Halloween's coming, so the annual argument about what to do with the bucket is about to start. Turns out this has been studied properly, and the findings go against what most of us instinctively do.The core finding, from Fisher and Birch in 1999: take a snack preschoolers like, restrict access to it, and they select more of it and eat more of it when they finally get the chance. It's been replicated since.A follow-up found seven year old girls who were restricted at home ate more snack food after a full lunch so not hunger and reported feeling bad about their own eating. The longitudinal version found restriction at age 5 predicted eating when not hungry at 7 to 9.

The detail that got me: a later replication found the worst version is keeping the food visible but off limits. Which is precisely the Halloween bucket on top of the fridge for three weeks.

What the researchers suggest instead is structure rather than prohibition predictable times when sweets are available, so there's nothing to ration against. Not a free-for-all, just not a running negotiation. Big caveat, and one of the researchers says this herself: the evidence is much clearer on what doesn't work than on what does.

So what's your actual system? Eat what you want on the night then it goes away, a couple a day, or just let them get on with it?

Sources

• Fisher & Birch, restricting access to palatable foods (American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 1999): https://academic.oup.com/ajcn/article/69/6/1264/4714994
• Birch & Fisher, restrictive feeding and eating in the absence of hunger: https://ajcn.nutrition.org/article/S0002-9165(22)03287-7/fulltext03287-7/fulltext)
• Overview of the restriction research including the Rollins replication: https://maryannjacobsen.com/got-a-food-obsessed-kid-research-warns-dont-restrict-them/

Every ad for these wall calendars promises calm mornings, but we've got three kids (6, 8 and 10) and mornings are usually pretty loud around here haha. I'm curious if having something on the wall helps kids keep track of what they're supposed to be doing, especially when everyone's at a different stage of getting ready. Do they start checking it themselves after a while, or are you still reminding them to look at it every morning? Trying to figure out if it'd make a difference for us.

Someone convince me I deserve a day off, just dropped off both my kids to school this morning first day with both of them back after a horrifyingly long school holidays. The usual story I felt like I was a 24/7 referee disguised as a short order cook for my family. I decided not to go into work today and just take the day off for my mental health physically I’m burnt out too think I’m coming down with the flu.

Anyway I’m sitting in bed watching tv in peace with a packet of pringles and a can of coke and I’m crashing out because my house looks like a bomb has hit it and these pringles are giving me the ick but I literally used all my energy just to organise everything to get them to school it’s 9:30am here in Australia and I’m thinking about just going to sleep I’d rather crack open a beer but I got school pick up in less than 5 hours tell me im not the only one what do parents do when they are exhausted and burnt out constantly??!! 🥴🤔😂☠️🙏

Wondering if anyone has any nuggets of wisdom or support for my situation.

I am a mom to a 6-year-old boy. I have one sister, so I come from a girl-only household. If you had asked me before I had my son if boys were that different from girls, I think I might have told you, “Not by much.” Then I had a boy, and wooo boy, did I realize that most boys really do seem to be wired differently than girls. They’re more aggressive. They’re more physical. They seem to struggle more with emotions, expressing them and talking about them. At some point they seem to love trucks and cars naturally?! They turn everything into a weapon and love to talk about war!  Sure, I know NOT ALL boys are like this, but I’d wager most of us with boys see marked differences between how our sons move through the world compared to their girl siblings, peers, and friends.

The problem I’m starting to realize in my family is that the baseline for child behavior in my immediate family is girl behavior. Ever since my son started to talk and move, I’ve had this feeling that my mom has felt like something was wrong with him. I have felt like I’ve had to fight for her to see him as a “normal” and “age-appropriate” kid because what’s normal in our family is girl behavior. In some ways, I don’t blame her. All she knew was my sister and me, and I think we were particularly mild-mannered kids growing up (or she’s forgotten the hard times; hindsight can do that!). That said, she really seems to be thrown by my son’s age-appropriate phases. Biting when he was younger. Hitting and name-calling when he gets frustrated or mad (less of that now, thank goodness).

My partner and I are active and involved parents and always looking to best support our son. We remain grounded in the idea that when he acts out, he’s not a bad kid, just as Dr. Becky likes to say, a “good kid having a hard time.” But I’d be lying if I said my mom’s reactions over the years haven’t shaken me at several points into thinking there could be something wrong with him. This feels so awful.

He’s been in “school” since he was 1 and has thrived there. Now that he’s in 1st grade, he’s doing fantastic! He has friends and always has! Sure, we’ve had conversations with teachers about some issues with aggression or name-calling, but no teacher has ever indicated there is a true problem with his behavior that might require real intervention. We went as far as getting a psychological assessment recently just to make sure we weren’t missing anything. We learned nothing earth shattering or even remotely concerning from it. He needs some help with some social things but that’s it! No ADD, no ADHD etc. 

When I talk to my friends with kids, especially those with boys, they describe their kids displaying very similar behaviors as my son. When I’m home with my son and grounded, I know in my heart he’s doing great and dealing with things the way other children his age deal with them, give or take. BUT when I’m around my mom and, more recently, my sister, I feel that confidence slip.

What I am realizing now, 6 years in, is that I do think that because I am a product of an all-girl environment, I react to his aggression and normal boy behavior with more concern and worry than my husband, who grew up with a brother. I also think I’m more touchy and sensitive to my mom and sister’s reactions to him than my husband is. I’m starting to realize how the girl culture I grew up in might be coloring the way my mom, sister, and to some degree I see his behavior. 

It should be noted that the judgment from my mom, and now my sister, is not out in the open. They’re rarely, if ever, confronting me directly about it, but it is clear to me that they are low-key judging him by his hardest times or the worst thing he says when he’s upset, instead of seeing him as a healthy 6-year-old who is still learning and sometimes says or does things he knows he should not do.

Things were really turned up a notch when my sister brought up that my son had called a fictional made up character “fat” (he did use it in a negative way). Her response was to blame my son for her daughter starting to use the word after the “incident” and to turn to me and ask me what I was doing to educate him about not weaponizing that word. It made me feel deeply judged and like I had to defend my son for using a word he does not understand the full meaning of. This was made worse by the fact that I really do make an effort to speak with him about fatphobia in age-appropriate ways when it feels natural.

Once again I find myself in this place of feeling like I need to explain that my son and I are doing my best and that this is all “normal”. It’s so lame. 

I’m wondering if any other moms of boys who came from girl-only households have had similar experiences?! If so, have you found anything to make it better? My mom is trying to do her best, and I don’t want to come down hard on her, but she seems to need a bit of education about what normal boy behavior looks like so she can put my son’s hard times into better perspective. My sister has a daughter who is very much like she and I were as kids and a son who is only 1 year old. She’s more aware than my mom, but I fear she’s starting to fall prey to the same traps as my mom.

Wondering if anyone has any nuggets of wisdom or support for my situation.

I am a mom to a 6-year-old boy. I have one sister, so I come from a girl-only household. If you had asked me before I had my son if boys were that different from girls, I think I might have told you, “Not by much.” Then I had a boy, and wooo boy, did I realize that most boys really do seem to be wired differently than girls. They’re more aggressive. They’re more physical. They seem to struggle more with emotions, expressing them and talking about them. At some point they seem to love trucks and cars naturally?! They turn everything into a weapon and love to talk about war!  Sure, I know NOT ALL boys are like this, but I’d wager most of us with boys see marked differences between how our sons move through the world compared to their girl siblings, peers, and friends.

The problem I’m starting to realize in my family is that the baseline for child behavior in my immediate family is girl behavior. Ever since my son started to talk and move, I’ve had this feeling that my mom has felt like something was wrong with him. I have felt like I’ve had to fight for her to see him as a “normal” and “age-appropriate” kid because what’s normal in our family is girl behavior. In some ways, I don’t blame her. All she knew was my sister and me, and I think we were particularly mild-mannered kids growing up (or she’s forgotten the hard times; hindsight can do that!). That said, she really seems to be thrown by my son’s age-appropriate phases. Biting when he was younger. Hitting and name-calling when he gets frustrated or mad (less of that now, thank goodness).

My partner and I are active and involved parents and always looking to best support our son. We remain grounded in the idea that when he acts out, he’s not a bad kid, just as Dr. Becky likes to say, a “good kid having a hard time.” But I’d be lying if I said my mom’s reactions over the years haven’t shaken me at several points into thinking there could be something wrong with him. This feels so awful.

He’s been in “school” since he was 1 and has thrived there. Now that he’s in 1st grade, he’s doing fantastic! He has friends and always has! Sure, we’ve had conversations with teachers about some issues with aggression or name-calling, but no teacher has ever indicated there is a true problem with his behavior that might require real intervention. We went as far as getting a psychological assessment recently just to make sure we weren’t missing anything. We learned nothing earth shattering or even remotely concerning from it. He needs some help with some social things but that’s it! No ADD, no ADHD etc. 

When I talk to my friends with kids, especially those with boys, they describe their kids displaying very similar behaviors as my son. When I’m home with my son and grounded, I know in my heart he’s doing great and dealing with things the way other children his age deal with them, give or take. BUT when I’m around my mom and, more recently, my sister, I feel that confidence slip.

What I am realizing now, 6 years in, is that I do think that because I am a product of an all-girl environment, I react to his aggression and normal boy behavior with more concern and worry than my husband, who grew up with a brother. I also think I’m more touchy and sensitive to my mom and sister’s reactions to him than my husband is. I’m starting to realize how the girl culture I grew up in might be coloring the way my mom, sister, and to some degree I see his behavior. 

It should be noted that the judgment from my mom, and now my sister, is not out in the open. They’re rarely, if ever, confronting me directly about it, but it is clear to me that they are low-key judging him by his hardest times or the worst thing he says when he’s upset, instead of seeing him as a healthy 6-year-old who is still learning and sometimes says or does things he knows he should not do.

Things were really turned up a notch when my sister brought up that my son had called a fictional made up character “fat” (he did use it in a negative way). Her response was to blame my son for her daughter starting to use the word after the “incident” and to turn to me and ask me what I was doing to educate him about not weaponizing that word. It made me feel deeply judged and like I had to defend my son for using a word he does not understand the full meaning of. This was made worse by the fact that I really do make an effort to speak with him about fatphobia in age-appropriate ways when it feels natural.

Once again I find myself in this place of feeling like I need to explain that my son and I are doing my best and that this is all “normal”. It’s so lame. 

I’m wondering if any other moms of boys who came from girl-only households have had similar experiences?! If so, have you found anything to make it better? My mom is trying to do her best, and I don’t want to come down hard on her, but she seems to need a bit of education about what normal boy behavior looks like so she can put my son’s hard times into better perspective. My sister has a daughter who is very much like she and I were as kids and a son who is only 1 year old. She’s more aware than my mom, but I fear she’s starting to fall prey to the same traps as my mom.

Super weird but my son is going through the why stage I will tell him i love him he will ask why I know that he is just saying it to say it but why why do I love him like I can't think of any reason I just do has anyone else gone through something smaller

How much money are we sending with kids for a field trip to Philly? Lunch is already paid.

I'm trying to find middle ground where I'm not obsessing over every ingredient but also not buying something full of stuff we don't really need. What do you look for in a kids vitamins if you're trying to keep the ingredient list fairly simple? We shop at the usual big box stores and I would like to be able to grab it off the shelf. I know I am probably still over thinking this lol but we walk by and its a sea of vitamins. gruns, hiya, first day what are you all using?

My little one is having a hard time transitioning out of nighttime diapers. For the past few weeks, he's been peeing in his bed every single night, and honestly, we're getting exhausted.

My husband thinks we should just put him back in diapers at night, but I'm hesitant because I don't want to make the transition even harder when we eventually try again.

For parents who've been through this, what did you do? Did you go back to nighttime diapers and try again later, or stick with underwear and wait for things to click?

I'm trying to figure out whether I should keep pushing through or accept that he's just not ready yet. I'd love to hear your experiences!

I have a daughter who’s only a few months old but I am already thinking about what I need to do to raise her and how to do it.

Of course we have moved on from gender roles and there being equality amongst everyone, but I’m noticing more and more relationships end because of this. Meaning a lot of people are not willing to put in work on both sides or are simply just focusing on their independence they forget to support their partner. I 100% agree everyone has the right to be independent and everyone is equal but I fear this is leading to people not knowing how to be within relationships. Everyone should be heard but to what extent do we teach our kids to stop talking and making matters worse and actually try to understand a person?

I am grateful to have been raised by parents who never stopped me from going after my dreams. I got a university education, a great career and was independent in many ways to a point where I never needed to rely on anyone. Of course with having kids priorities shifted. I am now a stay at home mom and have moved into more of a traditional role until the kids are ready to school. I am basking in every moment I get with them. My career is on hold but I have no complaints. I have a very supportive partner who I know wouldn’t stop me if I wanted to focus back on my career.

So my question is more so to anyone who is raising daughters, maybe knows of someone with a daughter or has nieces. From your experiences or i guess future plans, are you raising your daughters to follow more of a traditional approach, focus on career and independence or both? How are you gonna do this and is there any advice you have that maybe would help guide me?

I've noticed that children's outdoor activities are becoming increasingly monotonous and boring, not during school hours. Meanwhile, more and more cognitive and developmental courses are being introduced by various institutions these years, promoting children to practice skills (like sensory integration and balance), that they could have acquired through play and outdoor physical activities, now through so-called professional training in a big classroom. Many of the games we played as children are gradually disappearing. I'm thinking about why.

i’m always trying to find the line between putting my kids in activities they enjoy and accidentally making the week feel too packed.

what’s the first sign that it’s time to pull back a little for your family?

I’ve been taking care of my nieces and nephew much more now that my sister moved back to our hometown, and am starting to realize just how careful you need to be taking care of children.

My niece who is 6 loves to play with her stick pony so I started singing “my pony” by genuine…. No dirty parts just like Ridin my pony, the saddle is waiting, cmon jump on it. Kinda just made up words mostly…. We just call it the pony song.

Anyway, Just found out she’s been teaching kids in her class the pony song and now a bunch of kids are singing it in her school.

My sister is now blaming me for the embarrassment and is questioning if the free childcare is worth it.

On certain mornings (no recognizable pattern yet), my son will wake up straining to open his eyes and they'll be sensitive to light. Sometimes he'll get used to it, and everything is normal - life goes on. However, when he doesn't get used to it, after a while (1 - 4 hours) he throws up??? Whether its at home or at school, its happened at both. Never consistent. Has anyone experienced anything similar to this? Its been happening for 2 - 3 years now, randomly.

When I brought it up at his last check-up and they checked his eyes and saw nothing. Said his eyes were healthy.

This comes and goes but I'll admit I'm having alot of postpartum anxiety and its starting to really show with all of my questions I've had for the pediatrician. Something in me just feels as though somethings off. Is this sunset eyes? My son is 3 weeks old, normal delivery, apgar of 8.

I have a 6-year-old son who plays a game with his dad where they slap each other’s butts. He thinks it’s hilarious.

Recently, he started doing it to us in public, which I don’t like. It used to be something he did only at home, but now he does it outside, too.

Today, he was at the playground, and I was checking on him through the glass window since the playground is right in front of our house. I saw a neighbor’s kid trying to fight him, and my son was trying to fight back. Then, I saw my son slap his butt.

The next thing I knew, my son, that child, and two other kids were coming to my door. The child who had been slapped told me, “Jack was touching my private parts!”

OMG. My first thought was, What did I miss?

My son was crying and trying to get comfort from me, while the other two kids were backing up the child who was making the accusation.

The child kept repeating, “Jack was touching my private parts! He slapped my butt!”

I had a very firm conversation with my son and told him that he absolutely needed to stop slapping people’s butts immediately, regardless of whether he thought it was funny.

Now I’m freaking out because this child goes to the same school as my son, and I’m worried he might tell other kids that my son touched his private parts without explaining what actually happened. I’m scared my son will be labeled as a creep.

What would you do in my situation? Would you talk to the other child’s parents, or would that potentially make things worse?
I’m honestly feeling anxious about the possibility of this following him at school, and I could really use some advice from other parents.

Follow their development! And be there for them along their journey to adulthood.

I heard all about the terrible twos, and the threenagers, but my walk through fire had really started at 4. My kiddo turned 4 in March and it’s like a switch flipped. It’s not like he’s a perfectly well behaved kid before that. But that’s not my expectation by any means. I expect big feelings over little problems, not listening a good chunk of the time, breaking rules, not meeting behavioral expectations. I expect a 4 year old to act like a 4 year old.
There are consequences. I’m firmly against physical punishment and I will not accept “whoop his ass” as advice, don’t even bother. I was spanked over every little infraction as a child with everything from open hand, to belt, to switch. And guess what? I was still a total shithead child. It’s not effective and causes more harm than good by any measure.
We do time outs, we talk about the rules and expectations, loss of privileges, etc. my husband and I reinforce the rules and expectation and enforce the boundaries and consequences. When we say something we stick to it. But nothing gets better. Bedtime is a nightmare, outings are often disasters. Our kiddo wants everything all the time and gets combative when the answer is no. It got to the point I talked to his pediatrician because I was drowning. I feel like I’m failing as a parent because my child is not well behaved by any metric despite my best efforts and following through on the rules and consequences.
Our pediatrician told me this (I’m paraphrasing) “your son is very smart for his age, he is also very large and physically adept for his age. What you’re dealing with is an incredibly smart and arrogant child without any emotional ability to navigate his intelligence. He believes firmly he is the smartest person in the room. One day, life is going to humble him and you’re going to have to be there to help him pick up the pieces. Until then you’re going to butt heads.”
For context, when she says large she means that literally. My 4yo is 4ft tall and around 47lbs. He’s built like a cage fighter. Tall and long legged and armed, he’s very thin and muscular and is able to run, jump, and climb better and fasten than many kids his age he’s played with. This isn’t a brag. Nothing I did personally made him this way. It’s just who he is genetically. His father is very similarly athletically inclined. And he is smart, he’s learning to read, he can do some basic math (single digit addition and subtraction), and myself being a chronic over explainer when he asks questions about things like “how are planets made?” He knows a lot of random trivia about earth sciences and animals because he asks and we look up the answers together.
I feel like I’ve created an arrogant monster of a kid who is going to be the problem child in school and will have no respect for myself and his father until life comes along and knocks him on his ass. I just don’t know what to do. And there’s such a sweet side to him, he’s very affectionate. Stopping at random times during our walks with the dogs to hug me and tell me he loves me so much. He’s very social often striking up conversations with strangers and cashiers at the store or at parks. He generally plays very well with other kids and is sensitive and empathetic when doing so. He gets his feelings hurt very easily when other kids don’t want to play with him or when there’s no one at the park. Today he cried because he was helping his dad put up boards and my husband started grabbing his own screws instead of waiting for our son to hand them to him.
It’s such a stark difference between that version of him versus this sassy indignant version of him that crops up as soon as boundaries are enforced.
I’m sorry for the incredibly long rant. I just want to know if this is normal. Am I doing a terrible job? Have any of you had a similar time with kids this age and what helped? I just want to raise a good human. Thanks for reading if you made it to the end and thank you for any advice or kind words.

My kid has been coming home from school saying her stomach hurts on and off and I’m trying to figure out what changed. She seems mostly fine at school and it is not every day but enough that I started paying attention. The colder weather is starting too and she is drinking less water lately so maybe that is part of it. I spoke to her pediatrician and he mentioned adding a probiotic to her routine so I am considering that along with keeping her lunches and snacks simple. Has anyone dealt with this around school starting or when the weather changes?

This sounds awful and I know it does…but I’m wondering if anyone else feels the same way…

I grew up and succeeded in just about every aspect of my life without even trying. Straight As, fantastic dancer, talented gymnast. Didn’t have ANY confidence at school socially. Was a total loser and that did affect me BUT i had SO much confidence in my ability to DO things.

My daughter is 5 and in kindergarten. She is struggling HARD in school. Cannot even recognize numbers 1-10. Second year ballet and looks like she has no clue. Trying tennis this year….oof rough. Gymnastics….so uncoordinated.

I obviously love her and encourage her and tell her I’m proud of how hard she works. But I’m nervous she is just going to struggle in every aspect of her life and I can’t or don’t know how to help her.

I can’t help but think I have done something to do this to her. Like letting her eat poor quality foods or too much screen time. I let her suck her thumb til she was 4 and she has a high palate and mouth breathes. It’s been a year of myo therapy and a palate expander. I just have so much guilt and I’m terrified of her struggling so hard with no relief.

Editing to add that I am in no way disappointed in her. I just worry for her own self confidence. I want her to succeed for her own gratification of working hard and achieving. I also have an 18 yr old with a nasty case of adhd. And he is getting by by the skin of his teeth. We are counting down the days til he graduates so he can move on and succeed in life. I know he will. I have zero doubts. But school is torture for him and he just has to “make it through”. I don’t want that struggle for her too.

Curious if you agree. Now four kids and many years into this, I'm convinced that if you want your kids to win in life you should:

1. Homeschool them
2. Skip college
3. Start growth hormone early
4. Make them start 1st grade one year late

Every one of these is already happening in my house except for number 4... (was late to that one, so they’re going to skip 8th grade instead).

i'm looking for dinosaur gift ideas for a 4-year-old and would love to hear what other dinosaur-themed gifts have been a hit at this age! maybe something related to fossils or even a dinosaur building set? my nephew has been really into dinosaurs lately, especially t-rex, triceratops, and velociraptors. looking for something he'd actually enjoy beyond the usual dinosaur figures. came across kiwico’s dinosaur dig while browsing gift ideas, and the excavation activity caught my attention since he could dig for dinosaur pieces and put together a skeleton. anyone tried this with their little ones?

Not talking about rough on the playground but actively destroying their clothes pokeing holes with pencils cutting off bits with scissors stretching colleers coloring