts when someone's being super harsh on a guy, it's always when the consensus is not harsh "enough" on a woman. I'd rather we had more compassion for everyone...
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u/wolpak 1d ago
What I find interesting are the people who are saying they call other authority figures mom or dad. Yeah, that makes sense that’s the role the authority figure is temporarily in. You don’t hear them say that they called their mom Mrs. Peterson.
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u/talabear98 1d ago
I called my mom by my teacher's name in 3rd grade, but usually people don't think about that because parents are usually a more comforting presence, so the embarrassment doesn't stick as long...it does happen
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u/Mueryk 1d ago
Add on that she is the one who fucked up and then played the “I am bad” and had to be fucking comforted. Screw that noise, he deserves to be reassured not her ass. She is the one who screwed up. That is some manipulative BS right there.
Wonder if she pulls that kind of crap for other stuff where she is in the wrong
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u/Wandererofhell 1d ago
she definitely gaslighted u into comforting her and thats a huge red flag
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u/HellyOHaint 1d ago
Yeah that’s the real problem here, for real. It’s very important in a relationship that your partner owns up to their mistakes and works to repair any damage they caused.
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u/jetblakc 13h ago
"Whether it was a momentary fantasy or an indication she still wants him idk which is worse."
why are you throwing away the possibility that it was simple mistake and out of habit? Her reaction doesn't line up with your other explanations at all.
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u/Txrxmx 14h ago
I have to think twice before saying names because of getting “name brain wrong”. Then a friend of mine is frequently saying the wrong name and unwittingly saying the names that should never be mentioned. I’ve told him to just stop saying peoples names but he can’t seem to stop. I’m going to say she had “name brain wrong”.
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u/scotchnstout 23h ago
The fact that you were comforting her instead of the other way round tells me a lot about your dynamic, this ain't the time to act spineless
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u/dizzy24h 6h ago
It might’ve just been instinctual since she’s used to saying the name during arousal and genuinely might’ve not even been thinking about him, it just came out. Sometimes I say random shit when I’m experiencing an emotion or memory that I didn’t think about and don’t even make sense in context or to people around me, and as the words are coming out I have to find some sort of explanation for what I was “trying to say” 😵💫😵💫😵💫
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u/OaknCherry 1d ago
Read an identical post but the roles were swapped and every comment was calling the guy gross, kinda funny.
Anyways, accident or not it’s really just a matter of is this something you can move on from. We can’t tell you that, so best of luck and I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/Dangerous-Ball-6942 1d ago
Oof that's a gut punch. Name slip during sex is rough enough, but during that specific moment when she's looking right at you? Hard to just brush that off like it's nothing.
I wouldn't say you're wrong to be sick about it, feels like anyone would be. The timing is what gets me more than the slip itself, like her brain was somewhere else entirely in the quiet lead-up
That said, the way she reacted instantly (crying, calling herself the worst) makes me think it wasn't some secret fantasy thing. Sometimes the brain just misfires, especially when you're transitioning from one serious relationship to a new one so close together. Not making excuses for her but your timelines are pretty tight, both of you weren't solo for long before jumping in
Up to you if you can get past it. No wrong answer really, just whatever you can live with
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u/daddydise 1d ago
Why the f is she crying? She did you wrong! She should be apologetic, but crying? And then you have to put your feelings aside and comfort her instead? 😖
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u/StarGlowPhoenix 21h ago
I did this in the beginning of my relationship with my husband. The other person wasn't even on my mind and Idk why it happened. My now husband surpassed him in every way possible. I know it's bothersome but try not to take this isolated incident to heart.
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u/Mandalorian_2019 19h ago
Yup, I almost did this with my current wife…mentioning my ex-wife’s name. Sometimes 20 year old habits are tough to break when a name comes out automatically in certain familiar situations.
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u/Aggravating_Ad6847 12h ago
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u/Aggravating_Ad6847 12h ago
Here’s the link to what she posted if it’s her. I’m sure you can read through the comments to get the whole story
She said at the beginning she wasn’t over him, now he’s harassing her. Was during her bf going down on her
Keep in mind people change details to keep anonymous. But maybe read through the thread to see if it’s you.
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u/BoredBKK 1d ago
" They haven’t spoken in like 6 months, haven’t been intimate in well over that according to her."
Yes according to her and also according to her ‘Oh I’m the worst ever.’ Kind of stands out that she broke up with him in October last year, met you in January and we're now in October yet she last spoke to him 6 months ago. Prior to this incident you knew about this ongoing contact right?
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u/BungleBums 1d ago
Honestly, give her a bit of space and a chance to explain and apologize properly, including for making you comfort her in the moment instead of comforting and apologizing to you,
And be ready and prepared to make a full and clean break if you aren't entirely and 100% satisfied by it. That's not really something you just blurt out in that exact situation for no reason.
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u/AromaticHomework1576 22h ago
Also don’t let people here who are saying ‘this happened to me and I’ve been with my partner for so and so many years’ deceive you into thinking it’s okay. The length of a relationship isn’t a reflection of the quality. For all we know it could be 2 idiots dating each other and their relationship is something you’d never want for yourself.
Look at the facts. She moaned the name, she cried and she got consoled. What did you get? You got to:
Hear another man’s name
Probably compare and doubt yourself now and have started overthinking many situations
Had to console the perpetrator
Go on Reddit and receive terrible advice
She’s 25 too she isn’t a child. It’s embarrassing tbh
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u/Gandoff2169 1d ago
She made a mistake yes. But why are you the one comforting her for what she did? She was the one who spoke he wrong name. You are her BF now. She should have been trying to comfort you and not break down where you had to comfort her. Or at least both you and she comfort each other.
The degree she acted makes me wonder why? I have said the wrong names many times. People and pets. Never during a intimate moment. But it can happen. Yet as I said, why was his name the one that popped in her mind in that moment? IDK cheating. But maybe she is talking to him that you do not know about? I just don't know, or understand myself. But as someone who said the wrong name of people and pets, I know it is a real act. But just never done it during sex.
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u/settopvoxxit 22h ago
One additional note, bare in mind the advice youre receiving here is from redditors, and people are single at an alarming rate these days. Anyone posturing or telling you "no man should ___" should be taken with a grain of salt. It's entirely human to be hurt by this.
If it were me, I'd explain that it hurt quite a bit and that it's leaving me feel like there's some feeling still there, and ask her to explain. Let her tell you how she feels. At the end of the day your options are to trust her or don't. You could also add on that it hurt that you had to comfort her when you were the one wronged, but I think that's secondary and could be an acute reaction. If it is a persistent thing I'd bring it up either additionally or the next time it happens.
Tldr; if you guys get along and otherwise relationship is good, it's honestly smart to try to communicate about your feelings here and see if she shows up for you and reassures you. If she doesn't, you kinda have an answer - maybe not about her feelings but you do have an answer on how she will treat you/what kind of relationship this will be
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u/tramplemestilsken 2h ago
I call my kids by the wrong name all the time. They are just in the same brain region. Let it go man.
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u/SnooDogs6068 20h ago
Get rid.
There is a whole load of nonsense comparing social interactions with intimacy and its so incredibly disingenuous.
The fact is, worst case she was thinking of her ex, best case your intimacy skills are so bad she was going through habitual motions and said his name.
Either way, this is an unrecoverable position.
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u/Workondarun 20h ago
I'd hate to have as miserable of a love life as you seem to.
Does this suck, yes, does it mean either of the things you mentioned, no.
Give people some grace for god's sake. "The fact is" no bro, the fact is no one on reddit knows the actual reason why this happened.
OP, communicate how this made you feel, and make sure you're not setting a precedent that this girl gets to cry away any mistake she makes. Give her a chance to explain and take accountability, then move on the best you can depending on how well she does.
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u/PoisonTheOgres 20h ago
Lol you must have never called your teacher "mom" accidentally. Or had your mom call you by your sibling's name (or the dog's).
It's super awkward this happened in bed, but damn, sometimes it is just not that deep.
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u/polarjunkie 1d ago
she immediately said... Started crying ...I did my best to comfort her
This is pure manipulation bro.
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u/InstanceSome5806 1d ago
All the people here blow my mind. The fact is she was thinking of her ex with an intimate moment with you. That's concerning where her heart is and that also questions what she fantasizes when having intimacy with you.
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u/w1gglebutt89 1d ago
This has happened to me, I've said my dogs name and I CERTAINLY was not thinking about that, it's just a name I say a lot. She's with you which means she's not trying to get back with him. She's not thinking about him. It's literally just habit and our brains are such a failure sometimes - always with spectacular timing. I bet she feels terrible, talk to her instead of reddit.
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u/masteraybe 22h ago
People who cry before you can even get mad are so annoying. Your feelings are valid, and you should express them without trying to protect hers.
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u/inkypinkyblinkyclyde 1d ago
This happened to be with a girl I met in college. She had just broken up with her high school boyfriend and we had been dating a few weeks.
We were making out pretty hard and she called me by his name. She apologized profusely, and we dialed it back for the rest of the night.
I didn't let it get to me and it never happened again.
Married her 33 years ago and we are still together.
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u/Icy-Translator9353 1d ago
I was married a long time, and then divorced. A few months later I started dating again, and did the same thing with my date. I was so embarrassed, told him I was sorry, and he said, “old habits are sometimes hard to break”. She didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It will be ok.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Gold580 17h ago
Your gf messes up, you have to comfort HER and she doesn't even take That well? That's way to much for me.
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u/literally_tho_tbh 14h ago
Honestly if my GF messed up like that and she was crying and felt bad, I would comfort her. Even if I was hurt, too.
I would definitely say my piece later, to resolve my own hurt, no doubt.
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u/Tricky-Treacle-3755 23h ago
I think yesterday or the day before, a woman made a post saying she called her current boyfriend by her ex's name while giving him oral sex. Could that have been your girlfriend?
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u/MoistStub 22h ago
Like she paused the oral for a moment to say the name, or was she some type of fallacio ventriloquist?
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u/Cautious_Regular3645 19h ago
It doesn't mean anything really, it's a slip of the tongue, the same as when I call my cats one of my other cats names.
Or when my mum calls me all of the kids names and then mine.
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u/grapecan 16h ago
my fiancé called me his ex’s name twice when we first started dating. not during sex, but still. they were together 5 years. I was upset but it was habitual and i’m glad I listened when he was so apologetic about it
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u/nakedfunnsun 4h ago
Get over yourself. What with all the emotion over something so innocent.
Even if she was thinking about home during you performing oral it’s no big deal. You think about past experiences when you masturbate so why can’t she.
SHE IS WITH YOU NOW — but not for long if you make a big deal about that.
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u/Sis_Is_Ginger 3h ago
So I have OCD and I forced myself to associate sex with my exes name because I was SO worried I'd call him someone else's that now with my new partner I have to make myself so hyper aware. It isn't that I am actively thinking of my ex at all, much less in a yearning way. It's just a connection I forced my brain to make, regrettably. Never have I lusted for someone else during sex with my partner. I could see this situation happening to me and I'd be so hard pressed to convince my partner it was nothing. I know if he did it, I'd over think it, too. It's just a shit reality. I hope you guys can move past it.
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u/TonyThePriest 1d ago
Probably just a mistake. I've always been terrified of doing that, cause I often say the wrong names in life. It could just be a familiarity thing, you get used to saying a name.
If this doesn't become a pattern then I wouldn't worry about it too much.
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u/LengthDesperate279 1d ago
I was married for 27 years before my wife passed away. A few times I have called my girlfriend of a year my wife’s name. That Doesn’t mean i am thinking of my former wife. It’s just a subconscious habit that is hard to break. I wouldn’t read too hard into that one. Cut her some slack. She felt bad about it.
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u/Novias-br 20h ago
I guess I’ll be the devils advocate here, I think that’s break up worthy.
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u/Electronic-Ad-7788 1d ago
Yeah man she misses him ramming that big meaty cock he had in her. Filling up her guts and stretching that mother fucker out
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u/Far_Eagle_8541 1d ago
Don’t listen to what anyone has to say, leave her. You will regret staying sooner or later.
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u/OddEntrepreneur8781 1d ago
Bruv this is something you either try to get over or just bin the relationship.
No in-between.
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u/RayTheGraveDigger 1d ago
This kind of stuff is not just an accident. For whatever reason, he’s in her thoughts. Do with that whatever you want, but this isn’t gonna end well.
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u/Ok_Pineapple_5842 1d ago
I once was married to a Mike, then got a boyfriend named Matt, after him, had a boyfriend named Mark. My lips were sealed as far as yelling out names goes.
But I’ve also called people exes names that were nothing alike (Toby/Brian, Megan/Kelly), and it wasn’t because I was thinking of them at all— some weird connection goes off in your head and you say the wrong name, like it’s familiar, like Déjà vu or something, out of nowhere. It runs in my family, too— lots of those people who say everybody in the family’s wrong name before they settle on the right name.
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u/Several-Network-3776 14h ago
I'm wondering how long she was with the ex and how recently you two been intimate. You really can't fault her on forgetting someone she been with for a long time. Almost like muscle memory. It's still sucks though. I would have scolded her like a teacher and made something of it, like role play. Stern teacher bad student. Let her make up her mistake. Repeatedly 😉
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u/Savings_Yam_2647 2h ago
Come on man. It’s amazing the shit that bothers people on here. She felt bad, get over it.
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u/Educational-Text7550 1d ago
You were the one that needed comforting lol wtf girls will do that shit to cover up some shit they did and make you feel sorry for them
Doesn’t even try to explain or lie just goes “oh I’m the worst” because she got caught.
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u/AdWhole4393 1d ago
The comments are so dumb. It probably wasn't just an honest mistake. I would be more cautious if I were you. I don't trust her because why did you have to comfort her? I really believe she was thinking of him especially because of the way she was passionately saying it.
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u/Inside_Path6022 1d ago
Nah bro I would not be cool with that either, and no self respecting man would be. If she can't be self aware enough to say the right name during the most intimate time, why would she be respecting of you in any other circumstance? That just shows how self centered she is. Looking out for the younger guys here, usually it starts with little slip ups, or mentions of something that catch you off guard, or might sound odd, but you just let it go. Then down the road something more drastic happens and then all those little things start adding up or making sense. She might even say "I told you this already you just weren't listening" when in reality you were avoiding a fight or coming off as overly jealous. People talk about what they're interested in and what they want, all you have to do is listen.
The general advice is never for the men though it seems. Because when this kind of stuff is not only tolerated but even encouraged by other women, it does take your value away as a women. No real man with life experience is going to be okay hearing his partner say another mans name in bed. No man wants that type of woman. And as you've now experienced, you'll never look at her again with the same value as you did before. You'll never know exactly what she was thinking at the time, and once that trust has eroded, it never does fully return. And if you bottle it up inside it will always be something nagging on your relationship until it explodes in an argument. You're young bro, love stings, this might be the first but probably won't be your last. Take it as a learning experience and find someone who thinks about YOU during sex. Us men deserve respect and a level of thoughtfulness too, it goes both ways in a relationship.
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u/Panicking_Leo 23h ago
One time my mom was trying to call my name and she said my eldest brother, then my middle brother, then multiple cousins before she just sighed and told me what she wanted me to do. I remember after a certain point just waiting to see how long until she got it right and then being so disappointed she gave up.
BTW I'm the only girl 😭
Sometimes it just happens. Have a discussion with your girlfriend but I wouldn't assign too much meaning to it. Especially considering her reaction afterwards.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 1d ago
Habits are a learned behavior over time. They take a long time to create, and a long time to break.
It probably doesn't mean as much as you think, but I see how it sucks.
This is something you can work through.
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u/zoeybeattheraccoon 19h ago
It's possible to probable that she wasn't even thinking about her ex. Just a brain misfire. Happens all the time.
Give it a couple of weeks and see how you feel then.
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u/Fantastic_Vehicle_86 1d ago
You know how parents call kids by their sibling’s name, or spouses get called by the dog’s name? It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a reflex and a mistake.
I get that it’s hurtful for you and I’m sure she feels horrible about it, but it probably wasn’t about him at all. Hopefully you both can consciously convince yourselves that it was a simple mistake and you can ultimately move on from it.
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u/ANBU_Black_0ps 1d ago
They haven’t spoken in like 6 months
Given the timing and context of what you were doing when she called out his name, you honestly believe that?
Bruh
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