I might literally just hang myself right in the middle of the living room at this family reunion to prove a point that I matter and that all of you were just bystanders when I was getting bullied/abused/neglected.
When I explained my health issues to my mom and aunt. They dismissed it. And I started to get frustrated and told them that the reason why it even got to this point is because my mom and dad never took me seriously when I told them. And they let it get bad.
When I've been telling them, YEARS that I'm in pain. And when they do take me, at that point, whatever body part was affected is now too late to fix and I have to sit with it for the rest of my life. And immediately the PTSD kicked in and I immediately had a mental break down. I've gone to so many doctors across the world. Making the appointments for myself only to just be ignored when I also them to take me to go do a follow up.
I sobbed and yelled at her saying that she doesn't get it. And that my aunt (who was next to her) just watched me get beaten till black and blue and my nose bleed as a child. I'm heavily frustrated. I wish I could just, get over it. I keep remembering those moments and it doesn't help to just, come to terms with it.
I take my meds. I do what I can. But in the end, I'm not even getting support from the people around me who are supposed to love me and help me. Why do you even claim to love me if you don't even like me?
Why tell me that I'm lucky that my mother hadn't just killed me that day and that I'm lucky to have parents? Why are you even comparing me to the orphans in the orphanage that want and need parents and not comparing yourself to the couples who yearn for a child to love and be responsible for? I'm literally trying my hardest to just keep breathing. And the more I live on, the more I realize that there aren't many reasons to look forward to my future. I don't have any goal or something I want to do.
All of my future is forced on me. And when I reject the idea, all I have is to be backed into a corner and just suck it up.
And the more I want to force myself to understand and hang on. The more my arms get tired and just want to let go and drop. There isn't exactly much to hang on for.
Because when I wanna tell someone that is supposed to love me and just like me for me and not for what I can do or exist for, I just get disappointed over and over again even though I had already understood that nothing would change. And I mourn for myself the disappointment every single time I try to look for it.
Guys, please love your kids because you do and not because you have to just because it's your kid. That child is your amanah and many people want kids but don't have the Rizq to do so.
Don't compare them to the orphans in the orphanage that want and need parents and compare yourself to the couples who yearn for a child to love and be responsible for.
Because at the end of the day, there's always a kid who wanted their parents to just love them without being stuck in a limbo with the thought of whether or not their parent likes them. And no child should go through that.
I know Allah is always with me. But when the people around me, dismiss my pain with saying, Allah is always with you and to just stop crying. Calm down, and enough is enough, I lose my faith and I lose my trust in Islam.