Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/Dry-Wolf6789]

i went to a wedding once that allowed +5 guests per person. blew my mind.

[u/Armadillo-Shot → u/Dry-Wolf6789]

My mom just went to a wedding that gave her 30 +1’s. The wedding is for her rich business partners son with the daughter of a rich family and is having 2000 people (in Chinese culture more people means more face/prosperous a family will be). She’s bringing her interns and junior office staff lol.

My mom’s wedding had 1000 people and was just pulling people off the streets to make numbers.

[u/designatedthrowawayy → u/Armadillo-Shot]

Hey if they need more people, I'm down. I like weddings.

[u/justjack0219 → u/designatedthrowawayy]

Me too! People look at me like I'm crazy.

[u/Ok-Boysenberry-719 → u/justjack0219]

I do too! I get to wear a dress that never makes it to the front of my closet, I get to dance, and I love seeing a sweet happy couple. 

[u/Armadillo-Shot → u/Ok-Boysenberry-719]

Bit late but you’d be surprised and a lil disappointed at the how casual Chinese wedding dress code for guests is (considering the price). Uncs show up in jeans and a tshirt to million dollar weddings lol. Women and young men dress better (especially younger women) but like a smart casual with a skirt/chinos. Sneakers everywhere. Guests are just there to eat, give red pocket and gossip, so much gossip.

The wedding party tho? 7 dress changes for the bride in 16 hours and each one dripping with embroidery and gold.

[u/LexiAOK → u/designatedthrowawayy]

Right!! Please invite me 😆
I was gonna say this is such a cultural thing, my friend’s Eritrean and they were planning the wedding for ages for basically anyone in the community willing to go. My friend just forgot to say I could come too lol

[u/wonperson → u/designatedthrowawayy]

Me too

[u/LaurenAnno → u/Armadillo-Shot]

Just curious - did they feed all those people?

[u/Armadillo-Shot → u/LaurenAnno]

Oh yeah, the full Chinese banquet too (roasted suckling pigs, abalones, lobsters, open bar, etc.). My mom's wedding cost like 300k usd back in the 90s I can only imagine what this family is putting down. Rich Chinese weddings are 100% a flex of wealth and network.

Edit: Main guests at the wedding (everyone except the +1s and the street people) are expected to gift money to the couple rather than presents. And the money depends on the wealthof the gifter and their closeness to the couple. For these family circles closer relatives/bosses might give 4-5 figures , other guests like distant relatives usually give $100 - 500. Usually people make a big portion of their money back.

Also It's considered cheap if the family makes money off the wedding from the gifts but hey, people do it all the time.

[u/LaurenAnno → u/Armadillo-Shot]

Holy smokes! My mind is (truly) blown.

[u/ColdStockSweat → u/Armadillo-Shot]

Had 600 at mine.

[u/GuyTheStud → u/Armadillo-Shot]

I have seen this before. Why though??