hi everybody, thank you for taking the time to read this post. my wife and i (both women) have been together for almost a decade and she is the love of my life. my soulmate, my person. she knows everything i'm thinking, we think and say what appear to be sentences that have never been spoken before, our passions and morals, ethics, values align. and more, but i don't want to spend this entire post talking about how much she is my soulmate lol.

we both are neurodivergent and have been diagnosed with adhd. hers shows up in the way where she struggles a lot with executive functioning, finding motivation to do things, etc. so things like cleaning, washing the dishes, any type of chore, for example.

it's been talked about from other people that we may both have autism as well but hers is more "obvious?" lol. we haven't gotten diagnosed yet - long wait times, expensive, just not something accessible to us at the moment.

i'm not asking for you all to diagnose her, of course that's not something you can do or i want you to do, but i am posting to see if a trait of hers is something that is common in autism. again, i don't want an attempted diagnosis, but would like to hear others who have been diagnosed's experiences with what i am going to describe.

asking her to do anything causes so many fights, and not just in a way that aligns with adhd. she doesn't want to do things that i ask, but she responds in a way that feels like she takes what i am saying as a threat? for example, "can you hand me the remote?" eye roll, sigh; "can you lock the door?" "no"; "can you pick up that bag on the ground?" "it's there because of you, you should've put it away." it's hard to describe, but it's a lot worse than how i am describing it but i can't recall examples rn lol. it feels like i am talking to a teenager sometimes as a mother. i know people who acted similarly as kids but as adults that's something we "grew" out of. i hate feeling that way, it makes me angry. every ask is met with eye rolls, nos, attitude, fighting it in some way, finding an issue. we've had this talk so many times over the years and it doesn't get better and it's frustrating to me. she loves me more than anything in this entire world and anybody who spends more like 1 minute with us would tell you that, but this just doesn't make sense to me. it doesn't align with her other behaviors, values, beliefs, etc.

i'm a therapist and work with kids on the spectrum and the way their parents describe their kids is how i would describe my wife's behaviors sometimes. i don't know.

again, no diagnosis needed, no wanting to change her, just want to know your experiences as autistic individuals, if this is what PDA can look like, and what has helped for you in similar situations. i would really like to support her. it's hard for me but i'm sure it's harder for her, because i know individuals with PDA are often in fight, flight, freeze mode when tasked with what they perceive as a demand. for her, it seems like if she does have PDA, it would be a fight response.

if this is against community rules, i apologize!

thank you so much!!!!! 🩷🩷

I(17f) isnt diagnosed autistic and isnt here to try to self diagnose myself ive just heard that alot of autistic women experience this and I really need advice.

I dont feel feminine enough ever, putting on fake nails, trying the newest trend that's seen as feminine just looks so bad on me. I think its pretty and I want to do it i just feel like such a dork. When all the other girls do it, it is so cool, but when it me im a loser.

I dont get along great with girls either and I really want that. I really dont hope i sound like a pick me because one of my biggest wishes in life is having a best friend that is like a sister to me. But I never really seem to get that. If someone has advice please drop it. Sorry for any bad English its not my first language

I’m having a discussion with someone about which animal gives off the most autistic vibes and I’d like input on what y’all think. So far octopus, axolotl, and platypus have come up.

Granted, I'm only on the first episode, but it seems to me to be an amazing description of life as a autist trying to learn how to navigate the NT world.

I have an absolutely amazing professor. hes possibly the most welcoming person and role model ive ever had and he always accommodates my needs and makes me feel so welcome and valid. and i really want to tell him this!

hes given me an amazing place to grow in, and i know that if i tell him, hey your amazing and so so so nice to me, i know he’ll react well and be super flattered, but I CANT! FOR THE LIFE OF ME! SCRIPT OUT WHAT ROUGHLY HE WILL SAY!!!

like, i know exactly what i would say. but this man is so goddamn random and also isn great at taking a compliment outside of a professional “thanks so much for your help“ “your very welcome.” sorta exchange.

im really nervous not because im scared he’ll react poorly but because i cant figure out how to continue a conversation beyond his response because i dont know what he’ll say!!

any advice on how to tackle this fear or even potential responses (hes so random but he always knows whats going on in my head) would be a big help!

I honestly hate having to make a post like this, but I don’t know what else to do. We have absolutely nothing left in our pantry or fridge, and I am asking for advice.

I’m a single mom with two boys one who is autistic like me. I do work, but between rent this month and last month, my entire paycheck has gone toward keeping a roof over our heads. I simply have nothing left over for groceries right now.

I have applied for benefits, but I was denied because of my income. I’ve also tried food banks, but unfortunately I haven’t been able to receive enough food to get us through. Right now, we have nothing for dinner, and we barely had anything to eat today. My son on the spectrum is having a meltdown because I have none of his safe foods. I’m not asking for anything beyond advice. Anyone have any suggestions on other resources to reach out to? I’m doing everything I can to work and provide for my kids .

Hey everyone.

I am not diagnosed as autistic yet, however my therapist is experienced with autism and is confident that I have autism. I'll be starting the process of an assessment in a couple of weeks with a neuropsychologist colleague of his.

So at this point, we've started approaching everything from the viewpoint that I'm autistic even if the neuropsych hasn't confirmed it yet. It's been helping a lot!

But one of my major issues is rumination. A big topic of rumination for me is death of loved ones. I lost my brother to suicide almost a decade ago so I think the reason I fixate on it so much is trauma.

Every day, I will think about my parents dying. And I also now constantly worry about my future in regards to their deaths as well. Bc I have always been reliant on them (at the times in my life that I tried to be independent, I had meltdowns and shutdowns). I think being told that I'm autistic has made my tendency to worry and ruminate on this topic even worse. I think a lot about if I'll be able to support myself when the time comes that I need to do that.

Typical therapy methods for general anxiety haven't been effective at getting me to stop doing this bc my brain has always just done it with different topics.

We haven't tackled this topic in therapy but I'm going to bring it up soon.

If anyone has any tips or resources for dealing with rumination like I'm experiencing, I would really appreciate it. Bc it's stressful to think about these things so often. It gets in the way of enjoying life currently.

I need to vent because I'm struggling badly it has hit me harder than almost anything I can remember.

I'm a 29 year old, For the last decade I was a NEET with no job experience and no formal studies beyond high school, spending most of my time in my room on the internet, and constantly immersed in gaming. The only upside is that during that time through years of playing video games, reading books, watching Youtube videos and livestreams, browsing forums, and talking to people online The downside is that I spent years barely talking to other people in real life, my real-world social muscles atrophied badly and my social life basically never developed.

For the past two weeks, I've been waking up every day with intense regret, anxiety, dread, and constant "what if" thoughts. What if I had handled that conversation differently? What if I had been warmer? What if I had communicated better? What if I hadn't let my anxiety get in the way? The hardest part is not just losing the business but also losing an unique friendship and opportunity. My mind keeps replaying memories and imagining alternate timelines where things worked out differently. I know its quite common for people who have ADHD and Autism to feel completely separated from the world. Like you're a monster or that you don't fit in.

I most likely have Autism, ADHD and social anxiety. I've felt out of place my entire life and I feel alone constantly.

The friends I used to have back when I was in school have mostly left. I had reunited with them at least two of those friends back in 2022, but after a falling out things, just felt kind of bleak, and nothing ever reconnected ever since, and I've tried coming on here to get friends. But most of them have really since fallen back, or just never really lasted more than 1 or 2 days, and it sucks, because I want to build longer friendships, but they just don't happen as much.

So I want to try to find some genuine friends (preferably female ones) who are out there and see if they're open-minded to wanting to talk about certain fun hobbies like video games, they play or maybe even an inside hobby that they like to do while they're in their room or something like that and hopefully we could be able to build some type of connection.

Had a terrible first day yesterday at a job that is technically my dream job right now (being a dog trainer) but the owner of the school:
- called my autism disclosure "adorable";
- failed to understand what that would mean in practice when I tried to explain about social context cues;
- didn't explain the social rules and got mad when i didn't follow them
- berated me twice in front of clients and when I "talked back" decided to have that argument there and then in front of them - and then blamed me for "making him" have that argument in front of the client
- had an ego the size of a stadium - it's the type of man who is a (drawing on simplistic stereotypes here to explain the situation) "cool surfer" who "doesn't care about anything" and "goes with the flow" but is always posing for who's watching
- fired me, then hired me back, and in the same breath told me he was attracted to me and that was complicating things and might be the reason he had acted so hot/angry in front of clients
- told me again that the fact that I need explicit, preferably written down social rules is sexy

I thanked him for the opportunity and ran to my car to get the hell away from there and not return. But at the same time it made me wonder if there were previous signs i should have noticed, and wanting to hear other people's experiences.

i’ve never had any close friends at all. right now i’m 24 and have no one. i don’t get how it’s so easy for other people to jusy have friends. it’s never been easy to talk to people. i’m so alone.

22F struggling with keeping jobs due to anxiety, PSTD (diagnosed) and possible autism (haven't been diagnosed)

The jobs that I have kept in the past, I struggled majorly with. Eventually, after repetition, I would learn the ropes. At some points, I felt like I would hit a wall, and sought work elsewhere.

Recently, I have been job hunting and struggling with the lack of direction and training for the positions I get accepted for. In my current position, I have multiple roles depending on what is scheduled on the calendar that day. Some days I instruct, sometimes I work behind the desk, and sometimes I assist. Though, if I work behind the desk, they expect me to multi-task by assisting and being behind the desk. Which wouldn't be an issue, but I did not feel prepared to be put behind the desk with only a "You got it? Alright, I'm heading out" after watching someone else do the work.

I require structure in training. Easy, direct explanations of what to do, how to do it, and prefer if someone higher in position than me is there on shift to ask questions to. These needs were not being met, and I struggled with the computer system greatly because of it. I got reprimanded for not checking out a customer correctly, because I got flustered and wasn't focused on what I was doing at that exact moment due to running around the building and assisting prior.

I explained that I was busy with other things at the moment and apologized for checking them out incorrectly. My manager proceeded to tell me that "Its like Darwinism around here, if we can't trust you behind the desk we can't have you behind here anymore. every little thing you mess up adds up"

They proceeded to list a few other "rules" that I wasn't "following" (wearing a plain black shirt instead of my black work shirt, of which i was only given one, etc) which tipped me over into frustration and tears once I was out of sight and the conversation was over. I was just trying to follow the rules that I was aware of, and didn't have enough confidence to be on a shift by myself.

Does anyone else feel like you need extra training time when you start a new job/project? Or struggle with asking for extra help?

Hi, so this is going to be hard to put into words but let me explain. Ever since discovering the online autism community I've been hearing that autism is a different way your brain works, and we kind of crash when we try to work in a way that doesn't fit with that. I would be very interested to figure out how exactly our brains work that they're talking about and how to do things the way that fits. I was actually diagnosed very early in life but my support classes never really gave me this information, it was before the concept of neurodiversity was really known. Instead I got kind of stereotypical stuff like how to make eye contact, how to read faces, etc even if it wasn't something I struggled with. So I'd like to figure out how to work with my brain finally and hopefully unmask (since growing up as a "special ed" kid is also traumatic and made me go into denial for a long time). Does anyone have any recommendations? Books, youtube videos, websites, anything? I'd also be interested if anyone has a similar experience of growing up "in the system" and being left unimpressed with it/lost. Thank you so much!

How it sounds. I feel like im ride or die, very understanding, giving in my relationships but people always seem to pull away from me. I’ve evaluated everything, how I respond, being more considerate, learning what people prefer: but it’s like I’m a damn alien pretending to be human. People don’t call me mean or flat out say they dislike me because I’m nice to them, but I can just sense how they do not care about me in the slightest.. no matter what relationship it was, it’s like at first people really enjoyed me and then when they discovered the autism they instantly start treating me differently.

Even with family, no one wants to really spend time with me. It’s like I bottle up my emotions to not come off needy but when I am in a vulnerable position, people treat me like I just killed someone so I’ve given up on expressing how I feel because communication doesn’t change how people treat me, even if im more confident now.

I’ve established that I am not a priority for anyone: no one talks to me or checks up, I initiate every single conversation and I’m forced to have my own back. How do you cope with the heavy feeling of truly never being able to be yourself because the second you are, people don’t want to try?

Plain and simple. I am having trouble with this a lot.

I wouldn't say that I go non-verbal or have selective mutism. I'm still able to speak, but it just takes so much energy to think of what to say and to actually get the words out. Interpreting social situations is already draining enough on its own.

I'm so tired of having to communicate verbally. Why does every social interaction feel like a negotiation? It's so exhausting I just choose to self-isolate. If I wasn't fortunate to be able to live with my parents I'd be doomed.

Speak up. Stand up for yourself. Advocate for yourself. There's so much communication required just to get through a regular day. I understand that people can't read my mind, but the energy cost for speaking is just too high. It's not sustainable. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't function in society because I burn out just from speaking.

I am so lonely and the few people I do talk to I can't relate or connect with. My online circle just hates me and harasses me(I didn't do anything it is just people calling me ugly) . My best and only friend of years ghosted me months ago. My ex bf mistreated me and I can't even go back to him even though he treated me badly because he blocked me.

How do you even cope with being hated and not being able to connect with the people who do talk to you

don't smoke, drink alcohol, or do drugs. I've never tried anything in my life, not even weed.

Yet, a few people over the years have asked me if I was on drugs because apparently I sometimes look like I'm completely in my own world. I've even had random people on the street jokingly tell me not to do drugs when I was literally just minding my own business. 💀

It even happened when I was at university. Random dealers would approach me and ask if I wanted to buy weed or cocaine from them, which always confused me because I've never touched any of that stuff.

I'm wondering if it's because of my resting bitch face combined with my serious expression, or because I sometimes zone out and get lost in my own thoughts.

I'm curious if anyone else here has experienced something similar. Have people ever made weird assumptions about you based on your facial expression, body language, or the way you act?

I recently was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD but I’m really struggling to figure everything out. I’ve known that I had ADHD since I was about 6 years old, on medication from 6 till I was 12 and then I’ve spent the past 15 years thinking I outgrew ADHD just because, I’ve now realized, the way it expresses itself is totally different than when I was a child. I was tested for ASD (Asperger’s at the time) but I was always told I did not meet criteria for that, only to find out from my parents that they unofficially diagnosed me with it but it was hidden from me I guess. So growing up, I had no idea what I was experiencing had an explanation and I never really could come up with good coping mechanisms.

I work full time, usually M-F but I’ve noticed that by Thursday I’m usually tired, in a bad mood where my sensitivities seem to be heightened, and I have a very hard time controlling my outward reactions to others. I feel terrible because people at work and my husband at home don’t deserve how I treat them by the end of the week. I assume that the energy of masking for 3 days is taking such a toll that I don’t notice it until Thursday when I have no energy but I can never pin it down to that. I’m not really good at masking, but I can tell a marked difference between a “good day” and a “bad day” and since I work in a retail job and I don’t really like being social, it’s very draining.

I wear loops all day at work, as I’ve begun to notice how the noise overstimulates me but by the end of the week it only barely helps.

I just don’t really know what I can do to make my weeks more consistent and not feel shameful by the end of the week for how I make others feel. I hate feeling like this lol. Makes me feel like a burden sometimes. It’s hard for me to work less because I can barely make ends meet as it is. I’m in therapy now but it’s really only talk therapy and while I think it helps because it gives me a place to voice my internal feelings with no judgement, I don’t really get a lot of guidance on what I can do to make adjustments to accommodate myself.

I am a 26 year old woman, diagnosed with Level 2 Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as multiple mental health conditions, to include : CPTSD, Bipolar 2, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I make money now by dashing, and it’s the only form of employment that’s ever felt sustainable to me. I have a Bachelor of Science degree in Interdisciplinary Studies with concentrations in Social Sciences and Health/Human Services, as well as an Associate of Science degree in Psychology. I graduated college with a 3.2 GPA, and was the president of the university’s theatre troupe. In high school, I attended a “soft skills” charter school, graduated with a 4.0 GPA and an 1190 SAT, and was a member of marching band color guard, Beta Club, HOSA, SAGE ( gender equality club ) , and was an honor member of the thespian troupe. I tell people now that I’ve been completely exhausted since graduating college 4 years ago in 2022, and that that basically took everything I had to give and I don’t have anything left. I’m asking this question to see if anyone can help me identify any patterns or anything. Please keep your comments kind and respectful. Thanks in advance.

Here’s my employment history:

\- Residential ADL Coach / Mentor for Autistic Adults ( lasted 2 days before quitting because I was having a meltdown every 20 minutes and realized I was on the same level as the participants, not on the level of a coach , and was also very homesick )

\- Culver’s Cashier ( lasted 1 month before quitting due to having a meltdown everyday for any interaction i perceived as negative ?

\- Holiday Inn Express Front Desk Agent ( lasted 1 yr, 10 days ) I was exhausted everyday when I came home to the point of not getting out of bed for hours after coming home or on days off. Would neglect showering and eating due to being left with no energy for either of those things, and therefore got in trouble for poor hygiene / looking unprofessional. I asked lots of questions for clarification, and thus got in trouble for “talking back”, “insubordination”, etc. I was constantly terrified of being in trouble or having a poor interaction with either guests or staff, because it always came back as my fault. I was also not at all proficient with the computer system or phone system and couldn’t grasp them no matter how much I tried, so would make tons of big mistakes. Was so afraid of getting in trouble for small mistakes that I ended up making huge ones. Also, found out I was being bullied by management in order to make me want to quit. This particular position led to my first psychiatric hospital admission due to it causing suicidal tendencies.

\- Elementary School Special Education Paraprofessional ( lasted 2 years before quitting due to a need for higher pay ) This was one of my more successful positions. I started out as a kindergarten paraprofessional, but the lead teacher actually bullied me from day one into having a meltdown everyday. So, I got moved into the SPED classrooms ( primarily Severe/Profound and Mild / Moderate ID , as well as some Resource ). I actually did quite well here, but eventually it did lead to meltdowns on a daily basis and I was inexplicably angry all the time.

\- Hospital Support Representative ( lasted 6 months before quitting due to burnout ). I was left on my own for hours at a time at a desk in a busy hospital wing. With absolutely no guidance on what to do and no one to ask for information if I had a question or issue. Also, hurt myself on this job trying to provide assistance to a patient’s visitor.

\- Einstein Bros. Bagels Cashier / Line Cook / Barista. ( lasted 5 months before quitting due to graduating from college ) This was an on campus student role, and I did decently well. However, I was being severely bullied by a manager and got in trouble when I called her out on it, though I wasn’t rude about it. Ended up leaving because a) i graduated from that school and b) I was sick of being in trouble and getting corrected all the time.

\- Claire’s Third Key Holder ( lasted 5 months before quitting due to daily meltdowns ). I would panic each and every time I needed to do an ear piercing which would result in negative customer interactions. Anytime I tried to execute the plan-o-gram for how the store should be laid out, I’d get it wrong and a different manager would redo it and I’d get criticized for messing up something that “should’ve been simple.” I was also left on my own a lot with nowhere to turn for guidance.

\- Captain D’s Guest Services Specialist ( lasted 2 years, 11 months before quitting due to extreme burnout ). I was bullied horrendously in this job, but I needed it to pay for college. I had poor interactions with customers on the daily , and I got cussed out by my boss when I made a simple request to be moved from my cashier role to a kitchen role. I was sent home a lot due to management perceiving me as “being rude” to the customers, and no matter how well I cleaned , or learned the role, I couldn’t find all the invisible rules and ended up burning out entirely. I’ve actually been burnt out ever since.

Hi all. I am AuDHD (diagnosed last year at 29).

Yesterday I was at work and finished a meeting with some clients around 4pm and then found myself overwhelmed with emotions and senses. I had to pace and stim (clicking my fingernails together in balled up fists mainly) and then curl up against the cold radiator at the back of my room, push my palms into my eyes to feel like I was in complete darkness and then hit myself in the forehead a few times before finding the soft spot in the back of my head where there is a slight dent and pushed it in until it hurt and I had to stop.

I then felt drained and as if I wanted to cry but couldnt find the emotions and sat there for a while focusing on my breathing until it was time to go home at 5pm.

Im still learning about my AuDHD so im not sure; was it autistic burnout, meltdown, panic attack (I also have generalised anxiety and OCD, both also diagnosed), or something else.

And what do you do to cope? I just drove home sat in silence all evening and barely did anything. Now im back at work today and feeling like im at risk of doing it again

I've been getting really, really bothered lately by seeing all of this hatred and nonsensical posturing on reddit, every time I mute one subreddit where there's a bunch of drama, another one pops up in its place.

Until you turn off home feed recommendations that is, I just turned them off, and I've never seen such a peaceful feed on reddit in my life. It's just my hobby subreddits and subreddits with other people like me.

No more am I getting recommended the latest dumpster fire of a comment section to get me to stay on the app longer, I can't believe I could have turned this off this whole time.

I don‘t want to go into all the details bc this was quite a traumatic episode of my life. long story short though: my ex wanted to move. I didn‘t. eventually I agreed nonetheless bc I just cracked. too much pressure. well who would have thought that moving into a concrete wasteland right next to one of the busiest roads in the whole damn city would be torture for my autistic ass. I‘d loved the old apartment so much, and hated the new one even more. my ex messed up not just the move to the new place but also some other things. eventually I broke up with him. moved out some time later. the initial move took place a little under 3 years ago.

I‘ve been doing a lot better since I moved the second time, but the grief about my beloved old apartment and the pain from all the shitty things that happened is still very real. not present 24/7, but occasionally it pops up and sometimes I get super sad from missing the one place that has truly felt like home in the decade I‘ve been living here. other times I get insanely angry at myself for agreeing to the move, or for not aborting the whole mission after the third time I broke down ugly crying in one day. or at my ex, for putting me through the move, breaking all his promises and then having the audacity to tell me my current need for emotional support is too high. it‘s fair to be unable to handle someone‘s severe emotional distress. but come on, he wanted to move, I agreed because I loved him and then he just… left me alone with all those hard and painful emotions.

so yea this is still weighing hard on me. I have a therapist and I talked to her about this a time or two, but this alone might probably fill a year of weekly sessions, there‘s other things I need to work on too and I just can‘t afford more sessions. it‘s slow progress.

I have kind of a chance to confront my gried today. my sister asked me to join her for an activity. I agreed, but I only considered the location yesterday. it‘s my favorite park from the old area.

I‘ve been avoiding going back to this area because any time I got close, I became a mess. eg: had to work in the area about a year ago and couldn‘t avoid passing through any of the public transport stations I used to frequent. I was crying half the subway ride. then most of the walk to the job site. even called my sister hoping she could comfort and distract me. she did, thank the gods for her srsly. but yea that workday was hell. no focus, random urges to cry, you get the deal.

and now that I‘m thinking of this day, the tears are coming back. I pull up a mental image of the park and the memories of my last time there pop back up: my ex repeatedly calling me to hurry up saying my goodbyes bc we needed to leave (we were in no hurry. there was plenty enough time. he was just impatient as heck). the anger at him for ruining my goodbye to one of my favorite places in the city. so much pain.

idk wether I can handle going there today. especially with the activity. it won‘t just be my sister, the dog and me, but also a number of strangers and there‘s also a task to focus on. that workday I mentioned earlier only worked out okay enough because I could heavily rely on my muscle memory. today‘s activity tho is a mental one.

how on earth am I supposed to focus and concentrate when everything around me reminds me of some of the worst mental anguish I‘ve ever felt?

but on the other hand, maybe it works out? maybe it‘s okay anyway? maybe this is what helps me process all this grief a little more?

it kinda feels like going to a workshop on a cemetary though… I‘m not exactly keen on breaking down crying in the middle of what‘s supposed to be a happy activity with whoever wants to join. and I also don‘t want to ruin it for my sister. she shouldn‘t miss out on the fun bc I made the mistake to listen to my idiot ex and am still struggling with the consequences 3 years later.

idk what to do. we‘re not wasting any money if I don‘t come along so that wouldn‘t be an issue.

I kinda feel like the first time I go back to that park shouldn‘t be in an environment where I‘d constantly feel pressured to pretend I‘m fine and nothing bad is going on bc there‘s a bunch of strangers around.

but I also promised my sister to come along.

this is so hard.

Are there any alternative hotlines to 988 that have no rights to notify the police when a caller tells the operator something?

Is it also considered bad to ring for example Samaritans UK or Befrienders France if you live in the USA, just to avoid 988?

In my mid 30s and admittedly have been burnt out on masking the last two years / lately, especially since I'm doing heavy trauma therapy

Had a serious convo with someone I thought was my closest friend in this city only to find she thinks I dislike her because I am mean/rude, which i apologized for but now find myself in a shame spiral

I know im the stereotypical "blunt honest" autistic person who can't white lie or isn't good at the social graces where you have to pretend a certain emotion or level of friendliness/excitement even if you're distracted or bored, i know my affect can be flat and I know I can be oblivious

I guess I thought I had more of a hang on those things by this age than I actually did

I dont want to wallow in self pity and I want to use this experience to become a better friend and person in general. I feel really embarrassed that i thought this person and i were close friends only to find they are off put by me lol

How to forgive myself? I can't stop thinking that everyone i know probably feels the same way about me and is too polite to tell me

I had an extended conversation with a friend over the past couple days about a lot of the things the autism community is trying to self advocate for. They recently came out as gay after spending a lot of their life in the closet, so there was some common understanding of masking/hiding yourself.

One point they brought up is how to an outsider, the autism community rejecting searching for a cure but then asking for disability accommodation can seem hypocritical. I believe they understand the position but then don't think we should be seeking accommodation from others, because we can't rely on other people.

Their belief is that we should learn to adapt on our own, so we have the strength to live on our own. I tried explaining how what they described is masking and how that's psychologically harmful. On this point, their view was that it would be better for us to rely on only ourselves rather than the goodwill of strangers, and I don't think they grasped how our masking causes us true harm and therefore is not a universal solution.

Another frustration they indirectly expressed is the spectral nature of autism. They expressed interest in bringing back the four different diagnoses that were combined into ASD under the DSM-V.  They gave an example of describing someone we would describe as having low support needs to someone with high support needs and how it's confusing to allistic people when both are described as autistic while seeming to have wildly different "symptoms", their aim being to highlight how those should be different diagnoses.

I went through the different "levels" and the concept of support needs that can vary across time for a even one person. They expressed that the "layman" can't be expected to know all these things and need better clarity in order to inform public discourse and policy. My counterpoint was that public terminology,  discussion, and policy need to accurately reflect how autism works, rather than trying to force autism to fit into other people's conceptions.

I feel that they don't have ill intentions, and I hope that I was able to provide even a little bit of valuable education. That being said, I'm realizing that they won't be an ally to our community, at least for a long time.