Curious, he walks into the yard and sees a Golden Retriever sitting on a rug.
"Is it true? You can talk?" the man asks.
"Yep," the dog replies in a smooth, cultured voice. "I discovered my gift when I was a pup. The CIA recruited me, and I spent ten years in covert ops wiretapping foreign embassies. After that, I did security for the UN, saved three kids from a burning house, and now I'm just enjoying retirement."

The man is completely blown away. He runs up the porch stairs, hands the owner a ten-dollar bill, and says, "Why on earth are you selling an extraordinary dog like this for ten bucks?!"

The owner rolls his eyes and says, "Because he's a fucking liar. He never did any of that shit."

Two neighbours meet over the back fence. The one says "You idiot! You left your drapes open last night - my brother and I spent half the night watching you fucking your wife!"

The neighbour retorts, "Joke's on you, pal; I wasn't even home last night!"

"She thinks I've been dead since 2018."

But I tightened my belt and I came.

Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.

He says, "Yep, five for a dollar."

She says "Okay, what's the catch?"

And the clerk says "No catch. Five boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.

(I love this joke, but I hate that there isn't a good way to tell it aloud.)

An old lady named Rose, with dementia, liked riding her scooter around the old folks home.

It only did 5MPH, but in her mind she was moving at breakneck speeds.

The other residents and staff liked to humor her.

One staff member held out her hand like a cop, pulling her over. She said "Rose, you were speeding. I'll need to see your driver's license."

Rose pulls a picture of her grandchildren out of her purse and hands it over. The staff member tells her she's free to go.

Resuming riding, she's soon pulled over by Mabel, one of the other residents. Mabel informs Rose that there have been reports of a stolen car matching the description of Rose's scooter. "I'll need to see your registration."

Rose pulls an expired coupon out, Mabel inspects it, and informs Rose that she's free to go.

Rose zooms off down a hallway and accidentally makes a turn into George's room, another resident, instead of the next hallway. She crashes into his coffee table.

George, hearing the commotion, comes running out of the bathroom, dick in hand.

Rose yells out, "Not another breathalyzer test!"

The surgeon tells him, "We don't have a human donor, but I can graft a baby elephant’s trunk down there. It’s flexible and organic." The guy agrees.
A month later, he’s at a formal dinner party with his wife. Suddenly, under the tablecloth, his crotch sneaks up, grabs a bread roll off the table, and pulls it down under his napkin.
His wife is stunned. She whispers, "My god, darling! Can you do that again?!"
The guy wipes tears from his eyes and says, "I probably could, but I don't think my ass can take another bread roll."

It was apparent.

A woman goes to her doctor to discuss options for breast enlargement.

After discussing the options, she decides that surgery is too risky.

Her doctor, Dr. Smith, says "There is another option, but you have to do it everyday. You'll rub your breasts while saying Eeny Meeny Miny Moe, I want my breasts to grow, grow, grow."

She shrugs it off at first, but after a while she thinks, "Why not? It's free, it's easy and I don't have anything to lose."

She begins doing this everyday and after a couple of weeks, she realizes it's actually working!

She wakes up late one day and has to rush out the door before getting a chance to do her daily ritual.

She catches the bus, and not wanting to risk downsizing, heads to back. She takes a seat, starts rubbing her breasts and very quietly says, "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe, I want my breasts to grow, grow, grow."

A man seated near her sees this, leans over and asks, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith?"

Embarrassed, she sheepishly says, "I am. How did you know?"

The man simply replies "Hickory Dickory Dock..."

I returned an unused tube of DAP sealant to the hardware store today. The customer service rep gave me a scrutinizing look then looked at the bottom of the tube for a while. He then gave me another strange look and I asked, "What gives?" He replied, "How do I know you didn't pry up the plunger to take some out? Offended, I replied, "Look, buddy, you can call me a lot of things but don't you ever accuse me of being a caulksucker!"

I saw a video where two girls had to share the same cup

The librarian leans forward and whispers, “They’re right behind you.”

A dad walks into his teenage son's room. He says to his son, "your mom tells me you've been caught several times playing with yourself. Just so you know, if you do it too often you can go blind!" After a bit of a pause the son standing behind him and says "Dad I'm over here" .

What does the sixth sense and the titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

But he only did numbers 1, 3, and 5. Apparently, he does only odd jobs.

Found out today you’re supposed to eat them!

Spit it out

I stopped in at the new grocery store just to see. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Everywhere was salt! On every shelf, every aisle, every endcap, every case, every bin was nothing but bags and boxes of salt.
“So,” I say to the guy at the register, “you must sell a lot of salt, huh?”
“Eh, to be honest not so much. Six or seven boxes in a good week. But the guy that sells me salt - now he sells a lot of salt!”

It is wrong on so many levels!!

WASABI !!!!

A litigator.

A man goes to the doctor with an unusual issue.

"Doc, listen to my thigh!"

The doc, thinking it's a weird request, does as requested.

What he hears is a voice say, "Please loan me $20."

The doc is perplexed.

The guy says, "My knee too! Listen to my knee!"

Again, the doc honors the request.

This time he hears "All I need is $10!"

The man continues, "It doesn't stop there. My ankle talks too!"

The doc takes a listen and sure enough a voice says, "$5. If you could just give me $5!"

The doc starts thumbing through medical journals and papers, but finds nothing.

Finally, he tells the man, "I can't find any such issue in any medical journals or papers, but I can hazard a guess."

The man, desperate to know what it could be, says "Well, what do you think it is?"

The doc says, "Based off my own medical knowledge and life experience, I'd say your leg is broke in three places!"

The volume at which they watch porn

I phoned my wife from the hospital to tell her I cut my finger off.

“On no, not the whole finger?” she says.

“No” I replied “it was the one next to it”.