I read that many children in orphanages die due to lack of love and human touch. The longer you go without love the more it affects you. I was 18 months old when I was adopted and the people who adopted me beat and abused me. I often wonder if this is why I am an introvert and I have trouble with relationships and trusting. Do you think you suffer from long term childhood neglect?

I’m in my mid-thirties and have known about my adoption since I could form memories. Some parts of me always felt out of place and I struggled with objective confidence.

I have come to terms with being an introvert. I did a DNA search and have made contact with my family. I feel like the people that are aware of my new knowledge expect my to magically come out of this fog and just have mastery of who I am.

Has anyone else dealt with confidence issues related to their adoption and potential sensitivities from childhood? Did you ever feel more grounded in yourself after knowing more or meeting your birth parents/family?

I feel something weird that I haven't really worked on understanding yet, and I don't know if it's just me.

I talk about my adoption a lot, just randomly, not to people I care about a lot because I'm scared of being annoying but that's not the point. It feels like I always run back to talking about it, I don't like the feeling when I do, it's overwhelming and it sits heavy. But when I'm done talking it feels like I need to distract myself so I just watch some videos or something like that. But then again, no matter if I'm happy, nervous, sad. I just always run back to talking about it, and it goes in the same loop. I don't understand it. Do I like talking about it? But I don't like the emotions. Maybe I'm trying to figure something out? But there's nothing I can figure out by just talking.

So I really don't understand why I do that, why do I run back to talk about it every time?

This is embarrassing, I guess. But sometimes it feels like I say to myself "oh, well at least you have a cool backstory to you, you're not boring." Something along these lines, and sometimes I do think that way, it's not a cool backstory, I don't know. Maybe it can be very hurtful but also cool? I always wish I'm normal and "boring" rather than whatever I think I am.

I don't understand this, and frankly I don't want to go through so much just to figure it out, so maybe one of you has an answer.

I’m an international/transracial adoptee who is considering having children someday. In my decision making process, I wish I could talk to my mom about her experience with childbirth, but of course she didn’t give birth to have me. I feel like people who were raised by their bio parents can talk about childbirth and pregnancy and health history and all that.

No one in my family (that I would feel comfortable talking to about considering having a child) has given birth (or they have but have since passed away). I do not feel comfortable talking about it with my in laws because they will pressure me to have kids if they know I’m considering it. They also don’t my emotional/mental/physical history to know if parenthood is good for me.

I also do not have any friends who have gotten pregnant/given birth yet.

I have no siblings.

I do not know my bio parents.

Listening to people online or reading personal accounts of other people’s pregnancy doesn’t really help as well since they don’t know me.

I feel truly alone in this decision as the person who would get pregnant. Going in blind. Like being a first generation college student; sure there are so many resources available to learn the process, but my family whom I trust and who might be able to guide me has never experienced it and so can’t really help.

So my question is: do you relate to this experience? If so, do you have children and how did you make that decision? How did you feel comfortable getting pregnant with no health history or someone who could share their experience and guidance?

Looking for any people who may have experienced or advice !

Comment whatever you have on your mind this week for which you'd rather not make a post.

My birth mother and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum, so I avoid those topics with her. Here in the US, we’re going through midterm elections right now and of course our politics are very divisive to the point of splitting up families. My birth mother just made a public Facebook post (knowing I would see it) that outlines all the reasons she absolutely loves Donald Trump, including a pro life stance. Specifically, it said “I’m voting for every unborn soul the Democrats want to abort, and the newborns that some allowing to be killed through so-called post-birth abortions.” I know she meant for me to see this as a way of trying to manipulate me into supporting her political point of view, knowing she gave me up for adoption and did not abort me (I was born pre Roe v Wade, so it would have been illegal at the time anyway). I want to say to anyone who takes this manipulative stance toward adopted people that I do not owe anyone my personal beliefs or my political allegiance to any movement just because of how I came into the world. My existence is not a debt to be repaid to anyone or any political ideology. My life is not your talking point and I’m more than your stupid bumper sticker! Further, adoption is not the easy, neat little answer to unplanned pregnancy that people want it to be. Adoption is a complex, often traumatic system that is not a simple fix for an unplanned pregnancy. Being adopted gives me a deep understanding of how complicated these situations are, and it actually reinforces my belief that people should have full control over their own bodies and futures. So please don’t tell adopted people they should be pro life to fit your own political agenda. Just don’t.

(Posting this from my backup account because I didn’t realize I hadn’t joined this subreddit on my main account 🤦🏻‍♀️)

“All opinions are welcome” unless you tell OP what she doesn’t want to hear…. Her self serving attitude would definitely contribute to a child she adopts to cut her off as an adult, which is what she said her fear was. She ended up blocking me so I got the screenshots from this account instead of my main.

Funny how she doesn’t care about opinions from strangers online as she claimed when she comes to an online forum that is filled with strangers going by online aliases asking for advice and opinions 😂🙄

Hi everyone. I'm writing one update post here and sharing rather than replying to everyone in the other thread and re-typing something gross. This thread also gives me the opportunity to appropriately tag my post with a trigger warning.

To read my original post with my closed adoption research story, click here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Adopted/comments/1x542xf/37_yo_closed_adoption_recently_discovered_birth/

Please keep in mind when I originally made that post, I thought that being blocked with no answers was the end. I am 37 years old, and I have gone my whole life with no answers or information, so never receiving an update is what I expected.

Surprisingly, I received a response from my mom on Ancestry, and it unfortunately makes a sad update even more sad. I guess she unblocked me and decided to inform me of why she didn't want to speak to me after speaking with her brother or husband.

(TRIGGER WARNING - SA mentioned) This is what she said:
"The reason I don't want to talk to you in any way is because it reminds me that I was drugged & raped. I never wanted to be reminded of this incident. Apparently you do not care about invading my privacy, or you would have stopped contacting me when your previous attempt was ignored. I am glad you are having a good life in spite of how you came into this world. No one in my family other than my husband was aware of this incident and I would appreciate it if you would stop sharing information with people who had no idea about any of this. Please understand, it isn't personal, I am sure you are a great guy, but you need to leave me and my immediate family alone."

Obviously, I had considered given that I was in a closed adoption that something like this had been the case, but it was a "worst case scenario" type of fear that I didn't have any information on.

I'm not going to share my full reply to her, but basically I apologized for bothering and upsetting her, and I thanked her for responding to me under such difficult circumstances. I explained to her that of course I do care and didn't intend to hurt her, and I didn't know that she had ever received any of my messages (since I received no read receipt or response previously)

I told her that I am glad that she told me and would do my best to erase him from my ancestry

I had also been in the process of attempting to contact my birth father. His side of the family had been more welcoming and willing to conduct research, so I had narrowed my father's identity down to two different people. Now that I know what happened, I don't want to proceed with identifying him and I blocked out the person that I suspect is my father from my family tree that I'm building.

I told her that I would not bother her and I apologized several times for causing her pain, and I sent her my contact information and said if she ever wants to reach out in the future she can.

I also shared an extremely nerdy quote, but given that she also has nerdy interests it felt appropriate. I quoted Mewtwo and said that the circumstances of ones birth are irrelevant and it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are. I thanked her for giving me the gift of life and promised her I would always do my best to be a good person, and I told her I wouldn't bother anymore and apologized for causing her pain again.

I know that it's not my fault but I was already extremely anxious after believing I had been permanently blocked, so receiving this update has been hard. I feel a lot of anger at my father because people who do such things are despicable people and I do care about my birth mother so hearing what she went through and knowing hearing from me causes her pain is upsetting and I blame him for everything. We also have so much in common and being unable to even be internet friends with her feels bad, especially knowing that it's because of such tragic circumstances.

Anyway I know this is kind of a sad cliche at this point but unfortunately it looks like I will be losing out on a relationship with my birth mother and also my birth father as well, since I don't want to speak to him anymore.

The one blessing I guess is I have met a few cousins who have been extremely kind on both sides of the family. On my dad's side, my first cousin has been extremely kind and empathetic. I told her about the update I received from my mom since I had asked her to help me contact her uncles, and she was so kind and empathetic and said we'd figure out what to do. It would have been very easy for her to just say "this weirdo is the result of an assault and not part of my real family. This is crazy and I don't want to talk to him anymore" so I feel extremely thankful at the kindness and empathy I've received from my cousins who are just thankful to meet me and don't care about how I came into existence

TL;DR - Unfortunately, my mom messaged me and never wants to speak to me and doesn't want me to contact any family on her side of the family, and I will not be attempting to contact my father anymore. If you want to read the triggering details you can scroll up.

Hi everyone,

I am an adoptee that was adopted through a closed adoption in 1989. I wanted to share my story about what it felt like to "find out" about my family and attempt to contact them later in life.

Growing up, my family always had an "adoption day" celebration, and I always knew I was adopted. I love my family, but it is a small family and my parents are older than the average parents my age.

When I turned 18 I attempted to reach out to my birth mom through the adoption agency, and they said that she declined the option to connect through them. They sent me a basic list of non-identifying information about my mom, her parents and grandparents, and her siblings. For many years this was the only information I had, and I decided to do not dig too aggressively through health records out of respect for my family. I believed that one day, I would find out more information.

I was born in the south eastern united states, so my best guess as to why my birth family didn't want to connect is probably due to shame/family secrets.

A few years ago, I matched with my grandmother's brother on Ancestry. At first, we didn't know exactly where I fit on the family tree. He is very old, so progress was slow. Earlier this year, after I sent him the anonymized information from the adoption agency, he was able to use the description of my birth mom's siblings to figure out who my birth mom was. He told me her identity and the identity of my grandparents and aunts/uncles.

I sent my birth mother a message, but I do not believe she saw it at the time.

Fast forward a few months, and my biological grandfather passed away. I felt bad, because on one hand I missed the opportunity to meet/speak with him before it was too late, but knowing how paranoid older people in the south can be, I also was concerned that it would make my outreach more awkward. I was worried they would make assumptions when they saw my message that I was interested in seeking an inheritance, since many people do not have a deep understanding of adoption laws.

So I waited another month+ and didn't contact anyone. After that period of time, I decided to try to build out a family tree on ancestry. After inputting some information, ancestry told me that the information I was importing was being imported from another Ancestry user's family tree. Dun Dun DUNNNNN... my birth mom had an EXTENSIVE family tree that she had developed on Ancestry without ever taking a DNA test.

So I sent her a message on ancestry and sent a message to my uncle as well politely introducing myself and asking if they would be willing to discuss medical history. I also apologized for the awkward message and let them know that they didn't have to speak with me if they didn't want to and I would 100% respect their privacy.

My uncle immediately was nice, asked who my parents were, and when I mentioned my birth mom's name, he said "it was bullshit" and said that there was no way she could have hidden the pregnancy from him.. even though he was 8 years old at the time and she lived in another city.

What I didn't mention to him is that she also had two other children that were also put up for adoption before me. (The main reason I'm doing research is to try to locate my other adopted siblings)

Today.. I noticed that she blocked me on Facebook, which I guess means she saw my message and does not want further contact.

She also changed her ancestry tree to "private" which makes it impossible for me to access the tree and continue research directly, but I expected it to happen so I actually took screenshots and downloaded everything immediately.

This was disappointing, but not entirely unsurprising. The craziest thing to me is, she's 65 years old, but she reads scifi novels, plays video games, and seems to have a lot of geeky hobbies like me. This is very rare for an older person who lives in the rural southeast.

So I guess my family research journey ends here until they reach back out or until someone on my birth father's side takes a DNA test. Overall.. I don't have regrets. It feels awful and the emotional distress is extreme, but it feels good to have at least tried and it's nice to know more information about my ancestry. Some of my biological cousins have been extremely kind and welcoming, it just seems like my birth family has some drama and religious shame issues going on.

TL;DR - I contacted my birth mom and uncle after figuring out her identity from my grandma's brother on AncestryDNA. Unfortunately my birth mom blocked me on Facebook after I messaged her, and my uncle stopped responding to me after saying my story was 'bullshit'. Fortunately, I still learned some interesting information about my family ancestry and I'm glad that I attempted to contact them, even if it didn't work out.

Adopted from China - I felt my adoptive mother would always focus on Asian children’s appearances.

There were times it could feel good, she’d compliment my having straight hair and how she loved “almond-shaped” eyes. But I think it made me very shallow and overly aware of how looks were important. She’d also say pretty problematic things like how East Asian girls were more attractive than other races. When I felt insecure about my skin colour and wanting to be paler, she dismissed it by telling me how upsetting it was for her to hear that and I was “so lucky” to have brown skin - yet she’d openly say she wouldn’t want to adopt from a country where they had darker skin.

She was part of email lists where families would share photos of their children adopted from China (usually girls due the one child policy) and my AM would comment how pretty/cute/gorgeous they were and show me all these photos of random kids. Other times she’d point out the girls who she thought were ugly or plain and how she was glad she had adopted “cute ones”.

I remember I once told her it made me feel bad when she would tell me how pretty other girls were - “this one could be a model when she grows up,”. She did absolutely nothing to reassure me or reflect maybe it wasn’t particularly healthy to comment on other children’s appearances to your own child and told me “So I’m not allowed to say other girls are pretty? You’re being ridiculous, I tell you you’re beautiful all the time.”

But that wasn’t the point, it was the fixation on how East Asian girls and women looked.

As I grew older, she said some really horrible sexual things about how Chinese women were seen as “prizes” to men because of how their bodies were petite, it made me feel horrible. But whenever I expressed any insecurity about my own body my AM’s response would be: “Other women would kill to have your figure, I’d pay so much money to be as slim as you, you have no idea how lucky you are.”

Ironically, how my AM handled race wasn’t the worst thing she did - she was outright abusive and neglectful in many other ways, but it’s just another twisted narrative that added to the pile of trauma. My views on gender and being a woman were incredibly warped and I still struggle with it to this day.

Hi community,

As the title says, I am 50 yrs old, was adopted at birth back in 1976.

I am a recovering addict, 21 years clean now, worked the 12 steps, and always wondered why the character defects dealing with abandonment and self esteem were so hard for me to let go of, and still crop up in my life all of the time.

I am in a reasonably new relationship, and my partner knows that I am adopted, and that I have never searched for my biological parents, because "I didn't want to hurt my mom".

She has gently pushed me to find out more about them. I had already had an ancestry account and right when she did, I got a first cousin match, and she offered to help me.

In an unrelated conversation, we had a disagreement, and I was trying to "fix" something for her, and she said something like "You don't gave to earn my love". She said it in frustration but I heard, like really heard, those words for the first time, and I cried for like an hour. I finally started looking up adoption trauma and what I found out floored me. That I was twice as likely to become an addict, that that "not good enough" feeling was hardcoded into my nervous system, so many things.

Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It is like I lived my entire life in denial or ignorance of this and it makes me dizzy. I am still coming to grips with it. I learned about hypervigilance, and I honestly thought everyone felt that.

We ended up finding my birth mother through some sleuthing and I made contact. We are having a slow text conversation. My birth father has passed away but I have made contact with his family also. I have found out that I was a hidden pregnancy from a young mother. None of that really matters. I do have two half siblings also, from my birth mother.

These feelings are really, really intense, and I started seeing a therapist that specializes in adoption and attachment disorder.

I dont know what I am really asking for, I think I am just asking if what I am feeling sounds normal, and if others have any advice for me? I spend a lot of time confused about it, like I feel more regret about not knowing this sooner, like I could have saved myself so much pain if I had known about this earlier. Like I know that this is trauma from before I had words to describe it and that it is hardcoded into my nervous system, and at least knowing where that horrible fear comes from is somewhat comforting I guess, but....I dunno I am just rambling and I have tried sharing about this at my NA meetings but it comes out garbled and I dont think anyone in my groups is also adopted. I know my sponsor can't help me with this, and I figured maybe some people who have gone through this feeling can maybe give me some advice, share how they got through this period, and maybe give me some hope for how it feels on the other side?

Thanks to anyone who replies and shares with me.

What do you see as the difference between the words "transnational" and "intercountry" adoption? I see intercountry as focused more on the legal or transactional act or process of being adopted whereas transnational encompasses more of the cross-cultural experience of being of/from two nations.

What do you think?

for me, it was when i learned about some gossip people were spreading about me. a friend told me that she heard some people describe me as someone who “seems extremely traumatized” and is “hard to open up.” this really confused me. i knew i had some unexplainable social struggles, but i didn’t think i was traumatized at all. i honestly thought that i was just autistic or something.

the friend actually fostered some kids in the past, so she had taken some classes forever ago and told me that she remembers learning about trauma stemming from adoption. hearing that from her sent me down a major rabbit hole and i started making connections that i hadn’t even considered; it genuinely changed the entire way i thought about my life.

i started digging for more information about my bio family, which sent me spiraling even more. it filled me with anger that my bio mom and dad ended up having completely normal lives and even had more kids soon after my relinquishment (not together—they’re all half siblings). it really made me start questioning the narrative i had been fed and if adoption was “in my best interest” to begin with.

I was adopted at age 2 and separated from all bio family and siblings. When I was about 13 I discovered I had 4 siblings, some are half but ive always considered them just sibling. I never got close to most of them except for one. My half brother. Even though he was 10 years older than me he was the only one who bothered keeping in touch with me. He was my best friend. We called every single day. Through my teen years it was like I was following his footsteps. I spent many of my teen years in and out of homelessness. I lived a couple years in the same shelter my brother did when he was a teen. He was the only person in my whole world that truly understood what I was going through. He was in foster care throughout most his life. The only thing that was different between us is that he did not have the same support that he was giving me. And that largely played a part in his passing.

He was the reason why I graduated high school and signed up for college. He was the reason why I fought hard for myself. He was the only person that made me feel like I was wanted and like I belong. My whole world shattered about 2 years ago when I found out he passed away. He went silent for almost a whole year before he passed, but I didnt realize it at the time that that was likely a cry for help. I tried to return the support he had given me through the years but he was so so damaged by what he endured. I blame myself, but I also blame the system and every single adult that was in his life when he was in the system. As time goes on since he took his life I just get more and more angry. I look back at our texts and now that im older im realizing he had always put tiny bits and pieces of his story and his pain in his messages. I was just too late to see the whole puzzle. He was one of the most clearest cases of the system failing a child. At first I felt angry at him for doing what he did to himself. But after thinking over and over of what he went through, I unfortunately understand why he felt that way, even though it didnt have to be that way.

I thought I won the lottery for making it to adulthood and away from the foster care and adoption system. I thought now that my siblings and I were all adults we will all be alive and well now that the worst years of our trauma is finally over. But I see now foster and adoption trauma can stay, and even worsen way into adulthood. I so badly want justice for my brother and how he was horribly failed by the state. But I am just one person. And my state along with likely many others is already well known for having these issues for decades. I know theres already dozens of people advocating for better every single day. I just feel so useless that my brother has just become another statistic. Just another number added onto to the already large number of people damaged by adoption and foster care.

If anyone has also gone through a similar loss and has any advice. I dont know how to deal with the guilt or the anger and frustration. I dont know how I can help make a change.

Hello all, apologies if this has been asked before . What are some of your best book recommendations specifically pertaining to adoptees? Right now my reading list includes primal wound, coming home to self , and the adoptees journey . Please also share any websites , articles , or resources that you have found helpful as an adoptee who is trying to heal and do inner work and find their authentic self …

I’d like to know people’s thoughts, opinions and feelings on feeling guilty because they had a pretty good upbringing from parents who loved them, but can’t seem to think there’s something missing. I’m quite awkward with my adopted parents (especially my mum) and have no clue why. But I am more and more curious about contacting my bio mum (I’m late 30s) but feel massive guilt around it.

So a few questions (which I feel there will be so many more to come):

Anyone else feel this way or have experiences with trying to have a better connection with their parents as they’ve gotten older?

What did you say when you made 1st contact with your bio mum?

This is the first time I’ve spoken out loud about anything adoption so be kind ❤️

I don’t see the need to explain why the lyrics resonate with me. I think fellow adoptees can understand too.

I relate to this song in other aspects of my life, and though it isn’t an adoptee song, these lyrics very much encapsulates my feelings.

I’m so tired of hearing about how my mom did EVERYTHING to give me and my adopted brother a good life. She did everything. Parent teacher conference, making sure we did our homework, paying for piano lessons, church every Sunday.

means absolutely nothing when I never felt like I could talk to her about anything or even say “hey I’m sad” without getting yelled at. Or having my mental and physical health issues dismissed/untreated until adulthood because she didn’t believe in them.

good to know that the mere act of adopting someone and making sure they go to school is the pinnacle of parenting.

every time i google something like this, the focus is on ADOPTIVE PARENTS rather than the adoptee (or even the birth parents). it makes me so angry that their feelings are always emphasized and researched over others.

the first few articles that popped up were about adoptive parents; i had to scroll down a bit to find anything about actual adoptees.

i’ll just say that one group had more of a choice in the matter of adoption than the other…

I’m in an adoptee-only community where someone recently mentioned wanting to become an adoptive or foster parent.

In an adoptee-only peer space, how would you feel if a member is open about wanting to become or is in the process of becoming an adoptive or foster parent themselves?

Would that change how you relate to them or how open you feel sharing your experiences?

Do you think adoptees who want to become adoptive parents should still be welcome in adoptee-only spaces, or should those spaces be exclusively for adoptees who aren't pursuing that role?

Preface: the meet up went well!!! Its been the emotional aftermath I did not expect…

I was adopted at 14 months old my uncle and his family. I was raised as one of them but always felt different. Had no relationship with biological parents. BM was my distant “aunt” my whole life and BD was not around at all. I hadnt even seen a picture of him until I almost near 30 years old.

A lot went sour with my family in recent years after losing mom, which was shortly followed by losing dad and brother. Thankfully I still have my AS.

A few years ago, a biological sister from out of state found out about me, which was a complete shock because I truly had no idea she existed. We had the same BD and she found me while trying to track him down. He died many years ago.

We’ve been in contact ever since and we actually get along really well with similar values, opinions, etc. It was such a relief!

After many failed attempts, we finally got to meet this past weekend and it was very emotional for me. I started to get very nervous the day prior, cried out of relief after our first meeting, cried again when it was time to leave, and have cried several times a day since getting back home. I cant stop staring at the pictures we took and crying because I’ve never seen anyone look like me before, and I feel an intense bond like she’s always been my little sister.

I want us to continue getting to know each other and make up for lost time but she also is not my therapist. I do not want to love-bomb/ trauma bond because she feels familiar and wants to get to know each other. I think Im just unsure of how much sharing about myself is too much.

Im also struggling with my identity, the expectations of what are relationship can/will be, fear of rejection, etc. We are two grown adults in our mid 30’s and there was no guarantee we’d like each other or that we always will. Im just taken aback by how much of a can of worms this opened emotionally. Like an inner-child wound that was larger than I thought still.

Its still going very well and Im so glad the enthusiasm for a bond is mutual, but dont know how much of these heavy emotions to share with her or not. She seems to be a lot tougher than me emotionally and I worry about being too much too soon.

I have a question for all adoptees. I've got a statement that I wish were a fact or true, yet I have a strong feeling that I'm extremely wrong abt it. I'll share my thoughts later, but first, the question: Are there any adoptees out there who are extroverts, or are y'all introverts? Please let me know by saying Extrovert or Introvert, and add additional comments under the answer. Thanks.

Edit: Hello Y'all, thanks so much for answering this question. Turns out I was quite wrong... -ish. I've read all of y'all's responses, and there are abt 11 are introverts, 7 extroverts, and 5 somewhat in the middle. A few of y'all have actually touched on what my statement (or more like a theory) is. I had thought that if by being adopted had turned adoptees into introverts, no matter what they were before. If I had a massive introvert response, it would mean I was right; but I got a fair amount of all three, so I was wrong. The thing is, when I was younger, before I was adopted, I don't remember struggling with making friends, and I think I was more extroverted. Then, I got adopted and moved to the US (a completely different country); I think I got more introverted. I found it harder to make friends (even when my English was improving). And with my parents forcing me to talk to at least one fellow student a day doesn't help; frankly, I think I became more isolated because of that. I think I am definitely an introvert when it comes to new people, but an extrovert with people I know (Like some of y'all).