My birth daughter found me a few years ago and came into my life like a wrecking ball. I tried to explain that her conception and birth were quite traumatic for me and that I needed time to get to know her and navigate the emotional minefield that she wanted to run through. She could not honor my boundaries so I cut off contact. Since then she had found other family members and had shared my name, posted things on social media using my name and calling me all kinds of horrible things. In her efforts to garner sympathy she tried to shame me.
Not every birth parent longs for a reunion and that boundary should be respected. I know I made the right decision in giving her up for adoption. By giving her up for adoption I rescinded all rights to her life and am not obligated to offer a relationship.
I understand her pain, but the lengths she has gone to attack me will never give her peace. By the way, I have never responded to her attacks. It’s a trauma loop I refuse to take part in. I’m just wondering if other birth parents have had a similar experience.

Hi there, I'm a transracial adoptee from South Korea; as the title suggests, I have emotionally shallow parents and I want to know if any other transracial adoptees struggle with this.

I was adopted from South Korea at 5 months old by White boomers and just recently have found the words to describe them as much as I love them: emotionally shallow.

Growing up, they didn't do much to engage with Korean culture and did not really do proper research on the culture before adopting me (I also have a brother adopted from South Korea; we have the same birth mom). The way I describe my circumstances is that they adopted us out of convenience; they were in a tough spot as my adoptive mother had fertility issues and South Korea could guarantee them a child for cheap.

To make a long story short, my parents can't really understand emotional nuances and they think very black-and-white (also they are conservative). They also aren't willing to seek out information for themselves and they aren't the most open-minded when taking new information in, which has caused much friction at times. Being White boomers that were raised in the middle of nowhere, they also just don't understand how racism works.

I feel really alone in my struggles with emotionally shallow parents and I want to know if any other transracial adoptees have this problem?

Looking for experiences from Canadians in this group. Have you adopted from the public child welfare system in Canada, what province, how long was the process to approval of your home and then how long did you wait for a match? What is the current experience like?
I’ve always wanted to adopt from the public system but looking for what to expect.

For transparency: I'm trying to sort through something personal, relevant to my community but not urgently / directly, so I'm using the "Ethics" flair here. I'm going to try to keep things kinda vague because I want to hear different perspectives to inform a decision. I am not currently pregnant, nor looking to adopt.

Background: due to my particular community and culture, many people I love and care about were abused as kids. They're no-contact with their families of origin, and they wish they'd been adopted by non-abusive families.

And even more people in my life, like this poster, suffer due to poverty and would trade their relationship with their family for wealth. [I originally put more details here, but it felt too personal so I deleted it. Tldr vers.: my loved one developed CPTSD from severe childhood poverty + parents not being able to pay for medical care nor treatment for their own mental illnesses.]

The thing is, being adopted is romanticized in my community / subculture. There's a lot of love for "found family" narratives, as well as the idea of giving your child something you were denied. The fantasy is also about automatically being wanted, rather than being seen as a burden until you prove otherwise.

But part of the romanticization comes from how uncommon it is. I can only think of 3 people in my real life who were adopted, and all had upper middle class or wealthy adoptive families--very different from most people in my circle!

(Not including kinship adoption, which is more common, but also usually unofficial if that makes sense. Like if you can take care of your sister's kids during a hard time, you do it, no reason to go to court over it).

Ethics question: I'm hoping to hear from people with different perspectives, from different cultures and backgrounds. Particularly from:

• Adoptees whose adoptive families are wealthier than their first families
• Low income parents who either placed their child up for adoption, or considered it but eventually decided against it

Based on your experience, what factors make placing a child for adoption into a wealthier family the right or wrong decision?

I have heard from many who wish they'd been placed for adoption, and I'd like to get a fuller picture with multiple perspectives outside of what I hear regularly.

I am m19 and after knowing who my birthmom is for a little over a year i finally got in contact with her, it wasnt like i didnt have a way it was just giving it some time, anyways we have had basic conversation over text, but its been good, she still lives in the same state so she isnt far away but we havent had any convos about meeting yet but my mom and dad would be for it, its not really weird for me because my mom who is also adopted has met basically all of her birth family and is close with alot of them especially her half sister and her birthmom, so I have been pretty used to this stuff but this is a first i would assume for my birthmom, but yeah its been fine and nothing really awkward, if you have any questions feel free to ask.

As the title says, I’m currently 15 weeks pregnant and 25 y/o. Totally unplanned. Sometime ago I did schedule an abortion but couldn’t go through with due to my emotions. The father is pressuring me to give the baby up cause he feels as though he doesn’t have the funds he wants to provide for me and the baby. I’m estranged from my family, I have a stable job, stable housing but currently traveling for work to make some extra money. All I’m saying is that I feel so connected to this growing baby and I’m not so sure I want to give them up. But I’m scared of if I’m able to afford raising a child especially w/o the support my family. Just looking for insight or stories from those in similar situations.

Hello! I 27 F was adopted at 3 months in Kampala Uganda from an orphanage, my parents say the orphanage did not give any specifics as to where I came from so I have never known. I’m not looking to find anyone specific (I feel no pull to find people I’ve never known anything about tbh) I just am curious to have something verified about my origin story be it how my ethnicity is made up or just anything other than being Ugandan. Are there any other international adoptees that have done testing to find out general information that may have experience or advice?

Hi all! This is my first time posting to this community.
I have a health condition which could make pregnancy very difficult and a higher chance of baby health difficulties which I could not knowingly place on a child.
Me and my partner were thinking of not having bio kids, going to the length of discussing sterilization to ease that anxiety and chance of impacting my health or a future child’s health.
To get to the point, I have 3 sisters who are all adopted and I am as close to them as I would be to blood related siblings, I see absolutely no difference. I was wondering what an adoption or foster-parent road to parenthood might look like? I was young when my parents went through the process but it seemed and sounded difficult/overall luck based that they were able to adopt a foster placement.
What is the reality of this process? Any parents out there that opted for the adoption route instead of biological kids that may have any advice or realistic outlook?
Thank you for your time and I hope my post makes sense!

hello 👋👋

i am currently pregnant with my first baby 🤍
but being very very honest, my dream was always to adopt.
that was always how i saw myself as a mother.

my husband was in. then my mother in law told us (in a table full of family) our adoptive child would molest all of our kids and destroy them 😫 and she kinda broke the magic for my husband.
he avoids the topic now. but he would if that was really what i want. i know.

i obviously don't think my mother in law is right, but those word were extremely hurtful, disgusting and i will never forget.

why i want to adopt?
i am a bastard child, so i kinda know how it feels to not belong anywhere.... and i kinda know the pain, and the love a child would need to get in order to feel happy and stable. my family have lots of mental health problems and i overcame all of them. i wish i could do this to a little one. i think there is nothing more holy in a sense.

as you can see, even pregnant, i can't stop thinking about it. is a deep wish from my heart.

why i may not?
when i started deep diving into adoption, it made me feel like it's a weird children market.
and i also go like: who am i to think i would be a better mom to this baby then other people?
what if the child DOES have many more problems that i can handle?
is adoption really morally ok?

i am also from a third world country living in the usa. so i am not sure if the best route would be national or international adoption.

Hi all! To give context I was adopted from China by two Americans back in 2002. I am considered a naturalized citizen but I do not have the papers to prove it.

The way it was explained to me by my parents is that the second I stepped foot on American soil I was a naturalized citizen and the lawyers and social workers they worked with told them that. They said I was automatically a naturalized citizen so they didn't go through the court processes to get the paper work.

I am currently in a job where having those naturalization papers is important. Does anybody have a similar experience? Has anybody gone through the process of getting naturalization papers as an adult after being in the US almost their entire life and having a US Passport? I looked through the base naturalization paperwork and I'm not applicable to submit an application since I have a US Passport already. I'm not really sure what to do. Any help would be appreciated!

I am hoping to find some support in a rather tricky circumstance: my partner was born in 1989 in Moskau. His biological parents left the hospital after birth, leaving a handwritten note with their full names, but no further information. No birth certificate was issued and he doesn’t know which hospital it was.
He has minor handicaps and he was then put in orphanage no. 9 in Moskau. He got adopted from a US family in 1992. He has photos of the adoption records: a photo with a USSR passport issued in 1992 with his adopted name as well as adoption certificate from ZAGS.
He tried searching by testing his DNA or the names of the biological parents online, but yet no success in pinpointing anyone of his biological family. He can’t get any support from his adoptive parents, but we would like to figure out how to get him a passport from Russia.
Any help will be highly appreciated!

If you’re comfortable sharing,if you are an adoptee who your adoptive parents did not tell you you were adopted and you found out later in life. How did that make you feel? Impact your life? How did you feel towards your adopters etc. thanks for sharing

How can I make adoption in Nepal as a Nepalese citizen? Where do I get the child? If you know about any organization or have done adoption, please help me.

My husband and I have been considering adoption for a couple of years. We found out I am not able to get pregnant and have sort of always been considering adopting at some point anyway. We are open to adopting older kids, too. The issue is... should we? We are mid 30s and I unexpectedly went through breast cancer treatment two years ago. I will be officially in remission early next year.

I have chronic illnesses but I do work part time and my husband works full time. Financially we would be fine. We live in a great town for kids and are close to my parents. We are renovating our entire house over several years and have 7 pets as well, so with these factors + my illnesses... is it fair? I keep seeing two siblings aged 12 and 15 that I am so drawn to as their interests are very similar to mine and my husband's. I have just wanted children with my husband for so long, and honestly we have so much love and support to give. Helping kids learn and grow excites me. I just don't know if the animals, renovations and all that are too much. Is it even fair for us to adopt? Naturally we also just worry we aren't good enough.

Thoughts appreciated.

So I (19F) recently found my half-brother's (Same father, different mothers) adoptive parents (He was adopted by his maternal aunt and uncle as an infant) on Facebook. I really want to reach out to them and try to establish a meeting, but I am worried I will come off as rude or intrusive. My father and his mother had a very toxic relationship, from what I gathered, and were barely even together before he was born, and he was immediately given up for adoption, which made my bio-father angry and apparently cut off contact.

They were completely no contact with bio dad but apparently had some contact with my Grandmother on dad's side, as she had a photo of Brother and told me his name (though I have come to discover his name is not what they thought it was and was changed at adoption, which I assumed they did not share for privacy). My biofather was/is a drug addict and did not raise me whatsoever and was hardly in my life, and to this day continues to be a deadbeat until his guilt gets too bad and he sends me a message.

I was raised by my biological grandmother after my mom died when I was 11 due to drug abuse, and when I was 17, my grandmother died of breast cancer. All that to say, I have very little biological family, and I have always wanted to reconnect with my brother. I am worried that if his adoptive mother sees I am friends with my bio dad on Facebook, she will want nothing to do with me, and I cannot unfriend him, as my little sisters sometimes stay with him and I need them to be able to contact me in an emergency (they are too young for their own phones and use his for communication when they stay with him).

My little brother is 17-18 years old, and from what I have been able to gather has changed his name and has contact with his birth mother, but I am unsure if he knows his adoptive status. I have also recently been adopted and wondered if sharing this would make reunion more likely? I do not want to cause any upset in their life, and do not want to reveal this to him if he is unaware, which is why I want to reach out to his mother. Any advice? Thank you all!

Hii Chinese Adoptee here, me and a friend from the same region are travelling back to our ‘hometown’ and was wondering if there is anyone or any communities that would be able to help and advise us when going?

A few thing we would like to do is give our dna in to the national dna register which we believe is a police station and would like to learn more about the process as well was finding our ‘founding locations’

I was adopted as a toddler and now 35. I have one memory thats short but clear. Night time, really dark and in a car on a highway and snowing really heavy. I can see out the windshield big fat snowflakes and pitch black. The memory is from before I was adopted and should have been too young to form memories. But its so clear and I think about that memory a lot. I remember I was scared. Really scared. Obviously others in the car, I can see figures but no details. Does anyone else have any sort of memories like this?

I just found this out and I'm heartbroken for both my son and for his adoptive mom. She has stage 2 breast cancer after previously having another kind of cancer years prior. She is going to have to undergo radiation.

My son is only 2 so too young to understand what's going on but I really, really hope he doesn't have to lose her.

My sons Adoptive parents are really, really nice people. They have taken care of my son so well. They're like family to me. It feels like, in a way, they not only adopted my son but also me (even though I'm an adult) as I don't really have family.

So this is really hitting me hard. I don't want my son to lose his adoptive mom. I don't want to lose her either.

We have had a young man reach out saying he is Hubs bio son- found us on adoption reunion site. I would really like to know if this happens a lot that people get catfished but with no confirmation of DNA or also no requests for money or anything. seems pointless and unnecessary. He does reach out wanting support in hard times- is all.

If you were a child in an open adoption, did you know your birth mom growing up? What kind of relationship do you have with her now? What kind of feelings did you have growing up because of it? Any resentment or anger towards your birth mom? Are you thankful for her? Give me all your experiences and thoughts on this!

I know an early teen who is adopted. He was adopted as a toddler from a very impoverished country which had struggled with civil war.

He has great adoptive parents who desperately wanted to raise and love a child.

The mother has always struggled with him though. Attachment wasn’t quite what you would have hoped for - he didn’t sleep well, they struggled with behavioural issues, discipline issues and I think she just getting depleted with all the issues that neither bonded well enough.

This has persisted to today except he’s a young man now and the challenges are getting harder with antisocial behaviour, exclusion, discipline issues, authority issues etc

Throughout both parents remain united and have heavily invested in getting professional support . It has mostly centred on his behavioural development (social, emotional etc)and educational development.

However, it hasn’t really made much profound difference.

I’m an outsider looking in and have asked my friend whether she believes that his adoption was traumatic for him to the extent where he has subconscious trauma playing out in his life?

I believe this is highly likely what is playing out yet over the years, it doesn’t appear that any professional has suggested it.

As a toddler he was removed from his bio mum. It’s unknown how well he was cared for in his very early days. Nevertheless that removal from his bio mother must have been traumatic even if he has no memory of it.

Does anyone reading this have any experience of this and where would you go for support?

They are concerned of course that he is on a trajectory.

Their whole family life is consumed with the challenges this young man is facing and how they feel like they have no control, lack of skills and support.

They are based in the US now. So particularly interested in hearing from those there. What services, therapeutics approaches etc are worth turning to because that family is being torn apart by the pain this young man is carrying around