I’ve got a huge crush on a good friend’s ex

[u/True-Slide8377]

Food is chips I took home from a work function.

Everyone mentioned here myself included are all in our 20s.

I got a new job just over a year ago after being bullied into leaving, and I very quickly hit it off with one of the guys who’s my age, we had lots in common so it kinda came naturally. Later that day he introduces me to his gf who also worked with us.

He ended up quitting the job but we stayed very close friends, and circumstances forced me and his gf to work together a lot more, which was not a bad thing because we get along great.

Earlier this year I learned that they broke up, and I didn’t know for at least a few weeks after they actually broke things off. I felt horrible because they genuinely seemed to love each other so much and it sucked seeing it happen to people I care about.

Me and her were still working together more but there was lots of tension and misunderstandings that were ultimately due to a lack of communication and that I was coming to the unfortunate conclusion that I was developing feelings for a friend’s ex. Ultimately, she and I worked things out but not a single soul (not even my irl friends) knows the truth about how I feel.

I genuinely look forward to working w her because we have such a good connection and it feels like I’m betraying a good friend who has been there for me when it counts lately.

What do I do? I’m like quadruple fucked in this situation bc it’s a friend’s ex that I work with.

Tldr developing feelings for a friend’s ex with whom I also work

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[u/Impressive-Suit-]

Man it ain’t that fuckin hard to not date women your boys have been with. There are so many damn people on this planet, posts like this just pmo 🙄

[u/Naive_Building5764 → u/Impressive-Suit-]

The lack of discipline is unsettling.

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/Naive_Building5764]

I really do feel guilty that out of everyone on the planet, it’s my friend’s ex. I’m scared of what will happen because I don’t want to risk spiraling out of control like I have before (letting my feelings go unheard and then exploding forth instantly)

[u/human_not_alien → u/True-Slide8377]

I already commented but bro code isn't a thing. Weigh your choices simply on the consequences that are likely and what you value more. You're in your 20s man, people date around social groups constantly. It causes drama yes but people move on. You aren't breaking some sacred rule of manhood if you date somebody's ex. Your crush can make her own decisions. Do what you feel is best and be sincere in your next move.

[u/Special-Homework-894 → u/human_not_alien]

It’s 100 percent a thing and if they decide to move forward they need to be ready to lose the friend

[u/human_not_alien → u/Special-Homework-894]

Yes you are right about the friendship likely ending, but that's not a "bro code" violation that's just a basic consequence of dating within a social group. The other is rooted in "bros before hoes" logic which is explicitly sexist and stupid.

[u/Special-Homework-894 → u/human_not_alien]

So it doesn’t exist because it’s rooted in things that are negative?

[u/human_not_alien → u/Special-Homework-894]

I'm saying it is made up and not real. People (namely, men) believe it, but that doesn't make it real. It is a weird concept that men pressure other men into abiding by, as if someone's former boyfriend has any say in a relationship forming that doesn't involve him. It's none of the friend's business. He won't be happy, but shit happens. He'll get over it.

[u/yearoftherabbit_]

I wouldn't do it

[u/RevolutionaryDig2773]

Typically it’s a no go, at least if you got some respect for your buddy.

[u/saradahokage1212 → u/RevolutionaryDig2773]

all those rules, only one life, OP shoot your shot

[u/RevolutionaryDig2773 → u/saradahokage1212]

what are you a woman

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/RevolutionaryDig2773]

I’m trying to go and talk to other girls to try and get this situation out of my mind, and he’s my friend and I don’t wanna hurt him but man this shit is tough to deal with the first time around.

[u/ammoae → u/True-Slide8377]

The intensity of the feelings is likely amplified by the fact that it’s taboo. Don’t do it, you’ll lose a friendship for little or no benefit

[u/Adorable-Advisor-791 → u/ammoae]

Ah yes… the Taboo. It will get you every time, if you let it.

[u/saradahokage1212 → u/True-Slide8377]

dont, just shoot your shot. you never know.

[u/Mpit_21]

Don't break the code. It's not worth it. Don't lose a friend who was there for you when you needed him. She's also your coworker. Think about the consequences.

[u/BillyBobBoBoss]

Is it even mutual? If she's just being friendly then c'mon bro, find ways to distract yourself or something

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/BillyBobBoBoss]

I mean I think? Maybe? I can’t tell honestly, I’ve got lots of trouble with reading in between the lines and situations like this. If it’s not the case, I’m already trying to take my mind off it by talking to other ppl

[u/BillyBobBoBoss → u/True-Slide8377]

yeeeah in my experience it's pretty obvious when a girl has some interest. If she's not making excuses to hang with you 1 on 1 then I don't think there is a "situation", bro. You just have a crush. And that's cool, just don't act on it.

[u/Joezepey]

Violation of the bro code. Don't do it

[u/MuayThaiMich → u/Joezepey]

Yeah.. IF OP tries to make a move then he will be labeled NOT A BRO❌ for life

[u/Moskvincit0]

You don't shit where you eat.

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/Moskvincit0]

I mean, history has proven that we are both not above dating or expressing interest in a coworker, but if that were to happen I would quit or put in a request to transfer.

[u/Moskvincit0 → u/True-Slide8377]

Well that its a smart move if you aint gonna think of your bro while dating his ex

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/Moskvincit0]

Sorry, I meant if, for whatever reason, he was never in the picture or if we were never close. I should’ve clarified in that comment

[u/_Mahtog_]

Feelings for a friend's ex, check. Feelings have gotten stronger since they broke up? Check. You guys are also co-workers? Check

Honestly those are lines you really don't want to cross. Unless your friend drifted away, you and her got closer and didn't work together anymore then maybe but that's a predicament you put yourself in. I'd bury the feelings and move on, the drama and shitstorm that could unfold from this isn't worth it, especially since you just got this job last year. Don't jeopardize your career and friendships for some 😺.

[u/IcyWay8049]

Millions of women in the world you go for your buddies

[u/Ok_Organization8455 → u/IcyWay8049]

He's mistaking the time old classic formulate...

Time together + familiarity = deceiving/misguided attraction.

This isn't a story of love, this is a story of attraction. And if it isn't true love, it isn't worth risking a homies feelings

[u/vMisplan]

Talk to him first, i promise you that’s the root of all potential problems and fear. Whatever you do, talk to yo bestfriend first. Ask how he feels about her still and how he feels about you having feelings for her.

That way you eliminate going behind his back, if he gives you the ok, then ok. If he doesn’t and tells you that makes him uncomfortable, this is the point where you rationalize. If you go ahead anyway despite your friend’s disapproval and you both don’t work,you lose more than a girlfriend(if you even make it that far) and the bestfriend of longer years. If this girl is not who you potentially see yourself getting married to sown the line( it’s a stretch) I would listen to your friend. I could be wrong tho, I’m just saying.

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/vMisplan]

I think you’re right, the root of my guilt is from it being his ex I’m developing feelings for. It didn’t seem like it was a bad breakup from what I heard, but I don’t know what happened in private. I feel like he might react ok, but it’s still an extremely scary conversation to think about having with a friend.

[u/Kaena230]

He may be a good friend but you are not if you are even considering pursuing her. This is coming from somebody who dated my friends ex. Trust me once you get what you want, you just feel like a piece of shit. The only circumstance in which this is acceptable is if you ask him straight up ask him "Hey dude, are you cool if I try to date your ex?" And he gives you the go ahead.

[u/AgentIntelligent4269]

Go touch some grass, take a sick day, go play with animals in a shelter. You need a positive outlet

Friend ex’s are OFF LIMITS

come on man be a better friend.

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/AgentIntelligent4269]

I know that’s generally how it’s supposed to be, and I never try to go for it without other friends and their s/o’s for that exact reason. I’m only ashamed because we get along so well when we work together and I find her extremely attractive.

I’m really beating myself up over this because I really care about the both of them.

[u/Ok_Organization8455]

This goes beyond just "Bro code". Im willing to bet u read everyone telling u no, but ur feelings will ignore everyone's advice. So let me try to frame this constructively.

What you are experiencing is attraction rooted in either lust, or infatuation. It's hard to recognize true compatibility that can translate into genuine love. You are spending more time with this girl than you normally would and it's developing familiarity disguising as legitimate chemistry.

As we grow older we recognize this better and better, but I'm willing to bet a large amount of money, that you guys are just getting along and you're developing feelings that will BETRAY U in the long run.

Unless this person is 100% showing signs of legitimate MARRIAGE levels of chemistry... Then you will end up in a world of drama and pain at the end of it. It's up to u to recognize if it's real or not, but if it isn't glaringly obviously real, then you are being tricked by infatuation and lust

[u/Upstairs_Battle_2117]

Me personally I say don’t shit where you eat, but at the very least just talk to him first

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[u/Adorable-Advisor-791]

My brother… I have been there.

This is not a road you want to go down. This shit will haunt you for the rest of your life. It not only has the potential to fuck up your career trajectory, but the guilt of it will also eat you alive.

It’s ok for you to care about her. It’s ok for you to find her attractive. But under no circumstances is it ok for you to act on it.

One of the hardest lessons we have to learn as men is how to let go of feelings just like what you’re having. Maybe this chick likes you back, maybe she doesn’t. Don’t try to find out. Just keep being her friend and co-worker, and if eventually she confesses to her feelings being more than friendly, firmly stand your ground and tell her you can’t do that to your boy and/or it’s not worth risking your job over.

Good luck my friend. I hope you fare better than I did.

[u/Sweet_Pie1768]

Then ask them out on a date.

[u/shadys_bacc]

https://giphy.com/gifs/qiDb8McXyj6Eg

[u/GenZGatsby]

When a buddy and his ex broke up (on good terms), my parents tried setting me up with my buddy's ex. I didn't try to get with her out of respect for my buddy. Trust me, it's not worth it. If you actually value your friendship, you won't go for the ex. If an extra chromey homie like me can resist it, so can you 🙂

[u/Weed-Priest]

no, just no...

[u/Doomcookie_123]

The only real "do it" justification, is that you knew him before you knew her.

If they hadn't been dating, and you never met her, would you have initially gone for him at work? I'm not going to immediately say to not go after him, but you should at least find out more, even if it's to get a sense of how he feels. So long as you were not the cause of confrontations between them, then you may be in the clear.

But yeah, it's a risk.

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/Doomcookie_123]

I’m not certain I know what you mean. Can you clarify?

[u/Doomcookie_123 → u/True-Slide8377]

My apologies, I got something mixed up.

Yeah, this is a dicey game to play.

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/Doomcookie_123]

To answer your original question, yeah if he was not in the picture, I would go for it without a second thought. Putting aside us being coworkers (history has shown that her and I both are not above developing feelings for coworkers, more on my past on another future post), I do feel incredibly guilty for having these feelings, and to a certain extent you’re not in control of who your brain decides that you like.

[u/Opposite_Chart9982]

Dawg, no. These are thoughts that you keep to yourself and don't ever act upon.

[u/Desperate-Froyo-]

Just read the title and will say don’t do it. If you do it’s an asshole move.

[u/Old_Instrument_Guy]

Never date a fellow employee. Full stop. My wife of 32 years and I were coworkers for almost two years. We did not start dating till I left for another pisition.

Work is work.

[u/throway212023]

Not even bro code but i cannot see how this doesnt have a good chance of blowing up in everyone's faces. Not saying its impossible for shit to work out but you literally have so many red flags as to why ts is most likely not a good idea 😭😭😭

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/throway212023]

Yeah, I gave it some thought, and I am going to have to really consider her if she actually does express any kind of interest. In the past, those feelings were more of an intrusive thought that I could easily push aside. They somehow grew into something bigger, but I think that if I reframe it as an intrusive thought then it won’t be a problem and I can keep both relationships healthy.

[u/theoceansaredying_]

she never belonged to him and while there is honor lost amongst two, worse things are happening.

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/theoceansaredying_]

Can you elaborate? I’m not sure I know what you mean

[u/theoceansaredying_ → u/True-Slide8377]

no, sorry. 

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/theoceansaredying_]

Wait hold up my brain wasn’t working.

Yeah I sobered up I realized it’s just something I need to frame as an intrusive thought upon which I must never act

[u/theoceansaredying_ → u/True-Slide8377]

bot behavior 

[u/forcebynature]

You didn't know a "close" friend broke up with his girlfriend ? Lol maybe close means a different thing to me but bro code big dawg, bro code.

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/forcebynature]

He’s got a tendency to go dark and dive into his work, and at the time the both of us were going thru some mental health struggles. I learned from her that they broke up but he and I have gotten closer since the split actually.

[u/Sufficient-Quiet-823]

Das ist Uran Gebiet. Das ist wie eine verseuchte Zone, die darfst dz einfach nicht mehr betreten ! BRO REGEL

[u/pepperisspiicccy]

Date her. You only met him at work, you don’t work with each other, and fuck it. Could be your wife

[u/True-Slide8377 → u/pepperisspiicccy]

I mean yeah I met the dude at work, but he’s a good friend outside of work. He’s met a shit ton of my friends that I hang out w irl so to me he’s good people

[u/Klanciault → u/True-Slide8377]

This guy obviously gives terrible advice

[u/pepperisspiicccy → u/True-Slide8377]

You could smash and dash. Cum and go. Fuck then duck

[u/Sue_Generoux → u/pepperisspiicccy]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l1O4MoMopJxqK6ZM4v

[u/pepperisspiicccy → u/True-Slide8377]

Tuff luck. Ifs she’s hot why not? Just don’t get cucked by them if you do date her and they fall back in love

[u/Galdr_Punk]

Go for it. If its a good buddy, let him know but dont let that stop you from pursuing a crush. So many happily evers after start worse lol

[u/human_not_alien]

You can do what you want, but you will want to make a choice where you anticipate the consequences and are okay with them. I don't say that to be foreboding. If you pursue the connection, your friendship will be damaged or more likely have to end. Maybe that's okay. And maybe someday your friend gets over the breakup and doesn't care. It happens.

If you put your friendship over the crush, you won't see where the connection beyond what it is now. That's also just fine. Crushes can stay crushes—we don't have to act on every desire in life. Dating a coworker also comes with tricky territory, so be mindful of that too.

Either choice is fine to make, but you get to decide. And decide with full awareness. Be present with every step forward. Also, "bro code" is made up, weird, and does not actually exist. I would be wary of taking seriously anyone leaning heavily into that here. Just my two cents. Good luck!

[u/LaBaaDiabolique]

id only say dont do it, first and foremost, because you are co-workers. do not confess feelings to or date a coworker. if one of you leaves the workplace for some other job, then you may confess feelings to her and see if she reciprocates. if she feels the same, then, if you are still close friends with this guy, you can explain the situation to him and get his input. then, it's up to you to decide if youll go through with dating her if he expresses disapproval.

[u/EManSantaFe]

I feel you. Happened to me. Slept with her, lost him as a friend. She stopped returning my calls. Haven’t spoken to him in over 40 years. And I’ve tried reaching out and over. I figured out she only slept with me to get back at him. Ugh. 😩

[u/phtevenbagbifico]

Do it. If your friend is your friend, he'll understand. I've been in his position before.

[u/adorable-lab16 → u/phtevenbagbifico]

So you were made into a c u c k is what you’re saying.

[u/phtevenbagbifico → u/adorable-lab16]

No, it was my ex. We had no say in who each other sees anymore. I've also dated a friend's ex before, no one cared so it didn't become a thing. Ended up not working out anyway