For years I’ve convinced myself that he didn’t. I used to say I’m glad it was me and not someone else because other girls would’ve killed themselves- but I was stronger than that. I’m glad I could spare them. That even though I dropped out of school, dated an abusive pos, and started drinking all the time- it didn’t matter because I started getting my life back on track. I went back to school. I dumped my pos ex and barely drink.

I didn’t want him to have power over me anymore and used my life as evidence that he can’t control me. I’m married to a lovely man. I’m in law school following my dreams. Everything looks great. I have and accomplished all the things that I thought would make me fulfilled.

But I feel empty.

I can barely have sex with my husband. I hate myself. I can’t believe my husband will love me without my body, which is partially true because apparently nobody wants a sexless marriage.

He really did win in the end- no consequences and he’s married living his life while mine is dwindling away.

I’ve accepted I’ll never be happy. I’ve been fighting for my life for so long and it’s all been for nothing.

Idk why I’ve even tried. Idk why I’m even here anymore. Guess I won’t be

Idk why I'm writing this. I don't even want people to respond. I don't want people. I hate fucking people. I hate the fucking world.

I'm cold and distant. You'll never get a smile from me or a "how are you". You'll never get anything from me. No hugs, no touches. I hate touch- it's just a transfer of energy and who wants other people's shit ??? Not me. I hate people. Hate you all. Your emotions tire me. I don't want to hear how you're feeling or how your life is going. I don't want to hear about your fucking day. Or your hearts desires. I don't give two fucks about you. I want quiet, peace, without any of you. I don't want a relationship, I don't want physical or emotional or spiritual connection with anyone. Soul mates, twin flames, friends- BULLSHIT. Anyone who believes in those things makes me laugh. So naive. So gentle. So fake. Everyone plays the game- they're scared to be otherwise..I am not afraid- of anything or anyone. I've been through hell and all the fires in it and had no one to fight alongside with. Love is pure laughable shit. Doesn't exist. Y'all like to believe it does- but it's all in your fucking big heads. Fuck humanity. Fuck their pretend words. No man exists for a woman, no woman exists for a man, no woman for woman, no man for man. You all just look for someone to fulfill you. Even if you say you don't. No exceptions.

Everyone is the same. Everything is the same.

Fuck you all. And fuck "love".

I will never show my emotions to you or "open up", you pieces of shit, I show them to myself, and I suffer alone, no need for no one, as I give myself to me and only me.

life.

(This post and account will be deleted in about 2 weeks) Government sucks. They will soon bring id verification for social media. This is prolly the last post i will make from this account either by killing myself or just my account being closed. Economy sucks ass and i honestly dont see any way for me to live here. Even when i become an adult it wont change anything. People here are low-tolerance assholes that cant accept ANYONE different, and it wont change. Its only going to get worse from here. The government lives off this shit. "Oh, lets take control of social media", "Oh, there was a school shooting, it was video games, trust us it was because of cracking 90's on fortnite", "Oh, gay people are the devil's children, although, we are the ones leeching money off of the people to do more dictatorial shit, and rigging elections, or, fucking be buddies with terrorists", "Oh, my wife hates me because i have aids and have a small penis", over, and over and over. These pieces of organic garbage would geniunely put a 14 year old who criticized them in prison and let go of a rapist because of low evidence. When i look at my country, i do not feel proud, totalitarian piece of shit goverment, an oppressive islamic population, bad economy, crime rates rising every day, people are stupid. If you say you arent a muslim, you WILL be sent death threats, if you have a different opinion that goes against goverment's moral identity, you will be sent death threats. If you even mention the fact that gay people arent the spawn of the devil, guess what buddy, death threats. I am never more suicidal than when i open the news and see the government being on some privacy invading bullshit. And with how often they are implementing these laws and how casual the public is about it, i doubt there is aaany chance of them slowing down, give it five years and we will be on "Getting out of the country is illegal". Its incredibly frustrating and hopeless to live in this country if you dont suck Erdogan's, definetly micro penis for living. I am 15 and i WILL be jumping down a random apartment if i dont find a way to get out of this stupid country. I am thinking of getting out somehow by going to university in another country, but, unfortunately, my family does not shit money, sure we are middle class, but i doubt thats enough, and i still need to wait 2 years to do that, 2 years is a looooooot if time for our dear government to do more restrictive shit that will make it even harder. I will see government's supporters, froth at the fucking mouth that i dont want my human rights to be brutally violated. AND even if the goverment here somehow got better(that always happens right) there is a huge earthquake awaiting for us that will happen in Istanbul that will likely result in society here collapsing. Yeah thats about all i gotta say. God, i never thought i would be writing stuff in this sub.

I literally just lie in bed all day staring at the walls, staring at the ceiling. I think about euthanasia constantly. I don't get enjoyment out of anything any more, I can't even turn on the TV without turning it off again after 30 seconds. I just want to die but I'm too much of a coward to go through with it.

I'm 41 (F), I have been struggling professionally since I left my previous job. I had a burn out, and alcoholic, and was on medical leave for 10 months. I've got sober during my medical leave but at the same time I started battling with a multi billion dollar company for their civil responsibility for my rape from 6 to 7 years old by more than one employee of their company, in their facilities. I'm single, no kids, no job, no money, and with a very weak mental health, and at the same time fighting this huge legal battle. I can't take this and all the other battles in life. My psychiatrist is drugging me heavily to sleep to avoid my nightmares. I have nightmares of doors that lead to dark rooms and there are monsters inside, if I enter they get on top of my body and completely consume me, it's horrible. I can't stand it anymore, the nightmares, the memories, the pain, the pills, the poverty I'm dealing with because of not having a job/income/security. The pain is turning to be physical - my chest hurts, my head hurts. I have 4k in my bank account and will loose my home. Hell is on earth, I have no doubt of that, I know it since I'm 6 years old.

Anybody else?

Too bad I don’t have a gun.

I call it long term suicide. It started in my late teens when I intentionally got addicted to cigarettes as a means of shortening my lifespan. Then I went to bulimia, throwing up twice a day for years hoping my esophagus would burst. My sister ended up catching on and bringing me to a rehabilitation center against my will. The last few years it’s been a deliberate cocaine addiction. It’s not uncommon for coke to be laced with fentanyl where I live. Often times, late at night, I take about a gram and a half, line it all out, and try my best to overdose. And everytime I wake up the next morning, I feel so defeated. So angry that I haven’t gotten a bad batch. That I wake up the morning after. I want it all to end so badly, but I don’t want to hurt my family or friends. Id rather they just thought it was some accident.

Thank you for letting me vent.

I’m in my 40s and my financial situation and my health just keep getting worse. I have almost no access to healthcare, and I can barely hold down a job anymore. I live in an 8X10 room and I still have to take out payday loans to pay my rent. My car is about to get towed because I can’t afford to renew the registration. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. My situation keeps getting worse and it doesn’t seem like there’s anything I can do to make it better because it’s been getting steadily worse for the last 20 years. I tried to jump off a bridge a few months ago but someone interrupted me. I’m collecting all my leftover xanax, trazodone, clonidine and whatever else I can find and then I’ll scrape together the cash I have left to get some alcohol and then I’ll drive out to a remote location before they can take my car. I was trying to wait until my mom passed away because I know it would be really hard on her (several members of our family have committed suicide) but I don’t think I can hold on for that many years

20M, been abused relentlessly by my parents my whole life and I think they've finally successfully ripped it all from me. Don't tell me to call the cops and don't ask why I didn't just call CPS, I can tell you all about how shit they are at their jobs because they've kept me here over and over. I promise whatever you're going to suggest, I've tried it already. I've been sitting with this since my birth.

Now that I'm grown (and while the abuse still goes on), I've been left with absolutely nothing. I didn't get a diploma because they "homeschooled" me, and the state never really cared enough to check in on that. Don't have a license nor will they let me get one, I live in the middle of nowhere so I can't go anywhere myself. If I leave the house on foot they come after me and physically drag me back home, plus since they've kept me malnourished and sick so I can't run very far (even if I made it, what would I do without a dollar to my name?). Can't get a job because I've done jackshit with my life up to now and the market is falling apart. I have no friends. No personal belongings, because my mom throws them all out. I have to beg internet strangers for funds just to buy food and it feels fucking pathetic. I can see my bones sticking out. My teeth have all decayed because I wasn't given anything to brush them with growing up (managed to remedy this later in life myself but the damage was already done) and it makes me feel so fucking ugly and worthless. It's irreversible damage, not a damn thing is fixing that. I couldn't pay for it anyways! And nobody wants to be friends with you when you're ugly.

I've had a dental abscess for months now and I can't afford to fix it even if I manage to sneak out where these assholes will never find me. My mouth throbs every day terribly but my mom keeps telling me it'll "go away on its own". I spend every day in constant fear trapped in this house knowing it won't, begging and pleading and trying to find some stupid way to afford the root canal because god knows I can't. I've tried crowdfunding, I've tried applying to every job I see, I've tried colleges, it doesn't work. There's nothing. Nothing at all. One day I'll probably get sepsis and it'll take me out. These days I just hope it'll do so in my sleep to finally put an end to this. I hope that when it happens, everyone will know who to blame.

The only reason I haven't done it yet is because of my cat and my boyfriend (god knows how I managed to find someone willing to put up with the mess that I am, but to date he's the only one to ever stay and the only one who ever will) but I think he'll get over me quickly. I've watched his life get better while mine gets worse and worse. He's funny and talented and smart and he's so much further ahead in life than me. I know I hold him back even though he doesn't say it. I'm so tired of being dead weight to him almost as much as I'm tired of being alive at all. He's too good for that, y'know? The longer I'm with him the more I'll hurt him when I die young. It's not right.

I don't even know how I plan to do it. Maybe I'll just swallow everything in the medicine cabinets without a set plan and see what it does. I couldn't care less anymore. It never gets better for people like me. I think some of us were born to die to keep things balanced and even. Maybe I'm better as a statistic or a headline or something. I don't know. Wouldn't that be messed up?

At least I don't have to write a note. Nobody would find it or care what it has to say. I have my door blocked off so I don't think anyone will find my body until the smell gets through the house. My parents always thought suicide was a stupid decision. "Why would you do that over something that's just in your head?" they'd always tell me. Is this a final act of vengeance? Not really. I'll just prove them right that I'm their deadbeat good for nothing son. They'll get to play the victim cards forever as parents of a dead kid. The idea of surrender used to piss me off. I just don't want to give them the satisfaction of being the ones to take me out, even if it's slowly.

How does anyone end these things? I made a throwaway account for this, I don't really use Reddit and I dunno what I even want from posting this. To be seen, I guess. I hope it all ends soon. I really do. However that end may come.

I can even fucking post the full thing here because it's just that horrific. Read this, if you want.

https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalillness/s/G7MRJKlNEy

God please kill me
I just wanna die
No one wanted me to exist
So I should at least have that right
I just wanted love
I just wanted warmth
I just wanted a place where i belong

But in the end, the world has made its declaration
There’s nothing for me here
So please
What will it take for me to disappear

I turn 40 on Friday. I’ve decided this will be my last birthday. I have zero interest in staying.

I’m a terrible person and just want someone to kill me I fucking hate my brain I hate evrything about myself I fucking suck hope I jsut get a heart attack i can’t even kill myself because ill fail at that too

I’m tired of trying to build a life somewhere between ‘I should die early because I’m suffering so much’ and ‘I’m going to die anyway, so I might as well live despite the pain.‘

I need to do it.

I need to do it.

People always like to talk about how some people who try and fail, always regret it afterwards.
It’s been 3 years since my first attempt and I’ve had about half a dozen more since then (either killing yourself is much harder than people make it out to be or I’m just exceptionally bad at it). But I’ve never had a single regret when trying it.

I’ve regretted failing and having to „explain myself“ or seeing the angry faces of people who say they care about me yet never actually show it but I’ve never regretted trying to leave this world.

It doesn’t get better and it doesn’t get easier.
My life feels like a never ending series of disappointments. The little pockets of happiness I get in between feel like a set up to a joke and the following depression is the punchline.
I’m scared that I’ll have to feel like this for another ~60 years before I can leave. I’m scared that one day I’ll wake up, I’ll be old and grey and realize that none of it mattered and I never got the love and the happy life I’ve always wanted. I’d rather die young and avoid all that.

I might kill myself tonight i am just bad at living i think its unfortunate unlucky it was never meant to be type shit idk i have crippling social anxiety and i cannot function in society, if we take the world we live in as a body and those who cannot function as cancer, it is only right for me to kill myself no? it doesnt get better unfortunately it wont get better it never does

Hi I'm 23 years old. I want to kill myself but I don't know a way that won't hurt me. I do not have a future and I have no friends. My family hates me and thinks I'm a burden because I earn less. I am unattractive and I deal with mental health issues so I will never find a partner, and I'm also bisexual. No one has liked me ever. I'm bad at my job and I do not have any skills. I am too scared to kill myself because of the pain. I was thinking of taking a lot of pills at once, so it doesn't hurt. I don't know which day i will be ready to kill myself but I hope it comes soon. I am a burden and the sooner I'm thrown away the better for everyone around me. But I'm a coward so I haven't been able to kill myself.

I finally have the courage to do it iykwim

It doesn't.

I’m 30, male, lost my job, got dumped by my girlfriend, and had to drive 7 hours back to my parents house. I have multiple diagnosis, and have wanted to die since I was a kid. After all the recent happenings, I’m committed to overdosing after I post this. I hope you all can find happiness in your life, to whomever reads this.

i cant do it im buying a gun on saturday plans confirmed i just cant handle this crushing loneliness everyone i care about doesnt even think of me ive cried all day im done

I hope it's cancer 🙂 I'm not even going to worry about seeing a doctor.

Getting cancer would be the ultimate fuck you to my pitiful life.

I can't get a job. I can't get a gf. I can't make friends because most other guys see me as a weakling. And to top it off I'm living with a disability that was cause by another person's malpractice. 🫠

Fuck this world! Fuck this life! I hate it here. Part of me is actually glad that most parts of the world is gradually getting worse. The only people I will ever feel sorry for are the people who are forced to live life on impossible difficulty.