Helped my dad set up his new phone last weekend. While transferring his notes I found one called "Things to ask" right next to my name

It had stuff like how's my car doing, did I hear back about that promotion, whether I finally fixed that one problem and a bunch of other stuff. It also said "don't mention the breakup unless he brings it up" lol looked like he added that recently.

My dad has never been much of a talker. Most of our calls don't even last 3 minutes and I'm usually the one ending them because we run out of things to say.

Didn't realize he was actually preparing things to talk about just to keep the conversation going.

Made myself a toasted sandwich for dinner tonight and can't stop thinking about all those calls I rushed through.

So I moved to Spain last year. Desperately wanted a fresh start, a new life so to speak. My home country never felt like mine. I always felt like a stranger. I thought that by moving to Europe I would be… free?

I’ve never really experienced blatant homophobia in my life. Yes, coming out to my parents was relatively hard and a journey I’m still going navigating, but otherwise no “bad” experiences. Most of my friends know and have no problem with it, but still I wanted to find a place to belong. Not just sexually, but in so many other facets not necessarily tied to my sexuality.

Well the town I ended moving to is pretty much the same. Small, conservative, quiet, serious. I promised my friend before leaving to always be myself and so I did. No lies, no denying it to others. Eventually the word spread out and I felt as so many doors shut. The big majority of these coming from straight men. Don’t get me wrong I have straight male friends here, I find it very important to have male friends, but it makes me upset to see how a considerable amount of them just nope you out when they learn you are gay. They turn cold and distant. Maybe a casual hello here and there, but you know the barriers are up. I hate this. I hate feeling that I’m not part of, like an outsider stuck in an ugly gray zone forever. Not one of the girls, not one of the boys. Ugh.

I’m not a diva, people act sometimes shocked that I’m gay. I can be a bit femenine sometimes, but its very mild. I don’t hit on other males at all, much less if I know they are not gay. I’m very respectful. No touching, no bro hugs, no nothing.

I feel in a sense more free, but never did I think that this freedom would be so lonely.

Thankfully I’m not the only one who’s experiencing this here as I’ve been told, but I tend to avoid rushing into friendships with people over a common issue or hardship. Usually leads to trauma bonds.

Anyways enough of poor little old me lol.

So… what’s up with straight guys being like that?

Edit: Guysss the tacos are 1 euro tacos 😭 they were lowkey good and for the price in this economy I can’t complain!!

I (25M) was walking home from my friends house early midnight last saturday to go to my own place after hanging out. It was dark. Nobody was around and i walked passed this guy (that clearly had a drink) that started talking to me. Ngl, my friend and i were drinking too so i was tipsy myself so i happily talked back to him at first as he was friendly. At some point he started saying things like i was cute etc. I thanked him but told him i am straight. He didn't back down on flirting with me so i said i have to go and tried to walk off. Then he actually grabbed me and started groping my genitals. I tried to push him off me but he was quite a bit stronger then i am. I'm only 1.74m in Holland where the average male height is 1.82m. He was almost 1.90m and weighed like 85kg when i'm only 57 kg

While i struggle to get him off me he tried to kiss me. I could dodge it and get loose from his grip, and then i immediatly ran as fast as i could. While i am not that strong and am small, i do have good cardio and am quite a bit faster then most people. After 10 sec he stopped trying to chase me and just called me racial slurs (i am brown, mixed raced and he was white)

I got home safely but i'm a bit scared of running into him again as my town is quite small. I always walked the way to my friends house as its like 20min and i enjoy walking through the nature, but for at least a while i will go on my bike

Eggs on toast with pesto and herbs

EDIT: Many of you suggest talking to the police. Tbh, this didn't even occur to me, but this mf probably does this to other people too. I'm a bit sceptical in how serious the police would take this as the only details i can give are that he's only taller then the average looking guy over here and i've never seen him before. I honestly doubt that anything will happen as i've talked to them before about being asaulted (physically, not sexually) by a group of guys for being bi racial and nothing happend

So I posted about a situation with my girlfriend and her family yesterday (elsewhere), and one of the commenters connected my post to one my girlfriend made a little while ago. They sent me the link, and I discovered that she posted a few times, and a lot of the responses were about how I am a dangerous creep and she should leave me. 

There was a lot of misinformation about me in the comments, which I didn’t read all of… because reading hundreds of comments calling me an abusive creep was overwhelming. But she posted about a private webcam that I bought for us to use after she had the idea, and it turned into a lot of people saying that I forced it on her, I’ve installed more cameras she doesn’t know about, I upload the footage all over the place, all these wild accusations that couldn’t be further from the truth. And even if I know the truth, it still hurt to read all these ways people think I’m evil.

And it hurt to see the way people talked to her, too. Telling her she was pathetic, had low self esteem, all these horrible things. It kind of broke my heart to read people try to convince her that she was wrong for enjoying her own birthday, when she tells me all the time it was the best. She stood up for herself, and me, but she shouldn't have had to.

I know how she feels about me, and I know that our relationship is healthy and safe for both of us.

But wow, I don’t know how people like celebrities and influencers can handle all the things said about them, and this wasn’t even actually tied to my name. It's overwhelming to think about people on Facebook talking about me when the story is reposted to some dumb page.

I haven’t talked to her about it yet, I’m about to watch her present at a conference via livestream, and all I can think about is the idea that any of the comments got through to her. Or if she has any doubt about how seriously I take her trust in me.

Part of me is worried that when I pick her up from the airport on Saturday, I'll not be able to stop myself from saying "Hi sweetheart, missed you, here's your water bottle full of ice water, a fresh chapstick, a brownie, and by the way, did all those people on Reddit manage to make you think I'm a horrible creep?"

Thanks for listening. 

(Lunch was a cobb salad), I am a sucker for hard boiled egg)

They're so great. Not all of them, of course, but a lot of them.

There's a George Carlin bit that sums it up: "If you fall asleep in a house where a woman is present, when you wake up you will have a blanket on you."

Call me a simp. Say "you're just trying to get laid". Whatever. Fuck you. Women are so wonderful, and those words are fluttering straight from my soul. If you don't/can't agree, then I feel extremely sorry for you, because you're missing out.

That is all

~~~~

Food: undercooked pork on an unsafe barrel fire

I don't know what to say... Went on a date night with the wife and had a lovely time. come home and watch a movie together, and just have it really nice.

My phone rings after the movie just ended, and it's my dad telling me that he's got cancer. It's in his pancreas and liver... on top of him having blood clots in his lungs and legs..

He just reached retirement age, and now he's dying of cancer. Makes me lose hope in the whole thing.

Am I supposed to work for the man all my life in the hopes of maybe being able to retire at the end of my life?

That is, if I'm lucky not to die before I reach that age? So what's the actual point of life? Because it sure as fuck isn't to work and wear out yourself just to make some faceless corporations a bit richer...

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so grateful for my wife being there for me on my side and tolerating me and my gloom. Don't know how I would be able to cope with this without her.

Thank you for reading my ramblings...

The food’s Jollof rice and beef.

Have this girl I’m in the talking stage with, let’s call her Angelica. Well, yesterday, Angelica and I decided to visit my buddy.

Now, my buddy is a no-shoes-in-the-home kind of guy, so when we got to his place, he asked us to take off our shoes, which we did.

We then proceeded to sit on his sofa, and that’s when I saw it. Angelica’s big toe was sticking out her sock.

I don’t know how or why, but that just killed any attraction I had then and there for some strange reason. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I mean, it’s just a hole in a sock?

Or maybe it’s the fact that the toe was sticking out of it?

Leftover chow mein

Tomorrow is the big day. We've been engaged longer than we were boyfriends (3.5+ years together, 2+ engaged). I moved in a month after we started dating, signed a lease 8 months in. I know it's pretty fast, but when you know ya know.

I'm thrilled and nervous. The lifetime commitment is the easy part honestly, we've been head over heals. He's the perfect guy. He helps me learn to set boundaries and advocate for myself, which is one of my mom's favorite things about him too. I could go on and on about him. Throughout the craziness of life, it's been so much better with him by my side. The hard part is the wedding itself. But we're finally in the happy stage of wedding planning (a few days ago it was just stress on stress). I'm so happy I get to marry him

Any advice for the big day is welcome

Long-time lurker, first-time poster, finally got something I really wanted to post about.

For context, I am a college student, and my brother, who was 5 years older than I was, died around 2 years ago of a sudden heart condition in the middle of the night. It was completely unexpected and threw our entire family off guard. He was healthy and athletic and, aside from a lack of sleep, had no notable health issues. His death shattered our entire family and, as a result, caused my mother to become depressed, my father to distance himself from the family and focus on work, and me to become depressed and begin seriously repressing my emotions.

I didn't want to cause more hardship on my parents, so I forced myself to swallow my emotions and try to move on, which in the process caused me never to get to really confront my emotions and feelings about the death of my brother. This has led me to be way less vulnerable with my loved ones, and I rarely like talking about trauma or various emotions.

Now I've been dating this girl for around 9 months. We started dating in college, but we went to the same high school, and I liked her in high school as well. Our relationship has been going well; however, earlier in the relationship, I had a couple of doubts, especially because we didn't share many interests, our personalities were quite a bit different, and I was much more emotionally unstable than she is. I was worried I would overburden her and inadvertently push her away, so I hadn't talked about my brother to her.

However, on the 2-year death anniversary of my brother, I went to see her, as my parents are currently abroad, and I needed an emotional anchor. We spent the day, we had a nice date, we cooked together, and we had a great time. Toward the end of the night, before I had to go back, we sat outside, and for some reason I felt compelled to tell her what happened with my brother and how it left an unfixable scar in my life. During the story, she wasn't really talking, but in the middle I noticed that she was softly crying. Quiet enough that I could barely notice. I'd never had anyone cry for me before, and even other close friends I had told had never responded in such a way. I don't think she understood how much that meant to me; she's been so compassionate and so understanding and so supportive of me. She cries for me and reassures me, and she affirms my feelings. Hearing "that must've been so hard for you" just kind of broke something in me, and when I arrived back home, I ugly cried.

I know it's only 9 months into the relationship, and I'm just a college student, but I love her so much, and honestly, even though it's so early, I want to marry her so bad. She's been such an incredible person, and I honestly don't know if I even deserve her, and it feels like I've gotten one step closer to being able to become emotionally vulnerable again.

Salmon, Avocado, Cucumber Gimbap we made together!

Beef steak with potato gratin and spinach at a restaurant for my 38 birthday.

I'm still processing the talk we had yesterday. It was a long talk about our intimacy. We have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. We have two kids with my wife (3 and 5 years old), and since we have kids, we barely have moments together, intimacy, let alone sex. And we fought a lot about the educational method to use for our children, although this issue is now almost solved with psychologists and efforts from both sides.

I've always been the one initiating sex in our couple, and the one leading through it. I thought it was just because she was used to sex like that, and that she preferred I do most of the work. In intimacy I thought I was a caring partner, trying to please my partner first, not rushing to penetrate her, taking care of her erogenous zones. I'm happy when my partner is, I'm a pleaser. And I feel like I have to be one anyway since I I finish too quickly in bed.

The frequency of our intercourses has declined over time from 3 times a week to 3 times a year. With the fatigue of dealing with young children, and the difficulties we had with their education, it can be understood. And it's been years since we didn't really have fun doing it. I masturbate about 4 times a week to blow off some steam, but I'm still sad about how the situation has evolved.

During this talk, I requested to understand her better. To know how we can improve this situation that does not satisfy her or me. She explained to me that what she needs are special moments together, more non-erotic caresses that don't lead to sex, and more kindness between us. That was fine by me, we need that indeed to be a couple again. I also like romance, and we lost it with the kids.

What I didn't expect however is to discover she basically never enjoyed sex with me, and considered it a duty. But she was okay with that because I am smart, have other qualities and "she can't have it all".

She's told me her sex toy can be as pleasurable as me going down on her, so she doesn't see the point. She hates that caresses lead to sex, and that I focus on her lips, her breasts or her crotch. That when we have sex, she asks me to penetrate her just so that it can be over with quicker. Not because she wants it. And she just fake it until I come, which thankfully doesn't take that long.

She told me the last times we had sex, she ended up crying later because she didn't want to receive penetration, but has asked for it and done it anyway because that's what women have to do. That she fantasize about other men during intimacy because she has no desire for me, and she feels bad for it. That whenever she's pleased me with her mouth, she felt degraded and imagined her boss or someone else forcing her. But she felt obliged do it to reciprocate one time out of twenty, since I go down on her almost everytime.

So I was upset. To know that I've actually hurt her when I thought she was enjoying it. To know she has absolutely no sexual desire for me, not even a small hidden one, that can be retrieved by taking care of her. To know she was faking it and forcing herself almost every time, while we could have tried to work things out way before. To understand that I wasn't a pleaser at all, while pleasing her was what I thought I enjoyed the most in bed.

All because of her outdated scheme of thoughts as regards sex ("I have to open my legs otherwise he'll leave, and as long as he comes he's happy"). And because I was fucking oblivious to how much she forced herself and faked liking it while having no desire for me, while my first concern was in contrary to please her in bed.

The talk ended with her asking me why is sex so important to me, because we could just cuddle. I never realized her sex drive has been this low all the time and that I was forcing her into sex, without any pleasure. I thought I was a pleaser in bed. The irony.

Smoked rib mmmmm This might not be completely coherent or organized at times. I am really going through it now and this is more of a brain dump, I will try my best but sorry for any poor readability.

So this week this has really all boiled over. So my Fiancee (27F), well former Fiancee now, and I (27M) have been together for a little over 4 years. The relationship was honestly really good for the bulk of it. She has been my best friend and partner. We got engaged back in April.

Now the problems, I am going to start by being very blunt, I have not been a good, fair, or loving partner, and what makes it worse is my inability to see that and take action despite it being spelled out clear as day for me. I am so incredibly mad at myself right now and feel so bad for how I made her feel. Back in March or February we had a conversation about how I treat her. I have always been self conscious about my appearance and I am by no means a bad looking or unhealthy dude but I would nag her a lot more about going to work out or what she is eating than I should. I don't want to defend that behavior it is repulsive and gross, I see that now. She also started pushing me to get therapy since I was very obviously not okay at all. Some other problems she had were that I can be very very avoidant for conflict and that I have a hard time having hard conversations whether it be her, my parents or really anyone and she did not like that she did not trust I could go through hard decisions and situations with her and she would be left to handle them alone as well as in the once place she should not be judged, our relationship, she felt constantly judged.

A few months go by, I do not get therapy, I do make an effort to be better and for a while I do think I was slightly, but I reverted back and we had the conversation again. Every time we had a conversation like this I would break down and she would have to comfort me. I would be afraid of losing her and messing it all up but obviously I did not understand the gravity of the situation and genuinely it makes me feel so dumb and so incredibly mad at myself. She started pushing for couples therapy at this point as well and I dragged me feet.

Well skip forward a bit more and we move in together, this is about 2 months ago. After she moved in I kept my behaviors and did not change. 2 days ago we had another conversation and she is at the end of her rope and I really don't know what it was but this time the full gravity of everything just hit my like a truck. I finally understood how much harm I have caused, how this relationship I allegedly cherished I was actively tearing down. How I have just been someone that made this relationship a toxic one.

Today we called off the wedding, and I have made a couples therapy appointment and I am reaching out to therapists for myself. She is moving out and after our couples appointment Friday she will decide what to do. Since I have destroyed any trust she has in me the options laid out are we take it slow from square one again or we end it. I would like one last chance to prove myself and to show I can improve and change. She has said that she doesn't think she would ever hate me and that she can't tell if she wants to stay to make sure I get help or because she wants to be in this relationship. I know I have messed up really bad and all this pain I am feeling I know she has been feeling this for months and she stood by me because she loved me and I pushed her way to far.

I don't deserve another chance at all, but I can't help but want one. I am fully the bad guy in this story and that is what hurts is how I could not see that or didn't want too and I took the one person who was willing to stand by me and three her away and treated her like shit. I am so fucking disgusted, disappointed and just mad at myself right now. I hope she is willing to let me have one last chance but I don't deserve it and I know it.

It hurts so bad and it hurts even more knowing she carried this for months and stuck out hope because she loved me and cared.

I probably missed some details but I am trying hard to process this and I just need to start get my thoughts together. I have fucked up in my life, but this is the biggest fuck up ever, she is just the most incredible woman I have ever met. I just really really am dedicated to making myself better and working on us and rebuilding but I just am so lost here. I have been a absolutely terrible person so the one person I should have loved and cherished more than anything

Today it’s Tuna Alfredo and Red Bull tastes disgusting

Now it sounds stupid but it’s helped me push through my social anxiety, made me more spontaneous. I act on things I want to do more. If I see a store I’ll go in, talk to the cashier, strike up conversations with other shoppers. I’ll just go into the city for the day and walk around the streets talking to people doing random activities.

Or if someone’s having car troubles I’ll stop and offer help

Few months ago I spent my afternoon helping an Indian curry truck that was broken down on the highway. The inside of that food truck smelled so good.

The part that upset me about that was that no one but me stopped for them. And that’s been the case with any strangers I’ve helped out along the way. Not a lot of people stop to help others anymore.

Earlier today the front end of my truck went out on a dirt road and I put her in the ditch. Walked 40min before I got to a farm. Terrible day to not bring a sweater, it was like 5°C out today. Came across a farmhand who took me in his tractor and we towed it out. We got to talking and turns out I used to work with his wife.

Asked if there was anyway I could pay him back and he said just drop by the farmhouse sometime.

I’m very grateful for the help. I’m going to either bake something or get some boxes of donuts and bring them to the farm some morning.

Maybe there’s some work cut out for me there.

Tuna and cheese isn’t a good combination

24M. I have fucked up and wasted so much time in my life, from like 19 to 24 I have done nothing but waste time and gaslight others saying I was fine. I failed a whole year of university and I am restarting this year. I am behind, I am mentally slow and I have lost the joy.

Every single night when I am in bed waiting to fall asleep I think about suicide and how fucked I am as a person. I feel like I don't have real friends and I never had a girlfriend even if it's clearly better for me not to have one considering how fucked up I am. I have let myself and got so unhealthy.

Any time I try to do anything productive my mind goes to "why bother you will be mediocre at best at this point" because I am late in life. All my friends already have a girlfriend, a job, a car and a future prospect, while I am here being a young adult that wasted his early 20s, it's so hard to related to others because I missed on so much stuff and my brain cannot get over it.

I think I am almost at the bottom of my depression because I have gotten to the point the idea of dying calms me, like it feels like I am so tired and death would be sleeping in my case. I just don't know what to do anymore and how to fix myself while feeling like dogshit.

To make it brief I feel like I don't like anything about my life, I feel like I ruined it forever because of how I grew up, I don't feel like my peers and oh my fucking god I want a girlfriend as well but I am too much of a loser for someone to like me.

I don't think I have it in me to go on anymore. I'm 21 and all I've ever done in my life is be a nuisance. I am intrinsically a boring, unappealing person. I do so many things wrong, but never right.

No person on this earth can stand me. I've never had any close connections. All my life I've been ousted from everything around me, and I get it. I don't blame anyone for that, I belong outside. It hit me tonight that my future is going to be so so lonely.

I have never experienced true friendship. I have never experienced a woman looking at me with pure love in her eyes for me. No one likes me. Sure people might hang out around me, but I'm not really necessary to anything. This is even more apparent at my uni. All I've gotten out of there is getting made fun of.

I have nothing. And my future is a sad sack of nothing. I oft think about being gone and how little anyone would really be affected. If my own family didn't like me enough. If my own father left because I was this unlikable what chance do I have?

I don't want to be here in a world I don't belong to. To be a burden that eats away at the world made to belong. I wish for release. To be exhumed from reality. My presence has only ever brought negativity.

Context: I'm a M18, and ever since I was around 13 or 14, I've known that I liked both boys and girls. I've always liked the idea of being with a girl long-term, having kids, and building a future together. At the same time, I've also always wanted to experience a relationship with a boy. I don't really know how to put that feeling into words, but I don't mean just hooking up. I mean an actual relationship.

I've been watching a lot of movies lately, like Young Hearts and Heartstone, and they've made me realize how much I've always wanted a relationship like that. Something innocent, where it's just two boys who can be vulnerable with each other and genuinely care about one another, without feeling like they have to fit into the stereotypical masculine image that everyone around me seems to have.

I guess I also have a certain type when it comes to boys. I'm not really attracted to the more stereotypical image of a gay guy who's flashy, wears makeup, or paints his nails. I'm more attracted to guys who are DL, chill, and have a similar vibe to me. I don't mean that there's anything wrong with being that way, because I'm not exactly the stereotypical gay guy myself. I just want someone I can relate to, someone who feels similar to me in the way they carry themselves and see the world.

I've had three girlfriends throughout high school and one in middle school, but none of those relationships ever gave me the same feeling I get when I see a good-looking guy I know I probably have no chance with. It's that feeling of getting butterflies just from seeing him or thinking about what it would be like to be with him. I don't think I've ever really experienced that same feeling with a girl.

Honestly, I don't even know exactly what kind of advice I'm looking for. I think I just want to know if anyone else has ever felt the same way or struggled with similar feelings. Sometimes I feel like I know what I want, but I don't really know how to make sense of it or explain it to other people.

I'm going into college soon, and honestly, I'm scared that time is passing by faster than I can even comprehend. I feel like I'm wasting so many opportunities by not putting myself out there, whether that's asking a guy if he likes me, figuring out if someone is just a friend or could be something more, or simply allowing myself to experience the kind of relationship I've always wanted.

For so many years, I've kept these feelings to myself, and now that I'm finally being honest with myself and accepting that, yes, I'm bi, I feel this weird mix of relief, excitement, and sadness. Part of me is happy that I'm finally allowing myself to explore this side of who I am, but another part of me feels almost depressed thinking about all the time I've spent not letting myself experience it.

I know I'm only 18, and I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like I've missed out on something important. I don't want to keep hiding from these feelings or reach another few years down the line wishing I'd been braver when I had the chance. I just want to experience what it's like to genuinely like a boy, have him like me back, and be able to share something real with someone without feeling like I have to hide a part of myself.

I guess I'm scared of letting more time pass without ever knowing what that part of my life could look like. And now that I've finally started accepting myself, I don't really know how to move forward or how to stop feeling like I'm already falling behind.

(edit)
The restaurant is ichiran!! It's a very popular ramen chain in Japan but expensive compared to the traditional ramen shops you can find locally.

(edit 2)
Someone mentioned the relationship being a "bro" type relationship and having someone to have sleepovers with and game and the occasionaly flirt. I totally resonate with that and is like exactly what I'm talking about from a relationship standpoint.

(edit 3)
Now coming to think of it maybe I just want a bestfriend because Ive never really enjoyed big friend groups and having a really good friend that I can talk to everyday or just have fun with anytime does fit my description for a guy I like but idk I'm just rambling.

Dinner today is a cinnamon bagel with cheese, turkey, and Ham. Sides included orange and sparkling water.

My parents divorced when I was young and have caused a lot of damage between my sisters and I. Where things stand for me, I haven't spoken to my father since 2021, mother since 2024. My relationship with my sisters are extremely important to me because they effectively raised me, subsequently replacing a sibling relationship for a caretaker role. I resent my parents deeply for this. I have had some rough patches with my sisters over the years. One I haven't spoken to since 2018, I didn't speak to another for 3 years. My goal is to take back my relationship with my siblings because they are the only people on this earth who know what trauma we have experienced. With how the last 3 months have gone, I dont think it's a feasible goal.

I struggle with bottling up my problems and recently communicated the issues to my sibling. A lot of damage was done on both sides, and it ultimately ended up with an ultimatum. My sister insists that she has a relationship with our mother. Her relationship with our mother invalidates everything our mother has subjected us to and everything she has done to fuck up my childhood. The ultimatum was our mother or me, and she chose our mother.

This left me feeling incredibly disappointed in my sister and more spiteful towards my mother. She has taken so much from me, and even when I'm this far way, her very existence still causes problems in my life. I hate her with everything and hope she dies cold and alone. I know it's petty and harsh, but I just wanted a family who all loved each other. What a foolish dream.

I just ended our relationship. She is the funniest gal I've ever met and I have never connected so deeply with anyone.

But here is the story.

You know how chicks like to ask "who is the most beautiful?" Etc? And you know the answer.

So one afternoon we were chilling and she asked me with who was my best sex. With her of course. I asked back. And she told me it was with the icky guy she never liked.

I felt like my reality dropped. We have the connection, I thought this is it. Asked her so what can I do to make it that good. Or maybe she thinks I can't.

She basically yelled in my face that my dick is too small.

Wtf. Wtf. Wtf.

She doubled down that our sex is nice. I have okay dick.

Bruh I don't want to hear how amazing other dudes are, how much better and how bad am I - unless it's a trait of me that is bad. I do get that.

But I can't fucking grow my dick dude.

She later said she is a big dick lover and called me small dick.

Wtf. Wtf. Wtf.

I started seeing my dick as not my own. As small. Weird.

When we had sex it would often feel like some small dick humiliation porn.

I felt like I have never seen her actually having good sex with me, even tho I made her feel in ways she didn't know is possible. You know, my confidence was up. I wanted to have sex.

Later the opposite.

So fast forward few months, I'm not over it, we are on a festival.

I'm ruminating, she knows I'm not ok. I tell her what's up.

She says "it's only physical for me. And let's put feelings aside: you have an unsatisfying dick".

I started laughing. Why. How can you tell someone you love something like this.

So we came back home and it was only getting worse. I because super conscious about my dick (btw. I measured it and it's above average). Sex lost flavour. I stopped feeling safe, wanted, a man, good enough etc. with her.

Got depressed, bitter, started having intrusive thoughts about her fucking other dudes and ACTUALLY enjoying it.

Sometimes it was better, sometimes worse.

She deeply regrets what she said, says it was wrong, that my dick is amazing and we have amazing sex.

Except I don't believe it. And never will. I cant even orgasm anymore. I do cum but no orgasm. I used to have eye roling orgasms and feeling satisfied. Now it's as satisfying as a wank.

So yeah...

We love eachother. But it's not gonna work. I wish I could do therapy and just get over it.

But we are super broke now. I'm applying for a job, need to find a place to live (we had to move to my dad's place and live in a room).

And I know sex with her (maybe in general) will never taste the same.

She moved countries with me. In her home country she has family but it's a shitty family. She has basically no place to go and I HAVE to kick her out since I can't start healing if she is here. I can't keep supporting her, being affectionate and pretend I'm good.

I will get some money on few days and buy her a ticket back home. Unless she can find a job with housing here.

It hurts so much dude. We had future planned out. We had amazing time together, did amazing things.

But yeah - my dick is unsatisfying and too small (even tho she now claims it's not true) and most of the guys she fucked had bigger dick. So now I know she can't enjoy sex with me as much as with other dudes. Even tho I made sure to help her get over her insecurities and feel the best with me.

Her sister said "it's not a big problem". My friend said "breaking up over something like this?".

Just for me sex is very emotional and intimate. And I think everyone wants to feel good, wanted, accepted, "the one" Etc in a relationship. And I don't anymore

Any advice?

Food:

An apple. I don't even know if I can eat it.

@EDIT: Thank you all. I broke up with her like 2h ago and already feelings lighter. And way better after reading all the comments. It helps my mind to not fall into a trap of "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it will get better". You rock people. My next post here will be me bragging about how amazing did my life become and it's also thanks to you. Big love!

@EDIT2: She now realises what the fucj she actually did. And how insane it is. She is happy for me that I'm ending it and proud mof me for choosing myself. No, we are not going back together. Don't worry hehe

Half eaten taco + small horchata.

Where do I even begin. First of all, sorry. Im not good at writing so i may add unnecessary details or go all over the place, so pleas bear with me, I'm also bawling my eyes out so...yeah.

After a couple days of getting ghosted (texts half answered, 👍🏽 emoji on texts instead of a response and unanswered calls) i got a call from my girlfriend saying we needed to talk. Her voice sounded serious so my answer was: why? What happened? Is everything ok? She got upset, saying she was calling to make things and make up, but after hearing my response and how i sounded "uninterested" in hearing her, her mind was made up. We are over, she said.

Some context:

Me, M30 and my girlfriend or i guess ex-girlfriend, F26, had been dating officially for about a year and a half, but have been non-official since covid. We have been having some issues the past few months. Initially the problem was that she felt as if my family didn't like her, that she was not enough for them.

However, I assured her that was not the case, that they did indeed like her and loved her, that she just needed to know them better. So i organized activities in which my family could spend time with her at her parents house, and she said, yeah, i can feel they like me :3. But she never wanted to spend time at my our house (we both live with our parents at this point), there was always an excuse to not go, and those feelings always came back.

So i would say how can you expect to feel loved by them if you don't give them a chance to know you better? Please come with me? The answer was no.

Cue to the a few months ago. The new issues go back to the guy my sister is dating/seeing. This person is from the same town as my gf and the cousin of one of my close friends.

For a long time, he had been after my gf, she of course never showed any interest in her, and when he found out we were dating, his attitude changed and he started badmouthing me with his family and other people who knew me, he started saying that she was only with me for my money (i dont have money but my family owns some land) and things like that, that it was not possible that I, a fat guy was dating her. Anyway he somehow wormed his way into my family by going after my sister. I reached out to my parents to let them know to be aware of this guy, to keep an eye out for my sister.

My gf was glad I did that, but then he started spreading even more lies to her own close friends, saying she was talking behind their back and things she never said. My gf said she could not be in a family where this guy was, said I should do something, that i should step up and warn my family, to put a stop to this guy.

My blood was boiling, how can someone have the balls to speak ill of this sweet girl? Of this ray of sunshine? I was a violent, mean spirited person in the past and I have always been afraid of regressing into that behavior, so I contained myself and spoke to him and told him to apologize and stay away.

He became an orphan recently (can a 27yr old still be called an orphan?) so i really had to control myself to not say something that would impact him negatively since i knew his mental health was frail. Needless to say, this didn't sit right with my gf, we had an argument and didn't speak for 2 days, we made up and then i had to leave the country for work. While here, we have had arguments about this same topic about three times maybe.

It got to a point where she said she positively detested my sister. That she doesn't want her anywhere near her or her family, that she's not invited to family gatherings and she doesn't want her at our wedding in the future (we have been talking about marriage and a future together for a few days) this of course, shook me. Me and my family are as close as it can be, she is my only sister, and while we don't always talk, I would definitely kill for her.

So I asked her how could she say things like that? I asked her to understand that I am don't want to burn bridges with my family, that we could reach a compromise, but her answer was no. It was my family or her. How can i choose between loved ones and my one love? She said what did i plan to do so my family wouldn't be an issue? I was silent, i didn't know what to say. That started a new fight, she said the silence said everything, hung up and it triggered the ghosting mentioned before.

My girlfriend.. she was the kindest soul i have ever met, her smile melted my cold heart, she made me who I am today, it is because of her that i went to college and got my degree. In the dark nights filled with anxiety, her voice was my comfort, something as trivial as going to the supermarket and getting bbq wings, became our favorite date nights. Travelling with her for the first time was a stressful experience but i wouldn't change it for the world.

She was my rock, she was my world. I did my best so that she didn't want for anything. Material stuff and love, Things she would spend hours checking online debating whether or not she could spend the money, i would try my best to get them for her. Flowers everytime I could afford them, and even when i couldn't. She never, not once, asked me for anything. She was so considerate, she was never demanding. I tried to shower her with love, and she always said i was her safe place. I am blessed that she decided i was worth giving a chance to.

At least I am happy that i tried my best to be as good a boyfriend as possible. My mind goes back to our midnight conversations, our late nights doing homework for college, practicing English with her so she could get the job she wanted. We supported each other and we were the best of friends.

Now, I'm here with a box full of things I got for her, meant to give them once i got home. Shoes, shirts.. a ring.

And I'm here, eating alone at a taco shop. With a cold tortilla and a warm horchata. Where do i go from here? How did i mess everything up this badly?

They say it's better to love and to lose than to have never loved at all. I don't know.. all I know is that I miss her and that my life will never be the same without her.

I know that you dont use reddit, but if somehow you see this, thank you, for everything.

*Writing this as i listen to October Passed Me By by girl in red was not a good idea*

Edit 1: We have been together for more than a year and a half.

Edit 2: We are both older than 30 and this was not a random ass Chinese restaurant but rather one that she always talked about. Tbh, she had never told me why :(

Edit 3: Of course, it was not that she had an ex or she stated that she had an ex that infuriated me but that obviously she kept on and on mentioning for neverending minutes how she loved him etc.

Guys, I’d been planning this for weeks. I found a nice Chinese restaurant, ordered a massive Ginger and Scallion Crab, and had the ring in my pocket.

My plan was to wait until after dinner, get down on one knee, and make it a night she’d never forget for ages (or so I thought). Halfway through the meal I told her how much I loved the place and how special I wanted tonight to be.

She looked at me and said, “Oh, I’ve been here before. My ex brought me here once.” Then she spent the next 20 minutes telling me how much she used to love him, she enjoyed being with him etc. I don’t think she realized how much that sentence hurt. I just sat there for a moment, trying to process it with the ring in my pocket and this stupid smile on my face.

Long story short, I lost all my nerve. We finished what we could, but I couldn’t bring myself to stay much longer. I told her I was tired, we went our separate ways, and I drove home feeling absolutely crushed.

PS: For those curious, I did not propose her that night and I am not planning to, at least for a while.

Got married at 27 to a beautiful girl who wasn't perfect, but neither was I, and we were well matched. She wanted to live near her family, and I got a good job there, so I left my extended family and moved across the country. We had our first son 6 years later, then another 2 years after that. I was living the dream. Then a little less than 2 years later, around the same time our younger son was diagnosed with moderate/severe autism, my wife started having behavior issues. After a couple years of some pretty intense chaos, a psychiatrist was able to treat her with some meds, and it seemed like we were back on track. Then when both boys were in their teens, she went off her meds and a slow-motion train wreck ensued, leading to separation, then divorce, both boys living with me, a restraining order, etc.

So here I am, 60 years old. For 10 years I've been a single dad of an autistic young adult who will always need care, and no support system. The divorce really set me back financially, so no prospect of retirement soon. I don't hate my job, but I could sure use a nice, long break. My peers are empty-nesters, enjoying the life they built with spouses, families, etc, or living the carefree single life. I've tried online and offline dating, but never found any meaningful connection.

This is not how I thought things would go. But I don't have any choice. I just keep going. I'm well insured, so my sons will be provided for when I die; I'm like George in It's a Wonderful Life - worth more dead than alive. I put on a good face because I don't want my son to ever think I resent him - and I don't, it's not his fault. But I have a baseline sadness and loneliness every hour of every day.

Sometimes we eat together, but often my son prefers to eat alone, so then I eat alone, too. Dinner is a 1-pound, grass-fed, ground beef patty topped with salsa, and some sauteed brown bella mushrooms and dill pickle slices.

Me and my wife have been arguing a lot lately about her friend and the way she always has to be her superhero. It’s starting to involve me now because she keeps making her friend’s life problems her own.
Example: her friend was sick and decided to go to the hospital. She told her own husband to stay home and watch the kids, but he ignored her and went to work anyway. So of course she called my wife, and my wife dropped everything to go help.
This isn’t a one-time thing. Any time that friend needs anything—big or small—my wife hops up and runs to the rescue. I finally made the comment, “I wish you jumped like that when I need help with something.” That started an argument. I ended up saying I’m tired of her getting so involved in her friend’s problems. The friend is a grown, married adult. She should be figuring this stuff out herself (or with her own husband).
Now we’re in a bigger fight about it.
Am I wrong for having this stance?

Food: porterhouse steak medium well with onion rings

35 year old gay man here. Single & celibate for 5+ years now and I'm extremely lonesome. Wondering if the life I dream of (being with a cute guy, thriving creative career, etc) is even available to me anymore.

I just went though a surgery for a problem that was contributing to making me question if I even wanted to be alive. I am grateful to be recovering from the surgery now but other areas of my life are still so empty & unfulfilled. Anyway, thank you for listening & I hope thay if you're going through something, you're hanging in there as best you can and being kind to yourself.

[Dinner pictured is chicken & broccoli Alfredo topped with roasted tomatoes. I love to cook.]

5 pieces of Kentucky chicken! A bit too much for me though

So here's the thing. I grew up in a typically toxic East Asian educational environment. In high school, our classes started at 7 AM and ended at 10 PM. We studied 6.5 days a week, with a 6-hour break on Sunday afternoons. Scores outweighed everything else, including hobbies and health. They claimed that one extra point could put you ahead of thousands of competitors (and that was actually true), and that only those who came out on top deserved respect and a relatively "normal" life. To get into a good college and secure the future they had once promised, we were forced to take part in this ridiculous competition. (Some people really enjoyed it though) I was already disgusted by all of this, but I couldn't afford to quit the game, so I could only win it first and then look for other opportunities.

After entering college, unfortunately, things only got worse. It gradually became an upgraded high school — dull, rigid, score-focused, and filled with toxic competition. Although I had some freedom at the time, all I could think about was leaving the country. I gave up everything that couldn't contribute to this goal, though it turned out that it was entirely unnecessary.

After graduation, I achieved my goal of working in Europe, thanks to certain advantages I had. I could support myself and live in a freer environment, so things seemed to be getting better. However, the feelings I had suppressed in the past began to catch up with me. I frequently fall into depressive moods and get stuck in long periods of self-criticism and self-blame. Always feeling helpless and worthless. I feel like I'm not successful enough, and at the same time, I don't have an interesting soul either. I've given most of my life to that game, and once I left it, I became empty.

In the past year, I’ve grown a bit, and also managed to save some money that can give me a sense of security. Because I always struggled to find a solution when I’m in pain, I’ve gradually developed my own ways of thinking to protect myself from being overwhelmed by negative thoughts, and that makes me more mentally stable now. But I still live with a long-term, chronic anxiety that makes it difficult to start anything. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still believe entertainment is a waste of time. If I do something for enjoyment, I need to get something out of it that will somehow benefit my future.

I feel like I’ve lost the ability to truly love anything. Even watching a TV series can feel like a course assignment. I have to schedule time for it, concentrate properly, remember the plot and lines (even new words for language learning), reflect on it, and somehow turn it into a way of improving my knowledge, my aesthetic sense, or just giving myself more topics to talk about.

I wish I could simply like something without thinking whether it will help me get a better job, or worrying that I’m just wasting my time. I wish I could go to bed at 10 PM without feeling guilty, without thinking that there are still 2 more hours in which I could do something productive.

Well I think I’ve complained enough... Overall I’m still grateful for everything I have now. I just hope I can regain my energy soon and get back to learning, working, and entertaining.

So yeah when I was 11 my parents had a nasty divorce. My dad made no effort to keep in touch with myself and my older sister. He was in the house one day, and then gone later that day when he was removed by the sheriff's office. He never tried to talk to either one of us. He paid alimony and child support but for all intents and purposes was absent from then on. This was in 1995. I tried to talk to him a few times over the years but that never went anywhere so I closed the door.

One day when I was 29 years old I got a letter from him asking about resuming the relationship. I said yes to it in spite of the psychological damage sustained over the years. I thought it would complete that missing part of me. And it did for awhile anyway. He seemed reliable and like he had grown as a person compared to the younger version of him I had remembered for better or worse.

We had disagreements over the years but nothing that couldn't be moved on from.

Till I met my current partner. She lived overseas and I decided to take a chance and move to Sweden to be with her. The move was worth it. I have bipolar disorder on top of CPTSD and I had just crashed out of another job where the stress did me in. When I told my dad he was vehemently opposed to it. This was a man who always told me I had to do what's best for myself rather than what other people think about it. However when I did precisely that, he stopped talking to me.

That was a year ago.

I emailed him recently to sort out getting my motorcycle sold. It's still in his garage. After the dealership low-balled me on an offer, I told him I wanted to explore a private sale as I could get more money doing that. He responded telling me I better not give his phone number and address out unless it's to a dealer that is coming to pick the bike up. I responded that why would I accept a lower offer than what it's worth just to make it easier for him? He never responded.

I was 11 when he walked out the first time.

I was 29 when he showed up again.

I was 41 when he went silent again.

I learned my lesson.

A leopard doesn't change its spots. It's hard to believe a grown man can act the way he does, but sure enough he has chosen to act this way.

I mostly can't wait till he dies because it feels like that's the only way this all will come to a conclusion. It's funny, I used to care about getting an inheritance from him. I no longer do. He can shove his millions up his ass. Nothing can ever fix the things he's done to me.

The good thing is my partner was worth moving for. I have no regrets. I just wish I wasn't so sick because it leaves me with a lot of time to think since I don't currently work any longer. But I still have hopes and dreams regardless of all of that.

Pictured: beef ribs, Mac and cheese, coleslaw, and corn on the cob.

breakfast: count chocula in a mason jar and a blt with avocado he made me

this sounds so unbelievably made up i can’t believe it. it all started last night, where I hyperfixated on reading through old (1920s-1970s) local newspapers for fun. we live in a community where cars left on the street get towed, and he parked on the street to let me park in the driveway when I got home.

so, newspapers. I was reading these newspapers from like.. 5:30pm to 12am. because of that, I forgot to remind him to park the car (he has bad AuDHD and recently started new non-stimulant meds), combined with him playing league so his brain no worky.

we go to bed, and I gotta pee, and he doesn’t want to wait so he decides, like a lot of men, to pee into the shower. our 4 month old kitten, as curious as a kitten is, was walking on our tub deck (kinda like a kitchen counter with an undermounted tub) and…. walked up to him. seeing this, i went, i stg if you pee on her. and what would you know, she actually went straight into the stream like a kid waiting for the big bucket at a waterpark.

so, immediately, i told him he’s bathing her, so he goes through the bathing ritual, shampoo and water.
through the closed door I go “——, you can’t pee on the cat” like bear from obsession. the kitten very much appreciated the towel burrito and blow dryer. second pic kitten.

anyways, this all happening at like 9:40ish, made us forget once again the truck had to be moved within 20 minutes, so we went to bed.

at 10:20, I hear the sound of heavy chains and shackles, and we look at each other in horror, and ask, did you park the car? no. the answer was no.

instead of taking the time to put clothes on, as I don’t want dude to drive away, I run out wearing boxers and a tshirt. dude is more than happy to take the chain off my car for a nominal fee of 150$. partner is beyond angry. he, thankfully, doesn’t blow up at the dude, and instead walks back inside and slams the door. I reluctantly pay the dude 150, he unchains my car or whatever its called, and partner puts the truck in the driveway.

partner has very bad control with his emotions, and was ready to sock the guy. he handled it quite well, and took 15 minutes to calm down, before i told him if he can’t, i’m going to force feed him ice cream to cool him off.

such a wacky adventure. i’m honestly quite happy with myself for how I handled it, because I didn’t get angry or freak out, or start yelling at him for not moving the car like I would have in the past. I’m happy that he learned two valuable lessons: do not pee in the bathtub, and park the car when you get home. I’m also happy with how he handled his anger episode.

anyways. hope you enjoyed this silly goddamn story. i can’t believe it happened, it sounds so unreal, but maybe thats what made it easy to handle? the absurdity made it comical.