Practice originates from southern China and brought down to south east Asia of Chinese descents

Over the past 13 months — and especially since turning 40 this past April — I’ve been going through a period of self‑discovery, or maybe re‑self‑discovery. I’m sharing this because I’m curious whether anyone else has walked a similar path, and how your experience helped you. I’m not looking for answers or advice, just resonance and perspective.

I got sober on 1/4/2022. My spiritual life since then has been a journey with a lot of twists.

My Background

I was raised Roman Catholic and attended parochial school until bullying and violence pushed me out. Even after switching to public school, I still felt like an outsider — especially with the pressure of being “the smart kid.” My earliest memory of God is standing in a dark church with my mother, staring at a massive crucifix of a bloodied Christ. I didn’t understand it, only that I felt fear, guilt, and the sense that stepping out of line meant punishment. That impression stayed with me for decades.

In my teens, my friends and I wandered into a metaphysical shop called Gypsy Moon. They were interested in Ouija boards; I was drawn to the owner, an older witch named Maria. She answered my questions and encouraged my curiosity. I returned almost daily, reading everything I could. My mother panicked, thinking I was “communing with the devil,” but for me it was the first time spirituality felt empowering, balanced, and connected to nature. The idea of the divine as both Goddess and God made intuitive sense. I practiced into my early twenties.

Then my father died by suicide, and we buried him the day I turned 21. My drinking escalated, and my spirituality disappeared. I drank daily for 15 years, damaging one marriage and nearly another.

Sobriety and Rediscovery

When I got sober and worked the steps with my first sponsor, I prayed to a vague “spirit of the universe.” As I stayed sober, I dove headfirst back into Catholicism — retreats, Cursillo, parish council, all of it. But over time, between my daughter coming out, financial struggles in the parish, and the darker side of church politics, I began questioning everything. The fear-based foundation of my childhood didn’t fit anymore.

I felt myself being called back to the craft after twenty years away. I studied Taoism, Buddhism, and even parts of Christianity that still resonate — the golden rule, the Sermon on the Mount — but not the dogma. Last Lughnasadh (2025), I performed a rededication ritual to the Lady and Lord, and my life shifted. The connection I felt as a teenager returned, but now with the perspective of a 40-year-old man who’s been through hell and come out sober.

I’ve also noticed something interesting: the more I drank, the more rigid and right‑leaning my worldview became. Sobriety has softened that. I see nuance now — left, right, center, upside down. I avoid political discussions because they’re so volatile here in the States.

Where I Am Now

This past year has been rewarding as I walk the path again, but I’ve struggled to find others in AA who share similar beliefs. I’m a solitary practitioner, private by nature, and community has been hard to find.

I feel like my spirituality is a synthesis of Taoism, Buddhism, and Paganism. Not a hodgepodge — more like threads that all point toward balance, compassion, nature, and personal responsibility. But I’m used to having a name for my path, and now I’m realizing it may not have one. I’m not looking for structure, and I know that defining it only limits it. Still, I wonder if anyone else has lived in this unnamed space.

Hi,

34 M: I have had depression and anxiety probably since childhood. Anxiety has a very negative effect on my life. I always tend to do something to get rid of it.

I feel that nothing really makes sense except some inner practices. For mild anxiety, I understand that it is good to bring my attention back to the lower dantian, and maybe also connect it with the upper dantian so that the fire can be nourished.

However, I always get discouraged when I read warnings that these practices can lead to psychotic states and other similar problems. This actually makes my anxiety even worse, so I see it as another obstacle.

For several years, I have practiced Zhan Zhuang (Standing Like a Tree) from time to time, together with visualizing the lower dantian as a small hot ball. But I do not think I have made any significant progress.

Recently, I came across Kan and Li, but the warnings there seem to be even stronger.

I feel stuck in a cycle of anxiety, and I do not know how to get out of it. :(