So, I recently revealed to my mother about my sexual abuse when I was about 6 or 7 years old, I am 25 now. My abuser happens to be one of my siblings, who I lived with all my childhood and still see frequently. This secret has turned my mom's life upside down, she hasn't been able to sleep and has been crying since I told her 2 days ago. She has taken all the blame and she looks miserable. I regret telling her now, I feel like a villain. She wants to confront my sibling but idk what will come of it and once again I don't want to be the villain that ruins the family. Am I wrong? 

Hey, so im f(15) and i have had a lot of trauma.
My mind automatically blocked a ton of it, to the point where i have around 10 memories from before i was 11 years old.(most are good and turn sour somehow)
Actually how do i even know it was blocked trauma? Not like j remember it lol
(Side note, NO ONE WILL TELL ME ANYTHING! A few times my mom slipped but its nothing really)
I dont exactly know what my first memory is, but some of my earliest consist of being on a playground, being yelled at by my dad in my old playroom(likely my very earliest) and meeting my first best friend that i remember having at age 9.

I have recently been remembering a bit more. Mostly good things or random "photos" if you know what i mean
(Skip ahead if you dont care this part is irrelevant)
I remembered a small toothless toy in what looks like a church. Idk anything else but it exists as a "photo memory" in my mind
Along with that was also the concept of turtles, like my mind stacked turtles away with that memory for some reason
I also have a memory of a leak in my old house's ceiling, and along with it came an audible "mommy?!" Idrk

(Skip to here)

Anyway, one new one had come up and its poisoning me like a thorn and i cant take it out because i dont want the rest of it
Its more vivid than the others, very clear, and so so bizarre.
Ill just put it out here
(Tw for strange semi sexual(?????) stuff)
Idk my age or anything but ive deduced i had to be about five
I was in my old house, from before we moved when i was 8(i have no memory of that move at all btw) anyway in that house's livingroom, for some reason there was a big mattress on the floor in there, no clue why.
And my mom was there and she was wearing some shorts and a bra, it was pink btw. Nobody else was near, idk where they were especially considering that i had a baby brother she claimed she always had with her, but here it was just us.
And i dont remember what we said but it was summed up by something along the lines of "please? Ill never be able to do this again soon"
And she was talking about breastfeeding.
I was definitely past breast feeding age obv and i was wearing these little biker shorts too. We were sitting across from each other and something was said,
And she took her bra off
And some words were exchanged like i said earlier
And i laid i ner lap, i felt weird and embarrassed i think.
And i put my mouth on her b00b, and then theres no visual but ik exactly what her tit on a tongue feels like. And after a second it stops, and its like my mind is trying to tear up this carpet and find more bit also violently remove the rest.
I dont remember the rest of it, i dont want to. Im scared
But just because its weird doesnt make it SA, i dont have evidence for anything but its scary.

The crazy thing is this was triggered while i watched my second rewatch of chainsaw man, specifically the part (spoiler) where denji is in the bathroom cleaning and power gives him his 3 squeeze reward for saving meowy

Anyway, background on my mom rq
- i was virtual-homeschooled until 8th grade.
- she has always been very attached to us, ppl pointed out that its weird more after i went to irl school and couldn't be around my friends outside of school at all ever
- my friends had to be her friends too, she never left alone the friends I did have. She didnt even let me go to youth church on Wednesdays alone, she became a youth leader.
-she was weird about dating, encouraged it a lot but then if i ever was alone with my bfs at 13 or whatever, she hated them it was weird
- She doesn't drink or smoke (likes homeopathoc stuff)
-trump lover

Also, what makes this.... more concerning is that one of the slips my mom made is telling me that when i was younger(i think she said around 4?) that she caught my dad with corn 🌽. In that conversation she also said things about that making you feel inadequate as a wife. She has never had confidence or a sturdy mental health in the first place so honestly it makes sense for her so seek that kind of attention from other less ethical sources, right?

My partner has unblocked childhood trauma and compared his abuser to mine, saying the two are nothing alike and that probably it was nothing
A friend of mine said that she thinks it was definitely sexually motivated
And my school counselor said that it was too, so i dont know.

Im scared and i dont know what to think.

Even if someone validates me, This post could be polarizing somehow, i could be having an episode of some kind. Maybe it didnt even happen. Maybe in the void of a decade of uncertainty i just wanted an answer. No its definitely real. Just. Thanks for reading if you did

ok hi, this is my first time posting anything on any social media platform, i just created my reddit account after i saw videos of like people sharing their stories on here and getting genuine advice abt them, and that reddit can be a good place idk ( so pls be nice lol)

what i am going to share and rant abt here is very hard for me to do a lot of advices that i see online is that you have to at least share this with someone so that you don't feel alone bla bla bla but now theres this community i kinda feel like i can share here my story and get help from people with similar experience or heard

but its just that i really cant cuz idk i feel shame and disgusting and that like i will never heal from it and that its not that big cuz there was no like direct r*ape and that people have it worse so mine is irrelevant or it doesnt count as SA or s*xual abuse.

also, nobody in my family or 3 friends that i have know abt this (except for like two we'll get to that later) so yeah ill start now.. ok yall wait im fucking shaking cuz this si gonna be long .

so i am 19 almost 20 (F) and this happened to me when i was like 8 or 9 max.. and the person who did this to me (she's older than me 3 years age gap ) is now 22 were gonna call her Nat so at that time she was 12

so we were at my grandma's house from my moms side and my uncles live there too

so to put a picture on my grandmas house its a villa with three floors , first one the ground one is for my grandparents second is for two of my uncles like two small apartment and the last one is for my other two uncles this is where Nat lives.

so i remember this so fresh like it happened yestrday, she called me over to her house nobody was there exepct for her and her sister but her lil sister was at downstairs.

so i was there with here i remember going in to her room then she called me to wait shes gonna close the door with the key lock. and then told me "listen i am going to show you some things but you have to promise to not say it to anyone or i will never talk to you again" and she scared me so bad and at that time i did not have any friends and she was the only girl that i could play with or talk to like as kids even tho she was super mean to me before this and always bragged to me abt stuffthat my other uncles got her that i didn't have ( mind you i was 8 a little kidd)

so i said yeah i promise I'm good with secrets.

then she opened her fathers laptop, wrote something on google ....

and then pictures, oh my godd, i still cant get it out of my head, disgusting pictures popped out i think u know what i mean but it was just way more and worse, i felt like i was punched in the chest i felt myself breathing very fast and hyperventilating, i felt my eyes popping out of my heaad like i was genuinely horrified and i at first did not fucking understand what i was seeing like i told her Nat what is that what is this stuff and in some pics there was p*nis and she told me giggly its the boys thingie and then i remember telling her while being terrified, Nat that is disgusting i dont like this

i dont remember if i almost started to cry or not after it its really blurry and i feel like my brain blocked half of these things, like i remember before going downstairs while she was opening the door i think cuz my mmom called me or like we were leavings she told me remember this is our little secret nobody has to know abt this or i wil never ttalk to you again

so ok this was the very first time that i was exposed to p***nography i hate this sfuckiing word and theres more like this

so i am going to post more now its just i need a break but you guys tell me if its ok if in use a lil graphic description abt some things that happened to me, idk how ppl do it here.

so i just want to says guys, i dont wanna fucking excuse her what she did idc if she was young and shit she was 12 almost 13 thats kinda old compared to someone who was 8 or 9 but i didnt ask for it, she had a lot of friends and loving parents and a FUCKING LAPTOP she the first grandchild of the family and i am second like even now she has such a narcissitic personality where like she doesnt care abt how people feel or how her words sounds or like she feels super superior.

so yeah

ok im back

so after this, i really like dont remember how i passed my day, its all blur i think mostly shock like as if someone pushed me with force leaving me with chest pain.

so after this ,when we used to go to grandmas house sometime she used to call me upsatirs i remember almost all of them especially i fi focus enough like outlines of memories

so one time she took me to thier living room which was dark we sat in front of the door which faced the outside door with the key lock so that she can hear her parents when they come upstairs. she wrote something and then she put on a p**rn video i still remember almmost all of its i think 10 mins and like even the music i cant fucking get ii out of my head (need advice for these plss)

she told me get up on me like she was laying on her stomach and told me to get up on her and extend my legs and then i remember asking her like doess it hurt i dont wanna do this, cuz the woman seemed like she was crying, she told me yes and described it in a way that is so vile i cant even say it here out of respect, and i swear she used to look at me in such a crazy way like as if shes really enjoying the terror on my face, and then she heard footsteps so she quickly deleted everything like history tabs.... i told her does your mom and dad know, how did they not do something to u or remove the laptop form you she told me " they dont know, and do not say a fucking say a word" she acctually terrorized me with fear, its as if maybe it sounds very light how i am saying but the way she used to grab me and look at me and the tone of her voice ( i really hope you know what i mean by this i was in elementary school) so when her dad came, she switched to a tab of YouTube and her dad came told her hi Nattie he took the laptop i saw him check her history and sutff with a mad face ( he has a resting mad face ykwim) and she seemed like she was goona pee herself and like he gave it back

this is the only p**rn video that she showed me,

she used to sometime show me erotic kissing videos on youtube of like shows and movies idk how she used to find these even some b**reast s**king and disgusting things like that from shows and movies and animes

and she used to force me to kiss her on the mouth and she would like really hurt me even when i try pushing her she tell me angrily this is how it is done. and then get mad and not talk to me so i say sorry

she used to call me to what i thought was "an innocent" sleepover like upstairs at her house but then she'll start kissing me hard really cutting my breath off and breathing hard on me like i would never start it she'll always coerce me into it and i always find it hard to accept especially since we were both girls like one time i asked her that its not good that girls and girls kiss like its wrong especially at this age like its super early and bad and disgusting she told me no dw u r not going to hell bcuz of it its ok l ( this is not abt gender or orientation, ok i was young i thought that everything we were doing was wrong and disgusting)

and what i am going to say next is the reason why i am like this

so sometimes things like this escalate she'll start ..like groping me down there like really touch it and hurt me and i always told her no like its painful she would tell me u will see a white thing coming there dw with a creepy fucking smile while everyone was fucking sleepin

she would take me to the toilet wait there while i started crying and ill see if what she said its true which it wasnt so ill tell her ok now i want to go downstairs back to my mom and aunts and she would let me after a few tries while being mad and thereatening.

omg fuck i need a break

so this is as a whole happened like 4 or 5 times max like the sleepover i am so grateful that i never fucking slept with her , i mean spend the whole night, its usually before midnight i go back downstairs, except one time with her sister bcuz she wanted to kiss me like Nat does which i said yeah cuz i started like accepting itor kinda used to it .

omgg fuckk, i hate myself for this but the thing is that she saw us and the morning she said why tf where u messing with my sister and i said well she asked me to i said yes like u always do

she said i'll go tell mom i remember begging her so hard that i will not do it again she said no while tying her shoelaces and having this cold expression in her face.

she fucking told her mom

you could not imagine how i felt at this moment, the way i was shook to the core, felt disgusting and ashamed and that it was my fault, and the fact she started doing this to me those same previous months... yeah

her mom like almost screamed at me, she really threatened me if i do it again she will tell my mom

i was 10 i think,( sorry guys about the timeline of my age, i really genuinely feel like i was dissociating at that time or after everything that happened, i think its to cope idk, so if any of you guys felt like this after trauma or SA or other things like this please please lemme know if its common)

i told her pls dont tell mom, she said yeah just go, her mom is a bitch too like shes known for making alot of drama and causing problems, she didnt even try to figure out why or who...

i was so fucking mad at Nat, i didnt talk to her, went downsatirs but yeah

this one too its very vivid in my mind.

one time my mom and aunts went to shopping so they decided to leave me and her at a friends house babysitting us.

the girl babysitter was super nice to nat, cuz she knew her and stuff, when the girl was cooking nat, came in and forced me to play asleep so she could do things on my neck and the women would not suspect her

i cant get it of my head fuckk i remember all these like it was yesterday i wanna scream so bad god

when we were sometimes at grandmas she would ask me to come close the door and try to make me naked on the upper side like she will grope me forcefully and place her mouth... it was from a scene of a turkish serie and i vividly recall it

now just like i am saying these are alll the things that happened to me i recall them correctly

the blurry memories are what happened after i left her or more like when she was "finished with me" like the dissociation that happened to me,

so alll of this was like i think for 2 years max, so it was months after her sis incident and i was 10 almost 11 i think.

that when she started distancing herself from me, not coming downstairs when i visit or play with me or talk or chat so i felt used like in my mind i was like" so im only fun for those things " i felt discared.

and you would not believe why tf she did that

thats because she was 14 and hit her puberty

one time we were in the back yard garden and then i told her why did you stop and i had this thinking of omg shes bored of me or im not obeying her anymore..

but what she said was ... how do i put this as if that was the last brink of thin ice for me

she said mockingly and as if "uhhh duhh obviously way" umm its cuz its bad and disgusting and i dont like it anymore ??and SHE HAD THAT SARCASM-FAKING FACE THAT I WISH I COULD'VE PUNCHED IT OUT OF HER RIGHT THERE AND NOW, WHILE LAUGHINGAT my fucking face.

she made me feel as if i was a used piece of shit, disgusted at myself, it almost felt like as if I WAS THE ONE THAT MADE HER FEEL THESE TING FROM MY PART OR THAT I INVITED HERR so that she would be with me as a friend or sister, and it wasnt my fucking faulttt i cried so hard and felt so awkward

so now, we may ask, what a fucking CHILDD NOT EVEN PRETEEN at that age do when he has a secret with his only friend ,he would start loving it or feel like hes super duper important because of that secret.

so that i sensed like i did something wrong . then yeah i think that was 2017 i think cuz i remember yeah these things with her stopped cuz i just lowkey stopped going up to her house or hanging out with her like i focused more so on my other cousins that i always played with even when she was doing all that to me, and then 3 years later came covid, i havent seen her at all those two years even tho we went to grandma house a lot ofc , but she wouldnt come downstairs

( just a note, i became very good at pretending that there was nothing wrong cuz in my brain yeah there was nothing wrong with hiding a secret with my "best friend" and laughing cheekily with her in gathering of lunch and stuff like that WHEN SHE USED TO PRETEND THAT SHE DID NOT SEE ME OR DISMISS ME, cuz i continued living normally when we used to visit grandmas house because all that sit was occasional for her)

now, 4 years ago, 2022, she started coming downstairs again and trying to talk to me normally like nothing ever fucking happpend between us, her treating me with same narcisisitic shit bragging and making herself important.

and i hate her so much i tell my mom and siblings that i hate her but they think the reason is that its cuz she too into herself.

ME at my big age still feel that it is my fault and, that i am disgusting, that i used to look forward to do it with her when i go there even if it didnt always happen when i went to grandmas house thank the lord.

so yeah u guys sorry this is wrong and full of typos i took a break every 20 minutes cuz i cant see from tears lool and my mom is here so yeah

i want advice on this especially like the aftermath that i have dealing with 12 years after like how i am now so i will make another update or post

i really want you to talk to me abt this and tell me if this is SA or not or some of abuse, and respond to where i said i need help on this or the brackets thing.

i genuinly dont know what to do anymore.

none of my family knows about this, not my family or extended family, only one girl that i used to be real close friends with in high school becuase she had a situation with her uncle too , i tried reaching out after high school but she cut contacts with me and moved to canada

thank u so much for taking the time to read this IT SO DAMNN LONG LMAO

MAJOR TW FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND PTSD

Back when I was in 6th grade, I started getting harassed by my pastor. I was removed from a service because my skirt went above my knees and it was “distracting”. Then, I started going to a Christian school and I got even more harassed by a kid in my class.

He would say very sexual (not flirty. Sexual.) things to me in class. For example, he once took my water (which I need to have because I have a heart condition) and when I told him to give it back he told be I would only get it back if I fucked him.

This started because there was a rumor I was a lesbian, and he said if I wasn’t a lesbian I had to “prove it”. There were lots of rumors about me at that school.

I can’t sit in the back of classrooms anymore. I can’t take tests like a PSAT normally. I can’t even walk into a church. Or hear a Bible verse. Listen to a prayer. There are few religious characters in media I can quote or even look at without breaking down. (One example is Grace Chasity from Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

Well, now I’m at a new school, and for the first time in years, I’m away from both of them. But turns out, there’s a rumor spread to over half of the cast of the school play that me and my boyfriend made out in the wings. This did NOT happen. But this rumor is spreading like wildfire.

It was written on the whiteboard of the choir room. One guy told the rumor (fully believing it) to my bfs BROTHER. And I had a panic attack. Which then spiraled into a full PTSD attack, because rumors like this are what lead to the harassment. I didn’t even know that old school had affected me as much as it did.

My boyfriend said if it’s still this bad on Monday we can talk to the director, especially since I was audibly struggling to breathe and crying in the wings during a relatively quiet scene. I had my most real flashback I’ve ever had. I must’ve been crying for 15-20 minutes straight.

I’ve been in denial about having PTSD for years, but I don’t think that’s ignorable anymore… and now I don’t feel welcome at play rehearsal, which is usually my safe space. The place I can go and be myself and actually love life. And it’s all crumbling. I don’t know what to do anymore…

I’ve been broken up with a week ago by a guy who literally hours before he did it was behaving so in love and obsessed with me - I don’t know why he did it (my suspicion is because he caught me on a lie I said early in the relationship) that isn’t the problem that’s at hand - this breakup is bringing out core issues inside myself. I have no urge to be alive any more. All I want to do is sleep; when I wake up to my alarm each morning i feel panicked and horrified that I have to live another day. I will not kill myself for the sake of my family but I want to so bad. I have self harmed in the past because it feels like the only thing that can cope with the pain, I have two deep scars but I’m humiliated about people seeing them, I’ve tried to self harm just surface level in hidden places so they heal. Is self harm really that bad if it’s surface level and stopping me from doing worse? . I have a substance abuse issue and it’s somewhat controlled - Im not addicted but when the pain gets too much I know I want to die but the substance is the next best thing even though i know it harms me. I have so much potential that I know might go down the drain because of this. It doesn’t even make my problems go away - it’s more the feeling that there’s something I can do to control what happens to me and what I feel. I have everyone around me showing up for me in this dark time but it just makes me more scared that they will die (my parents had me quite old, and they are my soulmates) . I never stop thinking about how my parents can die and then I won’t be able to handle that - if i feel like this when someone just leaves me how on earth will I cope when someone that’s close to me dies. I’m not cut out for this earth. Does everyone feel like this or am I abnormal? How can people feel okay when horrible things happen all the time. I feel like I need to be institutionalised for a couple weeks before I destroy myself but I don’t want people to worry and I can’t just stop my studies all of a sudden. I know the advice I’m going to receive - get therapy. That’s not the advice I need. What I need is to be told how normal people deal with the horrific aspects of life instead of destroying themselves from the inside out. I’ve become so talented at hiding these habits and thought processes I have because my worst fear is seeing my mum cry or worry about me. And I fear is she found out what I’ve been doing by myself I’d destroy any trust I have. It’s currently 10 am and I’ve gotten drunk because of some dumb advice given by my older sister - do what you can to feel better in the temporary moment because of this break up. I knew she was completely wrong, that drowning out my sorrows with substances will only lead to the idea that substances are the solution - but for me it seems like that bit of permission allows me to do what I know I shouldn’t. this morning I did the work of blocking my ex on everything and deleting pictures and I felt a huge hole inside my stomach eating me up, I wanted to throw up I couldn’t eat and no one’s home I knew a solution to this - drink a bunch of whiskey. I feel better, like the world isn’t colllapsing and everything isn’t wrong. I know the alcohol is going to wear off and I am gonna have to cope with the real feelings. But when those come around I’m going to lose the urge to even be alive any more - what’s the point. From a really young age I’ve been a nihilist with the knowledge that everything will end and be forgotten in 100 years. Is all this pain worth it? I know everything will be okay and change one day and this will be a blip, I’m so young. But as soon as I build a life with my own family i will be even more vulnerable to the loss that life brings - if I get married and have kids and am happy, someone will still die, I’ll have more to lose. How do I cope with it then? It feels easier to avoid that happening at all. I think maybe all I need right now is a friend that won’t be trying to tell me to do what is right, but that I can just be honest about what i feel.

So my dad caught me hanging myself he cut me down and punched me idk what I'm doing one second he wants nothing to do with me the next he's cutting me down idk what to do

I found out today that the Clackamas County DA’s Office in Oregon isn’t moving forward with my case. I have an audio recording of my husband admitting to strangling me, and I was told there still wasn’t sufficient evidence. When I asked if they had listened to the recording, they said it was “reviewed.” Um… what?!

The prosecutor assigned to my case, Rachel Erickson, was named Domestic Violence Prosecutor of the Year. I’m struggling to understand how that award fits with what happened in my case. Right now, all I can see is a lack of caring. I keep wondering if the award mattered more than the people who needed help. I don’t know. This legal system has me so down. I have sooooo much evidence.

I’ve been quiet, waiting for justice. Now I don’t give a damn about keeping this quiet anymore. I’m going to tell my story publicly, even though I don’t know what the consequences will be. This is where I’m at.

I literally started a webpage today because I’m that upset. Yeah…yeah, I know lol. Whatever. Please Hear Me is somewhere to put my story and focus on healing. I want to start sharing parts of my evidence, too. The tea. The receipts. Even the video of him clearly hitting me, if I need to.

So…would you read it? I’d love some support so I don’t feel like I wasted money on a webpage no one will even look at. Can I stop sitting here pulling my hair out, hoping someone will step in and save me, and just SAVE MYSELF by getting my voice back?

Sorry if that’s intense. I’m still early in the healing process. Ugh.

Really, though, it would be nice if this could become more than just me. I want it to be a place where other people can tell their stories, too. This is what I have right now…the only thing I have....my voice. The very one that was taken away from me for two years, is the only thing keeping me going.

I’d really appreciate advice: where could I take this, and what would help it reach people who need to be heard? I’ll keep sharing updates as I’m able.

M24.

When I was 12 I was sexually assaulted by an MTF person. On top of years of verbal and physical abuse at home, it completely wrecked my ability to trust people. I’ve spent most of my adult life on high alert — constantly scanning for red flags, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and keeping everyone at arm’s length.

I’ve had romantic relationships, but actual friendships have been almost nonexistent for a long time. It’s especially hard with other men. I just can’t fully relax around them the way I can around women. I recently made a new female friend who’s genuinely great, and both she and my wife have told me the same thing: I’m missing out on good connections because I stay so guarded.I know they’re right. I can feel myself evaluating people instead of just being present with them. It’s exhausting and lonely.

Has anyone here managed to turn the hypervigilance down after similar shit? Therapy, habits, mindset shifts — what actually helped you start trusting people enough to build real friendships? Especially interested in hearing from guys who struggled more with male friendships after trauma.

My dad has been arrested for sexual abuse of children. He abused my sister. But i cannot remember if he did something to me. He used to slap my bum constantly, told me i looked like a stripper (this was all ages like 9-12 maybe?), would watch me change and refuse to leave even when i screamed and begged him to, walked in on me in thr bath. One time i needed to ask him a question i think? so i went intl his rpom whilst he was showerimg (didnt know he was showering). I sat on his bed and wiated for him to come out, he came our in just a towel. We were sat infront of a mirror and he had his legs exposed in a way that exposed hinself to me. I dont remember leaving that room. He also used to "play fight" with me, but i remember being genuinely scared. I knew what masturbation was when i was like 8-9, and i knew was sex was st like 7. I remember him staring at my butt when i was 14 and getting ready for a concert. He licked his lips. I have no memory of being taught any of these things. I have huge gaps in my memory and when it comes to my dad i remember almost nothing. If he sexually abused my sister, and i have all these things, do we think he did it to me too?

Im so exhausted. And even if he didnt sexually abuse me, id still consider many of these things sexual harrassment. But i havent told anyone. Ive known about what he did to my sister for 3 years. She asked me if she could tell anyone, and i said no. (I know this was fucked up and horrible to do. I regret it all the time. My only defence is that i was barely 13 and absolutely terrifed, But i know that isnt an excuse.) I told myself i would never tell her the thinfs he did to me. I still havent. But now when she talks about it, she said i was essenntially pretending to be a victim. That hurt me so deeply. And then i had to sit there and tell her i wasnt cosplaying a victim, that i knew i wasnt one and she had it much worse than me. But saying that hurt me so badly. And it makes me angry that she doesnr consider the fact its much more likely that i was a victim alongside her, rather than just her.

Essentially what im asking is, do you think i was abused too? And if i was, how come i dont have like PTSD or anything? I dont feel disgusted with my body. When i think on these memories that i do have, i feel nothing. It feels like they didnt happem to me. Or it feels like they happened to me, but hundreds of years ago.

hello, i went through a very bad childhood where my mom constantly neglected me and abused me, and i remember one time she hit me really hard on the head with a bottle closer to the left side of my head.

anyways, that was when i was 6, im 19 now, and have been having headaches almost daily on that side of my head for the past 9ish months. i never had head issues before this, so i dont know where they came from. quite literally my only suspicion is my mother hitting me, but that was so insanely long ago.

has anyone else had something similar happen and could direct me on what to do and how they dealt with it? and maybe keep it as low cost as possible if i need some sort of treatment, i am in a horrible financial place right now. thank you!

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Researchers from The Forensic and Clinical Cognition Lab at Flinders University are looking for participants who have shared a negative experience that they encountered through their work (e.g., graphic material, trauma).

Participants must be:

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If you are interested in participating, please follow the QR code, or alternatively, click this link here:

https://qualtrics.flinders.edu.au/jfe/form/SV_2s1esB0zjmZibMa

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I really do hate this. Like, I'm not immature & I'm fairly intelligent. But in social situations I tend to act very joyful and childlike to try to mitigate anxiety and etc 😢 I'm 19 so I can kindof get away with it, but it sucks. Especially at work. Now, I'm not talking like, acting like a baby or clueless or anything like that. It's more so over the top happy reactions and childlike joy at many things because it's the only way to keep my stress low. Some days I smile constantly when I am spoken to until I can't feel my face. I hate acting like a person that I'm not and people perceiving me in an incorrect way because of it. I feel like I regress more every year.

So where to start. Ive found trouble in life, I wasn't a bad kid I wouldnt say. For the most part I followed the rules. I was driven to rebel at times by an inner " fuck it " in me where I deserved the outcome I got. No one scared me more then my 6 ft 4 narcassistic father with a raging temper from his own childhood trauma. Other grown men in groups never challenged him when I was around. Not once. So it re-assured me I didnt just think he was tough because he was my dad, he was a scary fucking guy.

I grew up with a kid who I hung out with a few times. Originally I played baseball with him at a young age. Didn't know him well. He was cocky, alot taller than me at that age until later in high school therefore better at cross country which I dominated my own school despite my being short til grade 5. In grade six me and this kid tyler were put in the sane senior Public school and he was defibetly better at some sports. Baseball and hockey were not school sports which I played competitively outside of school. We remained acquaintances, not so much friends. To be honest he hung around some of my friends cause we all played sports but he wasn't my friend. We saw him as a little over the top cocky and defibetly an ass kisser when it came to teachers and authority. Which me and my friends were not. Even one of my closest friends whos dad was the head of the local o.p.p. did not kiss authoritys ass.

In high school my house became the weekend party house because my parents had a trailer on the weekends the left for and my place was wide open. For the most part I was responsible and kept the parties small. There's always that one bigger one though and it came around grade 11. I was 16. Had an older acquaintance buy the booze and just had everyone pay a certain fee as they came in and that allotted them enough drinks to get a good buzz. All except for one brought their own booze. The earlier mentioned tyler decided to come. The same tyler who I found out later had brought the booze cause they were leftover ironically from a party he had at his own house a week before. As the night went on he proceeded to open a box of mini Cinnabons cereal and started spitting them on the floor just to be a dick or think it was a funny way to disrespect the house I guess. I glanced at my friend jeff who was about my height but 260 and solid and gave him the nod. He grabbed him and together we escorted him nicely, not roughing him up just making him walk as best he could out to my friends car. It was only a 5 minute ride to his parents house but at the last second we pulled up to his front yard I could tell he was gonna puke so I opened his door. After the car stopped I shoved him out rather gently with my foot and left him there.

A few days later im hanging with my friend Jeff who was the gut who helped escort him home, ( and older friend of Jeff's older brother was the one who drove as he hadnt drank ) but my dad had called Jeff's dad who was the o.p.p. officer and we both got rounded up to go to my parents place which we knew was odd. At first dad had my and jeff because we were younger move a two seated bench he had built from the backyard to the front deck while we knew our dad's who didnt really know eachother talked. Apparently Tyler's dad had called and said his sun stumbled in drunk a couples nights before and had been drinking at my parents place. Booze we served him lol. The part of the story left out is that tyler had brought his own booze from the household of the man complaining where he had a party just one weekend before with people drinking. Apparently he went on to say he could sue and blah blah my dad said he gad hung up on him before he could finish lol. But me and my friend jeff got a speech about how parents could be liable if something happened with someone drinking at the house reassured by Jeff's dad the o.p.p. officer to hit the point home which im sure is why dad had him bring us over.

The irony of all this is Tyler who was always a cocky prick and obviously was the dick in this story who committed more wrong and lied is now a cop. Lol. And his father that called was later involved in a major lawsuit and found guilty of embezzling money to himself from a multi million dollar auto motive factory he worked in the office for. Do I have a problem with all this. Fuck yah I do and sonetimes you just need to put the story out there. I have a few more about the mafia in blue that happened later. Which I will post another time. Ty to all that took the time to read this and have a good one my friends!

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I have had some great moments with them but they both were often quite toxic and abusive even.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father and only did the really bare minimum. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable.

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes me very upset to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and pretty much everyone including teachers at school believe that. As I said I do feel for her then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that?

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was been very cold and unreasonable. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes and my father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

PS before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.

Hi There, I went through a huge, devastating life events, that traumatised me. I found I was in vain! My work, my love, my life purpose, my whole life was vain! I thought I was living my perfect life, but it was all lies! Anyways, It's 2 years now, still struggling to find meaning in my life. I couldn't love it, I tried, But This life doesn't feel like me! In every aspect of it! And I don't know who I'm now! What is my passion? What is my life purpose that makes my wake up every morning with energy and zest? I'm not able to do any effort to rebuild my life internally or externally. My body became weak and I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia! So even when I feel a Glimpse of inner hope, I cant act bcz I feel Tired!

Everyday I ask myself, What is the meaning of ur life? What is ur purpose that u work for? Ur life is meaningless, empty, and bale!

I've done huge amount of innerwork and therapy.

I've moved thru dark nights, now I'm waaay better, but still this MEANING dilemma is suffocating me, Defeating my everyday.

I really need support from people who survived the same situation. I need inspiring stories, advice maybe, motivation ❤️ supportive community which I can feel a sense if belonging ❤️ I really need to feel I BELONG to people like me.

tldr: no short way to put all this, i'm sorry... read or don't read...

This post got removed from r/advice after an upvote with no comment or response for it, and removed from r/abusesurvivors... I wonder how much or how many people enjoy this and how much I will be censored... I believe that we live in a sick world with warped ideas of justice and sick people that want those they disagree with to be portrayed as monsters they never really were... I am a living example of having a difference of opinion and knowing truth and real justice and denied that by being framed guilty while actually being innocent, without due process but by opinions alone because that due process would have proved me right... this post might even be removed from this subreddit as well...

years ago - my own family worked against me, in the shadows of my awareness, for crimes committed by my ex in my sleep made to look like me as some intense substance abuser that I have never been in my life and still not to this day... I am stuck with my parents because I don't feel safe anywhere else, and even not safe with them by psychological warfare in constant gaslighting to my face and efforts worked against me behind my back, much like my traumas were ensued at all those many years ago, and I have even less memory of it than the ones involved as well as the ones that watched and allowed it all to happen as well as the ones arriving on scene and scrubbing the matter and leaving me for dead by not knowing anything and still being at risk from the real perpetrator that is my child's mother..

I never got my day in court - because even though police were on scene, the entire matter got scrubbed without a case because the entirety of the evidence actually exonerates me - and everyone involved hates that because it means to look at both the ones involved as well as the ones that allowed matters to escalate behind my awareness and knowledge to get to the points of extreme in which were reached...

I begged for cameras to be put up, and they were, so to prevent any matters from happening to anyone at all - as I felt my kids and I would be safe with my ex under the same roof as my own parents - I was absolutely wrong and nothing has been done about it but to make a scapegoat our of me through mental health and fraudulent people posing as people they actually weren't, including girls posing as grown women... nothing has been off limits to try to frame me in, including my own dogs... even my own doctors from the very first doctor - Dr. Patrick Herd - wrote lies in my reports as my own words that I never said myself, and I found out through a VA doctor that didn't even want to correct any of it with me but wanted to give me another doctor instead... This is why I refuse to seek help anymore from doctors...

My parents love to watch violent loud thrillers with screaming and my Dad laughs as loud as he can and my Mom likes to say snarky comebacks as loud as she can - even from the other end of the house, I have to stay in my room to avoid these things and even then I find myself asking them to turn it down because it is all loud enough to travel all the way to my room and with both doors shut..

My previous dog, Rocco, needed to go to the vet, and I wanted to take her and consistently asked my parents to help me with that before i got on a stable income for PTSD from the previously mentioned traumas as well as VA income (not much more than the average full time employee, I was accepted bare minimum for both) - finally, Rocco was making noises in pain and nobody could talk me out of it anymore to take her to a vet - as it turned out, she was in heavy stages of cancer and would be spending the rest of her life in that veterinary clinic and I lost her that very day...

My current dog, Ruby, needed to go to the vet at some point as well - again, consistently talked out of it by both my parents and the vet staff i asked advice from, even after explaining that Ruby was denying food for two days straight, until I finally sounded off like a hypochondriac to get her into that clinic and still being talked out of testing her, I asked them to test her anyway and it turned out she had a small liver infection - we get home and I tell my parents about it, and after all the gaslighting about her being okay from my Dad, he then says "I TOLD YOU SO!"

I'm also a homebody gamer - I was also told of which gaming communities I would join, and I did join them to verify my suspicions in hearing them say their lines they waited so long to finally say, and likely record our conversation in discord as to manipulate later on to also make me look bad...

And now, Ruby is denying her food, even after medication has been given, she's tired of the fish food her vet doctor suggested, and i'm broke now until the end of the month, and she's also denying her other soft foods left over and her dry foods (she prefers soft foods and I don't mind the extra price by quantity in that)... This is now day 1 of denying her food...

my phone is off now because of bills (rent included, all this time) and unable to pay the phone bill, and also why I can't take Ruby to the vet yet either until the end of the month - because aside from bills, my money went into ways of escaping all this madness like video games and dating app features I thought might help any chances of meeting someone and moving on from everything and everyone (which is absolutely stupid, no woman is going to date someone in my position, no house or car of my own because of PTSD, let alone my situation presuming i'm doomed for that as well before anything even begins between us)...

I don't know what to do... my dad said years ago "damned if you do, damned if you don't" and my first doctor said years ago "it takes a village" before I could explain anything myself from my perspective with less memory than literally everyone else around us from excess substances forced into my body...

my life has been ruined, people have been using fraudulent ways to trick me, people have been gaslighting me, and my dogs have been used to make me look like a neglectful person on top of everything else...

I don't know if there is any possible advice for this or any way out of this frame job longstanding still - and I honestly believe my only way out is ending the game of it all myself by ending it all completely...

I can't even believe that people are even allowed to do all of this... over the course of years, patiently waiting to set me on fire, and nobody is ever going to answer for any of it...

I honestly believe the only way out of all this is just ending it myself...

Please - tell me i'm just being paranoid, tell me it's all in my head, tell me i'm the one wrong - and then show me - like I have been begging people to do for years now, only to be met with silence and more psychological warfare and more manipulation around my character as a person... Please, tell me...

I need real advice... Please do not say anything else but real advice, police play dumb and doctors play dumb, and crisis lines play dumb, and legal aide never call me back. so really, what real advice is there actually left??