I come home from working on Saturday/found a strawberry flavored condom wrapper on the bathroom floor. It looked like it fell out of someone's pocket next to the toilet. I asked my teenage son if it was his which he said no.

I asked my husband, he then said it was my son's. I say I already talked to my son he said it's not his. He continues to deny. Later that day he goes to my son and asks him to lie to me and tell me it was his condom (he said he was being stupid and wanted to see what the condom tasted like) (how do I know? cause I'm sneaky and ease dropped ok). My son told him no.

He then admitted to me he used it for a toy and was embarrassed to tell me. The problem i'm having is, since he lied with the first explanation, how can I trust his second explanation? Why do you need flavored condoms for toys? Who's tasting it? Why try to get my son to lie to me? FYI I had talked to him about wanting more intimacy in the marriage so it hurt even if it wasn't cheating with a person the toy is getting the action that I'm not receiving.

What do I do? I feel like he cheated on me. Would you assume it was cheating?

So, my Wayward Husband (WH) and I have been trying to reconcile, we were separated (4 months) until a couple days ago, and then I moved back to our residence.

We had a good time together in various places we were at during our reconciliation trip. ​ We danced, he was the man I always wanted him to be, then the ring doorbell revealed the truth, as he was away with me, the AP (Affair Partner) was in our house.

My WH claims I am insane, and even when presenting him with evidence of the lights in the kitchen going on and off, he claims it was my imagination. ​

Also, the cameras were just installed on 3 doors days prior to him joining me where I was staying , but not one ring camera on the garage door or left side , so this is how AP got into the house undetected, also there was a live view from my WH phone, around the moment the lights went on after he was in his vehicle traveling to see me, it is like he was trying to get caught.

I guess this is me being done with him, he also brought a magnetic recorder and may ot may not have put it in my room where I was staying, he was trying to catch me being unfaithful because he doesn't want to pay me my money. The only thing he will find is a woman who is broken from his abusive treatment.

I am honestly at a loss, I am numb, and any shred of connection or love for him is finally gone. I went from being his dream girl, his hot chick, ​his one and only for over 3 decades, to being punched in the face with the reality of what he has done to me for all of these years, and how he is still doing it to me.

During our trip, we were the talk of the town, many people coming up to us and saying how they were envious, and my WH telling me how many men and women were staring at me and us. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I don't look my age and I am very striking in all apsects of physical beauty and attraction. My WH tells me this and says he would be a fool to jeopardize what he has. Go figure.

I wanted so much to live in my delusion, but the truth makes itself known, no matter how much we want to live in the what ifs and could be's, and if only he would's ...

I am at a finality after doing this for over a year and a half, for this last DDAY, and also finding out about the many before.

I wish, so many things, but this is what is dealt me. I was wavering about going through with this divorce, even putting it on hold for 90 days when I found a lump in my breast, which turned out to be benign.

My WH health is also been bad for this year and a half, but not bad enough for him to stop. He is ten years older than me.

I am here at the end of my 3 decade marriage, and now I have no choice but to move forward. I was in limbo for so long, wishing, waiting, hoping, but the ring camera evidence ​was the final death of whatever this is between us.

I don't have anymore tears to cry, I am cried out, I don't have anymore hope, it is nonexistent for us, I have no more prayers, other than for him to find happiness in whatever it is he is searching for.

Where I go from here is going to be hard, society is not kind to 55 plus women. But I will have to endure.

I am not angry or bitter or hoping, I am, just, I am; nothing more, nothing less. It is what it is and now I will divorce him and press on, no pomp or circumstances no major gesture of grand, just a woman who once loved a man who didn't love her back.

I am so happy. We both work and are pretty tired. I was just going to eat veggies and hummus while everyone else had frozen pizza (I am type 2 diabetic and pregnant. Super strict diet). But my husband made a special store trip and made me a plate of baked chicken with Mediterranean veggies sautéed in olive oil, and crumbled feta cheese.

He made it exactly the way I do when I am not so tired. And he did that even though he hates vegetables and "weird" cheese. He knows I feel bad for having such a strict diet.

It made my whole day. ❤️

PS

I would have shared a picture, but I ate it all with embarrassing rapidity. I was hungry and my sugar had crashed.

This past year was really hard for me, I was hospitalized and had to do a full reset for my mental health. During this time around June, I began taking zoloft along with other medications to help. Eventually when I got to around 100MG I lost my libido almost entirely. No matter how much I want to I just cannot work up the nerve to have sex. My husband takes it all personally and thinks it’s just about him. He gets upset and tries to push the boundaries all the time and convince me to have sex. I have been so uncomfortable with it lately and don’t know what to do. He’s talking about it every single day and acting and touching me sexually, while I tell him I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do. He won’t do therapy, he won’t listen to me. He would rather me off medicine so we can have sex. Has anyone had this experience with an SSRI in their relationship, and how did it work for you?

Me (30F) and husband (30M) have been married 10 years and have two small kids...both work full time, he's gone a few nights a week plus added school. Lately it seems he really only gets excited when he gets a chance to play video games or golf. I'm the one that plans date nights or activities with kids...i know our schedules suck and two yoing kids make it hard....are there some husbands that really enjoy their wives or does it just become a chore at this point?

I am pregnant and have hyperemesis gravidarum, and my husband is upset he’s had to help around the house. We have been married for 2 years. In the 1st trimester, I was throwing up all day long and going to the hospital often. Now, I’m 17 weeks and only throw up if I over-exert myself. I still work full time, and at the end of my work day I feel very sick. I often throw up after work. I try cleaning the house, and it makes me throw up every time. I still try to help out, but I have been slacking. This has been making my husband very upset, because he thinks he should only have to do outdoor chores. He says a wife’s role is to take care of the house and children, but I believe that would only be the case if I was a SAHM. And he does not want me to stay at home. He wants me to work full time so I can pay half the bills. I feel like I’m never enough, and I should be allowed to ask for help while being sick and pregnant without being shamed constantly. Any advice?

About two months ago my wife randomly started packing my lunch. Normally I make my own lunch and I've never asked or hinted for her to do this. I greatly appreciate it, though I low-key like it when I make my lunch better. She packs less snacks and more fruits and vegetables. I have been getting a bit of a belly so I kinda think this is her loving way to tell me I'm gaining weight. Regardless, I took the hint and started working out again. Anyways, just wanted to show my appreciation!

I’m a woman in my 30s, married, and living in the San Francisco Bay Area. My husband and I have a six-month-old baby. I’m starting to suspect that he may be cheating on me, and I’m trying to figure out how to establish the truth rather than continue second-guessing myself.

There are several things that, individually, might have innocent explanations. But together, they have made me increasingly suspicious.

1. Frequent ATM cash withdrawals

He regularly withdraws cash from ATMs, usually a couple of hundred dollars at a time. When I ask him about it, he says he needs the cash for tips and miscellaneous expenses. I don’t know exactly where the money goes.

1. A discrepancy with his massage package

He enjoys getting massages, and we occasionally go together for couples massages at a legitimate establishment. I have no issue with him getting massages.

The concern is that he purchased a 10-session massage package, but he appears to have visited for more than 10 sessions. However, the massage pass doesn’t show those additional visits as attended. I don’t understand how that discrepancy can be explained.

1. Massage appointments close to closing time

He tends to visit massage places shortly before they close. He says they accept clients at the last minute, sometimes right before closing. I find this explanation questionable, especially when the appointments are so close to closing time.

1. An unexplained $1,000 withdrawal

In January this year, he withdrew $1,000 in cash. I have no idea where that money went.

1. A $200 withdrawal and a suspicious October outing

He withdrew another $200 in September.

In October, while he was on paternity leave, he said he was going on an off-site outing with his office colleagues. About an hour before he left, I asked him where they were going. He said he would find out later. I found that strange because I would have expected him to know the location or have some idea of the plan.

When he returned, he told me that dinner at an upscale restaurant had been cancelled and that the group had eaten at McDonald’s instead.

I checked his phone’s location history and saw that he had spent approximately an hour at a residential apartment before going to McDonald’s and then coming home.

I have no independent confirmation of what happened at that apartment or who he met there. But the combination of the unexplained stop, the vague plans, and the story about dinner has made me very suspicious.

What I’m struggling with

Whenever I question him, I get explanations, but the inconsistencies remain. I don’t want to accuse him of something this serious without understanding what actually happened. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore warning signs or spend months being lied to.

I have a six-month-old baby, and I need to think clearly about my future and my child’s well-being.

For those who have been through something similar:

\- What would you make of these circumstances? Am I overlooking plausible explanations, or are these reasonable grounds for concern?

\- How can I establish what is actually happening without relying on guesswork or getting drawn into endless arguments and denials?

\- Are there lawful, practical ways to verify what happened during that apartment visit or investigate the unexplained massage visits?

\- Would hiring a licensed private investigator in the San Francisco Bay Area be worthwhile in this situation?

\- If you discovered that your spouse was cheating, what evidence was most useful in establishing the truth?

I’m looking for practical advice from people who have dealt with similar situations, particularly those with experience in California. Please be honest with me, even if you think there may be innocent explanations. I want to know how to approach this intelligently and protect myself and my baby while figuring out what is really going on.

Please see: everything we have, financially is in a joint account. Savings in banks, stocks, our house, cars etc

I've(49f) been married for nearly 30 years, he's a hard working, loving, faithful, protective husband and father. I appreciate 95% of our lives together. But that 5%, it likes nails on a chalkboard. If I stub my toe, that time he stubbed his toe was worse, one of those times time I gave birth, his lack of sleep was excruciating, that time I had a bad day, his last bad day was worse. He's never been able to say I understand, I'm sorry, but instead he says its still not worse than his experience. Just once, I dont want to hear a comparison, just acknowledgement.

My wife and I have been married for nearly a year. She has a child from a previous marriage, and she owns a house that was part of her divorce settlement.

I didn’t learn the full picture of her finances until shortly before we moved in together and got married. A few weeks before we moved in together, I found out about nearly $200K in debts between student loans, bussiness loans and consumer loans. By then, we were already deeply committed, and I went ahead with it.

Here’s where we are now. Under her divorce agreement, she has to pay her ex-husband his share of the equity in the house, and the deadline is coming up. The plan she’s working on is:

1. I assume the existing mortgage on the house with her.
2. We take out a HELOC to pay off her ex.

She likely can’t qualify for the HELOC on her own, so I would probably need to be on that loan too. I’m not comfortable being on a mortgage without also being on the title, so this would mean my name on the house, the mortgage, and the HELOC used to settle her divorce. There are also assumption fees, which I understand can run into the thousands, and we haven’t discussed who pays them.

I’ve been consistent from the start that I have reservations about this house. She sees helping with these debts as part of being partners. She’s been working with her attorney, accountant, and lender, and I believe she’s doing her best under a lot of pressure. But I feel like I keep being asked to put my name on debts from before our marriage. Additionally, the financial burden makes I would be asked to take on would make it impractical to have kids or even buy a home within the next few years.

What worries me most is my own future. I’d like to start a family and buy a home of our own one day within the next two to three years. Taking on this much debt, for a house I don’t want, could make that much harder. Especially when her window to have kids is coming to a close as she started her forties a few weeks ago.

Things came to a head this week. I told her I didn’t want to sign off on something I don’t fully understand. She heard that as me calling her reckless. She’s now given me two days to respond, or she’ll start working with her attorney on separation.

So, am I crazy? Is it reasonable to feel like I’m being asked to leverage myself for burdens that aren’t mine? Or is this what partnership in a marriage actually looks like, and I’m being unfair? I’d especially like to hear from people who have co-signed on a spouse’s pre-marital debt or house, whether it worked out or not.

My wife (39F) and me (41M) used to have random bets about what other movie some actor was in or something else silly and dumb. Winner got a lapdance and striptease. She owed me 3 and I owe her 1. She did one and it was great and amazingly sexy (like 8 years ago). But, we had a kid, got busy with life, and that joke went away.

This year, after a few years of a relatively stagnant sex life, we've both had a sexual revolution this year. Better frequency and more fun. We've kind of reconnected.

I had a thought to pay my debt this weekend. I just bought a silly chippendale's thing and am going to do it Saturday night as a surprise.

But, I'm a little nervous in how to do it and was hoping for some advice. It will be naturally more fun and silly. I have no rhythm and am a terrible dancer. I'm confident enough in my looks and I know she is attracted to me, but am definitely a "dad bod" and am in no way ripped.

For the women out there, (or men similar to me that may have done this), any advice? It's so against my nature, but I want to make it fun for her and find ways to still be sexy despite being completely out of my element. Thanks!

I feel like an ahole for even complaining. My wife has been so absent in our relationship and i get why. We had our daughter 14 months ago (we have been together 12 years, both almost 31). She is a great mom to her and that makes me so proud. I just feel so burned out. I work 10-11 hours a day. I cook 90 percent of our meals(this part has always been like that, i love to cook) . I even do a majority of the cleaning. I just feel so uncared/unappreciated for in our relationship. I understand hormones change and it really hasn’t been that long for her body realistically but god the intimacy is dead. I mean physically, emotionally. I get that her attention is focused on our daughter but im not asking for much. I don’t just mean sex either but a kiss, laying in bed together, hell even holding my hand. I practically beg for any contact at this point. She just seems so checked out with me and if i try talking to her about i just get that she cant help but feel the way she does and all i want is sex when that isn’t true. I just want to be close to her again. I love her and i love my daughter so much. I should mention i always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since i was a kid(thats a whole other can of worms) and I dont want to say that as if im seeking attention and have been actively working on bettering myself for years but i cant help but feel this creeping sadness and tiredness that is festering inside me. I hate to feel weak but here i am. I need my person and they seem like they dont care about all the little things i try and do to show i care, to show i want to help and be here. I’m tired of begging for reciprocation. Maybe i am selfish and am expecting too much too soon.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have two young children. We've been struggling for months, and she's told me she no longer feels emotionally connected or romantically attracted to me. She's mentioned separation and divorce, although she recently said she's 90% against divorcing.

I acknowledge that I've made mistakes over the years, particularly being defensive, critical, and trying to justify myself instead of listening to her feelings. I'm actively working on changing those behaviors through individual therapy, reading articles and watching marriage videos.

We're attending marriage counseling and reading Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. She acknowledges some progress but says she's emotionally exhausted and doesn't have the energy to put much more effort into rebuilding our relationship.

Yesterday we had a good session with our therapist, and had dinner by ourselves afterwards. It was there she mentioned being 90% against divorce and referenced she believes we're stronger together, our kids, and the life we've built. I was feeling more hopeful than I had for months. Then last night she said that maybe she should move into the basement for her privacy. She mentioned not feeling like a married woman and being miserable because of it. She even mentioned a hypotetical separation where she would date someone else to see if we're meant to be together. I shut that down right away and let her know that's not something I would accept. I brought up Gottman's book and pointed out that she's not always the most active with the material, specifically the parts where we're supposed to think of all the positives about our spouse. I also mentioned her words of not having the energy to put in more work, but that I don't know how to fix things on my own, that it needs to be both of us. She took this as me being defensive again.

Today, she's been sending me videos and articles about defensiveness, saying I still don't understand and that she can't take it anymore. I feel like every attempt to explain my perspective makes things worse. She'll mention that I've made changes in the past to her concerns, but it always comes back "in a different form."

I love my wife deeply and desperately want to save our marriage, but I'm terrified of pushing her further away. I also feel like I'm walking on eggshells, afraid that one wrong conversation will be the final straw. She has told me multiple times how I'm an amazing husband and father but that doesn't mean I'm the right husband for her. As a catholic, divorce is not an option for me, I'm doing everything I can to try and fix things but nothing seems to connect.

For anyone who's been through something similar, how did you rebuild emotional connection when one spouse was already checked out? How do I take accountability without losing my ability to express my own feelings?

Please help, I'm beyond desperate.

Crap I've been married 28 years. I missed that whole generation of Sexting and flirty text messages.

I have no idea how to even start

so give me some ideas

Maybe I'm too dirty, but the idea of getting sexy photos from the wife is super appealing

Hello. I’m in search of books or anything that I can go through to help boost my husbands confidence. He’s a good man and he works so much and recently we have had a lot of arguments. Due to that argument, he says he feels like a pos and that he effed up really bad and he feels like a failure. I told him I don’t want him to feel that way. I just need him proactively communicating with me about certain things is what I need. He struggles with communication and I’m left to fill in the blanks often. Which I understand. He’s busy and stressed I get it. But I want to boost his confidence (not ego, I don’t want him to grow a big head and start being an arsho* cuz he CAN do that occasionally and become complacent when I constantly shower him with praise 😅lol).

Any books I can read? Or for husbands, what are things that make you feel respected and seen genuinely. Not make you feel like a king but genuinely truly respected. I always say thank you, for pretty much everything he does for me especially since I’m heavily pregnant right now. Just need some pointers! Thank you!

hello all! my husband and i used to have a very active sex life (like 4-7 times a week) but since being pregnant i’ve had a low to non-existent sex drive. we probably only have sex 2-4 times a month now, which we are both okay with! i want to take advantage of the few times im actually horny & all i want is to do doggy style. my husband has seen a doctor, & he has scar tissue in his penis that causes pain due to not being able to extend it downwards, which is needed for doggy style. we have tried different angles, pillows, & my laying on my side. we’ve only been doing missionary… probably for the last 10 months :( is there any comparable positions i can try with my husband? out any advice on how to combat scar tissue causing pain? he is aware of my desire for this position but we don’t really discuss it anymore because he really can’t help his discomfort & pain— and i do not want him to feel like he can’t please me.

edit: just remembered the name for the scar tissue aka “plaque”— Peyronie’s Disease but no problems getting an erection, just the pain from angling downwards & a more significant curve than before

Wife and I are both early 40s, together since 18 years old with 2 kids.

Communication has always been hard. I think I can be unintentionally terse at times and she resorts to silence in any conflict. Sometimes I think silence is just to wait me out until I give up or any opportunity fir a decision has passed. Waiting me out until there are no other choices is pretty much how all major life decision got made. Although she denies that.

These days it isn't just the silent treatment around disagreement. It seems to be every conversation. I'll ask a question, suggest something or try to get something going and she doesn't even act like I spoke at all. Stays watching her phone, the tv or whatever. Sometimes she will be listening, but decide it isn't important and just walk away while I'm halfway through a sentence. When I prompt her for answers or response, she gets annoyed and snaps at me that she's just tired and it doesn't matter. Conversations she starts flow on like normal. But anything about me just ends with little to no reply.

I know i can be too chatty. In fact, being talkative is something people comment on about me. But with everyone but my wife, these conversations are usually happy and reciprocated. At home we are just silent all the time. We sit near each other and say nothing. I try but get a wall of silence.

This is very lonely. Even the kids seem to avoid talking now. I don't want to live like this and I'm out of ideas on how to make it better. I've given her space, tried to keep the stakes low, tried to keep all conversations about her and her interests, made mental notes on what gets her animated and what she walks away from, I've even tried the same boring small talk about the weather we all use with strangers. I just want to talk to my wife.

i need help. been with my husband for 7 years, marrried for almost 3, have a 4 year old. we’ve been through ALOT of ups and downs. I’m starting to think it’s not really “normal”. he talks rudely to me and when I bring it up he gets even more mad and tells me if I don’t like it why am I with him??

example; we got a hotel to stay in while our roof is getting replaced. so we’re downtown and I thought it’d be fun to go out and have dinner and walk around with the family. instead he wanted to stay in and chill—i get it. I love to chill and I’ve learned to respect that we don’t have the same battery and sometimes we have different energy level. I took my daughter to meet my friend and we had dinner, ice cream, came back to hotel and I promised her she could swim after we got back, she doesn’t have school tomorrow and we’re in a hotel so thought it’d be a fun change of pace to not stress about bedtone routine (which I do almost every night, ill ask him to do it sometimes then it’s like 8:30 and he’s on his phone and she’s asking me to read books so I’m like whatever I’ll just do it-I do love reading books with her and snuggling but sometimes I need to ya know, shower, clean my face, try to remedy my fking wrinkles, study(im in nursing school) and just go to bed) AANYWAYS— my friend comes to the hotel pool with us and we’re sitting on the side while daughter swims. we’re talking about life, AI, cost of living, wtf the world is coming to, the usual.. my daughter gets out of the pool I wrap her in a towel and get her a little pillow and she lays in my lap and falls asleep. I noticed she’s asleep around 9:30, I don’t have my phone so asked others what time it was, “9:38”. so I tell my friend I’ll finish my seltzer and then I need to head up and get bb to bed .. maybe 10 min later I see a man peeking into the pool area and he opens the door—it’s my husband, didn’t even recognize him. and he basically mouths the words to be and raises his arms like “WTF ITS LATE SHE NEEDS TO BE IN BED” then literally turns around and leaves… he didn’t even leave the threshold of the door and is gone as quick as he came in.. my friend was like wtf was that?? I’m like oh god. here we go, this is just like another day in the life for me.. and she’s just appalled like how could he be like that so disrespectful etc.. and I’m like yeah well, I guess I should go. we wrap up our convo and she’s like I’m sorry call me if you need me. I get upstairs and it’s pitch black in the room (it’s 10:01) he yells at me to turn off the bathroom light when I’m trying to get bb on the potty and into her pjs. mind you before we went down I invited him to come, he said I’m going to shower and go to bed. so he’s wide awake spitting mad yelling at me to “turn off the fucking light” etc etc. and i get us in bed, and I have to get back up to get water and get my charger and im using my phone for light, not the flashlight, my screen. and he’s like still bitching. I’m like dude you’ve been in bed since 5:30 pm why are you still awake, just go to sleep i have to function in this room as well.. he doesn’t like that I’m clapping back so he proceeds to pack his things, tell me I’m a selfish mom with no consideration for anyone, I’m pathetic, my mom didnt teach me how to be a functional adult, I’m a bad mother, things of that nature. and he leaves.. he tells me all our problems are because I don’t consider the family and I’m selfish. his reasoning, because every now and then I go out with my girlfriends and have a couple drinks.. ( I work in a bar to get me thru school and I’ve gone out I think two or three times this past year with the girls after work so yes. I get home late, like 2-3 am, but I don’t leave work till like 12-1.. still I know that’s late and I’m always like god damn I need to GO it’s late!!) and I always pay for it with him for days afterward.. anyways he left the hotel tonight and told me I need to find a rental ”tomorrow”..

I know this is crazy as I’m writing it.. he told me I’m a bad mom for not bringing my daughter up sooner. in my mind I’m like it would be cool if like, you came and got her and put her in bed if I’m talking to my bff I never get much 1:1 time with.. but yeah he thinks that me getting social time is me being selfish and now I need to move out and he’s going to leave me “with nothing”..

so i Guess I need reassurance that I’m not crazy, that other moms let their kids sleep on their laps sometimes past bedtime and I’m not a bad mom… my daughter is my whole world.

in nursing school so I can afford a good life for her/us. i Cook healthy organic dinners as much as I can, 3-4 nights a week minimum i do 90% of the cleaning and just overall feel like I’m keeping the train moving forward. He’s a good dad. When we’re good we’re good but when things like this happen it beaks us. I feel like he resents me and wants me to leave so badly… I’m looking for rentals but I’m sad to admit my marriage is failing/over. I’m sad to break the family up and I’m sad to leave the good times behind. I just can’t deal with this type of talk and interactions anymore.. this happens more often than I’d like to admit. My friends can’t even believe I’m still in this. I’m hoping things will get better but he’s so quick to cut me down to my core and if I say anything about him, he just gets more mad at me that i just don’t even bother saying anything cause it starts a fight.

idk what to do. The world is so expensive and all I want is to have a happy marriage but he seems so chronically unhappy, then he’ll get into good moods and if I do anything he doesn’t like, it seems to spiral. am I acting too “crazy“ or “wild” to be a mom? Do I need to reel it in? is he justified for getting so mad at me for this? I was at the hotel pool for 1.5 hour, she was asleep for like 20/25 min and we were in the room by 10

My husband has made unkind comments about dinner I cook, week over week.
I work a high stress job and do all the grocery shopping and purchase the groceries.
I’ve asked him to stop but he continues to complain.
I feel disrespected and told him that but he continues his unkind comments about my cooking.
I pay rent and all the bills.

What do I do?

I \[28F\] have been married to my husband \[30M\] for just a few months. We were friends for about 5 years before we started dating, and we dated for 2 years before getting married.
My best friend \[28F\] from college, who was also my roommate back then, is the person who introduced us, as she knew my husband from university. Her husband is also part of our tight-knit friend group and happens to be my husband’s best friend. We spend a lot of time together as a foursome.
A few days ago, I found out that during our college years—long before my husband and I started dating—my husband and my best friend slept together once.
When I confronted them, these were their explanations:
**My husband** said it happened once when they were both very drunk. He claims it never crossed his mind to mention it, or if it did, he assumed I already knew because "best friends talk about everything."
**My best friend** said she never told me because she "didn't want to cause drama or ruin the friend group."
Technically, this is not cheating. We weren't together when it happened, and he didn't owe me loyalty back then. However, I feel completely betrayed by the fact that they both actively hid this from me for over 7 years. I lived with this girl, I dated this guy, I married him, and all four of us hung out constantly, while they shared this secret behind my back. I feel like my whole relationship and my friend group are built on a lie, and my right to make an informed choice before marriage was taken away from me.
I am numb, angry, and deeply hurt.
Is my husband’s excuse ("I thought you knew") realistic, or is it a cop-out? Is this level of deception something a marriage can survive, or is the trust permanently broken? How would you handle the friend group situation?

TL;DR: Found out my husband and my college best friend slept together once years before we started dating. They kept it a secret for 7+ years while we dated and got married. Now they claim it wasn't a big deal or they just wanted to avoid drama.

👀Edit:
Thank you all for the comments. I definitely won’t blow up my marriage over this. I was mad at both of them.

Since a lot of you asked: I found out by asking my husband, when we were taking about parties, kisses, etc. And the other guy knew about this when they started dating.

Regarding my friend, I knew that she had a crush on him and wanted to date him. But my husband rejected her. She told me this before I started dating my hubby. Now I think it was after the questionable situation, but not sure 100%.

After this many years together this is what I get in response. Every fight about me having a date or surprise set up turns out this way. I feel like he thinks Im not worthy. Ive been with this man since 14 and him 15. I thought as adults. Things would get better. We have had some pretty hard ups and downs. But one thing thats always remained the constant is his lack of showing me affection. It went from cute things here and there years ago. To now it seems like my every move and word is just an annoyance to be around. Bringing up a date just results in nothing. I want to cry. But I cant anymore. This is his reasoning every single time. But ive seen him first hand for others like his friends set up hang outs and surprises.

I need help from other people that understand-

I don’t even know how to explain this without sounding like I’m reading too much into things, but I swear my MIL has some weird fixation on our sex life.

The other day, my husband and I were on a call with her and he looked tired. She immediately made a comment along the lines of how maybe I needed to take better care of him and make sure all his needs were being met. She didn’t explicitly say anything sexual, but the implication was SO obvious to me. I just sat there feeling incredibly uncomfortable while she acted like she’d made a innocent comment.

It’s not just this one incident either. She constantly asks me personal questions that feel a little too intimate for a MIL to be asking. There have also been several instances where she’s walked in on us at supposedly accidental moments, despite us being pretty careful about privacy. Maybe the first time was genuinely an accident, but after a few times, I’ve started feeling uneasy about it. Sometimes I even get the impression that she’s trying to catch us being affectionate or in an intimate position, although I obviously can’t prove that’s what she’s doing.

Another incident that really threw me off was when she noticed a bug bite on my husband and seemed to think it was a hickey. I swear she had this little smirk on her face when she noticed it. It was literally a BUG BITE. The way she reacted, though, made me feel like she was looking for some sort of confirmation about our sex life.

The thing is, none of these incidents individually is particularly dramatic. I hate even typing this because it sounds so bizarre, but that's genuinely how it feels.

I haven't even told my husband the full extent of how uncomfortable this makes me because I don't know how to explain it without sounding paranoid. Has anyone else dealt with such a MIL? How did you handle it?

20 years ago, we drank, we partied. We did drugs.

We had fun. Fast forward 20 years with 2 kids. 1 elementary and 1 teenager, its tough.

I feel he can do more. I clean, I do all our laundry, I physically pay all the bills, and all the kids ask for mom. He gets to relax unless the kids actually call him or I ask him to do something to help.

Yes, I have resentment. He was the bad boy when I met hin 20 years ago but its no longer cute. I dont want my kids to go through trauma. I'm 35 and he is 48.

He left himself go. He barely brushes his teeth, doesn't care how he looks. And yes, I feel we are both a little depressed. But he finds amazing joy in doing things he actually wants to do. Take out money to buy pokemon cards. He feeds his hobbies.

We have nothing in common besides drinking, partying, and our children. Our political views don't match, our hobbies, our interests, we don't like the same food...

What do I do? I'm broken.

It's so tough to fake it. To pretend we have a perfect life to our family and to our children. Even though I want so bad for it to work.

I just can't see past what I see and how I feel.

PLEASE insight please. Good or bad. Give it to me. I want to hear it