Hi. I’ve never posted on Reddit before so I hope I’m doing this right. I (21F) am currently in my senior year of college. I go to school out of my hometown so I’ve been pretty independent while I’ve been here. Since I am graduating soon, I want to take advantage of the time I have left here to hang out with friends and make great memories. Another reason for that is because my boyfriend (25M) and I are getting engaged soon and plan on getting married next summer.

Usually, when I hang out with friends, we either go out for dinner or have a movie night. I’m not someone who drinks or goes out to bars or parties, so my plans are usually movies, dinner, and hanging out at friends’ apartments. When I go out, I usually get home anywhere between 10pm and 1am. I know it can be late, but my college town is pretty safe I would say, and a lot of people are usually out late. The times I get home late are usually because my friends and I are just chatting and having a good time. And even though it can get late, I think to myself that we’ll be graduating soon and won’t see each other as often, so I really want to take advantage of every moment I have with them.

When I get home late, my boyfriend will usually be upset that I was out so late. I’ll explain to him that we just spent a lot of time chatting and that I’m not doing anything bad. He’ll respond with something along the lines of “why can’t you just tell them it’s late and leave.” Again, I tell him that since we’re planning on getting married and that I’m graduating soon, that I want to have a good time before life changes (marriage, full time job, friends doing the same, etc). One recent event is when I got home at around midnight a few weeks ago after hanging out with a friend who was visiting for a couple of days (she lives out of state). I told him that I would probably be home at 11pm but since I got home later he got mad. I got so upset that I raised my voice and said something like “Every time I tell you I have plans, you get upset. The first thing you say is either ‘again?’ or ‘you already know, don’t get home late’. And if I get home late the first thing you say is ‘why so late’ or ‘you said you’d be home earlier’. You never ask me if I had a good time with my friends. You don’t ask me what we did. My friends also have boyfriends and I know they’re not getting upset like you are.” He didn’t really say anything back and I think we just left it at that. I can’t remember. \*Also, my parents don’t even get upset when I tell them about my plans. They just tell me to be safe and to not do anything crazy. Sometimes they’ll make comments like “you’re going out again?” or “but you just went out recently” but not to the point where they get mad. I think they trust me so I think that’s why they don’t really worry about it much.

This week, I had plans with my friends to go out for dinner, take pictures, and have a sleepover at my friend’s house. He did not like the idea of the sleepover when I told him, but eventually he was fine with it (because I said this is probably a one-time thing). I went along with those plans and everything was fine. Later this week, I have plans with a different group of friends to have a movie night. One of my friends mentioned potentially doing a sleepover, so I told him that that’s a possibility and he got upset. He said that it’s “becoming a habit now.” Mind you, the last time I had a sleepover with friends was probably two years ago. His argument is that now all of a sudden I want to have two sleepovers within the same week. I tell him that these are two separate groups of friends and that there is nothing wrong with having a sleepover. And again, it’s only a possibility it’s not confirmed. However, he is upset because I told him that the other sleepover would be a one-time thing and now I’m telling him I might actually have another one. So I told him to explain to me why he does not want me to have a sleepover, but to give me a valid reason besides “I don’t like it.” His only argument was that it’s “becoming a habit.” So I told him I didn’t wanna talk to him and just got off the phone. Then I started crying because as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I feel like he’s more concerned with the time that I get home or the time that I spend with my friends instead of being interested in knowing if I had a good time and if I had fun. I want him to be interested in the things that I do, but instead he gets upset at my plans. And he just doesn’t seem to understand that I’m trying to take advantage of my last year in college while I can see my friends frequently.

I’m posting this here, because I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. My friends know that I have a boyfriend and that we’re getting engaged soon and getting married soon after I graduate. They’re always asking me about my engagement and wedding planning, so it’s just embarrassing to tell them how I feel.

I don’t really know what to do about this.

TLDR: My boyfriend tends to not like when I make plans with friends and get to my apartment late. I recently had a sleepover with a group of friends and may *potentially be having another one with a different group of friends. He is upset about it, I’ve told him how miserable I feel that he gets upset about these things, and I’m not sure what to do.

i want to start this off by saying i don’t intend to be a cheater on purpose by any means but i am in a complicated situation . me and my bf have been together since early august .

the only thing that has ever concerned me with him was that he stated at one point that he would leave if he found someone “better than me” since this is his first year of college as that’s just biology but he would still love me . i made a post about it and got 500 comments telling me to leave him and that he’s a red flag but i still stayed regardless . however he has urged me to go to the same college as him and he says he misses me and all that so i don’t doubt him too much .

now fast forward to present time , i met a girl online on this platform a couple days ago that i really like , she is attractive in my eyes for sure . we gamed for a bit and we have a lot of similar traumas and hobbies and stuff the only real issue is that she lives in a completely different asian country (not gonna state which one for obvious reasons) while i’m in america . which obviously means theres a pretty low chance of us ever meeting plus we have a time difference and all that .

yesterday she did ask me to be her gf and stating that she is obsessive and crazy and needs a fp (favorite person) and she wants it to be me since the last girl got “scared” off by her . she also does sh and a couple other things which i’m worried about . i’m scared i put myself in a situation where someones mental health is dependent on me when i literally didn’t even have to do that , i have a boyfriend . for context she’s also 20 by the way , she’s older than me by a year .

i’m in love with this girl i met online but i have a bf and we’re from the same state , which means its obviously an actual relationship with him meanwhile with the girl its more so an online relationship . but i feel like i love the girl more than him . do i come clean about this to him ? i have to meet my bf soon in two weeks i’m worried ill act weird around him and i wont have an explanation as to why i’m behaving that way .

i feel horrible as if i’m a cheater but i dont know how to fix this and its my fault that i started talking to that girl but felt as if she needed someone to rely on and i wanted to be that person for her but now shes my girlfriend meanwhile she has no idea i have a bf irl .

**TLDR:** I have a boyfriend but started calling a woman I recently met online my girlfriend without telling her about him. I need advice on being honest with both of them and setting boundaries.

Me and my spouse have been together for 10 years now. We have 4 cats and have lived together for the majority of our relationship. I’m starting to notice that our lifestyles and long term goals are not lining up anymore, along with some things they do that I believe to be on abusive. Abusive or not, we are just not meshing well anymore and I feel like every time I try to bring it up it ends up with them saying I need to try harder. I’m not sure if I can try any harder than I have been. I feel like I’m pushing myself to the limit trying to make them happy. It doesn’t really matter if either of us is at fault it’s just that I don’t think we’re compatible anymore. We’re moving in opposite directions somehow. I think an at minimum temporary separation would benefit both of us.

The main problems about bringing this up are:

•I can’t drive. They drive me places most of the time.

•Separating the cats will be devastating. For both of us and also the cats.

•We live in a very affordable house together, but not if we separate. I’m not sure where either of us will go if we split.

•I don’t think they will respond well to the idea of us splitting. I think they will blow up and not listen. Which may be wrong of me but it’s still how I feel and it’s a big roadblock on approaching the subject.

I’m just not sure what to do right now. I feel like I’m being pushed too far and that they’re not trying, but they feel the same about me. I don’t think either of us are happy right now but we’re too comfortable to face it. We’re both so scared of change. Does anybody have advice on how to navigate this?

TLDR: How do I bring up a separation to my partner of 10 years when we live together, have cats, and I can’t drive?

Hi Reddit! Long time lurker, first time poster to this sub.

Context: My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for almost 1. I adore this man with everything I have and he does the same for me. Truly the best husband a girl could ever ask for! Trustworthy, loving, smart, hilarious, and all around just a good man. Because he's so smart, he's in law school! Woohoo! I'm so proud and happy for him and he is flourishing. Definitely has found his people, as my brain works VERY differently from his, and is loving it. He's always been a very introverted but charming guy and he has some good friends but never anyone that I'd describe as a twin flame or bestie sort of thing.

I am super insecure. Full stop. Just, as a person. I've been cheated on in the past and had a VERY ROUGH upbringing. It's something I've been working on for YEARS in therapy (6 years now) and I've made leaps and bounds of progress but my biggest fear has always been for him to find better and leave me legitimately, then I can't even be mad. He deserves the best and I'm terrified that he'd be better off with someone whose brain works similarly to his. This hasn't ever been something that's been a realistic fear really, and I know it's my own insecurities. He has given me every reassurance in the world and I trust him 100000% + he knows about my current struggles and is being so awesome about them.

Two weeks in, he makes a new friend \[30F\], we'll call her Penny for sinplicity. Cut to him instantly clicking with her and being near inseparable in two months. She is so smart and successful and they spend SO MUCH time together by virtue of their classes, being friends, and being great study partners. She owns a house (in another state) and plans to move back there once school is done. I've met Penny, she's great, I like her a lot and I'm so so happy my husband found such a great friend. I also want to make friends with her and know that she has 0 interest in my husband romantically.

However, now I'm facing the start of every recurring nightmare I've ever had where he leaves me. I know he won't, I know it's my own issues, but he's never clicked with someone like this before, especially another woman. It's terrifying to me. I know he isn't looking but that's not where the fear comes from. It comes from him genuinely deserving the best in life and me being scared he's going to wake up one day and realize someone else would be better for him.

I know it's a me problem and he's been so supportive and open and wonderful about everything, but I don't know how to deal with him being so close with a woman that is the embodiment of all of my worst insecurities. It isn't her fault, it isn't his fault, and I do not want to ruin this friendship for him. He's been more than willing to take a step back and wants to make sure that I'm comfortable but it isn't fair for him to have to do things differently when he isn't doing anything wrong.

So, Reddit, any advice on how I can deal with my own insecurities and get used to this quicker?

TLDR: My wonderful and introverted husband has clicked with a smart lawyer lady that is the embodiment of my worst insecurities and I need help getting TF over it because it is 100% a me problem

It seems like my [36F] partner [38M] cycles their emotions. Some days they are a little more stand offish, not affectionate, short, abrasive. Then it's like a light switch, obsessive, overly affectionate, lovey dovey, gross bullshit (that I fucking love, mind you). This will go on for about 5-10 days and then right back to the beginning of the cycle.

Does anyone else experience this with their partner or themselves even? Is this normal for a long term relationship?

Side note: I am on the AU spectrum so trying to understand how other people function really stresses me out and i truly don't understand. I lack empathy, not for the lack of trying but because I just truly don't have any. I can feel sympathy but empathy is lost on me. My partner and I have been together for almost a decade, so this isn't new to us and this behavior isn't new either.

I'm just trying to understand if it's something I'm doing to make him cycle like this or if this is normal for a long term relationship.

TLDR is it normal for your partner to have cycling affection towards you?

TLDR: I go on our nonrefundable Ireland trip alone, his visa is not back. Would you go alone, or stay and plan something else.

I am in a predicament, my boyfriend (M26) and I (F29) have planned a trip for my 30th birthday, set to leave on Saturday. I have a Canadian passport and he has an Indian passport, so he needed a visa for Ireland, he applied in time basis the embassys timeline. However, he has not received his passport back with a visa and tomorrow is the last day to hear about it.

That being said I am in the predicament of going alone or not going and us doing something in Canada. It’s a predicament because I got us cheap flights as it was just a week, and he did not book the hotel with a refund (lesson learned 🤦🏽‍♀️). So if neither of us go it’s a total of about 3500$ spent. I think he is in the fence about me going without him, he encourages it but also encourages us planning a week long trip in Canada.

I don’t know where I stand on it because I am going through a lot, the day I leave it’s a year since my dad died, then a year since we buried him and my birthday that I wanted to make a big deal out of this year but it was not my idea to be alone.

So I guess what would you do? Would you still go, or should cut your losses and go somewhere closer together. We haven’t travelled much together just road trips (small ones) and India.

i genuinely don’t know what to do or how to feel about this situation and i would really appreciate some outside perspectives. my husband and i have been married for about six months and we’re both 20. when we were dating, he had social media and would post me occasionally, not all the time, but enough that i felt acknowledged. eventually, he decided to delete his social media, including his old posts, and i completely understood that and never had a problem with it.

however, within the last month, he got back on social media and has been posting reels about god and sharing bible verses and quotes that he likes, which i genuinely love because i’m happy to see him expressing his faith. the part that has been bothering me is that he hasn’t posted anything about me or us, other than having a picture of us together as his profile picture.

i’ve brought up multiple times that i would really like him to post me, but every time i mention it, he just doesn’t respond. what hurts is that i have him posted on my instagram, and he gets so happy whenever i post him. i love making him feel loved and appreciated, so i’m happy to do it, but it hurts feeling like something that makes him happy is something he doesn’t seem to care about doing for me.

i don’t want to force my husband to post me, and i don’t want social media to define our marriage. i know being posted isn’t what makes a relationship real, and i know we’re married regardless of what anyone online sees. but to me, it’s not necessarily about the post itself. it’s about feeling acknowledged, appreciated, and loved in a way that i’ve expressed is important to me. what hurts the most isn’t even that he hasn’t posted me, but that when i try to communicate something that matters to me, i feel like i’m being ignored instead of having a conversation about it.

am i being unreasonable for wanting this? should i just let it go, or is it fair for me to feel hurt that my husband seems happy when i publicly acknowledge
TLDR: husband won’t post me knowing it would make me happy but is happy that i post him

I'm 33F and my partner is 29M. We've been in a relationship for 4 years.

My partner is a musician, and he recently met a 31F women who is also a musician. They have already sung a few songs together at a show, and they are considering collaborating more in the future, including performing a duet and rehearsing together.

The problem is that I'm becoming uncomfortable with how close their communication has become.

They text each other every day, and their messages are very long. The conversations aren't only about music or organizing rehearsals. They also talk a lot about their personal lives, where they live, where they come from, their experiences, their musical backgrounds, their respective situations, etc. So they are getting to know each other quite well on a personal level through texting.

These aren't just a few quick texts either. The messages can be very, very long. And this bothers me even more because I know my partner isn't someone who likes texting. Even with his closest friends, he doesn't always like to reply quickly.

Within these conversations, there are also regular "good morning" and "good night, sleep well" messages. To clarify, these aren't separate little messages sent on their own. They are part of the longer conversations I'm talking about. He sometimes replies to her very late at night, sometimes around 3 a.m. (he's a pretty nocturnal person), and tells her good night and to sleep well. And when he replies to her in the morning, he wishes her a good morning and tells her to have a nice wake-up, which I personally find a little intimate.

They aren't constantly texting back and forth all day with a lot of small messages. It's more like one long message during the day, a reply several hours later, then another message the following day. But the conversations are still very regular and very long.

I haven't seen any obvious flirting, hitting on each other, or anything clearly inappropriate. A good part of their conversations is about music, even if there are personal parts as well, and I understand that they need to get to know each other since they are considering working together.

However, the fact that they are getting to know each other this well through texting, with such long conversations, along with the good morning and good night messages, makes me uncomfortable.

They will also spend time alone together, especially for rehearsals and working on their duet. That makes me think about the situation too, considering they've already developed this level of personal communication even though they've only known each other for a relatively short time (3 weeks).

I don't want to assume that a man and a woman can't have a friendship or professional relationship without something romantic going on. I know that two musicians can naturally end up talking a lot when they are interested in collaborating.

I've already talked to my partner about my concerns, and he tells me there is nothing to worry about. But I sometimes feel like it frustrates or annoys him quite quickly when I bring it up. He seems to think that I'm judging him or that I have a negative image of him, when that isn't the case. We've always been comfortable with each other seeing our phones and knowing who we're talking to. He sometimes takes my phone, and I take his, too. But now he makes sure I'm not near his phone. He also told me that he no longer wants me to touch his phone because he doesn't want me to judge him for what he writes to people. Yet, being able to see his messages with this woman would reassure me. It would be a way for me to feel reassured. Just the gesture of letting me look at his phone, even if I don't actually read a single message, would make a difference to me.

I'm not trying to judge him or make him feel like he has to defend himself. I genuinely want to feel reassured, and sometimes I need to be able to talk about something in order to get that reassurance. I would like to be able to have these conversations with gentleness and compassion rather than feeling coldness or irritation. I'm not looking for an argument. I just want to feel heard, understood, and reassured.

My question is, if you were in my position, would you feel uncomfortable or worried about this situation too? Or does this seem like a completely normal dynamic given that they are musicians who are considering collaborating?

TLDR: I'm 33F and have been with my 29M partner for 4 years. He recently met a 31F musician, and they now exchange very long, personal messages almost every day, including good morning/good night messages, and will likely spend time alone rehearsing together. There is no obvious flirting, but the level of personal communication makes me uncomfortable. Would you feel uncomfortable too, or does this seem normal?

My girlfriend is going through a hard time but it's my birthday tomorrow. We’ve been dating for over 4 years & live together almost one year. We're meant to hang out and do stuff all day but I'm worried she won't be up for it and dragging her along will make things harder for her. I don't want to argue. The timing just sucks because I'm not the kind of person to want to spend my birthday alone and it's on a Thursday so everyone is working/at school. My girlfriend just works 4 10's so she has Thursdays off so it worked out. Any advice? 😞

TLDR: Gf & I had plans to spend my birthday together, but she’s having a hard time.

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some perspective from people who have been trailing spouses or moved abroad for a partner’s career.

My French partner and I have been together for 1 year and 7 months now. We are currently living in Australia, but we are planning to relocate to Martinique (French territory) later this year for his job.

To make this move happen, I am giving up my current job and momentum in Australia, leaving behind my financial independence, and moving to a foreign territory where I won't have immediate work rights. Our current plan is for me to enter on a 12-month Visitor Visa (VLS-TS Visiteur), register a PACS (civil partnership) once we arrive, and then apply for a status change (Vie Privée et Familiale) to get work authorization.

Here’s where my anxiety comes in: during the transition period (roughly 4 to 6 months after arriving), I will not be legally allowed to work. I will be completely dependent on him and our relationship holding strong in a brand-new environment.

I feel an overwhelming sense of asymmetrical risk. He gets a guaranteed job, immediate income, and a smooth career transition. I am the one taking on 100% of the vulnerability- quitting my job, giving up my work rights, and moving thousands of miles.

Because of this, I’ve felt increasingly anxious about relying on a PACS rather than marriage. From an immigration perspective, marriage is universally recognized, straightforward, and grants direct legal rights. But more than that, I feel like if I am making the ultimate life sacrifice for his career, I need the ultimate legal security and commitment in return.

He seems apprehensive about marriage, treating a PACS as the "standard" French stepping stone. To him, a PACS feels like a big step. But to me, a PACS leaves me feeling exposed while he stays completely comfortable.

• For anyone who moved abroad for a partner's job: Am I being unreasonable or asking for "too much" by wanting marriage before uprooting my life again?
• How did you handle the period where you couldn't work and were financially dependent?
• For those with French partners: How did you navigate the cultural divide between a PACS vs. Marriage when immigration risks were involved?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or how you navigated this conversation without causing resentment. Thank you!

TLDR: I (27F) am quitting my job and moving from Australia to a French territory for my French partner’s career. I’ll be taking on all the financial/career risk and won't have local work rights for 4–6 months. I feel anxious relying on a PACS (civil partnership) instead of marriage during this dependent period, but my partner thinks a PACS is "enough." Am I asking too much by wanting the legal security of marriage before uprooting my life again?

This is not my first post about roommates, and this isn’t the first variation of this specific post. I decided to revise with more added details so no one has to hunt down my very first post explaining what kind of people my roommates are. I originally thought I have enough information for the issue at hand, but people weren’t giving me advice which is all I’m asking for.

To keep things private once again let’s call my roommates “Regina” (26F) and “Pete” (27M).

Regina in the past had a very intense emotional attachment to Pete that started to come off as obsessive. We all originally viewed it as a crush. Which I suppose is fine on its own, but it got intense FAST. To the point of insulting him to anyone who would listen, claiming he was manipulative and playing with her feelings when he constantly left doors open for communication with her. Anyone who knows Regina knows she twists the truth very often, and has an extensive history of making one person her entire personality to the point of willingly hurting others to achieve whatever relationship she wants with that person. She claims she is trying to get better and not be that kind of person anymore, but still does things like stomping and glaring if anyone spends too much time near her whoever her hyper-fixation is this time. Though the levels of extreme have calmed down since a recent incident where we had to speak to her because she got drunk and threatened us with scissors. We truly try our best with her. Pete set boundaries, listened to her concerns when she brought them to him and honestly did his best to give her the benefit of the doubt even when she was acting entitled to his time/attention.

A few months ago Pete finally started to see just how bad her behavior was, and set firm boundaries between them to be strictly friends so she would stop pushing for more. I was surprised he was able to. If anything I was really proud that he didn’t let Regina steamroll over him needing a change in their dynamic. Pete is a quiet guy, and can be pretty bad with social cues. He tends to stay in his own little bubble, but genuinely tries his best to socialize and be there for others. So it was nice to see him draw that line.

Since the change however, Pete and I have grown closer. Which was a surprise to me because I didn’t like him in the beginning for my own reasons not related to anything in this post. It wasn’t some “Oh, on to the next,” situation. Pete isn’t like that, and neither am I. We just never really got to know each other in the past. Partly because Regina acted like he was her property, or spoke badly of him to me I private often. I just didn’t feel a need to get to know him. Now I don’t think we’ve gone a single day in the past two months without spending time together.

And it is definitely more than just friends.

It’s lingering touches, cuddling, him initiating kisses even though he isn’t the biggest fan of that form of contact with people, and seeking each other out constantly.

I cannot properly explain how we got this way. But I do know that without even speaking about it we absolutely hide it from Regina. She knows we get along better. That’s fine. However, there is no way we have let how we’ve been feeling slip in front of her. Whether it’s strictly because of her past actions, or us sparing her feelings I am really unsure.

What I do know is that the way I feel about Pete is getting deeper than just something casual. Whether I’m completely falling for him in a romantic sense, I don’t know. I know it sounds that way, but I don’t want to add weight to something if he isn’t feeling that intensely. I know he loves me in a platonic way, a spiritual way, and what not. We’ve talked about it. We aren’t on different pages. Pete wants good things for me, and cares about my happiness so I don’t really need it to be romantic. But I don’t want to hide it anymore because we are all adults, and it feels far too high-school to be in this situation.

I want to be able to hug him in the kitchen without the fear of someone freaking out. I want to be able to hold his hand in the car during household outings, and I definitely want to just talk about our days in a common room without a loud scoff echoing around the corner.

I want to be the person who rips the bandaid off, and tells Regina that we are something even if I don’t know what it is. That we have minded her feelings for a long time now, but her feelings aren’t our responsibility. I’m not saying I want to rub anything in her face. I’m not an AH. I just want organic interactions to be able to happen without jumping in fear like two kids in trouble.

And I want it to be solely me telling her because in the grand scheme of things:

1. I’ve known her longer
2. If she lashes out I know I can handle it
3. They never EVER dated, and he really does not owe her anything
4. Last time we both spoke to her about something she refused to acknowledge us both. She wouldn’t even look at him.
5. Regina has hurt me several times over for years, and I always forgive her. I try my best to help her, and I have no intention to hurt her. Life isn’t the Regina Show.

TLDR; My roommate Regina has a lingering unhealthy attachment to my other roommate Pete who I recently have grown really close to. Our relationship has become romantic adjacent, and we are currently hiding it from Regina. But don’t want to anymore.

How do I tell her?

I [32F] think I’m refusing to believe what my [30M] best friend (?) has been trying to tell me. We have been best friends for years, we are exclusive, and he has told me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We live in different countries.

He has told me that maybe this relationship is more important to me than it is to him, and another time that he does not want a relationship, and that he is never getting married. His mom is also everything to him. He has made it very clear how central she is in his life, and I think I kept telling myself there would still be enough room for me somewhere. He also has high-functioning depression, and I know that affects his energy, motivation, and how much he can give sometimes. I try to be understanding of that because I know he is not always operating from the same emotional place.

I visited him earlier this year, and honestly I felt awful during part of that trip. I had gone there thinking we would spend a lot of time together, but he was working and we basically only had the weekend together. He'd told me he had days off but was just working from home. I felt neglected and disappointed because what I had imagined the visit would be and what it actually was were very different. I do enjoy spending time on my own and doing things alone, but I wanted to spend time with him. We ended up having a really deep conversation on my last day because we needed to.

Now we are talking about me visiting again. This time I have tried to be much more realistic. I am not asking him to come to me, and I am not asking him to take two weeks off. I said I can go to him, do my own thing during the day, and see him after work.

Another thing that bothers me is that travelling is actually easier for him than it is for me, but I am still the one offering to make the trip. I am the one dealing with flights, visas, planning, money, and fitting everything around my life, and I am still saying I can come to him and work around his schedule. I think that is part of why I am so tired. I keep making the harder part mine.

His answer was basically that if I am okay with his work schedule, then I can come because he now works every day.

I think what is bothering me most is that I keep trying to solve every obstacle. Every time something comes up, my brain immediately goes to, okay, how do I make this easier? What can I change? What can I do?

He has said before that we can see each other during vacations, but realistically I know he is not going to take even one week off specifically for me. And after already visiting once, I am starting to wonder why I am preparing myself to repeat the same situation, except this time I am expecting less and trying even harder to make it easy for him.

The confusing part is that he is not cold with me. He can be very loving, he checks on me, he says things that make me feel important to him, and there are moments when I feel very close to him. He has told me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I think every time he showed me love, I used that to argue against the things he was clearly telling me.

Now I am wondering if I have just been refusing to listen.

TLDR: Have I been so focused on understanding him and being kind to him that I have become a monster to myself?

Hi guys, I basically need to know if im insane/what to do? My boyfriend 19M and I 18F have been together about half a year. We are medium distance and see eachother every few weekends. Every time we speak however, it ends up in an argument. It gets to where we try to work it out and he essentially says that I have weird boundaries that I expect him to follow, yet I do not follow them myself. I would understand this being a point of contention, however I honestly do not see it. I feel as though I try to be as understanding and patient as possible (we both have very busy schedules) and it feels like he does not see that and starts nitpicking everything I do.
Some examples of these would be:
•Some friends and I went to a mutual (male) friends house to visit his dog. Boyfriend got upset that I didn’t tell him early enough, I told him as we were leaving to go there
•I want him to meet my friends Significant other, who has differing views from ours (we go to dinner with his friends often)
So anyway, please let me know if I am immature, or lack accountability, or just general advice. Thank you!
TLDR: Boyfriend and I argue constantly, and disagree on the reasoning.

For context: I (26F) and partner (28M) have been dating for a year and change. We met through mutual friends. 

Before we started dating I was aware of his situation: his parents had basically uprooted his life when he was a teenager and moved the family from a major city to the countryside, essentially de-enrolling him from his final year of HS and not being supportive enough in him continuing his education in the new area, therefore he never properly finished school. Since he was a city kid, he also did not possess a  drivers license or car, making transportation in the countryside pretty impossible. The primary aspect of moving was to be closer to family, and I think for a while his parents dragged him around to take care of their old relatives until they all eventually died, with the last one passing in 2025. 

When we started dating I was concerned about his lack of job (he has never had one), schooling (GED + college), and transportation method. However he had just finished up driving lessons, and relatively quickly purchased a good used car. Around the 6 month mark I asked him when he was gonna figure out job and school, he did not even know what he wanted to study, and due to his parents negligence/ homeschooling had not properly obtained a GED and needed to test out of that before anything else. We had a bit of an argument about it, which resulted in him finally purchasing a GED book, and working out somewhat of a plan to take/ pass the GED and apply to colleges this year. While he has made some good progress preparing for the GED, he has failed to actually tackle his harder subject areas and set up a test date, mind you he has nothing but free time to do this. When I bring this up he will say things like “well it was the holidays” or “well this was a busy month” etc etc. I am getting sick of hearing excuses, and ive noticed he has a tendency to be bad at multitasking and managing the events and daily tasks that life throws at you. But he is unemployed and basically just sits home all day, so the "busy" feels like a poor reason. And it feels like I’m looking at a deeper anxiety issue than I can tackle as a partner, he needs to make serious improvements himself.

I am not saying that he needs to be on tech finance bro level of efficiency..im just asking for a little headway. I myself am definitely a busy bee, a graduate student yet still manage to find the time in my day to take care of myself, relax, and tackle small everyday tasks. I know he has made good headway in terms of getting a car and developing (somewhat) of a plan, and ultimately I knew what his situation was when I got myself into a relationship with him.

For those that may be wondering about the logistics of this relationship, I do really love him and think he is one of the kindest people on this earth. He has been nothing but supportive of my endeavors, listened to me through my most anxious and depressed moments (there can be a lot of them), and been overall a wonderful and loving partner. I have no doubt that he would stick by my side through disaster. He is also very interesting and incredibly smart and funny, I feel very welcome in his family and home, and enjoy spending time sitting quietly or talking, cooking etc. And from my personal perspective, I have dated a lot of assholes, some with big ticket jobs and degrees, and I realized that success does not equate a kind and understanding partner. So I would rather date someone kind and loving, over someone successful yet mean or inattentive. 

Im not sure where to go from here in the relationship, and I feel like if I haven’t seen change by now I doubt I will in the next year or two or three. Please help?

TLDR: BF has no sense of purpose, had never had a job, had no GED, and is living aimlessly while being supported by his parents. I dont want a partner whose burden I have to carry yet I do love him very much

My girlfriend and I have been friends since high school. We both are going to the same college and were sophomores now. During freshmen year we got closer and I ended up joining her friend group of just girls (they all like me it wasn’t forced or anything), they would always like to go out to the clubs on Thursday nights to dance and find guys and I was always invited.

My girlfriend and I began dating at the end of our freshman year so when we started dating it became summer. Once school started back up and we were back on campus, the group started to want to go out again, so did I with my girlfriend. However, for some reason, now it seems like rather than me being automatically invited on the base of being their friend, it’s always a discussion or a situation in which my girlfriend has to ask for permission for me to go because for some reason it’s always a “girls night” now. My girlfriend is uncomfortable about this because she doesn’t want to go out to the club without me especially being intoxicated and surrounded by random drunk guys but also doesn’t want to seem “annoying” by asking to bring her boyfriend to these girls nights however the only girls nights are these club nights going out and drinking, all the other girls in the friend group only go out to hookup with guys which leaves my girlfriend alone (which happened one time and that’s why she’s now uncomfortable going without me). I understand my girlfriend not wanting to be annoying but how should this situation be solved? She and I are both on the same page about everything, feel free to ask questions

TLDR: girlfriends friends want to have girls nights doing things my girlfriend is uncomfortable doing without me

I, [21F] and my boyfriend, [21M] have been together for a year now.

A couple of weeks ago, he suggested that I start working out with him, and that he opted not to go to a gym so we could go to a park and workout together. I'm not really a person who works out or is into fitness a lot, but I didn't think it was a bad idea because I would get to spend time with him as well and it could be fun.

We were just discussing it and he suddenly says "I want a partner who works out and is into fitness". This was the first time I'd heard him say something like that, in the past one year he had not once mentioned something about him wanting an active partner.

I just sort of paused and told him that if he wanted someone like that, he should've decided that a year ago before dating me and if he wanted one still, he was free to find someone like that. He got pissed at me and told me I take things very negatively and no part of what he said suggests that he wants another partner, and that I should know him well enough by now. I tried explaining to him that it's not what he said, it's how he said it. I was really open to the idea of working out together with him and had no problem whatsoever, in fact I was looking forward to it. But what he said kind of hurt me, and I did try explaining it to him, but he kept telling me that I take things way too negatively and something he never meant to come across like that is taken in such a bad way. He also said that even if he wants a partner who is into fitness, getting into fitness isn't a bad thing in itself and would only benefit me. However, the way he communicated this made me feel like he was pointing out something about me that he wasn't satisfied with, rather than simply encouraging me to try something new.

I'm just seeking some advice, what would you feel or do if you were in a similar situation? Because I feel his side is valid but at the same time I can't decide if mine is as well.

TLDR: My (21F) boyfriend (21M) and I have been together for a year. He suggested we start working out together, which I was happy about, but then he said he wants a partner who works out and is into fitness. This hurt me because he'd never mentioned it before, and I told him he should've considered that before dating me. He got upset and said I was taking his words too negatively, insisting he didn't mean it that way.

so my girlfriend (28F) and me (25M) have been struggling recently. we’ve been together for about 6 years now and throughout that time we’ve had as much trouble as any other relationship. but since we’ve moved in together ive become somewhat lazy in doing the basic household chores, cleaning, paying bills, staying on top of important dates and when one of us will be out of town. we haven’t really had a spark in our relationship for a while and im starting to think it’s because of me not taking care of these things. but to be honest i havent really felt any motivation drive or anything. how do i reignite the spark and find the motivation to do something ?

TLDR: i have not motivation and am trying to rekindle the flame in my relationship

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year. He moved in with me right before our one year anniversary. This is my first real relationship I have only ever had one bf in high school for 3months. I don’t know how to navigate a relationship and my mental health. Yes I know we moved fast for my first relationship and that it wasn’t the smartest decision but it’s the one I made and I want to try my best to work through it.

Recently I’ve been really struggling with my anxiety and have been having anxiety attacks very frequently and I often struggle to know what I’m anxious about or how to even verbalize what I’m thinking. My boyfriend has been so supportive this whole relationship and has always tried to help me work through things but my attacks have been getting more frequent. He’s getting frustrated because he doesn’t know what to do and wants to help. I’ve been ruining everything we do, all our trips we’ve gone on I’ve had a big break downs and I’ve had a few breakdowns after sex. I feel awful I know it’s hurting him and making him anxious, stressed, and frustrated. But how do I handle my anxiety? I’m anxious about school, finances, my relationship, social outings, it never stops and I’m putting so much stress on my partner.

We had a very productive conversation last night where he told me how it’s been affecting him which was very eye opening but he said he hates when I cry cuz he feels like he can’t do anything and all he wants to do is fix it. I tried telling him he doesn’t have to fix anything but he says he can’t help but want to try and he’s feeling frustrated because I’m so unhappy. I told him I was sorry and that I wasn’t unhappy and that I was going to work on it but I don’t know how. I don’t know how I can ever cry to him again all I’m going to think about is how damaging it is but then thinking about how I’ve hurt him and that I might lose him makes me cry and panic even more I’m stuck in this cycle. I need help I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and I feel sick thinking about how I’ve been treating him and not thinking about his feelings and how I’ve been affecting him.

TLDR- Ive been having anxiety attacks and breakdowns very frequently and it’s making my bf frustrated and anxious.

My [27F] boyfriend [30M] and I have been together a little over 1.5 years. He’s warm and affectionate, incredibly intelligent and funny, and has been my best friend. I really thought we'd get married and build a family together, but trust has broken down and I think we’re stuck in a loop: When I feel doubts, I ask questions and look for reassurance. He feels judged and pulls back, and I end up feeling more anxious.

Some examples:

\\- One night his Instagram location showed him about a mile from home late at night in a cemetery while he said he was asleep, and his phone showed him active on WhatsApp a little bit later. He says the location was a glitch.

\\- He called a woman from college a “buddy” and said they'd had a brief mutual crush when they met that fizzled out, but he's liked her posts for years. Then I found old notes of his where he wrote that he was deeply attracted to and obsessed with her, and that she was his "future." They've been texting on and off for a decade+, about once a year, and he even watched the T.V. show she was on last year. When I asked him directly, he told me he had no lingering feelings for her.

\\- He bought a ring for me in May and said he’d propose soon. I expected it on a June trip; afterward he said 2027 and that he’d never planned that trip. We agreed on a fall road trip instead when he realized how much the changed timeline hurt me. He later privately decided not to do so on the road trip either because our couples therapy/pre-marital counseling was apparently not going well.

\\- After the June trip, I found that a previously unopened box of condoms in his drawer had been opened, and a few were on top of his socks. None were missing, and we’re waiting for marriage for intercourse. He said he’d brought them with us on the trip in case I changed my mind.

\\- In one of our last couples therapy sessions, I learned about $40k in credit card debt (plus student loans). He said beyond the emotional and relational benefit, sharing costs was one benefit of living together. I earn more, and it felt transactional, especially because he's joked about me being a "breadwinner" before, and he'd never told me the extent of his debt. We had a few tense calls/arguments afterward where I brought up this fear and my conclusions. He’s since said that money isn’t why he’s with me, and that he feels hurt by my assumptions about his motivations.

On my end, I have anxiety and likely PMDD, and I’m in therapy and on a treatment plan to fix this. I'm not proud of this at all, but when things felt uncertain in the past, I checked his location, his social media, and things at his place, and some of my questions became conclusions about his character. He’s said that left him feeling mistrusted, worn down, and mildly depressed.

We've currently stopped couples therapy. He’s in individual therapy twice a week, and I just found out that he's been using that space to decide if a happy and healthy future with me is possible. He sent me an email a few days ago saying he’s unsure he can give me the future and certainty I want, and that he's having a hard time balancing his career with our relationship. Distance is also an issue: he now says he wants to stay near his parents and high school friends for emotional support. I've told him I'm willing to move an hour away from my family/office.

We talked on the phone later and he told me that for a long time, he'd really wanted a future with me. Lately though, the conflict has strained him to a point where he feels uncertain about us. His therapist had him come up with a list of traits for his "ideal partner." The list is as follows:

\\- Implicit trust
\\- Charitability (assuming the best of him)
\\- Softness (looking at him with "affection and adoration”, giving him “praise") ((He’s said multiple times that I have RBF with him and his friends and that I’m not integrating with the group as easily as his friends’ partners have))
\\- Competency (not wanting to handhold a partner and guide them)
\\- Cleverness/Humor
\\- Kindness, but not necessarily niceness

I got the sense that he meant I fit some of these--and others, like the first three, I don't.

We're both still technically "together" and not seeing anyone else, but I've never felt more lost. Has anyone gotten out of this cycle? What helped, and how do you know when it can’t be fixed?

——

TLDR: Stalled engagement, late debt disclosure, and confusing incidents broke my trust. My anxiety turned into checking; now he's withdrawn and is considering ending things. Has anyone gotten out of this cycle? What helped, and how do you know when it can’t be fixed?

Two and a half weeks ago I [36M] met a woman [35F] through Hinge; let’s call her Linda. We hit it off right away, and our second date lasted almost 24 hours (going back to her place). We met several times since then, and this last weekend she stayed over at my place.

The intimacy has developed fast, from just sex to holding hands while walking on the street, cuddling, deep and personal conversations, and really getting to know each other more.

Yesterday, when agreeing to meet again at her place on Friday, I mentioned that I’d cancel another date (supposed to have been the 2nd one) with another woman that evening, to spend time with Linda. I asked her if she was seeing anyone else. She was, she said: there’s another guy she’s spending time with.

I realized that I’m genuinely starting to like her and that, while I’m not looking to put a label on our connection, I’d like to focus on her exclusively for now to simply explore what’s going on between us. I noticed that I feel slightly uncomfortable with the fact that she doesn’t reciprocate that sentiment.

I’m trying to figure out for myself whether this is a dealbreaker or not. The time we spent felt extremely intimate and it feels strange to “share” that. To be clear: I don’t judge her for this, I know it’s very normal nowadays to date in this manner, and for context she got out of a 12-year relationship only six months ago. She said on her profile that she was looking for something long-lasting, but when talking with her she didn’t seem so sure. I’m not sure if I’m ready for something serious either, but the non-exclusivity apparently bothers me.

How would you recommend me to deal with this? Step back? Be patient? Talk about it more?

TLDR: I prefer to date a woman I just met exclusively, while she doesn’t seem to need that. Should I be patient or indicate my needs and be willing to end this connection if she prefers to keep it more open for now?

I am a \[28M\] guy living in a 3bhk in banglore. I share this apt with my brother\[31M\] and his girlfriend\[28F\]. They sometimes live here and sometimes at the girl’s apt.
I have been dating this girl \[27F\]for 6 months now and we have been living together. Both of us are working professionals.
Lately I’ve been in a suffocating situation where my girl has started to have serious problems with my brother’s girl (she doesnt event know that my g has a problem with her).
My g says that she hates her coz of the way she speaks and calls her hypocrite (coz she claims to be feminist but she once was hanging out with a group in which one person was a molester- common friends problem)
I have seen this behaviour of hers with my friends also. She HATES some of them because of their social leaning or just because they are a little childish sometimes (maybe they come from some privileged bg and did not suffer enough to be as strong valued and matured as her)
I tell her that if you have problems with people, we should work to fix it. By talking. they are important in my life, maybe have a conversation and give them a chance. But she always rejects this idea and says she will stay away only.

This is spoiling literally all my friendships coz i dont feel like leaving her behind and go chill with them (although she never stopped me. I just dont feel like)

Im now scared that she will continue judging and blocking people later as well. Could be my parents also later.

Today we had an argument about all this coz I was cleaning the house (preparing for my parents visit- 1st time in 5 years they are coming); me, my brother and his g were cleaning and she just came inside the room and started smoking and watching series. When i asked for help, she said she cannot be in the same room as the other girl in the house and i should respect her decision.

Idk what to do… im kind of getting worried about my future. Is it only me or do men in general think about their friends and family while in a relationship? Or should i just be focused on her?

TLDR
Should I end this?

A few years ago, early in our relationship, I was not the most loving boyfriend, which was all she wanted from me. Her mother had passed away a few years prior, and she was essentially looking for support and love—love that I failed to give because I didn't know how to handle her emotions. I was emotionally unavailable.

A few years later, she decided to leave, something I genuinely thought she would never do. It was a massive wakeup call. I promised her I would change, and I did. Over the last year and a half, I became a much more loving partner and worked on the things she had asked of me. I did it because my love for her is immense. I grew up and learned to communicate better, especially since I had built up resentment toward her, which I have since let go.

Fast forward six months after the split, and we got engaged. Things have been wonderful; we still have arguments, but they are much healthier and more civilized.

Fast forward to the present. She recently told me that she is still harboring resentment over how I treated her in the past, and that the engagement felt like a 'band-aid.' I know she still loves me, just as I love her, and I want to do whatever it takes to help heal this. I’ve even considered that moving out temporarily might be a good move, as it's difficult to move past resentment when you're living together every day.

What should I do?

Any and all advice is accepted.

TLDR: My girlfriend still hold resentment for things I've done in the past. How do I navigate this going forward?

I bought these comfy cotton briefs. My boyfriend made a comment this morning about my underwear not being sexy. It's fine they're not, it just makes me mad because whenever I have something I want to say appearance wise im so nice about it, I never just come right out and say oh this thing is gross you should change it. I just want to go through every thing I've been nice about and be blunt about what I don't think is sexy and hurt him back. He has already apologized for making a stupid comment. Do I assume this was a dumb comment and not a red flag? How do I get over this comment and my anger at him over it? Any tips on stopping myself from being mean and blunt about his appearance going forward?

TLDR: partner made dumb comment, I never comment on appearance but now want to start, what do I do?

TLDR - Dads wife hates me and I’ve agreed to have them over tomorrow:

I’m \[48F\] and would really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m feeling hurt and conflicted.
My Dad who is \[75M\] has a wife 75F wiho has disliked me for 40 years since we met after she had already married my Das when I was 9 or 10, or at least treated me as though she does, since she met me when I was around 10 years old. I remember her speaking to me unkindly as a child. She’s always been cold towards me, and whenever I’ve tried to say hello with a hug she freezes up, it’s so awkward, she’s made me feel as though I’m an inconvenience and she’d rather I wasn’t there.
My dad and she live abroad. I hardly saw him growing up, just once or twice a year until a teenager and not much into adulthood. Four years ago, I took my sons to visit them for the first time in years. My dad collected us from the airport, and when we arrived at their house, his wife came to open the gate and then just walked off without saying hello or welcoming us. I actually had to follow her to say hello, and she responded in the same cold, hostile way she always has.
It made me realise that this isn’t just me imagining things or being oversensitive. This has been a pattern for nearly 40 years.
Today, I went to a family day with my boyfriend and sons. My dad and his wife were there, along with other family members. They had never met my partner of 3 years. As soon as we arrived, she saw us but made absolutely no effort to speak to us. Usually, I would have gone over to her and made the effort to say hello, despite knowing how uncomfortable it would make me feel. This time, I didn’t.
She didn’t speak to me, my boyfriend, either of my sons all day. She has always been like this.
I think something has finally shifted in me. I’ve spent decades trying to be nice to someone who was the adult when I was a child and who, in my opinion, should have made some effort to build a relationship with her husband’s child.
The problem is that, earlier in the day, I’d agreed that my dad could come to my house tomorrow afternoon. In the moment, I agreed without really thinking about how uncomfortable I feel around his wife. Now I’m home, I’m dreading the visit and really don’t want her in my house.
On the drive home, I was explaining all of this to my boyfriend. He witnessed her ignoring us all day and knows the history. Instead of acknowledging how hurtful it was or supporting me, he said, “At least they’re making the effort to drive to your house.”
I felt really hurt by that. It felt as though he was suggesting that I was being unkind and ungrateful, when I’ve spent years making the effort and feeling rejected in return.
What would you do?

So me and my girlfriend are long distance, sweden and USA, but we see eachother pretty often, i was just in the US for 3 months, and when i was there, i think just a few days into me being there, we were watching this show called 11.22.63, because its one of my favourite shows ever so i recommended it.

So we are watching it, like halfway through it, the girlfriend of the main character person gets injured in a fight and has like a huge scar on her face, and then she goes to get plastic surgery for it.

Then the cool older smooth-talking character comes in once they had found the plastic surgeons that could operate on her face, and he says something like ''Hey Sadie, lets get you to them doctors, i heard they wanna see what a true beauty looks like''.

And i thought it was just a really clever and smooth line to say, so i just said ''Indeed'', not to the true beauty part, just because i thought it was a sick line, like oh, plastic surgeons, their work is about ''beauty'', so the line makes sense. And ''Indeed'' is just something i say sometimes after things too if that matters.

And immediately she storms out of the room saying that im disgusting and all this, that i need to look for a flight home, that she doesn't know what to do with me now, and that she doesnt wanna be in a relationship with me, etc. I ofcourse explained myself immediately, but she wouldn't buy it, and still doesnt, even though this was now 7 months ago.

After maybe 2 weeks, she was calm and ok again, but then at random, she'd just think about it again, and get re-upset, and it went on and on like that.

And this is something she spent what felt like half of our entire time together being upset about, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable and like a terrible boyfriend. And looking back on it, it makes me a little angry that we had 3 months together and she decided to be so upset over this, i understand her interpretation, but i immediately explained myself and stuck by my explanation, i dont know what else i can do? And this isnt something i have ever done either, i never talk about other girls looks at all, so it doesnt even make sense for me to randomly do it here, but she calls it a ''slip up''.

It just sucks knowing that any random day, she can look back on this, get upset, and thats now gonna be her mood for the next handful of days.

TLDR: Girlfriend thinks i complimented a girl on a TV show by saying ''indeed'' to a comment about her being a true beauty, but i was really just complimenting the smooth line that the character said.