Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/Dry-Wolf6789]

i went to a wedding once that allowed +5 guests per person. blew my mind.

[u/Armadillo-Shot → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

My mom just went to a wedding that gave her 30 +1’s. The wedding is for her rich business partners son with the daughter of a rich family and is having 2000 people (in Chinese culture more people means more face/prosperous a family will be). She’s bringing her interns and junior office staff lol.

My mom’s wedding had 1000 people and was just pulling people off the streets to make numbers.

[u/designatedthrowawayy → u/Armadillo-Shot]

Hey if they need more people, I'm down. I like weddings.

[u/justjack0219 → u/designatedthrowawayy]

Me too! People look at me like I'm crazy.

[u/Ok-Boysenberry-719 → u/justjack0219]

I do too! I get to wear a dress that never makes it to the front of my closet, I get to dance, and I love seeing a sweet happy couple. 

[u/Armadillo-Shot → u/Ok-Boysenberry-719]

Bit late but you’d be surprised and a lil disappointed at the how casual Chinese wedding dress code for guests is (considering the price). Uncs show up in jeans and a tshirt to million dollar weddings lol. Women and young men dress better (especially younger women) but like a smart casual with a skirt/chinos. Sneakers everywhere. Guests are just there to eat, give red pocket and gossip, so much gossip.

The wedding party tho? 7 dress changes for the bride in 16 hours and each one dripping with embroidery and gold.

[u/LexiAOK → u/designatedthrowawayy]

Right!! Please invite me 😆
I was gonna say this is such a cultural thing, my friend’s Eritrean and they were planning the wedding for ages for basically anyone in the community willing to go. My friend just forgot to say I could come too lol

[u/wonperson → u/designatedthrowawayy]

Me too

[u/LaurenAnno → u/Armadillo-Shot]

Just curious - did they feed all those people?

[u/Armadillo-Shot → u/LaurenAnno]

Oh yeah, the full Chinese banquet too (roasted suckling pigs, abalones, lobsters, open bar, etc.). My mom's wedding cost like 300k usd back in the 90s I can only imagine what this family is putting down. Rich Chinese weddings are 100% a flex of wealth and network.

Edit: Main guests at the wedding (everyone except the +1s and the street people) are expected to gift money to the couple rather than presents. And the money depends on the wealthof the gifter and their closeness to the couple. For these family circles closer relatives/bosses might give 4-5 figures , other guests like distant relatives usually give $100 - 500. Usually people make a big portion of their money back.

Also It's considered cheap if the family makes money off the wedding from the gifts but hey, people do it all the time.

[u/LaurenAnno → u/Armadillo-Shot]

Holy smokes! My mind is (truly) blown.

[u/ColdStockSweat → u/Armadillo-Shot]

Had 600 at mine.

[u/GuyTheStud → u/Armadillo-Shot]

I have seen this before. Why though??

[u/Shower-Former → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

I must know the details

[u/bubblebath_ofentropy → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

Pyramid scheme wedding. You bring a +1 and 4 single friends.

[u/FamousOhioAppleHorn → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

Was this wedding officiated by Sun Myong Moon ?

[u/DestroyerOfMils → u/FamousOhioAppleHorn]

ooo! I get it!

[u/smileysarah267 → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

Was it really casual? Or how did that work?

[u/Dry-Wolf6789 → u/smileysarah267]

It wasn't that casual you had to put your whole "party (up to 6 people)" in at least 2 months before for rsvp. The food was a Greek Buffett which was pretty good. I asked my friend(bride) why she did that and she said she just wanted to make sure anyone who wanted to come was able to and she encouraged bringing family as your guests even kids. They invited 80 ish people and it ended up being almost 200 people. And everyone had a seat but I really think the fire code of that building was broken it was packed  and got pretty hot later in the evening😂 Best day of their lives they Said. Absolutely no stress about the money or random guests being there that I saw. 

[u/Quirky_Movie → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

Ahhh! Greeks have huge families that will get pissed if someone is missed. Makes total sense.

[u/LucretiusCarus → u/Quirky_Movie]

It's also a pride thing, a large weeding is a social signifier. My sister had about 600 guests back in the late 90's and she didn't knew 90% of them, they were guests of my father who footed the entire bill. And I was recently invited to a wedding with 800-900 guests, numbers are iffy because at some point they were inviting random people from the streets of the small town.

Great fun, though.

[u/tunaman808 → u/LucretiusCarus]

I'm 55 and have never been married (though my GF and I have been together 24 years - long story).

Anyway, I feel like if I did get married in my early 20s and my Dad paid for it (which would be unusual, since I'd be the groom) he would have invited 600 of his business and golfing buddies, 95% of whom I don't know from Adam.

[u/Monday0987 → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

At Greek weddings in Australia the Koumbaro/a invites a whole table of guests of their choice.

[u/kimmy-mac → u/Monday0987]

Wow, that’s a lot considering the guest list is already so large. But I get that it’s a position of honor, so I’m assuming the allowance to invite a whole table is acknowledgment of their position.

[u/glasswindbreaker → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

As soon as I read Greek it made so much sense. In my village to this day if there’s a wedding everyone goes, many of us here in the US aren’t far removed from that and for people like my dad who came here as an adult weddings being a community event are the norm.

[u/more_magic_mike → u/smileysarah267]

Never seen a real Asian wedding? People show up, bring gifts, and don’t give a damn about what they wear. Like it’s almost rude to dress up as nicely at the people getting married, but it’s fine to show up in flip flops and dirty sweat pants. It’s not your wedding so it doesn’t matter what you wear.

[u/UndevelopedImage → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

We definitely need more on this. Spill. ☕

[u/throwawaycuzfemdom → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

Honestly, seeing all these wedding posts are all culture shock to me. Here, people rarely have small weddings, if they have a wedding. Invites go out to everyone they know, you write "X and his/her family" on the envelopes. They share it on instagram to openly invite anyone they might've missed. People inform when they can't come but never seen an rspv link. For people coming from out of the city, arrangements are made(close family opens their homes to guests).

Sometimes people have multiple weddings, one at the groom's hometown and one at the bride's hometown.

There are cultural and economic reasons for this setup. Guests are expected to give gold or cash gifts. People note down gifts and when a guest's family has a wedding, you are expected to gift the same or more. These might pay for the wedding and honeymoon costs.

[u/sphinxofblackquartzj → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

Is it Asian wedding?

[u/AuroraDF → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

Good lord. I mean that's just showing off.