Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I have had some great moments with them but they both were often quite toxic and abusive even.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father and only did the really bare minimum. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable.

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes me very upset to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and pretty much everyone including teachers at school believe that. As I said I do feel for her then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that?

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was been very cold and unreasonable. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes and my father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

PS before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.

Hi There, I went through a huge, devastating life events, that traumatised me. I found I was in vain! My work, my love, my life purpose, my whole life was vain! I thought I was living my perfect life, but it was all lies! Anyways, It's 2 years now, still struggling to find meaning in my life. I couldn't love it, I tried, But This life doesn't feel like me! In every aspect of it! And I don't know who I'm now! What is my passion? What is my life purpose that makes my wake up every morning with energy and zest? I'm not able to do any effort to rebuild my life internally or externally. My body became weak and I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia! So even when I feel a Glimpse of inner hope, I cant act bcz I feel Tired!

Everyday I ask myself, What is the meaning of ur life? What is ur purpose that u work for? Ur life is meaningless, empty, and bale!

I've done huge amount of innerwork and therapy.

I've moved thru dark nights, now I'm waaay better, but still this MEANING dilemma is suffocating me, Defeating my everyday.

I really need support from people who survived the same situation. I need inspiring stories, advice maybe, motivation ❤️ supportive community which I can feel a sense if belonging ❤️ I really need to feel I BELONG to people like me.

tldr: no short way to put all this, i'm sorry... read or don't read...

This post got removed from r/advice after an upvote with no comment or response for it, and removed from r/abusesurvivors... I wonder how much or how many people enjoy this and how much I will be censored... I believe that we live in a sick world with warped ideas of justice and sick people that want those they disagree with to be portrayed as monsters they never really were... I am a living example of having a difference of opinion and knowing truth and real justice and denied that by being framed guilty while actually being innocent, without due process but by opinions alone because that due process would have proved me right... this post might even be removed from this subreddit as well...

years ago - my own family worked against me, in the shadows of my awareness, for crimes committed by my ex in my sleep made to look like me as some intense substance abuser that I have never been in my life and still not to this day... I am stuck with my parents because I don't feel safe anywhere else, and even not safe with them by psychological warfare in constant gaslighting to my face and efforts worked against me behind my back, much like my traumas were ensued at all those many years ago, and I have even less memory of it than the ones involved as well as the ones that watched and allowed it all to happen as well as the ones arriving on scene and scrubbing the matter and leaving me for dead by not knowing anything and still being at risk from the real perpetrator that is my child's mother..

I never got my day in court - because even though police were on scene, the entire matter got scrubbed without a case because the entirety of the evidence actually exonerates me - and everyone involved hates that because it means to look at both the ones involved as well as the ones that allowed matters to escalate behind my awareness and knowledge to get to the points of extreme in which were reached...

I begged for cameras to be put up, and they were, so to prevent any matters from happening to anyone at all - as I felt my kids and I would be safe with my ex under the same roof as my own parents - I was absolutely wrong and nothing has been done about it but to make a scapegoat our of me through mental health and fraudulent people posing as people they actually weren't, including girls posing as grown women... nothing has been off limits to try to frame me in, including my own dogs... even my own doctors from the very first doctor - Dr. Patrick Herd - wrote lies in my reports as my own words that I never said myself, and I found out through a VA doctor that didn't even want to correct any of it with me but wanted to give me another doctor instead... This is why I refuse to seek help anymore from doctors...

My parents love to watch violent loud thrillers with screaming and my Dad laughs as loud as he can and my Mom likes to say snarky comebacks as loud as she can - even from the other end of the house, I have to stay in my room to avoid these things and even then I find myself asking them to turn it down because it is all loud enough to travel all the way to my room and with both doors shut..

My previous dog, Rocco, needed to go to the vet, and I wanted to take her and consistently asked my parents to help me with that before i got on a stable income for PTSD from the previously mentioned traumas as well as VA income (not much more than the average full time employee, I was accepted bare minimum for both) - finally, Rocco was making noises in pain and nobody could talk me out of it anymore to take her to a vet - as it turned out, she was in heavy stages of cancer and would be spending the rest of her life in that veterinary clinic and I lost her that very day...

My current dog, Ruby, needed to go to the vet at some point as well - again, consistently talked out of it by both my parents and the vet staff i asked advice from, even after explaining that Ruby was denying food for two days straight, until I finally sounded off like a hypochondriac to get her into that clinic and still being talked out of testing her, I asked them to test her anyway and it turned out she had a small liver infection - we get home and I tell my parents about it, and after all the gaslighting about her being okay from my Dad, he then says "I TOLD YOU SO!"

I'm also a homebody gamer - I was also told of which gaming communities I would join, and I did join them to verify my suspicions in hearing them say their lines they waited so long to finally say, and likely record our conversation in discord as to manipulate later on to also make me look bad...

And now, Ruby is denying her food, even after medication has been given, she's tired of the fish food her vet doctor suggested, and i'm broke now until the end of the month, and she's also denying her other soft foods left over and her dry foods (she prefers soft foods and I don't mind the extra price by quantity in that)... This is now day 1 of denying her food...

my phone is off now because of bills (rent included, all this time) and unable to pay the phone bill, and also why I can't take Ruby to the vet yet either until the end of the month - because aside from bills, my money went into ways of escaping all this madness like video games and dating app features I thought might help any chances of meeting someone and moving on from everything and everyone (which is absolutely stupid, no woman is going to date someone in my position, no house or car of my own because of PTSD, let alone my situation presuming i'm doomed for that as well before anything even begins between us)...

I don't know what to do... my dad said years ago "damned if you do, damned if you don't" and my first doctor said years ago "it takes a village" before I could explain anything myself from my perspective with less memory than literally everyone else around us from excess substances forced into my body...

my life has been ruined, people have been using fraudulent ways to trick me, people have been gaslighting me, and my dogs have been used to make me look like a neglectful person on top of everything else...

I don't know if there is any possible advice for this or any way out of this frame job longstanding still - and I honestly believe my only way out is ending the game of it all myself by ending it all completely...

I can't even believe that people are even allowed to do all of this... over the course of years, patiently waiting to set me on fire, and nobody is ever going to answer for any of it...

I honestly believe the only way out of all this is just ending it myself...

Please - tell me i'm just being paranoid, tell me it's all in my head, tell me i'm the one wrong - and then show me - like I have been begging people to do for years now, only to be met with silence and more psychological warfare and more manipulation around my character as a person... Please, tell me...

I need real advice... Please do not say anything else but real advice, police play dumb and doctors play dumb, and crisis lines play dumb, and legal aide never call me back. so really, what real advice is there actually left??

ok hi, this is my first time posting anything on any social media platform, i just created my reddit account after i saw videos of like people sharing their stories on here and getting genuine advice abt them, and that reddit can be a good place idk ( so pls be nice lol)

what i am going to share and rant abt here is very hard for me to do a lot of advices that i see online is that you have to at least share this with someone so that you don't feel alone bla bla bla but now theres this community i kinda feel like i can share here my story and get help from people with similar experience or heard

but its just that i really cant cuz idk i feel shame and disgusting and that like i will never heal from it and that its not that big cuz there was no like direct r*ape and that people have it worse so mine is irrelevant or it doesnt count as SA or s*xual abuse.

also, nobody in my family or 3 friends that i have know abt this (except for like two we'll get to that later) so yeah ill start now.. ok yall wait im fucking shaking cuz this si gonna be long .

so i am 19 almost 20 (F) and this happened to me when i was like 8 or 9 max.. and the person who did this to me (she's older than me 3 years age gap ) is now 22 were gonna call her Nat so at that time she was 12

so we were at my grandma's house from my moms side and my uncles live there too

so to put a picture on my grandmas house its a villa with three floors , first one the ground one is for my grandparents second is for two of my uncles like two small apartment and the last one is for my other two uncles this is where Nat lives.

so i remember this so fresh like it happened yestrday, she called me over to her house nobody was there exepct for her and her sister but her lil sister was at downstairs.

so i was there with here i remember going in to her room then she called me to wait shes gonna close the door with the key lock. and then told me "listen i am going to show you some things but you have to promise to not say it to anyone or i will never talk to you again" and she scared me so bad and at that time i did not have any friends and she was the only girl that i could play with or talk to like as kids even tho she was super mean to me before this and always bragged to me abt stuffthat my other uncles got her that i didn't have ( mind you i was 8 a little kidd)

so i said yeah i promise I'm good with secrets.

then she opened her fathers laptop, wrote something on google ....

and then pictures, oh my godd, i still cant get it out of my head, disgusting pictures popped out i think u know what i mean but it was just way more and worse, i felt like i was punched in the chest i felt myself breathing very fast and hyperventilating, i felt my eyes popping out of my heaad like i was genuinely horrified and i at first did not fucking understand what i was seeing like i told her Nat what is that what is this stuff and in some pics there was p*nis and she told me giggly its the boys thingie and then i remember telling her while being terrified, Nat that is disgusting i dont like this

i dont remember if i almost started to cry or not after it its really blurry and i feel like my brain blocked half of these things, like i remember before going downstairs while she was opening the door i think cuz my mmom called me or like we were leavings she told me remember this is our little secret nobody has to know abt this or i wil never ttalk to you again

so ok this was the very first time that i was exposed to p***nography i hate this sfuckiing word and theres more like this

so i am going to post more now its just i need a break but you guys tell me if its ok if in use a lil graphic description abt some things that happened to me, idk how ppl do it here.

so i just want to says guys, i dont wanna fucking excuse her what she did idc if she was young and shit she was 12 almost 13 thats kinda old compared to someone who was 8 or 9 but i didnt ask for it, she had a lot of friends and loving parents and a FUCKING LAPTOP she the first grandchild of the family and i am second like even now she has such a narcissitic personality where like she doesnt care abt how people feel or how her words sounds or like she feels super superior.

so yeah

ok im back

so after this, i really like dont remember how i passed my day, its all blur i think mostly shock like as if someone pushed me with force leaving me with chest pain.

so after this ,when we used to go to grandmas house sometime she used to call me upsatirs i remember almost all of them especially i fi focus enough like outlines of memories

so one time she took me to thier living room which was dark we sat in front of the door which faced the outside door with the key lock so that she can hear her parents when they come upstairs. she wrote something and then she put on a p**rn video i still remember almmost all of its i think 10 mins and like even the music i cant fucking get ii out of my head (need advice for these plss)

she told me get up on me like she was laying on her stomach and told me to get up on her and extend my legs and then i remember asking her like doess it hurt i dont wanna do this, cuz the woman seemed like she was crying, she told me yes and described it in a way that is so vile i cant even say it here out of respect, and i swear she used to look at me in such a crazy way like as if shes really enjoying the terror on my face, and then she heard footsteps so she quickly deleted everything like history tabs.... i told her does your mom and dad know, how did they not do something to u or remove the laptop form you she told me " they dont know, and do not say a fucking say a word" she acctually terrorized me with fear, its as if maybe it sounds very light how i am saying but the way she used to grab me and look at me and the tone of her voice ( i really hope you know what i mean by this i was in elementary school) so when her dad came, she switched to a tab of YouTube and her dad came told her hi Nattie he took the laptop i saw him check her history and sutff with a mad face ( he has a resting mad face ykwim) and she seemed like she was goona pee herself and like he gave it back

this is the only p**rn video that she showed me,

she used to sometime show me erotic kissing videos on youtube of like shows and movies idk how she used to find these even some b**reast s**king and disgusting things like that from shows and movies and animes

and she used to force me to kiss her on the mouth and she would like really hurt me even when i try pushing her she tell me angrily this is how it is done. and then get mad and not talk to me so i say sorry

she used to call me to what i thought was "an innocent" sleepover like upstairs at her house but then she'll start kissing me hard really cutting my breath off and breathing hard on me like i would never start it she'll always coerce me into it and i always find it hard to accept especially since we were both girls like one time i asked her that its not good that girls and girls kiss like its wrong especially at this age like its super early and bad and disgusting she told me no dw u r not going to hell bcuz of it its ok l ( this is not abt gender or orientation, ok i was young i thought that everything we were doing was wrong and disgusting)

and what i am going to say next is the reason why i am like this

so sometimes things like this escalate she'll start ..like groping me down there like really touch it and hurt me and i always told her no like its painful she would tell me u will see a white thing coming there dw with a creepy fucking smile while everyone was fucking sleepin

she would take me to the toilet wait there while i started crying and ill see if what she said its true which it wasnt so ill tell her ok now i want to go downstairs back to my mom and aunts and she would let me after a few tries while being mad and thereatening.

omg fuck i need a break

so this is as a whole happened like 4 or 5 times max like the sleepover i am so grateful that i never fucking slept with her , i mean spend the whole night, its usually before midnight i go back downstairs, except one time with her sister bcuz she wanted to kiss me like Nat does which i said yeah cuz i started like accepting itor kinda used to it .

omgg fuckk, i hate myself for this but the thing is that she saw us and the morning she said why tf where u messing with my sister and i said well she asked me to i said yes like u always do

she said i'll go tell mom i remember begging her so hard that i will not do it again she said no while tying her shoelaces and having this cold expression in her face.

she fucking told her mom

you could not imagine how i felt at this moment, the way i was shook to the core, felt disgusting and ashamed and that it was my fault, and the fact she started doing this to me those same previous months... yeah

her mom like almost screamed at me, she really threatened me if i do it again she will tell my mom

i was 10 i think,( sorry guys about the timeline of my age, i really genuinely feel like i was dissociating at that time or after everything that happened, i think its to cope idk, so if any of you guys felt like this after trauma or SA or other things like this please please lemme know if its common)

i told her pls dont tell mom, she said yeah just go, her mom is a bitch too like shes known for making alot of drama and causing problems, she didnt even try to figure out why or who...

i was so fucking mad at Nat, i didnt talk to her, went downsatirs but yeah

this one too its very vivid in my mind.

one time my mom and aunts went to shopping so they decided to leave me and her at a friends house babysitting us.

the girl babysitter was super nice to nat, cuz she knew her and stuff, when the girl was cooking nat, came in and forced me to play asleep so she could do things on my neck and the women would not suspect her

i cant get it of my head fuckk i remember all these like it was yesterday i wanna scream so bad god

when we were sometimes at grandmas she would ask me to come close the door and try to make me naked on the upper side like she will grope me forcefully and place her mouth... it was from a scene of a turkish serie and i vividly recall it

now just like i am saying these are alll the things that happened to me i recall them correctly

the blurry memories are what happened after i left her or more like when she was "finished with me" like the dissociation that happened to me,

so alll of this was like i think for 2 years max, so it was months after her sis incident and i was 10 almost 11 i think.

that when she started distancing herself from me, not coming downstairs when i visit or play with me or talk or chat so i felt used like in my mind i was like" so im only fun for those things " i felt discared.

and you would not believe why tf she did that

thats because she was 14 and hit her puberty

one time we were in the back yard garden and then i told her why did you stop and i had this thinking of omg shes bored of me or im not obeying her anymore..

but what she said was ... how do i put this as if that was the last brink of thin ice for me

she said mockingly and as if "uhhh duhh obviously way" umm its cuz its bad and disgusting and i dont like it anymore ??and SHE HAD THAT SARCASM-FAKING FACE THAT I WISH I COULD'VE PUNCHED IT OUT OF HER RIGHT THERE AND NOW, WHILE LAUGHINGAT my fucking face.

she made me feel as if i was a used piece of shit, disgusted at myself, it almost felt like as if I WAS THE ONE THAT MADE HER FEEL THESE TING FROM MY PART OR THAT I INVITED HERR so that she would be with me as a friend or sister, and it wasnt my fucking faulttt i cried so hard and felt so awkward

so now, we may ask, what a fucking CHILDD NOT EVEN PRETEEN at that age do when he has a secret with his only friend ,he would start loving it or feel like hes super duper important because of that secret.

so that i sensed like i did something wrong . then yeah i think that was 2017 i think cuz i remember yeah these things with her stopped cuz i just lowkey stopped going up to her house or hanging out with her like i focused more so on my other cousins that i always played with even when she was doing all that to me, and then 3 years later came covid, i havent seen her at all those two years even tho we went to grandma house a lot ofc , but she wouldnt come downstairs

( just a note, i became very good at pretending that there was nothing wrong cuz in my brain yeah there was nothing wrong with hiding a secret with my "best friend" and laughing cheekily with her in gathering of lunch and stuff like that WHEN SHE USED TO PRETEND THAT SHE DID NOT SEE ME OR DISMISS ME, cuz i continued living normally when we used to visit grandmas house because all that sit was occasional for her)

now, 4 years ago, 2022, she started coming downstairs again and trying to talk to me normally like nothing ever fucking happpend between us, her treating me with same narcisisitic shit bragging and making herself important.

and i hate her so much i tell my mom and siblings that i hate her but they think the reason is that its cuz she too into herself.

ME at my big age still feel that it is my fault and, that i am disgusting, that i used to look forward to do it with her when i go there even if it didnt always happen when i went to grandmas house thank the lord.

so yeah u guys sorry this is wrong and full of typos i took a break every 20 minutes cuz i cant see from tears lool and my mom is here so yeah

i want advice on this especially like the aftermath that i have dealing with 12 years after like how i am now so i will make another update or post

i really want you to talk to me abt this and tell me if this is SA or not or some of abuse, and respond to where i said i need help on this or the brackets thing.

i genuinly dont know what to do anymore.

none of my family knows about this, not my family or extended family, only one girl that i used to be real close friends with in high school becuase she had a situation with her uncle too , i tried reaching out after high school but she cut contacts with me and moved to canada

thank u so much for taking the time to read this IT SO DAMNN LONG LMAO

Я хотел бы рассказать о своих травмах (моральных) буквально только что я зашёл в какой-то чат там где было куча людей и они все общались, но у 2 парней были явно не все дома...они начали кидать похоть и кровь,мозги и прочее дерьмо...например как муж застал жену за изменой, и достал все внутренности парня...м-да но так как я ещё ваабще не взрослый (мне 13) и да не спрашивайте что я забыл в реддите, но как я знаю он с 13. Так вот и я бы хотел попросить бесплатной помощи от психолога, просто ответьте в мне в ответы и рокажите как с этим бороться? Потомучто я думаю что нормально уснуть не смогу... я нуждаюсь вашей помощи,поэтому я и скачал реддит, ну или просто поговорите со мной, что бы я отвлёкся от этого. Не успел я отойти от грешариков, как тут эта ху...ну вы поняли...

очень хочу отвлечься от этого, поэтому делайте что хотите задавайте мне вопросы, кидайте смешные мемы,лиш-бы мне отвлечься. Спасибо за понимание:)

Same as title

I need advice on what to do next any advice will help. Thanks

I’ve never told anyone because it’s embarrassing i guess and a little traumatic. I had severe acne as a teen and my parents would pin my down to pop my pimples. They did this multiple times a week for years. My mom couldn’t stand to see the white heads she said she just couldn’t take how disgusting it was. My dad would sit on my legs and hold my arms down while my mom sat on my chest and popped every single pimple on my face. It would hurt so bad and I was scream and thrash around and they just wouldn’t let me go. Then my mom would her done and want to do my back too. So they would flip me over and hold me down again and repeat the process on my whole back. I get these huge pimples and lumps on my back that already hurt so bad and then she would squeeze and squeeze them so I was screaming and begging them to stop while I got screamed at that this is what I get because I won’t wash my face. I was washing the fuck out of my face. As an adult I know what I needed was medical attention and help from a dermatologist, not shame and torture. My entire face and back is pockmarked all over because of the scarring. Scars I wouldn’t have if I could have just been left alone.

Im 17m yes quite young i suppose lets make bullet points to make it easier to read and with time lines

(All things arent of my perspective some are of me getting brainwashed by family members)

1-6 years old - i was so happy a loving family a absolute great dad , grandparents, a great uncle and great mom

7-9 years old - my father became an alcoholic started seeing fights with my mother about his affairs i suppose and i was just a kid didnt really understand it one day my father almost killed my mom and i was really scared my uncle came in our room and bashed his head with a baseball bat and then he ran-away while my mother was cleaning up blood on the floor from her own wound later he got into rehabilitation. My uncle died in 2018 due to a bike accident which left me hanging

9-12 years old - my family moved to our hometown where my father was alright i started going to a new school where i meet a girl (S) i really liked her
And she was the only one i used to talk to because no one in my family was worth talking to i grew closer to her because she was my routine, eventually we started dating and life was great

12-16 years old - things were great with S until she started cheating on me once with my good friend then with a senior then with a random
College guy i used to forgive her everytime because she was my life at that point i had no one but her later my dad fell into depression and started drinking a lot he used to beat me and my mom i never celebrated my birthday because he was with his girlfriend and then came 10th grade he used to say dont cry when im gone i used to laugh it off and then one day his health deteriorated and he eventually died in another city i only saw his remains (his heart) which i had to throw in a holy river (im hindu) then after 10th grade got over my mom left me and i still dont know where

16-17 - i still love S cant get over her while she left me because she was bored , i lost my family , i live with my grandparents who almost all day remind me of how my mother left me and during this period i had diagnosed depression and i started drug abusing mostly weed which i used to smoke because i was too headed eventually got that phase over and here i am Lonely,ambitious and dead from inside

If you have read till here , Thank you absolutely thank youuuuuu

Thank you for your participation! :)

Struggling with a heavy mental loop and intense self-blame after an uncomfortable public transit experience.

Today I went through a really distressing situation during my daily commute. A public transport driver acted inappropriately and disrespectfully throughout the trip. Because of shock and the suddenness of it, I just wanted to get away as fast as possible, paid him, and rushed out.

Since it happened, I've been completely stuck in a relentless loop of overthinking. I keep replaying the whole thing in my mind, feeling a heavy wave of self-blame for how I reacted and wishing things had gone differently. It has taken a massive toll on me emotionally and physically, leaving me with a tight chest, deep grief, and a feeling of complete exhaustion.

I just feel so lost and don't know how to stop beating myself up over a situation I didn't ask for. I needed a safe space to let this out.

.

Today I learned that when a person, especially a child, maintains normal controlled breathing when crying with no spasms, gasps, hiccups, etc. it's a form of emotional suppression. It comes down to how the sounds of crying are supposed to alert others, in this case parents, to their child being in distress... but if a kid doesn't cry audibly it's usually because they've learned not to. If a child is ignored, invalidated, or otherwise punished for crying -not for their behavior, but for having emotions- they will learn to cry quieter as to avoid punishment. They'll learn to control their breathing so that only tears will show, because they've been taught that crying is bad.

I cry silently. I have for a very long time, likely since I was around 10 years old. And I know why; my mom isn't kind to me, and I know she wasn't kind to me when I was a child. Even today she reprimands me if I'm "rude" (give concise answers in a neutral tone because I'm tired), calls me emotionally immature for my clinical depression which is just "choosing to be sad", and a couple months ago she grounded me because I was stressed about schoolwork even though I was valedictorian. All my life I've been taught that any negative emotion gets me punished, that I'm only allowed to be happy and helpful or I'm a bad person.

I barely remember my mom from when I was a kid, but I do remember learning to cry silently.

Feeling completely overwhelmed and stuck in a heavy mental loop after a distressing public transit incident. I live in Iraq, where small three-wheeled auto-rickshaws (known locally as tuk-tuks) are a common way to get around. Today, during my daily commute, the driver was acting strangely, repeatedly sticking his hand out. I tried to ignore it and looked away the whole ride, wanting nothing to do with it. Right near the end of the trip, I glanced over and realized he had been making obscene gestures and insulting me the entire time. Because of the shock and suddenness, I kept silent until I reached and just threw the fare at him and got out . To make matters worse, a coworker was in another vehicle right behind us, which made the whole thing feel even more humiliating and anxiety-inducing. Ever since it happened, as a 30-year-old, I've been trapped in a relentless loop of overthinking and mental replay. It has taken a massive toll on me physically and emotionally—triggering persistent chest pain, deep grief, and a harsh wave of self-blame. I feel completely lost, unable to process what happened properly, or figure out how to stop beating myself up over my reaction. I just feel so exhausted and don't know how to move past this heavy feeling.

I need advice from anyone, victims, suspects, bystanders idc.

I have recently found out that my father may have been a predator to a few family members/siblings in my house when I was young. I dont have any recollection of me being a victim but I also dont have much memory of my childhood due to medical reasons.

I was told by one of my siblings, they have mental health problems going on rn and we are not close at all. He randomly messaged the father of my children one day drunk and told him things that happened to him. My husband could tell he was definitely high on something when they were able to talk on the phone. But understandingly my husband took everything he said seriously.

When my husband finally told me I had multiple breakdowns obviously. First thing I did was turned to my other siblings to ask if they were victim as well.

The first sibling I asked is my younger sister that my dad has always favored over me. Ive always been the household joke of the stepdaughter middle child vibe because i wasnt a favorite by either parents. The first thing out of her mouth was her laughing, "Oh my god! I thought you knew?!" I screamed and broke down i blacked out and died inside. Begging her to tell me if she was serious. She continued saying that it was and that her and the other siblings, (the one that told my husband, and another sister) would talk about it when they were drunk sometimes. So she said she heard it from both siblings saying it happened too.

I was shocked scared and could only see red. I have two young children and if they all knew and they had been letting my kids stay at his home without telling me I hated all of them. The sibling that told me was the only one looking after my children and he didnt even talk to me.

My husband was in the room and he said he will never forget the look on my face when she told me she thought I knew. Him hearing that sealed everything he feared so he said he would never let him ever see our kids.

As I started to calm down, stop crying and talk to her she started to change her story a little. Then started back tracking a lot! I understand everyone goes back and forth on trauma so I understand while shes being hesitant on telling me the entire truth. But now its all becoming everyone calling each other liars and now she completely says she didnt say that anything happened.

This is a bridge we can never go back on ever again. My relationship is over with him. Idk if im not being accepting of the situation and in denial but now with my sisters completely saying the other sibling has mental health issues and that its not true. Because he also said things that me and my husband know isnt true either because it wouldnt have been possible.

I dont want my kids to spend the night or ever be alone with my father again obviously.

But am i wrong to be willing to be in a family public area with him and my kids? My husband says its never going to happen.

What do you think?

I live in Iraq, where we use tuk-tuks as a common means of transportation. Today, during a ride, I kept looking away to the other side, noticing out of the corner of my eye that the driver kept sticking his hand out periodically, but I chose to ignore him and not pay attention.

By chance, near the end of the trip, I turned my head and saw him making an obscene middle-finger gesture—realizing that he had been insulting and cursing at me the entire time. Because of shock and the suddenness of it, I didn't do anything except throw the fare at him and get out as quickly as possible. To make matters worse, a colleague of mine was riding in the tuk-tuk directly behind us, which added an intense layer of humiliation and anxiety.

Since then, I have been trapped in a severe psychological state of acute shock, profound exhaustion, and relentless mental rumination. I am constantly replaying the scene in my mind. This has taken a heavy emotional and physical toll, triggering continuous chest pain, overwhelming grief, deep self-blame, and feelings of utter helplessness.

I feel completely lost, unable to evaluate the situation properly, or figure out how to cope with my own reactions and this intense sense of self-betrayal. I just don't know what to do anymore or how to handle this feeling.