I already experience this enough with people who are “close” to me in my personal life, given that I have no friends.

I get so depressed

sorry, English is not my native language

hello everyone! i’m looking to hear any stories on how it went to come off medication safely, which is my plan. after 2 years of trying different medications, i really just want to get off of them and try being without them due to all the side effects ive been having to go thru. i am BP2. what habits have you picked up that has helped you manage while unmedicated?

Hi all!

What are some songs that encapsulate life w/Bipolar for you or represent it to you?

For me, I've associated "People Watching" by Sam Fender, initially because I discovered it on the radio during a Manic episode when I would go driving alone aimlessly for hours without telling anyone where I was going, music blaring, windows down, down the streets of the city I was living in, sometimes at night. There's a drive to the song that evokes the energy of Mania for me, because as chaotic as it is in actuality, it isn't chaotic at all for me in the moment, it's just reality. "I can't stop running".

There's a melancholic, pensive sense of decay and impending loss lyrically that speaks to the darkness or Depressive, self-destructive side of my Bipolar, especially when it's occurred in a mixed episode in tandem with the (hypo)manic high that feels like a roller coaster I can barely cling on to. And while it also speaks to the fact that I am on the Autism Spectrum and have always felt a sense of disconnection or delay between myself and everyone and everything around me, just the idea of people watching speaks to the immense disconnection and "derangement" I've experienced before. People have no idea what's going on when they look at me. And hey, I have absolutely no idea what could be going on behind those eyes or in that heart or soul across from me. "Somebody's darling's on the streets tonight."

Ultimately, however, there's a spirit of perseverance, of choosing to hold love and the ones we love close, even when it means grief or heartbreak, that pierces through the song for me. Even when it hurts, it is an absolute wonder to be alive, to be me, and I hold onto that when the darkness tries its best to swallow me whole and make me do something to myself I would regret and take back if I could run back the clock. I know my uncle would if he could today. I've been too close to that edge to afford to let that God-given spirit of life and enduring for love's sake go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz3F_U5nkjw

sorry I know I've been here a bit lately.

So I have a psychology apppt today,. She knows about thew few things I've done. Last couple monthsm got onto therapwurtic level of medication yay! no more psychosis. Within the last ?month? I've overdosed (she sent me to emergency), self harmed requiring surgery (she broke confidentiality) and since another coupole of things. My concern is that if I'm honest about things in the last coule of weeks that she'll break confidentiality again.

I;ve skipped my meds three times without telling support person (taken them from him and slipped into pocket) and each time mood gone sky-high and I'e got barely any sleep but felt extremely rested. Also took some of a potent poison couple days ago.

Some friends/family members, Tho Not All, have claimed I'm some favour of manice. I think theyr exaggerating and wayy overreacting. Psychiatrist couplw weeks ago was fine w me said I was doing great and lookin happy.

If I tell psychologist abot the two para up stuff I'm concerned she'll talk to support person again. Don't want that.

Known that reasoning is combo of at times Entity suggesting/reminding/giving dosages etc. around 'risky' stuff, and the know that I'm functionally invincible.

So how do I make sure professionals know what they should know to make their assessments, but without them freaking out?

Friens yesterday also asked when I was going inpatient and it confused and annoyed me. I don't need to go inpatient I'm literaly fine and doing s well. I have energy and I'm etting stif done.

thanks for readin in advance

I know I’m only at the beginning of my journey, and I believe people when they say it gets easier, but right now I feel like I’m gnawing at the bars of my own enclosure.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I at 23, and after losing my job, I couldn’t access treatment for a few months. Eventually, I had a manic episode that almost put me in the hospital. Since then, I’ve been trying to find the right treatment, and honestly, I’m exhausted.

I want to feel stable, but some of my experiences with treatment have left me feeling restless, emotionally numb, and disconnected from myself. I’m scared of having to choose between managing my bipolar and still feeling like me.

For those of you who’ve been through this, how did you cope with the trial-and-error stage? How did you stay hopeful when finding the right treatment felt impossible?

I genuinely feel so stuck :(

I’m not sure what’s going on right now. Some things are off like overspending, being more productive, big bursts of anger/irritability, not sleeping much and increased confidence. But I don’t have euphoria or endless energy.

What bothers me most are the thoughts. I feel like certain people can read my mind. That everything is a lie. That my bipolar isn’t a thing - I just made it up. Everything is fake.

But then on the flip side, there’s something that makes me question these thoughts - they are wrong. I just created them by overthinking.

The best way I can put it is that - I think I believe the statements above, but I don’t trust them.

What is going on? Can anyone help?

This is going to be a bit long, but I have taken the latest energy I have to write all of this because I am being kicked down by depression. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder two years ago. I've been medicated until recently. I am experiencing my first seasonal depression unmedicated in a long time, and honestly, I feel... awful, not to say totally hopeless.

I am a psychology student, and I've been missing university. I can't get out of my bed, I don't shower, and let's not talk about my hair. I have curly hair, and I haven't brushed it in three weeks. I have knots; I don't know how to fix that. I don't eat, and the worst of all, I keep pushing my friends away and destroying my relationships. I don't know what to do. A friend of mine wants to help, but I am in such a miserable state that I don't want anyone to drown with me, so I've been isolating myself from everyone except my mother (my mother is the type to force her help. I am getting help without a choice. But your friends, they aren't your mothe So, it's not their responsibility to bear that, right? )

I've hurt my friends by telling them to go away and that I want to be left alone. Things they did. And now I don't know. I am alone. Guilt is eating me alive.

Now I am a Muslim, I believe in God, and it saves me from feeling totally helpless or having suicidal ideation. But I am exhausted, and my executive function is totally zero. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix myself. My relationships, I don't know how I can stop being a burden to others. I just want to know what I can do. I sleep all day, and I am offline on my socials. I just want to be heard or listened to by people with the same condition as me. I feel so alone, but it's all my fault Ive been looking for it.

Thank you for reading all of this. I just. wish for my spark. I am not someone like this I usually live, i am usually optimistic. Now it's like watching my old self from a window

I hate feeling like shit all the time. I hate having to second guess anytime I feel good. I hate having to take meds and not being stable in them yet and having the worst hair trigger mood swings I’ve ever had. I hate fighting with my wife because literally everything is pissing me off. I hate knowing that I’ll never be “normal”. Sometimes I just want to have a breakdown and not be labeled as crazy. I want the hallucinations and psychotic symptoms to stop I want my brain to be quiet for once. I never want to hear “it gets better” again because apparently it freaking doesn’t it just gets better and takes a nose dive again. I want the side effects from meds to stop interfering with my job performance and damn I just want a 3 day knockout sleep to reset

Sorry and thank you for coming to my ted talk

Ihave lived with bipolar disorder since I was 18—essentially my entire adult life—and it has been with me ever since I started dating and entering into relationships. So its already like almost 8 years.

My disease is untreated.

Every time I meet new men, they aren’t interested in me as a potential long-term partner; there’s always an ex they’re obsessed with, or some other "better" woman.

Why does this keep happening?

Is it because of my appearance?

I am a slim woman with an average-looking face (I’m not beautiful; I have an average face).

Does not having a pretty face mean I’m doomed to be alone for the rest of my life?

I feel like no one has ever truly loved me. At best, they just want to use my body for a while, or they treat me like a free therapist—crying to me about their exes.

I’m tired by it.

I don’t understand—what am I doing wrong?

My bipolar primarily manifests as dysphoric mania or mixed states, alternating with depression. Happy mania is quite rare for me.

Why am I so unlucky in love?

Is my face to blame—do men only want pretty girls?

On dating sites, I exclusively choose "average" men because my self-esteem is low, yet even they treat me poorly.

I try to avoid making prolonged eye contact with people; when I’m depressed, I feel like they’re judging my ugliness. When I’m in a manic state, I don’t want to scare them, as my gaze can be quite intense.

Do you also struggle to find luck in love, or is there something wrong with me?

I came to this sub while I was searching for the root cause of is temporary intense surge of anger or you can also call it rage that is so overwhelming that it compels to react violently - verbally or physical. The only way out seems like getting space or stepping away.

But it like a milk boiling and then given that slight increase of temperature, it is going to spill. Bloody walking time bomb is what it feels like. Hate this feeling.

After noticing it for a couple times, I began to wonder if it is rooted in self-blame or unforgivess towards onself for not knowing better?

Because the cycle is the same.

Try your best -- Being tested for your patience -- urge to give back -- something else or same original situation is testing your patience -- now we are already at level 4 out of 5, of overwhelming point --- That boiling milk is almost close to the brim --time travel initiated to all those times when your patience was taken undue advantage of and you let it happen - you must have fought back but not hard enough with all given knowledge and experience in your younger self -- Back to present -- Milk has reached the birm -- you step away -- cause otherwise -- more embarrassment - lashing out - shame -- regret-- apology and REPEAT

Long story short, my favorite person is an avoidant, and it’s been driving me insane for well over a year at this point, and it’s only recently I’ve realized that they are just avoidant and this is how they are.

On multiple occasions they have flaked on me, ghosted, and randomly vanished, and I felt like an idea generator for him and his friends, as a few times I heard he went out with friends; it was plans we made that he flaked on.

I’ve called out this behavior before and told them how I felt, and they always hit me with a simple “sorry” and “I’ll do better," but they never do. At most I get a couple weeks or a month if I’m lucky with not being avoidant before it goes back to them avoiding me.

They don’t seem to have this issue with their friends, but when it comes to me, it’s just different, and the only difference that I can see is they are friends, and I’m just their partner in the corner.

Now recently we did have a big conversation about this and other issues, and it was very productive, unlike conversations we have had in the past, but it feels like I’m at the point where I have a hard time trusting it because of how long this has been going on.

I’m tired, and I just want this feeling to go away, so any recommendations on how to detach myself without hating myself would be cool.

Title says it all. 28f with bipolar 1 with severe psychotic features. I haven’t been sleeping well so I took an extra dose of my sleeping med last night and still couldn’t sleep. I also haven’t been eating. My med dosages were recently increase. My psychiatrist did warn me that this could cause mania, and to alert her if I notice. But tbh… I don’t want to tell her, or anyone really. I’m so used to feeling like dog shit, feeling down, depressed, SI, you name it. I’d like to just experience a good feeling for a while, but I know how dangerous mania becomes. I wish mania didn’t come with a set of problems. I enjoy feeling up and alert; not a brain dead, depressed, non-functional zombie. Don’t worry as I’m going to message my psychiatrist today. Just wanted to express my emotions a little. Thanks.

As my mood swings my posts/replies can get to out there. Even with medicine. Reddit just nailed me with a warning! I was like Sorry. I am sorry but I know it can easily happen again. I wonder how many bipolar users are getting tossed off Reddit each day for failing the policies. I like Reddit I just have to try more control or make notes to triple check my posts before hitting that Post button. I already feel like I am a goner.

So, this is a pretty new experience for me and I genuinley have no idea what to pinpoint this as but it really let an imprint on me and I feel a little desperate to get some opinions on this and help me figure out what direction i should take this as.

Yesterday i was scrolling on my phone and it was either that morning or the night before i scrolled past this youtube short talking about the very last scene of the sopranos. If you have not seen it, it essentially just cuts out in the middle of a clip and that was apparently supposed to be tonys death scene.

Now i have a really weird relationship with how i feel about death, ive had suicidal tendencies before and even a couple times where i came close. I had them during manic episodes where i kept listening to the same song on repeat hoping i would be able to "go home" when i did, or ive felt obligated to out of an intense paranoia about others thoughts on me and what i needed to do to make up for just being alive, but ive also had family members ive deeply cared about die from diseases like cancer or have theyre memory kill off who they are now with dementia, along with having had moments where i was even starting to fear something happening to my fiancè once in the hospital.

So its not like im completely in the dark about why death could effect me mentally, but its moreso just how it effected me. Seeing the screen cut black and knowing that was was just, it, no scene, no screaming, no blood, just black, it felt very personal. And it feels so silly saying it out loud, but i felt like after that i kept seeing symbols of death everywhere i went. From things like youtube shorts or videos to news outlets to even things in my enviroment that could be used symbolically or give indication of it. I couldnt escape it no matter where i went. And when i went to work and clocked out, first thing i get met with is my fiancè talking about the incident in six flags Georgia and after that i really felt like something snapped. He had work later that night, so i was left to my own devices and i just sat in my room feeling so scared of my own mortality. It feels like beforehand the concept was never real, but it suddenly felt like the only real thing around me anymore. Every step i took. Every bite. Every movement or lack of was a risk of me cutting to black. I have very rarely ever had experiences like this, but yesterday felt so impactful. And it has unfortunately carried over into today. I am very desperate on a second opinion. I know ive already been having a manic episode but i cannot tell if this is just part of it or something different. Apologies for the length, tysm♡

I don't know what to do. I've been in the midst of a depressive episode and been fairly suicidal the past few days. I'm in the middle of nowhere, at least 2 hours from where I live, and I think I've talked myself down. However, the bus back doesn't come for at least 6 hours. I think I'm in a safe place now. I know I need to get help in some form, but I don't know where to go or what to say. My therapist appointment is tomorrow, but it's over 24 hours away, and I'm worried that if I wait that long, I'll brush it off as if nothing happened. What can I do in the meantime, and what should I do once I get back? Any advice or experiences would be greatly appreciated. I'm not reaching out to a support line because I've had bad experiences there in the past. Thanks

Feeling alone. Mood is better but the fatigue is kicking my ass. Tried to exercise but only managed a slow walk. I don’t know when I will feel my energy return. Could use some kind words.

I was walking to meet up with my group at the library for a project. (I had presentation yesterday and it went great). I saw a bunch of posters talking about different mental illnesses in detail (histrionic disorder, ocd, narcissistic disorder, even phobias). Then I saw Bipolar disorder. I’d say it covers this disorder clearly, what do u guys think?

I’ve been diagnosed with bp since i was in middle school, now im in my early 20s,my family has suspected that i may have bp before my diagnosis and i have always known there was something wrong with me all that emotion rollercoaster going on and the struggles with cleaning is been the most difficult problem for me untill now i mean i can handle anything but the cleaning issue was the most big challenge for me and its still going on I can’t keep my room clean and my bathroom
And when they get messy trust me its a BIG MESS
I always wonder what im gonna do if one day I needed to live with a roommate
I can’t even keep my personal hygiene clean
I go through all that in my depression episodes and they have been the longest episodes and the wildest more than my maniac ones they take over me for months
And i have a little dog i take care of his needs like food and water i walk him out usually but even tho i love him so much and he is my whole world and everything he makes me feel guilty because his living in my dirty room where i can’t even move out of bed😢 i take all my meds but also struggling with the consistency not onl with my meds but with everything
Im in so much pain i hate my depression episodes they are very strong and overwhelming

Can someone help me about if I did the right thing? About an hour ago, I had been crying uncontrollably, not breathing well etc. out of my mind. I called my dr- they can’t get me in til Wednesday.

I told work I need a leave of absence so she called me and asked what was going on. I wad crying and panicky when she called and she asked if I could elaborate and I just told her mental health problems, I did want to disclose my diagnoses.

She asked if it was something related to work and it was. It was actually the last straw before I went into this psychosis. Recently, I have done unimaginable things that I normally wouldn’t do. I don’t even want to share it’s so bad.

So this thing at work tripped the switch and she asked if it was work related and I said partially and explained what happened.

I don’t know if I should have done that or what my next step is. I’m married with kids. I plan on trying to get the mortgage on forbearance. It’s just too much.

I kicked my husband out of the house last week because I thought he was stalking me and listening to my phone calls. One example of the many things I have done recently.

Anyone go through issues with work? I’ve had 8 jobs in the past 3 years and really like this one. It’s easy and I was fine up until now.

Has anyone discovered a way to feel the excitement they used to feel without going off of their meds? I’m really thirsting for excitement in life again but I’ve just gotten my life back together from my last manic episode and for my family’s sake need to do the right thing. I feel like Plank from SpongeBob.

Caption.

This same exact doctor kept misdiagnosing me and pushed SSRI after SSRI for 2 years straight.

I’m from a European country where there’s a social security appointed one in each city territory that you can go to for free. I went to see a private one finally 4 months ago, and she’s been a godsend angel. She immediately put me on two medications which have been working amazingly.

So I went back to the free one, just to get my meds prescribed every month from now on. This can usually be down by phone, but since I haven’t been to her in months her assistant told me come in.

I tell the doctor what I’ve been diagnosed with (type 2) and my medication. She said that I look very “well dressed and good looking” (??) and that I don’t seem like someone with bipolar.

I was so shocked I couldn’t even respond, what actual fuck do you mean? Like yes I am finally functioning like normal BECAUSE of the medications.

She refused to prescribe me anything but the SSRI I was taking before my first very bad hypomanic episode. I walked out on her and simply said “thanks for nothing.” I cannot believe how or why this woman got her degree. But she shouldn’t be practicing.

The meds themselves cost like 2 euros, but I have to pay the rest of my life (rather until this bitch retires) to get them prescribed. 🤘🏻

Seen a new psychiatrist and this one told me its not bipolar because I didnt spend all my money from a loan I took out during a manic episode where I suddenly moved 200 miles away, lived out my car, tried to start my own business and then crashed and went home.

Im just tired of every psychiatrist saying something different.

had a moment with my partner the other night, and learned a lot about myself that i wasn't prepared to learn. dedicated the entire next day just to processing it all. sometimes you remember something, and then you keep remembering. and eventually, the remembering itself blurs together, and becomes an overwhelming task of its own. do i have to remember? do i get a choice?

Did anyone else have the worst nightmares while they were in psychosis, and/or post psychosis? I was afraid to fall asleep. I also had this weird fear about choking in my sleep…like I was convinced I would stop breathing. I did later find out that I was sleeping on a mattress with black mold. Could that be related?

It’s been about 4 months since I got out of psychosis and for the first time in awhile, I had a nightmare last night. When I woke up this morning, it felt distant. Like I remember during psychosis my nightmares felt tangible in some way. Anyone else experience this?