it’s genuinely so comforting but also i hate it. makes my hair greasy and dandruff-y and causes hair to get pulled out which can lead to hair thinning and i don’t want that. i do it without even thinking and then i realize im doing it so i stop but the cycle repeats.

I am 20 years old, diagnosed with OCD and have an eidetic memory. I am an incredibly intelligent person and was born with gifts many would do anything for. I keep hoping that as I age, I will become content with the way my brain functions. Memories only continue to pile up. Thoughts only become more horrifying and consuming, and I genuinely don’t know how I am meant to live an entire life like this. I have learned there is peace in solitude, but I eventually find myself trusting again and the moment that part of my life comes to an end, I have to re-live each and every wound I had previously worked my ass of to heal from. When it comes back again, it’s just as vivid as it was, if not more so, as my brain now has new experiences to tie to the past: new connections I find myself examining without realizing, new possibilities, new questions, new uncertainties. I know that life brings with it new experiences, and I am absolutely terrified of what that means for me. I am already on the maximum dosage for my OCD medication, and have tried countless different types of therapies. I have incredible friends, family, and people who love me. But it seems every so often I’ll be free falling again, desperately clawing for sense in uncertainty until I don’t remember a life at peace anymore. I have more hobbies than I can count, and am always learning new things. I’m doing everything i should be, but I can’t forget. I can never forget. I wish so fucking bad that I wasn’t born with the mind that I have. I wish everyday that I was ignorant. I have been finding myself to be unable to hold back from alcohol and marijuana, consuming for the sole purpose of dulling my mind. Of course it works in the moment, but eventually I am back. I have imagined using hard drugs to permanently damage my memory. I am scared that my inability to forget will cause me to rid myself of everything that makes me who I am. I’m just so fucking exhausted.

I don't think about dying myself, not voluntarily anyway, but I can't stop thinking about the death of my loved ones. It occupies my mind every day and has been for the past weeks. I can't stop crying about it and I'm so afraid I'm manifesting it by thinking about it so much.

I try to live day by day but it's so hard knowing each could be the last for me or them. And while my mind's ruminating about that or health or whatever keeps it running, the world grows and I don't.

I'm only 17 and I see the other kids my age with diplomas, starting their career. I feel so late behind and I feel like time's running out.

Sharing from Mommit, since I am both mom and OCD entwined in one big bumbling entity just flailing thru life.

Growing up mental health has always come with a stigma tag. Depression, anxiety, and conflict ran in our family. Lo and behold, I myself inherited my parent's OCD. I just never realized it was OCD until postpartum hit as a FTM and oh lord -- I thought I was going clinically insane. The intrusive thoughts, the peak height of anxiety and cortisol 24/7, the all consuming irritability from constant stress and little to no village. I've had low moments as a mom. While wanting to be the best mom ever.

I finally realized at a point that what I'm going thru is not normal. From the trenches of my anxiety and dread, I plucked the courage to find a therapist and start an SSRI. At first it was Lexapro. Then transitioning to Zoloft.

What a difference. What a world.

I actually have patience. I react much less. I'm rarely irritable or set off by minor things, or even occasionally major things as long as there was no lasting damage. I don't wake up with tense shoulders and chest tightness anymore. I am more present. More engaging. More MOM the way I want to be.

It makes me sad a bit at the same time. That I need medicine to be closer to being the mom that I want to be. Why is my brain not wired graciously? I'm not a horrible person. So why do I feel like I'm a better person and mom on Zoloft?

FWIW, this was one of the best decisions of my adult life. I still have bad OCD days, bad OCD moments where I get stuck in intrusive ruminations and anxiety will peak and I can't resist compulsions to take away the fear. But it's a bit better. Even bit by bit, it's better. I have a hugely supportive OCD therapist who is also a mom and OCD warrior themself. I have a child who I love with all the air in my lungs, all the blood in my heart. I'm still struggling to fully love myself and give compassion after nearly 4 decades of being my worst critic. But it's working in progress. Zoloft is helping me find my center. And I will be a better mom.

My ocd has hit a major spike this past month. I dissociate, have anxiety attacks and ruminate on horrible thoughts. This is one of the worst spells I’ve had in the last decade. I’ve tried talking to others but they just don’t understand so I’m trapped in my own thoughts alone. Meds never helped either so I don’t even want to try them now.

This disease fucking blows

I honestly can't believe I did this. I was nervous, but the lead therapist asked what OCD was like for me and I just broke down and started explaining my themes. I didn't get into like the specific thoughts I had, but I shared the themes and was really proud of myself for opening up. She was also very proud.

Hello, my harm ocd has been dialed up to 11 and I can't go 10 minutes without it bothering me, it's constant at this point. I've been in therapy and on meds for months now. I've asked over and over again if the harm thoughts are caused by the meds as a sick side effect and I've been told no by my doc.

My harm ocd is the urge to stab and hurt people, I get images, urges and I can't stand it anymore. I don't want these to come true but it feels like my mind will not let go. I've convinced myself going to prison is
Inevitable. And my life is ruined.

Please I don't want to be alone in this , does anyone else suffer from extreme harm ocd?

i got some super bad nightmares last night. i feel so shaken the whole day like as if im pretending to hide this huge secret. in my dream there was blood all over my room because i killed someone, and i recorded it as if i was happy i did it, but then i was conscious and i was like wtf obviously not. it was like as if i was super far away from God like as if i was in hell and i put myself there. every second of the day is just overlayed on top of that feeling and i cant feel happy because of that. its so scary when the day ends and the lights and distractions are all off and im just alone in my bed. im honestly so scared im so shaken up like physically sick. im gonna cut off all my hair cus i dont want anything to do with my past self cus i feel like a sinner or a horrible person. i just hope someone here relates thats all im looking for with this post

I see a therapist and a psych, however neither of them have brought it up. I see a lot of discourse around OCD online and my thoughts align with a lot of people who have OCD. But then again I don’t even really know what OCD is, and how it works. Idk I thought everyone’s brain worked the way mine does, and now that I keep seeing posts of people talking about their OCD.. I just don’t know. I also don’t want to seem like I’m not asking my therapist or telling her everything. I just want to know what made it click for you guys. Thank you.

EDIT: Thank you all. I feel so seen by your experiences. I will be getting an evaluation, and also gonna start being more honest with my thoughts.

What do you guys do when you see something disturbing? Gore for example. Like how do u move past that without blaming yourself?

Any of you ever been obsessed with migraines before? Right now I think I am having an obsession about my girlfriends headaches, as she claims them to be migraines and I do not know for sure from the way she describes them if they are actually scientific migraines. It’s terrible. Anybody else go through this?

So we adopted a puppy this week. He has been having soft bowel movements. My husband gets home tonight and we take him potty. The puppy starts moving his foot super close to his bowel movement while he is still hunched over. I repeatedly warned my husband that he was going to step in it thinking anyone with sense would pull him away. My husband just stupidly stands there and let's him stick his paw all in it. We can't bathe him for another 11 or so days as he just got neutered. We wiped his foot with a baby wipe but I just feel like that isn't enough and all I can think about is those germs all over the house and we have a baby who will get a hold of these germs. My husband thinks im being ridiculous and treating the puppy bad(haven't done anything to the dog he just thinks I am treating him bad because I'm having OCD thoughts. Now I'm the villain basically.

I'm tired, just tired of fighting my own mind. I've been ruminating on the same problem for one year and a half and I can't go a day without thinking that i might go in jail for every small mistake i might have done. Im on clomipramine and risperidone without any benefit, my social life is in shambles and i'm stuck on my studies (i'm ironically a med student studying psychiatry).

Su***de is always an option popping on my mind lately and i can't go on, i have my whole life in front of me and i can't see a future without any tragedy coming for me. I hate this disease, i hate it with my whole being, i miss my old self before the first crisis. Sigh, sometime i think i'm not sick, that my fears are rational and that i'm only lying to my psychiatrist. Any insight that could help me?

I’ve been in therapy all year and all I learned was how to recognize OCD and separate it from myself. Other than that I felt like I made no progress and every session felt the same. I talk about how I was triggered in my weeks and what compulsions showed up. My therapist encourages me to not engage in compulsions and that’s kind of it. She asks where I feel it in my body, what color it is, how intense it shows up and then asks me to sit with it and give that part compassion. But that’s the extent of the work.

Is this normal in therapy for OCD? Am I doing something wrong? Should I see a specialist?

Sometimes I worry that this is all therapy can offer me and I just need to practice not engaging in compulsions. I’m worried I’m wasting money by continuing to try therapy.

hey everyone! i was diagnosed with OCD about a year ago after a bad break up had my compulsions going haywire. since then i’ve learned a lot about myself and how to handle the ups and downs of something as unique as OCD. however i’ve been dealing with a lot of rumination around guilt that logically doesn’t make sense. for example my phone kicked the bucket, which isn’t the worst, but i go to college in a rural town so i had to get help from my parents to figure out a solution. since then i’ve been feeling sick with this guilt that i don’t need a new phone and i’m using my family. one part of me is saying that i actually do need a new phone since i need to communicate, the other is in a moral tailspin. do any of you also experience this sort of guilt/reasoning spiral?

i am not diagnosed with ocd and i am not looking to be diagnosed. i am just trying to understand a pattern in my behavior..

over the past few months, i keep obsessing/being afraid that my ex boyfriend has shown up to my apartment. this is because when things ended for good he got into my apartment under false pretenses (told my roommate he was here for me (she hadn't met him bc we're not too close), then showed up at my bedroom door trying to get in). i was in therapy at the time (such perfect timing right?) and checked my texts after, seeing my roommate said a man was here to see me. immediately my stomach dropped.... i opened the door and he gave me 3 letters that were really weird and i told him to leave and that i was really mad he would ever do such a thing. mind you we were already broken up at this point. however i think he did this bc we were still ocassionally talking over text?? and i realized i did not wanna be with him anymore after having more time to myself to reflect .

it caused me so much anxiety and honestly repulsion?? idk i felt very violated and i couldnt even process it after. this could be bc when i was younger my dad would constantly come into my room while under the influence, either to yell at me or lecture me, and my ex showing up weirdly reminded me of that

over the past few months, i've noticed i always lock my bedroom door now and cannot sleep if the bedroom door is not locked. same with my bathroom door, but it doesnt lock. i also have to check the shower and sometimes under the bed. when the doorbell rings my brain does immediately wonder if it is him. if i'm home alone i will think he's gonna show up/break in. and when i see the same car my stomach drops and tells me its him when it is obviously not.

idk if this is just some weird response or an obsession. i obviously dont know the real probability, but when i think about it rationally, i don't think he would ever show up. yet my mind immediately goes to that and there are lots of what ifs which is incredibly annoying bc he was horrible and i would rather not ever think about him again.

this feels embarassing but this got bad recently, i hid in my bathroom because i thought someone/he was in my room, knowing that it was implausible since my bedroom door was locked.

this has died down a bit since i dont tend to be home alone now (3 roommates now, over summer i had 1). i'm not looking for advice or anything just wondering if anyone's experienced something similar or if this could be something different entirely bc idk

I used to suffer with really bad OCD years ago rumination, what ifs, did I do this, guilt, fear of disappointing loved ones which caused to do a lot of unnecessary confessions. I beat it years ago watching some YouTube channels and really focusing in. After that I didn’t think about it for years been really healthy.

But recently I have been hating my job. Not a burn out on the load but the systems itself not working properly and overall no room for advancement has made me lose all motivation.

Now for the past month I find myself obsessing/maximizing my free time with video games. I always played video games but never this obsessed. I’m not even obsessed with playing them. But feeling like I need to pick the right game and play it for at least an hour. I just beat a game and spent hours planning on the next one I would buy without actually playing anything. (This isn’t some oh you just have a back log and are excited thing) I caught myself doing one of the phrases I used to do when I had the more serious OCD. Which was repeating a phrase 3 times saying ok this is the plan you will buy this game said it over and over and I will enjoy it.

I’m noticing the same patterns when I had the more serious ocd. But I’m thinking could this job burn out lack of motivation cause my past negative ocd tendencies to come back ? I feel like im searching for maximum happiness/enjoyment/prodcutivity when not at work because I dread work now.

I just hadn’t noticed these ocd patterns in years but when I caught myself repeating a phrase 3 times. And noticed I’ve spent the whole week telling myself I’ll buy these games to play and enjoy my life is when I noticed maybe it’s coming back ?

I do remember the ocd lady on YouTube I used to watch say that when people go through big life changes or stressful phases is usually when they start to really develop ocd symptoms. Not sure if anyone else has had this ? Or maybe it’s just regular job burn out

I have started on medication again for the third time, first two times i quit after 4 months and 2 months due to some things.

I am on clomipramine(Anafranil)and fluvoxetine(prozac).

People who has been on either of these medicines or the combination, i want to know what are the side effects that never went away even after stopping medicine.

I know meds will work for me a they had last time but i am just worried about long term side affects and if i am somehow destroying my body by taking these medicines.

First, I would like to say that I have a fear of leaving my home, not necessarily agoraphobia, because I've never been described as having the latter by a professional. I don't want to throw that term around loosely.

Previous posts in this sub about agoraphobia, or fear of leaving home, *seem* to suggest that the solution is medication and/or ERP - at least, from the posts I read.

I started ERP for my OCD when I was a teenager and...it didn't really help? I remember being grossed out by it but not feeling like my symptoms got better. I started an SSRI around that time as well. I'm on the strongest dose of that SSRI.

I feel hopeless because I have already tried medication and multiple forms of therapy (ERP, non-ERP CBT, talk therapy). I have had over a dozen therapists in this life and I've lost faith in their ability to help me. I even joined an OCD peer support group once, but it felt too religious for my comfort. I try to ignore my symptoms, but sometimes I suddenly realize how much OCD is limiting what I can do in this one life I have.

I suppose my question is - how do you deal with your fear of leaving home if ERP and medication aren't doing enough? I'm open to your thoughts. Honestly, do I need a lobotomy or something? What options are even left?

I am obese and want to go to workout classes, but the idea of leaving my home is making me feel fearful. I also would like to get 7-10K steps in per day, but I don't leave my home due to my fear.

(I have other OCD issues, but fear of leaving home is the culmination of all those issues.)

i had a really hard day with my harm ocd yesterday. i was so scared about having hurt someone the day before. and fell really hard into checking and reassurance and all together feeling like a monster and like a horrible human being.
it was obvious to my family that i was upset. i try not to lock myself in my room when my dad is home bc i know one day we won’t live together and most nights we don’t even get to spend the evening together bc either im out w my bf or he’s working. so i wanted to still go downstairs but i was obviously very upset. after my sisters went to bed i was crying and he was so concerned.
he knows i have ocd but just the fears about germs and bats and sicknesses.
the only other person besides my therapist that knows about me harm ocd is my bf.
i told him a little bit about it, how i get scared i could hurt someone or attack someone and have no recollection of it. and my brain will convince me i ran someone over or hurt them. i avoided the words kill or murder bc i didn’t want to scare him, but he was so understanding even tho he doesn’t even understand ocd. and he told me i could never hurt anyone and i wouldn’t and that he’s not afraid of me. i know that was all reassurance but it was something i needed to hear once from him because i was actually terrified about opening up to anyone about it because i thought they would call the police on me or the psych ward on me.
but despite it being one day, he has already shown a change of like being way more understanding and trying to really be there for me. i feel like over time he will forget about what i told him. and maybe ill have to remind him down the line.
but dont be afraid to talk to your family. especially those that you live with.
you will be ok. we’re all in this together 🤍

For someone with morality OCD, I became locked into YouTube drama and celebrity scandals as a teenager, and I think it has permanently fucked up my sense of self. I had to leave twitter and threads, and I now heavily control my feed on YouTube.

I feel like some content creators and celebrities should lose their platform, but the lack of nuance in each response has led me to have black and white thinking over my own morality. Especially when people who are black, brown, female or queer are usually smeared twice as a hard as their counterparts. I don’t like seeing someone like me being told they should kill themselves, and it usually ends in a week long obsessive loop where I can barely take care of myself.

The problem is, this has became so pervasive all across the internet, because let’s face it, it sells.

Since trying to stay away from that shit, my mental health has improved. But it’s still an ongoing battle, and now I’m dealing with the idea that avoiding such things on a daily basis makes me a worse person, because now I’m choosing to bury my head in the sand.

I've been dating my partner for close to 9 months now. We're 20F and 21GNC, and were both university students. I suspect we might both have OCD; but I've been diagnosed, medicated (150mg Sertaline), and in ERP/OT for my OCD for about 2 years. I'm currently just in OT with a trained ERP therapist.

I love my partner so much. We get along super well. They're incredibly funny, social, positive, and bubbly. He's handsome, and paitent, and so affectionate to the point it's almost a little sappy lol. Flowers grow where they walk like a Disney princess.

I'm typically pretty avoidant in relationships due to extreme Optimization rituals and weird self-isolation compulsory behaviors. This isnt usually a huge deal. I have friends and a support system, but I enjoy my own company as well. People know me and can snap me out of my cycles most times. Additionally, my spirals don't usually pertain to the person I'm talking about. They do with my partner now.

The problem is, my partner has been so busy recently that I basically only see them for an hour at night after work (11:00pm-12ish) and a few minutes in the morning. I'm lucky if I get a full free day once every two weeks. I know he's trying, but I've never cared this much about anyone before. I spiral so bad about how his friends at work, practice, and all of his clubs get to see him 35+ hours a week when I'm lucky to get 10. After this, he still sometimes goes to hang out with these same people again. I know he's busy and I know that it's work, but it feels so unfair. I feel clingy and it makes me so guilty. Ive convinced myself I hate some of his closest friends. Its so not fair to anyone, and I feel like I'm putting so much weight on them for no reason.

Its not fair to my partner. They deserve the stable version of me they got before I was suddenly so anxious and clingy. The weight of it goes to him because I just tell him about whats going on in my head and beg for help. How do you guys manage this??? Living with the uncertainty is so hard and the stakes feel so high.

Sorry for how long this is, a nuance today

I am reposting this with the proper corrections after speaking with the Mods.

I watched porn two nights ago around 10:30pm. It was dark in my room, but I didn't close my bedroom door. It remained open. However , I made sure the volume on my headphones was turned down super low to where I myself could barely even hear it & I also made sure to place my comforter over my phone & body once I realized I was just watching with my door open ... Even in spite of me doing all of that , I still felt weird afterwards that I left the door open. I just didn't feel like shutting it but also more importantly didn't want to seem suspicious or obvious either by closing it that late at night. Plus , both my dad & my brother were snoring & my mom wasnt making noise or moving around the house either. Had they been awake , I would've shut my door. We live in a small apartment, so my room can easily be visible if someone were to have walked through the hallway but since it was super dark in there, I didn't think it would be possible for anyone to have seen anything anyway, except the reflection of my phone's screen light hitting my face. Anyway.. I have felt unsure of whether it was wrong or okay because I took steps to conceal myself & my phone. I have felt guilty for what I did by not closing the door. I wasn't hoping anyone would see me or anything disgusting like that , but I have felt guilty that that could've been a possibility simply because the door was open & I keep ruminating on it feeling bad. The rumination on the guilt is the reason why I'm here. I am NOT seeking reassurance or asking whether or not what i did was wrong or alright. I am only here seeking advice/support specifically regarding the guilty feeling & rumination itself. Thankyou.