my best friend is a doctor who has worked in several different departments and hospitals across europe, and she’s currently working in psychiatry. ironically, she’s also happily childfree herself, to the point where she’s never even taken care of a plant. but recently, she told me something quite seriously that genuinely got under my skin. based on everything she’s witnessed throughout her career, she believes having at least one child is almost a necessity if you want to avoid being neglected or ending up in terrible conditions when you’re old, sick, and vulnerable. according to her, she’s seen just how badly elderly people without family support can be treated in hospitals, and having a child you maintain a good relationship with, assuming you’re lucky enough, can make an enormous difference in how comfortably and safely you age.
of course, i immediately brought up all the obvious arguments. having a child doesn’t guarantee they’ll take care of you. what if they die before you? what if they’re sick themselves, don’t love you, turn out to be terrible people, or simply don’t want that responsibility? and more importantly, how is bringing an entire human being into existence just to secure yourself a caregiver in old age remotely reasonable or ethical? i’m fully aware of all of this. i would never abandon my principles and have a child, or even get married, purely out of fear of growing old, becoming incontinent, or having nobody to look after me. i don’t believe in assigning that kind of responsibility to another human being. but despite all my rational objections, what she said has been bothering me like a tiny, persistent itch in the back of my mind. and what makes it harder to dismiss is that she’s not some random person preaching about the joys of motherhood. she’s a childfree doctor who’s actually witnessed these situations firsthand, in multiple healthcare systems.
so i’d really love to hear from fellow childfree people here, especially those who are older or have already dealt with aging, hospitalization, serious illness, or caring for elderly relatives. i’m not looking for the usual responses about how children aren’t guaranteed to care for you, how they might die, become disabled, resent you, or abandon you. believe me, i’ve already considered all of those possibilities. i’m more interested in what you actually think about the vulnerability of aging without children, whether you’ve witnessed anything similar, and how you realistically plan to navigate that stage of life. has anyone else had a conversation or experience that made them question their sense of security about growing old childfree, even without changing their mind about having children?
edit: thank you all for your responses!
thank you, everyone. you’ve once again reminded me why i’m happy with my decision to remain childfree.
i especially appreciate the comments from healthcare workers, people caring for their aging parents, and those experiencing later stages of life firsthand. your perspectives have been incredibly valuable.
i’d like to clarify a few things.
first, i’ve lived in europe and the surrounding region, and so has my doctor friend. judging by the comments, people living in europe seemed to relate more closely to what i described.
second, i’ve never particularly liked children, and i’m genuinely happy being childfree. i fully intend to remain that way. even if being childfree were the sole reason i ended up dying completely alone, i’d still be perfectly at peace with my decision.
also, to those pointing out that having children doesn’t guarantee you won’t die alone, or that expecting your children to care for you in old age is selfish: i know. i already explicitly addressed both points in my original post. i completely agree, and that’s precisely why i brought them up in the first place.
what surprised me was hearing these concerns from a friend i thought shared my views. her perspective came from years of working in healthcare specifically in europe, where she’d repeatedly encountered elderly people without children or close family struggling in old age. i agree that her experience may reflect a relatively narrow and disproportionately difficult subset of cases rather than the broader reality.
ultimately, your comments reminded me that there’s no single way to grow old. beyond the usual advice to make friends and build a community, i learned about services i didn’t even know existed, such as hiring a medical or patient advocate to help manage healthcare needs in old age. as far as i know, such services aren’t available in my country, and i hope that changes someday.
thank you again for sharing your experiences and helping me see the bigger picture. i really appreciate it.