I always travel alone, but last September, I decided to book a trip to Thailand with one of my close friends. Both girls kami, and I thought it would be a fun experience to travel together.

Madalang lang din kami magkita, siguro once a month on average, kaya I always look forward to seeing her kasi close naman talaga kami.

Pero eto na, nung nasa trip na kami, doon ko na-realize na iba pala talaga kami in some ways. Matipid din naman ako, pero hindi naman to the point na kailangan i-compute lahat, especially when traveling. 😅

Naiinis din ako kasi every time na may gusto siyang food or item, hindi niya bibilhin unless bibili rin ako for myself. Minsan, nagko-compute na agad siya kung magkano ang utang habang nasa labas pa kami. Even when sharing food, I noticed na mas malaki pa minsan yung share niya.

Doon ko na-realize na iba rin pala talaga ang nagagawa ng travel sa friendship. Since kayong dalawa lang ang magkasama for several days, you'll get to see each other's habits, attitudes, and even sides na hindi mo usually nakikita kapag occasional lang kayo nagkikita.

Dagdag mo pa yung pagod, puyat, at stress sa pag-commute at pag-explore. Lahat talaga, mas ramdam mo. 😅

It made me realize na kahit close kayo ng isang tao, it doesn't necessarily mean compatible kayo as travel buddies.

Meron ba rito na naka-experience din ng ganito with a close friend? Did it change the way you see your friendship or your decision to travel together again?

(Please don’t share on other platforms thank you)

Matagal na din ako sa dati kong role and company. 4 yrs ako nag stay. At first nag start ako as onsite tapos over time, namove to 2 times WFH so hybrid.

Masaya naman ako though sa sahod talagang mababa.

May nag reach out sa akin, nag offer ng remote role. Syempre na excite ako, sinearch ko naman yung company walang masamang posts about them. Okay naman din yung history nila.

So nagpaalam ako sa boss ko and I accepted the other company’s offer. Sinubukan ako pigilan kaso hindi matapatan yung increase kasi x2.

Anyways, grabeng stressful pala yung work. Tipong araw araw dreaded ko pumasok. Araw araw ko iniiyakan. Ang hilig pa ng colleagues at bosses na yung tipong sa group chats or during meetings ka kino callout. Like they always make an example out of you (naranasan ko na but madalas other teammates pero kinakabahan pa rin ako kasi baka ako naman next).

Since nag start ako dito nag lose ako ng 10kg sa stress. Nagka hives ako at nagkaron ako ng anxiety.

Kaso di ako makaalis kasi iniisip ko panget sa resume. At ang hirap makahanap ng roles na permanent WFH.

Ayun lang di ko lang alam san ilalabas yung sama ng loob ko. Araw araw nalang nasi stress ako kahit weekends dala ko yung stress. Hindi ko na na enjoy buhay ko.

Kaso di din makaalis kasi breadwinner tapos wala naman sasalo sa akin pag nawalan ako ng work.

Tbh minsan nalulungkot ako magbukas ng reddit kasi nalulungkot ako sa nararanasan ng mga pilipino ngayon.

I have 4 jobs, solo living, walang anak, pero yung kinikita ko sapat lang para sa kumportableng pamumuhay. Hindi tulad ng ibang freelancers, hindi ako masaya na tumataas yung dolyar sa totoo lang. Imagine bumibili ako sa DALI ng kape, 12 pcs na itlog, lemon square cheesecake, fudgee barr, cup noodles, umaabot pa ng ₱700+ na hindi naman dapat ganon.

Pag nababasa ko yung mga post dito na nagtitipid na sila to the point na pati kuryente tinitipid na naisip ko na lang na in this heat pano pa mabubuhay nang maayos mga pilipino. Ako nga na kerami na ng trabaho, normal na pamumuhay, nasa ‘kumportableng’ state lang ako. Hindi rin madali kasi health ko yung sinasakripisyo ko pero ano? Magpapakakuba para magkaron ng kumportableng buhay.

Di ko din alam, siguro ang point ko lang sa post na to ay huwag na tayong maging resilient at i-normalize natin na isang trabaho is enough para masustain ang isang buhay. Sana buhay pa ko kapag dumating yung panahon na pinapadali na ng gobyerno ang buhay ng mga pilipino.

It bothers me kasi I saw this post talking about people that "dont seem to care" abt sa El Niño. Especially some comments na parang may lack of empathy sa mga d nagpreprepare and even mock and look down on them.

Maghoard ng stocks, bumili ng malalaking balde para mag ipon ng tubig, save extra cash in case of emergencies. Tama naman lahat ng yan, it's best for us to be prepared kahit papaano. But just because YOU are capable of being prepared, doesnt mean that others who arent are ignorant, stupid, hard-headed, or dont believe in El Niño.

You have to understand that the majority of Filipinos earn low income/are from low income families. May mga families that worry about loans/utang, rent, medical bills, electric bills, etc. There are single parents, working students, street vendors, farmers, ordinary people that have too many problems in their hands to focus on the upcoming drought and storms. Which is why they would most likely prioritize other things rather than the El Niño. And I was only talking about those who live in rural and urban areas, paano pa kaya sa mga nakatira sa remote, isolated areas with no water or electricity? Dont forget that we are a 3rd world country suffering inflation as well, naku mahal na ng bilihin as in.

Oo, pwede parin naman gawan ng paraan yan kahit papaano. But even that has its own limits depending on the person's financial capabilities. It wont be enough for some/most to last the entire El Niño. Which is why dito ko nakikita kung bakit ung iba ay pinipilit na "resilient" sila and brush off this crisis, it may be their way of coping with the fact that they cant afford prepare and only have to rely on their resilience.

I am not encouraging people to simply think of El Niño as something na dapat hayaan nalang mangyari at wag na maghanda, nor am I defending the those who dont prepare for the wrong reasons. This is simply a loooonggg insight as to why there are those who choose not to prepare for the upcoming global crisis.

To those who are fully prepared, I salute you for being able to take care of yourself/your family. But before you judge those who dont do the same as you do, put yourselves on other people's shoes first.

TLDR: Sorry na ung iba kasi sa amin d afford maghoard or bumili ng equipment e, may mga pinagdadaanan din kasi kami na mas kailangan unahin😔✌️

After school, my daughter went to a playground at the mall. She was so happy because this was my little treat for her to celebrate a milestone. We paid for a two-hour play session, and she was excited to spend the afternoon there.

After almost an hour, my daughter came up to me and said she wanted to go home. She didn't seem grumpy or upset, but I could tell that something was wrong. That feeling stayed with me even after we had some snacks.

During our car ride home, I finally asked her what had happened. I told her that I had a feeling something was bothering her and that she could always tell me anything because I would always be her safe space. That was when she started opening up.

Apparently, another child approached her and became her playmate. They eventually started talking about their lives, and the child asked where her mother and father were. My daughter explained that she only had her mother because I am a single mom.

The other child then told her that she was not blessed by God. My daughter was even told that she would eventually burn in hell. According to the other child, only children of married couples were blessed. My daughter took those words to heart.

As a mother, it breaks my heart to know that my child had to experience something like that. I wish I could have protected her from hearing those words, but I also know that I cannot shield her from everything the world might throw at her. What I can do is remind her that our family is no less worthy of love and respect just because it looks different from others. Being raised by a single mother does not make her any less blessed, loved, or deserving of happiness.

To my fellow parents, please teach your children to be mindful of what they say to others. Teach them that not every family looks the same and that differences are never an excuse to belittle someone. Children learn their values from the adults around them, and we have a responsibility to guide them toward empathy, kindness, and respect.

I hope no child ever has to question their worth because of another child's words. I hope we raise children who know how to be kind, even when they encounter someone whose life is different from their own.

Congrats mga pre md na kayo lahat, finally pasado na lahat ng tropa except me. I am happy for you guys!, pero ako siguro medyo depressed lang di ko na kasi na tuloy eh sensya na mga pre dito na lang me mag labas muna ng feelings di ko rin masabi sa iba talga nararamdaman ko. Frustrated lang ako sa sarili ko kasi di ko na natuloy yung pangarap ko, choice ko rin naman to and siguro may konting pagsisi pero wala eh nandito na tayo wala na rin naman magagawa.

Can you even call it living if you don't feel alive?

I am getting worse, i know that.

My knuckles no longer heal. There's permanent bruising and it hurts to flex them but it's still better than hitting someone else whenever I get that sudden explosive rage.

I don't even know if what I'm saying here makes sense at all. I'm almost positive it doesn't but typing it down helped me breathe. That, and marlboro reds.

Sina Mama at Papa ko di nila gustong irespeto yung huling habilin ng kuya ko.

Gusto ng kuya ko, icremate tapos itapon sa dagat.

Na-cremate na siya, tapos ngayon gusto siyang ibaon sa lupa. Pinakahabilin nga niya na ayaw niyang mabaon sa lupa. Tapos pinipilit ng magulang ko nasa paniniwala daw nila. Eh hindi nga sila pareho ng paniniwala, atheist yung kuya koooo????!!!!!

Nakakainis lang, namatay na nga yung tao, pinipilit pa nilang bastusin at di irespeto dahil lang sa paniniwala nila. 30 years old na namatay kuya ko, may sarili na siyang desisyon nung mga time na yun. Respeto man lang sana.

Nakakainis lang.

Im in a relationship for two years now and may anak boyfriend /fiancee ko, wala na yung baby mama dahil iniwan sila baby pa lang yung bata para sa ibang lalaki and since then di naman naghabol or di nag effort mag reach out yung mama ng bata so all good kami sa part na yon. And dilemma ko is, tita tawag sakin ng bata, yumayakap sya, nag iilove you din and thank you, nagsasabi din sya ng i miss you pag di ako nakakadalaw sa kanila. 9yrs old na yung bata. Pag tinuturuan sya ng mga tita nya or lola, lolo na itawag sakin is “mommy” ayaw daw nya, tita lang gusto nya. For two years, okay naman na talaga sakin yon, masaya ako na malambing yung bata sakin and nakakapag provide kami sa kanya. Healthy sya, and walang reklamo mga teachers nya so far. Since nagre ready kami sa kasal ni fiancee medyo diko ma feel yung excitement kase feeling ko may kulang which is yung matanggap na ako ng bata. Ewan ko pero diko na alam ano gagawin ko para tanggapin ako. Medyo spoiled na sya sakin, pag pagagalitan sya ng daddy nya sakin sya tatakbo pag may gusto sakin lalapit pag may mga kwento sya sakin din una nya sasabihin. Okay relationship namin pero bakit kaya di nya ako matawah na mommy? Dapat ba wag na ako umasa? Am i asking for too much? Im longing to be a mom kase aa edad ko malabo na ako magka anak so i want my full attention and love sa kanya ko na ibuhos, kaya lang minsan pag naririnig ko na sasabihin nyang ayaw nya na mommy ako tita lang daw may kirot kahit tumatawa ako. Diko masabi naman sa mga tita nya na wag na ipilit or i open yung topic na yon dahil alam ko wala naman silang masamang gusto na sabihin or parating. Diko lang masyado ma enjoy yung wedding prep kase gusto ko sana tangggap na ako ng bata. Maarte lang din siguro ako or ambisyosa pero nasasaktan ako talaga and minsan uwing uwi na ko samin para lang umiyal dahil don.

Ang mahal mabuhay ngayong inflation

Grabe lang this month is the peak this year

How r u guys coping

D ko na alam

Parang ang dami ko nang tinipid tapos need pang mas maghigpit ng sinturon

Pero parang life goes on lang sa labas

It's been over a month...

When I'm at work, I'm okay. When I'm with my family, I'm okay. When I am with my friends, I am okay. But when I am alone, that's when memories of you creeps in. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night or at dawn, that's when I think of you the most even if I don't want to. In the quiet moments, I still think of you. A month of no notification from you. No good morning and good night chats. No more game invites from you. No more updates on what you are watching or what you are doing. And it makes me sad. I don't want to be sad anymore.

I don't know when this longing will be over. I hate this feeling and I hope, really hope this too shall pass.

After a year of trying in working sa ibang bansa, I went back home last year to Ph to pursue and thrive. I want to give PH a chance despite of everything that is going around.

Hindi ako masaya sa naging work ko dito, este hindi ako naging masaya sa nakasama ko sa work. Grabe yung manipulation ni Kabayan to the point na hindi ako nakakatulog ng maayos at talagang ina anxiety ako everytime nasa office ako with her. Hinihiling ko pa lagi na sana may mangyari sa aking masama just not to work with her. My boss is great though, pero alam kong pag nag sumbong ako mas may edge pa din sa kabayan.

Anyway... I tried looking for a job sa PH but grabe yung rejectionSSSS. To the point na I was willing to start with 20k again para makapag simula lang ulit. It took me 6 months to have a wake up call na pucha ano bang gusto nila??? Hahaha

My mom out of nowhere insisted me to come back again abroad. Ayoko nung una pero practical na talaga. Gusto ko na mabili yung luho ko at naubos ko na ipon ko.

I came back... and it took me a month lang. 1 month at nagka work na ako!!!!!

It's too early for me to say this but 1 month and counting na ako dito sa company. Ang bait ng senior ko na ibang lahi. Mas may patience siya to guide me. Nakakatulog na din ako at mas excited akong pumasok kasi alam kong may matutunan ako.

Ito yung pinagdasal ko na mapunta ako sa mabait na senior. 🥺🥺🥺

Grabe talaga si Lord pag alam niyang kung para saan ka talaga. No kung no eh. 😭

Gusto ko lang ishare kasi grabe yung pinagdaan ko sa PH and want to let you guys know na meron at meron pa ring pag-asa.

JOB DUST FOR EVERYONE LOOKING!!!!! ✨️✨️✨️

I know that I have so much love and have so much capability to love someone but I don't think I can be in a relationship anymore. I don't think I will ever be someone who can give myself fully to someone again. I'm nearing my mid 30s, I always wanted to be a dad, to have a family, to give all my love to my future wife and kids but sadly, I think that it isn't something for me anymore.

I lost the girl I always thought I would spend my life with. She betrayed me for 3 years, gaslit me and blamed me by telling me I'm toxic, I'm insecure, by threatening to break up.

She never proved what the extent of her betrayal was, she trickled truth me for months and months. She continued to lie for weeks about different matters aside from her cheating.

I only had two long relationships, sadly both my partners cheated on me.

Being cheated on takes something inside you that you know you won't be able to rebuild again. You lose the capability to be at peace, to be trusting, to not worry if you'll be hurt again.

Sadly, I can never give all this love again. I can never give myself again. I can never trust anyone again.

Has anyone ever felt like they're running out of time? I want to let this out because I honestly don't have anyone I can comfortably talk to about these things. I hope this stays here. I'm sorry if this seems like a small or unimportant problem to some people, but I just need somewhere to let everything out because I've been keeping so much to myself.

I graduated a few months ago, but I'm still unemployed. I've been in Cebu for almost eight months now, living with a relative. I'm from somewhere in the Visayas where job opportunities are very limited, which is one of the reasons I came here.

I've been helping at my relative's store while looking for work. There's nothing wrong with being a tindera, and I don't look down on that kind of job. Work is work, and I respect anyone who earns honestly. But sometimes, I can't help feeling disappointed in myself. I graduated, and I had dreams for myself and my family, yet here I am, still trying to figure out how to get my life started. I feel useless sometimes, like I'm just taking up space, even when I'm trying my best to help where I can.

I'm not saying I'm above any job. I'm just hoping to find something where I can grow, use what I studied, and eventually become independent.

Breadwinner ako kahit wala pa akong stable job. I don't have parents to depend on, and I want to help my grandparents and siblings. Gusto ko rin naman maranasan na ako naman yung makakatulong sa kanila, hindi yung lagi na lang akong nangangarap na balang araw magiging okay din ang lahat. I want to be someone they can depend on. That's one of the reasons I keep trying, even when I'm already exhausted.

I've applied for office jobs online, sent emails, walked into establishments to submit my resume and asked if they're hiring. Sometimes I can't even use certain job applications because my phone is too old. I also tried applying sa BPO companies here in Cebu, pero rejected. I know my communication skills are not that good, especially when speaking English. I stutter, I get nervous, and sometimes I can't express what I really want to say. Alam ko naman na kailangan ko pang mag-improve, and I'm willing to learn. Pero ang sakit lang kasi sometimes I feel like people judge me based on how I speak, without even knowing what I can do if someone gives me a chance.

I thought graduating would make life a little easier. I worked hard in college, became a scholar, and kept going even when things weren't easy. I know I didn't get through all those years just to give up on myself. I know I can learn if someone gives me a chance. But lately, I'm starting to question everything.

A customer once joked that I was "not hireable." I laughed with at the time, but honestly, that comment stayed with me. What if they're right? What if I'm not good enough? I know I shouldn't let one person's words define me, but it's hard not to think about them when application after application leads nowhere.

Sometimes people tell me I should be grateful, or that I should just accept a low-paying job. I understand that I need to start somewhere. I'm not expecting to become successful overnight. But I also want to earn enough to live independently, help my family, and have a place where I can feel comfortable without worrying about being judged, insulted, or made to feel like a burden. Is it wrong to want that kind of life?

Living with relatives is different from living with your own family. Even when nobody says anything directly, sometimes you become so conscious of your presence that you start feeling like you don't belong. You learn to laugh things off, even when they hurt. You keep things to yourself because you don't want to seem ungrateful.

And then I look at other people my age, and I wonder why life seems to be moving for them while I'm still standing in the same place. Why wasn't I born into a family that could give me a little more of a head start? Why does everything have to be so difficult? Why do I keep feeling like I'm not as capable as everyone else?

I even want to try working from home, but I don't have a laptop to start with. Sometimes it feels like I need resources just to get the opportunities that could help me earn those same resources.

I've been praying, too. Sometimes I ask God why life has to be this hard for me. Bakit parang ang hirap maging mahirap? nauubos na ako kasi. And sorry , Lord : ( I'm not asking for a perfect life. Gusto ko lang naman ng chance. A chance to work, to learn, to help my family, and to prove to myself na may kaya rin akong gawin. I keep asking Him why life has to be this cruel sometimes, why I have to struggle so much just to have a chance at a decent life. I know other people have their own battles, and I'm not saying my problems are greater than theirs. I'm just tired of pretending that I'm okay.

I'm still young, but I feel like I'm running out of time. I want to help my grandparents while they're still here. I want to give back to the people who raised me. I want to stop worrying about money and stop feeling insecure about where I live or how people see me. I want to be independent. I want to prove to myself that I'm capable of something.

I keep walking in, submitting resumes, asking if there are vacancies, and trying again. Every time I do it, I carry a little hope with me. And every time nothing happens, I go home feeling a little heavier.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong anymore. Maybe I still have a lot to learn. Maybe I need more time. But sometimes I'm so tired that I wonder how much longer I can keep feeling this way.

I don't need anyone to tell me that everything happens for a reason or that I should simply be patient. I know life doesn't owe me anything. I just wish things didn't have to feel this hard all the time.

I'm tired. Sobrang pagod na akong mag-isip. I don't want to give up on myself, pero there are days when I honestly don't know how to keep going with the same hope.

I just needed to let this out. I'm tired.

So HAHAHA pauwi na me sempre mode of transportation ko is jeep and uv. Kakaout ko lang office and pasakay ng jeep. Mga sisteret ko, so syempre hahakbang ka bago makapasok jeep diba. Yung isang leg ko andon na, biglang umabante. Teh, di lang abante, harurot. So di ko nalabance self ko kasi teh di ako kasing stronk like guys. Then shalala, so umabante mga 3 seconds na mabilis. Nabitawan ko. Never ko narinig sarili ko tumili nang pang babae. As in tiling pang girly ako. Then beh, napadapa na ako sa harap ng mangsasakay. Tumigil naman si jeep di raw niya ako nakita sumasalay

So sa hiya ni ate niyo kasi dami tao sumakay na ako sa jeep. Nag sorry naman si wife and I said, "Okay lang po!" Then abot bayad.

TEH WALA LANG NAKAKAHIYA PALA MADISGRASYA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA.

Gabe it stings talaga minsan kasi talagang oily skin ko. Tapos itong boss ko habang nag-uusap kaming mga babae, di pa pala nakamove on dun sa checklist ko dati before ako maregular.

Backstory: May 2 checklists kasi nung period na probi ako, 1 yung for work operations and 2 yung sa grooming. Yung sa grooming mga simple lang yon as in if nakamakeup ba ako or if nagsusuot ba ko id, nakauniform ba etc.

Sabi niya ako na raw maggrade sa self ko hahaha so ang ginawa dahil nagmamadali na kami non, pinerfect ko, as in 100% huhu di ko naman alam na seseryosohin niya pala. Nainis daw siya. Tapos kagabi napaalala ko na may checklist ulit ako kasi nag-iba ulit ako role sa work so may grading sheet ulit me pero wala na yung sa grooming (habang nagssmalltalk kami nung mga new hires kasama siya at yung bisor puro kami gurls) Sabi ba naman, biglang inungkat, di exactly to pero eto..

"Oh *name ko* ikaw yan na naman may grading sheet ka na naman. Ayusin mo baka madaliin mo na naman kami. Akalain mo itong babaeng to (nagsshare na siya sa iba) pinerfect yung grade niya, dun sa grooming, akala mo naman talagang malinis eh (inulit niya pa yan haha)

(Tapos nagreact yung isang new hire nga eh, grabe naman Ma'am ang sabi)

Kasi nagsting lang dahil struggle ko talaga oily skin, saka may pimples ako lalo na ngayon may dark spots pa then ang buhok ko pa di ko talaga alam if lalambot pa kaya nga nagpagupit na ko maikli. Pero kasi boss ko parang inis na inis sa mukha ko? Sa totoo lang haha grabe, iniisip ko yong sinabi niya until now. Tingin ko kasi talaga sa face ko is maasim na nga hahaha tapos ginanon pa huhu may right evenue naman sana sa gano'ng call out ng boss di ba, wag naman sana sa kami-kami pang mga babae. Mukha naman kasi silang mga ulikba, lamang lang sila ng kinis eme 😭😭

Known naman sa amin na maarte yung boss namin plus may pagka-mapanglait. Gusto niya mabango, maayos ganyan pero grabe talaga kasi inaayos ko naman sarili ko, saka if nakikita ko naman ibang kasama ko, hindi talaga sila gaanong nag-aayos but if maccompare mo talaga, medyo put up together silang tingnan kasi nga nabiyayaan ng magandang buhok plus walang acne. Ako kasi tingin ko talaga kahit di pa siya nagsasalita, mukha akong madungis, which is di ko makontrol medyo kasi nga talagang may acne pa rin eh 😭😭 ang mahal na ng binili kong mga gamot. Kaya nga magpapaderma ako noon ko pa pinaplano. Pero grabe talaga yung boss ko na yon to exert yung pagiging superior niya. Sabi talaga, akala mo naman kung sinong malinis, ang dating kasi sa akin, kahit anong effort ko ng pag-aayos, mukha pa rin akong ulikba haha

Yung visor ko nga naramdaman siguro na grabe naman yung boss ko, ang dagdag ba naman niya, oo kasi ma'am yung araw minsan wala siyang lipstick (dinaan na lang sa lipstick) pero I know sa self ko, yung overall appearance ko yung tinatarget ni boss

We sent out invites for our son's baptism. Gets naman yung mga nagche-check pa ng schedule, lalo na dito sa abroad na hindi fixed ang weekend off. No problem with that.

Ang nakakainis lang yung mga ise-seen ka lang, walang reply. O kaya mag-yes tapos hindi sisipot sa actual day, walang pasabi. Akala mo confirmed booking, yun pala free trial. 😂

Hindi naman required umattend just because invited ka. If you can't make it, okay lang naman. We're not collecting attendance fees. It's just basic courtesy, lalo na't may effort, budget, at planning din behind these events.

We cut off some people like this after our wedding, and honestly, iba lang din siguro perspective namin since we're raising our son abroad, malayo sa family. These milestones mean a lot to us, kaya ini-invite namin yung mga taong special sa buhay namin.

Anyway, rant lang. Normal na ba talaga 'to ngayon, or malas lang kami sa mga ini-invite? Hahaha.

Last na 'to, pramis. Sa mga susunod na birthdays namin, magta-travel na lang kaming family. At least walang RSVP, walang no-show. Kami-kami na lang. 😂✈️

Dear Cookie,

Two weeks since we said goodnight. Today also marks the first day I haven't cried for you. We got you back last week, day after my birthday.

Daddy and I spent a lot of time fixing up your little corner in my bookshelf. We bought a display case, sorry ginawa ka naming popmart toy hehe, pero yun yung sumakto sa needs namin (alam mo naman maliligalig mga kapatid mo).

"Sama-sama na tayo ulit", sabi ni Daddy mo. Somehow, that broke and healed me all at once.

Your tiny corner is so cute. Small urn, your whiskers, your dino onesie, paw print, and your fur samples that the funeral home took so much care to arrange, making it look like your actual paw. Fairy lights!

Thank you for the birthday gift, you actually came into my dreams. Twice pa nga in this past week. Napanaginipan ka din daw ni Daddy. We miss you everyday. I wish we had more time. I wish I could still say I have five cats. Saying four feels... wrong.

Maghike kami ulit ni Daddy this Sunday, carrying you in our hearts every step of the way, and along with every other ache we've been carrying this past few months.

Always thinking of you, Fatboi.

Good night, Cookie. We love you forever.

Love,

Mommy

hi offmychestph, it's me again. nag ppms lang ako and currently, i don't really have anyone to talk to so dito na lang ako maglalabas ng sama ng loob uli.

ang dami kong nababasa na nagsasabing di naman karera ang buhay pero bat ganun, feel ko napag-iwanan na ko?

growing up, i feel like hindi ko na experience yung mga bagay na na-experience ng iba. yung tipong may mag aaya na lang sayo tapos mag party party kayo ng friends mo, or may mag aaya mag hiking, or yung tipong nakaka labas ka at nagagawa mo gusto mo kasi may financial freedom ka to do so. hindi kasi ako pinayagan mag work as a sideline nung nag aaral ako, focus lang daw ako sa studies ko, and sure enough — naka graduate naman ako with latin honors. pero alam niyo yun? hanggang ngayon dinadamdam ko pa rin ng todo yung feeling na ang dami kong namiss out sa buhay. ang dami kong hindi na experience dahil lagi na lang ako nag titipid, lagi na lang ako mindful of my own expenses kasi limited lang din binibigay sakin na allowance.

next week monday, birthday ko na, pero feel ko iiyak lang ako kasi hindi ko nanaman magagawa mga gusto kong gawin

Sirang sira na mental health ko dahil sa kagagawan ng Manager namin na walang ka concern concern sa mga taong di nya gusto!

Isipin mo 24x7 NOC yung trabaho namin pero most of the time solo kami nagduduty ng 12 hours per DAY!!! Yung headcount namin dati 8 kasi tig dadalawa sa shift para backup system pero ngayon 6 na lang kami at wala syang planong asikasuhin yung additional headcount na matagal na naming nirerequest pero pag mga next level NOC namin na hindi naman ganun katindi yung workload hire sya ng hire. Kung tutuusin dapat nga 3 or 4 kami sa shift kung gusto nya ng maayos na maayos na trabaho dahil kung dalawa lang kami on an ideal shift sa mundo nya, pag nag sick leave or VL yung isa pilay agad yung operations namin. Pero sa mundo nya ninormalize nya SOLO ka ng 12 hours night shift pa!!!!!

Sassbihin nya pa na wala daw budget kaya di kami madagdagan pero yung next level NOC kada buwan may bagong mga hire!

Ang masaklap pa kami lang yung nagrorotation sa night shift samantalang yung mga alaga nya naka permanent morning shift. Eh nasa night shift nga yung workload kasi yun yung Morning ng client namin. Sasarap ng buhay!!!

Sobrang sirang sira na yung mental health ko kakaduty magisa ng 12 hours ng walang katulong. Sasabihan ka pa na limitahan mo lang yung break mo kesyo ganito ganyan na para bang krimen pag nagbreak ka!

Tapos galit na galit sya agad pag may nalate lang kami gawain sa task or pag nagkamali kami, eh pano mo nga magagawa on time at ng tama parati kung salo mo lahat ng workload at wala kang katulong. Nagkakandaletse letse yung gawa namin dahil sa dami ng volume versus 1 tao.

Parang tanga lang. San ka nakakita ng business na solo tao mo pero 24x7 NOC operations ang trabaho. International client pa yan!!! Parang di nag-iisip!!!

Di nya ba naisip na pag may lapses kami dahil sa pagiging solo shift namin eh mayayari kami sa client???? Dko alam kung bakit ayaw nya magdagdag ng tao sa level namin eh kung tutuusin yung mga hinahire nya sa next level samin eh mga 6 digits na! Ibig sabihin may BUDGET yung company!!!! Ayaw nya lang asikasuhin yung sa amin. Wala kasi syang pakealam kasi least favorite nya kami sa lahat ng hawak nya. Napakababa ng tingin nya samin palibahasa!!!!!!

Gigil na gigil ako sa kanya!!!!! Sobrang sakit ng ulo ko OTY pa ko kakasolo shift ko

dumaan sa feed ko yung video ni dr. kilimangaru about sa kung paano makaalis sa “survival mode” and one of his main points dun is kailangan mo gumawa ng paraan na i-drop yung mga bagay nagho-hold back sayo.

sounds easy right?

pero paano kung di ko naman kontrolado yung sitwasyon?

nakakapagod na rin minsan. i’m already 26 years old, and until now hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong path ba dapat yung tahakin ko. parang lagi akong naghahabol. di ko alam kung tamad ba ko, hindi ba enough yung skills ko, or sadyang ginagago lang ako ng mundo hahaha. it’s been 10 months since I was laid off from my full time job, and since then parang lagi akong nasa “survival mode”.

i work as a freelancer/business owner. nagkakaroon ng clients every now and then, pero wala pa rin akong nahahanap na full time until now, and hindi rin ako makapag-full time dahil sa sitwasyon ng family namin ngayon.

my mom has cancer, stage 4. ako lang yung inaasahan sa pamilya namin maglakad lagi ng papeles niya for medicine and other procedures niya. i mean, wala naman sa akin yun, ayos lang kahit ilang beses akong naglalakad every month para sa gamot niya, pero ayun dahil doon I need to sacrifice my career (which I’m not sure if career nga bang matatawag) and shift into a more flexible setup. hindi ako makapag-full time dahil most likely matatanggal din ako kung madalas akong mag-aabsent para maglakad ng papers niya. thankfully naman, kahit papaano may freelance projects ako na totally flexible kasi nga project-based lang naman. unlike pag nag-full time ako, mas hindi ko matutukan and maasikaso yung gamot ng mom ko kung sakali.

i don’t want to make it like an excuse and to sound na parang sinisisi ko yung sitwasyon pero, minsan napapaisip lang ako kung hanggang kailan ako ganito. ngayon, napapaisip na naman ako kung saan ako kukuha ng income for november. yung next client payment ko kasi most likely december ko pa makukuha. tapos after non, panibagong hanap ulit. i mean, mahal ko naman yung ginagawa ko. pero pakiramdam ko lang i can do so much more sana kung di lang napunta sa akin tong responsibility na to. but then, family comes first naman always, and ok na rin siguro na na lay-off ako nung january kasi mas nakapagfocus ako sa mga needs ng mom ko. sinabi ko rin na what if mag-abroad nalang muna ako or sumampa sa barko para mas makatulong sa finances, sabi niya wag na daw muna. kasi ok pa naman kami, and tbf mas ok din naman yun kasi ayoko na umalis ako tapos umabot sa point na di ko na makikita yung mom ko pag-uwi.

ayun. gusto ko lang ilabas dito kasi ayoko rin naman na ‘to i-dump sa ibang tao dahil masyado ring mabigat. gusto ko na makaalis sa ganitong sitwasyon. kung may ganito rin na similar na situation sakin, sana malampasan natin to.

My feelings center so much around self-shame, inferiority, and a heavy amount of guilt and regret. I didn't get to experience the canonical “female” events (like having a period around that same age range, sharing makeup and clothes, giving tips and whatnot, etc) that almost all girls, if not every girl in my life, got to go through. Not that it is anyone else's fault, it was my mistake for being obese, and due to being bullied at school for looking too much like a man, ostracized, and then pressured into actually identifying as one, I struggled to change for years. Having this male persona where I practically took everything like how a “real man should and would” made me insensitive to insult, assault, and situations which should've required the normal person to be angry or in grief about. I had videos and pictures taken of me that most likely still floats around group chats I know nothing of. I am probably still being talked about by the same seniors who used to humiliate me (and once again, took video/s of) and my partner during ballroom practices—maybe even the subject of gossip by my previous teachers at their workplace. I wonder if they repeat the same verbal violence they once spoke to me every hour, every minute of day to someone who carries my exact shadow. No matter what I do, even though I've lost weight, it still follows me like skeletons hidden in the closet. Those toxic, no, abusive friendships? Nothing more than just teens being teens, nothing for me to be traumatized about. Being dragged around like that, subjected to (mild, anyway) physical pain, isolated by my own peers, doing things out of my own will, having to just accept where they touched me, how they talked to me, the things they made me do, say and, act—everything's glossed over; I'm forgotten, like a breeze you'd think for a moment was refreshing, before it passes by through you.

How do I even explain this? Being a man feels like a societal expectation. It's what people have asked from me this entire time. It is a role I've perfectly embodied, blueprinted, and acted out in timely likeness. After assuming this false identity, I had never felt emotions ever again. I didn't know how to be anything else but consistently happy. Even when I was disassociating, even when my amnesia got so severe, I still get small chunks of memory till this day, even when I coped by wallowing it all down and choosing to forget myself. When I had crushes, I would get sick for months, refusing to acknowledge my feelings, and would wake up in persistent disgust. I had to remind and teach myself how to smile. I had no real humor, no real interests, no real hobbies, so I was the perfect vessel for projection. I wasn't a being that could change. I was not human. Therefore, I was incapable of pain.

Compared to that, being a woman feels like a biological assignment—like a prophecy bestowed, a calling I should've answered long ago. It's not as though being a girl was ever good for me either. I went through worst when I 'used' to be a girl as a child, up until my tween years before these incidents. But now, want to be a woman. But I can't be, because I'm already a man. But how could I be a woman, even so more hold the desire to be one, when a man is all I've ever been? But I can't be a man anymore, because now that I've lost all that weight, people expect me to be more of a woman. Then who even am I? It's like two black holes competing as to who can swallow the other first. I cannot live without being a man. But I also cannot live without being a woman. And in truth, I cannot live with both. I don't know who I am anymore.

Today's my birthday, I honestly don’t even feel like celebrating my birthday. I just want to treat it like any other day and continue working in the office as usual.

I think it started back in college when I became a workaholic because of my commitments to student organizations. Every October, there would be an important institutional event at my university, and I always played a significant role in making it happen. Eventually, I got so used to prioritizing work, responsibilities, and everyone else’s needs that celebrating my own birthday became an afterthought.

A lot has happened this year, too. I've been exhausted since August, when our department turned upside down. There's been so much to adjust to, and honestly, I just want some peace in my life. I don't want any drama, but somehow, it always finds its way to me. Add personal problems to the mix, and this October has been particularly difficult. I've found myself spiraling and falling back into self-sabotaging habits, and I'm honestly just tired but still functioning.

I even cancelled a dinner date my girlfriend had planned because I wanted to spend my weekend focusing on my report for my master’s class and her budget got tight 'coz something came up in her home.

Then, a coworker found out that my birthday is this Friday and suggested that we organize a potluck at the office since her birthday is also coming up the following week, although she had already filed for PTO next Friday (her birthday). I agreed, and a few days later, after I had already ordered food for the potluck, she suddenly backed out because she decided she'd rather celebrate during her own birthday week.

Now I'm stuck preparing a birthday potluck on my own for something I didn't even want to celebrate in the first place. I was perfectly fine spending my birthday like any other ordinary workday, nobody even knew my birthday is coming up, but somehow, I ended up organizing a celebration I never even planned for myself.

At this point, I don't even know if I genuinely don't care about celebrating my birthday anymore or if I'm just too exhausted to make a big deal out of it. Maybe I've spent so much of my life being the person who makes things happen for everyone else that I've forgotten how to make space for myself.

I don't want grand celebrations or anything extravagant. I just want to get through this year with a little less stress, a little more peace, and the chance to breathe without feeling like I have to deal with another problem. For once, I just want things to be okay.