A genuine diary
Ok so firstly i don’t really have a direction for this so sorry if it all seems convoluted, I have a lot on my mind and have an urge to put it out there even if no one reads it

This year Ive had a big drive to change my life and have followed through on a lot of changes (mid 20’s crisis?)

Therapy
I started therapy at the start of the year and am really surprised with how much it has helped me, I was always someone who just dismissed it but am glad I started it when I did, this year has been objectively the best year of my life but mentally probably the worst and I don’t want to even imagine where I would be without starting therapy when I did

Career
I got the best job Ive ever had this year, it’s still a shit job but so much better than my old jobs, they were basically all extremely underpaid construction jobs where I would get bullied constantly by my boss and not have the spine to stand upto them.
I have the drive to know I want more than this though

Food🤤
Ive actually been learning how to make food that tastes good instead of just eating the cheapest meal that seems healthy to fill me up and Ive really enjoyed cooking, it’s turned from something I have to do to something I enjoy doing

Insecurity
Sometimes I feel completely crippled by it, I’ve struggled with it for a very very long time, I struggle severely with self worth.
I think most of it stems from childhood, my parents were alcoholic, just stuck me infront of a PlayStation for most of my upbringing and honestly were really mean to me.
It didn’t seem as weird at the time but I see my nephews, friends kids etc and cant even imagine their parents talking to the way mine did at that age.
I feel such an insane drive to be loved and desired, I have friends and family that do love me but it’s not enough for me, I see them rarely
but there are two main things im insecure about.

Competence/intelligence
i just feel like other people understand things better than me, im always one step behind or confused by concepts other people pick up easily.
This has given me such a weak ego im so used to just being a failure/low performing at everything that I feel so scared to put myself in risky/competition scenarios where I can fail, I already have the image in my head that im going to embarrass myself and disappoint myself with the outcome

Masculinity/strength
I honestly just don’t even feel like a man, im sure competence plays a big part in this but j used to be extremely skinny/weak, with the gym Ive changed this and am objectively pretty strong but I just don’t feel like it.
I have problems standing up for myself and self worth wise and very embarrassed saying It but I feel sexually inadequate, I have a low libido for the past year or so, it dropped severely after I broke up with my ex and hasn’t recovered, I feel like I sexually disappointed her a lot and honestly I still think about it and want to cry even nearly a year later i just don’t even want to get to that point with a woman out of fear that I’ll disappoint her

Anyway on the relationships note I struggle with self worth alot, I know im extremely insecure and I crave validation, attention and that feeling of being wanted/chosen.
But I feel like I want those things too much, in an unhealthy way that I shouldn’t
Realistically expect, im not sure where I should draw the line between
this person isnt interested/taking me seriously and this person needs other hobbies etc in their life, this isn’t sustainable.

And I feel so uncomfortable approaching people so it feels very hard to find anyone interested in me, I suck at picking up signals they might be open to it and don’t want to make people uncomfortable by initiating anything
I think it’s just a low self worth thing for me.
There’s a few times I think back on where someone was very open that they were attracted to /interested in me and I genuinely couldn’t understand that it was a possibility, they had to just be trying to make fun of me in some way or lost a bet etc so I would just be rude or mean to them because I thought that’s what they were trying to do to me.

I’ve lost a lot of weight this year and im not sure if I like it or not, I went from about 90kg to 75kg and I like that i have arm veins and people have said I look healthier etc but a big part of me cant get over the fact of seeming weak, when I try to pick something up I could easily do before but now cant I feel very inadequate.
Even after putting in so much work to get to 90kg, sleep depriving myself trying to stay up and finish a plate I definitely couldnt and falling asleep in the chair next to it was a regular occurrence alongside other unhealthy habits i still wasn’t satisfied, I still felt skinny and weak when I objectively wasn’t, im only 5’8

I cut off all electronic entertainment (except reddit on my work break im working on that too) but I haven’t used social media jn a long time and recently stopped using the computer for anything not work/life related, so no more games, YouTube etc

I honestly don’t know where my life is going but I know if I don’t make big changes it won’t be somewhere I want it to go

Beef steak with potato gratin and spinach at a restaurant for my 38 birthday.

I'm still processing the talk we had yesterday. It was a long talk about our intimacy. We have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. We have two kids with my wife (3 and 5 years old), and since we have kids, we barely have moments together, intimacy, let alone sex. And we fought a lot about the educational method to use for our children, although this issue is now almost solved with psychologists and efforts from both sides.

I've always been the one initiating sex in our couple, and the one leading through it. I thought it was just because she was used to sex like that, and that she preferred I do most of the work. In intimacy I thought I was a caring partner, trying to please my partner first, not rushing to penetrate her, taking care of her erogenous zones. I'm happy when my partner is, I'm a pleaser. And I feel like I have to be one anyway since I I finish too quickly in bed.

The frequency of our intercourses has declined over time from 3 times a week to 3 times a year. With the fatigue of dealing with young children, and the difficulties we had with their education, it can be understood. And it's been years since we didn't really have fun doing it. I masturbate about 4 times a week to blow off some steam, but I'm still sad about how the situation has evolved.

During this talk, I requested to understand her better. To know how we can improve this situation that does not satisfy her or me. She explained to me that what she needs are special moments together, more non-erotic caresses that don't lead to sex, and more kindness between us. That was fine by me, we need that indeed to be a couple again. I also like romance, and we lost it with the kids.

What I didn't expect however is to discover she basically never enjoyed sex with me, and considered it a duty. But she was okay with that because I am smart, have other qualities and "she can't have it all".

She's told me her sex toy can be as pleasurable as me going down on her, so she doesn't see the point. She hates that caresses lead to sex, and that I focus on her lips, her breasts or her crotch. That when we have sex, she asks me to penetrate her just so that it can be over with quicker. Not because she wants it. And she just fake it until I come, which thankfully doesn't take that long.

She told me the last times we had sex, she ended up crying later because she didn't want to receive penetration, but has asked for it and done it anyway because that's what women have to do. That she fantasize about other men during intimacy because she has no desire for me, and she feels bad for it. That whenever she's pleased me with her mouth, she felt degraded and imagined her boss or someone else forcing her. But she felt obliged do it to reciprocate one time out of twenty, since I go down on her almost everytime.

So I was upset. To know that I've actually hurt her when I thought she was enjoying it. To know she has absolutely no sexual desire for me, not even a small hidden one, that can be retrieved by taking care of her. To know she was faking it and forcing herself almost every time, while we could have tried to work things out way before. To understand that I wasn't a pleaser at all, while pleasing her was what I thought I enjoyed the most in bed.

All because of her outdated scheme of thoughts as regards sex ("I have to open my legs otherwise he'll leave, and as long as he comes he's happy"). And because I was fucking oblivious to how much she forced herself and faked liking it while having no desire for me, while I my first concern was in contrary to please her in bed.

The talk ended with her asking me why is sex so important to me, because we could just cuddle. I never realized her sex drive has been this low all the time and that I was forcing her into sex, without any pleasure. I thought I was a pleaser in bed. The irony.

Meat and rice from local restaurant

Dunno why Im posting this but this experience is so surreal it feels worth sharing and getting off my chest.

So I was very sick in my teens growing up and basically looked like a zombie due to undiagnosed health conditons (lots of them). I'm super greatful to God for healing me (almost complete) and my life has turned around drastically. I have a very criminal-like face but its also attractive now that I'm healthy (high cheekbones, deep set eyes, strong jaw... you get the picture).

And one of the biggest surprises is how not only women treat me, but just people in general. Most people are so much more friendly, accommodating, and respectful. Dudes make way for you, give you respect, and women smile, occupy space around you, and stare lol. Bolder women will just come "accidentally" hit your shoulder or touch you somehow as they walk by.

The attention from women though... its literally so bizarre and addicting. I had 0 attention from women prior to this, and now I'm drowning in it. And its not even just women my age, but older women too. I am also going through a delayed puberty and I am just super... horny. I want to smash all these women but I also grew up very religious so I'm waiting for marriage. But the attention from all these women isn't helping 😭. Its gotten so bad I've been thinking about a neighbour a few doors down who has been giving me insane signals. But its alll so taboo and I know in my right mind its not right. I need to get married asap I guess 🤭

A few weeks ago my man invited me to stay at a hotel with him so I of course agreed and drove over to the location on my motorcycle.

Once I arrived I texted him and called him but I didn't get an answer, I was waiting by the front of the hotel entrance but to the side so I wasn't in the way.

While I was waiting for his response this one security officer came up to me and asked if I was staying here.

I told him I was waiting on someone, the whole thing made me uncomfortable because this dude made me feel like I was doing something bad.

Anyways, I texted my man again telling him what just happened and he called me saying that he just got out of the shower and he was heading down asap.

When my man came out to get me, once we went back inside, the security dude was there talking to the front desk people and my man said out loud, "you ain't got better shit to do?"

The security dude said "excuse me?"

And with that we just went to the elevators.

Apparently while my baby was going to go get me, while walking by he heard the security dude telling the front desk attendants about me and how I was the one with the motorcycle and I was just standing outside.

That pissed my man off and he went off on the guard dude but walked away when the dude started asking him what car was his in the parking lot.

The whole situation was weird, high-key felt like I was being profiled.

I was just really greatful my love stood up for me 🥺💖 it meant a lot, I love when he talks shit.

I miss him so much

Anyways what I ate this morning was 2 palitos de queso and ham and cheese bread with the drink being horchata.

Banana choclate cake that I made. Tastes good.

I am sorry, title must be weird to understand. Let me explain, i am 25 years old, i moved to a different country when i was 22, so in this period i was not at home, my dad was at home. Let me give better timelines.

1 yr to 3 yrs - dad and i in both diff countries.

3 yrs to 13yrs - mom dad and i lived in the same country, i dont remember anything of my childhood.

13 yrs to 21 yrs - dad and i again in different countries.

22 yrs to present - i am abroad and he is back home.

Dont get wrong, i speak with him daily, talk about life, get advices, he says he is proud of me(not in a literal way, but i get the gist, our culture is not big on verbal affirmations). He poured all his life in working to support my mom, me and my siblings, i am happy that he is my dad.

I have been doom scrolling before bed and i just realized that all my life i have been away from my dad(dad used to work abroad, but due to financial and personal responsibilities he wasnt able to invite us abroad), i wish i could feel that love that people express about how their dad raised them and made them feel. I dont even remember the last time i hugged him or had a meal while sitting down with him. Now i am stuck in a diff country and unable to book a flight ticket, due to student and some personal loans, taking care of family back home, plus the expenses here, just like my dad. I guess lifes a full circle.

1. Never married, no kids (thank Christ).
   I’m a fucking car detailer. The other day, one of our rental customers left a dead rat in a box in a van that sat in the sun for a few hours. Don’t ask why. When I opened said box after feeling its weight shift around I wanted to walk out of there. When I was a kid I remember people asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up. If that kid saw me now I don’t know what he would say.

Ten years ago I was thinking about killing myself. It’s been an entire decade and I’m still not convinced that’s NOT the best course of action, especially given this nightmarish fucking technological Orwellian surveillance state we’re watching being constructed here in the states.

Not to mention I found out a while ago I was served at my old house. I think if I end up dealing with it at all I’m going to try and file bankruptcy. Yay.

I have no idea why I’m on this earth, man. I’m hanging on by a thread here and I feel selfish even saying that because I know all of my problems are first world and there are people getting blown up and shit (which my tax dollars apparently fund) and god only knows what else.

But you know what, suffering is relative, isn’t it?

Meat and cheese on an old paper plate in a disgusting microwave. Analogous to my existence.

edit: I’m sorry this wasn’t the most coherent post for you people. I just got home from working and it was a stream of consciousness type thing. I didn’t expect anyone to really read it, and if i was Hemingway I wouldn’t be a detailer now would I?

All of you that are encouraging I really appreciate it. Some of these replies I really needed to read.

Food is chile limon Doritos :)

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BoyDinnerDiaries/s/IfWaB7hpN7

The overwhelming majority of people were saying “no don’t do this” for a variety of reasons. Honestly, that was the response I was hoping for.

In the past with this girl in particular it was an intrusive thought that maybe I liked her. But this was when she and her ex were still together. I treated it as just an intrusive thought and brushed it aside in the past. After she and her ex broke up the thoughts started occurring more and more and they eventually overpowered me.

I realized this on my drive home from work today that it all started as an intrusive thought that became something else. If I recognize this as an intrusive thought or some kind of impulse, I can push it aside. I can still be just work friends with this girl and totally be cool with it.

I’m not doing this out of any arbitrary “bro code”. Almost every person out there is someone’s ex. I’m doing this out of the fact that I don’t want to risk hurting my friendship with the dude and potentially fucking up my workplace.

Anyways, I’m hanging out with my friends this weekend and I’m going out with another girl the following weekend :)

I struggled for a really long time to figure out what i wanted to be and where i wanted to end up in life. Tbh didnt think i was gonna make it past 18. ( im hella excited to grow old now) i just know i want to be a better father/dad than my own bio father is and be able to provide better than my mom could for me ( shes a great mom but financially we struggled and still do)

After high school i took a few years off, started working, moved out and, wound up meeting my girlfriend whose now my fiancé. and somewhere along the line the topic of kids came up -regularly come up lol -

Anyways- i want to be better. A better version of myself not only for me but for her, for any future kid(s) we foster/birth/adopt. I want to give the family i create a life they deserve. I wanna be Someone my kids can be proud of.

Ive always wanted to do something medicine wise. When i was younger i siked myself out by just telling myself i wasnt smart enough for med school. I struggled in math like crazy so medschool just seemed un realistic to me.

I love the idea of being a nurse.

A labor and delivery or nicu nurse to be exact. So far ive gotten some As and Cs but mostly Bs in my prereqs and i have just a bit more to go. But damn. Im not even in NURSING SCHOOL yet and i find myself exhausted. My adhd didnt seem so bad when i was in highschool but i guess i had a crutch. I could come home and my mom was paying all the bills. I just..had to pass classes the best i could.

But now its a constant fight with myself. It takes so long to grasp certaint concepts. I just wanna give up.

And every class every textbook is digital and expensive. Like this cost money and that cost more money and oop dont forget about the subscription that you need the school requires though your major doesnt . half the times i find myself choosing between rent/groceries, Or a textbook that i need.

I havent even taken the TEAS yet because ...its just expensive. Ig the thought of failing and having to pay for it again just worry me . The fees for nursing school just...scare me...even with financial aid. Im worried about doing all of this and failing. Over and over.

I feel like im in over my head.

Every time i try a new method of retaining information and some stick and some..just dont. I know im not dumb. But im morphing back into the head space of just beating myself up. In may i graduate with an associates in science if i dont get into a nursing program by the spring. But all of my pre reqs will be complete and all the schools im intrested in- partner with my current CC. So the credits would apply.

I know i could eventually get my BSN in the distant future . But im aiming for my ASN. I know i can do it. But. Im sooo exhausted

My fiancé is a saint. She supports my goals even if its means i spend less time with her. Im up at 6am for school. I head to work and study while there. Home around 11pm eat and study ( atleast try to) back in bed and then rinse and repeat 5 days out the week.

My childhood bestfriend and i were doing this at the same time but they passed away earlier this year. Ig that just shook me and its only just now hitting me.

I know others have it worse and have done more with less. Ig I just feel stuck, sad and disappointed in myself that im even struggling this much mentally.

I want a reason to be proud of myself.

Food is ribeye steak and white rice with oven roasted baby potatoes and honey garlic sauteed green beans.

Ramen dinner.

I was bantering with a girl on an app and admittedly I was on a roll and being pretty funny. She gave me her number this morning unprompted and said “if ya wanted to ask me out.” So I text her, ask her when she’s free, she says she’s free tonight. Great! I pick a bar near her and ask if 7 works, she agrees, exclamation points, good vibes, a bit more banter, etc. 5:30 rolls around and she cancels because she’s exhausted, although I’m pretty sure she had implied earlier that today was her day off. Not sure what to make of this, I’m guessing either she got cold feet or a better option popped up. Dating is annoying.

i relapsed, it started there. the reason was a bad flashback i had. then we were arguing about how i get defensive when i feel invalidated, and said the reason being how i grew up makes it hard not to. bro kept calling my thoughts wrong and that i'm too ill to recognize that. that irritated me. i don't know why, but i spiraled and went on a tangent about how my abusers may be right then too, maybe i'm wrong about that too. i meant that. that's one thing that's always bothered me before for a long time. what if their words and actions were right and why was i fighting that? he went off on how i need extra help and that i'm more ill than he thought. that my therapist sucks and all ts. this is why i don't like venting to him. i don't like angering others and it's like everything i think is wrong and makes him mad. i was just expressing how i felt about my abuse and makes me feel like shit for doing so. this is about my friend, he's one of very few i have, i keep my circle extremely small

my bf made breakfast for dinner

This was exactly where Will was sitting, 2022, shops were just starting to phase out masks and let people dine in again... we never hung out much, but we had shared history from high school.

We'd met in a special class called "Healthy Choices", which, as you may guess, was a class for kids who were close to dropping out of high school. We were part of the last class in the program before it was discontinued, it was a small class, like 12 of us, the teacher was also the Catering instructor. Super chill guy, there was a workbook we technically had, but the teacher told us, "They're cancelling this class, so forget the workbook, we're just gonna have a group chat, everyone gets a turn to talk about their life."

And that was the class. For the final, the teacher took the day off and had a substitute show up to play, "The Breakfast Club" for us, breaking the deal I'd made with him to let us watch, "Freddy Got Fingered". 😀

We both were known for dating girls that were too good for us, and never stepped on each others toes. He was a true friend, every time I was feeling down after a breakup or anything, he'd say the most over-the-top compliments that any bro could give another bro.

"No woman is good enough for you" He'd say.

"You have the deepest blue eyes of any man who's ever lived, the most flawless skin, a smile that could kill an angel, the most perfect juicy lips that no woman deserves." Etc., etc.

No matter how down I was, he always had a sense of humor that would cheer me up. Dude was hilarious.

So anyways, I walked into the Jewish Bakery, and he immediately waved me over, "******* Get over here man! WATSUP!" He said, leaning sideways in his chair, SUPREME t-shirt, ripped jeans, he was red in the face because the methadone clinic had just upped his dosage, and he had a half-eaten Reuben sandwich in front of him, with a bag of weed out while he struggled to roll a joint from being in such a sloppy state.

I smiled and sat down, the scene was ludicrous. The only reason he wasn't being asked to leave was because he'd definitely tipped the girls working more than what the room full of Boomers had collectively given from their stingy change-clinging fists... and said Boomers were clearly struggling to avoid the elephant in the room.

He was happy to see me, but he always had this look on his face, it was this pain that showed through, I never knew how much pain he was in until he was gone.

The last I heard from him, he'd gotten sober (besides weed), and cleared rehab, he was excited to move to Portland and had a job lined up trimming weed, I think it may have been his first job that wasn't working for family.

About abyear later, it was Valentine's Day, which was also his birthday... 2023, I was feeling down about a very slow-burn breakup, saw the Facebook reminder about his birthday, and posted something... that was when someone I'd never met replied, Will was dead, he'd been gone for almost a year, he died about 2 months after getting out of rehab, I was struggling with money and heartbreak for so long, I hadn't reached out earlier...

It reminded me, one time, I was hitting on a girl over Snapchat, and received a picture message from her account.... it was Will, he'd fingerpainted a sign that said, "I ❤️ You (my name)". I'll never remember that moment and not smile. Later he said, "She's not good enough for you. Trust me."

I always put a lot of work into Valentine's Day for my girlfriends, it felt like a personal mission, because the town I was born in invented Valentine's Day... so the years where I was single used to hurt, I used to rerun my memories, blame myself... but none of that hurt like how it felt to find out he was gone, to know he'd BEEN gone for over a year, and I was too f*cking selfish to reach out and see how he was doing... to cheer him on, and that I'd never have that opportunity again.

He'd always say, "You're going to be the Mayor, you're going to be a Congressman, you're going to change the World."

I never got to say goodbye, and I don't even know where his grave is, because his family scattered his ashes in a local park, with no marker... I know the hill, but I haven't been up there to look or try to guess exactly where they scattered his ashes, I'm disabled because of an injury, and that's a long walk of pain, just to feel lost at the top... but I think I feel ready to go and take a look, you know, just to listen to the wind, to see the view, even if I can't find his exact resting place.

If you read this far, I hope you're reminded of a good friend, and I hope they're out there for you to reunite with. And for all the Bros on here struggling with a relationship or heartbreak, I'm going to say,

"Stay Blessed King, You Deserve Better."

Gf birthday month is this month. It’s been a journey before this relationship to say the least. Dealt with a lot of ladies before this that had a lot of negative traits or rather the negativity over-shadowed any good traits they had. I practically wasn’t sure if I was ever gonna meet anyone compatible and resigned myself to being single. I knew of my gf for a few years but never thought of her in a romantic way and besides we never really spoke to each other but I did know who she was and she knew me in passing. Then one day I made a decision, which I thought was insignificant at the time, of stopping and talking to her when we bumped into each other. That ended with us exchanging numbers coz I thought she was cool (and I assume at the time that she thought the same of me). I asked her out on date a week later and she agreed. That was almost two years ago. Still going well and its her birthday month this month. I never thought id go on another date for a while back then when I was single and yet here I/we are in a relationship. I guess there’s not all horror stories out there. So this is for her birthday.

Food is gem lettuce, jammy eggs, bacon, red onion, blue cheese, and a spicy dressing. Turned out pretty good.

*Trigger Warning and mention of suicide

This has been the worst year of my existence. I’ve been dealing with some severe mental health issues on and off for a long time. I was diagnosed bi polar earlier this year and am finally being treated properly with medication. It’s the first time in my life I feel “normal”.

Sadly it cost me nearly everyone and everything I ever loved. In February I had a pivotal manic episode that changed my life forever. I sent so many people unhinged and unspeakable messages from a psychosis I was in where I thought nothing was real.

I had so many friends. I had a promising future and dreams I was on the right track to achieve. I was well respected in my city. Word travels fast though. Most people these days view me as dangerous and unhinged when it couldn’t be further from the truth. I was very sick and got help.

It sucks when it’s something you’re born with and have little control over. During the episode it felt like being in the passenger seat and things were “playing out” like it was a movie or video game.

I’m a sweet person and always had the best intentions. I would do such much for my friends and was always as supportive as possible. I still live in the city and have another year on my lease. Everyday I wake up here I’m filled with immense pain.

Most days I struggle finding the meaning to continue on. It’s hard to move on when you lose so much. I had never dealt with any kind of loss before this and it’s been extremely difficult. Life is so lonely and I barely have the confidence to get myself back on track.

I miss being full of life and hope. Earlier this week Breaking Bad star RJ Mitte took his own life and it’s hit me really hard. I would never want to put that kind of weight on my family, but sometimes it feels like it would be so easy. I just wish this constant nightmare would end. I’m only 26 but it feels like my life is over. Everything I ever worked towards (which was a lot) amounted to nothing and I will never be able to get that back. I could start over somewhere new which I plan on doing but that seems so far away.

I could really use some kind words or encouragement from anyone who may have gone through something similar. Men’s mental health is something the world looks down upon and it’s a sad feeling.

dinner:
tacos. tilapia pan fried with seasoning. avocados, pickled onions, sour cream and pico de gallo

yesterday was a doozy - my partner posted earlier but said i should post my pov

got home - parked on the street. lately I’ve been parking on the street since me and my partner recently put up halloween decorations - and the truck can no longer be parked in its normal parking spot.

anywhos
partner relaxed on couch - i cleaned. they werent feeling up to eating yesterday - so i just cooked for myself. reheated some reuben from a diner

after eating was on my computer playing a game on and off all night. id play a game (30-40 minutes) then hang out on the couch for 30-40 minutes to take a breather and watch the simpsons with my partner. ended up falling asleep on the couch at some point. woke up and it was 9:30? woke up partner and I walked toward the bedroom. took my pants down and went to pee - partner said “nonono - i gotta pee” reluctantly held in my pee for them as they proceeded to sit on the toilet  and i myself shimmied over to the only other orifice that connects to the waste line - the tub.

mind you - ive been drinking 4x my normal water amount since being on this new medicine - so ive been having alot of pee all the time

so during my almost minute long stream, my kitten jumps up to the tub, and decided it was a great day to take a shower. a golden shower XD. jumed up right into my stream line. i was still full stream as she then waltzed through covering her whole body, and nearly got away before my partner just finished what they were doing and snatched the cat- proceeded to laugh and tell me that the cat needed a shower now - and it was for me to clean. i agreed - also laughing. until the shower came, and the cat who didnt want to shower was clawing at my legs to get tf out.

after a lather and a rinse - cat was dried in a towel and a hair dryer
exhausted after having to catch the cat from jumping out the tub about 3 times - decided it was time for bed. 

 then out of nowhere - heard some loud banging. chains. chains on metal? oh shit, the HOA’s lapdog predatory tow truck was here. i left the truck on the street. oops.  in our underwear, we jump out of bed and bolt outside. guy said “im already hooked up” and said to release the chains- he wanted 150 bucks. in my mind, rushing adrenaline, he was about to pull my car through the parking break, that was in park. he would have quite literally broke the transmission- or damaged it if he proceeded? i hate the HOA, and especially shitty contracted towing trucks. i was so mad, my blood pressure was really high, i couldnt thknk straight. clear indicator i shouldnt be involved in this situation anymore. so i said i needed to go inside and cool off. 

took me like… 20-30 minutes to cool down. thankfully partner was able to take care of it - i was on the verge of splooting. walked back and forth in the hallways for a bit trying to exhaust myself, ended up in the kitchen to drink water and cool down. at some point they came and tried to partner threatened to force feed me ice cream or to go to bed. i decided i didnt want to be force fed. came inside -

so $150 and a scratchy shower - had a night we can look back on and laught at.

Idk why I'm telling this to the internet. I think I just need to vent (sorry for my English, I'm not a native speaker).

I (26M) was in a relationship with this girl (22F) for a year. We'd been friends for six months before that, and the time we spent together was great. But one day, she said she wanted to break up with me because we weren't spending enough time doing our own things separately. (We always preferred spending time together watching movies, playing games, etc.)

I was surprised af because I thought everything was going well. It was tough, but I managed to move on.

We're part of the same friend group, so we kept in touch through our friends, and sometimes we'd meet up to talk about how we were doing, etc.

Three months later, at the end of a party we went to with our friend group, we ran into each other and went back to my place together. Basically, we started seeing each other again after that, but she always said we weren't getting back together.

Today, she told me she thought it would be better for us to stop seeing each other romantically because we were doing the same things we used to do when we were together. I don't have any regrets; we had a really good time together again.

My grandpa is 90 years old, he's been in and out of the hospital, and he doesn't have much time left. I also just graduated from college later than my friends, and I don't have a job, or a great résumé/portfolio. Now I feel like I'm going through a breakup all over again.

The thing is, she wasn't just my ex. She was also one of my closest friends, someone I could talk to about pretty much anything. She genuinely listened to me and helped me make sense of my feelings, and I loved being able to share even the most random things about my day with her. Over the past few months, we got so close again that it felt like we were basically dating, even though we both knew we weren't officially back together.

I think that's why this hurts so much. It's not just about losing the possibility of getting back together. It's also about losing that everyday closeness with someone who's really important to me, especially at a time when a lot of other things in my life feel uncertain. I know I'll be okay eventually, but right now, it sucks to feel like I'm losing one of the few things I thought I could still count on.

Grilled okra w ponzu sauce

I (33) am dating my current girlfriend (35), who has 3 awesome boys that are slowly becoming my minions. I work for a big retail store (the BIG one) and when my kids want something, I have to hold back as much as I can because I don't make enough money to get them the things I think they would like. Because of that, I feel like I am failing them because I remember that feeling of when I was young, not being able to get all the things I would like because my parents didn't make a lot either. I wasn't ungrateful for what I had, but I made dumb decisions because of missing out on things. I don't want them to make the same decisions I made.

Hey everyone, this is my first post here, so if I make any mistakes, please point them out. Thank you.

So, as the title says, I got cheated on by my first girlfriend.

18M and 17F.

I first got together with her on the 6th of June, and she seemed like the perfect girl: always caring, beautiful, always checking up on me, and so on. The first two months were perfect (as they always are), but then she started ghosting me and acting strangely towards me. One day, out of nowhere, she told me that I was childish, that she couldn't ignore it anymore, and that she needed a break.

I spent days trying to work things out, and one day, we finally met up. She told me that she'd only been acting that way because of work-related stress. I thought everything was resolved. An hour later, she suddenly turned to me and said, "I have to tell you something, and it's bad." I asked her if she wanted to break up because she couldn't "force it" anymore. I thanked her for everything, wished her good luck, and went on my way. She later gave me several untrue and senseless reasons to justify the breakup.

The next day, we texted about exchanging the stuff we had at each other's places. So, I met her outside her workplace. She gave me my stuff, and I gave her hers. She then asked, "Is this it?" Without looking at her or saying anything, I turned around and left, only to receive a text 20 minutes later asking where I was. She said that we couldn't end things like this and that she wanted to talk to me. She even said she'd come to my house at 1 a.m. if I didn't answer. I reluctantly agreed to meet up and talk to her.

We met and sat on a bench, and I noticed that she'd been crying. She basically told me that she'd only given me those reasons to avoid feeling bad about breaking up with me and that she'd been acting strangely because of some pills she'd taken. She told me she couldn't live without me and that she'd do anything for me, along with all the usual promises. She promised she'd change, so I gave her a second chance.

I also told her that if I didn't see any changes, I'd end the relationship. The changes I was talking about involved smoking weed, drinking, and clubbing. She only did these things occasionally, but they bothered me.

For the first week, everything was fine, but then she started doing those things again. Keep in mind that I was staying at her house for 10 days. She then told me she needed some time alone, so I understood and went back to my place.

She then went out with some friends, and I thought it was strange. Two days later, I found out from her best friend that she'd been doing cocaine for the previous two days. I broke up with her immediately and went to pick up my stuff that was still at her place. It was an emotional breakup, but we both left the door open for a possible "comeback" in the future (25th of August).

Then, two weeks later, on the 8th of September, I was talking to one of her friends when she accidentally told me that my girlfriend had cheated on me, as she thought I already knew. It came as a shock. And I was the one who had taken her to the party where she cheated (I obviously wasn't there).

After finding out, I texted her and asked why she'd done it, but she just replied, "What are you talking about?" So, I blocked her everywhere, and we haven't spoken since. Her friend then told me there was even more to the story. However, I was afraid of the truth, so I didn't want to hear any more. Four days ago, though, I finally found the courage to learn everything.

It turns out she cheated on me at least six times. Three of those times, I actually went to pick her up afterwards, by the way.

She had sex with a work colleague, a 40-year-old man she didn't even know (and that happened twice), had sex with another random guy in a parking lot, and made out with some random guy at the party I took her to. So, that's five or six times in two months.

The first time was only three weeks after we started dating.

I just can't understand why. I always treated her well, bought her gifts, reassured her, introduced her to my family, and made plans with her. I never screamed at her, touched her inappropriately, or used violence of any kind.

She also told me that she'd used cocaine, meth, heroin, and other drugs four years ago. I was still in awe when I found out. She'd even overdosed, which was why she'd stopped using them. (I didn't know any of this until we were already in a relationship.)

Now she's using drugs again on a daily basis, distancing herself from the good people in her life, having threesomes, and sleeping with older men whenever she gets the chance.

Honestly, it didn't hurt as much because of the way she'd treated me towards the end and because I hadn't fully trusted her during the relationship. Of course, it still hurt, and I cried my eyes out both times we broke up.

And of course I don’t want to see her ruining her life, but she doesn't want help from anyone, and doesn't hear anyone's advice. I find it sad to see her like this, but you can't help a person that doesn't want to be helped.

I still see her regularly because we go to the same school. I haven't spoken to her since I found out. She looks at me all the time, but I ignore her and stick with my friends. I don't plan on reaching out, and I won't. She also keeps stalking my socials, but I don't pay attention.

And don't worry, everyone, I've fully healed. I deleted all the pictures we had together, and it no longer hurts to hear her name or see her. I sometimes still wonder why and how she could pretend that nothing had happened.

I'm sorry this is so long. There's even more to the story, but I'll leave it here for now. If anyone wants me to go into more detail, just let me know in the comments.

Food: Bacalhau à Brás, a Portuguese dish made with cod, parsley, crispy potato strips, and scrambled eggs. Olives are optional as a topping. Highly recommended!

Autstic ramble about swords and martial arts:

I've been practicing HEMA fencing, historical European martial arts, where you spar with steel swords from long sword to saber to messed etc or even sword and buckler. It's a more up and coming sport and wasn't like other martial arts where it's been passed down, but is being revived through historical study. I love it because there's control, timing, precision, you really start to understand that focus of one second draws and you need proper force, edge alignment or cuts to proper targets to score correctly as opposed to part fencing, we have guys that transitioned from that, where just touching with a wire to score. Not to be confused with Buhurt the full armored combat melees you see, but those guys are much less technical and just brawl. Now, wrestling was taught to knights and a big part of armored combat but also sword fencing because realistically, if my off hand can grab your sword hand and pull it to the side then stab you, that's what they do. So there is some grappling and not every gym does takedowns but ours has a lot of guys that compete in Europe and world tournaments which include those so it's been a thing at my gym. Now, why was this an issue?

I grew up practicing and competing in judo from when I was 5-18 and got my shodan, decent HS wrestling record and a few years of BJJ and dabbling with other thigns like boxing and I probab would have gotten into cage fighting in college had I not been hit with a severe and chronic pain back injury. My back can still be thrown out, but I've missed martial arts and it's recovered a lot better than it was so I was looking for something more technical I could practice and I love this! I hurt my back a couple times in the last year, but no biggy I'm used to it and have in the past month gotten back into morning PT exercises and calesthenics after a long time of not working out much these past few years but didn't realize how much my physicality was coming back. I'm a shorter guy at 5'7" and was even a small kid, but for some reason have abnormal strength in some ways and accidentally hurt a lot of other practice partners growing up, hence I was 12 years old and fighting grown men in the adults class, likely what did my back in. But I always felt so much shame from training incidents, I never meant to but it kept happening and it's like everyone hated me. And I'm neurodivergant and I was impulsive at times as a kid but training injuries happen and none were bad, a buddy of mine that was on a judo team in college ended with at least 6 concussions since his teens, but I've still always had this deeply ingrained fear of hurting others. I also grew up with extreme mental illness and tbh feel like I was sometimes looked at like a liability or like they thought I wanted to be inherently violent when most of the time it was a melt down and more likely to self harm, but I guess that factors in.

So, this entire last YEAR of training, I have actually avoided grappling guys other than basic hand control and will usually give up if we get too close to a tie up. The only exceptions were the guy that yelled at me who's at least 6'3" and 250lbs and another guy who is a top fencer and also does armored jousting and also 6' plus and a former wrestler. Legit did not feel comfortable unless someone had a size advantage on me and experience. Well, there's one guy there who's not a bad guy but he spars aggressively and he really likes to grapple and he is one of the only ones that attempts take downs, more like a trip vs a throw where both feet are taken off the ground, so I've actually avoided going with him too much. He's also of larger stature than me but not as much so I was worried I'd do something bad by accident. Well, I finally sparred with him a lot and he was coming in a bit aggressive, hitting a bit hard and really trying to grapple and after we had several matches and were on a third, we ended up in a clinch/ over under guard during a saber duel, very rare, but he's the one that engaged. We were basically chest to chest like wrestling so a flip switched, "oh, well this move works from here" and I tried to do a type of trip/ take down where I blocked his leg with my knee and pulled him over it off balance and it's supposed to just take out one leg and be a quick and easy trip instead of a throw. Well somehow, they said his feet were shoulder height up in the air and I threw him, I might have used too much force in my hips. It was totally unintentional, but exactly what I've been afraid of for a year and I got yelled at, I have trauma with and freeze and fawn. But regardless, I also don't want to hurt anyone and that was unintentional but I feel bad and embarrassed and stuff. I reached out to one of the club advisor who is more centered the next day on Sunday to talk about it and also explain and he said just apologize to the sparring partner and that coach, which I mean to do, but I've had anxiety about all week.

I've had a lot of crazy things to on and dealt with aggression in the streets or abuse from other and things, but none of that shakes me up as much as this. It's been a damn half a week and I still get anxious when I plan to apologize which I want to do tonight. I've been in therapy for a long time obviously, but I really did not realize what a hold those past experiences had on me.

I don't expect anyone to read all this but I figure it might be something interesting and different from what's usually posted.

Tl:Dr I forgot how easy it is to flip other people like a flap jack and did it by mistake when I tried to do a gentle take down

I torment myself with thing that should be constructive

I'm at Open Mic!

I both love music and absolutely loathe playing at open mic. I want to play for an audience but torture myself over the quality of my set. I spent all day tormenting myself on rehearsing. Going back and forth on whether I wanted to play at all or not.

I ended up doing it on the logic, that it only gets easier the more I do it. And I always also regret not doing it.

I use to go to open mic regularly but fell off because life got busy and I started feeling really bad and self conscious about my playing and singing. But I'm at the stage I only get better being around other musicians.

Anyways here's a grill cheese I got at the food truck and a Miller High life to calm my nerves.

Bloody Mary and microwaved shrimp scampi with chopsticks because i have no clean forks.

I curbed my car today, and am very embarrassed.

I also have been growing out my nails after years of chronic nail biting, and i made good progress!

Then I hit a curb and got nervous and bit them off again 👍

shame dinner

typo: curbed :(

Food is three types of steak with mushrooms, broccolini, and Mac and cheese. An amazing meal on our first big vacation in 10 years.

As background, I had a what I consider a tough childhood and not because of money. I grew up with ADHD, anxiety, depression, and a narcissist parent. My parent also worked in my childhood school district and was well respected publicly so I couldn't confide in anyone about what was really going on in my life. I found it hard to fit in and never had many, if any, friends given my impulsive and annoying behavior common in ADHD kids. My parent didn't believe in any of this so when I told them I thought I needed medication because I couldn't concentrate or think straight they would just say no, I was just a rude/bad person and needed to work harder. I grew up feeling deep in my bones I would likely never be loved as finding someone who could tolerate me on a day to day, year to year basis was unlikely given that my own parent barely did. I was extraordinarily lonely up and through my mid 20s.

With that said, I got therapy for years after college and was able to build myself up enough to think that maybe people could like me and that the friends I made in college and had known for 10 years might not just be hanging out with me because they HAVE to. I went (nearly) no contact with the toxic people from my childhood. And then, about 10 years ago, I started dating my now wife.

When we started dating we moved in together right away into a tiny studio apartment and it was like I found my other half. Every behavior I was certain would scare people away she inexplicably didn't mind. I found that for the first time in my life I could be myself 100% of the time around someone else (and in a studio apartment there is nowhere to hide my crazy). We then spent all of covid in pretty much the same room as each other and now can hardly go a few hours without talking, including calling each other from the office to talk about interesting things happening in our day, even though we'll see each other that night. She treats me like I'm the greatest person on the planet when I spent my whole life just trying to not be the “bad person" I was raised to believe I was. She's kind and beautiful and the best wife (and best mother to our kid). I joke that I'm just happy she decided to slum it with me for the rest of her life, but I honestly can't believe how lucky I am to have found her. We've been together around 10 years and married for most of that time and it seems like every year is better than the prior year. She’s allowed me to embraced my weird and the person I really am and spend every waking moment trying to do the same for her. Because of her I’ve become the person I always wanted to be. To say I'm in love with her would be an understatement.

I guess I just wanted to get on here and vent to people (and my younger self) about how life can get better. No matter how bleak it looks or how the people in your life treat you, it can change. I sit here at dinner looking at my little family and the life I made, and just want to let the world know that it can actually happen. Even for us weird kids who don’t quite fit in.

I ended a 3 year relationship earlier this year, and I'm struggling with the regret of realizing what I lost only after my ex moved on.

For the first 2 years of our relationship, my ex struggled with Adderall abuse, emotional volatility - she could get angry over relatively small things, she even ended the relationship several times the first year, but she would always apologize the next day and we would drift back together. Over time I built up resentment and lost trust that things would genuinely improve, but I stayed.

During the last 9 months of the relationship, though, she seemed to be doing much better. She was not abusing Adderall and was emotionally stable. The problem was that I hadn't let go of the resentment from the earlier years. I kept waiting for things to go wrong, and instead of communicating openly and working through it, I stayed emotionally distant, kind of 1 foot in and 1 foot out. I struggled to show affection, often felt pressured when she wanted more time together, and became defensive when she expressed that she wasn't getting what she needed from me. Rather than addressing those issues, I saw our arguments as evidence that we weren't compatible.

I ended things in January. For the next 2 months, she tried to get back together, but I repeatedly told her I wasn't sure and that we work better as friends. I was even applying for jobs in another city. At the time, I was genuinely unsure but also did not want to actually leave her. Eventually, she stopped trying and started seeing another guy. That's when I realized how much I still loved her and regretted my decision. I apologized and asked if we could try again, but she said it was too late.

We went no contact for 2 months. Then I asked to reconnect. After a lot of introspection and some therapy, I was still hoping there might be a chance for us, but she told me she was in a relationship and there was too much resentment for anything beyond friendship. By then, I felt I was finally understanding my own mistakes and let go of my resentment, but she had developed her own hurt from how I'd treated her and how I'd rejected her attempts to reconcile. We texted over the next few weeks. Then 1 night I reached out, acknowledged my mistakes, mentioned working through them in therapy, but she just wished me well in my next relationship.

A week later, she reached out to go hiking, saying she missed me as a friend and hiking partner. Why was she asking me to hang out and telling me she missed me if she was in a relationship and she knew how I felt was the thought going through my mind. I still wanted more than friendship and couldn't handle the uncertainty. Instead of flat out asking, I made some sexual jokes and that's when she reminded me she was in a relationship and was just trying to rekindle the friendship, and that we shouldn't hang out. We haven't spoken since.

I've spent a lot of time in therapy over the last 6 months reflecting on my attachment issues and how my emotional distance, defensiveness, and inability to communicate contributed to the breakup. I can see where I hurt her, and I genuinely wish I'd handled things differently.

The hardest part is watching her move on with someone so quickly. It feels unfair that I experienced the difficult years of our relationship, and now someone else gets to experience the best version of her without the problems I experienced the first 2 years. I know their relationship is new, and I have no idea what it's actually like behind the scenes, but the comparison is painful.

I also can't stop wondering whether we could have had a good relationship if I'd worked through my resentment sooner. I had legitimate reasons for being hurt, but I let those experiences shape how I treated her even after things began improving. By the time I understood what I needed to change, she'd reached her limit.

It's been 3 months since we last spoke. I still have the urge to reach out, even though I've already apologized and asked for another chance, and she's chosen to move on. I'm not looking for reassurance that I did nothing wrong. I know I made mistakes. I'm trying to figure out how to take responsibility for them without spending the rest of my life punishing myself for a relationship I can't get back.

I've been on a couple of dates over the past few months, trying to put myself out there and move forward, but I still don't feel emotionally ready for another relationship. That makes it hard not to wonder how she was able to move on and jump into another relationship so quickly.

I'm left wondering:

• How do you accept that you may have lost a relationship that could have worked if you'd handled things differently?
• How do you forgive yourself for hurting someone you loved, particularly when you only fully understood your mistakes after losing them?

Pork tenderloin and salad pictured.

Dinner is Costco chipotle seasoned chicken and a diet Coke!

I'm 23 years old and I feel like I haven't met myself yet.

I could tell you my favorite color and my favorite song, but go beyond that and I'll just recycle an answer from years ago or tell you what I think you want to hear.

When it comes to people that I love(d), I can tell you all their quirks like I came out the womb with them attached to my hand!

But me?

Good luck, Charlie

Is this just an early 20's thing or am I seriously cooked?

meal: salmon over penne pasta with vegtables and cottage cheese. willing to type recipe if anyone is interested :)

s/a cw, nothing insanely graphic

so i routinely watch those predator cathing shows, i think i was watching OBL nation, they caught a 70 something year old lawyer who was on the verge of a stroke. his blood pressure was visibly rising in the video and he was acting quite strange.

i was watching it with my ( adoptive? ) mom. she and her husband work at a law firm and she was explaining to me that the lawyer in the video, HIS lawyer could argue that the information provided after the pred catcher says "i promise i won't call the police" could be completely dismissed, since he said "i promise not to" and then called the police.

i was speaking with her about how it seems a bit stupid that a "promise" made out of thin air could completely dismiss the guy admitting to being a child molester, and the old man in the video went on to admit to the pred catchers that he was around a very young child, under the age of 10 who was masturbating and her mother told him-

my mom was also a paramedic, firefighter, and 911 dispatcher and was training to become a deputy, she said that the child he was referring to in the video had more than likely been assaulted because childern who touch their bodies in that manner for pleasure and not out of curiosity before puberty starts had been introduced to it in that way, sexual assault.

and it made me think, i had very off.. behaviors as a kid. i did start puberty rather early, but i was doing theese things before that. i would do very innapropriate things behind closed doors and once subjected a kid i was freinds with to it, and we both didn't think it was wrong. i was maybe aged 6-8.

and the more i think, the more i feel i may have been assaulted. i had frequent bathroom issues, major insomnia, couldn't sleep unless i had someone else in the bed or the tv was on. if it was quiet i would sit up for hours and just think, and think.. and think., and it's still like that.

another reason for me thinking this, to clarify about the question mark when i mentioned my mom being adoptive, my biological parentsare no longer in my life. my mother was a meth addict and has been almost my whole life, and my dad shot himself 6 months ago at this point. my dad's closest freinds who i knew well decided to adopt me for the last few months of my life before i turned 18.-

my dad was so, so scared to leave me alone in the house with my mom. even later in my life when i was old enough to know how to stay safe. my current mom told me when he was still alive, and would hang out at her house, he was constantly checking his messages from me, scared my mom would cause something to happen to me. my dad also felt i had been assaulted- i'm FTM, and my dad was nwver able to wrap his head around why i'm trans no matter how much i explained it to him. he told me current mom he thinks i'm trans because i was asssaulted and didn't know how to tell anyone. his fear was that my bio mom was selling my body for her drugs, because she herself had a history of prostitution in exchange for drugs, or drug money.

one of the things in my life that made me realize i may be trans, is because when my puberty started amd i was told what my body was going to do, what is expected and what i just "have to get used to".. it would make me fucking sick to my stomach. my chest developed and all of a sudden boys, even at 9 years old, either wanted to sexualize me or hurt me. amd i knew that well before i started puberty, around the age where i described the odd behaviour behind closed doors happened.

but the major factor is.. i genuinely don't remember being assaulted in any way. my mom tells me i may have blocked it out subconsiously. i think that's it, but there's no way for me to find out unless i ask my biological mother. i don't know. it's been on my mind rather heavily because i want to know the answer.

apologies for any spelling mistakes! i type pretty fast and am having major back issues today from cleaning for a long while, so i'm sitting kinda funny.

So yeah when I was 11 my parents had a nasty divorce. My dad made no effort to keep in touch with myself and my older sister. He was in the house one day, and then gone later that day when he was removed by the sheriff's office. He never tried to talk to either one of us. He paid alimony and child support but for all intents and purposes was absent from then on. This was in 1995. I tried to talk to him a few times over the years but that never went anywhere so I closed the door.

One day when I was 29 years old I got a letter from him asking about resuming the relationship. I said yes to it in spite of the psychological damage sustained over the years. I thought it would complete that missing part of me. And it did for awhile anyway. He seemed reliable and like he had grown as a person compared to the younger version of him I had remembered for better or worse.

We had disagreements over the years but nothing that couldn't be moved on from.

Till I met my current partner. She lived overseas and I decided to take a chance and move to Sweden to be with her. The move was worth it. I have bipolar disorder on top of CPTSD and I had just crashed out of another job where the stress did me in. When I told my dad he was vehemently opposed to it. This was a man who always told me I had to do what's best for myself rather than what other people think about it. However when I did precisely that, he stopped talking to me.

That was a year ago.

I emailed him recently to sort out getting my motorcycle sold. It's still in his garage. After the dealership low-balled me on an offer, I told him I wanted to explore a private sale as I could get more money doing that. He responded telling me I better not give his phone number and address out unless it's to a dealer that is coming to pick the bike up. I responded that why would I accept a lower offer than what it's worth just to make it easier for him? He never responded.

I was 11 when he walked out the first time.

I was 29 when he showed up again.

I was 41 when he went silent again.

I learned my lesson.

A leopard doesn't change its spots. It's hard to believe a grown man can act the way he does, but sure enough he has chosen to act this way.

I mostly can't wait till he dies because it feels like that's the only way this all will come to a conclusion. It's funny, I used to care about getting an inheritance from him. I no longer do. He can shove his millions up his ass. Nothing can ever fix the things he's done to me.

The good thing is my partner was worth moving for. I have no regrets. I just wish I wasn't so sick because it leaves me with a lot of time to think since I don't currently work any longer. But I still have hopes and dreams regardless of all of that.

Pictured: beef ribs, Mac and cheese, coleslaw, and corn on the cob.