For those who haven't followed my previous posts, I'm a recovering compulsive gambler who was arrested in March 2024 for stealing from my former employer to fund my gambling addiction. What started as relatively small sports bets eventually spiraled into millions of dollars in gambling losses, financial devastation, and criminal charges. I've spent the last two and a half years trying to rebuild my life, restore my family, and take responsibility for the damage I caused. I've also had the incredible opportunity to work for a gambling helpline, helping hundreds of people who are struggling with the same addiction that nearly destroyed my life.

Tomorrow, October 16, I will stand before a judge for sentencing.

The State's last plea offer was eight years in prison, which I declined. Tomorrow will be open sentencing, meaning the judge will determine my sentence after considering the facts of the case and the mitigating evidence we've presented. My former employer has expressed that they would prefer restitution over incarceration, and we have extensive medical evidence regarding the role my prescribed Adderall played in the escalation of my gambling addiction. There are reasons to be hopeful, but there are also reasons to be terrified.

I'm praying that I'll be able to come back here tomorrow and tell everyone that I received a non-incarceratory sentence. The fact that I'm sitting here, more than two and a half years after my arrest, still at home with my wife and two boys, is something I don't take for granted. I believe God has been faithful to me throughout this entire process, even when I haven't understood what He was doing.

I don't want to spend too much time recapping everything. There are just a few things I want to say to this community in case I don't have the opportunity to post again for a while.

First, thank you.

The support I've received from people here has meant more than I can adequately express. When you're living with the consequences of something as destructive as gambling addiction, you desperately want to believe that something positive can still come from the misery you've created. You want your experience to mean something beyond the people you've hurt and the things you've lost.

Gambling addiction is incredibly isolating, but recovery can be lonely too. There are plenty of people who hear the word addiction and immediately dismiss you as a degenerate who deserves whatever happens to you. And while I fully accept responsibility for my actions, there is something incredibly meaningful about finding people who understand the grip this addiction can have on a person without pretending that the consequences don't matter. The messages, encouragement, and prayers I've received here have been a blessing to me.

For anyone who is still struggling with gambling or trying to find sustained recovery, there are three things I'd really like to leave you with.

First, don't neglect the spiritual side of recovery.

My recovery has been rooted in my faith in Jesus Christ. I know not everyone here shares that faith, and I'm not suggesting that everyone's recovery has to look exactly like mine. But if you're attending GA, I would encourage you not to dismiss the emphasis on a higher power, surrender, and spiritual growth found in Steps 2, 3, and 11.

For me, that meant seeking Christ and intentionally replacing the time I once spent gambling with time reading my Bible and praying. Those moments throughout the day when I would have been checking scores, placing bets, or figuring out how to get more money became opportunities to turn my attention toward God. I believe He has been faithful to me in ways I never could have imagined when I was arrested.

Second, find your community.

This might be difficult at first, but please don't give up on it. Not every GA meeting is the same. Not every church is the same. Sometimes you have to keep looking before you find people you can genuinely connect with.

The people surrounding you in recovery may look very different from the people who surrounded you during your addiction. Some friends and family will remain by your side, and others may not. But if gambling has driven you into isolation, you have to begin taking steps out of it.

Addiction thrives in secrecy. It convinces you to hide your behavior, your losses, your shame, and eventually yourself. Bringing those things into the light is uncomfortable, but it begins to strip away the power that secrecy has over you. Find people who will love you, challenge you, hold you accountable, and walk alongside you when things are difficult.

Lastly, stop believing the lies gambling tells you.

Yesterday, I came across Jeremiah 2:13 again. God describes His people as having forsaken Him, the fountain of living waters, and having dug cisterns for themselves—broken cisterns that can hold no water.

I cannot think of a better picture of gambling addiction.

Gambling demands that you keep pouring more into it while promising that eventually it's going to hold something for you. More money. More time. More opportunities. One more deposit. One more bet. One more chance to get everything back.

But the cistern is broken.

No matter how much you pour into it, it will never hold what you're looking for. And somehow, even when we can see the damage it's causing, we convince ourselves that continuing to pour into it is the only way out.

Gambling will never solve the problems that gambling created.

I wish I had understood that before I lost my career, betrayed the trust of people who cared about me, and put my wife and children in a position where they now have to wonder whether I'll be coming home tomorrow.

I can't undo those things. I can only continue taking responsibility for them and pray that sharing my experience might help someone else stop before reaching the point I did.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my posts over the last couple of years, whether you've commented, sent me a message, offered advice, challenged me, or simply kept my family in your thoughts. You have helped me more than you know.

If you're inclined to pray, I could especially use those prayers today and tomorrow. Not just for me, but for my wife and our two boys, who have already endured more because of my actions than they ever should have had to.

I sincerely hope I'll be back here soon with a positive update. But whatever happens tomorrow, I am grateful for the recovery I've been given and for the people God has placed in my life along the way.

Before sentencing, I also had the opportunity to record a couple of podcasts where I shared my story in much greater detail. If you're interested in watching, here they are:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7MCxhE83Ng

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXx5rnZY8dc

Thank you all. God bless you, and please don't give up on your recovery.

30 days gambling free. Words I never thought I'd ever be able to write.

$3,500 saved in just 30 days. More money than I've ever managed to save in my life.

Gambling completely fucked up my 20s, but now I'm in my 30s, and my life has genuinely never been better.

Huge credit to NOMOR for helping me get here. Saw some people sharing it in another subreddit, so I thought I'd share it here too in case it helps some of y'all out.

And of course still having dreams about messing it up 😭
I won’t let my grandparents down though! They used a bunch of money bailing me out and I won’t disappoint them. That has kept me going this whole time!

I have $150 in my checking. I had $450 in cash. I left work last night and went to a little social casino I used to win at a lot. I put in 100 and won 600. Do you think I stopped? No. I ended up leaving there with $77. It took me 3 days to make that $450 and I blew it. I am going behind everyone’s back that thinks I stopped, I haven’t. October has been nothing but relapses.

I literally drove home last night with my hand covering my mouth shaking because I cannot believe what I had just done to myself. I couldn’t even sleep next to my boyfriend, I had to sleep on the couch.

He left for work this morning and I just cried and cried and cried. I feel disgusting, guilty, shameful. I feel like I have no purpose. I need all the money I can get to pay off 25k of credit card debt. I hate everything about my life right now.

I have a sick, delirious, anxiety ridden feeling like you get after a heavy night of drinking and doing something you weren’t suppose to. I hate gambling and I wish I NEVER WON ONCE!!!!!!!

I'm just feeling a little bit lost and needed to get this out somewhere no one knows me.

I'll start by telling you a little bit about me, irrelevant to you or not, I hope this will help you understand why I am so desperate. I'm 28 years old and work supporting children with complex SEND needs. However, I must express my proudest job is being a mummy to my 3 year old little girl. Since the day she was born I've strived for better for her and we do it alone, just me and her. We have never had much, but we have love, and plenty of it. She is my greatest achievement. On a less positive note, I have suffered with anxiety, depression and loneliness since I was 18, something which I continue to take daily meditation for 10 years on. It can be exhausting, my moods can be up and down but one thing in my life holds firm, my devotion and dedication to being the best mummy I can be for my girl.

To begin, I was previously registered with gamstop, a few years ago I realised that I was perhaps becoming too frequent a gambler, nothing much more than a few £15-20 here and there but enough that I thought I needed to stop myself before I got carried away. So I registered, and blocked gambling out of my life. When that block expired, I went through the process of reinstating my gambling abilities. I cannot tell you why as I truly do not know. I believed that it was fine, and maybe it would just be harmless fun again.

On the 22nd of September I was paid my wage, around £1400. At some point I saw an advertisement for MrQ, I was drawn in and opened myself an account. The site recognised I was a former gamstop user and gave an initial £500 deposit limit to me. As previously stated, I've never been a major gambler, so my first deposit on MrQ was around £15, but I was in and it was already too late. At some point on the morning of the 27th of September,, which By this time the damage was done, and I was in the depths of a mental health crisis. I couldn't stop, I couldn't think about anything else. My deposits became erratic and increasingly large. What started off as a 'harmless' £15 was now reaching £130-£170 a deposit. That is until my bank account hit a flat zero. £0.

Rest assured I blame myself. I did this, I deposited the money and I lost it. However I feel let down. During this time in which I deposited a total of £3328 in a matter of hours, the only support I received was in the form of a few system notifications. No affordability checks, no human support, no blocks and no cool down periods. Just notifications that were easily brushed away in the crisis.

The only human interaction I received was when I contacted customer service myself, to block my account, still receiving promotional messages despite reaching and exceeding well over that initial deposit limit. The person I spoke to, I suppose, was only doing his job, but he was, cold, unsympathetic and put the blame entirely on me despite hearing how I was feeling in that moment. A few links to some Google pages and that was his job done.

I was ashamed, lost and completely heartbroken and I didn't know how I was going to get through the rest of this month without a penny to my name to provide for my little girl. I still don't know how we're going to get through when I have nothing to give her. The light of my life and I let her down in a matter of hours.

He sent me away with my links and an email where I could submit a complaint. When I emailed, my complaint wasn't submitted. Only once I contacted again just a couple of days ago was my complaint logged. Today I received the same response, to the tune of essentially it's your fault, we don't owe you anything, we sent a notification, you are the one to blame.

I know it's my fault, I know I'm ultimately the one to blame for the absolute dire situation myself and my daughter now find ourselves in and I know I let her down, however I feel I've also been let down. This shouldn't have been allowed to happen to a person known to have gambling issues. £3328 is nothing to most people, but to me, that's 3 months worth of wages, that's Christmas made magical for my little girl, that's a few months on no money worries and not living paycheck to paycheck despite working so hard to make a better life for us. I was allowed to lose that in a few short hours.

The financial and emotional toll this has taken on me is completely unmanageable. Emotionally, I am utterly broken. Living with severe anxiety and depression for a decade means my mental health is already fragile, but this situation has pushed me into a dark, terrifying place. The overwhelming guilt and shame I feel when I look at my daughter is suffocating. I cannot sleep, my anxiety is through the roof, and I feel a deep, physical sickness every single day knowing that my vulnerability was exploited in a moment of crisis. I am trapped in a constant state of panic.

Financially, this has entirely ruined us. I do not have a safety net. I don't have savings or family money to fall back on. Leaving a bank account at absolute zero means I am currently facing the reality of not being able to buy basic groceries, put fuel in my car to get to work, or pay my essential household bills. I am terrified of the impending threat of debt and arrears, and the sheer desperation of trying to scrape by daily with a three-year-old is a burden I can barely carry. All I know is I feel lost, I feel ashamed, I feel let down and I feel like my little girl deserved better.

Pleaaaase help ! How can i stop ! I lost a looooot of money in a short period of time. I can’t anymore ! I am jobless.

Days until debt free: 259 days

I see so many young people here and wanted to give some perspective. I placed my last bet in 2018 at age 48. I had been gambling for 20 years. I would have periods of stability and then create major crises by gambling, dropping an atom bomb on myself and those around me.

I lost a marriage, cars, was evicted and could barely feed myself while making six figures. I was bailed out multiple times and ruined important relationships by not paying the money back. I was super sick, I would gamble to my last dollar. I stole soup from a co-workers desk at one point because I didn't have a dollar for food. I walked 10 miles from a casino one night because I couldn't afford a cab. That was some walk, let me tell you.

I placed my last bet in a binge in 2018 but had really stopped gambling heavily a few years prior. I estimate I lost mid 6 figures.

I am happy now, a good provider with a family and I have money for bills and things I want. If I can stop you can.

My main point here though is that if I had quit in my 20s or even 30s I would have been so much better off. Your life is not over. Money can be made, debt can be dealt with. The harder part is dealing with the shame you feel for what gambling made you, but you can deal with this too.

Stop gambling and you may have some immediate pain to deal with but it gets better more quickly than you imagined. Gamblers like us are resourceful and have dealt with more stress than many. We think we're weak but we are actually strong and when you take the energy you were putting into gambling and finding money to gamble into work and legitimate things you will find you can make money and you can live a happy and fulfilling life without the constant stress and letting people (including yourself) down.

Stop gambling, the money is gone, the house indeed always wins when you cross the line into compulsive gambling. Be gentle with yourself. Stop obsessing over losses. You can beat it, I believe in you.

Paid 3/4 of my debts. 1/4 left!!! Thank you Lord!

For context: I lost almost 20K USD. That is 1 million pesos in our country. It was a crazy ride but glad to bounce back.

You can quit and heal from this disease. Just believe and LOVE yourself a little more.

Gambling addict here. I have been gambling since I was 17 or 18 years of age. I am now in my early 30s. I’m just writing this so maybe it will reach one person. Please stop now.

I took a break and returned and all the progress I have made is out the window

I owe one friend 4000
Another friend 1500
A co worker 1300
Another friend 600
Another friend 565

I have ruined all friendships around me and my job is now at risk. It is just not worth it seriously. STOP GAMBLING

I got paid 4100. I should have paid some of my debts and talked to the others that the money will come next paycheck. Instead I gambled the $4100 and now I will have to work 2 months to repay everyone. That’s not even the problem. The problem is some of my friends have threatened my job and they know where in work. Can you imagine if they walk in and talk to management and I don’t even have a job any longer?

Gambling stops your brain from thinking logically and you will ruin every good friendship in your life when it gets out of control.

Again I just hope one person reads my story and decides to quit.

My day one starts today

Sometimes I deposit 500€ into my gambling account and manage double that money within 2 hours. And why am such an id*ot who chases a 10€ loss? I double the bet and in a few minutes, i‘m back at 0€. It is mentally frustrating, you feel like you‘re not in control. And its usually those chases, that male me lose all that money. Have you guys experienced something similar?

I check in here from time to time, not much because I try not to think about gambling because it puts me in a depressed mood alot of times. Recently I noticed I dont really have gambling urges anymore except random thoughts of "what if I put a bet on this game I knew they would win" when im watching sports but thats not really an urge is it? Aslong as I dont act upon it. I do hate that my mind still creates mental bets like that I hope that will go away too. Anyway stay strong guys, I was degen as fuck in the crypto casinos unable to quit now im day 281, its possible.

A few years ago I was dept-free after years of gambling. Relapsed and now about 100k in dept again. Almost told my wife today, but didn't have enough courage. I feel like an idiot. She is probably going to leave me.

I just love and love to spend time with her. Hate this secrecy. Trying to tell her tomorrow. I hate gambling.

Will it be like this for the rest of my life? Im 31, I think I'll live some 40 years more, dont think I can resist and urge for 40 years.

I am a gambling addict. I know it within myself. I've repeatedly tried to stop but I can't do so. I always end up gambling more and more.

My family doesn't know it, my wife doesn't know it. I am ashamed of it, and I don't want to tell any of them about it. I'm afraid my wife would leave me if she finds out.

I've lost shitload of money, I'm able to go by as I've got a fairly decent job. I needed to vent out. I'll attempt to quit again by withdrawing my money and storing it in a joint bank account. That way I'd be certain I'll be handsoff about it.

The 100-day milestone is near. I know it 's just a number but holy shit time fly fast. I look back the first few days after relapse and remember how desperate I was. I appreciate my efforts and commitment to this way of line. My life now is in a much better state than It was before.

I had relapses before, but the last time was different. Maybe because this time I realize my role as a father. I took writing journal and tracking my progress seriously, unlike those times before. Writing journal is like doing a conversation with myself, keeping me focus of key important things in my life. It helps me increasing self-awareness, and avoid at least 2 relapses in the last 85 days.

I will not gamble today!

As described in this post, Flywheel Film is looking for NY state residents under 40 to appear in a film project. The moderation team of this community is in full support of this project, and in fact have partnered with them to help find subjects for their project.

We're doing this because nearly 14 years ago, this community was started by one little guy, on one little computer, for one purpose: to raise the flag on the lurking threat of gambling disorder. Now, at 40k members and after an explosion of gambling availability worldwide, the threat has magnified and the need to intervene is dire.

This film project is one of the many efforts to raise awareness and bring hope to the lives devastated by gambling addiction. We need your help to complete it and add to the collective message that gambling can be treated and life can become manageable again.

We urge anybody and everybody in NY who has been impacted by gambling to seriously consider [contributing your time](mailto:jason@flywheelfilm.com) to this project. We can save lives together.

It’s Day 8 of my gambling recovery journey. I’m paying off my debts little by little—debts that I wouldn’t even have if it weren’t for gambling. I really hope I can pay everything off soon and start saving money again. It’s honestly so stressful dealing with all of this, especially knowing that I wouldn’t be in this situation if I hadn’t gambled. 😔🙏

How did you all go about quitting? My luck is horrible and I've just been chasing, so much so that it's become a problem. I don't have any money left for a therapist. Are there any free counseling sessions? Any advice would be appreciated

I’m a 17 year old gambling addict and it makes me wanna fucking die. I started playing poker with my friends, then moved on to playing poker online, now I fall into the trap of blackjack often. This has been going on since maybe 15. I’ve lost over 8 grand overall and I get that’s not a lot but it’s a lot for me I guess. I work tirelessly and can’t build savings, the only solution I’ve found is buying sports cards so I can have all my money tied up in something that I don’t have easy access to. I know that at some point in life Ill probably be able to look back on my losses and see it as not that life altering, but if I keep going down this road I don’t know if I’ll ever get rid of the habit. I’m very prone to addiction, anything high dopamine gets me going. I was clean for almost a year and then kept having small relapses, but it’s been getting worse again recently. I lost most of my money last year, probably 6 6.5 grand, so it’s gotten a little better, but another coping mechanism I’ve had is pretty frivolous spending so it hasn’t translated to much of savings at all. My dad cannot know or he’d kill me, but he thinks I have almost 10 thousand saved up and soon I’m gonna have to move away and I have nothing. It feels like this is never gonna go away, and it’s the only thing that’s had me close to suicide as of late, I’ve gotten a lot better mentally but I just don’t know how to get rid of this vice. Please help me.

Today officially makes the two week point since I have uninstalled all gambling apps off my phone and have been clean since. The first week was really easy and I felt amazing, however the past few days I’ve been having temptations, out of boredom, FOMO, etc. My friends who aren’t gambling addicts keep sending me photos of their slips, and I just kinda awkwardly look at it, I keep telling myself “well i can just play with a little bit” or “I can just play with this and if I lose it I won’t care” but that’s not the person I am and I can’t control myself when I do that. I feel great that I’ve been making progress though, whenever I get the urge to even put any amount of money in a app, I just immediately think about how bad of a mindset / position I was in 2 weeks ago, and how I never wanna feel like that again. The surroundings in my life make this more difficult. Will post an update next week!