HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: THE ALTERNATE ENDING
SCENE 1: THE GREAT HALL - DAWN
The air is thick with dust and static magic. The ruins of the Great Hall are silent. VOLDEMORT stands at the epicentre, surrounded by a tense circle of Death Eaters and bruised, defiant Hogwarts defenders. Across from him stands HARRY POTTER, eyes locked onto his enemy.
VOLDEMORT
(Voice echoing, cold, triumphant)
"It is over, Harry Potter. The boy who lived has run out of miracles. Look upon the weapon of your undoing—the Deathstick, the Wand of Destiny! Stolen from your precious Dumbledore’s cold fingers!"
He raises the magnificent, notched Elder Wand high above his head. The Dark Lord inhales deeply, channeling every ounce of his hatred into the final strike.
VOLDEMORT
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
A blinding flash illuminates the hall. But there is no green light. Instead, a loud, high-pitched SQUEAK echoes through the stone walls. From the tip of the wand, a tiny, bright pink flag pops out. It unrolls to reveal bold, gold lettering: "PRODUCT OF WEASLEYS' WIZARD WHEEZES — MADE YOU LOOK!"
Simultaneously, a high-pressure nozzle inside the transfigured trick wand ruptures. A massive, violent jet of thick, steaming, foul-smelling yellow custard blasts directly into Voldemort’s face. The Dark Lord stumbles backward, completely blinded, spitting thick vanilla pudding from his snake-like slits of eyes.
VOLDEMORT
(Gargling, spitting, furious)
"What—what is this sorcery?! CRUCIO! AVADA KEDAVRA!"
He frantically waves the wand. Because he is aggressively trying to bypass the safety limits on a dark spell, the wand's internal transfiguration matrix triggers a high-level Emergency Retaliation Charm. A massive cloud of bright pink smoke erupts around Voldemort. Inside the smoke, there is a loud, comical POP, followed by a tiny, panicked "Meow."
The smoke clears. Standing in a heap of the oversized black cloak is a tiny, hairless Sphynx cat, completely drenched in yellow custard, shivering violently.
VOLDY-CAT
(High-pitched, furious)
"MEOW!! MEOWWW!!"
The Great Hall goes dead silent. LUCIUS MALFOY looks at AVERY, then down at the sticky, pudding-covered feline.
LUCIUS MALFOY
(Whispering, voice cracking)
"We... we skipped family dinners for this?"
HARRY
(Stepping forward, smiling calmly)
"You never had its allegiance, Tom. Because Albus Dumbledore knew you’d look for power... but you'd completely ignore a good joke."
Harry casts a gentle Expelliarmus. The trick wand flies through the air, and Harry catches it effortlessly, tossing it to a beaming FRED and GEORGE WEASLEY in the crowd. Harry walks over and picks up the scruffy, angry Voldy-cat by the back of its neck. The cat's tiny legs flail wildly, dripping custard. Harry turns to the circle of stunned Death Eaters.
HARRY
"Lads, a bit of help here? He’s making a right mess of the floor."
Eager to please the winning side and run away from the embarrassment, five burly DEATH EATERS instantly step forward. They form a rapid bucket-brigade line alongside Harry, stretching all the way from the center of the Great Hall, out the shattered oak doors, and right down to the edge of the Black Lake.
Harry tosses the hissing Voldy-cat to the first Death Eater.
DEATH EATER #1
"Pass it on! Pass it on! It's sticky!"
They rapidly hand the flailing Dark Lord down the line like a hot potato. With one final, synchronized heave at the bank of the lake, they launch the hairless Voldy-cat high into the air.
SPLASH!
The Dark Lord lands dead-center in the freezing waters. A second later, the giant tentacles of the Giant Squid casually break the surface, pick up the custard-covered cat, and dunk it right back under to wash it off. The remaining Death Eaters aggressively dust off their hands, turn to Harry, and drop their wands in total surrender. The war is over.
**\*
SCENE 2: THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM - THREE HOURS LATER
HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE sit by the roaring fire, nursing large mugs of hot butterbeer. Across from them sit FRED and GEORGE, completely covered in soot and tiny bits of confetti, looking thoroughly pleased with themselves. FRED is twirling a normal-looking wooden stick between his fingers.
HARRY
(Shaking his head, laughing)
"I still don't believe it. How did you two actually pull this off without the entire Order finding out?"
FRED
"Well, Harry, mate, it all started about a week before the Astronomy Tower. Old Dumbledore strolls into our shop in Diagon Alley. He walks right up to the counter, looks me dead in the eye, and says..."
FRED
(Imitating Dumbledore's serene whisper)
"’Mr. Weasley, I find myself in need of a profound favor. Would you be so kind as to point your wand at me and loudly state 'Expelliarmus'?’"
HERMIONE
(Gasping, dropping her butterbeer)
"He asked you to disarm him?! On purpose?!"
FRED
"Exactly! I pulled out my wand and blasted his wand right into a bin of Skiving Snackboxes. Just like that, the true allegiance of the real Elder Wand shifted to me. I've been the Master of the Deathstick for an entire year!"
GEORGE
"Then Dumbledore pulls out a standard, top-of-the-line Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes Deluxe Trick Wand from his pocket. He casts a brilliant Transfiguration charm on it so it looks exactly like the Elder Wand. He tells us he’s putting the fake one back in his pocket for a 'rainy day' with Malfoy."
HERMIONE
"But wait a minute! If Voldemort had a fake joke-shop wand the entire time... how did he cast the Killing Curse on you in the Forbidden Forest? You still went to King's Cross station!"
GEORGE
"Ah! You see, Hermione, you are underestimating the craftsmanship of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. Our Deluxe Trick Wands are embedded with a strict Magical Data Plan."
FRED
"Right. We designed them so they mimic real, high-level spells for a limited number of charges. It’s like a free trial! It lets the buyer trick their friends into thinking they’ve got a real wand before the gag drops. Here is how Voldemort unknowingly burned through his subscription plan:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SPELL TYPE | ENCODED LIMIT | HOW VOLDEMORT WASTED THE CHARGES
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crucio | 10 Charges | Spamming it on random Death Eaters at meetings.
Imperio | 10 Charges | Keeping Ministry officials under his thumb.
Fiendfyre / Dark | 10 Charges | Blasting through Hogwarts protective shields.
Avada Kedavra | 3 Charges | Capped at 3 for strict Ministry legal liability.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GEORGE
"He used Cast #1 to kill Charity Burbage at Malfoy Manor. He used Cast #2 during the sky battle. And he used Cast #3—the very last real charge in the wand—on you, Harry, in the forest. Which is why you survived!"
FRED
(Grinning, leaning forward)
"Which means, when he marched into the Great Hall to fight you for the final time... the free trial had officially expired. The wand locked down its core and defaulted directly into Prank Mode: Vanilla Custard Emergency Protocol."
RON
(Mouth wide open, staring at his brothers)
"You literally defeated the most dangerous dark wizard of all time... with a bad subscription plan."
FRED
(Winking, tossing the real Elder Wand—disguised inside a bright pink plastic tube—up and catching it)
"And when that wall collapsed outside the Room of Requirement tonight? The real wand felt the danger to its master and blew the stone wall right away from me and Percy. Alive, well, and ready for business."
GEORGE
(Raising his mug)
"To Albus Dumbledore. A man who truly appreciated a proper execution of a gag."
FRED
"And to the Dark Lord. May he rest in pudding."
HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: THE ALTERNATE ENDING
SCENE 1: THE GREAT HALL - DAWN
The air is thick with dust and static magic. The ruins of the Great Hall are silent. VOLDEMORT stands at the epicentre, surrounded by a tense circle of Death Eaters and bruised, defiant Hogwarts defenders. Across from him stands HARRY POTTER, eyes locked onto his enemy.
VOLDEMORT
(Voice echoing, cold, triumphant)
"It is over, Harry Potter. The boy who lived has run out of miracles. Look upon the weapon of your undoing—the Deathstick, the Wand of Destiny! Stolen from your precious Dumbledore’s cold fingers!"
He raises the magnificent, notched Elder Wand high above his head. The Dark Lord inhales deeply, channeling every ounce of his hatred into the final strike.
VOLDEMORT
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
A blinding flash illuminates the hall. But there is no green light. Instead, a loud, high-pitched SQUEAK echoes through the stone walls. From the tip of the wand, a tiny, bright pink flag pops out. It unrolls to reveal bold, gold lettering: "PRODUCT OF WEASLEYS' WIZARD WHEEZES — MADE YOU LOOK!"
Simultaneously, a high-pressure nozzle inside the transfigured trick wand ruptures. A massive, violent jet of thick, steaming, foul-smelling yellow custard blasts directly into Voldemort’s face. The Dark Lord stumbles backward, completely blinded, spitting thick vanilla pudding from his snake-like slits of eyes.
VOLDEMORT
(Gargling, spitting, furious)
"What—what is this sorcery?! CRUCIO! AVADA KEDAVRA!"
He frantically waves the wand. Because he is aggressively trying to bypass the safety limits on a dark spell, the wand's internal transfiguration matrix triggers a high-level Emergency Retaliation Charm. A massive cloud of bright pink smoke erupts around Voldemort. Inside the smoke, there is a loud, comical POP, followed by a tiny, panicked "Meow."
The smoke clears. Standing in a heap of the oversized black cloak is a tiny, hairless Sphynx cat, completely drenched in yellow custard, shivering violently.
VOLDY-CAT
(High-pitched, furious)
"MEOW!! MEOWWW!!"
The Great Hall goes dead silent. LUCIUS MALFOY looks at AVERY, then down at the sticky, pudding-covered feline.
LUCIUS MALFOY
(Whispering, voice cracking)
"We... we skipped family dinners for this?"
HARRY
(Stepping forward, smiling calmly)
"You never had its allegiance, Tom. Because Albus Dumbledore knew you’d look for power... but you'd completely ignore a good joke."
Harry casts a gentle Expelliarmus. The trick wand flies through the air, and Harry catches it effortlessly, tossing it to a beaming FRED and GEORGE WEASLEY in the crowd. Harry walks over and picks up the scruffy, angry Voldy-cat by the back of its neck. The cat's tiny legs flail wildly, dripping custard. Harry turns to the circle of stunned Death Eaters.
HARRY
"Lads, a bit of help here? He’s making a right mess of the floor."
Eager to please the winning side and run away from the embarrassment, five burly DEATH EATERS instantly step forward. They form a rapid bucket-brigade line alongside Harry, stretching all the way from the center of the Great Hall, out the shattered oak doors, and right down to the edge of the Black Lake.
Harry tosses the hissing Voldy-cat to the first Death Eater.
DEATH EATER #1
"Pass it on! Pass it on! It's sticky!"
They rapidly hand the flailing Dark Lord down the line like a hot potato. With one final, synchronized heave at the bank of the lake, they launch the hairless Voldy-cat high into the air.
SPLASH!
The Dark Lord lands dead-center in the freezing waters. A second later, the giant tentacles of the Giant Squid casually break the surface, pick up the custard-covered cat, and dunk it right back under to wash it off. The remaining Death Eaters aggressively dust off their hands, turn to Harry, and drop their wands in total surrender. The war is over.
**\*
SCENE 2: THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM - THREE HOURS LATER
HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE sit by the roaring fire, nursing large mugs of hot butterbeer. Across from them sit FRED and GEORGE, completely covered in soot and tiny bits of confetti, looking thoroughly pleased with themselves. FRED is twirling a normal-looking wooden stick between his fingers.
HARRY
(Shaking his head, laughing)
"I still don't believe it. How did you two actually pull this off without the entire Order finding out?"
FRED
"Well, Harry, mate, it all started about a week before the Astronomy Tower. Old Dumbledore strolls into our shop in Diagon Alley. He walks right up to the counter, looks me dead in the eye, and says..."
FRED
(Imitating Dumbledore's serene whisper)
"’Mr. Weasley, I find myself in need of a profound favor. Would you be so kind as to point your wand at me and loudly state 'Expelliarmus'?’"
HERMIONE
(Gasping, dropping her butterbeer)
"He asked you to disarm him?! On purpose?!"
FRED
"Exactly! I pulled out my wand and blasted his wand right into a bin of Skiving Snackboxes. Just like that, the true allegiance of the real Elder Wand shifted to me. I've been the Master of the Deathstick for an entire year!"
GEORGE
"Then Dumbledore pulls out a standard, top-of-the-line Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes Deluxe Trick Wand from his pocket. He casts a brilliant Transfiguration charm on it so it looks exactly like the Elder Wand. He tells us he’s putting the fake one back in his pocket for a 'rainy day' with Malfoy."
HERMIONE
"But wait a minute! If Voldemort had a fake joke-shop wand the entire time... how did he cast the Killing Curse on you in the Forbidden Forest? You still went to King's Cross station!"
GEORGE
"Ah! You see, Hermione, you are underestimating the craftsmanship of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. Our Deluxe Trick Wands are embedded with a strict Magical Data Plan."
FRED
"Right. We designed them so they mimic real, high-level spells for a limited number of charges. It’s like a free trial! It lets the buyer trick their friends into thinking they’ve got a real wand before the gag drops. Here is how Voldemort unknowingly burned through his subscription plan:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SPELL TYPE | ENCODED LIMIT | HOW VOLDEMORT WASTED THE CHARGES
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crucio | 10 Charges | Spamming it on random Death Eaters at meetings.
Imperio | 10 Charges | Keeping Ministry officials under his thumb.
Fiendfyre / Dark | 10 Charges | Blasting through Hogwarts protective shields.
Avada Kedavra | 3 Charges | Capped at 3 for strict Ministry legal liability.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GEORGE
"He used Cast #1 to kill Charity Burbage at Malfoy Manor. He used Cast #2 during the sky battle. And he used Cast #3—the very last real charge in the wand—on you, Harry, in the forest. Which is why you survived!"
FRED
(Grinning, leaning forward)
"Which means, when he marched into the Great Hall to fight you for the final time... the free trial had officially expired. The wand locked down its core and defaulted directly into Prank Mode: Vanilla Custard Emergency Protocol."
RON
(Mouth wide open, staring at his brothers)
"You literally defeated the most dangerous dark wizard of all time... with a bad subscription plan."
FRED
(Winking, tossing the real Elder Wand—disguised inside a bright pink plastic tube—up and catching it)
"And when that wall collapsed outside the Room of Requirement tonight? The real wand felt the danger to its master and blew the stone wall right away from me and Percy. Alive, well, and ready for business."
GEORGE
(Raising his mug)
"To Albus Dumbledore. A man who truly appreciated a proper execution of a gag."
FRED
"And to the Dark Lord. May he rest in pudding."
The five friends clink their mugs together, their laughter echoing up into the castle, sealing the most iconic victory in wizarding history.