Had a terrible first day yesterday at a job that is technically my dream job right now (being a dog trainer) but the owner of the school:
- called my autism disclosure "adorable";
- failed to understand what that would mean in practice when I tried to explain about social context cues;
- didn't explain the social rules and got mad when i didn't follow them
- berated me twice in front of clients and when I "talked back" decided to have that argument there and then in front of them - and then blamed me for "making him" have that argument in front of the client
- had an ego the size of a stadium - it's the type of man who is a (drawing on simplistic stereotypes here to explain the situation) "cool surfer" who "doesn't care about anything" and "goes with the flow" but is always posing for who's watching
- fired me, then hired me back, and in the same breath told me he was attracted to me and that was complicating things and might be the reason he had acted so hot/angry in front of clients
- told me again that the fact that I need explicit, preferably written down social rules is sexy

I thanked him for the opportunity and ran to my car to get the hell away from there and not return. But at the same time it made me wonder if there were previous signs i should have noticed, and wanting to hear other people's experiences.

The title says it all really. I am 29 years of age and have just been diagnosed literally 2 hours ago.

The individual who diagnosed me made it clear that I was firmly on the line between a diagnosis or not and my masking meant the score was muddled. It could have been a flip of a coin.

But now I'm sat here thinking 'Nope, they got it wrong. I'm not actually autistic, I just somehow cheated the system' and have immense guilt/denial.

If anyone could just...confirm this is normal and what any next steps of advice you have would be unbelievably helpful right now as I am really struggling mentally.

I've been getting really, really bothered lately by seeing all of this hatred and nonsensical posturing on reddit, every time I mute one subreddit where there's a bunch of drama, another one pops up in its place.

Until you turn off home feed recommendations that is, I just turned them off, and I've never seen such a peaceful feed on reddit in my life. It's just my hobby subreddits and subreddits with other people like me.

No more am I getting recommended the latest dumpster fire of a comment section to get me to stay on the app longer, I can't believe I could have turned this off this whole time.

I recently was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD but I’m really struggling to figure everything out. I’ve known that I had ADHD since I was about 6 years old, on medication from 6 till I was 12 and then I’ve spent the past 15 years thinking I outgrew ADHD just because, I’ve now realized, the way it expresses itself is totally different than when I was a child. I was tested for ASD (Asperger’s at the time) but I was always told I did not meet criteria for that, only to find out from my parents that they unofficially diagnosed me with it but it was hidden from me I guess. So growing up, I had no idea what I was experiencing had an explanation and I never really could come up with good coping mechanisms.

I work full time, usually M-F but I’ve noticed that by Thursday I’m usually tired, in a bad mood where my sensitivities seem to be heightened, and I have a very hard time controlling my outward reactions to others. I feel terrible because people at work and my husband at home don’t deserve how I treat them by the end of the week. I assume that the energy of masking for 3 days is taking such a toll that I don’t notice it until Thursday when I have no energy but I can never pin it down to that. I’m not really good at masking, but I can tell a marked difference between a “good day” and a “bad day” and since I work in a retail job and I don’t really like being social, it’s very draining.

I wear loops all day at work, as I’ve begun to notice how the noise overstimulates me but by the end of the week it only barely helps.

I just don’t really know what I can do to make my weeks more consistent and not feel shameful by the end of the week for how I make others feel. I hate feeling like this lol. Makes me feel like a burden sometimes. It’s hard for me to work less because I can barely make ends meet as it is. I’m in therapy now but it’s really only talk therapy and while I think it helps because it gives me a place to voice my internal feelings with no judgement, I don’t really get a lot of guidance on what I can do to make adjustments to accommodate myself.

I honestly hate having to make a post like this, but I don’t know what else to do. We have absolutely nothing left in our pantry or fridge, and I am asking for advice.

I’m a single mom with two boys one who is autistic like me. I do work, but between rent this month and last month, my entire paycheck has gone toward keeping a roof over our heads. I simply have nothing left over for groceries right now.

I have applied for benefits, but I was denied because of my income. I’ve also tried food banks, but unfortunately I haven’t been able to receive enough food to get us through. Right now, we have nothing for dinner, and we barely had anything to eat today. My son on the spectrum is having a meltdown because I have none of his safe foods. I’m not asking for anything beyond advice. Anyone have any suggestions on other resources to reach out to? I’m doing everything I can to work and provide for my kids .

Hey everyone, first time posting here. I’m a guy in my mid 30s and I’ve been going through what I could only describe as the most difficult time in my life over the last few months. I remember my parents telling me I was autistic when I was really young but over the course of my life never really thought about or acknowledged it. I just tried my best to fit in and spent immense amounts of energy doing so. It wasn’t until just recently that I truly made the big connection between my autism and the immense struggles I’ve been going through recently. I’ve always struggled with accepting change, socializing and connecting with others and feeling accepted and only now is it all starting to make sense.

A little over a year ago I got hit with a sudden and really severe autoimmune illness that landed me in the hospital for almost three months and culminated in an emergency surgery to remove my large intestine. I had loads of complications including a massive infection and now have a permanent ostomy which as of these last few months, I’ve struggled with immensely. Dealing with the constant workload of managing it on a daily basis and all the embarrassing leaks and failures on top of an already exhausting and overwhelming job has brought me to a point where I just got too overwhelmed and exhausted to keep going. On too of all that, my job of 10 years just announced a major transition and restructuring in which a limited number of us will be rehired by the new company and flown out across the country for an intensive 3-5mo training program while the remaining employees will be let go in stages.

Already being in the middle what I now assume to be massive autistic burnout from a lifetime of masking and struggling to fit in combined with crippling delayed medical grief/trauma and then the threat of career loss or massive unforeseen life changes (having to live out of a hotel while dealing with the stress of a new job and the training and everything in an unfamiliar place far away) has left me completely overwhelmed. My ability to mask and fit in has faded fast. I ran completely out of energy, making even the smallest tasks often feel insurmountable. I rarely have the energy to do anything at all after work and usually just crawl straight into bed without even cooking dinner. On my days off I struggle to even get myself ready for the day before noon and then feel so guilty and disappointed in myself when I fail to achieve all the tasks I had planned for my days off. I often don’t really have the energy to reach out and initiate plans with any of my friends anymore and often turn them down when invited which makes me feel terrible because it’s not them, it’s me.

My only real source of emotional comfort over these last few months is that I’ve been in diapers full time as of about a month and half ago. This is something that’s been ingrained into the fabric of who I am for my entire life and has always been something I reverted to for comfort while also hiding from everyone and feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment over. It was never by any means a full time thing until recently though. I would previously just wear them to bed or on days where I was home with nothing planned. I’ve made a lot of progress in being more kind and accepting of this part of myself as I’ve found they do help alot with my ostomy by giving me peace of mind from leaks while also helping to prevent them by keeping the waist of my pants from blocking off the ostomy pouch. It’s been a huge source of emotional and physical comfort more than anything though and is very much a sensory thing for me. Nevertheless I still feel some embarrassment and spend alot of energy to make sure I keep it well hidden from everyone.

As of about a week ago I ended up taking the entire month off from work as I was just too overwhelmed and discouraged to keep up. I had been planning to hopefully seek some help or guidance through therapy and I had a doctors appointment yesterday where I brought up my struggles with accepting the massive life changes and increased workload of the ostomy. I spent weeks scripting the dialog in my head of how I would explain this to my doctor but in the moment I froze and completely failed to properly express the true depth of my struggle to her. I was so afraid of accidentally disclosing any hints of my thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore and my lack of ability to really show emotion compounded this. It all ended with her just handing me a little pamphlet about mental health resources and sending me on my way. I felt beyond crushed and am probably only still here right now because I couldn’t even imagine how heavy it would have weighed on my doctor if I had decided to end things yesterday. I have so much respect for her. She’s always been so incredibly kind and compassionate and always willing to sit and listen to anything I’ve had to say without ever making me feel rushed or guilty for talking too much. I now feel even more overwhelmed with the thought of trying to find a therapist that will actually understand me and not misunderstand, misinterpret me or worse.

I guess I just wanted to come here to vent a little as I’m sure many of you have experienced some similar struggles in life with difficulty in fitting in, accepting change or having unconventional coping mechanisms or sources of comfort when things get hard. I’ve always had a lot of really niche hobbies and interests like vintage media and electronics, space flight, aviation, photography and old books that I’ve been incredibly passionate about but have struggled to find any real connection with my friends since I live in a rural area and it’s weighed on me heavily over the years. I always felt so guilty after I found myself on so many occasions passionately telling a friend or coworker all about some obscure soviet space mission from the 80s or all the technical details about repairing some obscure piece of 40 year old vintage electronics or something and realizing how much the conversation pains them to endure and that they have absolutely zero interest in any of it.

I’m so sorry this was an absolutely massive rant. I’m literally sitting here with tears in my eyes typing this and just feeling like I could use a little connection with some people like me who actually get this and understand how hard things can be. If you made it to the end of this small novel I really, really appreciate you taking the time and if you’re dealing with similar struggles please know you’re not alone in this.

Hey everyone.

I am not diagnosed as autistic yet, however my therapist is experienced with autism and is confident that I have autism. I'll be starting the process of an assessment in a couple of weeks with a neuropsychologist colleague of his.

So at this point, we've started approaching everything from the viewpoint that I'm autistic even if the neuropsych hasn't confirmed it yet. It's been helping a lot!

But one of my major issues is rumination. A big topic of rumination for me is death of loved ones. I lost my brother to suicide almost a decade ago so I think the reason I fixate on it so much is trauma.

Every day, I will think about my parents dying. And I also now constantly worry about my future in regards to their deaths as well. Bc I have always been reliant on them (at the times in my life that I tried to be independent, I had meltdowns and shutdowns). I think being told that I'm autistic has made my tendency to worry and ruminate on this topic even worse. I think a lot about if I'll be able to support myself when the time comes that I need to do that.

Typical therapy methods for general anxiety haven't been effective at getting me to stop doing this bc my brain has always just done it with different topics.

We haven't tackled this topic in therapy but I'm going to bring it up soon.

If anyone has any tips or resources for dealing with rumination like I'm experiencing, I would really appreciate it. Bc it's stressful to think about these things so often. It gets in the way of enjoying life currently.

I live in a city of about one million people. I commute, because driving scares me. On the daily I am constantly experiencing what would best be described as pedestrian rage. I cannot cope with people who for example walk slow while taking up the whole sidewalk. Or decide to have a chat with a friend right in the front of a metro entrance. Or walk at an unpredictable pace, slow-fast-slow-slower-fast-stop, usually while on their phone. Or are completely unaware that whatever item they have on them is in the way of other people. Think getting squished by someones backpack, or a suitcase taking up the passageway of the bus.

I get so irrationally upset by this that Im in a constant state of pissed-off whenever Im outside. I avoid certain places or times of day because I can predict the foot traffic and even the thought of it is too upsetting. I can't fathom not having the ability to be self-aware enough to walk in an efficient way. I understand that I struggle with this more than what is usually the norm, and I assume it's because of my autism.

Do any of you relate to this? How do you cope???

EDIT: Some people have interpreted this post as me saying "disabled people should just learn how to walk faster". I feel like I need to clarify that this isn't what Im saying. And - obviously not? This is a post expressing general frustration while also realising that my mind does react to this more than for others and I'm looking to cope with that. If you have mobility issues you're obviously allowed to exist and move in whatever way is comfortable for you.

Does anyone else feel like they had great intellectual potential but they ended up a broken husk with one excellent skill: masking

I don’t think I notice how good I am because it is not something ever noticed by others or praised, but this is certainly my most impressive and well developed skill by far. I mean, I’m excellent at it. I can mask at almost full neurotypical fidelity. I have at least 5 fully developed personalities I can swap between. I can swap so deeply even my thoughts change to get into character better. Upon meeting someone I can pick up their traits and leverage them in other interactions almost immediately. Upon meeting someone, I can immediately pick up exactly how to fawn, and my fidelity level for fawning is so high that I even tactically insert divergences in personality or disagreements to raise authenticity. Pair an autistic person with intelligence, drive, and a desperate need to be liked and you will get one trapped into improving their masking. Of course, never improved enough to not be utterly dysfunctional socially, in the end.

Hi all. I am AuDHD (diagnosed last year at 29).

Yesterday I was at work and finished a meeting with some clients around 4pm and then found myself overwhelmed with emotions and senses. I had to pace and stim (clicking my fingernails together in balled up fists mainly) and then curl up against the cold radiator at the back of my room, push my palms into my eyes to feel like I was in complete darkness and then hit myself in the forehead a few times before finding the soft spot in the back of my head where there is a slight dent and pushed it in until it hurt and I had to stop.

I then felt drained and as if I wanted to cry but couldnt find the emotions and sat there for a while focusing on my breathing until it was time to go home at 5pm.

Im still learning about my AuDHD so im not sure; was it autistic burnout, meltdown, panic attack (I also have generalised anxiety and OCD, both also diagnosed), or something else.

And what do you do to cope? I just drove home sat in silence all evening and barely did anything. Now im back at work today and feeling like im at risk of doing it again

hi everybody, thank you for taking the time to read this post. my wife and i (both women) have been together for almost a decade and she is the love of my life. my soulmate, my person. she knows everything i'm thinking, we think and say what appear to be sentences that have never been spoken before, our passions and morals, ethics, values align. and more, but i don't want to spend this entire post talking about how much she is my soulmate lol.

we both are neurodivergent and have been diagnosed with adhd. hers shows up in the way where she struggles a lot with executive functioning, finding motivation to do things, etc. so things like cleaning, washing the dishes, any type of chore, for example.

it's been talked about from other people that we may both have autism as well but hers is more "obvious?" lol. we haven't gotten diagnosed yet - long wait times, expensive, just not something accessible to us at the moment.

i'm not asking for you all to diagnose her, of course that's not something you can do or i want you to do, but i am posting to see if a trait of hers is something that is common in autism. again, i don't want an attempted diagnosis, but would like to hear others who have been diagnosed's experiences with what i am going to describe.

asking her to do anything causes so many fights, and not just in a way that aligns with adhd. she doesn't want to do things that i ask, but she responds in a way that feels like she takes what i am saying as a threat? for example, "can you hand me the remote?" eye roll, sigh; "can you lock the door?" "no"; "can you pick up that bag on the ground?" "it's there because of you, you should've put it away." it's hard to describe, but it's a lot worse than how i am describing it but i can't recall examples rn lol. it feels like i am talking to a teenager sometimes as a mother. i know people who acted similarly as kids but as adults that's something we "grew" out of. i hate feeling that way, it makes me angry. every ask is met with eye rolls, nos, attitude, fighting it in some way, finding an issue. we've had this talk so many times over the years and it doesn't get better and it's frustrating to me. she loves me more than anything in this entire world and anybody who spends more like 1 minute with us would tell you that, but this just doesn't make sense to me. it doesn't align with her other behaviors, values, beliefs, etc.

i'm a therapist and work with kids on the spectrum and the way their parents describe their kids is how i would describe my wife's behaviors sometimes. i don't know.

again, no diagnosis needed, no wanting to change her, just want to know your experiences as autistic individuals, if this is what PDA can look like, and what has helped for you in similar situations. i would really like to support her. it's hard for me but i'm sure it's harder for her, because i know individuals with PDA are often in fight, flight, freeze mode when tasked with what they perceive as a demand. for her, it seems like if she does have PDA, it would be a fight response.

if this is against community rules, i apologize!

thank you so much!!!!! 🩷🩷

I am a 26 year old woman, diagnosed with Level 2 Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as multiple mental health conditions, to include : CPTSD, Bipolar 2, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I make money now by dashing, and it’s the only form of employment that’s ever felt sustainable to me. I have a Bachelor of Science degree in Interdisciplinary Studies with concentrations in Social Sciences and Health/Human Services, as well as an Associate of Science degree in Psychology. I graduated college with a 3.2 GPA, and was the president of the university’s theatre troupe. In high school, I attended a “soft skills” charter school, graduated with a 4.0 GPA and an 1190 SAT, and was a member of marching band color guard, Beta Club, HOSA, SAGE ( gender equality club ) , and was an honor member of the thespian troupe. I tell people now that I’ve been completely exhausted since graduating college 4 years ago in 2022, and that that basically took everything I had to give and I don’t have anything left. I’m asking this question to see if anyone can help me identify any patterns or anything. Please keep your comments kind and respectful. Thanks in advance.

Here’s my employment history:

\- Residential ADL Coach / Mentor for Autistic Adults ( lasted 2 days before quitting because I was having a meltdown every 20 minutes and realized I was on the same level as the participants, not on the level of a coach , and was also very homesick )

\- Culver’s Cashier ( lasted 1 month before quitting due to having a meltdown everyday for any interaction i perceived as negative ?

\- Holiday Inn Express Front Desk Agent ( lasted 1 yr, 10 days ) I was exhausted everyday when I came home to the point of not getting out of bed for hours after coming home or on days off. Would neglect showering and eating due to being left with no energy for either of those things, and therefore got in trouble for poor hygiene / looking unprofessional. I asked lots of questions for clarification, and thus got in trouble for “talking back”, “insubordination”, etc. I was constantly terrified of being in trouble or having a poor interaction with either guests or staff, because it always came back as my fault. I was also not at all proficient with the computer system or phone system and couldn’t grasp them no matter how much I tried, so would make tons of big mistakes. Was so afraid of getting in trouble for small mistakes that I ended up making huge ones. Also, found out I was being bullied by management in order to make me want to quit. This particular position led to my first psychiatric hospital admission due to it causing suicidal tendencies.

\- Elementary School Special Education Paraprofessional ( lasted 2 years before quitting due to a need for higher pay ) This was one of my more successful positions. I started out as a kindergarten paraprofessional, but the lead teacher actually bullied me from day one into having a meltdown everyday. So, I got moved into the SPED classrooms ( primarily Severe/Profound and Mild / Moderate ID , as well as some Resource ). I actually did quite well here, but eventually it did lead to meltdowns on a daily basis and I was inexplicably angry all the time.

\- Hospital Support Representative ( lasted 6 months before quitting due to burnout ). I was left on my own for hours at a time at a desk in a busy hospital wing. With absolutely no guidance on what to do and no one to ask for information if I had a question or issue. Also, hurt myself on this job trying to provide assistance to a patient’s visitor.

\- Einstein Bros. Bagels Cashier / Line Cook / Barista. ( lasted 5 months before quitting due to graduating from college ) This was an on campus student role, and I did decently well. However, I was being severely bullied by a manager and got in trouble when I called her out on it, though I wasn’t rude about it. Ended up leaving because a) i graduated from that school and b) I was sick of being in trouble and getting corrected all the time.

\- Claire’s Third Key Holder ( lasted 5 months before quitting due to daily meltdowns ). I would panic each and every time I needed to do an ear piercing which would result in negative customer interactions. Anytime I tried to execute the plan-o-gram for how the store should be laid out, I’d get it wrong and a different manager would redo it and I’d get criticized for messing up something that “should’ve been simple.” I was also left on my own a lot with nowhere to turn for guidance.

\- Captain D’s Guest Services Specialist ( lasted 2 years, 11 months before quitting due to extreme burnout ). I was bullied horrendously in this job, but I needed it to pay for college. I had poor interactions with customers on the daily , and I got cussed out by my boss when I made a simple request to be moved from my cashier role to a kitchen role. I was sent home a lot due to management perceiving me as “being rude” to the customers, and no matter how well I cleaned , or learned the role, I couldn’t find all the invisible rules and ended up burning out entirely. I’ve actually been burnt out ever since.

I mean, sometimes I do understand what I do "wrong" in a social situation. An example is I sometimes come across as mocking someone if I get excited without masking. I'll say something like "oh wow!" in an exaggerated tone that people think is me mocking them. And I understand how socially awkward I am (I often wave to greet someone and realize afterwards that wasn't what I was supposed to do, or it was perceived as awkward by them. But it's often automatic to me).

But some of the time I genuinely don't understand. My therapist is the one who told me that he recognized autism in me (he's experienced with autism). He explained how indirect my thinking patterns are - I'll go about making my points in a way that confuses neurotypical people. I also struggle to speak and express myself when I'm talking about my internal thoughts and feelings. And he had explained other things. I had known that I was different somehow but I was shocked that there was so much I wasn't aware of.

So now I understand that the reason I get so many weird looks is probably in part bc neurotypicals are picking up on something that I don't know is signaling that I'm different. But I don't know what I'm doing in some of these situations.

(Idk if all of it is me making social missteps tho bc I'm punk and have multiple piercings which people stare at. I do still get these weird or confused looks even from coworkers or acquaintances who know me tho, so I know part of it is me acting different.)

Has anyone had this kind of experience?

As a kid, my quirks were made aware to me by most people and I was told by friends/family that I was too negative and jaded. Nobody likes a miserable asshole, all the more so when you have an invisible disability that doesn't easily explain your misery.

I feign politeness, interest, and try to be helpful with the people in my life, and while everyone does to a degree, it leaves me feeling completely hollow. People either become accustomed to the fake version of myself that I tailored to their liking or they can see through it and it creates distance. The moment I drop the mask and get more "real" I can see people get uncomfortable. I only have two modes and cannot seem to have genuine relationships. I'm either too boring and nice or too cynical.

It's easy to say "stop giving a fuck" until you realize how alone that makes you.

I keep asking neurotypical people this and they genuinely just don't seem to have an answer outside of sexual interest in the other person.

I don't know when I like someone platonically vs romantically, I don't know when people are trying to initiate romantic interest.

Also, I feel like whenever someone might have tried to initiate romantic interest I block myself, for example, I was arranging to get milkshakes with someone before meeting w the rest of the society we're in and I then asked if we could invite one of our mutual friends.

Though, last time I thought someone liked me I ended up being delusional. She spent like so much time with me everyday, would invite me to sleep over (in the same bed), would hold my hand when drunk and js like stuff I don't really experience with people who are just friends, yet she told me that was a friendship - which has thrown me off with my understanding of the difference.

Basically, I just don't understand the difference and no one seems to have a solid answer.

Due to misunderstandings, not explaining yourself correctly, or not expressing yourself correctly, do you feel like the end result that you have with most people will end in them feeling contempt towards you? In the end, they will see you as weird, and you will somehow alter the relationship for them to feel contempt towards you. Like it's a final destination; there is no alternate route.

The only possible alternate route is that they fuck you over and you realize that they are a piece of shit.

But if that's NOT the case, then in the end you will be categorized in a way that you don't intend to be categorized, or you don't want to be categorized. They might still interact with you, MAYBE be open to a friendship with you, but at the end of the day you know that they view you in a way that hurts you. There is no changing this.

Does a part of you acknowledge that to some degree?

I am at an age now (29F) where I have accepted that I probably do not have a chance to have biological kids, ever, due to how difficult it is to be neurodivergent, let alone a mother. Those who made the same choice, what did you do with your life instead? Did you have more time, money and energy to be able to look after yourself and have a relatively high-functioning life? Do you feel alone in an unsupported way? Curious about how my own life might turn out and what I should plan for. I am already mentally factoring in the symptoms of perimenopause and menopause when I’m older.

I'm 28F, self diagnosed autistic. I have a constant need to be babied and hugged and I don't know if it's because of autism or cptsd. It's really hard for me to form relationships with other people because I have to mask so much just to have a conversation and by the end of it I feel like they still don't really know me as a person.

When I'm not masking, I'm really affectionate and I like being touched a lot but Ive never found another person who can be affectionate with me. I'm really lonely because I can't find someone to connect with me on this level and I don't know what to do. I really just want to be hugged and loved

I need to vent because I'm struggling badly it has hit me harder than almost anything I can remember.

I'm a 29 year old, For the last decade I was a NEET with no job experience and no formal studies beyond high school, spending most of my time in my room on the internet, and constantly immersed in gaming. The only upside is that during that time through years of playing video games, reading books, watching Youtube videos and livestreams, browsing forums, and talking to people online The downside is that I spent years barely talking to other people in real life, my real-world social muscles atrophied badly and my social life basically never developed.

For the past two weeks, I've been waking up every day with intense regret, anxiety, dread, and constant "what if" thoughts. What if I had handled that conversation differently? What if I had been warmer? What if I had communicated better? What if I hadn't let my anxiety get in the way? The hardest part is not just losing the business but also losing an unique friendship and opportunity. My mind keeps replaying memories and imagining alternate timelines where things worked out differently. I know its quite common for people who have ADHD and Autism to feel completely separated from the world. Like you're a monster or that you don't fit in.

I most likely have Autism, ADHD and social anxiety. I've felt out of place my entire life and I feel alone constantly.

The friends I used to have back when I was in school have mostly left. I had reunited with them at least two of those friends back in 2022, but after a falling out things, just felt kind of bleak, and nothing ever reconnected ever since, and I've tried coming on here to get friends. But most of them have really since fallen back, or just never really lasted more than 1 or 2 days, and it sucks, because I want to build longer friendships, but they just don't happen as much.

So I want to try to find some genuine friends (preferably female ones) who are out there and see if they're open-minded to wanting to talk about certain fun hobbies like video games, they play or maybe even an inside hobby that they like to do while they're in their room or something like that and hopefully we could be able to build some type of connection.

In my mid 30s and admittedly have been burnt out on masking the last two years / lately, especially since I'm doing heavy trauma therapy

Had a serious convo with someone I thought was my closest friend in this city only to find she thinks I dislike her because I am mean/rude, which i apologized for but now find myself in a shame spiral

I know im the stereotypical "blunt honest" autistic person who can't white lie or isn't good at the social graces where you have to pretend a certain emotion or level of friendliness/excitement even if you're distracted or bored, i know my affect can be flat and I know I can be oblivious

I guess I thought I had more of a hang on those things by this age than I actually did

I dont want to wallow in self pity and I want to use this experience to become a better friend and person in general. I feel really embarrassed that i thought this person and i were close friends only to find they are off put by me lol

How to forgive myself? I can't stop thinking that everyone i know probably feels the same way about me and is too polite to tell me

My whole life (25M, autistic) I’ve had trouble with women. My mother used to mercilessly beat and berate me, telling me no woman would ever love me. The PTA held a protest in my town against me being in honors classes (Mexican in a majority white area), and this behavior carried over throughout high school. Even in college, women would berate my appearance and insult me with seemingly no reason when I’d go to parties or bars to impress their friends or some guy. Today, as I finish my doctorate, I still have similar experiences with mostly self-professed feminists. The women in my friend groups act similarly and agree with what my mother said all those years ago.

I’m not an incel by any means, at least in the sense that I resent women (although I am one by the technical definition), but this has bothered me a lot. It seems that no matter where I go, women seem to treat me worse. I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong, just trying to interact in a platonic manner, although I can be a bit odd to most people. Am I just missing social cues? Or is there something deeper here?

So my special interest is an actor named Ronan Summers. I have been super interested in his work since I played Dead Island 2 and learned he voiced Ryan(one of the choices for player characters and the only character I play). So late last year I got an art commision of three of my favorite characters he's played(the ranking has changed since learning about more characters he's played but I still love the characters in the commision). A couple weeks ago I posted the commision(with credits to the artist of course) tagging the actor not really thinking he'd see it or if he did see it he'd ignore it. Little did I know he not only liked it but also commented and reposted it. I am low key freaking out(but in a good way).

I have an absolutely amazing professor. hes possibly the most welcoming person and role model ive ever had and he always accommodates my needs and makes me feel so welcome and valid. and i really want to tell him this!

hes given me an amazing place to grow in, and i know that if i tell him, hey your amazing and so so so nice to me, i know he’ll react well and be super flattered, but I CANT! FOR THE LIFE OF ME! SCRIPT OUT WHAT ROUGHLY HE WILL SAY!!!

like, i know exactly what i would say. but this man is so goddamn random and also isn great at taking a compliment outside of a professional “thanks so much for your help“ “your very welcome.” sorta exchange.

im really nervous not because im scared he’ll react poorly but because i cant figure out how to continue a conversation beyond his response because i dont know what he’ll say!!

any advice on how to tackle this fear or even potential responses (hes so random but he always knows whats going on in my head) would be a big help!