tldr: no short way to put all this, i'm sorry... read or don't read...

This post got removed from r/advice after an upvote with no comment or response for it, and removed from r/abusesurvivors... I wonder how much or how many people enjoy this and how much I will be censored... I believe that we live in a sick world with warped ideas of justice and sick people that want those they disagree with to be portrayed as monsters they never really were... I am a living example of having a difference of opinion and knowing truth and real justice and denied that by being framed guilty while actually being innocent, without due process but by opinions alone because that due process would have proved me right... this post might even be removed from this subreddit as well...

years ago - my own family worked against me, in the shadows of my awareness, for crimes committed by my ex in my sleep made to look like me as some intense substance abuser that I have never been in my life and still not to this day... I am stuck with my parents because I am not safe anywhere else, and even not safe with them by psychological warfare in constant gaslighting to my face and efforts worked against me behind my back, much like my traumas were ensued at all those many years ago, and I have even less memory of it than the ones involved as well as the ones that watched and allowed it all to happen as well as the ones arriving on scene and scrubbing the matter and leaving me for dead by not knowing anything and still being at risk from the real perpetrator that is my child's mother..

I never got my day in court - because even though police were on scene, the entire matter got scrubbed without a case because the entirety of the evidence actually exonerates me - and everyone involved hates that because it means to look at both the ones involved as well as the ones that allowed matters to escalate behind my awareness and knowledge to get to the points of extreme in which were reached...

I begged for cameras to be put up, and they were, so to prevent any matters from happening to anyone at all - as I felt my kids and I would be safe with my ex under the same roof as my own parents - I was absolutely wrong and nothing has been done about it but to make a scapegoat our of me through mental health and fraudulent people posing as people they actually weren't, including girls posing as grown women... nothing has been off limits to try to frame me in, including my own dogs... even my own doctors from the very first doctor - Dr. Patrick Herd - wrote lies in my reports as my own words that I never said myself, and I found out through a VA doctor that didn't even want to correct any of it with me but wanted to give me another doctor instead... This is why I refuse to seek help anymore from doctors...

My parents love to watch violent loud thrillers with screaming and my Dad laughs as loud as he can and my Mom likes to say snarky comebacks as loud as she can - even from the other end of the house, I have to stay in my room to avoid these things and even then I find myself asking them to turn it down because it is all loud enough to travel all the way to my room and with both doors shut..

My previous dog, Rocco, needed to go to the vet, and I wanted to take her and consistently asked my parents to help me with that before i got on a stable income for PTSD from the previously mentioned traumas as well as VA income (not much more than the average full time employee, I was accepted bare minimum for both) - finally, Rocco was making noises in pain and nobody could talk me out of it anymore to take her to a vet - as it turned out, she was in heavy stages of cancer and would be spending the rest of her life in that veterinary clinic and I lost her that very day...

My current dog, Ruby, needed to go to the vet at some point as well - again, consistently talked out of it by both my parents and the vet staff i asked advice from, even after explaining that Ruby was denying food for two days straight, until I finally sounded off like a hypochondriac to get her into that clinic and still being talked out of testing her, I asked them to test her anyway and it turned out she had a small liver infection - we get home and I tell my parents about it, and after all the gaslighting about her being okay from my Dad, he then says "I TOLD YOU SO!"

I'm also a homebody gamer - I was also told of which gaming communities I would join, and I did join them to verify my suspicions in hearing them say their lines they waited so long to finally say, and likely record our conversation in discord as to manipulate later on to also make me look bad...

And now, Ruby is denying her food, even after medication has been given, she's tired of the fish food her vet doctor suggested, and i'm broke now until the end of the month, and she's also denying her other soft foods left over and her dry foods (she prefers soft foods and I don't mind the extra price by quantity in that)... This is now day 1 of denying her food...

my phone is off now because of bills (rent included, all this time) and unable to pay the phone bill, and also why I can't take Ruby to the vet yet either until the end of the month - because aside from bills, my money went into ways of escaping all this madness like video games and dating app features I thought might help any chances of meeting someone and moving on from everything and everyone (which is absolutely stupid, no woman is going to date someone in my position, no house or car of my own because of PTSD, let alone my situation presuming i'm doomed for that as well before anything even begins between us)...

I don't know what to do... my dad said years ago "damned if you do, damned if you don't" and my first doctor said years ago "it takes a village" before I could explain anything myself from my perspective with less memory than literally everyone else around us from excess substances forced into my body...

my life has been ruined, people have been using fraudulent ways to trick me, people have been gaslighting me, and my dogs have been used to make me look like a neglectful person on top of everything else...

I don't know if there is any possible advice for this or any way out of this frame job longstanding still - and I honestly believe my only way out is ending the game of it all myself by ending it all completely...

I can't even believe that people are even allowed to do all of this... over the course of years, patiently waiting to set me on fire, and nobody is ever going to answer for any of it...

I honestly believe the only way out of all this is just ending it myself...

Please - tell me i'm just being paranoid, tell me it's all in my head, tell me i'm the one wrong - and then show me - like I have been begging people to do for years now, only to be met with silence and more psychological warfare and more manipulation around my character as a person... Please, tell me...

I need real advice... Please do not say anything else but real advice, police play dumb and doctors play dumb, and crisis lines play dumb, and legal aide never call me back. so really, what real advice is there actually left??

ok hi, this is my first time posting anything on any social media platform, i just created my reddit account after i saw videos of like people sharing their stories on here and getting genuine advice abt them, and that reddit can be a good place idk ( so pls be nice lol)

what i am going to share and rant abt here is very hard for me to do a lot of advices that i see online is that you have to at least share this with someone so that you don't feel alone bla bla bla but now theres this community i kinda feel like i can share here my story and get help from people with similar experience or heard

but its just that i really cant cuz idk i feel shame and disgusting and that like i will never heal from it and that its not that big cuz there was no like direct r*ape and that people have it worse so mine is irrelevant or it doesnt count as SA or s*xual abuse.

also, nobody in my family or 3 friends that i have know abt this (except for like two we'll get to that later) so yeah ill start now.. ok yall wait im fucking shaking cuz this si gonna be long .

so i am 19 almost 20 (F) and this happened to me when i was like 8 or 9 max.. and the person who did this to me (she's older than me 3 years age gap ) is now 22 were gonna call her Nat so at that time she was 12

so we were at my grandma's house from my moms side and my uncles live there too

so to put a picture on my grandmas house its a villa with three floors , first one the ground one is for my grandparents second is for two of my uncles like two small apartment and the last one is for my other two uncles this is where Nat lives.

so i remember this so fresh like it happened yestrday, she called me over to her house nobody was there exepct for her and her sister but her lil sister was at downstairs.

so i was there with here i remember going in to her room then she called me to wait shes gonna close the door with the key lock. and then told me "listen i am going to show you some things but you have to promise to not say it to anyone or i will never talk to you again" and she scared me so bad and at that time i did not have any friends and she was the only girl that i could play with or talk to like as kids even tho she was super mean to me before this and always bragged to me abt stuffthat my other uncles got her that i didn't have ( mind you i was 8 a little kidd)

so i said yeah i promise I'm good with secrets.

then she opened her fathers laptop, wrote something on google ....

and then pictures, oh my godd, i still cant get it out of my head, disgusting pictures popped out i think u know what i mean but it was just way more and worse, i felt like i was punched in the chest i felt myself breathing very fast and hyperventilating, i felt my eyes popping out of my heaad like i was genuinely horrified and i at first did not fucking understand what i was seeing like i told her Nat what is that what is this stuff and in some pics there was p*nis and she told me giggly its the boys thingie and then i remember telling her while being terrified, Nat that is disgusting i dont like this

i dont remember if i almost started to cry or not after it its really blurry and i feel like my brain blocked half of these things, like i remember before going downstairs while she was opening the door i think cuz my mmom called me or like we were leavings she told me remember this is our little secret nobody has to know abt this or i wil never ttalk to you again

so ok this was the very first time that i was exposed to p***nography i hate this sfuckiing word and theres more like this

so i am going to post more now its just i need a break but you guys tell me if its ok if in use a lil graphic description abt some things that happened to me, idk how ppl do it here.

so i just want to says guys, i dont wanna fucking excuse her what she did idc if she was young and shit she was 12 almost 13 thats kinda old compared to someone who was 8 or 9 but i didnt ask for it, she had a lot of friends and loving parents and a FUCKING LAPTOP she the first grandchild of the family and i am second like even now she has such a narcissitic personality where like she doesnt care abt how people feel or how her words sounds or like she feels super superior.

so yeah

ok im back

so after this, i really like dont remember how i passed my day, its all blur i think mostly shock like as if someone pushed me with force leaving me with chest pain.

so after this ,when we used to go to grandmas house sometime she used to call me upsatirs i remember almost all of them especially i fi focus enough like outlines of memories

so one time she took me to thier living room which was dark we sat in front of the door which faced the outside door with the key lock so that she can hear her parents when they come upstairs. she wrote something and then she put on a p**rn video i still remember almmost all of its i think 10 mins and like even the music i cant fucking get ii out of my head (need advice for these plss)

she told me get up on me like she was laying on her stomach and told me to get up on her and extend my legs and then i remember asking her like doess it hurt i dont wanna do this, cuz the woman seemed like she was crying, she told me yes and described it in a way that is so vile i cant even say it here out of respect, and i swear she used to look at me in such a crazy way like as if shes really enjoying the terror on my face, and then she heard footsteps so she quickly deleted everything like history tabs.... i told her does your mom and dad know, how did they not do something to u or remove the laptop form you she told me " they dont know, and do not say a fucking say a word" she acctually terrorized me with fear, its as if maybe it sounds very light how i am saying but the way she used to grab me and look at me and the tone of her voice ( i really hope you know what i mean by this i was in elementary school) so when her dad came, she switched to a tab of YouTube and her dad came told her hi Nattie he took the laptop i saw him check her history and sutff with a mad face ( he has a resting mad face ykwim) and she seemed like she was goona pee herself and like he gave it back

this is the only p**rn video that she showed me,

she used to sometime show me erotic kissing videos on youtube of like shows and movies idk how she used to find these even some b**reast s**king and disgusting things like that from shows and movies and animes

and she used to force me to kiss her on the mouth and she would like really hurt me even when i try pushing her she tell me angrily this is how it is done. and then get mad and not talk to me so i say sorry

she used to call me to what i thought was "an innocent" sleepover like upstairs at her house but then she'll start kissing me hard really cutting my breath off and breathing hard on me like i would never start it she'll always coerce me into it and i always find it hard to accept especially since we were both girls like one time i asked her that its not good that girls and girls kiss like its wrong especially at this age like its super early and bad and disgusting she told me no dw u r not going to hell bcuz of it its ok l ( this is not abt gender or orientation, ok i was young i thought that everything we were doing was wrong and disgusting)

and what i am going to say next is the reason why i am like this

so sometimes things like this escalate she'll start ..like groping me down there like really touch it and hurt me and i always told her no like its painful she would tell me u will see a white thing coming there dw with a creepy fucking smile while everyone was fucking sleepin

she would take me to the toilet wait there while i started crying and ill see if what she said its true which it wasnt so ill tell her ok now i want to go downstairs back to my mom and aunts and she would let me after a few tries while being mad and thereatening.

omg fuck i need a break

so this is as a whole happened like 4 or 5 times max like the sleepover i am so grateful that i never fucking slept with her , i mean spend the whole night, its usually before midnight i go back downstairs, except one time with her sister bcuz she wanted to kiss me like Nat does which i said yeah cuz i started like accepting itor kinda used to it .

omgg fuckk, i hate myself for this but the thing is that she saw us and the morning she said why tf where u messing with my sister and i said well she asked me to i said yes like u always do

she said i'll go tell mom i remember begging her so hard that i will not do it again she said no while tying her shoelaces and having this cold expression in her face.

she fucking told her mom

you could not imagine how i felt at this moment, the way i was shook to the core, felt disgusting and ashamed and that it was my fault, and the fact she started doing this to me those same previous months... yeah

her mom like almost screamed at me, she really threatened me if i do it again she will tell my mom

i was 10 i think,( sorry guys about the timeline of my age, i really genuinely feel like i was dissociating at that time or after everything that happened, i think its to cope idk, so if any of you guys felt like this after trauma or SA or other things like this please please lemme know if its common)

i told her pls dont tell mom, she said yeah just go, her mom is a bitch too like shes known for making alot of drama and causing problems, she didnt even try to figure out why or who...

i was so fucking mad at Nat, i didnt talk to her, went downsatirs but yeah

this one too its very vivid in my mind.

one time my mom and aunts went to shopping so they decided to leave me and her at a friends house babysitting us.

the girl babysitter was super nice to nat, cuz she knew her and stuff, when the girl was cooking nat, came in and forced me to play asleep so she could do things on my neck and the women would not suspect her

i cant get it of my head fuckk i remember all these like it was yesterday i wanna scream so bad god

when we were sometimes at grandmas she would ask me to come close the door and try to make me naked on the upper side like she will grope me forcefully and place her mouth... it was from a scene of a turkish serie and i vividly recall it

now just like i am saying these are alll the things that happened to me i recall them correctly

the blurry memories are what happened after i left her or more like when she was "finished with me" like the dissociation that happened to me,

so alll of this was like i think for 2 years max, so it was months after her sis incident and i was 10 almost 11 i think.

that when she started distancing herself from me, not coming downstairs when i visit or play with me or talk or chat so i felt used like in my mind i was like" so im only fun for those things " i felt discared.

and you would not believe why tf she did that

thats because she was 14 and hit her puberty

one time we were in the back yard garden and then i told her why did you stop and i had this thinking of omg shes bored of me or im not obeying her anymore..

but what she said was ... how do i put this as if that was the last brink of thin ice for me

she said mockingly and as if "uhhh duhh obviously way" umm its cuz its bad and disgusting and i dont like it anymore ??and SHE HAD THAT SARCASM-FAKING FACE THAT I WISH I COULD'VE PUNCHED IT OUT OF HER RIGHT THERE AND NOW, WHILE LAUGHINGAT my fucking face.

she made me feel as if i was a used piece of shit, disgusted at myself, it almost felt like as if I WAS THE ONE THAT MADE HER FEEL THESE TING FROM MY PART OR THAT I INVITED HERR so that she would be with me as a friend or sister, and it wasnt my fucking faulttt i cried so hard and felt so awkward

so now, we may ask, what a fucking CHILDD NOT EVEN PRETEEN at that age do when he has a secret with his only friend ,he would start loving it or feel like hes super duper important because of that secret.

so that i sensed like i did something wrong . then yeah i think that was 2017 i think cuz i remember yeah these things with her stopped cuz i just lowkey stopped going up to her house or hanging out with her like i focused more so on my other cousins that i always played with even when she was doing all that to me, and then 3 years later came covid, i havent seen her at all those two years even tho we went to grandma house a lot ofc , but she wouldnt come downstairs

( just a note, i became very good at pretending that there was nothing wrong cuz in my brain yeah there was nothing wrong with hiding a secret with my "best friend" and laughing cheekily with her in gathering of lunch and stuff like that WHEN SHE USED TO PRETEND THAT SHE DID NOT SEE ME OR DISMISS ME, cuz i continued living normally when we used to visit grandmas house because all that sit was occasional for her)

now, 4 years ago, 2022, she started coming downstairs again and trying to talk to me normally like nothing ever fucking happpend between us, her treating me with same narcisisitic shit bragging and making herself important.

and i hate her so much i tell my mom and siblings that i hate her but they think the reason is that its cuz she too into herself.

ME at my big age still feel that it is my fault and, that i am disgusting, that i used to look forward to do it with her when i go there even if it didnt always happen when i went to grandmas house thank the lord.

so yeah u guys sorry this is wrong and full of typos i took a break every 20 minutes cuz i cant see from tears lool and my mom is here so yeah

i want advice on this especially like the aftermath that i have dealing with 12 years after like how i am now so i will make another update or post

i really want you to talk to me abt this and tell me if this is SA or not or some of abuse, and respond to where i said i need help on this or the brackets thing.

i genuinly dont know what to do anymore.

none of my family knows about this, not my family or extended family, only one girl that i used to be real close friends with in high school becuase she had a situation with her uncle too , i tried reaching out after high school but she cut contacts with me and moved to canada

thank u so much for taking the time to read this IT SO DAMNN LONG LMAO

Я хотел бы рассказать о своих травмах (моральных) буквально только что я зашёл в какой-то чат там где было куча людей и они все общались, но у 2 парней были явно не все дома...они начали кидать похоть и кровь,мозги и прочее дерьмо...например как муж застал жену за изменой, и достал все внутренности парня...м-да но так как я ещё ваабще не взрослый (мне 13) и да не спрашивайте что я забыл в реддите, но как я знаю он с 13. Так вот и я бы хотел попросить бесплатной помощи от психолога, просто ответьте в мне в ответы и рокажите как с этим бороться? Потомучто я думаю что нормально уснуть не смогу... я нуждаюсь вашей помощи,поэтому я и скачал реддит, ну или просто поговорите со мной, что бы я отвлёкся от этого. Не успел я отойти от грешариков, как тут эта ху...ну вы поняли...

очень хочу отвлечься от этого, поэтому делайте что хотите задавайте мне вопросы, кидайте смешные мемы,лиш-бы мне отвлечься. Спасибо за понимание:)

Same as title

I need advice on what to do next any advice will help. Thanks

Im 17m yes quite young i suppose lets make bullet points to make it easier to read and with time lines

(All things arent of my perspective some are of me getting brainwashed by family members)

1-6 years old - i was so happy a loving family a absolute great dad , grandparents, a great uncle and great mom

7-9 years old - my father became an alcoholic started seeing fights with my mother about his affairs i suppose and i was just a kid didnt really understand it one day my father almost killed my mom and i was really scared my uncle came in our room and bashed his head with a baseball bat and then he ran-away while my mother was cleaning up blood on the floor from her own wound later he got into rehabilitation. My uncle died in 2018 due to a bike accident which left me hanging

9-12 years old - my family moved to our hometown where my father was alright i started going to a new school where i meet a girl (S) i really liked her
And she was the only one i used to talk to because no one in my family was worth talking to i grew closer to her because she was my routine, eventually we started dating and life was great

12-16 years old - things were great with S until she started cheating on me once with my good friend then with a senior then with a random
College guy i used to forgive her everytime because she was my life at that point i had no one but her later my dad fell into depression and started drinking a lot he used to beat me and my mom i never celebrated my birthday because he was with his girlfriend and then came 10th grade he used to say dont cry when im gone i used to laugh it off and then one day his health deteriorated and he eventually died in another city i only saw his remains (his heart) which i had to throw in a holy river (im hindu) then after 10th grade got over my mom left me and i still dont know where

16-17 - i still love S cant get over her while she left me because she was bored , i lost my family , i live with my grandparents who almost all day remind me of how my mother left me and during this period i had diagnosed depression and i started drug abusing mostly weed which i used to smoke because i was too headed eventually got that phase over and here i am Lonely,ambitious and dead from inside

If you have read till here , Thank you absolutely thank youuuuuu

Thank you for your participation! :)

I’ve never told anyone because it’s embarrassing i guess and a little traumatic. I had severe acne as a teen and my parents would pin my down to pop my pimples. They did this multiple times a week for years. My mom couldn’t stand to see the white heads she said she just couldn’t take how disgusting it was. My dad would sit on my legs and hold my arms down while my mom sat on my chest and popped every single pimple on my face. It would hurt so bad and I was scream and thrash around and they just wouldn’t let me go. Then my mom would her done and want to do my back too. So they would flip me over and hold me down again and repeat the process on my whole back. I get these huge pimples and lumps on my back that already hurt so bad and then she would squeeze and squeeze them so I was screaming and begging them to stop while I got screamed at that this is what I get because I won’t wash my face. I was washing the fuck out of my face. As an adult I know what I needed was medical attention and help from a dermatologist, not shame and torture. My entire face and back is pockmarked all over because of the scarring. Scars I wouldn’t have if I could have just been left alone.

Struggling with a heavy mental loop and intense self-blame after an uncomfortable public transit experience.

Today I went through a really distressing situation during my daily commute. A public transport driver acted inappropriately and disrespectfully throughout the trip. Because of shock and the suddenness of it, I just wanted to get away as fast as possible, paid him, and rushed out.

Since it happened, I've been completely stuck in a relentless loop of overthinking. I keep replaying the whole thing in my mind, feeling a heavy wave of self-blame for how I reacted and wishing things had gone differently. It has taken a massive toll on me emotionally and physically, leaving me with a tight chest, deep grief, and a feeling of complete exhaustion.

I just feel so lost and don't know how to stop beating myself up over a situation I didn't ask for. I needed a safe space to let this out.

.

Today I learned that when a person, especially a child, maintains normal controlled breathing when crying with no spasms, gasps, hiccups, etc. it's a form of emotional suppression. It comes down to how the sounds of crying are supposed to alert others, in this case parents, to their child being in distress... but if a kid doesn't cry audibly it's usually because they've learned not to. If a child is ignored, invalidated, or otherwise punished for crying -not for their behavior, but for having emotions- they will learn to cry quieter as to avoid punishment. They'll learn to control their breathing so that only tears will show, because they've been taught that crying is bad.

I cry silently. I have for a very long time, likely since I was around 10 years old. And I know why; my mom isn't kind to me, and I know she wasn't kind to me when I was a child. Even today she reprimands me if I'm "rude" (give concise answers in a neutral tone because I'm tired), calls me emotionally immature for my clinical depression which is just "choosing to be sad", and a couple months ago she grounded me because I was stressed about schoolwork even though I was valedictorian. All my life I've been taught that any negative emotion gets me punished, that I'm only allowed to be happy and helpful or I'm a bad person.

I barely remember my mom from when I was a kid, but I do remember learning to cry silently.

Feeling completely overwhelmed and stuck in a heavy mental loop after a distressing public transit incident. I live in Iraq, where small three-wheeled auto-rickshaws (known locally as tuk-tuks) are a common way to get around. Today, during my daily commute, the driver was acting strangely, repeatedly sticking his hand out. I tried to ignore it and looked away the whole ride, wanting nothing to do with it. Right near the end of the trip, I glanced over and realized he had been making obscene gestures and insulting me the entire time. Because of the shock and suddenness, I kept silent until I reached and just threw the fare at him and got out . To make matters worse, a coworker was in another vehicle right behind us, which made the whole thing feel even more humiliating and anxiety-inducing. Ever since it happened, as a 30-year-old, I've been trapped in a relentless loop of overthinking and mental replay. It has taken a massive toll on me physically and emotionally—triggering persistent chest pain, deep grief, and a harsh wave of self-blame. I feel completely lost, unable to process what happened properly, or figure out how to stop beating myself up over my reaction. I just feel so exhausted and don't know how to move past this heavy feeling.

I need advice from anyone, victims, suspects, bystanders idc.

I have recently found out that my father may have been a predator to a few family members/siblings in my house when I was young. I dont have any recollection of me being a victim but I also dont have much memory of my childhood due to medical reasons.

I was told by one of my siblings, they have mental health problems going on rn and we are not close at all. He randomly messaged the father of my children one day drunk and told him things that happened to him. My husband could tell he was definitely high on something when they were able to talk on the phone. But understandingly my husband took everything he said seriously.

When my husband finally told me I had multiple breakdowns obviously. First thing I did was turned to my other siblings to ask if they were victim as well.

The first sibling I asked is my younger sister that my dad has always favored over me. Ive always been the household joke of the stepdaughter middle child vibe because i wasnt a favorite by either parents. The first thing out of her mouth was her laughing, "Oh my god! I thought you knew?!" I screamed and broke down i blacked out and died inside. Begging her to tell me if she was serious. She continued saying that it was and that her and the other siblings, (the one that told my husband, and another sister) would talk about it when they were drunk sometimes. So she said she heard it from both siblings saying it happened too.

I was shocked scared and could only see red. I have two young children and if they all knew and they had been letting my kids stay at his home without telling me I hated all of them. The sibling that told me was the only one looking after my children and he didnt even talk to me.

My husband was in the room and he said he will never forget the look on my face when she told me she thought I knew. Him hearing that sealed everything he feared so he said he would never let him ever see our kids.

As I started to calm down, stop crying and talk to her she started to change her story a little. Then started back tracking a lot! I understand everyone goes back and forth on trauma so I understand while shes being hesitant on telling me the entire truth. But now its all becoming everyone calling each other liars and now she completely says she didnt say that anything happened.

This is a bridge we can never go back on ever again. My relationship is over with him. Idk if im not being accepting of the situation and in denial but now with my sisters completely saying the other sibling has mental health issues and that its not true. Because he also said things that me and my husband know isnt true either because it wouldnt have been possible.

I dont want my kids to spend the night or ever be alone with my father again obviously.

But am i wrong to be willing to be in a family public area with him and my kids? My husband says its never going to happen.

What do you think?

I live in Iraq, where we use tuk-tuks as a common means of transportation. Today, during a ride, I kept looking away to the other side, noticing out of the corner of my eye that the driver kept sticking his hand out periodically, but I chose to ignore him and not pay attention.

By chance, near the end of the trip, I turned my head and saw him making an obscene middle-finger gesture—realizing that he had been insulting and cursing at me the entire time. Because of shock and the suddenness of it, I didn't do anything except throw the fare at him and get out as quickly as possible. To make matters worse, a colleague of mine was riding in the tuk-tuk directly behind us, which added an intense layer of humiliation and anxiety.

Since then, I have been trapped in a severe psychological state of acute shock, profound exhaustion, and relentless mental rumination. I am constantly replaying the scene in my mind. This has taken a heavy emotional and physical toll, triggering continuous chest pain, overwhelming grief, deep self-blame, and feelings of utter helplessness.

I feel completely lost, unable to evaluate the situation properly, or figure out how to cope with my own reactions and this intense sense of self-betrayal. I just don't know what to do anymore or how to handle this feeling.

TL;DR hospital trauma, family drama, living on five years later

I’ve apologizing for such a long piece in advance. But I really needed to get this out and I really did try to keep things as concise as possible. Thank you for taking the time if you do.

Me (f42) and my sister (f38) we were thick as thieves. When we were teenagers, it was like “ look out. The so-and-so sisters are coming “It’s just the two of us.

That was until I became sick with a condition called GBS. I became paralyzed and suffered extreme pain and was hospitalized for 11 months. When I came out, I was still paralyzed from the knee down. I wear braces in order to stand and use a walker. I am as recovered as I ever will be

Ever since I became ill her attitude and the way she treats me has changed in a pretty radical way. It seems to me that she thinks I should be better. That I’m not reaching some standard that I’m not aware of. I feel like she thinks I’m not trying hard enough that somehow if I did even more Physio, I’d become less paralyzed and that I wouldn’t have chronic pain. That I’m just being lazy.

I’ve worked really hard to get where I am. I’m happy and live a good life. But all of a sudden becoming disabled like this in the prime of my life was a huge crazy change. I had to learn to live all over again. The worst part though was the trauma I suffered in the hospital there’s so many facets to it, but I’ll just talk about one area. Bathing.

A month after I got out of ICU, paralyzed and to touch my skin felt like scraping me w glass. Three helpers that weren’t trained attempted to shower me using a harness that was too big. Hoyer lifted me I fell naked out of it, hung upside down by my legs. Pure agony. These Women got me back into it continued to bring me to the washroom, placed me in an oversized shower chair that I fell through and got stuck in. They started to wash me. I screamed until they stopped and got me back to bed.

I’d get sponge bathed daily. But I was terrified of that shower. Then I started getting comments about my body “your sexy shoulders” “ooh you have nice hips” from make nurses one even told me to have my partner to come cut my pubic hair. I would only get sponge baths from people I trusted going forward.

I’d be naked having my brief changed and on nurse would call another in to chat. Sometimes 4-5 nurses would be chatting while I was being cleaned after a bm. One nurse was so aggressive washing me I actually said to my partner the next day “ I think this is what they talk about when they talk about abuse in the hospital. Am I actually that person?” kind of laughing it off. But I had had to set this woman straight and tell her to quit flinging me around like a ragdoll. The point of this paragraph is that over the months I lost all autonomy over my body.

I had 5 showers in 11 months. Everyone hurt like hell. Everyone had a different way of doing it most very aggressive using body wash in my hair just generally treating me like I was a doll. The drops of water hurt so much because I suffered from centralized sensitization and peripheral neuropathy. My nerves were just turning back on.

I was terrified of the shower afterwards. When I got home, I had one shower in the year after release. I had become scared of being nude.

I decided to colour my hair and asked my sister to do it. We had been colouring each other’s hair, our whole lives. She came over. We did the colour and it was time to wash it out. I started getting extremely anxious. I wanted to wash it out in the kitchen sink. So I said to her that’s what I’d like to do. She said no you’re not, you’re going in the shower. I said it a few more times, she returned with no. I eventually started crying. I was beginning to have a massive panic attack. The thought of the shower scared the living hell out of me. She got in front of me and said “No get the F up in the shower!” I was bawling my eyes out at this point. My little sister was screaming at me again and again to get in the shower right now. And eventually, she overpowered me with words I mean, and I went upstairs and got in the shower.

I haven’t had a shower or washed my hair since. It’s been over two years. My sister-in-law came over a few weeks ago and cut the giant mat that was my hair off my head. I keep myself clean by washing the sink with a cloth. I don’t get infections or anything and I don’t smell. But I am too embarrassed to go out anywhere. I can’t be seen like this. If I do say so, I was a well dressed goth. My hair was always died some wild color. I always had a great haircut. Great clothes I considered myself quite stylish. If I can toot my own horn for a second.

Now I’m excited that they have this kind of soap that doesn’t need to be rinsed off. And I found these shower caps for bedbound people that you can actually wash your hair in the cap and you don’t need to rinse it. I’m excited about stuff like this now.

Will my sister ever know that she took the trauma being naked and manhandled by dozens of people I’ve never met every day and the pain that the shower causes and reactivated it in such a way that I lack that function now?

How do I talk to someone who thinks I’m being ridiculous?

Hey strangers. I’m a 31 yr old female. I left my abusive ex this January, took my 1 year old with me and we’re back at my mom’s. I counted on him financially so whenever I left, I had to make money fast and go back to working with the most toxic work environment I like to call hell. It’s my family’s company. I work along people that still communicate with my childhood rapist (uncle) who is currently out of prison but I have a case against him and he’s a drug addict so hopefully he’ll go back to prison within the next 2 years. Sadly, my DV case against my uncle has been ongoing for 2 years and it doesn’t look like it’ll end anytime soon. My ex, who I have to coparent with, strangled me and hit me so hard that he ruptured my left eardrum. He is now a felon and only for a weekend in jail and 3 years probation. I’m not looking for love, but I also don’t see how I can trust a man ever again. My own dad still talks to his brother (my rapist) and gives him money. My dad’s side of the family tells everyone I’m lying, yet I have screenshots of my rapists wife at the time confessing to it all. I’m trying to stay strong but my head is my worst enemy and I feel like I’m such a bad mom for working for the family business to make ends meet. I make pretty good money there and it’s hard to find jobs that pay equal or more now. I wish I could run away with my daughter.. away from my dad’s side of the family and my ex. What person would want to deal with someone so messed up in the head and no stability? I’m not a damsel in distress, nor do I want anyone near my daughter. I’m full of anger, hate, pain, loneliness, and depression. There’s days where it feels like it’s getting better, but one bad sleepless night and I feel like ending it all.