I've been agonizing over this topic a lot lately and wanted to drop my thoughts in a little corner of the internet.

So I am a woman married to another woman. My wife also happens to be the only long-term partner I've ever had. However, I'm not a lesbian; I'm a Schrodinger's bisexual, where I have only ever been with a woman, but I have felt attraction to non-women before. But because I am in a strictly monogamous marriage, any attraction besides what I feel for my wife is functionally irrelevant. I am probably bi/pan, but resonate most with the terms sapphic, WLW, or queer based on my lived experiences.

I frequent online sapphic spaces and often get recommended posts from them. Recently, some of the discourse I've seen has been so disheartening. Earlier today, I got recommended a post where people were saying they hate the terms "sapphic" and "queer" because they feel like they are just used because people are just afraid to say lesbian, or only used by people who are "spicy straight". In that same community, I had someone tell me a while ago that I am not in a "lesbian relationship" with my wife, because I am not a lesbian. And internally, that is true -- because the term lesbian does not describe the breadth of my personal attractions, I use other terms. But labels are used externally too: Broader society sees my wife and I, assumes us to be lesbians, and treats us as such. Then, in bi/pan spaces, because WLW pairings are less common, I see much less representation of my lived experiences as a woman married to a woman than I do in WLW/sapphic ones. I often don't feel bi enough for bi spaces because I don't relate to a lot of content there, but the majority of sapphic spaces are called "lesbian" spaces by default, which makes me feel like an intruder/poser for even being there as a non-lesbian. The things some folks in sapphic spaces say about bi women doesn't help. I have had trouble reconciling labeling with what I feel internally versus how I am seen externally, especially after reading enough negative stereotypes and assumptions about bi women (to be fair, I've heard this is notoriously an issue monogamous bi folks face, either "too straight to be gay" or "too gay to be straight" based on who you happen to be dating -_-)

In the end, I know it's counterproductive to dwell on this. Labels are there to help us make sense of who we are, and if they are not helpful, it's not like you have to claim them. But as I've seen posts in communities with people who share experiences with me, it has been exhausting ruminating over the labels I resonate with internally vs. the labels society pushes onto me externally vs. how other people define and interpret and disagree over said labels and the stereotypes people have.

Anyways, now that I've written this out, hopefully it's out of my system and I'll stop compulsively thinking about :,^)

I am newly single. I was on the receiving end of a breakup recently, which was a first for me. This is a level of pain & suffering I have never experienced.

In the past when things fell through with a partner, I would take to the apps and find a new muse to ease the pain of the dissolution of the old connection within a few weeks.

While casual dating and sex was always fun, I don’t want to do that this time around. I want to take my time to heal and repair before stepping back on the dating sex or pursuing any form of romantic/sexual connection.

I am currently receiving weekly therapy. I have no intentions on downloading any dating apps. In fact, I’m repulsed at the idea of dating again. However, I know there will come a time in the near future where I’ll want to be intimate with another woman.

So my question is to my fellow allosexuals, how do you practice sexual discipline?

I have a crush. Typical, yeah, but I have a problem. From my past experiences with girls, my way of approaching them always seemed friendly? Like they never got the clue that I like them. They think I approached them to be just friends, you know what I mean?

This is probably a stupid question, but how do you approach or pursue a woman romantically?? I have this huge fear of making them feel uncomfortable, or that they would think I’m a pervert or a weirdo. I don’t want that. I don’t wanna be straightforward either.

Sorry, I’m not new to this but I also am not the best at this. How do I get them to like me beyond just friends?

Hi everyone. My ex-girlfriend (21) and I (21) just broke up a few hours ago.
I’ve been feeling so drained these past few months, about everything including our relationship. We’ve had a lot of problems and fights, even over stupid things. We haven’t seen each other in months, and I kept telling her that we should meet and hang out, thinking maybe things would get better between us, but she kept brushing me off. That honestly hurt me, especially because she went out with her friend but couldn’t seem to make time for me lol.
We also stopped calling, stopped playing games together, and just stopped spending time together in general. It’s been really hard, and eventually I started seriously thinking about breaking up with her because I felt like I wasn’t in love with her anymore. I do love her, but I’m not in love with her the way I used to be.
So I sent her a long paragraph explaining how I felt, and I wished her happiness and all the best.
What really broke me was her response. She said she felt the same way. She said she thought it was just a phase and that it would eventually go away, but it didn’t. She also said she had been thinking about breaking up with me, but she didn’t because she thought I was already going through a lot and didn’t want to make me feel worse while I was mentally exhausted.
And honestly, it doesn’t hurt me that she feels the same way. What hurts is that this entire week she kept asking me if I was going to break up with her, if I still saw her in my future, and things like that.
I even asked her directly if she wanted to break up, and she said no.
So finding out that she had actually been thinking about breaking up with me too is just really confusing and honestly hurts. I don’t understand why she kept asking me those things if she was already feeling the same way.
I feel like I was the one who had to actually say it out loud, and I don’t know how to feel about that. Like, why did you make me be the one to say it when you were already thinking the same thing?
I’m not even saying I wanted her to fight for us or anything. I just don’t understand why she made me feel like I was the only one who had to make that decision when she was already feeling the same way.

Me and my gf have been dates for two years (we’re both minor and met in middle school) and when k think about the future or my life after HS I get this pit in my stomach I feel like I’m stuck and scared because I want to explore more when I’m of age and there little things we both just don’t agree on (nothing serious just minor things) and I feel so guilty for maybe wanting a different partner in my future. And for wanting somthing different in a sexual way I just don’t feel like we’re a good fit in that way. I know we’re very young g and have only been intimate a few times and I just feel that connection like I once did. I want to break up but other times I don’t want to either because a lot of our friends are mixed together and I feel like I could be over thinking it I just don’t know what to do, I’m sorry this message is scattered and kinda senseless I just need som advice on how to handle this. I’ve been feeling like this for a while.

posted on another page too but kind of been on a spiral I’m a lesbian I’m 26 and I broke up with my long term girlfriend of 2 years who I lived with a few months ago who I still love very much. I broke up with her due to a lot of reasons I’m not comfortable going into online. Let’s just say it was kind of an unhealthy relationship and there were alot of problems

Regardless of everything I miss her and love her still so much months later and I question everyday if I did the right thing. I feel like I ruined my life by leaving her and threw away my one chance at love.
We had a lot of issues and she did too but looking back I’m like “was it really that bad” we had a lot of good too! I get nervous seeing all these horror stories about how awful and small the lesbian dating pool is and I’m an incredibly picky person I feel like I ruined everything and I’ll end up alone forever

Also I can’t reach back out to my ex she wants nothing to do with me and is in a new relationship calling the new girl “my love” on instagram. Please someone give me some hope and reassurance that I’m not doomed due to this decision I made I keep feeling like I’ll never love someone like I loved her

it’s been 4 months since we broke up, but our situation has been so weird and complicated, especially since we work in the same place. what hurts me the most is that whenever i try to explain things from my side, she easily gets frustrated and seems so tired of listening to me.

for context, she gave me trust issues, and i found out after the breakup that she had been admiring one of our friends, someone i had already felt uncomfortable about. there was also this one time when i poured out all my emotions and feelings, only to receive a reply that said, “i understand what you are saying, but i do not feel it.”

all i can say is that we really can’t please everyone, not even those who once said they loved us. we can’t force someone to choose us when, in the first place, we were already just one of their options. and we cannot expect someone to love us as much as we love them.

it’s just so sad to realize that you can be so good, caring, and loving to someone, and yet, after everything, it still wasn’t enough to make them treat you better.

Hi all, it's definitely too early to be making this post, but I can't stop thinking about it so I thought I'd get some perspective.

I met a girl in one of my university lectures last month and found her attractive, so I started talking to her and asked if she wanted to study together. She agreed, and we exchanged numbers. Since then, we've been sitting together in lectures. I know she's a lesbian from things on her bag, but I'm quite straight-presenting, so she probably assumes I'm straight and only interested in friendship.

Last week, we studied together for the first time, and it went well. We quizzed each other and laughed, but our conversations were mostly academic, so we didn't get to know each other much personally. At the end, I asked if she had plans for the following week and whether she was originally from our university city. She answered both questions but didn't ask me anything in return.

Later that day, I texted her for the first time to ask if she wanted to study again this Sunday. It's now been a week, and she still hasn't replied, although there are three days left until Sunday.

If she doesn't respond, I'm unsure how to act when we see each other in lectures the following week. Should I still sit with her? Does she think I'm clingy or needy? Should I compensate by acting cold and distant? I also don't know if she already has a girlfriend, so I should probably figure that out too before I lose my mind.

Thanks in advance!!

I’m honestly not too sure what this is but i just needed to get this off my chest. I’m Female and when im stone cold sober and it’s late and im laying in my bed thinking i think about girls i think about what it would be to kiss a girl or take her on a date/bring her flowers but these are things i could never say out loud.

When i was in school there was this girl lauren and i was her best friend but she was so much more to me, she was my first girl-crush but i never could’ve told her because we both grew up in christian households so being gay was heavily frowned upon. There was another girl too gianna i liked her too but i actually made the move to kiss her, i liked it though it didn’t feel weird or different it felt right.

I’ve never actually dated girls though i’ve only kissed or made out with them but idk when it comes to dating i just feel stuck like i can take girls out on dates and make them feel loved but once it comes to having a label on it i get terrified.Ive snuck girls around my parents once or twice.

Ive only brought home guys to meet my parents though becauseThe first time i came out to my mom she cried and told me i didn’t know what i was talking about, i have no gay cousins but my whole family is once more very christian so im sure coming out wouldn’t end well.

I guess im also scared to tell my friends, i know there not homophobic or anything but they make a lot of jokes and i feel like if i try to have a serious talk about them with a topic like this it’ll end up as a joke and k won’t feel like it’s taken seriously.

i’m not asking for advice or judgment i just wanted to say this and get it off my chest.

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My ex-girlfriend (19) and I (18) were together for about 10 months but we were friends for 2 years prior. She has a difficult situation with her dad being extremely homophobic and would be very upset if he knew we were together. Which is in no way her fault I sympathize with her. Everything was great honestly or at least I thought, until this summer. Ever since summer had started she had pushed me away more. Made zero time for me at all and when I tried to make plans she would come up with excuses. Her dad had no idea we were together and just thought we were best friends. Whenever I brought up something that was upsetting me she would freak out on me saying how inconsiderate I am and how I only think of myself. Her and I were both having family problems, she would vent to me almost 24-7. But when I wanted to tell someone and talk to someone about the thing that had been weighing on me, she freaked out on me.

For more background when we were together she would get jealous of all my friends, she isolated me. When I hung out with my best friend I've had since 1st grade, she said she got uncomfortable that I was around her. So I pushed them away, I thought this was okay because I had her. While she could hang out with random people she met two days prior and go out to dinner with a girl SHE KNEW HATED ME.

Back to the summer. She freaked out on me for asking if I could talk to her about my family, i was sobbing at this point and she told me she "doesn't need someone crying for her for help". Which I wasn't doing, i just wanted to get it out. She honestly knew little to nothing about my home life because she never bc she never asked and she was so busy with her problems I was too scared to say anything. I didn't want to make it seem like I was undermining her issues.

After she freaked out on me, she told me not to talk to her. So I didn't, I left her alone. Days later she comes back to be mad at me for not trying to make things better. I was genuinely in shock. She told me I ruined her? And how she couldn't believe I acted this way. We were really rough for the next few weeks, she didn't seem like she cared anymore but I was so scared of losing my only person. She was all I had, so I didn't break up with her.

A couple weeks later, she told me her and her whole family are moving back to her home country permanently, Argentina. (This has nothing to do with being deported, her, and her whole family has citizenship). I was distraught, and she told me we could make this work. We ended things, she was treating me like shit and I couldn't do it anymore. She had no intentions of coming back to the US, it wasn't going to work.

Fast-forward to a month later, it was now late August. I was finally having fun again. After 10 months of isolating myself and telling myself that I enjoyed being alone, I started talking to my friends again. It made me realize people other than her cared about me. I was much happier, and people noticed.

My ex would still look at my Instagram posts, and I kinda kept her out of spite so she could see I was happy without her. Thats kinda mean but I was messed up. Towards the beginning of September I got a long letter in the mail, of her telling me how she will always love me and I'll always be her favorite. I'll put the letter below but honestly read this note and tell me if she is crazy because she constricts herself a million times

Edit: the note will not let me send a photo so I will copy it digitally

I genuinely dont know if this is a discussion, support or vent :( but I'd like support/discussion pls

Hello, ladies. So I'll try to make this short. I'm bi and always known that but didnt accept it until I was 16 (religious reasons). Around that time, one woman online flirted with me but didn't take us seriously. (I know that's a common lesbian experience). Then a girl in my class was kinda bi but really wanted a bf/dick and would talk about it, which was upsetting. She started teasing me after realizing I had a crush on her. Eventually, we kissed but then she never talked to me after. It was at a sleepover after we all went to sleep but I think maybe the others heard and got uncomfortable so none of them hung out with me anymore :(

It's been 10 years since then, and no women have expressed interest in even being my friend (they always want a guys attention over mine or after we hang out and if I dont reach out we'll never hang out). It makes me so sad. A closest gender fluid (girl) coworker said I have a twink body... idk if that was supposed to be a compliment or not :/ That was the end of the conversation.

A girl recently dm me after a game (no coms) after seeing I had a lesbian +bi pride charm in game and asked if I liked girls, I said yes and she kinda started meaningless flirting. Flirting off the bat like that didnt feel 'good' to me but I tried to lightly flirt back for her sake. I wanted to hear her voice to have SOMETHING to go off of. We had a quick call a few nights later and I thought it was a nice time. She warned me that she was shy so she was a little quiet but other than that everything was fine. I've been asking her how her day is and small talk, but she doesn't really seem to care to know who I am like at all. I honestly thought she was maybe a guy posing as a girl because of the way she was flirting, which is also why I wanted to call. (Come to find out she lives 2 hrs away side note)

Enough of my backstory and back to the main point. I dont feel attractive to women :( I know I'm underweight and probably have been most of my life. I understand that I need to become more comfortable in my skin but I dont see that happening till I gain weight (been trying to gain since middle school). Something you have to understand is that adults, men and women, constantly talk about how skinny I am, so it makes it hard to not be insecure/notice. I also dont feel like I 'appear obviously gay' most days.

Other than the skinny thing I think I'm pretty :) men think I'm very pretty and like to flirt with me, especially older ones 😒 so I know I'm 'conventionally attractive' more so than not. But I also dont wear makeup, and I feel like that would possibly make me prettier?

I had a realization today that no women besides family has ever called me pretty that I can remember. That, along with the twink comment, just kinda feels like a blow.

And cherry on top I have ADHD... so I get excited sometimes and I feel like I'm too much for people. So if my personality is 'too much' and my body is 'not enough' where do I go from here? 😓

Xoxo, your fellow lonely wlw <3