I'm 21 years old, and I've known that I'm attracted to women since I was around 10. I've never felt attracted to men, and I can only ever imagine myself being romantically and sexually involved with a woman.
But despite knowing this about myself for so long, I still struggle to accept it because of the religious guilt I've carried with me for years. I constantly find myself fighting my own feelings and desires, even though I know they're a part of who I am.
Every time I think I've finally made peace with myself, I fall back into the same cycle of guilt, depression, and self-hatred. I start questioning why I am the way I am and why something as simple as loving someone has to feel like such an internal battle.
I know my sexuality isn't something I can just change, and deep down, I don't think I even want to change it. I just wish I could exist without feeling so much guilt for something I never chose.
The thought of having to marry a man and spend my life pretending to be someone I'm not fills me with so much despair that it becomes unbearable.
I feel like I'm constantly torn between my faith and who I am, and no matter how hard I try to reconcile the two, I always end up feeling like I'm betraying one side of myself. I don't know how to make peace with that, and I'm exhausted from feeling like I have to fight myself just to exist.