I call it long term suicide. It started in my late teens when I intentionally got addicted to cigarettes as a means of shortening my lifespan. Then I went to bulimia, throwing up twice a day for years hoping my esophagus would burst. My sister ended up catching on and bringing me to a rehabilitation center against my will. The last few years it’s been a deliberate cocaine addiction. It’s not uncommon for coke to be laced with fentanyl where I live. Often times, late at night, I take about a gram and a half, line it all out, and try my best to overdose. And everytime I wake up the next morning, I feel so defeated. So angry that I haven’t gotten a bad batch. That I wake up the morning after. I want it all to end so badly, but I don’t want to hurt my family or friends. Id rather they just thought it was some accident.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Anybody else?

Idk why I'm writing this. I don't even want people to respond. I don't want people. I hate fucking people. I hate the fucking world.

I'm cold and distant. You'll never get a smile from me or a "how are you". You'll never get anything from me. No hugs, no touches. I hate touch- it's just a transfer of energy and who wants other people's shit ??? Not me. I hate people. Hate you all. Your emotions tire me. I don't want to hear how you're feeling or how your life is going. I don't want to hear about your fucking day. Or your hearts desires. I don't give two fucks about you. I want quiet, peace, without any of you. I don't want a relationship, I don't want physical or emotional or spiritual connection with anyone. Soul mates, twin flames, friends- BULLSHIT. Anyone who believes in those things makes me laugh. So naive. So gentle. So fake. Everyone plays the game- they're scared to be otherwise..I am not afraid- of anything or anyone. I've been through hell and all the fires in it and had no one to fight alongside with. Love is pure laughable shit. Doesn't exist. Y'all like to believe it does- but it's all in your fucking big heads. Fuck humanity. Fuck their pretend words. No man exists for a woman, no woman exists for a man, no woman for woman, no man for man. You all just look for someone to fulfill you. Even if you say you don't. No exceptions.

Everyone is the same. Everything is the same.

Fuck you all. And fuck "love".

I will never show my emotions to you or "open up", you pieces of shit, I show them to myself, and I suffer alone, no need for no one, as I give myself to me and only me.

Too bad I don’t have a gun.

Long story short, I (23F) have a narcissistic Mother, She kicked me out of the house and i am jobless. I am in a homeless shelter, and i am going to commit suicide now. Bye i guess.

For years I’ve convinced myself that he didn’t. I used to say I’m glad it was me and not someone else because other girls would’ve killed themselves- but I was stronger than that. I’m glad I could spare them. That even though I dropped out of school, dated an abusive pos, and started drinking all the time- it didn’t matter because I started getting my life back on track. I went back to school. I dumped my pos ex and barely drink.

I didn’t want him to have power over me anymore and used my life as evidence that he can’t control me. I’m married to a lovely man. I’m in law school following my dreams. Everything looks great. I have and accomplished all the things that I thought would make me fulfilled.

But I feel empty.

I can barely have sex with my husband. I hate myself. I can’t believe my husband will love me without my body, which is partially true because apparently nobody wants a sexless marriage.

He really did win in the end- no consequences and he’s married living his life while mine is dwindling away.

I’ve accepted I’ll never be happy. I’ve been fighting for my life for so long and it’s all been for nothing.

Idk why I’ve even tried. Idk why I’m even here anymore. Guess I won’t be

So, I’ve set a deadline. I have a date. If life does not improve and I am still in the same rut by that date I am gone!
I have been actively trying to recover from mental health issues for over a decade. I’ve done the medication, the therapy, the journalling, the exercise, the socialising, eating right, working hard, being a good person, getting a masters degree, grafting on my career, building hobbies, trying to make new friends.
Nothing changed.

I have no other options. No other energy left, and the relief I feel after making this decision today is just beautiful.

I am gonna give this life thing one last shot, but I feel so free knowing it’s no longer a limitless uphill slug anymore. There’s an end point, regardless of the outcome.

life.

I’m 30, male, lost my job, got dumped by my girlfriend, and had to drive 7 hours back to my parents house. I have multiple diagnosis, and have wanted to die since I was a kid. After all the recent happenings, I’m committed to overdosing after I post this. I hope you all can find happiness in your life, to whomever reads this.

20M, been abused relentlessly by my parents my whole life and I think they've finally successfully ripped it all from me. Don't tell me to call the cops and don't ask why I didn't just call CPS, I can tell you all about how shit they are at their jobs because they've kept me here over and over. I promise whatever you're going to suggest, I've tried it already. I've been sitting with this since my birth.

Now that I'm grown (and while the abuse still goes on), I've been left with absolutely nothing. I didn't get a diploma because they "homeschooled" me, and the state never really cared enough to check in on that. Don't have a license nor will they let me get one, I live in the middle of nowhere so I can't go anywhere myself. If I leave the house on foot they come after me and physically drag me back home, plus since they've kept me malnourished and sick so I can't run very far (even if I made it, what would I do without a dollar to my name?). Can't get a job because I've done jackshit with my life up to now and the market is falling apart. I have no friends. No personal belongings, because my mom throws them all out. I have to beg internet strangers for funds just to buy food and it feels fucking pathetic. I can see my bones sticking out. My teeth have all decayed because I wasn't given anything to brush them with growing up (managed to remedy this later in life myself but the damage was already done) and it makes me feel so fucking ugly and worthless. It's irreversible damage, not a damn thing is fixing that. I couldn't pay for it anyways! And nobody wants to be friends with you when you're ugly.

I've had a dental abscess for months now and I can't afford to fix it even if I manage to sneak out where these assholes will never find me. My mouth throbs every day terribly but my mom keeps telling me it'll "go away on its own". I spend every day in constant fear trapped in this house knowing it won't, begging and pleading and trying to find some stupid way to afford the root canal because god knows I can't. I've tried crowdfunding, I've tried applying to every job I see, I've tried colleges, it doesn't work. There's nothing. Nothing at all. One day I'll probably get sepsis and it'll take me out. These days I just hope it'll do so in my sleep to finally put an end to this. I hope that when it happens, everyone will know who to blame.

The only reason I haven't done it yet is because of my cat and my boyfriend (god knows how I managed to find someone willing to put up with the mess that I am, but to date he's the only one to ever stay and the only one who ever will) but I think he'll get over me quickly. I've watched his life get better while mine gets worse and worse. He's funny and talented and smart and he's so much further ahead in life than me. I know I hold him back even though he doesn't say it. I'm so tired of being dead weight to him almost as much as I'm tired of being alive at all. He's too good for that, y'know? The longer I'm with him the more I'll hurt him when I die young. It's not right.

I don't even know how I plan to do it. Maybe I'll just swallow everything in the medicine cabinets without a set plan and see what it does. I couldn't care less anymore. It never gets better for people like me. I think some of us were born to die to keep things balanced and even. Maybe I'm better as a statistic or a headline or something. I don't know. Wouldn't that be messed up?

At least I don't have to write a note. Nobody would find it or care what it has to say. I have my door blocked off so I don't think anyone will find my body until the smell gets through the house. My parents always thought suicide was a stupid decision. "Why would you do that over something that's just in your head?" they'd always tell me. Is this a final act of vengeance? Not really. I'll just prove them right that I'm their deadbeat good for nothing son. They'll get to play the victim cards forever as parents of a dead kid. The idea of surrender used to piss me off. I just don't want to give them the satisfaction of being the ones to take me out, even if it's slowly.

How does anyone end these things? I made a throwaway account for this, I don't really use Reddit and I dunno what I even want from posting this. To be seen, I guess. I hope it all ends soon. I really do. However that end may come.

I literally just lie in bed all day staring at the walls, staring at the ceiling. I think about euthanasia constantly. I don't get enjoyment out of anything any more, I can't even turn on the TV without turning it off again after 30 seconds. I just want to die but I'm too much of a coward to go through with it.

Hey everyone. So since this sub is filled with absolute tragedy I'll keep mine a bit short.
I'm going to end myself.
I'm completely alone and that's the truth.
I have no doctor, no friend, no third person, no parents who ACTUALLY listen, no authority, no future, no life, and just no chance.
I don't want to take any chances anymore.
Months ago I told myself that maybe I was wrong. Maybe there WERE people who COULD understand.
I won't say Humanity is terrible. What I will say is that I was only exposed to the wrong side of it.
I won't try crying or begging for your attention further since I don't want anyone to care anymore.
But my point for this post is, if there's ANY. ANY DAMN POINT.
Beside just waiting till it gets better, please tell me.
And I genuinely mean that. I'm not conducting some damn test.
I'm just asking one last time.
If there isn't be honest.
And forget coming across this post.
Thank you, and goodbye.

This is probably gonna be long and boring and I don’t blame if you don’t wanna read

I’ve had bipolar 1 with psychotic features for half my life now. I’m 35. I had a SA in January where I was in the ICU for 3 days, I now have to get a brain MRI next week to make sure I didn’t do damage or already had it, but wtf does it matter? I’ve had four inpatient stays in the hospital in a year otherwise. I’m so fucking miserable and I just lose more and more support the better of a person I try to become. It’s like people actually liked me when I was a shit show. It breaks my heart cause I think now all my friends I had I was solely just entertainment for them. I have an elder dog I’m doing everything in my power to hold off for, but what do I do for my younger dog? I’ll never put her in a shelter, she doesn’t deserve that. I could give her away but I feel like some POS will flag me for doing so. I just want wants best for my dogs cause I’m simply no longer ok to stick around life anymore. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard, I don’t hate life I actually really like it but something is just fucking wrong with me. I’m so sick of being sad, and I also have some physical problems that are causing serious pain that are contributing to my alcoholism. I love to drink, don’t get me wrong, but I went five years without it and now I’ve been dealing with such serious neuropathy problems and neck pain I do anything to distract myself. If it’s not alcohol, it’s another drug, or gambling, or whatever else I can do. I don’t even know why I’m posting. I’m trying so fucking hard to survive, but I’m so tired of not sleeping, then sleeping for days, no energy ever, no happiness in the little things anymore, and truly getting to the point I only want my dogs to be ok. My family doesn’t love me, I don’t blame them. I just want to be gone already. I’m trying so hard to stick it out because I have no fucking people in my life that would do me good and make sure my dogs are ok. But I don’t have much energy left to even stick around for them

I’m 28. I just think it’s time to call it quits. I can’t get a job been to everywhere bear me (small town if I got part time in the nearby larger “city” I’d make like 10 dollars a week cause of gas) it doesn’t matter I wasted my life getting a computer science degree have no friends no anything wish I wasn’t born as me and well should have just killed myself at 19. I’ve been to therapy taken meds recent hospital visits and nothing will help me. I’m just in ugly socially enept loser that should never exist.

all what I do is apply help family with work or grandparents to hospital visits and I’m just ridiculed for not getting a job or a girlfriend. my family won’t miss me for me but the utility I give for free (I guess im not homeless but it doesn’t matter). I’ll just kill myself near christmas cause I know I’ll just get more why arnt you trying xyz and I do but nothing works.

I've been depressed for a year and a half, and this all started when I was 19. I'd never experienced depression before. I finished school two months ago, and my mother says I don't want to work and that all I do is sleep. She hasn't worked in 15 years and says nobody will hire her because of her age. She's 52 and perfectly healthy.

I was attending a vocational school because I don't see myself as capable of achieving anything better, and I used to give her all my money at the end of every month. She also received my child benefit and part of my minimum income support, because she receives it too and I had to be included in her claim.

I was born as a result of an affair, and for years I had to listen to stories about my biological father, as well as his girlfriend telling me about the things she used to do with him. I was around 11 years old at the time.

My mother is the reason I'm in this state. When I was 9, I was sent to a children's residential home, where I witnessed all sorts of things over the course of a year and eight months. My mother was evicted back then because she wasn't working, and now we're going to be homeless again in a month. This time, though, it's because the landlord wants to sell the house, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Will God punish me for this? Will I be punished for all eternity, forever and ever? I can't live a normal life. I'm constantly suffering, and I haven't received any treatment for six months.

I'm not gonna change my mind,because I'm gonna be homeless soon.

Thank you!

i cant do it im buying a gun on saturday plans confirmed i just cant handle this crushing loneliness everyone i care about doesnt even think of me ive cried all day im done

Any tips would be appreciated

I just typed a hour long OCD symptoms in a OCD group and it got deleted because you are not aloud to talk about OCD in a OCD group….. Half my posts I make get deleted and I feel so suffocated right now because there is no help here. I finally had the guts to type out something I have been suffering from for decades and it got deleted. I guess I have no voice and I should just give up on trying to seek help.

18 never had a real job, antisocial as fuck, dependent as fuck, and contribute to nothing basically, i spend any money that i get on video games. i see my future and it is not bright so i might as well get it over with and hang myself or something so i can stop being a burden leech, im a failed daughter😂✌️

Seriously.

I’m a terrible person and just want someone to kill me I fucking hate my brain I hate evrything about myself I fucking suck hope I jsut get a heart attack i can’t even kill myself because ill fail at that too

Just like the title says, thinking about suicide just gives me a really good feeling. I've done a lot of drugs, and I feel like suicide would be better than any feeling I've had after taking some drugs. No more stress, no more worries. I still haven't decided if that day comes what I'll commit suicide with, probably I'll do some crazy drug doses, that could maybe kill me, then shoot or hang myself, something quick preferably.

I've also thought of overdosing as a way, but that doesn't sound quick, nor pleasant. The only reason I wouldn't shoot myself is because of how attractive I am. Not that it would matter when I'm dead, but it's literally the last thing I'd do.

anyways, thought I'd post here. >. <

Throwaway acc for obvious reasons

I (23M) have had a very pretty shit upbringing, and today i decided to end it all, i did everything right or so I thought, i took a lethal amount of zolpidem, ontop of that i downed a bottle of my favourite whiskey, then i went to sleep thinking i wouldn’t wake up, yet I threw it all up in my sleep? I don’t want pity I just want to know why did I throw it up in my sleep?

TW: Mental Health and Suicide

I’m (15M) so sick and tired of the way my dad acts. He genuinely makes me want to kill myself.

My dad chooses not to get physical when he gets angry. Instead, he decides to be emotionally manipulative and narcissistic. He will then proceed to go on about how if I were born into any other family, that father would “beat the shit out of me”. These were his exact words, by the way.

He says that I always need to be right when I correct him on information that, I know for a fact, is incorrect. Apparently, standing up for myself and actually doing research is a horrible quality that I need to change. However, he does the same exact thing. He cannot handle being wrong.

Two years ago, I was a bit overweight because of issues with depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety. He then started calling me “fatty”. Mind you, this man is overweight and gets zero physical exercise. Now, I’ve mostly changed my life around and am much more fit. He now constantly reminds me of how I used to be a “fatty”.

Another thing that he loves doing is denying the facts about my health and my brother‘s health. I get motion sick when going on anything like roller coasters or go-karts or even buses. He refuses to believe that I actually get motion sickness. The situation with my brother is a lot more serious. My brother is allergic to peanuts. My dad refuses to believe it.

He‘s such a horrible person. He has said both the n-word, the gay slur, and the trans slur casually at the dinner table. It hurts even more because I am gay. I would never tell him that, though.

He loves to say that I absolutely hate him and disagree with him on everything. Most of the disagreement is due to me not being him. I do not like the same things as him, and apparently that’s because I absolutely despise him. I do not fully hate him, I heavily dislike him, but not hate. I just cannot take it anymore.

An excuse that he comes up with for a lot of this is that he was born into a poor family. I heavily disagree that being born into a family with lots of money gives you a free pass to being an asshole, but that’s just me.

He absolutely sucks the life out of me. All my energy is just gone after having an argument with him.

The amount of times I have seriously considered suicide is far more than I could ever recall or that I would like to admit.

I have a little over two years before I get to move out. I don’t know if I can hold on for that long. I don’t know how long I will be able to hold on before at least attempting suicide. I don’t think I can wait two years anymore.

It’s not entirely him, though. I’m not the most stable person. Maybe two days out of the week I’ll already be suicidal and depressed, the rest of the days I’m completely fine. I just wake up like that, completely random and abruptly. But it also happens after an argument with my dad, and it’s quite a bit worse.

About a week ago, I got into an argument with my dad after I corrected him on information I knew was incorrect. He accused me of always wanting to be right. It was horrible, I cried a lot. I had an absolute mental breakdown. I posted a lot of stuff about me wanting to kill myself. I didn’t even make a suicide note. I put a knife to my wrist but was too scared to go through with it.

Sorry about the absolute essay of a post, but I just need to let out some steam.

I am tired of my life. I have been gambling for 9 years nonstop and I am only 28 years old. I have never managed to save more than 3000 euros ever, I always lose all my income, all my winnings, debt, etc... I am currently 20000 euros in debt, and I have nothing. I feel my life is completely ruined and that I could never fix it. I have been seriously trying to stop gambling for the last two years. Relapses are even worse than just casual gambling. No purpose in this life. I feel I am full of emptiness. No idea how to pay back debt. Nobody could help me. I have nobody. Lonely. Broken. Broke. I have not played for 3 months now, using my salary to pay back small amounts of debt and survive, I keep resisting temptation to play. The effects of gambling for years are still killing my brain even 3 months after stopping. The debt is adding too much stress. I am exhausted. I feel I ruined my life with my own hands. I am 28 years old, but I feel 80. I just want peace. The end seems to be soon. Gambling destroyed me.