Casually committed with a poly guy

[u/Chemical_Cherry_6929]

About a month ago I F28 matched with a guy (lets call him F) on a dating app. I had a 5 year mono relationship end a year and a half ago and had struggled with my sexual life, before and during that, so I have wanted to explore and been dating a lot. I connect easily with people, gain attachments pretty quickly and I am working on not needing definitions and accepting that I just care a lot.

Anyway F is poly, we have a date of talking about that along with other stuff, and it actually calms my nervous system knowing that he has a primary partner, and generally I really like him. So we start texting all the time, sexual, friendly and I date another person where I struggle much more with the uncertainty than with F. We also go on some great dates and have amazing sexual chemistry. I even spend the night at his house.

Now on our last date F tells me that he and his partner has ended things after them being together for like 7 years. We still have a good date and he reiterates that this will not change our relation as casually committed. He also says we will not initiate a relationship. (Now i wasn’t thinking that at all but got a little offended ngl).

Anyways I want to both support him in this, protect my own nervous system and sensitive heart so does anyone have advice?

TLDR: Dating poly for the first time, and the guy im seeing broke up with his primary partner. How do I protect myself while still dating him?m

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[u/EvelynnWithTheVibes]

I mean this is weird cause it could be great hinging or a pretty not good situation you're in. It's weird for him to specifically say he won't start a relationship with you, but also great timing wise. It's weird he just suddenly broke up with long term partner, but you're casual and didn't know the details which is good. Etc.

Honestly I'd just say in terms of self protection, keep an eye on anything sus, and prioritize keeping your initial outlook and boundaries in mind. Don't get confused on what he's doing, protecting you is about you staying in tune with yourself and what you need/want or don't need/want. And if you get urges to escalate, probably hold off, but you seem adamantly casual for now so that's just in case.

[u/Chemical_Cherry_6929 → u/EvelynnWithTheVibes]

Yeah i thought that comment was weird as well. It was in the context of like me asking if he wanted to continue going on dates or be more friends first for a while tho.

My main worry is that I am extremely attracted to this guy, i have histories of attaching myself too early and falling for people and really as in really getting too serious too soon without it being reciprocated. I have an anxious mind. And i struggle with rejection..

[u/symbol42]

You’re already in a relationship. The word itself is doing a lot of ambiguous work here. 🤷‍♂️

What does “casually committed” mean to each of you?
What does he mean when he says he doesn’t want to initiate a relationship?
Does he mean no additional time together, no change to your existing dynamic, I don’t have romantic feelings, or something else entirely?

Those feel like questions to ask them rather than being left guessing what they mean.

His other relationship ending doesn’t automatically change what’s available between you, nor does it create an obligation for either of you to want something different.

[u/Chemical_Cherry_6929 → u/symbol42]

Basically we go out and have fun, like a museum or a walk or a coffee. We hold hands, we are more than just having sex and we are friends as well so i think just we have a casual relation but we spend time together. For me it means that I am not picturing a future.

I like your end comment i think that is the mindset i will try and keep.

[u/bouncysofa]

Do we know for sure he was/is poly and was not simply cheating and looking to monkey branch? A sudden breakup of a 7 year relationship right when he's connecting with someone new is pretty sus to me.

In any event, have you reflected on whether you want polyamory? It's one thing to try to tolerate it for a specific person, it's another to actually be able to sustain a polyamorous dynamic long term. If you do want polyamory for yourself, I would encourage you to remain cautious with this guy and don't involve yourself in his breakup at all. While he may need/want support, you are not the right person to provide that support.

[u/Chemical_Cherry_6929 → u/bouncysofa]

Well the break up was unexpected. He talked very openly about his partners and his gf’s partners and they had been poly for years. I also visited the home they shared with a friend and talked to that person

I am still trying to figure out what I want. Idk if I could do Poly more so in my energy levels and I would need to work on my own insecurities but for now I am fine with him dating and me dating others.

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Here's the original text of the post:

About a month ago I F28 matched with a guy (lets call him F) on a dating app. I had a 5 year mono relationship end a year and a half ago and had struggled with my sexual life, before and during that, so I have wanted to explore and been dating a lot. I connect easily with people, gain attachments pretty quickly and I am working on not needing definitions and accepting that I just care a lot.

Anyway F is poly, we have a date of talking about that along with other stuff, and it actually calms my nervous system knowing that he has a primary partner, and generally I really like him. So we start texting all the time, sexual, friendly and I date another person where I struggle much more with the uncertainty than with F. We also go on some great dates and have amazing sexual chemistry. I even spend the night at his house.

Now on our last date F tells me that he and his partner has ended things after them being together for like 7 years. We still have a good date and he reiterates that this will not change our relation as casually committed. He also says we will not initiate a relationship. (Now i wasn’t thinking that at all but got a little offended ngl).

Anyways I want to both support him in this, protect my own nervous system and sensitive heart so does anyone have advice?

TLDR: Dating poly for the first time, and the guy im seeing broke up with his primary partner. How do I protect myself while still dating him?m

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[u/gemuese_jedi]

I think he might just wanted to tell you that this does not mean any escalation of what you have is on his mind. Especially if you told him that you feel good the way it was, ist might be him saying that you can still have what you comitted to in the first place.