r/BoyDinnerDiaries • u/jkoble BoyDinnerEnjoyer • 12h ago
No Advice - Everyones Welcome Girlfriend cried for me on 2 year anniversary of my brother's death
Long-time lurker, first-time poster, finally got something I really wanted to post about.
For context, I am a college student, and my brother, who was 5 years older than I was, died around 2 years ago of a sudden heart condition in the middle of the night. It was completely unexpected and threw our entire family off guard. He was healthy and athletic and, aside from a lack of sleep, had no notable health issues. His death shattered our entire family and, as a result, caused my mother to become depressed, my father to distance himself from the family and focus on work, and me to become depressed and begin seriously repressing my emotions.
I didn't want to cause more hardship on my parents, so I forced myself to swallow my emotions and try to move on, which in the process caused me never to get to really confront my emotions and feelings about the death of my brother. This has led me to be way less vulnerable with my loved ones, and I rarely like talking about trauma or various emotions.
Now I've been dating this girl for around 9 months. We started dating in college, but we went to the same high school, and I liked her in high school as well. Our relationship has been going well; however, earlier in the relationship, I had a couple of doubts, especially because we didn't share many interests, our personalities were quite a bit different, and I was much more emotionally unstable than she is. I was worried I would overburden her and inadvertently push her away, so I hadn't talked about my brother to her.
However, on the 2-year death anniversary of my brother, I went to see her, as my parents are currently abroad, and I needed an emotional anchor. We spent the day, we had a nice date, we cooked together, and we had a great time. Toward the end of the night, before I had to go back, we sat outside, and for some reason I felt compelled to tell her what happened with my brother and how it left an unfixable scar in my life. During the story, she wasn't really talking, but in the middle I noticed that she was softly crying. Quiet enough that I could barely notice. I'd never had anyone cry for me before, and even other close friends I had told had never responded in such a way. I don't think she understood how much that meant to me; she's been so compassionate and so understanding and so supportive of me. She cries for me and reassures me, and she affirms my feelings. Hearing "that must've been so hard for you" just kind of broke something in me, and when I arrived back home, I ugly cried.
I know it's only 9 months into the relationship, and I'm just a college student, but I love her so much, and honestly, even though it's so early, I want to marry her so bad. She's been such an incredible person, and I honestly don't know if I even deserve her, and it feels like I've gotten one step closer to being able to become emotionally vulnerable again.
Salmon, Avocado, Cucumber Gimbap we made together!
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u/CasperCackler BoyDinnerEnjoyer 12h ago
That’s awesome, man.
She didn’t just cry FOR you though. She cried WITH you. Your pain is her pain. She has declared herself your teammate. Now everything that happens to one of you happens to both of you. You share pain, but you also share success and joy.
I’m really happy that you’ve found a person like her. My best wishes for a long and happy future together.
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u/jkoble BoyDinnerEnjoyer 11h ago
Thank you so much!
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u/SoaringBladez Identity Alchemist 54m ago
Best stuff I’ve heard in a while. Thank you for allowing us to live vicariously through you, lmao. Heaven on Earth is loading…
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u/TurnoverFuzzy8264 Boy, 50 & over 12h ago edited 7h ago
If you haven't already, tell her how much that meant to you. I imagine that will mean a lot to her.
Edit- Thanks for the awards.
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u/jkoble BoyDinnerEnjoyer 11h ago
Thank you! I’ll make sure to.
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u/OmgSlayKween Gravy Seal 11h ago
You may see that advice as a one-off Reddit comment but as someone about twice your age who learned a lot about relationships through both successes and failures -
Communication, even over simple or small things, is one of the most important pillars of a relationship, and this is a perfect example. Anything that's meaningful to you, both positive or negative, expressed even briefly in any way you're comfortable, is part of the foundation of how you build lasting relationships.
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u/That_GareBear Leftover Lore Master 7h ago
My wife was telling me about a story from her childhood involving her sister. It was along the lines of my wife going through something really difficult and the unique way her sister helped her.
"I really appreciated that" she told me.
"Have you told her that?" I asked.
She said she hadn't but didn't think it would matter anymore. I told her to just tell her. It's better to say it now rather than regret all the unsaid things later.
She told her and they laughed and cried on that call.
Kindness is everything.
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u/OmgSlayKween Gravy Seal 7h ago
Yep, the older I get, the more I try to spread kindness. I was an idiot when I was younger and thought it wasn't "cool" or "manly" but now I realize it's the manliest thing you can do.
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u/That_GareBear Leftover Lore Master 7h ago
Are you me? I was a dick in highschool and an asshole in my 20s. Something flipped in my 30s when I realized I was becoming more and more alone. Realized I was the common denominator.
I've been working to fix that and I can without a doubt say I feel a lot better than I used to.
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u/Famous_Tree842 Hungry man 10h ago
Even if you don’t have the right words to express how it made you feel, say something. “That made me feel good” is always helpful.
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u/Thebaldsasquatch Frigid light philosopher 9h ago
Yes , exactly! People don’t stress the importance of positive communication enough. Yes, partners should and NEED to communicate about the things that need fixing or otherwise need to be addressed, problems etc, but equally if not MORE important, we need to communicate about the things that are going RIGHT and that we appreciate, with specificity so that it is sincere and not just a vague or generic, “yeah I love you, you’re great”. Otherwise communication can start to feel affiliated with problems and almost dreaded.
Edit: posted this to the wrong comment originally, made a slight change and reposted.
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u/Thebaldsasquatch Frigid light philosopher 9h ago
People don’t stress the importance of positive communication enough. Yes, partners should and NEED to communicate about the things that need fixing or otherwise need to be addressed, problems etc, but equally if not MORE important, we need to communicate about the things that are going RIGHT and that we appreciate, with specificity so that it is sincere and not just a vague or generic, “yeah I love you, you’re great”. Otherwise communication can start to feel affiliated with problems and almost dreaded.
Edit: posted this to the wrong comment originally, made a slight change and reposted.
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u/dragon3234 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 6h ago
This is something you just take one day at a time and be happy that you love her and yes open up. With my mom, I had an uncle who took a nap and never woke and this was very early when my dad was dating my mom. He went to my grandparents house (her parents) as they were going to have the funeral and that showed my mom how much he cared for her even when he saw my mom and my grandparents at their lowest. Cherish someone like her because you don't get many chances to find people like in real life.
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u/ZhuzhZhuzhZhuzh Girl lurker 12h ago
Seconding this. It'll mean the world that you see how empathetic she is.
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u/Dangerous-Camel-9666 Gay Gourmet 12h ago
Adding to the bakers dozen forming here and agreeing. Thats a good woman and, more importantly right now, a gentle spirit who cares for you. Go tell her mate, you've earned this.
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u/Healingbigfoot Hungry man 9h ago
This, for real bro. It will cement this into both of your memories for life. I really hope you guys have a long happy life together.
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u/SeparateBumblebee546 Gay Gourmet 12h ago
so sorry for your loss, and i'm glad you found a partner who is helping you heal! men should allow themselves emotional vulnerability!
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u/Choice_Credit4025 PASTA PASTA PASTA 8h ago
I have no idea what your brother had so completely feel free to ignore this entirely but it would be a very, very, good idea to make sure that whatever your brother had you do not also have.
For example, if it were hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and you also had a copy of the gene, you could start on a beta blocker right now and dramatically improve your prognosis.
Talk to your doctor.
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u/Cultural_Thing1712 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 12h ago
That's beautiful man.
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u/xx_maknz Girl Lurker 10h ago
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u/Life_Parsley504 Girl Lurker 4h ago
I'm commenting so we can establish a little matriarch comment micro-section.
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u/Connect_Engineer_123 Hungry man 10h ago
As someone who lost his (younger) brother a little longer ago, in no particular order:
1) Congratulations on being able to talk about it. I struggled with that for over a year afterwards. At first I couldn't start it, and then I couldn't conclude talking about it, and then I couldn't tell the whole thing without breaking in the middle. It was over 2 years before I could tell the story without breaking in the middle.
2) Your instinct to find someone to help you be more stable on an emotionally important day pointed you to her. Trust that. (And tell her!)
3) One of the reasons my relationship with my wife is as strong as it is is that we've had several crucibles like this that hardwired us into "it's you and me against the problem" instead of "it's you and it's me" or "it's you against me". Someone who stands with you against the troubles that come your (collective) way is someone to hold on to.
4) Our first child is due in under two weeks and my brother would have been an amazing uncle. If things go well for you, there will be many more times in your life where you'll be reminded of the hurt. Welcome to the club, none of us want to be members.
DM me any time if you wanna talk about it.
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u/legodoom bananas for bananas 4h ago
Cooties here:
I too tragically lost my (older) brother nearly 19 years ago (he was 16– struck by a car when he was walking home) and my husband and I just welcomed our first in 2025 and our second 3 weeks ago— and it still never fades. my brother would’ve absolutely loved my kids and I know he would’ve been a killer uncle.Congrats to you on your soon new arrival— it’s a truly incredible experience becoming a parent! And congrats op on finding a person who truly loves and sees you!
Wishing you both nothing but love and healing moving forward. May we remember our loved ones with the fullness of the love they brought us— on good days and bad. 🤍
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u/That_GareBear Leftover Lore Master 7h ago
Ii lost my little brother seven years ago. Much like you, it created a chasm in my life. A void that couldn't be repaired. I left my ex the same week he died, a 16 year relationship. I was hopelessly adrift.
Iet a girl a while after he died, and I told her about him. I told her everything about him. I told her of our adventures and our closeness. I told her about how my mom ditched me on my 16th birthday and my 12 year old brother made me a box cake and lit pieces paper in place of candles. I told her how close we were and how utterly devastated I was to lose him. I cried. I cried a lot. And she cried too. And it was the first time since he died that I hadn't felt alone.
I married her. We keep my brother alive through tales and conversations. We talk about him often. She swears she knew him. We still cry about him together sometimes, when things get bad.
I am so glad you found you a kindred spirit who felt your pain when she didn't experience it first hand. That seems to be a dying trait.
I am so sorry about your brother. There is something special about them. There is something particularly violent about losing them. It's like losing your time machine and becoming trapped in the present without them.
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u/_The_Green_Witch_ Non-binary, 30-39 8h ago
Ugh, reading this made me tear up. I am happy you got a good cry in. Remember, crying is healthy and a clever function of our body. It's a way to wash out excess chemicals form our brains. When analysed under a microscope, tears shed due to different emotions have different crystalline structures because of said chemicals! I hope this will help you be kinder to yourself and maybe get some fried counseling. Facing your emotions is not a weakness; quite the opposite. It's scary and hard as fuck. No one should have to do that alone
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u/DeadSeaGulls Shower Beer Scholar 7h ago
Fellah, crying is fine and you can do it in front of your loved ones. It's far more likely to be a bonding experience than a burden.
Don't bottle shit up like that.
Signed, middle aged caricature of macho hick
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u/InsideAd4280 Leftover Lore Master 12h ago
This sub often depresses me because quite an amount of the posts here are mired in negativity and fairly blatant mysogyny. A post such as yours, openly celebrating a moment of emotional growth, is a delight to read.
I'm very, very sorry for your loss. It may never fully heal but you'll remember your brother and he can live on in you if you allow him to.
I'm also very glad that you've experienced a moment so profound and so beautiful. I'm much older than you, life is a mad journey in my experience. Remember this feeling always, whatever happens.
💚
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u/touch_of_austism Hungry man 12h ago
> fairly blatant mysogyny.
what do you mean?
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u/SELFINCRIMINAT1NG BoyDinnerEnjoyer 10h ago
fr, for what this sub is and compared to a lot of other male-oriented online communities, i feel like there’s a lot more respect for women here and a lot less misogyny
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u/EclecticSyrup I actually like my bf ❤️ 9h ago
I'm not saying you're wrong, and I'm not saying that there is lots of of it in this subreddit, as I only see what makes the front page, so I'm not commenting on that.
However, the notion of 'no one should complain because x is worse than us,' or 'because we're better than most,' is not a good one. The amount of people who don't fight for change in themselves, their relationships, their countries, simply because someone, somewhere is doing something worse is far too high and does no one any favours. Not acknowledging flaws because someone else has bigger ones isn't a good or healthy thing to do.
Imagine if anytime someone fucked up they refused to apologize or work on themselves 'because Hitler existed before, and, hell, billionaires exist now, so why do I need to improve.'
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u/SELFINCRIMINAT1NG BoyDinnerEnjoyer 9h ago
yeah i never claimed that this sub is completely fine or anything just because it isn’t very bad compared to other similar subs. just wanted to refute the idea that this sub is really misogynistic
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u/EclecticSyrup I actually like my bf ❤️ 9h ago
Really meaning 'very' or 'actually'? Because 'blatant' doesn't mean it's very misogynistic, it just means they're not hiding it. All they said was how they felt based on observations they made - which is fine. Again, not the point I'm talking about.
You can refute the idea that it's 'really misogynistic,' but you'd have to explain what you mean by that. I'm just saying that 'well there's more misogynistic communities' doesn't mean the one you're talking about isn't misogynistic and should be questioned, which is all they said - not VERY, not WILDLY, just, blatantly. It's the equivalent of 'well why should I fight for this right in my own country when some countries already have less rights than me.' It's not a healthy way of thinking.
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u/SELFINCRIMINAT1NG BoyDinnerEnjoyer 9h ago
huh?
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u/EclecticSyrup I actually like my bf ❤️ 9h ago
This sub often depresses me because quite an amount of the posts here are mired in negativity and fairly blatant mysogyny [sic].
They said they see blatant misogyny ('blatant,' adj. describing something that is not being hidden in any way, usually because they don't see the act as wrong). They also said that there's 'quite an amount of posts.' Not all, but more than they would like, evidently.
You decided to come in with:
fr, for what this sub is and compared to a lot of other male-oriented online communities, i feel like there’s a lot more respect for women here and a lot less misogyny
What do other male-oriented online communities have to do with anything? Why is this person not allowed to make an observation and explain how they feel about it without someone talking about how it compared to OTHER communities. They're not comparing it to other communities - other communities aren't the topic of conversation, and if you shut down every conversation revolving around improvement because 'x is worse than me' that would be dumb. Same is true about the subreddit. Just because there' MORE misogynistic online communities on the internet, on one can talk about this one? They can't make observations and hope for improvement in this subreddit because there's other, more misogynistic communities out there?
I don't know if that's what you meant when you made the comment, but it's literally what you said. At this point, if you don't understand, I can't explain it any more simply. To refuse improvement because someone else is worse is crazy work though, and you should figure out how to think in an alternative way.
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u/SELFINCRIMINAT1NG BoyDinnerEnjoyer 9h ago
ohhh that’s what you meant, i was confused. i was just trying to point out that i didn’t think the original commenter was particularly accurate, i haven’t seen that much misogyny in this subreddit at all honestly. and then i thought not only that, but that this subreddit is especially good compared to most other male-oriented subreddits. at no point did i say that any misogyny in any sub, including this one, shouldn’t be dealt with accordingly. i just wanted to point out that i don’t think there’s as much here as the original commenter was insinuating
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u/touch_of_austism Hungry man 10h ago
Yes... like person i'm replying to is making this sub sound like r/redpill
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u/FinntheHue Leftover Lore Master 8h ago
The first time you have someone who doesn’t have a blood obligation to you show you genuine empathy and love it can absolutely rock your world. I’m happy for you, OP.
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u/funnyonion22 Shower Beer Scholar 11h ago
I'm very sorry for your loss, friend. Grief sucks. I am so pleased that you've found someone that makes you feel safe enough to express your feelings. It's a wonderful thing to be comforted and supported by people we care about.
To echo others' posts here, you should absolutely let her know how much it means to you.
BUT, (tough love coming) it's not your girlfriend's job to 'fix' this for you. It will be very tempting to make this a key part of your relationship, if she's the only person you've opened up to. Keep talking to her, absolutely, but I think you should also get some professional counselling. There are people who have been trained and have experience in helping others that they can use to help you, too. It can also show your girlfriend that you're not just putting this pressure on her, but are willing to get extra help when needed.
Good luck to you both.
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u/jkoble BoyDinnerEnjoyer 11h ago
Thank you for the tough love, I’ll make sure to keep this in mind so our relationship can last!
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u/Capital-Rush-6058 Whatever 5h ago
this is a very important point! op, please if you can afford it, look into therapy, for you and for her. it's great that you feel safe and can be open about hard stuff with your girlfriend, and she's a kind and empathetic person.
however it is a very common problem in relationships when men bottle up their feelings, don't have friends or don't have deep conversations with friends and don't go to therapy and in the end choose to dump all their stuff onto girlfriends/wives. she shouldn't bear the whole weight. go to therapy, work on having other people in your life to confide in. i'm not saying you shouldn't discuss problems with her, you absolutely should. but you shouldn't rely on her alone for emotional support.
and absolutely check your heart too, even if you have no symptoms. if there is something, it's always better to catch early and get on meds.
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u/Glittering_Net_7734 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 11h ago
I'm a strong advocate to cry as early as you can. When my brother first died, and they took the body away, I listed all that I had to cry and cried for the whole week. If there was something to cry about, some life things that he will miss, I cry.
List everything and cry, it was very healthy for my family in those tough days. There's no feelings that are buried, it was let all out.
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u/TrowaMask Frigid light philosopher 12h ago
Keep her, love her and cherish her dawg.
A mark of the great ones in our life are that they are sincerely happy for us during our successes. And genuinely mourn with us during the tragedies.
Also that gimbap looks healthy af 🙌.
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u/Sir_Wank_aL0T1 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 12h ago
That’s a beautiful thing to have someone there for you during a tough time. I’m glad you have someone to support you emotionally. But please don’t jump into anything serious like marriage right now. Your emotions are high and people tend to make regretful choices when emotions cloud their judgement.
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u/Nahteh Identity Alchemist 10h ago
I would just like to say that healthy marriages are usually made up of 2 people who don't think they deserve eachother but absolutely do.
Now for some bad news. You sound a lot like me. Extreme trauma and repressed emotions. If you like this girl that much you'll need to learn how to not lash out. When you feel insecure about something don't become toxic, become vulnerable enough to share with her why.
If you can do that things could go in your favor. But ultimately relationships fail because people are not emotional or financially mature enough for it to work. Thats OK and it happens all the time.
So my last piece of advice is don't live in the relationship trying to make it work. Live in the relationship to enjoy eachother, learn, and grow as people.
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u/sbb214 Girl Lurker 8h ago
OP I am so sorry for your loss, may his memory be a blessing. congrats on the girlfriend, too. she sounds like a good human being.
I lost my older brother about 3 1/2 years ago to a sudden and very unexpected heart attack in his sleep. I understand your devastation; it was like the world shifted on it's axis and I couldn't right myself.
The thing that helped me the most, in case you don't already know about it, is a grief support group for people who have lost a sibling or child. Everyone there gets it.
There are online and in-person meetings, depending on where you're located. You can plug in your postal code to this meeting locator to find one near you.
And if you can't find one the NYC chapter has a weekly online meeting you can attend from anywhere.
Not all chapters have a sibling-specific meeting so come to the NYC one if you can't find what you need elsewhere.
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u/Particular-Lime1651 Shower Beer Scholar 12h ago
I'm sorry for your loss bro, I can't imagine how difficult that is. Sounds like you've got yourself a keeper though, that's beyond positive! Happy for you
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u/Condition-Mountain Protein Prophet 11h ago
She's a good person. It's pretty normal for a normal person with empathy to cry even hearing about the extreme loss or sadness of others. Happy for you that you've found a really decent, healthy person.
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u/catsnaliens Girl Lurker 12h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss, that’s so heartbreaking. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married 6. We have very different interests, but that has never been an issue. We’ve had some really unfortunate circumstances in the last 2 years, and our compassion and empathy for one another is absolutely the only thing that’s kept us going from one day to the next. I’m so glad you have someone who can offer this to you, and that you recognize the value in it. Best wishes to the both of you. Life is hard so if you find someone who can sit and listen to you, feel you, see you.. that’s a keeper 💕
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u/Tiddlemanscrest fry pan enthusiast 12h ago
Good for you man I’m happy for you lean into this and be vulnerable with her she clearly is a great supporting person. I love you man go live a happy life
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u/thomasrat1 Fridge Light Philosopher 10h ago
Lost my sister decades ago. The pain never goes away, but it does become manageable.
High key, it’s worth taking this day off once you start working. I’ve found as my emotions turned back on slowly, that the month of her death always causes my emotions to get heightened.
Dm me if you ever need someone to talk to, deaths like this feel so isolating
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u/halletally Girl Lurker 8h ago
Doesn’t it feel so good to ugly cry? I finally did yesterday while listening to “the one that got away” by Katy Perry, acoustic version. I recommend listening to it if you need a good cry.
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u/Savings-Avocado-7136 Girl Lurker 2h ago edited 6m ago
Your post popped up on my feed, and I’m not sure why or how, but I’m glad, because what a beautiful story.
It’s not the same thing, but I almost lost my brother, who is really my best friend, a few years back to addiction. I won’t get into the specifics but let’s just say he should be dead, and it’s nothing short of the greatest luck that he’s still alive today (and sober). But I share this because it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, putting one foot in front of the other each day while convinced any moment I was going to get a call that he was gone from his own making, and given the stigmas of addiction and his very bad behavior while in it, I kinda held it all in and didn’t share with anyone. Every day just felt like putting on a face to greet the world and then coming home and collapsing to grief and fear and panic. All I wanted was someone else to sit with me. It felt like its own kind of hell to move through that period alone.
You know, just my honest opinion, but age means nothing with two hearts like yours. I hope you two have each other for a long, long, forever kinda time. 💛
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u/Fun-Heron-7609 Fridge Light Philosopher 12h ago
I'm sorry for your loss. Prayers to you and your family. Any loss is really hard to take, losing a sibling, a child is immeasurable. Your brother is loved and that means a lot.
I think you should voice and process your grief. Bottling all that isn't going to help and you're likely to hurt someone you love because of this. Hurt as in by words and actions, that may result from unprocessed grief. If you're comfortable talking to your gf, may be next time just tell her how you feel. Or, write it all down for you to get that closure. Best option is to go to counseling but not everyone feels the necessity the same way and I don't know your financial situation. One way or another, find a way to let it all out and set that weight aside.
Good luck and God bless.
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u/Severe_Rise8694 Shower Beer Scholar 12h ago
Sorry about your brother. ..but happy for you for the girl in your life.
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u/No_Foundation1136 Hungry man 12h ago
I am glad you have someone you can start to process this with. As someone who lost a parent young I relate to this as I didn’t really let myself grieve for years. Keep working on this, just keep in mind that therapy exists for a reason and it can be good to talk about these things with someone objective too. It’s not one or the other but to get through this past trauma and be the version of yourself you want for the future both will help. Keep up the work, it’s hard but worth it so things your not aware of don’t continue to fester
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u/_shaftpunk Hungry man 11h ago
As someone who has lost a few people close to me, a quick word of advice. Celebrate their birthday and do other things for yourself to distract yourself on their death day. Eventually it will become just another day.
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u/trolleyblue BoyDinnerEnjoyer 11h ago
Yo…just chiming in to say I’m sorry. We lost my brother in law in the same way 2 and a half years ago. Heart attack in the middle of the night. 30 years old. Absolutely shattered our lives. My wife and I still cry about it quite a bit. Hardest fucking thing I’ve ever gone through. Much love to you and your family. I’m happy you have someone to talk about it with that you love. It helps a lot.
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u/Expendable_Red_Shirt Big guy, bigger regrets 10h ago
I’m very happy you found someone so compassionate. If you have 3 minutes I strongly recommend watching Stephen Colbert answering a question from Anderson Cooper about grief. Both Anderson and Stephen lost family as children and the answer Stephen Colbert gives is one of the most poignant and insightful things I’ve ever seen and I think it relates a lot to what you’re experiencing.
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u/DR_BEANHAMMER Fridge Light Philosopher 10h ago
Hold on to her, share everything inside of you, and make her feel comfortable doing the same. I am married to a similarly beautiful person whose kindness, support, and empathy has changed my life. These people are few and far between to say the least. Be with her and be like her.
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u/theflush1980 Gay Gourmet 10h ago
It’s good to be vulnerable in front of each other. It sounds like you both found love, cherish it.
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u/itzgianna Girl Lurker 9h ago
i have no clue what happened to your brother but i cried reading this . i’m sorry for you loss
:( i lost my mom at a young age suddenly . i understand to an extent of bottling up those feelings so i wont burden my dad . like everyone has said. i’d tell her how much that means to you . she has a heart .
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u/greenwoodgiant Hungry man 9h ago
I'm remembering my college love, and am genuinely so happy for you bro. Hope you hold on to each other for a long time.
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u/Z0mbiejay Leftover Lore Master 9h ago
I'm very sorry for your loss dude. I'm glad you found a safe space to open up. It's really comforting having someone to confide in when you can't process. Hope you and your family can find some healing
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u/AlexFunkBass BoyDinnerEnjoyer 9h ago
Damn, now I’m tearing up too. A beautiful moment of empathy and vulnerability. She’s the real deal. Hoping you find peace and comfort as you continue to navigate through the grief and healing process.
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u/nikkowould Gay Gourmet 9h ago
I’m so sorry about your brother. Your girlfriend’s crying shows how much empathy she has for others. She sounds like a keeper.
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u/Prestigious_Fact_669 Gay Gourmet 9h ago
It’s not the same level of loss by any means but my partner never got to meet my estranged dad before he passed. He told me the other night that although he will never meet him physically, he loves to meet him through me and my stories. I share every time a memory of my dad comes up and I encourage you to do the same, OP, if it doesn’t feel impossible.
Remembering our loved ones and the funny/sweet/wholesome memories you had with them is a beautiful way of keeping your spirits connected and has helped my grieving process immensely. I’m so sorry for your loss.
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u/greenfiend69 Identity Alchemist 9h ago
When I saw “… I want to marry her so bad.” A smile just completely took over my face.
Love has no timeline nor is it bound by your age. It isn’t “only 8 months,” and you aren’t “just a college student.” You’re in love with her. Point, blank, period, and full stop. My parents dated for 2 months and were married until my dad’s death 31 years later. Happily. I always saw them loving to each other, caring for each other, and I swear I never saw them argue. This can be anyone’s story—including yours.
Follow your heart, always, and live your love by just feeling it. I’m happy you’ve found such a beautiful love. Tell her you love her whenever the thought and feeling come. Best to both of you 🫂 cheers to a beautiful future. 🩵🥂
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u/DJ_Masson Shower Beer Scholar 9h ago
When I was around 21-22, I was aggressively reminded of childhood trauma I'd buried, and the same-age woman I was dating sat with me while I ugly cried about it. She still found me attractive and emotionally mature, which unlocked so much trust in her. As others have said, tell your girl what that night meant to you. Trust her more with your emotions, communicate what's going on. Just be aware that these things are heavy for your partner, too -- make sure she's not your only outlet for processing these things. You've already done a great service to each other by opening up about your brother, use that as a model to communicate and ask how your partner is doing, too.
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u/ThatOneMFnGrom Man vs Fridge (Fridge is winning) 9h ago
So stoked for you brother. I lost my sister when I was young and have now been dating a girl for like 8 months and had the same experience. I told her about my sisters death and how it affected me and she cried for me in a similar way. I feel you man. We are so blessed to have found good women that see our hearts and support our grief. God bless my friend
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u/justanothertfatman Fridge Light Philosopher 9h ago
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry, so I cry for him." - Subotai, Conan the Barbarian (1982)
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u/DescriptionDecent376 Girl lurker 9h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss but so glad you have a good person beside you!
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u/Madroc92 Suburban Dadbod 8h ago
So happy for you. I’m a lot older than you (48M), I’ve been in good relationships and bad ones (including a bad marriage), I’m in an awesome relationship now, and if there’s one single factor that defines a good relationship I’d say it’s empathy. Definitely tell her how much it means to you like other posters are saying.
Whatever course this relationship runs, you’ll remember her as one of the good ones.
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u/Alternative-Nerve744 Macro Mourner 8h ago
This post made me cry for you, for your family, for how the answers showed a glimpse of beauty in reddit, and frankly envy for your relationship, but in a good way, somehow. And I commend you for noticing her value (it is actually not a given nor so easy as it seams, I know I have failed to do so).
Grief is a very complex emotion, very intense but at the same time very numbing and very rare to experience hence so hard to handle. You do not need to be strong all the time, it is also a virtue to let others be strong for you. I hope you learn to navigate your grief. Hugs
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u/super_sayanything Hungry man 8h ago
9 months is significant. Cheers mate! I've had women react differently to losses and it shows a lot. One didn't want me to talk about it, the other would hold me through the night. Glad you found your person!
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u/SingerIcy7147 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 8h ago
First, so sorry for your loss. Second I love seeing happy stories on this sub that show what we all long for.
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u/QuantumBeckett Air Fryer Aristocrat 8h ago
I'm so happy for you! A bit of advice from an older dude, tell her so.
You may have felt compelled to share because you realized you are in a safe relationship.
It's great you shared this with us, but include her too. If she may be the person for you don't be afraid to trust her.
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u/ninetynyne BoyDinnerEnjoyer 8h ago
Hey dude. Sorry for your loss.
Do yourself a favor and either take advantage of student benefits and get therapy, or at the very least, allow yourself to feel sad and cry sometimes.
Don't wind up like the vast majority of us dudes and wind up being unable to express your emotions when you need to.
You'll be better for it, I promise.
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u/Lewinskibidi Girl Lurker 8h ago
People like that are rare, I sincerely hope you both have a loving happy relationship for as-long as you wish it to continue.
As for not feeling good enough, something positive you can do for yourself (but also your relationship long term) is seek out therapy. It will help you deal with your feelings regarding your brothers death, and ultimately yourself. You grew up minimising your feelings for others and you deserve to feel loved and to feel like you matter too. You are important, loved and deserve to feel worthy of these things.
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u/Planktonboy Shower Beer Scholar 8h ago
Try and start a proper conversation with your parents, you're clearly all traumatised. The thing is, if you don't address the elephant in the room you won't be able to spend any quality time together.
You being sad isn't a hardship for them, you're all sad and knowing that will help.
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u/yungScooter30 Gay Gourmet 8h ago
Glad you found someone like her. She clearly has decent emotional maturity and cares about you. Wishing you both the best ^_^ love love
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u/SchrodingersGatos Protein Prophet 8h ago
As a relatively young person like yourself, I too lost my mother due to a similar condition as your bother about five years ago, and my brother about two years ago due to medical issues (different than my mother's but... Still hurts to remember it)... I completely understand how you feel in these situations as I do and react the same. I can honestly say, it does suck at times and, it's hard for me to even talk or mention without getting a dense knot in my throat.
I'm glad that you got to share this moment with someone who means a lot to you. It's as bleak of a silver lining as it gets in these situations, but its a hell of a lot better than dealing with it alone. I hope that you get to come to find peace and acceptance. You're not alone.
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u/yomommasbathwater Gay Gourmet 7h ago
I lost my brother 10 years ago, also to a heart attack in the middle of the night at the age of 41. I empathize with the issues you struggle with
Your post was really beautiful and made me cry, not out of sadness, but out of warmth for the love this girl has given to you
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u/s9n1a [Build your own girl] 7h ago
was dating my ex when my dad died. he was there for me, but couldn't relate to my pain despite knowing my dad and having a relationship with him.
my current boyfriend celebrates all meaningful events for my dad with me, and for his birthday this year he bought my dad a cake and we decorated it together. we sang to a photo of my dad and cried together.
when someone can share in your grief, especially when they never knew the person you love, it's so emotional. i love that feature about my boyfriend. i'm glad your girlfriend can do that for you too
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u/firstfamiliar Boy Dinner Enjoyer 7h ago
Not me tearing up after reading that LOL. Happy for you bro. It’s never a bad time to confront your emotions and I’m glad you have someone you can confide in and share that emotional burden. No one deserves to do it by themself.
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u/EggHoliday5896 Girl Lurker 7h ago
Thanks for sharing this, I lost my older brother years ago and also felt like I had to be the “okay” one in the family. When I finally shared with my now husband, he cried with me. He just got it. It’s a beautiful moment to discover that you can be vulnerable and your person accepts you and feels it with you. I’m so sorry that you’ve felt like you’ve had to repress everything, and I’m so sorry for your loss. But I’m so happy for you to have found this beautiful bond.
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u/smileybunnie Girl Lurker 7h ago
I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to deal with a loss like that.
I’m so happy for you have her in your life. It’s really sweet that she reacted that way.
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u/SeesawDelicious4677 Gravy Seal 6h ago
Your brother, it would seem, still has your back. So sorry for your loss. Lead with your heart and don’t worry about overburdening. Trust her. You got this. (Married my dream girl who I had absolutely nothing in common with initially and I am quite literally the happiest man in the world. Be the yin to that yang, baby).
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u/randombarbs hangry biatch 6h ago
It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
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u/Immediate-Storage265 Gay Gourmet 6h ago
Finally, something on this app that isn’t gross.
I’m so happy for you. Love is a powerful thing.
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u/ljw93 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 6h ago
It was the two year anniversary of losing my younger brother (at 26), in a somewhat similar situation, last week.
Wouldn’t have gotten through the whole ordeal anywhere near as well (subjectively speaking) as I have if it weren’t for being able to be vulnerable and emotional around my wife or being able to talk about it all and the emotional side of everything with my friends.
Being able to discuss, process, cry about, this stuff with people who make you feel like you can without judgement is such a hugely important part of dealing with grief, I’m glad you’ve found someone that makes you feel safe enough to share.
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u/Medium_Cupcake8405 Girl Lurker 6h ago
I lost my sister suddenly a few years ago - I know how much it rips a hole in your heart and how hard it can be to talk to others about because of how heavy it feels. I’m glad you’ve found someone you can be open with and who seems really supportive. Sending lots of vibes to you both 💛
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u/Silent_Vegan_Chef Identity Alchemist 5h ago
I love this for you!! It’s sad to see you say you’re unsure if you deserve her though. You do. You deserve her, all the love she’s given, and all the love others are extending to you as well. Be deserving of her, be the man she deserves and do everything with her heart and best interest in mind, extend to her the compassion she has shown you. Show her, tell her, love her to the best of your ability, at all times 🫶🏼
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u/Rev-Ry Big guy, bigger regrets 5h ago
I’m so glad you found someone who loves you as you deserve. What you described is very special! As for being young, my wife and I got married in college, and still went on to get Masters, but we wouldn’t recommend people get married in college, but it worked for us… When I told my parents my dad said, “when you know you know!” It sounds like you know!!!
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u/Iminurcomputer BoyDinnerEnjoyer 4h ago
I was only 6 months or so into my relationship when my now wife went and did something so special on the anniversary of my mom passing. It's important to note that I was dating someone else when she passed, and this person never came close to doing what my wife did. We broke up not long after.
I was leaving work that morning and pulling out of my garage and saw a big basket on my front porch. My girlfriend at the time had put together a little gift basket for me complete with flowers, snacks, a nice card and one other thing that really made it clear this woman was someone you keep. She remembered me telling her about a particular candle scent that reminded me of my mom. I had actually "taken" this candle from her bathroom (with her knowledge) cause she never used it and it smelled sooooo good. Well my girlfriend went and found the exact same scent and manufacturer of that candle and bought like 3 giant candles of that same scent for me. Crrrriiiieeeeddddd like a baby for a minute. That kind of thoughtfulness was new to me, but I knew it was as good as I can possibly find in this world. We got married about 4 months ago! Hoping for the best for you. She can probably help not just you, but your family heal with time. Take care.
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u/DedicantOfTheMoon Big guy, bigger regrets 4h ago
Son.
Tell her.
Let yourself cry.
Knowing she has healed part of you.... nothing means more.
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u/aniyasmomecwi Girl lurker 4h ago
Shes the one that you need, Id say wife her! I love seeing the good stories on here like this, sorry about your brother🖤
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u/Ppleater Girl Lurker 4h ago
Something I want to point out, is that you felt the need to stay strong for your parents, and I'm curious if that's something that you felt because of the way your parents reacted whenever you showed emotion about it, or if it was something you felt compelled or expected to do in general? I feel like this is important to bring up because a lot of people, especially a lot of men, feel like that's just how they're supposed to act by default. But you yourself felt very comforted by being able to share your grief with your girlfriend, to have someone grieve with you, and I can't help but think it's possible your parents would feel the same way. I'm not saying this to try and tell you you grieved wrong, but I think some people internalize unhealthy expectations on how they're supposed to help others who are grieving alongside them, and it ends up inadvertently hurting everyone including themself. Maybe I'm off the mark and they were the ones who made you feel that you needed to act that way, but if not, it might be worth bringing up with them, and maybe it can help everyone to be able to grieve together instead of enduring apart. Just something worth thinking about I think I think. I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm glad you have someone you can be open with about it.
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u/jesus-cares Girl Lurker 4h ago
I am so happy for you. YES, you deserve her. It made my heart so happy to read how much you love her and admire her... you definitely do deserve her with how much appreciation you have for her. I usually get carried away with these beautiful stories because I was yelling in my mind YES! MARRY HER Hahahahaha but man... they say that you know early. It doesn't take years to make up your mind when the right one is in front of you. I'm so very sorry about your brother, and all the harm his loss has caused your family and yourself. I'm very grateful that you can finally open up because when the gunk spills out of those wounds, you can then begin to heal. I wish you a beautiful life and that dish looks amazing!
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u/undead182 Fridge Light Philosopher 3h ago
my wife and i started out with something similar. we were just friends at the time, in our own separate, and both toxic relationships. my dad got diagnosed with cancer and aside from the store manager of the store we both worked at, she was the only person i told/that knew outside my family/relatives. she hugged me after i told her and it stuck with me. eventually we both ended our toxic relationships around the same time, we hung out, and have been together pretty much every day for the last 11 years( married for 8 this december)
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u/reverberation31 Shower Beer Scholar 3h ago
Mine did that once when I was out of town for my Grandfather’s funeral…some people are truly awful.
*edit: HOLY SHIT I READ CHEATED NOT CRIED lmao I’m so sorry and also glad you’re in such a wonderful relationship!
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u/Omagga Fridge Light Philosopher 3h ago
I relate a lot.
So much of what you wrote about here parallels my and my family's experiences after my brother died 12 years ago. I was a sophomore in college, he was 4 years older than me, and he died unexpectedly. All the details... fracturing the family, my dad became deeply and perpetually depressed, I withdrew and isolated and became dissociated while unable to process the grief.
All this to say: The way you're writing about it already shows me you have a terrific head on your shoulders. You are processing it so much better than you might think. You're strong, introspective, thoughtful; you're resilient, and you deserve all the wonderful support you're getting from this girl.
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u/shreddiee Shower Beer Scholar 3h ago
Stuff like this is so underrated in a relationship. She’s my ex now, but she would occasionally ask how my brother was doing because she knew he was an alcoholic and would encourage me to check on him more. Empathy is easily one of my favorite qualities in a person.
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u/WideServe3620 Girl Lurker 2h ago
I’m a female who sees these boy dinner diaries on my feed every now and then, and I just want to say this is truly the midst heartwarming post I’ve ever read. So sorry for the tragic loss of your brother. Losing a family member is so hard, but I can’t imagine the pain of losing a sibling. Your girlfriend sounds like an incredible human being. Please share with her how special this was to you. Sounds like you two were meant to be.
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u/pickedusername1 Girl lurker 2h ago
I’m sorry about your brother’s passing. You deserve love and comfort and I’m glad your girlfriend is empathetic. Sending you good wishes
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u/LickinThighs2 Fridge Light Philosopher 2h ago
Brother, I'm so happy for you that you felt safe enough with your partner to share how that's made you feel, and how beautifully empathetic she was learning about all that hurt you carry with you. I'm glad you got to share that with her, man. That strikes me as some true and genuine love the two of you have for one another :)
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u/DarkseidHS BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1h ago
I lost my brother 11 years ago, and not a day goes by where im not randomly sad about it. I hate to say it never gets better, but it does get a little easier. Stay strong.
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u/OkAvocado9969 Hungry man 1h ago
Recently I lost my uncle the exact same way 8 months, he was a healthy man and never had any issues and one night he was sleeping and suddenly he went into cardiac arrest, it was speculated that it was due to stress as he lost his job recently. He left behind 3 kids and a wife whom the eldest just started college and the youngest has severe autism.
Take care of yourself, stress really kills you. it’s good that you have someone to talk to. I’ll keep your brother in my prayers.
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u/jesiholm Bisexual Lemon Bar Lover 1h ago
This is extremely lovely, friend. Also, so sorry for your loss of your brother ❤
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u/kissmyangst Girl Lurker 11h ago
I’m a little bit older than you but my sister also passed away in her sleep due to a sudden heart attack and she was healthy and athletic. Telling a partner is weird and awkward and I’m sure she is grateful for your transparency. She sounds like a keeper and a deeply empathetic person. Sending you peace 💛💛.
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u/katastrophe_98 Girl Lurker 10h ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is everlasting but it gets easier as time goes on. I'm glad your girlfriend is so supportive of you. It's important to have a good and safe support system.
I highly suggest EMDR therapy whenever you are ready for it. It's a tough process and therapy isn't cheap so that's why I say when you are ready for it. No need to spend money on therapy when you aren't ready to let it all out. But EMDR specifically is great for trauma. I had pretty severe PTSD from trauma dealing with death and it was life changing. It helps you process while you sleep and helps rewire your brain so trauma is easier to deal with. I seriously can't recommend it enough. I've seen people recommend Tetris as it sort of mimics the eye movements of EMDR so helps with processing trauma.
But for real you're so strong for dealing with grief. It fucking sucks. But it does get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you all the best and I know your brother would be proud of you! Also the gimbap looks delicious
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u/ExtraGingerSpice Girl Lurker 10h ago
Yes! I never see anyone recommend EMDR (or even EMD) but they can be life changing. It never fails to amaze me how it works even though it seems so simple. I hope OP gives it a shot.
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u/itsnotcopium Leftover Lore Master 9h ago
That's so beautiful man. I'm an addict and its really hard to stay clean when you just don't care about yourself. But seeing my girlfriend cry for me and explaining she hated to see me in pain as I battle through it really woke me up. I care a lot about her and if she cares that much about me, I should too. I hope you tell her how much it means to you, its a beautiful bonding experience to have such empathy for your partner. Im a week sober now, longest ive gone in years and her hugs make my heart feel so full, i can keep fighting.
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u/North-Engineer3335 Trans Fats Connoisseur 12h ago
How wonderful that you've found a partner that can encourage you to continue processing your grief and keep your brother's memory alive
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u/SnooPies9342 Fridge Light Philosopher 12h ago
It is okay to process those feelings OP. You are human.
She obviously cares immensely about you. It is a beautiful thing to have my friend.
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u/micro_pigeon Girl Lurker 11h ago
Love this for you, dude ❤️ make sure you let her know how much it meant to you, it'll mean a lot. Congratulations on your happy relationship.
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u/OrangeCupcakeLover Girl Lurker 11h ago
I'm glad you two found each other. She does sound like a real keeper.
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u/NoWrongdoer756 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 11h ago
Oh man the back home ugly cry is so real. But it sounds like you found someone who truly cares about you. That’s really special man.
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u/rahther Protein Prophet 11h ago
I’m sorry for your loss and glad that you met someone that can fill a void in you and your life. I lost my brother recently due to a complication from a genetic disease and it’s hard.
I can’t help but notice something; however, that your brother was healthy, athletic and passed away suddenly from a sudden heart condition. It is very similar to something I know called HCM Heart ( Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy) which is a genetic heart condition that affects how the heart is structured. Now I am not a doctor but the reason I am bringing this up is because this condition is genetic and happens to several members of the family before anyone knows or aware of it. If diagnosed properly, it could be managed.
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u/MineBM Air Fryer Aristocrat 10h ago
Nine months is relatively early… but was also around the time I started feeling the same way about my girlfriend back in 2024. Now, I’m having the ring made as I type this and plan on proposing to her before the end of the year!
I think we all hope to meet someone at our best so as to not scare them away with our humanity, but sometimes it’s those lowest moments that reveal just how much that other person cares about you. She cares a lot, and I’m glad that means a lot to you.
Don’t get too hung up on y’all not being carbon copies of each other. Just keep yourself open to participating in her special interests for her sake, and I’m sure she’ll do the same for you. Now, that’s not to say you both will be convinced on every little thing, but you’ll be surprised with how much you can enjoy something that you’d written off in the past!
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u/subliminally_wired Air Fryer Aristocrat 9h ago
You won the lottery my man, make sure you express to her how much she means to you. Congratulations and remeber that communicating your emotions, good or bad, will always put you in a better place than trying to remain "strong". Vulnerability is true strength.
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u/Psychogamous Girl Lurker 6h ago
Stop! This made me tear up so much. Beautiful!
Reminds me of me and my man, I have a horrendous mother. My man was the first person to get mad when I told him what happened to me. It was so comforting. I felt truly protected and seen for the first time.
We are complete opposite people too! We just celebrated our 7 year anniversary and got engaged! There hasn’t been a hiccup in our relationship because of comforting communication like you explained.
You guys got this! 9 months, but still impacted your life more than any other people. Grief is heavy, trust me I know. I’m so sorry you have to go through it! Be gentle to yourself. Thank you so much for sharing!
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