I am pregnant and have hyperemesis gravidarum, and my husband is upset he’s had to help around the house. We have been married for 2 years. In the 1st trimester, I was throwing up all day long and going to the hospital often. Now, I’m 17 weeks and only throw up if I over-exert myself. I still work full time, and at the end of my work day I feel very sick. I often throw up after work. I try cleaning the house, and it makes me throw up every time. I still try to help out, but I have been slacking. This has been making my husband very upset, because he thinks he should only have to do outdoor chores. He says a wife’s role is to take care of the house and children, but I believe that would only be the case if I was a SAHM. And he does not want me to stay at home. He wants me to work full time so I can pay half the bills. I feel like I’m never enough, and I should be allowed to ask for help while being sick and pregnant without being shamed constantly. Any advice?

This past year was really hard for me, I was hospitalized and had to do a full reset for my mental health. During this time around June, I began taking zoloft along with other medications to help. Eventually when I got to around 100MG I lost my libido almost entirely. No matter how much I want to I just cannot work up the nerve to have sex. My husband takes it all personally and thinks it’s just about him. He gets upset and tries to push the boundaries all the time and convince me to have sex. I have been so uncomfortable with it lately and don’t know what to do. He’s talking about it every single day and acting and touching me sexually, while I tell him I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do. He won’t do therapy, he won’t listen to me. He would rather me off medicine so we can have sex. Has anyone had this experience with an SSRI in their relationship, and how did it work for you?

About two months ago my wife randomly started packing my lunch. Normally I make my own lunch and I've never asked or hinted for her to do this. I greatly appreciate it, though I low-key like it when I make my lunch better. She packs less snacks and more fruits and vegetables. I have been getting a bit of a belly so I kinda think this is her loving way to tell me I'm gaining weight. Regardless, I took the hint and started working out again. Anyways, just wanted to show my appreciation!

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have two young children. We've been struggling for months, and she's told me she no longer feels emotionally connected or romantically attracted to me. She's mentioned separation and divorce, although she recently said she's 90% against divorcing.

I acknowledge that I've made mistakes over the years, particularly being defensive, critical, and trying to justify myself instead of listening to her feelings. I'm actively working on changing those behaviors through individual therapy, reading articles and watching marriage videos.

We're attending marriage counseling and reading Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. She acknowledges some progress but says she's emotionally exhausted and doesn't have the energy to put much more effort into rebuilding our relationship.

Yesterday we had a good session with our therapist, and had dinner by ourselves afterwards. It was there she mentioned being 90% against divorce and referenced she believes we're stronger together, our kids, and the life we've built. I was feeling more hopeful than I had for months. Then last night she said that maybe she should move into the basement for her privacy. She mentioned not feeling like a married woman and being miserable because of it. She even mentioned a hypotetical separation where she would date someone else to see if we're meant to be together. I shut that down right away and let her know that's not something I would accept. I brought up Gottman's book and pointed out that she's not always the most active with the material, specifically the parts where we're supposed to think of all the positives about our spouse. I also mentioned her words of not having the energy to put in more work, but that I don't know how to fix things on my own, that it needs to be both of us. She took this as me being defensive again.

Today, she's been sending me videos and articles about defensiveness, saying I still don't understand and that she can't take it anymore. I feel like every attempt to explain my perspective makes things worse. She'll mention that I've made changes in the past to her concerns, but it always comes back "in a different form."

I love my wife deeply and desperately want to save our marriage, but I'm terrified of pushing her further away. I also feel like I'm walking on eggshells, afraid that one wrong conversation will be the final straw. She has told me multiple times how I'm an amazing husband and father but that doesn't mean I'm the right husband for her. As a catholic, divorce is not an option for me, I'm doing everything I can to try and fix things but nothing seems to connect.

For anyone who's been through something similar, how did you rebuild emotional connection when one spouse was already checked out? How do I take accountability without losing my ability to express my own feelings?

Please help, I'm beyond desperate.

After this many years together this is what I get in response. Every fight about me having a date or surprise set up turns out this way. I feel like he thinks Im not worthy. Ive been with this man since 14 and him 15. I thought as adults. Things would get better. We have had some pretty hard ups and downs. But one thing thats always remained the constant is his lack of showing me affection. It went from cute things here and there years ago. To now it seems like my every move and word is just an annoyance to be around. Bringing up a date just results in nothing. I want to cry. But I cant anymore. This is his reasoning every single time. But ive seen him first hand for others like his friends set up hang outs and surprises.

I need help from other people that understand-

I hate that I can’t shake this constant feeling like my wife is always doing something behind my back. Whether it’s texting another guy late or phone calls when I’m not there or traveling to meeting up with this one guy, again when I’m not there or traveling for work, it’s a constant state of being on high alert.

She swears she’s doing nothing wrong and the guy is just a coworker and a friend (yeah right). How would she feel if I was hiding text or even just texting another woman at 11m or sending kiss emojis (like she has to him) to her or hanging out with another woman behind her back. Especially one she’s never heard of or that I mentioned before.

How would she feel if I was talking about her behind her back to this woman (she has done this to me on many occasions). Or if I brought our daughter to meet her (wife did this with our daughter and brought her to her job to meet him) and she gave her a hug (like he did our daughter on multiple occasions and my daughter felt it was weird).

She has even said she missed him in text, but will never mention him discussion. She apparently tells him everything and I feel threatened and like I’m being pushed aside. I’m extremely uncomfortable with her relationship with him and she gets mad if I bring it up.

Just not fair that I feel this way all the time. It’s. I way to live but I need her healthcare benefits, we have a kid together and we have some much financially intertwined. Just don’t feel like I’m married anymore. I feel like I’m second fiddle regardless of what I’ve done.

Just helps me to get this out.

I’m a woman in my 30s, married, and living in the San Francisco Bay Area. My husband and I have a six-month-old baby. I’m starting to suspect that he may be cheating on me, and I’m trying to figure out how to establish the truth rather than continue second-guessing myself.

There are several things that, individually, might have innocent explanations. But together, they have made me increasingly suspicious.

1. Frequent ATM cash withdrawals

He regularly withdraws cash from ATMs, usually a couple of hundred dollars at a time. When I ask him about it, he says he needs the cash for tips and miscellaneous expenses. I don’t know exactly where the money goes.

1. A discrepancy with his massage package

He enjoys getting massages, and we occasionally go together for couples massages at a legitimate establishment. I have no issue with him getting massages.

The concern is that he purchased a 10-session massage package, but he appears to have visited for more than 10 sessions. However, the massage pass doesn’t show those additional visits as attended. I don’t understand how that discrepancy can be explained.

1. Massage appointments close to closing time

He tends to visit massage places shortly before they close. He says they accept clients at the last minute, sometimes right before closing. I find this explanation questionable, especially when the appointments are so close to closing time.

1. An unexplained $1,000 withdrawal

In January this year, he withdrew $1,000 in cash. I have no idea where that money went.

1. A $200 withdrawal and a suspicious October outing

He withdrew another $200 in September.

In October, while he was on paternity leave, he said he was going on an off-site outing with his office colleagues. About an hour before he left, I asked him where they were going. He said he would find out later. I found that strange because I would have expected him to know the location or have some idea of the plan.

When he returned, he told me that dinner at an upscale restaurant had been cancelled and that the group had eaten at McDonald’s instead.

I checked his phone’s location history and saw that he had spent approximately an hour at a residential apartment before going to McDonald’s and then coming home.

I have no independent confirmation of what happened at that apartment or who he met there. But the combination of the unexplained stop, the vague plans, and the story about dinner has made me very suspicious.

What I’m struggling with

Whenever I question him, I get explanations, but the inconsistencies remain. I don’t want to accuse him of something this serious without understanding what actually happened. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore warning signs or spend months being lied to.

I have a six-month-old baby, and I need to think clearly about my future and my child’s well-being.

For those who have been through something similar:

\- What would you make of these circumstances? Am I overlooking plausible explanations, or are these reasonable grounds for concern?

\- How can I establish what is actually happening without relying on guesswork or getting drawn into endless arguments and denials?

\- Are there lawful, practical ways to verify what happened during that apartment visit or investigate the unexplained massage visits?

\- Would hiring a licensed private investigator in the San Francisco Bay Area be worthwhile in this situation?

\- If you discovered that your spouse was cheating, what evidence was most useful in establishing the truth?

I’m looking for practical advice from people who have dealt with similar situations, particularly those with experience in California. Please be honest with me, even if you think there may be innocent explanations. I want to know how to approach this intelligently and protect myself and my baby while figuring out what is really going on.

Please see: everything we have, financially is in a joint account. Savings in banks, stocks, our house, cars etc

My wife and I have been together for mote than 10 years. Our relationship is great, sex is great, but it appears that she has a higher sex drive than I do. As of now, we been having sex anywhere between 3-5 times a week. Over the past year i been getting woken up in the middle of the night to sounds of her moaning and to the sound of her vibrator. I work up to 10 hours a day and I am usually up by 4:00am. Being woken up in the middle of the night causes me to feel very tired throughout the day as I am not getting a full nights sleep. I been wanting to talk to her about it but I also don't want to shame her or make her feel bad in anyway. Any ideas?

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Me and my wife so that in law she could come with us at our house for a while since in Puerto Rico they're having trouble with the water and the light and she just needed a break from it so we decided to let her to stay with us for a while.

Where frequently active sexually and when she is here we can't be as free as we want to be. After a while it starts getting annoying. So this morning we were having our time woke up my wife to have sex in the morning and she loved it and then while we were into it and getting there I don't know where our lights start turning on.

Now we are at the other side of our house cuz we have a mini apartment room that we have within our house that we stay there to have our privacy and we put my in-law on the other side of the house. But sometimes in the morning She like to open the door and coming into our room without permission thinking she has a 10 year old daughter.

Early this morning while we were doing it our lights started turning on and the door was opening and then she heard my wife moan and then left.

At least my wife was able to finish but I wasn't but I'm just happy that she was cuz she gave me a good night last night.

What I do in this situation to not be annoyed cuz right now she is not leaving until the end of November. My body Language shows that I don't want her there but I'm trying to just keep it in the mean time.

My husband and I both have an extremely high sex drive and always have. We average probably 1-2x a day and do other stuff even more. We have recently started discussing whether or not we are ready for kids. We both agree that we are but im just wondering if its possible our sex life can still stay the same. I know that immediately after there will be some changes but is it still possible to keep this up? Has anybody in a high libido relationship maintained that after kids? I hear so many stories about how sex just completely stops after having kids but its something thats a big part of our relationship.

Dated 5 years, married 26. Empty nesters.

My wife is no longer investing in our marriage. I kept ignoring the signs, but they are hard to ignore. For example, I'm healthy, run, try to stay active, but I had a short medical incident and during my recovery, she never attended one doctor visit with me. For our 25th anniversary I [REDACTED LIST OF CUSTOM GIFTS SO I DON'T IDENTIFY MYSELF] - she gave me nothing, not even pitty sex. When I ask to be intimate, she agrees, on the condition we can do it later - of course months and years pass and later never comes. Lately she keeps pointing out divorced men or marriages in trouble adding commentary like, "I would be a vengeful b*tch."

I've raised these concerns, but she gets defensive citing that doing chores, contributing to the expenses, and running errands is enough evidence that she is investing into this marriage. When I inquired about being intimate, she said "it's not worth her time." She's had a hysterectomy, I'm not a doctor, but I don't think this is related to menopause. I think she just doesn't care.

Maybe I'm just venting, but any advice?

EDIT: I didn't mean to portray her as mean spirited. She's actually quite funny and compassionate. For the past five years, she simply does not seem to be interested in investing in the marriage.

39M here. I've been struggling to understand my wife's (32F) decision-making about our bachelor/bachelorette expectations. I'm curious whether outsiders could offer valuable insights.

Months before our bachelor/bachelorette, she brought up that she didn't feel comfortable including women in my bachelor party under any circumstances because it gave her anxiety and might prevent her from enjoying her bachelorette. I had no problem respecting her wish, and I've been to my friend's bachelor party. We didn't really have women involved- just hung out at a bar like brothers' time. I talked to my brothers about hosting a huge Airbnb alone, no women, and ended up booking an Airbnb in the middle of nowhere.

She went ahead and had her bachelorette in Las Vegas. She wanted Magic Mike, and I shared that I felt she had expectations of me, and it wasn't fair if she didn't follow through. She called me dumb and insecure. Magic Mike is just a show- nothing else. She shared her experiences at Magic Mike, including touching and lap dances. However, she still stood and said it wouldn't happen this time.

Another thing: she said she didn't trust my friends, even after I told her I went to their bachelor parties and nothing happened. She said her friends wouldn't encourage her, but she still questioned my friends.

Right before bachelor/bachelorette, she mocked that she should have a better time because it's Las Vegas, then apologized and acknowledged that she pressured me to be isolated with my brothers and felt awful. She cried, and I reassured her that I'd have a blast with my brothers regardless.

At nighttime, she called me and said omg men were all over her. She felt dicks and laughed. She seemed to be having a blast time. I was like, eh, she set her expectations of me, but she didn't follow through. I thought maybe she was having a great time and didn't think to acknowledge it or apologize. After a couple of days, she didn't text or anything to apologize.

When I saw her again, she smirked and said several guys flirted with her. She rubbed a guy’s chest at Magic Mike. She had the video, and I asked to see it. Was she like, " Eh, you sure? I watched and saw she seemed to have fun rubbing a guy’s chest from the top down to below his hip while the guy was humping or doing a lap dance on her. Then another guy, or two guys, did the lap dance on her.

She saw my reaction. I was really confused and didn't understand her thought process. She reassured me she didn't plan it, but the guy grabbed her hands. She froze and went along. She wanted to be cool. Her friends told me that she laughed and said she rubbed the guy’s chest the day after the incident. They said she seemed to show no remorse and played along.

I reminded her that she questioned my friends when her friends encouraged her. She said she didn't see her friends encouraging her. I was like, but the video shows it. She protected and insisted that her friends didn't encourage her. A few weeks ago, she finally admitted that her friends encouraged her and had fun. She agreed that Magic Mike is the space where women could sexualized men. They had to go there and it's Vegas. She didn't know what else to do there without Magic Mike. They had to go there because it's bachelorette. I was like huh and she didn't want me to experience traditional bachelor?

We had been digging ourselves in deep hole and it affected our marriage. She apologized thousands times. We agreed to reset and let it go. We see counseling and work it together.

At time to time (nearly everyday) I'm still confused about her thought process and why she thought it was okay while she didn't want me to do this. It's so weird to me. Can you help me out?

Ok this is driving me crazy I need to vent.

My husband has this incredibly annoying habit of choosing the WORST possible times to feel me up. For example tonight he slapped my ass while I was changing our daughter’s diaper. He also tried to feel up my boobs while I was reading a book to her (I’m also super pregnant and my nipples are extremely sore and I’ve asked him not to touch them so many times). Then he has the nerve to be upset and act dejected because apparently none of these things turned me on???? And I end up being the one having to console him about his feeling rejected??

With so many people being performative especially on ig where its soo curated knowing how to say all the right things, how do you distinguish a genuinely good man from someone who is simply good at pretending to be one?

What traits, behaviours, or experiences helped you recognise that your husbands were genuinely kind, respectful, emotionally mature and trustworthy before marriage?

I'd especially appreciate advice on identifying subtle red flags like manipulation, controlling behaviour, narcissistic traits, and performative kindness before making such a life-changing commitment.

I'd love to hear your experiences and practical advice on what to look for, what to be cautious about, and what you wish more women knew before getting married.

My husband (40M) and I (37F) have been together for about 15 years. We’ve had some significant ups and downs but this current down has me questioning everything.

He’s cycled through some serious bouts of depression that include excessive porn use (including escort sites though he swears he never met anyone in person despite attempts to) and drinking heavily.

During these bouts he will frequently not work or push off projects til the last minute. He’s a charismatic and capable worker, so once he pulls out of his depression he tends to quit porn and drinking cold turkey, clean up his diet, and start pursuing new ventures. This got worse during COVID and ever since, we’ve been living through periods of great financial flow immediately followed by near poverty. Any financially abundant times are used to make up for the debt accrued during poverty (this includes friends, family, and credit cards).

During our entire marriage Ive been having children or in-school (often both). I have typically maintained a side gig or small side income at all times, but have not had to carry the family financially for months on end like him.

However, he’s taken multiple years (up to one year consecutively) off from working in between projects, draining our savings and racking up debt every time.

I finally graduated from school last year, worked one year in my field at a hospital, and then decided to open a private practice (I’m a family nurse practitioner). This has been our dream for a long time.

My husband stopped working 2 months after I opened my practice. We had no safety net, so savings yet, and my business was not generating a steady flow of income as I was just making a name for myself.

I told him I was concerned about my business‘s ability to support itself, invest in expensive medical equipment, pay fees, etc while having to immediately also support our whole household (we also have 4 kids).

He said I was entitled and he has had to do this for years and it’s my turn.

I’ve continually brought up how my business has been struggling to afford necessities, my ability to provide clinical care is stressing me out, and we‘ve barely made our house payment these last few months. Bills are going unpaid and credit cards are becoming defaulted.

He said he’s watching and homeschooling the kids so he can’t get a job. (I work 3 days a week MAX at my clinic and my patient load is low as my business gets on its feet)

I’ve been sounding the alarm for months and it just starts a fight. At the same time, I’m watching the drinking increase, porn use increase, and I feel like I know where we are headed but he just says I am constantly worried and nothing ever makes me happy. He says I’m not happy when he makes a good income so what is the difference. He also tells me bringing up the past is proof I can‘t get over anything.

I’m so stressed out and I don’t know what to do.

I feel like I’m about to lose my husband, my career, and my business.

I (29M) & my wife (30F) have been together for 6 years. For the last 2 years I was in college full time while also working full time. In the beginning I told my wife I was doing this so hopefully she no longer had to work. I found out how foolish I was thinking that’s easily attainable in this economy. I told her that she will have to continue to work if she wants the life style she’s been dreaming of. I constantly stress over money to pay bills & to afford to take her on trips. When I complain to her about it, her answer is always “we will figure it out” which means I alone will figure it out. She works at a fast food restaurant where she cut back on hours after I graduated. I asked her to try to get more but she says she keeps asking for more but they just aren’t giving her more hours. I’ve asked her to try to find another job but she doesn’t try because “she can’t pass a drug test”. I’ve even tried to get her to at least try to get her GED so she can find a better job & she has turned that down & refuses to do it. Even tho she is working less hours she doesn’t keep the house clean like I have asked her to or do laundry or even cook hardly. Anything I ask her to do she ends up forgetting about. She works maybe 2 times a week & our house is filthy & dogs stay in the kennel all day & our smallest dog usually ends up potting in the kennel. We currently live with hardly working heat & have been dealing with this for 3 years. All of our space heaters burned out last winter & we will need to buy new ones. The house we live in is owned by my dad & luckily he doesn’t charge us rent. I’ve been looking to move but there is no way I can afford rent on a 2 bed room house that we are needing plus down payments to move. I told her we are just going to have to buy one space heater at a time & maybe wait a year until I can get a loan. I told her I am also going to go back to school next year for my bachelors & if my job offers me night shift I am going to take it because it is more pay then I can have time to pick up a second job during the day. Her response was “that sounds good”. She won’t look for a place to rent, won’t offer to help find a solution with me, & won’t clean the house up so I can at-least but my dad to come & finish our heat. I’m just at a loss at this point & don’t know what to do.

I'm 8 months pp and on a antipsychotic that has ruined my libido. I still try to initiate sex sometimes so my husband doesn't feel I don't want him. He told me he's bored. I used to be able to please him, and now I can't. I don't know what to do. I was angry and initially made me want to retaliate by stopping initiating all together. I felt like I tried so hard and still being told he was bored with sex made me even rethink the relationship. I don't really know what I'm trying to get out of this post.

Been sexless for months, for the past 2 years of marriage, we only had sex for < 15 times.

She always sleep late, 3 am above, even sometimes 8am in the morning and wake up late 1 or 2 pm in the afternoon.

Often get rejected for physical and emotional need, and she always says "You're not happy and I'm not happy as well, make yourself happy"

I listen to her whenever she wants to vent, to regulate her feelings upon her family and friends, but whenever my turn to vent, she turns to be "objective" or "emotionally full", so I couldn't do anything.

Whenever I away from home, she's happy.

She's forcing me to follow her agendas, to meet her friends, family events, etc.

Right now I feel trapped, sexless marriage, couldn't watch porn or masturbate due to religion cause, emotionally unfulfilled, stress and have a complex dynamics with my in laws, because I work for her dad.

I feel trapped and want just want to end my life. I feel not important..

I feel like over the last year and a half it’s been harder and harder to separate my wife from her phone. Especially now that she’s found these short drama apps. We will finally get the kids to bed and have a short window together and all she wants to do is be on her phone. No more watching our shows together, conversations, card games…. Nothing. We can go a week now without a conversation that doesn’t involve kids, work, or schedules. I’ve been chalking it up to just the stage of life we are in with young kids.

I can’t get this image out of my head from a few days ago though. I was driving to the school to pick up our kids and passed a house. A man was outside building a porch on their front door. In the shade under a tree a woman was sitting in a folding chair, just watching him. No phone, headphones, music, tv, book… anything. She was just watching him build them a porch. I thought “aw, that’s sweet.”

Before anyone tells me I need to do stuff like that for my wife, I do. I’ve mulched flower beds, weeded, landscaped, and built a chicken coop for her. She never wanted to be involved, help, or just watch. She was happy to sit inside while I toil away in the heat.

I don’t know those people, their story, or anything. But I have built up this wholesome image in my head of this loving wife watching her husband build a porch.

Now I get a moment of sadness everyday as I pass this house and think of that moment.

Edit: Yes we have talked about this before and have been in counseling for 6 months now. Doesn’t seem to be causing any change in the amount of time on the phone.

Sometimes the love of your life comes after the marriage you thought would last forever.

I've been married to my current husband, the actual love of my life, for a little over 2 years now. I came out of a marriage that I thought was going to be my forever love only to have that world come crashing down. But this is a reminder to everyone that love like this can still exist, good men are out there, and healthy communication is possible!

Last night my husband and I had a miscommunication about a comment I made. He reacted to the comment in a mode of "you're attacking me," when that was not my intention at all. We talked about it right then and there, I recognized how what I said could have been misconstrued, he apologized for his reaction, and we went to bed happy.

This morning I got this text from him:

"I’m feeling really bad about my response last night to you. I should never talk that way to the person I love the most. I was having a moment because I am trying to give my all to you and the family and trying to make sure I’m doing the right thing in every area of my life. I took that very wrong and I apologize. We are gonna grow old together and I’m sure there gonna be times that we get upset but I always wanna honor you and speak love to you ❤️ "

Ladies, healthy communication with a man is possible!

I (F 54) have had sleep issues my whole life, even in childhood. I have tried to address them carefully, medically and manage it as best that I can, but still often struggle. My husband (57) knows all about this and has learned in the past few years that we have been together, that lack of sleep contributes negatively in every aspect of my life and our relationship. He is usually fairly respectful of this, reserving intimate and cuddle times for before/after sleep time. We do have a healthy, active sex life and allowing for uninterrupted sleep has not been an issue. All this week we both have had colds, so we especially need as much rest as we can get.

Night before last, at somewhere between 2 and 3 am, my husband woke me up wanting sex. I was a little dazed but eventually realized what was going on and gently made it clear I wasn't interested. I then gave him some caresses and moved away and tried to get back to sleep (which often takes hours). I was just starting to doze back off around 4am, and was startled awake by my husband making advances again. I kind of jumped a little before realizing what was happening - that weird semi-sleep, semi-dream startle reflex before you realize you're safe in bed.

I laid there for a few minutes and he must have rolled back over, not touching me anymore. At this point I realized I wasn't going to be able or allowed to fully fall back asleep so I got up and made coffee. When he woke up he was sullen and moping. I treated the morning normally, kindly saying good morning. I expected an apology for waking me up during the night, but none came. He left for work saying almost nothing to me.

Fast forward to last night. He berated me for not having sex with him when he made advances and then went on to say that I "hit" him. I was shocked as it was so obviously out of the norm to wake me up intentionally and to say that I "hit" him - I was bewildered. Unfortunately, I took the bait, got defensive, and the argument escalated. I know better - but was stupid. I asked what did he mean I "hit" him. I don't recall him giving a solid explanation, it was pretty vague, but I very well may have made some sort of contact when I startled awake without knowing. But if so, it was very minimal.

We are not speaking now and I'm not even sure what to say when the time comes. It seems so simple. I feel like I can't sleep in the same bed with him anymore as I will lie there, paranoid and unable to sleep. I faked sleeping for hours last night. (We don't have a spare bedroom.) I am thinking of buying a fold-out bed to put in the living room.

Anyhow, I guess I'm just venting. But I really feel stung. Like I am supposed to apologize for something when I did nothing wrong...

Signed,

Fucking Tired

I’ve always been a “doer“. I grew up in a family who always had a lot of shared hobbies and loved having little adventures. I never understood people who just sat around their own house. when I met my husband, he agreed. we were in a Bible study at church, surrounded by people who would go out to eat and go to church and that’s about it. I had season tickets for Penn State football, season pass for a local ski resort, ran every day, and loved hiking and shooting. My husband was happy to go to games with me, was an avid hunter and got me into fly fishing with him, and even loved to ski as well.

now, we have two kids. as time goes on, it’s just me and the kids. (they’re 3 and 2). I’m taking them to the amusement park, on hikes, and to community events. they were both in a kids running club and my husband couldn’t be bothered to go watch them race. I talk about future vacations like we used to take and now it’s “oh no I don’t want to go on an airplane again“. (we used to go to national parks all over the country). we used to go to big amusement parks a lot and just lap roller coasters and now it’s “no I don’t want to ride them anymore unless I have to”.

I haven’t asked him to do anything with us in so long, and my parents bought all of us tickets for a fall train ride on a Sunday. he threw a fit, asking why he wanted to spend his Sunday on a train and how stupid it was. I gave up my football tickets because he said it was boring and didn’t want to go back. when he does go somewhere he complains the whole time. last night we went to a membership party for a local watershed that was honoring me for volunteer work. I was excited, even just for us having a night without the kids. he complained about how why couldn’t he just stay home with the kids, I knew he didn’t like being in groups of people he didn’t know, and “I mean I’ll go with you but I’m not going to pretend like Im Enjoying It“.

and I get he has a physical job and he’s tired on weekends, and that’s why I stopped expecting anything. but it’s just the disgust at doing anything. I talked about going on a family bike ride once my son gets his first bike and my husband made a face and said “I know your weird family liked bikes but I’m not doing that“.

edit: about the football tickets-he loves hunting and I never expected him to drive two hours one way 7 Saturdays a year to Go. But he said he wasn’t willing to go even once with me so it felt pointless. and this is after the first year of our marriage, pre kids, that he went to all of them without me asking and seemed to have fun.

I’m recently married, and my wife and I have had a pretty difficult first year.

Most of our issues were things I initially considered fairly common early-marriage struggles: family boundaries, wedding-related stress, adjusting to living together, etc.
On the family side, my wife wanted some immediate and radical changes, while I preferred a more gradual approach. Not because I disagreed with her needs, but because I felt this was a transition period where I had to balance protecting my wife while also being mindful of my parents’ feelings (this is cultural, I am middle eastern and cant juste make an abstraction of them)

Changes eventually happened, but the process was painful, and I understand that even if the outcome was positive, the way we got there hurt her.
On top of that, she felt disillusioned with married life, which she had imagined would be more exciting and fulfilling, especially after our long distance relationship which lasts 3.5 years

All of this accumulated to the point where she started seriously questioning our relationship, despite my efforts to make things better.

Here’s where I’m struggling: I understand that I hurt her and that her feelings are valid. But I also can’t help feeling that her reaction was disproportionate to the challenges we faced.

We’re still young, have no kids, and will inevitably face much harder situations in life. If these relatively ordinary challenges were enough to shake our marriage this much, what happens when real hardships come?
Soo Reddit please, for those who’ve been married for years: Did you experience something similar early on? Did you ever question your marriage over things that, looking back, seem relatively manageable? How did you move past it?

I created an account to post this because I'm beyond lost. I'm going to skip the bulk of the details, but my (30M) wife (30F) and I have been married 3.5 years, together 7.5 years. Our marriage has been extremely contentious, immature, childish, and over the past 2 years, abusive. I wish I could say I didn't have a part to play in this, but I have. I've tried to fix things many times, but it's like something's broken and I can never get through to my wife to see how she's abusing me. The things that have been said by both of us during the course of this marriage have been heinous and unforgivable. For the past year and a half, she's been consistently threatening divorce at least weekly and has ramped up her verbal abuse infinitely. Over the past 6 months, the abuse has gotten physical as well. I've ashamedly contributed as well a few times after being antagonized for hours on end. I have videos and voice memos documenting her abuse, she has some of my explosive reactions. It's really bad. Even right now, she's in the shower saying how much she hates me and will never have children with me (the day started with me trying to apologize to her for a fight over the weekend, after which she said I didn't mean my apology and I'm "psychotic").

The marriage it's over. I know it's over, she knows it's over. I've taken the apathetic approach of just trying to exist, she's taken the aggressive approach of constantly berating me over the smallest arguments and causing massive blow-up fights, pushing and prodding (for hours at a time) for me to finally match her level of anger so she can wimper back and say I'm the bad guy and she's a victim. This has been the cycle for years. I finally spoke to a divorce attorney a few months ago but haven't taken any concrete steps. When I told her finally that I talked to one, she threw a mug at the wall and tried to kick me out of the house. I'm worried to leave. I'm worried what damage she'd do to the house and my belongings (she's put many holes in walls, broke a window, broke my phone, broke my work computer monitor, and tells me fairly frequently she's going to destroy my stuff). I'm scared I'll never find someone again or I'm just not cut out for marriage. I'm worried about owning a failed marriage and being a "divorcee." I've always believed marriage is forever but now I'm living in absolute hell. I have overwhelming guilt of my part to play in this. I've been a terrible husband, especially at the beginning (at least that's what I've been told thousands of times). I've sincerely tried to own where I messed up, I've spent hours apologizing and trying to be better, but within a week of any apologies she'll attack me for how big of a piece of sh*t I am and all the mistakes I've ever made. Still, I pity her. I know deep down she's heartbroken and hurt, and I believe that's why she's acting this way. But her behavior is beyond unacceptable and she won't change. She thinks that me giving her an attitude gives her the right to walk around insulting me for days at a time, to try to kick me out of the house, to push me around and prevent me from working on the days I'm working from home. She refuses couple's counseling. I checked out a year ago honestly, and that has made her angrier. She constantly tells me she wants me to leave and go stay at my parents but then belittles me for "running home to mommy and daddy" if I ever say I'll actually do it. She's constantly calling me a coward, a liar, and telling me she wants to die because of me. Our life is hell. I can't do it anymore. My chest is tight all the time around her. She's crying in the shower right now saying it's all my fault, I've ruined her life, she'll never have children now because I wasted her 20s, how I could've fixed this but I didn't.

How do I leave...

I wrote this the other night. After writing and my wife berating me for hours, I made the mistake of arguing back. She ended up kicking the bathroom door in while I was inside, at which point I snapped and screamed at her until my voice got hoarse and knocked the thermostat off the wall. Today she talked to me about swapping out one of the other doors with the broken bathroom door, but she couldn't get the pin out to get it off the hinges. I got up to try and she said she wanted to discuss for me to do it later. I said I wanted to do it ASAP since there's no privacy in the bathroom with the hole where the doorknob was. She started saying I just do whatever I want around the house and was mad. I tried for a minute and couldn't get it off, so I said I'd try later. She followed me around after and was starting to insult me and flip me off. Every time I tried to talk, she'd talk over me and continue to insult. Eventually, I disengaged so she got in my face and ended up shoving me. Then she went in the shower and continued to insult and berate me for the next 30+ minutes (how awful I am, how I would make any woman miserable, how she'd pray for my next wife because I'd torture her, aka the usual stuff)

I really need some advice. My(M30) wife(F32) have been together for 10 years and married 6 years. We have a 17 month old toddler together who is the light of our life. In nearly every aspect of our marriage we are very happy, she is my best friend, we have similar interests, we make each other laugh, enjoy each other’s company, and have great communication. The problem occurs with most couples around this time, sex. Our typical occurrence is once, maybe twice a month but sometimes it’s more before we have any sex or do anything intimate.

I have a much higher sex drive than my wife, I’m very attracted to her and can always want to have sex with her at any given moment. Now I still like my own time and she likes hers as well occasionally but most nights we spend time together watching tv, playing a game, or cleaning up the toddler chaos. So we love spending a lot of time together but also enjoy being alone from time to time and I think we have a good balance.

The big issue the difference in sex drive. My wife’s drive is a lot lower than mine and we’ve had many conversations about it since I’ve been struggling to feel wanted and loved. Any time we have sex I feel like she treats it more like a duty than from a desire to be with me and it’s been chipping away at me for a while. Anytime we talk about this we both agree to work on certain things to help, she says she’ll make more of an effort to understand my needs and I’ll work on taking more off her mental plate and do things around the house so she doesn’t have to think about it.

I can honestly say that I’ve put in a lot of effort to be better based on what she said would help her drive and she’s even confirmed that I’ve been a lot better over the last few years, however, I can’t say the same for her. I don’t notice her putting in as much of an effort as I do and it hurts. The last time we had this hard talk she said something that really stuck and hurt. She said, “I just don’t really get turned on by anything like you do.” She then said that I’ve done everything she thought would make her feel that way more and she REALLY wants to feel more turned on but she just doesn’t. And at this point she doesn’t know what would help either.

I’ve tried suggesting we do different things that might help get in the mood. We’ve tried using sex dice, flavored lube, lingerie, but nothing works more than once. I’ve wanted to try roleplaying as well but she said she wouldn’t be able to take it seriously to make it work. I’m at a loss of what to try at this point.

I think the issue stems a lot from the fact that she has very little confidence in herself. When we first started dating she was a lot smaller but that stemmed from a gut disease that made her digestion track fail and not retain a lot that she ate. Now fast forward after we got married she finally got on a medication that worked and put her in remission. As a result she gained a lot of weight now that her body digested everything correctly now. I still love her and her body no matter what she looks like and I’ve told her countless times this fact. And now after the baby she gained more weight and doesn’t like the way she looks. I keep telling her I couldn’t care less and think she is a goddess in human form but that doesn’t seem to help her confidence at all.

I don’t know what to do at this point and I’m at a loss for what to try next. She does have an appointment soon to test if it’s a hormone problem because she wants to fix this as much as I do. But if that’s not the issue then what do we try? I can’t do only once or twice a month, I feel unwanted and think the issue is me somehow. I’m looking for any real advice and anyone who experienced something similar but fixed it, and what y’all did to fix it.

Sorry for the long rant but had to say it all, thank you.