My boyfriend (30M) and I (30F) have been together for almost three years. When we first started dating, he was upfront with me that his ex was pregnant, but he wasn't sure if the baby was his. I accepted the situation, and a paternity test eventually confirmed that he was the father. I was still willing to accept both of them as part of my life. Initially, my boyfriend and his child's mother had an arrangement where they each had the them for a week at a time. Eventually, my boyfriend and I moved in together, and he started having trouble finding childcare during his custody time. At first, he told me he didn't want me to have to take on that responsibility. However, things eventually reached a point where he was at risk of losing his job because he couldn't find anyone to provide childcare. I offered to help in that emergency situation because I work from home overnight and thought I could manage it. Unfortunately, what started as occasional help gradually became an expectation that I would watch his child whenever the child was with us for the week.
Then I got pregnant.
Around the halfway point of my pregnancy, I repeatedly communicated that once our baby was born, I wouldn't be able to take responsibility for both a toddler and a newborn. I continued providing childcare throughout my entire pregnancy, literally until the week before I gave birth, but I was clear that things would need to change after the baby arrived.
Our baby is now here and I've maintained that boundary because I know my limits and if I made everyone else happy and just gave in, I wouldn’t be mentally okay. My boyfriend is having to find childcare again and sometimes he struggles to find someone.
The part that's making this difficult is that, over time, my boyfriend, his family, and even his child’s mother have come to view me as another parent to them. My boyfriend has specifically told me that he wants me to look at them as if they are my own child and that all three of us are their parents.
I genuinely love that little kid, but I never intended to become their primary caregiver during my boyfriend's custody time and I feel like helping out in an emergency somehow turned into an obligation.
Now I feel guilty because everyone seems to have gotten accustomed to me taking care of them,
and my decision to stop has created a problem for everyone else and his family has become distant from me when before, we were close.
I love my boyfriend and I understand that his kid is part of his life. I'm not asking him to choose between his children. I'm simply trying to protect my own well-being and make sure I can take care of my newborn.
Am I wrong for maintaining this boundary, even though it means my boyfriend has to figure out childcare himself? How do I navigate this without being made to feel like I'm abandoning his child?

Just got cold, didn't check if kid has warm weather clothes that fit, had no pants this morning.

Bought kid cereal, forgot kid has an almond allergy and can't have the almond milk I buy for myself.

Thats all. 🥲

Throw away account so I don't hurt anyone's feelings. Does anyone not get much joy out of having a SK?

I have a preteen SD and she's a good kid. I never wanted kids. My husband is a great dad and I'm lucky for my situation. I've been in her life about 6 years and married for 3.

We have her 50/50 and I find myself dreading the time she's here. Our whole routine changes and everything becomes about her. She's messy and her dad and I have different ideas of what we think is acceptable. When she's not here, they call every day. I feel like there's never a break. She doesn't do anything terrible, just typical annoying kid things. I'm very lucky.

I feel terrible that I don't enjoy her. I will always take care of her and be kind to her but I haven't grown to enjoy or even really like her like I was hoping.

When she goes back to her moms her dad gets sad and misses her. I try to be supportive but I don't feel that way at all.

Maybe I was naive in thinking this would get easier, but as time has gone on it has gotten harder for me. Yes I knew he had a kids when I married him, I just thought she'd grow on me more. I feel awful about that.

Can anyone relate?

Well, as the title says really....and I don't know what to do with or about it.

She is a lovely girl, 7. She is polite, pleasant, well behaved. You couldn't ask for better, really.

I am F34 (childless - semi-choice, semi-circumstance) and my partner is M33. We live together.

She doesn't spend much time with us because of an extra curricular she has. Its dropped down to literally one sleepover a week at best. She often spends one evening a week at ours too.

There are compounding issues that I know affect my feelings:

• Her mother is controlling

• We're having constant issues with child maintenance service (UK) because she was adamant that my partner was working, threatened solicitors and went to CMS - he was out of work for an injury and paying what he could which wasnt the £300 she was used to getting

• Till the CMS and solicitors threat she was overly nosey and intrusive on our lives

• We dont have a say over the schedule and time she is here, its all dictated by her mother (and grandmother sometimes)

• Ive had to go through 2 terminations in a short space of time for reasons...

They're the main ones. But even before rhe CMS stuff Ive just never really felt happy when shes here.

I find myself keeping my distance. I find somewhere to go/be on the weekday evenings she is here so im not home (and disguise it as them getting 1-1 time together) so I dont have to interact or entertain her. I often despise having to look after her for my partner. But I know if i say no, then he doesnt see her at all.

She is so sweet, she really likes me, she is no trouble at all, but i can't seem to be pleased she is here. I find going out sometimes is better as we're doing something.

I get annoyed over the small things when it comes to her.

More recently when he buys her dinner in (not take away) when we have food at home really grinds my gears (considering the financial position we're in). Its "she didnt want what we had" but im sorry, does she go to work and pay for our bills?

If im asked to look after her or do the school run (which is not often) it makes me feel so put out and annoyed.

I have almost 0 emotional tie to her. I feel bad in admitting that if she never came over again, I wouldnt be overly bothered about it.

I dont know the aim of this post, whether I want advice, reassurance, cebr, or to hear similar stories.... I am in counselling (new) so it will be a topic I bring up. I dont want this feeling to be forever. I want my own family with him eventually. It will change things and that fills me with some dread too over what it will look like.

Im stuck and I dont know how to sort of get over myself or it and the way I am feeling.

Also my partner doesnt know completely how im feeling- the avoidance etc. Though hes probably not an idiot to it. I'm just not ready to share until I have figured out or processed properly. It would destroy him. I dont want that.

wife and I had over how I handled a chore situation with my 12-year-old stepson.
Here is what happened: The kitchen trash was completely full—partially because he had just tossed an empty package of Oreos right on top instead of taking it out. Instead of taking it outside like he's supposed to, he tried to wedge a new trash bag right next to the full one so he could keep piling stuff in.

I wasn't mad or yelling—I was just being straightforward and direct. I asked him what he was doing and told him, "Hey, don't just put another bag there, take the full one out." He didn't really say anything back; he just sat down and went back to his Oreos. At that point, his mom stepped in and told him to go take it out right now.

Afterward, my wife brought it up to me and asked if I was saying those things with "kindness" or if I could explain it better to him. I told her I didn't feel like I needed to soften my approach or give a deep explanation—I was just giving him direction and correcting him on a basic process he already knows. Her response was that I shouldn't "assume things" about what he understands.

This is a recurring theme for us. My wife often says I'm "too hard" on him, but he has always been used to a softer, more chill parenting style. From my end, I feel like I'm just being a parent by stepping up to correct him when he tries to bypass a basic chore.
I don't think it's unreasonable to give a 12-year-old a direct instruction without wrapping it in extra niceties, but since he's used to a softer approach, it constantly creates friction between my wife and me.

And I feel like compared to the way I was raised. I’m a whole lot softer than my parents were. And I feel like they were pretty reasonable parents. My stepson is a person that will talk back to his mom and other things, just act out and not listen when you tell him to stop it’ll take a few tries. None of that would fly in my household growing up.

Hi all, I apologize in advance for the long post, but hope that some will take the time to read and offer advice. I’ve posted in here before, and I’m hoping to hear from people who have been in a similar situation.

I (36F) am married to my husband (41M), who has two children, my stepson (20M) and stepdaughter (18F). They live with us full-time. Their mother is mostly absent and doesn’t contribute financially towards them. I pay half of our household expenses and rent. My husband and I have discussed my stepson starting to contribute towards the household when he turns 21. He currently works a low-paying job, while my stepdaughter is still in school.

The issue is that I’m struggling with our living arrangement, and I’m starting to wonder whether living separately from my husband might be the only way to preserve our marriage. Before moving in with my husband, I lived alone. I had my own space, privacy and routine. Now, I live in a house with two young adults, and my stepdaughter is home probably 99% of the time. She is very introverted and a homebody, and rarely goes out apart from occasional visits to her boyfriend.

Because she is so introverted, things are still extremely awkward between us. We’ve lived together for almost three years, and there is still a lot of distance between me and the children. We’re civil with each other, but we don’t have much of a relationship. I know I’m also introverted, and I don’t always know how to bridge that gap. I’m not expecting us to become a close mother-daughter family, but the constant proximity without much connection is mentally draining. I often feel like I’m always “on”, and because my stepdaughter is nearly always home, I rarely feel like I have my husband or our home to myself.

I also notice that when my husband and the children are together without me, they seem more relaxed and comfortable with each other. When I’m there, things can feel awkward. I know they have a history and bond that I wasn’t part of, but it can leave me feeling like an outsider in my own home. The reality is that, given the current job and financial situation, I can see these children living with us well into their twenties. I don’t want to throw them out or make them feel unwelcome, but the thought of living this way for another four to six years, or even longer, is honestly nerve-wracking.

The other issue is that my marriage is already struggling. I don’t always feel emotionally supported by my husband, and I’ve increasingly realised that the family dynamic is taking a toll on me. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep trying to adjust myself to a living situation that I fundamentally don’t enjoy. I recently raised the possibility of getting my own place while remaining married. I’ve lived alone before, and part of me misses having that independence and peace. I wonder whether having our own spaces, while still spending time together as a couple, could give our marriage a chance to recover.

My husband was very upset and said that if we lived separately, we might as well get divorced. So now I’m faced with the possibility that the choice is to continue living this way or end the marriage. I’m torn because part of me wants a life with just my husband, but another part of me genuinely wants to be on my own. I don’t know whether living separately would help us reconnect or simply delay the inevitable.

For those of you who are married to parents and have chosen to live separately, how has it worked for you? Did having your own space improve your relationship, or did the distance create more problems? Do you feel it’s possible to maintain a healthy marriage this way, particularly when the main issue is the family living arrangement? I’d especially appreciate hearing from people who made this decision while they still loved their spouse but realised that living together was making them unhappy. Did you regret it, or did it give you the breathing room you needed?

Thank you.

I just need a moment to vent. I would LOVE to be like the cool aunt figure. I didn't want the additional emotional and physical labor of being a core attachment & stability figure for two kids that aren't mine. But, that's not the hand I was dealt. We have 50/50.

There is so much backstory about mom i don't care to get into, but she seems to have recently acquired a new boyfriend, and is now leaving the kids (4 and 12) home alone all the time. This is not illegal. She denies it. Nothing can really be done - the GAL and his attorney have been informed, but GAL has been pretty useless. CPS won't do anything unless kids get hurt. We're not sure if she's leaving my stepkids overnight (4 and 12, and she has an older daughter that is 14) but oldest daughter confirmed that she is left home alone all night and "will be fine" (he has no legal rights to her even though he raised her, which is a whole other sad story).

My SD12 now calls both of us multiple times in the evening/night just to chat. She's cooking for the toddler and putting her to bed. Oldest daughter may be around, but also partially lives with her GF it seems like, so we're not sure. There's literally nothing we can do. If you confront mom, she'll say she's home and child is lying. It's nuts. It's breaking my heart and he's constantly worried about his kids while they're there. Obviously there have been some behavioral issues that have cropped up since mom went AWOL, but we're dealing with it. I just can't even begin to imagine just ditching my kids home alone all the time rather than dropping them off with their orher parent. The craziest part is, her boyfriend lives one town past us, so she could literally drop them on her way there without even going out of the way. Instead they're home alone 20 minutes from a parent for God knows how long what seems like daily. Ahhhhh.

DH and I try to call my SS (7) once a week since we do one week on and one week off. His mom calls us once a week too.

When his mom calls, we allow him to have that conversation on his own without interjecting or speaking on his behalf. When we call, we are not given that same consideration. Every question is answered by his mom, step-dad, and whoever else is around him at the time.

It doesn't seem to bother him and he just happily stays quiet and nods along.

This isn't something we can necessarily bring up because she gets VERY defensive, no matter how politely we word our requests, and choosing to stop calling him may give him a negative impression about how we feel about him (or not, who knows) so this feels like a lose-lose battle.

It's just so annoying.

I know this is suppose to be a win situation and it takes some time to reach this point. my step daughter is 7 and we only have her every other weekend which is a bit long some hours of Friday and two full Saturday and Sunday and she leaves Monday morning. before it was much easier as she was more clingy to her father and spends more time with him and a bit not friendly with me however this takes some and we reach a point where she follows me around the house. it’s sweet and nice and also wants to accompany me and help me in the kitchen but this makes me really tired and exhausted. and not being there also makes children’s think like I don’t like her anymore and just want to be away. what do you guys do to have your alone time without hurting your stepchild feelings ?

cos this memories doesn’t go away

I remember when I was her age and my dad dropped me at my uncles house for few hours and my uncle made my presence so heavy by not spending any tome and looking a bit annoyed

I don’t want to do this and she remembers it in the future

so we see his daughter every other weekends and Mondays . I feel bad that she has to spend more time with her mum than her father. his ex wife called him today saying that in the summer she’s not able to take complete 3 weeks off and needs his support To cover at least one week. my problem is i don’t ask but I get disappointed when he doesn’t do stuff for me. we are married a year and still didn’t go on honeymoon. I waited waited nothing from his side about traveling. so I planned a trip and went alone which was not a holiday but to visit my parents. now I got an opportunity to travel with a friend ans I told him I really want to go and he got disappointed that he wants this trip with me. I said you only talk and nothing happens. He said he’s bad at planning and I should do the planning. I’m scared to plan something and get disappointed. I mean in our wedding anniversary he couldn’t take the day off. I took the day off but then decided to go back to work cos what’s the point!?
the wedding ceremony was not easy to plan as well. Everytime I come up with a date then he has something that day. So I just dropped it. Now he’s hurt and saying that he can’t believe I said that he will disappoint me even in the future cos I don’t believe he will plan a trip for me And saying one of the reason is his daughter And most of her holidays she spent with her mum. We barely have her in holidays.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore when it comes to my girlfriend’s 8-year-old daughter. Her behavior has become overwhelming, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point.

She hits me, kicks me, and cusses at me, and her mother does absolutely nothing to address it. She constantly screams in my 2-year-old son’s face, is disrespectful toward her 6-year-old sister, and continues to act out without any consequences.

Even when she has friends over and they’re running wild at 8 p.m. on a school night, her mother says nothing.
What makes the situation even worse is that her daughter will lie to her mother and accuse me of hitting her, going to extreme lengths to create arguments between us.

Instead of being able to have a conversation about the behavior and find a solution, every time I bring up my concerns, it turns into an argument, and I’m told to leave or find somewhere else to live.

I’m not expecting her daughter to be perfect, and I understand that she’s only 8 years old.

But I do expect basic respect, boundaries, and accountability. I also expect my concerns to be heard and taken seriously by the person I’m supposed to be building a life with.

At this point, I feel completely unheard, unsupported, and mentally exhausted. I’m trying to find a way to make this situation better, but it feels impossible when the person who should be working alongside me refuses to acknowledge the problem.

I’m not asking my girlfriend to choose between me and her daughter. I’m asking her to recognize that there is a problem and work with me to address it. I want a peaceful home where all the children feel safe, where boundaries are respected, and where we can handle problems as a team instead of turning every concern into a fight.

I love my girlfriend, but this situation is becoming increasingly difficult to live with. I can’t keep feeling like I’m the problem simply because I speak up about behavior that affects me, my son, and the entire household.

I genuinely don’t know what else I can do to get her to understand where I’m coming from, and it’s becoming absolutely exhausting.

I need some advice because my partner and I don't know what to do anymore with this. My partner's daughter (5) had the biggest tantrum tonight because our housemate was using the bathroom she wanted to use (mind, we have another toilet to use too). She screamed the whole house down saying SHE needed to go to the toilet but she couldn't because of our housemate. We told her she could either wait for her to finish or use the other toilet. Then she continued screaming she didn't want to use the other toilet and that the other bathroom was HERS. We told her again, calmly, she's got two choices; either wait or use the other toilet. Tantrum went on and on. We chose to ignore it and keep on eating our dinner. She became more angry, started throwing pillows. We told her off and she'd get a time out if she'd throw another pillow.
Then our housemate came out of the bathroom, so I told her the bathroom is free for her to use now. For some reason she didn't believe me and kept on screaming and crying that she was in there. We told her one more time it was free, but she chose to keep on screaming and crying. So we chose to ignore her again. Anyways, this kept on going until FINALLY she gave in to check the bathroom and then she smashed the door shut and kept on screaming in the bathroom too. "IT'S MY BATHROOM!!" she kept on repeating. Then when she finally came out, she just kept on crying and yelling. Then started claiming that everything was hers only and no one else's. The house, the living room etc. When she somewhat calmed down, my partner tried to reach out to her to ask if she was ready for a chat and she wasn't; she then continued crying and yelling and being angry again. We just cleared the table, kept her sister company in her room, doing some stuff.

Anyways, in the end she did come up to us again, still a bit angry. But my partner wanted to go talk to her and she just didn't want to listen at all, didn't care about what he said. I tried to talk to her to later on when her mood was better, telling her that behaviour wasn't acceptable, that we are kind to each other etc. And she said she wouldn't do it anymore, but it didn't sound like she actually meant it.

We're just kind of lost what to do to get her to listen and behave like a decent human being and not be such a princess just ordering people around (which she also does, we shut it down every time she does and tell her to ask nicely instead) and wanting to get everything she wants. (which we also don't do, but she's not great at receiving no's).

Any advice would be really appreciated!