I found my diamond in the rough. She was everything that I was looking for. She had all the right itches in all the places I want to scratch. We talked. We listened. We made plans for the future.

While it was only a short time ago that I made my first post, it appears the feeling was not mutual. While I was smitten, she was carrying a scar that I could not see.

Today, our dynamic ended.

I received a message that was fairly ominous, but was clearly a message that she was having trouble so I reached out.

What followed was quite an astounding piece of bravery.

She indicated that she was having issues from outside our dynamic that was negatively impacting the dynamic.
We talked about steps forward, but it was pretty clear her mind was made up.
For a sub to come to her dom, and be authoritative, to be assertive and to do all of this while quite clearly on pain. That takes true bravery.

While my little one was hurting, she still was able to have the clarity to give me the one thing I asked for. Closure. Even when it pained her to do so.

So let me be clear.

This is how you do it.
If you have a problem. You speak up.
You don’t fall upon your sword. You don’t run off in to the darkness. You don’t hide and hope the problem fixes itself.
True bravery isn’t always fighting the hordes and the masses. Some times it’s the little voice in the dark, the one that whispers “enough”, even when doing so will hurt.

Our dynamic may be over, but my door has not closed. It will remain open, because of how you walked away, not in spite of it.
I’m proud of you little one. The sun will shine on you again.
I just hope to get to see it.
Good luck.

-Oh

So, I'm going to meet this really hot guy from grindr. He's a couple of years older than me, and we're going to hook up today. The thing is, he's submissive, and I'm going to be the dom top. The problem is that not only have I never dominated anyone before, but this is also only my second time topping someone. How do I do it? Any tips on how to be a good dom and top?

He asked me how I'd like him to look when he opens the door, since he's hosting and I told him to keep his clothes on because I'm going to strip him naked. He also said, “Bend me as you please in any part of the house” and “I'm free use.”

I did ask him about his boundaries and he said no restraining, no spitting. (He said he's okay with me pushing these boundaries, but only in future if we end up having some connection)

Please give me tips and tricks on how to approach this whole situation. What should I do? How should I greet him? How and where should I start? What should I do next? And what should I do after we both cum?

Honestly, any tips would help. I should also mention that he said he's interested in making this a regular, ongoing FWB situation, like sleepovers and everything.

Posting from a throwaway for privacy reasons.

I have been in several dynamics and a part of the community both in person and online for 7 years now and am pretty knowledgeable when it comes to RACK and similar basic things regarding BDSM guidelines.

The one thing I struggle with continuously is that as I grow and find out what my core/true kinks are, I find it easier to vet and tell right off the bat what my non-negotiables are and whether I'm going to click with the person or not.

It's recently been brought to my attention that I come off as a dick in my posts and as someone who only wants to get off vs form a genuine bond.

I very plainly state that I'm visual and exhibitionism is one of my core kinks that I look for when I engage with subs. That does not mean that I expect nudes right away, but it implies that visuals are important for me as is teasing. I know that is not everyone's cup of tea and I fully respect that. Comfort and safety come first.

However and I find it very unusual being called out by subs who have barely interacted with me calling me out for having preferences. Especially people who I have not previously engaged with in any way, dynamics or otherwise.

I feel like submissives do not understand the effect an emotional bond has in such a connection and the difference it makes vs "just porn" and they often mix the two.

I feel that part of our responsibility as doms is to educate as well as to care for our submissives while safely exploring sexuality, so I'm looking for ways to convey that no kinks should be judged or are less acceptable than something else.

Hello! I'm slowly getting acquainted with a woman I may date... May make a sub. I'm not sure yet. But she has a craving to just turn her brain off and be sub. I don't want to order her around, I don't think that's what she wants. I think she just wants to be loved on and not have to think. Like little space but not... Little? We are both girls so I was gonna do stuff like watch tv, play with her hair, paint her nails, maybe color or something.

I am looking for more ideas of ways to pamper her. I'm limited on space we will be in the den. So clean things that can be walked in on by roommates.

I am very new to being a Dom (A Dom Bottom specifically,) I've been doing what I can to educate myself - mostly through watching videos from bdsm/kink veterans.

I have a potential Sub that I've been talking to on Fetlife for a few weeks. He doesn't have any experience as a Sub, and isn't very familiar with bdsm/kink in general, but is very into the idea of being dominated. We haven't been able to meet in person yet because he's been doing a lot of OT.

Granted, I'm kind of glad that we haven't met yet, because like I said, I'm still educating myself on what I need to know as a Dom; Communication, Negotiation, Limits, etc...I still have so much to learn.

But one thing that I'm not entirely sure how to handle is our first meeting. I don't want to overwhelm and intimidate him by just spouting out everything that I've been learning - but I -do- want to prepare him and reassure him that I'm taking this very seriously.

First and foremost, our first meeting will not have any sex involved. I feel like it's important that we get to know each other more in person and build a sense of comfort first. Yknow, small talk, watching a movie - maybe a little cuddling - but nothing beyond that.

Obviously, i do want to bring up certain kink related things; the importance of communication, the traffic light system. He doesn't have much experience with toys, so I want to assure him that I practice toy safety (nothing without a base is getting near his ass, etc and condoms will be used on the toys,)

I'm also planning on sending him a yes, no, maybe list a few days before we meet so he has time to fill it out and we can share our lists with each other.

I'm also considering finding some videos on basic d/s dynamics to show him so we can be on the same page.

Is that all too much? Not enough?

When you have a potential sub over for the first time, what does your first meeting usually look like?

Making him comfortable and starting to build a foundation of trust are my biggest priorities. I've dealt with terrible Doms before, and I don't want to ever put my Subs into uncomfortable situations that I've experienced with other Doms, so any advice or insight would be extremely appreciated. Thank you!

Edit: Admittedly most of my experience is with hookups, and I typically host, so out of habit, him coming over was what first popped into my head. But ty to those who pointed out that meeting in public would probably be a better idea.

I have a sub with a vary traumatic past and i have been using a dominant and submissive relationships to fix her trauma our bond is extremely strong we are separated from each other but we do meet up as often as possible the advice i am looking for my sub dose not share well with others and she has recently decided to put out a challenge to find a female Asian of her self to add to our relationship

It’s really quite interesting how much control that a sub can have over you. We’ve had an interesting 12 hours, but they have been worth the effort.

Yesterday, unknown to both of us, they crossed a line that I didn’t know that I had. This is due to poor communication on may part and they owned no responsibility for this. It upset me greatly. When it was an appropriate time to vocalize the concern, I spoke up. We talked. The discussion was hard. I think for both of us. It was a hard enough discussion that I was very aware of the Sword of Damocles…

That a sub is not in control of the dynamic is such a fallacy. They absolutely are. At any time, anyone can walk away. Especially when those red lines / limits are crossed. Anyone can be hurt. The saving grace here is that we both came to the table with an open mind. For that I will be very grateful.

What I didn’t expect was the outcome. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. In this case, I guess I’m not the beholder. My anger tied to my possessiveness is something I’ve always considered a toxic trait. Something to suppress, regardless of the negative impact on my self. I have never even consider this to be a benefit until now, so its very interesting to have someone with a truly new perspective to consider. My possessive nature has always caused me trouble so I was approaching this problem assuming it was a negative. They on the other hand saw it completely differently. They saw it as affirming. They wanted the jealousy, because it felt like they were wanted and desired. I was told that the fact I was approaching this as if it was a problem was clouding my perspective, because it prefaced the situation as something that needs to be resolved and not embraced. Its not my place to project emotions and responses on to other people, but to give them the time to be able feel their own emotions and provide their own responses. I need to stop doing this in all my relationships.

So in reality, not only was the Sword of Damocles NOT hanging by a thread, it turns out it was bolted to the ceiling, anchored down and reinforced. Plus it was made of plastic. Hows that for a malaphor?

A hard situation to deal with, ended in affirmation. Imaging walking in to what you assume to be a conflict but to be met with encouragement, support and an improvement in the dynamic…

This morning felt like I was in a slow moving inevitable train crash in to a fire works factory located in the Chernobyl exclusion zone. It turns out that glow and warmth wasn’t radiation, but warmth and affection, provided with compassion and understanding.

Apparently I’m not Walt Goggins in Fallout, but Mr. Rodgers in his neighborhood…

Figure that one out…

First up i have little relationship experience and 0 sexual i am in my thirties. I feel like if i was in a relation of any sort i would want to be dominant and in charge but i have grown up hearing thats not the way and so i feel like i shouldnt have these feelings. Any advice for not feeling this way?

Hi everyone!
I posted here not too long ago (FTM21) about getting started in the BDSM scene with another green sub (FTM20). As some of you guys can recall, I was a heap of nerves about it.

We had our first in person session over the weekend and it went GREAT. It was better than I had expected, we went very slowly and made a lot of space for communicating. Once I got out of my head it was a nonstop stream of enjoyment interspersed with a lot of cuddles and aftercare :)

We’re meeting again very soon, and he’s just as enthusiastic to continue our play as I am. Thank you for all of the great advice I got! You guys are lifesavers to a nervous overthinker like me.

I’ve gained a lot of confidence in myself, and I really look forward to learning more. Cheers! (and another thank you haha)

OK, so there are things I can’t give super amounts of details about so please don’t ask for details farther than I tell you, but the gist is I’m military, my job in the military required me to go through SERE school (don’t know it google it for the in-depth info) due to the fact that there is a high risk of capture related to my job. While in the course those going through, it are captured and put into a POW camp. And the best way to describe it is the most intense BDSM experience of my life that had no safe word to stop it. Now I say that, but there was a way to stop it if I was medically in danger, but other than that, it doesn’t stop for anything, the program mentally, physically and emotionally breaks you. And once you’re done with the entire thing, there is absolutely no aftercare just a sterile emotionless debrief before you’re sent back to your unit.

So now that that’s out the way, I’ve just come out the other side of it within the last two weeks, and I am very much not OK. I was hanging out with some friends from the community, now that I got back home, two nights ago and there was some play going on and i very quickly found myself so emotionally compromised I had to go to the restroom and curl up in the fetal position. The sounds and visual of the impact play almost immediately caused me to fall right back into the mental state I had during the training, I wasn’t even participating in it just watching. I was in the fetal position so long that a close friend came to check on me and she had to physically remove me to her car before I I started coming back to myself.

I am exceedingly worried that this training has killed my ability to be in this community. Anyone with a similar experience or has gone through this I would greatly appreciate advice.

I am currently exploring D/s dynamic that has been really great for both of us. There are some specific actions, choke holds, hands around her neck and face slapping, that we have completely avoided, as my sub has experienced a violent relationship in the past and she doesn’t want to associate our dynamic with this.

I of course respect this and I would never push to engage in this. But now she has expressed a clear wish to explore it. And I feel conflicted.

It doesn’t feel like a whim or impulsive idea from her side. She has thought it through, and we’ve already discussed it. We have built a very trusting relationship, and we imagine staying in the dynamic for a long time. I think we both have a feeling that there is something therapeutic that can come out of engaging in this. A way of neutralizing bad experiences from the past. But at the same time, do either of us really know? Being her Dom I naturally feel a responsibility. If I say no she will respect it. But what if this is how we can come even closer?

Does anyone have experiences with similar situations? What would be the the best way to proceed?

Earlier this year I had a pretty little thing drop into my inbox responding to a lockscreen request post.

She is over a decade younger than me, and looked great, the alarm bells around her being fake were ringing, but looking through her profile she appeared to be real.

Over the last 5 months we have messaged on and off, like friends.

Sometimes it was mundane chat, other times it was some quite intense stuff (previously trauma and bas partners on her part).

More recently she has been exposing more of herself to me. And this is where the difficulty has come in.

I would never expose her to someone else, I don't want to risk her safety. But equally it is the threat of being exposed which seems to turn her on and push her further down the rabbit hole of submission.

After an intense session she regressed and will go AWOL for a few days, which I respect as people need time. But I concerned it's from regret.

I don't want her to regret anything she is doing, beyond the thrill of kink she experiences.

Any opinions are welcome.

(No I absolutely will not share her pictures with you.)

Hey all! I’ve been with my sub for about two years now. He’s been collared for those two years as we’ve treated his current collar as more of a promise ring but we’ve discussed making things a bit more permanent and I’m looking for a nicer formal collar more resembling an engagement ring :)

We’ve discussed marriage and all that so a marriage proposal is our next step but I’m having the HARDEST time finding collars that are more masculine that aren’t ugly as sin or very plain. His collar now is a simple locking clasp o-ring style with a simple chain in sterling silver but I’m wanting something with a bit more oohmph. I’ve looked into traditional vanilla jewelers to maybe get something custom but they either can’t do what I’m asking for or they’re way out of my budget. I’ve looked into Etsy, but they’re not quite the style I’m after. I’ve found some really nice ones but again they’re a bit too feminine for our taste. Anyone have any formal collar recommendations?

Where do I start? There have been so many duds, false starts and mis-matches. The amount of posers and fakes is just crazy.

Then I met her… how I don’t really know. Her account was effectively blank but had some breadcrumbs that just seemed appealing. I just got the right vibe. I’ve been looking for my partner in crime for a while now but never really had the success I’ve been looking for. But her? Wow.

Her submission is just delicious because my command is what she craves. I’ve dabbled; I’ve played but I’ve never really have someone TRUELY submit at this level.
This is intoxicating.

It’s what I have been craving to my core and all I want to do is wrap her in bubble wrap and keep her on my desk and feed her grapes…

Aladdin may have been the hero in the story, but I feel like Jafar… and for the first time in a long time… I’m ok with that.

I’m pretty new to actually doing BDSM, even though I’ve wanted to get into it since I was young. Lately I’ve been reading up on the culture rules safety and general concessions all of that, and I’m trying to take it slow, I'm a fast learner but I want to full understand what I'm doing not just take in the information 😂

I’m kind of a teddy bear by nature, Soft spoken, don’t like raising my voice I don't like much loud noises in general, I'm pretty passive with people even if I'm egged on, Once I click with someone I talk a lot though, and stuff gets jumbled, so I’ve been working on slowing down.

Where I’m stuck is in scene and even out. I’ll repeat the same line, come back with something stale, or catch myself asking instead of telling. That last one keeps throwing me off. I know what I want to do, I just don’t know how to get it across without it sounding flat or like I’m checking in every two seconds.

Any advice on breaking the habit of asking instead of directing, or on not running out of words, and keeping the same tone throughout?

Generally, the stance I take as a dom is firm but fair. I try to stick to the principle that punishments are earned just as rewards are, and don't simply come out of thin air. The aim really is so that I don't feel guilty for having been harsh and my submissive doesn't feel hard done by.

Naturally, a problem arises, as though I like to have a reason for issuing out punishments, I also generally like giving out the punishments! It's a lot of fun! But it leaves the inevitable situation of those times when my submissive isn't deserving of a punishment but I want to give one out! I'm sure this is a somewhat common experience for my fellow dominants out there. A lot of us like to have some sort of reasoning behind our punishments, and when your partner isn't a brat or deliberately breaking rules or such, sometimes it can seem very tricky to come up with a good reason.

I'm sure many of you know exactly the feeling. You want to spank your submissive, your submissive wants to be spanked, but you can't find any fault with their behaviour, and they don't want to be bad.

So I'm wondering what ways you've come up with or heard of to get around this sticking point in the past?

One that's come in handy for me before is to give my submissive time to prepare for something. Works great for an inspection scene, but it can apply anywhere I think. Then I find just about anything, no matter how small or silly, to pick up on. A loose thread, a stray hair, whatever. I ask them a question, like "When did you put on that garment?" or whatever, and it's a trick question. No matter what they say, an hour ago, 5 minutes ago, I can say "Long enough to have noticed/fixed this!" and just like that, I have my 'excuse'. If they try to adapt and next time say "I only just finished putting it on" I can say "You ought to have used your preparation time more wisely then!".

Another that comes to mind is the imagined crime, whereby the reason for punishment is a rather arbitrary thing. For example, asking them to turn around, and then saying that because they turned left instead of right, they must be punished. Generally I'm less of a fan of this sort of thing because of how unfair it usually seems, but when I know my partner is keen for a punishment or funishment, then that makes it tolerable.

EDIT: Since it's come up a few times already, I want to try and clarify something. I'm all for play for the sake of play. Spanking because spanking is fun, orgasm denial because orgasm denial is fun, whatever it is.

What I'm getting at here is that play for the sake of play doesn't quite carry the same feeling as punishment because a rule has been broken. It's very fulfilling to go through that series of events; Submissive makes an infraction - I punish them - they vow to do better - we both have a lot of fun! But if your submissive is good at not breaking the rules, then you need to find a few loopholes to get this kind of play!

My wife and I have been experimenting with the dom/sub dynamic for about six weeks. I had always fantasized about this in the past but was afraid to discuss it. Dabbled about 10 years ago when we both read "50 shades of grey". I am mostly a pleasure dom in that I like to make and watch her cum. She is very sensual and orgasmic. She has fully embraced her role as my submissive and enjoys everything about being my sub. She loves the attention and the service, and also my using her whenever I please. We are ready to write a contract and have a collaring ceremony. Has anyone else had this happen with their significant other? BTW, we have always had a good and very sexual relationship, and have been together for almost 30 years. Just curious how this has worked for others and any advice is greatly appreciated.

Hey so I’ve (FtM 20) been a dom to only one sub (MtF 22) before.
She was very much a service sub, I did my research and asked around, met some people and did basically all in my power to be the type of dom that she needed. Our relationship lasted quite long and ended up evolving into a 24/7 master/slave relationship, we only split because she had to leave the country and we both decided that we weren’t interested in continuing this over long distance as we wouldn’t be able to see each other more then a few times a year, and agreed that we should just each look for a new play partner irl.
Now I’ve met this second person quite a few times already and we’ve discussed entering a at first platonic play partnership with them (NB 20) as the sub and me as the dom. They just told me a few days ago that they are really into age-play and consider themselves a little, they regress to around a toddler age level 3~5, and I’ve spent the last few days reading up on it and have been noticing that there is a huge difference between what I’m used to and what I’m trying to become.
Don’t get me wrong, while I’m really into the Master/Slave dynamic, it’s not really a must for me I know that my new partner needs something else and from what I’ve read I think I’d really enjoy that dynamic too. I just don’t know what to do and what exactly I have to learn/unlearn to get used to both to a place where we’re comfortable.
I’m planning to talk to them about my only previous experience and the dynamic tomorrow when I see them again for the first time since that last talk, and wanted to ask for some advice and help in general, if you have got any suggestions or even experience in making a switch like that I’d be really thankful! 🙏
Anyways have a nice day/night!

We want to start a dom sub relationship but are unsure on how to go about it I am looking for people with more experience to share the way they started. Please and thank you

Hey guys, i started talking to this wonderful guy like 2 months ago and he's introduced me to the world of switching. I've always been on the side of the relationship where the guy is more dominant, but I've always wanted to try domming myself.
So I'm finding out what im into which includes being worshipped, pegging, being mean/humiliating. I also enjoy taking the caring loving role.

Sometimes Im not sure what to do. He'll sometimes ask me to say smth dirty to get him off through the phone but I cannot think of anything. He said he's not so much into the things being said but rather the things being done, so Im assuming through the phone he wants me to make him do smth... i just cant imagine what.

Got any tips?

I am having a tough time ending a D/s relationship. It started 2 years ago as him being married and having an affair with me. He gradually has become extremely submissive and I have taken on the dominant role. It is exhausting for me but the intensity and chemistry between us is off the charts. I am 65 and he is 51. Any tips for stepping away?

Hello everyone.

I’m incredibly new to the bdsm community as a whole, and am entering a D/s (owner / pup) dynamic with a sub who’s less green than I, but also rather new.

We are both quite young (FTM21, FTM20) and have been having a lot of fun with gentler play and tasking. I’ve been introducing rougher play at a slow pace, and we’ll be having our first in person play session next weekend.

That is to say I’m terrified of messing up in a big way and losing his trust and confidence in me. It’s very important to me that his submission to me is honored as the privilege it is.

I’ve been reading resources, doing regular check ins, keeping communication around boundaries open, and rewarding him for his honesty to me around play we’ve done. That being said I’m a huge over thinker, any advice would be incredible.

Thank you!

My longtime wife and I are ~2 years into exploring BDSM dynamics. It is all new to us and we are learning together.

I enjoy being a pleasure dom and taking her to the absolute limit (probably what sub space is) before I have her do anything that would make me cum. At that point she is so out of it that it is more me “using“ her, and we have started to build a narrative around that - I am turning her into my toy.

She initially felt guilty about being the one primarily receiving pleasure which we have worked through, and are now at a point where we are establishing some more strict rules and guidelines for her to follow. She is now comfortable with and asking for me to make me her my toy.

So, I am looking to establish an opening line she needs to say in order to start a session. She has been assuming certain positions and wearing certain clothes, but I want her to now say something as well.

I have 3 lines in mind - should I let her choose between them? Given the context do you have other thoughts or suggestions?

They are either:

“I want you to play with me”

“I want you to spoil me”

“I want you to train me”

I like the idea of her choosing what she likes most as it helps me further narrow down on our messaging.

But, can see the benefits of picking the one I feel best sets the tone for us.

So I have had a few dynamics, after having to rebuild myself from a narcissist dressed up as a little. I just been able to enjoy being called daddy again so woooo. What I’m struggling with is to be physically dominant someone always comes with sexual energy, like your getting tied down then my brain goes into its play time. I also love doing the aftercare and the support, the encouragement of good habits and headspaces. Punishing is something I struggle with tho sometimes, since I have had to rebuild everything over the course of 2 years. I’m a dom for my wife (new person) she’s a soft bart and does well with positive reinforcement and encouragement, I do my best to understand what my subs need and want, and implement them. But having a previous play partner say that it’s only a sexual thing for you to me has gotten me pretty messed up.

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I could really use some advice.

Me (28F) and my bf(30M) have known each other for more than 5/6 yrs. Not close friends but always enjoyed each other's company when in the same circles. We were both in different relationships at the time and in the last year met at a wedding and stayed everyday together ever since. We're very silly and in love and I feel like he is my best friend.

BUT after a few months in the relationship (2-3), he opened up about( really ashamed and cried) his kink for being dominated, humiliated and degraded. I'm pretty much a switch, a romantic vanilla experimentalist. I'm not into hurting my partner and definitely not degrading.

In my previous relationships I was more dominant, I like to feel like a goddess and to be praised, and to be in control. I like to make them melt in my hands and worship me. But also to be smashed by a wall and be put in my place and make me want it.

In his previous relationship his gf was a virgin and her first sexual interaction was with his kink. And they explored this together. Even tho they put an end to it 4/5 yrs ago, and he had another partner after her, recently( this month) she got married, and he had double thoughts about us. He reconsidered his life that he would never have that kind of sexual interaction again.

I'm not into this kink but I am willing to explore it.

My question is how can I find ways to enjoy this kind of kink when I always wanted a Dom partner? I'm not attracted by a full sub and I feel like I'm doing all the work if I'm the only Dom in the relationship. I don't get turned on by humiliation or degradation and even if I wanna explore this how can I make it in the adoration zone, or worship kind of Dom? So I can combine also my needs...