this is a very very specific question so i’m gonna post it in a couple different subs. i also wasn’t able to find anything on google about this other than links to articles about the connection between gender and mental disorders.

basically: i want to know if there is an established gender identity label that is directly related to bipolar, or at least to specifically changing mental states or disorders or something

for context, i’m non-binary, and when i first came out i was constantly moving between masculine, feminine and neutral labels right up until i got successfully diagnosed and began treatment last year. looking back my gender identity and expression was very much linked to my manic and depressive episodes; depression would make me insanely dysphoric and i would try to overcompensate with masculinity, whereas mania was almost aggressively feminine, sometimes i would even retract my coming-out because i was convinced i’d magically “gotten over it”. i never identified as gender fluid because at the time i couldn’t recognise the changing identity as being anything other than a bunch of trials and errors which each previous episode/identity just having gotten it wrong i guess.

now that i’ve been medicated for a while my gender identity is solidly non-binary. my episodes have been treated into near nonexistence which i am eternally grateful for and i have felt no pulls to masculinity or femininity in well over a year. however, it feels wrong to say that i am (or was?) gender fluid because i feel like it doesn’t align with the specific link between my bipolar and my gender, especially because now that im no longer experiencing extreme episodes my gender is flatly neutral.

i’ve talked to my psychiatrist and therapist about it and they both agree that it is pretty obvious my identity has been directly tied to my mental states in and out of episodes, especially because i developed bipolar uncommonly young, but although they said its a normal experience from what i’ve tried to find online it kinda seems like it’s probably not a common enough phenomenon to have its own label. it would be nice for me at least to have something that fits my past experiences now that i’m secure in my identity though, and microlabels can be obscure mfers so i figured it’d be worth a shot to ask.

thanks for any insight anyone might have about this.

TLDR; my gender identity has always been linked to my bipolar episodes and i’m trying to find a label more direct than “gender fluid”

I already experience this enough with people who are “close” to me in my personal life, given that I have no friends.

I get so depressed

sorry, English is not my native language

Hi all!

What are some songs that encapsulate life w/Bipolar for you or represent it to you?

For me, I've associated "People Watching" by Sam Fender, initially because I discovered it on the radio during a Manic episode when I would go driving alone aimlessly for hours without telling anyone where I was going, music blaring, windows down, down the streets of the city I was living in, sometimes at night. There's a drive to the song that evokes the energy of Mania for me, because as chaotic as it is in actuality, it isn't chaotic at all for me in the moment, it's just reality. "I can't stop running".

There's a melancholic, pensive sense of decay and impending loss lyrically that speaks to the darkness or Depressive, self-destructive side of my Bipolar, especially when it's occurred in a mixed episode in tandem with the (hypo)manic high that feels like a roller coaster I can barely cling on to. And while it also speaks to the fact that I am on the Autism Spectrum and have always felt a sense of disconnection or delay between myself and everyone and everything around me, just the idea of people watching speaks to the immense disconnection and "derangement" I've experienced before. People have no idea what's going on when they look at me. And hey, I have absolutely no idea what could be going on behind those eyes or in that heart or soul across from me. "Somebody's darling's on the streets tonight."

Ultimately, however, there's a spirit of perseverance, of choosing to hold love and the ones we love close, even when it means grief or heartbreak, that pierces through the song for me. Even when it hurts, it is an absolute wonder to be alive, to be me, and I hold onto that when the darkness tries its best to swallow me whole and make me do something to myself I would regret and take back if I could run back the clock. I know my uncle would if he could today. I've been too close to that edge to afford to let that God-given spirit of life and enduring for love's sake go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz3F_U5nkjw

Here is a compréhensive reason why we self harm

Its because our ancestors would fight and get hurt regularly in daily life outside and living hard working days

Now that everything is safe we urge to be hurt to have scars because scars = hard working = attractive

That is why most people self harm to be attractive

Can someone help me about if I did the right thing? About an hour ago, I had been crying uncontrollably, not breathing well etc. out of my mind. I called my dr- they can’t get me in til Wednesday.

I told work I need a leave of absence so she called me and asked what was going on. I wad crying and panicky when she called and she asked if I could elaborate and I just told her mental health problems, I did want to disclose my diagnoses.

She asked if it was something related to work and it was. It was actually the last straw before I went into this psychosis. Recently, I have done unimaginable things that I normally wouldn’t do. I don’t even want to share it’s so bad.

So this thing at work tripped the switch and she asked if it was work related and I said partially and explained what happened.

I don’t know if I should have done that or what my next step is. I’m married with kids. I plan on trying to get the mortgage on forbearance. It’s just too much.

I kicked my husband out of the house last week because I thought he was stalking me and listening to my phone calls. One example of the many things I have done recently.

Anyone go through issues with work? I’ve had 8 jobs in the past 3 years and really like this one. It’s easy and I was fine up until now.

Title says it all. 28f with bipolar 1 with severe psychotic features. I haven’t been sleeping well so I took an extra dose of my sleeping med last night and still couldn’t sleep. I also haven’t been eating. My med dosages were recently increase. My psychiatrist did warn me that this could cause mania, and to alert her if I notice. But tbh… I don’t want to tell her, or anyone really. I’m so used to feeling like dog shit, feeling down, depressed, SI, you name it. I’d like to just experience a good feeling for a while, but I know how dangerous mania becomes. I wish mania didn’t come with a set of problems. I enjoy feeling up and alert; not a brain dead, depressed, non-functional zombie. Don’t worry as I’m going to message my psychiatrist today. Just wanted to express my emotions a little. Thanks.

Caption.

This same exact doctor kept misdiagnosing me and pushed SSRI after SSRI for 2 years straight.

I’m from a European country where there’s a social security appointed one in each city territory that you can go to for free. I went to see a private one finally 4 months ago, and she’s been a godsend angel. She immediately put me on two medications which have been working amazingly.

So I went back to the free one, just to get my meds prescribed every month from now on. This can usually be down by phone, but since I haven’t been to her in months her assistant told me come in.

I tell the doctor what I’ve been diagnosed with (type 2) and my medication. She said that I look very “well dressed and good looking” (??) and that I don’t seem like someone with bipolar.

I was so shocked I couldn’t even respond, what actual fuck do you mean? Like yes I am finally functioning like normal BECAUSE of the medications.

She refused to prescribe me anything but the SSRI I was taking before my first very bad hypomanic episode. I walked out on her and simply said “thanks for nothing.” I cannot believe how or why this woman got her degree. But she shouldn’t be practicing.

The meds themselves cost like 2 euros, but I have to pay the rest of my life (rather until this bitch retires) to get them prescribed. 🤘🏻

I know I’m only at the beginning of my journey, and I believe people when they say it gets easier, but right now I feel like I’m gnawing at the bars of my own enclosure.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I at 23, and after losing my job, I couldn’t access treatment for a few months. Eventually, I had a manic episode that almost put me in the hospital. Since then, I’ve been trying to find the right treatment, and honestly, I’m exhausted.

I want to feel stable, but some of my experiences with treatment have left me feeling restless, emotionally numb, and disconnected from myself. I’m scared of having to choose between managing my bipolar and still feeling like me.

For those of you who’ve been through this, how did you cope with the trial-and-error stage? How did you stay hopeful when finding the right treatment felt impossible?

I genuinely feel so stuck :(

As my mood swings my posts/replies can get to out there. Even with medicine. Reddit just nailed me with a warning! I was like Sorry. I am sorry but I know it can easily happen again. I wonder how many bipolar users are getting tossed off Reddit each day for failing the policies. I like Reddit I just have to try more control or make notes to triple check my posts before hitting that Post button. I already feel like I am a goner.

I was walking to meet up with my group at the library for a project. (I had presentation yesterday and it went great). I saw a bunch of posters talking about different mental illnesses in detail (histrionic disorder, ocd, narcissistic disorder, even phobias). Then I saw Bipolar disorder. I’d say it covers this disorder clearly, what do u guys think?

Trigger warning: self harm

Hiii community,

I am hoping to hear other people’s experiences who live with bipolar. I’ve struggled with emotion regulation since I was a kid, and started to self harm and use substances at a young age to deal with difficult emotions. Diagnosed in my mid 20s. I have experienced one hospitalization following a reckless and harmful episode, and it was a month long and traumatic hospitalization in itself. I have had friends step away from our friendship because of my struggles and the weight it placed on them. I haven’t been great at navigating intimate relationships (prior to but especially now). Recently my boyfriend broke up with me, largely because of my drinking. A lot of my past hurt from the challenges of our relationship as well as my past experiences and sexual trauma came up. When he ended it I became so overwhelmed I punched myself in the head numerous times and broke my glasses. I felt like I totally lost control. It scared him. I feel horrible. I threw my phone since this happened and broke the screen (I’ve thrown things, kicked and punched walls, broken stuff) throughout my life to try to let the intensity and discomfort of my emotions out somehow. I don’t know how to be with men and let the anger go from all the times I have been assaulted and hurt. I recognize the role my substance use has played throughout the years, knowing this does not excuse a man’s violation of a woman’s body. I wonder what other people find helpful to deal with the intense emotions I feel, particularly in my attempts in intimate relationships.

I have been told that I have mixed anxiety and depressive disorder, but that doesn't account for the fact that I take antipsychotics. For me, it just reads as though I have just anxiety and depression, and it's stressing me out even more. I want to get a second opinion, and I live in the UK. Can someone give me some advice, please? I have episodes of psychosis.

Here in the UK, they demonise the disabled as a drain on their resources and make jokes about young people getting disability benefits for anxiety and depression, when my symptoms are much worse than anxiety and depression. I hear voices and have delusions. So when I tell people, 'Oh, I just have anxiety and depression,' it feels stupid. I feel that I'm being judged for my disability. I'm taking medication for psychosis, but this is my second psychotic episode.

I was told by social workers that I am being treated for Bipolar I, but my psychiatrist formally diagnosed me with mixed anxiety and depressive disorder. But I feel that my condition is much worse and more intense than anxiety and depression.

How can I get a second opinion?

After a horrible horrible summer of just pure awfulness I can say for the first time in a while im not suicidal right now. I still have depression but no suicidal thoughts or ideation. The one thing I realized coming out of it is how hard it is to live and be someone its so hard. I feel my personality is so far away from me if that makes sense and my brain feels a little dead and yes I may be wasting away a tiny bit playing skyrim (lol) but for once I feel like I have made some progress

My mood changed 10 days ago in a weird way and I couldn't understand what was happening to me. It was just now that I realized that this may be the first time I notice I'm in a mixed state. I made my research and found out about dysphoric mania, which comes pretty close to what I'm facing right now.

If you have already gone through this type of manic episode, could you please share your experience?

When I was 19 I was hospitalized for what looked like a typical manic episode. All the signs... less sleeping, racing thoughts, talking fast, flight of ideas, feeling expansive and spiritual, highly irritable, impulsive, paranoid, weird thoughts. Thing is I was under a lot of stress and my psych meds were all over the place and I think I may have been using drugs at the time, can't remember. When I think about it now it's hard to convince myself I wasn't making it up. Part of me feels like I needed to get out of my situation and I started behaving in a way that would result in me being hospitalized. I felt like a part of my consciousness that wasn't flying off the handles was "in on it" somehow or had awareness of my actions. It's been too long now for me to know if this is true.

I have been relatively stable since on various amounts of a mood stabilizer before kidney issues which required me to significantly reduce my dose 6 months ago. Everything was fine and then I had what seemed like a hypomanic episode for a week and a half in which I was basically sped up, HIGHLY productive, irritable, and impulsive (with money and behavior). I was able to come out of it with just one dose of an antipsychotic and a good sleep, which makes me think maybe I was just revved up. The antipsychotic was potentially not even necessary, I don't know. I also had the sensation that maybe I was playing into it or making it up.

What is this about? Part of me feels there is a range of human emotion and experience and maybe my pendulum swings higher and lower than some? Less so than others? I'm not super opposed to the diagnosis being real, I just can't bring myself to believe that it actually is for some reason.

I’m not sure what’s going on right now. Some things are off like overspending, being more productive, big bursts of anger/irritability, not sleeping much and increased confidence. But I don’t have euphoria or endless energy.

What bothers me most are the thoughts. I feel like certain people can read my mind. That everything is a lie. That my bipolar isn’t a thing - I just made it up. Everything is fake.

But then on the flip side, there’s something that makes me question these thoughts - they are wrong. I just created them by overthinking.

The best way I can put it is that - I think I believe the statements above, but I don’t trust them.

What is going on? Can anyone help?

my apartment has always reflected my state of mind - when i’m manic everything is tidy, fresh, i’m picking up stylish pieces of furniture off facebook marketplace that i probably don’t have any business buying. when things are rough, though..dishes don’t get done, trash sits in the bag, if it even makes it into the bag. i don’t know how it happens, but i wake up and i’m in some kind of nightmare room.

but this past week i’ve been devoting time to cleaning, reorganizing, and finally feel like i’ve reclaimed my space again. a contractor is coming tomorrow for maintenance which normally would send alarm bells through my brain and body, but because i’ve restored my depression apartment into a state that actually looks livable, it’s totally okay. i don’t have much to say other than this, i just wanted to get it off my chest - it feels so good to know that i cleaned up my act and things are where they belong again.

This is going to be a bit long, but I have taken the latest energy I have to write all of this because I am being kicked down by depression. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder two years ago. I've been medicated until recently. I am experiencing my first seasonal depression unmedicated in a long time, and honestly, I feel... awful, not to say totally hopeless.

I am a psychology student, and I've been missing university. I can't get out of my bed, I don't shower, and let's not talk about my hair. I have curly hair, and I haven't brushed it in three weeks. I have knots; I don't know how to fix that. I don't eat, and the worst of all, I keep pushing my friends away and destroying my relationships. I don't know what to do. A friend of mine wants to help, but I am in such a miserable state that I don't want anyone to drown with me, so I've been isolating myself from everyone except my mother (my mother is the type to force her help. I am getting help without a choice. But your friends, they aren't your mothe So, it's not their responsibility to bear that, right? )

I've hurt my friends by telling them to go away and that I want to be left alone. Things they did. And now I don't know. I am alone. Guilt is eating me alive.

Now I am a Muslim, I believe in God, and it saves me from feeling totally helpless or having suicidal ideation. But I am exhausted, and my executive function is totally zero. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix myself. My relationships, I don't know how I can stop being a burden to others. I just want to know what I can do. I sleep all day, and I am offline on my socials. I just want to be heard or listened to by people with the same condition as me. I feel so alone, but it's all my fault Ive been looking for it.

Thank you for reading all of this. I just. wish for my spark. I am not someone like this I usually live, i am usually optimistic. Now it's like watching my old self from a window

I hate feeling like shit all the time. I hate having to second guess anytime I feel good. I hate having to take meds and not being stable in them yet and having the worst hair trigger mood swings I’ve ever had. I hate fighting with my wife because literally everything is pissing me off. I hate knowing that I’ll never be “normal”. Sometimes I just want to have a breakdown and not be labeled as crazy. I want the hallucinations and psychotic symptoms to stop I want my brain to be quiet for once. I never want to hear “it gets better” again because apparently it freaking doesn’t it just gets better and takes a nose dive again. I want the side effects from meds to stop interfering with my job performance and damn I just want a 3 day knockout sleep to reset

Sorry and thank you for coming to my ted talk

Ihave lived with bipolar disorder since I was 18—essentially my entire adult life—and it has been with me ever since I started dating and entering into relationships. So its already like almost 8 years.

My disease is untreated.

Every time I meet new men, they aren’t interested in me as a potential long-term partner; there’s always an ex they’re obsessed with, or some other "better" woman.

Why does this keep happening?

Is it because of my appearance?

I am a slim woman with an average-looking face (I’m not beautiful; I have an average face).

Does not having a pretty face mean I’m doomed to be alone for the rest of my life?

I feel like no one has ever truly loved me. At best, they just want to use my body for a while, or they treat me like a free therapist—crying to me about their exes.

I’m tired by it.

I don’t understand—what am I doing wrong?

My bipolar primarily manifests as dysphoric mania or mixed states, alternating with depression. Happy mania is quite rare for me.

Why am I so unlucky in love?

Is my face to blame—do men only want pretty girls?

On dating sites, I exclusively choose "average" men because my self-esteem is low, yet even they treat me poorly.

I try to avoid making prolonged eye contact with people; when I’m depressed, I feel like they’re judging my ugliness. When I’m in a manic state, I don’t want to scare them, as my gaze can be quite intense.

Do you also struggle to find luck in love, or is there something wrong with me?

I came to this sub while I was searching for the root cause of is temporary intense surge of anger or you can also call it rage that is so overwhelming that it compels to react violently - verbally or physical. The only way out seems like getting space or stepping away.

But it like a milk boiling and then given that slight increase of temperature, it is going to spill. Bloody walking time bomb is what it feels like. Hate this feeling.

After noticing it for a couple times, I began to wonder if it is rooted in self-blame or unforgivess towards onself for not knowing better?

Because the cycle is the same.

Try your best -- Being tested for your patience -- urge to give back -- something else or same original situation is testing your patience -- now we are already at level 4 out of 5, of overwhelming point --- That boiling milk is almost close to the brim --time travel initiated to all those times when your patience was taken undue advantage of and you let it happen - you must have fought back but not hard enough with all given knowledge and experience in your younger self -- Back to present -- Milk has reached the birm -- you step away -- cause otherwise -- more embarrassment - lashing out - shame -- regret-- apology and REPEAT

So, this is a pretty new experience for me and I genuinley have no idea what to pinpoint this as but it really let an imprint on me and I feel a little desperate to get some opinions on this and help me figure out what direction i should take this as.

Yesterday i was scrolling on my phone and it was either that morning or the night before i scrolled past this youtube short talking about the very last scene of the sopranos. If you have not seen it, it essentially just cuts out in the middle of a clip and that was apparently supposed to be tonys death scene.

Now i have a really weird relationship with how i feel about death, ive had suicidal tendencies before and even a couple times where i came close. I had them during manic episodes where i kept listening to the same song on repeat hoping i would be able to "go home" when i did, or ive felt obligated to out of an intense paranoia about others thoughts on me and what i needed to do to make up for just being alive, but ive also had family members ive deeply cared about die from diseases like cancer or have theyre memory kill off who they are now with dementia, along with having had moments where i was even starting to fear something happening to my fiancè once in the hospital.

So its not like im completely in the dark about why death could effect me mentally, but its moreso just how it effected me. Seeing the screen cut black and knowing that was was just, it, no scene, no screaming, no blood, just black, it felt very personal. And it feels so silly saying it out loud, but i felt like after that i kept seeing symbols of death everywhere i went. From things like youtube shorts or videos to news outlets to even things in my enviroment that could be used symbolically or give indication of it. I couldnt escape it no matter where i went. And when i went to work and clocked out, first thing i get met with is my fiancè talking about the incident in six flags Georgia and after that i really felt like something snapped. He had work later that night, so i was left to my own devices and i just sat in my room feeling so scared of my own mortality. It feels like beforehand the concept was never real, but it suddenly felt like the only real thing around me anymore. Every step i took. Every bite. Every movement or lack of was a risk of me cutting to black. I have very rarely ever had experiences like this, but yesterday felt so impactful. And it has unfortunately carried over into today. I am very desperate on a second opinion. I know ive already been having a manic episode but i cannot tell if this is just part of it or something different. Apologies for the length, tysm♡

I don't know what to do. I've been in the midst of a depressive episode and been fairly suicidal the past few days. I'm in the middle of nowhere, at least 2 hours from where I live, and I think I've talked myself down. However, the bus back doesn't come for at least 6 hours. I think I'm in a safe place now. I know I need to get help in some form, but I don't know where to go or what to say. My therapist appointment is tomorrow, but it's over 24 hours away, and I'm worried that if I wait that long, I'll brush it off as if nothing happened. What can I do in the meantime, and what should I do once I get back? Any advice or experiences would be greatly appreciated. I'm not reaching out to a support line because I've had bad experiences there in the past. Thanks

I’ve been diagnosed with bp since i was in middle school, now im in my early 20s,my family has suspected that i may have bp before my diagnosis and i have always known there was something wrong with me all that emotion rollercoaster going on and the struggles with cleaning is been the most difficult problem for me untill now i mean i can handle anything but the cleaning issue was the most big challenge for me and its still going on I can’t keep my room clean and my bathroom
And when they get messy trust me its a BIG MESS
I always wonder what im gonna do if one day I needed to live with a roommate
I can’t even keep my personal hygiene clean
I go through all that in my depression episodes and they have been the longest episodes and the wildest more than my maniac ones they take over me for months
And i have a little dog i take care of his needs like food and water i walk him out usually but even tho i love him so much and he is my whole world and everything he makes me feel guilty because his living in my dirty room where i can’t even move out of bed😢 i take all my meds but also struggling with the consistency not onl with my meds but with everything
Im in so much pain i hate my depression episodes they are very strong and overwhelming

Has anyone discovered a way to feel the excitement they used to feel without going off of their meds? I’m really thirsting for excitement in life again but I’ve just gotten my life back together from my last manic episode and for my family’s sake need to do the right thing. I feel like Plank from SpongeBob.