For those here who have been living or did live with chronic depression - I’m talking at least 15 years - What has actually significantly helped you, even healed you??
I’m after book recommendations in particular, but am open to any advice or recommendations.

For context, I have had depression for 20 years. I have seen 20+ therapists, tried 9 medications, tried ketamine therapy, exercise, meditation, diet and lifestyle changes, read countless self-help books, etc. So far, all of this has only tinkered at the edges and the depression has persisted.
Needless to say, I’m pretty desperate.

I received a notice this morning that my apartment would be inspected in a few days (I'm not sure exactly when) so I decided to sorta clean my apartment so it looked presentable. It took a while since there was a lot of trash to pick up. I didn't deep clean or anything, just picked up the trash, washed my laundry, kinda cleaned my shower (it was really dirty), and vacuumed. I wish I had the motivation to do a little more but I'm too tired already and my body hurts (I'm really weak and haven't eaten today lol). I'm also grossed out by how dirty my shower was. I don't usually see the grime because I don't wear my glasses. I heard that they were gonna be doing a more thorough inspection like checking sinks, refrigerators, doors, windows, etc. I hope they don't try to look in my closet because it's full of random stuff like my belongings that were lying around plus multiples nooses...

I’ve been going to college and moving back into a house that was upgraded after flooding it’s a long story, but I’ve had a lot of conflicts and I was wondering if depression makes your reality seem worse than it is or if I really hate it this much? Does anyone know how to tell?

I don't know if this is the right place to ask for help. It's just that I am suffering from depression and, worst of all, phone addiction. I don't have the guts to ask for help from someone I know. I will ask for help from a therapist, but for some personal reasons, I can't go immediately I just need someone with whom I can be honest and someone who can push me. It isn't necessarily required to be a professional.

The main things that keep me suicidal and depressed are being heartbroken for 9 months without an end in sight + wanting a partner who is supportive and getting some actual friends.

Problem is. I've been bullied and made fun of my whole life and I got no social skills and am scared of hurting anyone.

I’m am just in my second year of high school and I cannot explain or express how to me it’s so pointless to do. No, I’m not saying I’m going to do something to myself harmful but I don’t see the point of continuing to do school if I’m going to end up in a grave someday. I don’t see the point especially because I’ve been help a lot when it comes to mental stuff and I still seem to be taking advantage of it without meaning to. I did public school and failed (I didn’t go for 2 months and yet still passed.) I’m doing online school now and I’m really far behind. I thought it’d be kinda easy to catch up but now I’m slumped again and can’t force myself to work. My mom told me that all the school staff wanted to pull me out cause they believe I can’t do it. However, I was sent a message from one of them who didn’t believe in me at all a schedule that said read at the end ‘I believe you can do this!’ Which now I know isn’t true. To me, it’s my fault and I’m not sorry for myself at all. I want to drop out but if I do my mom wants to send me somewhere for mental health and school? So I’m stuck regardless. I’ve cried a lot because of it, one thing I know is when school starts I’m usually an A student and quickly become burnt. I’m asked from homeschool but only have gotten online courses which have made me burnt so quickly and it’s embarrassing. If I don’t pass which I kinda know I won’t, I’ll be forced back into public school. I know it’s bad for me if I do because the first time I went, I had mental break downs in front of my teachers and other students, full on shutting down or crying till I threw up or went home. I cannot tell if I’m sorry for myself and pretending, not actually trying and I’m lying when I say I am, or just some teen boy who ‘emo’.

[Condensed]

The cortex and the amygdala. How do they tie in with serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine? Are my neural pathways wired wrong? Where's the damn neuroplasticity kicking in to rewire things and get me back to baseline?

I've been struggling for two weeks after years of stability. Anxiety, depression, the whole shebang. I'm on day 11 of slowly increasing a medication I'd been taking at the same dose for years.

I'm constantly battling my body, thoughts, and especially the involuntary symptoms. They keep changing, but the underlying discomfort stays. Is it the flare-up, medication activation, or both?

I'm sick and exhausted. Comfort is few and far between. I'm angry, hopeless, ready to break down crying (which I already have). How much patience am I supposed to have? Some days I push through. Today I couldn't. Stay in bed. Dwell. Recuperate. Run down the clock. Wait for another dose and for my brain to learn I'm safe.

I picked up Rewiring Your Anxious Brain, plus a few others. How the hell I'll read them, I don't know. I've never been a book person, and I can barely concentrate. But I learned about the amygdala and cortex.

Maybe they explain the panic, impending doom, existential dread, and why my head and body feel so off. Fight-or-flight-or-freeze, breathing issues, stomach problems, no appetite, hypervigilance, rumination. Scatterbrained, yet laser-focused on myself. Perpetual mental and physical unease.

But what about depression? How are they so intertwined? Does overwhelming anxiety throw other brain chemicals out of balance? What came first, the chicken or the egg? Either way, screw them both.

I have a small prescription for benzos "as needed." Ha. I've felt like I've needed one for two weeks straight. I've saved them for worst cases, worried about dependence and tolerance, but also because I've been told accepting the discomfort instead of fighting it is how you move forward.

Fine for anxiety, but what about the sadness, intrusive thoughts, apathy, and not wanting to do or see anyone? There's barely any joy. Everything simple is a chore; everything difficult feels insurmountable. Anxiety makes it worse.

Sometimes I get absorbed in work, emails, or a show and, for a few minutes, forget to monitor myself. Those breaks are rare but nice. Then my attention turns inward, hypervigilance returns, symptoms intensify, and the cycle starts again.

Seeing homeless people with severe mental health struggles makes me feel guilty for complaining, but also terrified I'm one spiral away from being there myself. Like my brain could take me there involuntarily. Reddit's similar: I come for support and find people in darker places. Mental health scares the shit out of me. It's a living nightmare, praying the worst is behind me and not still coming, navigating this storm alone.

There's anxiety I can consciously manage, and then there's the involuntary physical and mental stuff that happens no matter what. I want to get better, but my effing brain feels broken.

When will I feel normal again? When will the anxiety headache, bad thoughts, chest tightness and unease end? When does the joy return? When can I lie in bed and actually relax, or sit at work without feeling like I'm losing my mind?

I'm not comfortable anywhere. Home, work, even trying to relax. I just want to feel like myself again. Holy shit, it's difficult.

When does it get better?

I feel like I've been patient enough.

i’m just so tired. i can’t get my life in order. going out (except to meet friends) is such a massive effort. i haven’t reached 10k steps in a lifetime. i don’t work out. i feel like im decreasing in beauty in general but unmotivated to put myself together and look nice (im 27F).

im unable to show up for myself for anything. even at work (i work as a freelancer so only a few hours a week) its so so hard to do anything and not miss deadlines and do a good job.

i moved from the us back to my home county in august after a breakup in may. i’m still not over. i moved to the us to do my masters and now im unhappy with my work, cannot find strength to look for new jobs, im not confident that im good at what i do, im in huge debt & im broke AS FUCK. plus i fucking hate my career path omg.

i cant talk to anyone about this anymore. i don’t know how to be happy or act like a functional human being.

my biggest dream in life is to find someone that just understands me and takes care of me (especially mentally), and helps me get back on track. a lot of people find that sad and maybe it is but it’s TRUE. but i don’t think that exists anymore?!?? seeing how the world is nowadays it seems that the genders hate each other. i don’t know what happened it’s so sad. like im sorry that i only have love to bring to the table?

anyways sorry for the gigantic rant but what can i do? like seriously please

Back in high school, I went through periods of not attending classes but still managed to graduate. I took a gap year before college because I was struggling mentally and financially.
Afterwards I received a scholarship to study in another country, but I need to achieve a specific proficiency level to continue my education. I started learning the language from zero less than a year ago, and now, with my last chance coming up in November, I’m still struggling.
I asked for advice, but someone told me I had a whole year to prepare, was young and childless, and only needed to focus on Korean. They even compared me to someone they know who achieved the needed level despite working and raising a child/someone that had a worse condition than me.It hurt because they didn’t know what I was going through, but it also made me wonder if I’m just making excuses for my own laziness.
I’ve started accepting that I will fail, return to my country, and go straight to work since my family is still struggling financially. I’ve already talked to my parents about it, but honestly, I’m not doing well emotionally because I know ill be a shame and a disgrace. Honestly, it feels better to die than go back as a failure but I wouldn’t want them to hear such news… so
How do I come to terms with this possibility? ☹️