The surgeon tells him, "We don't have a human donor, but I can graft a baby elephant’s trunk down there. It’s flexible and organic." The guy agrees.
A month later, he’s at a formal dinner party with his wife. Suddenly, under the tablecloth, his crotch sneaks up, grabs a bread roll off the table, and pulls it down under his napkin.
His wife is stunned. She whispers, "My god, darling! Can you do that again?!"
The guy wipes tears from his eyes and says, "I probably could, but I don't think my ass can take another bread roll."

I stopped in at the new grocery store just to see. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Everywhere was salt! On every shelf, every aisle, every endcap, every case, every bin was nothing but bags and boxes of salt.
“So,” I say to the guy at the register, “you must sell a lot of salt, huh?”
“Eh, to be honest not so much. Six or seven boxes in a good week. But the guy that sells me salt - now he sells a lot of salt!”

A man goes to the doctor with an unusual issue.

"Doc, listen to my thigh!"

The doc, thinking it's a weird request, does as requested.

What he hears is a voice say, "Please loan me $20."

The doc is perplexed.

The guy says, "My knee too! Listen to my knee!"

Again, the doc honors the request.

This time he hears "All I need is $10!"

The man continues, "It doesn't stop there. My ankle talks too!"

The doc takes a listen and sure enough a voice says, "$5. If you could just give me $5!"

The doc starts thumbing through medical journals and papers, but finds nothing.

Finally, he tells the man, "I can't find any such issue in any medical journals or papers, but I can hazard a guess."

The man, desperate to know what it could be, says "Well, what do you think it is?"

The doc says, "Based off my own medical knowledge and life experience, I'd say your leg is broke in three places!"

I phoned my wife from the hospital to tell her I cut my finger off.

“On no, not the whole finger?” she says.

“No” I replied “it was the one next to it”.

WASABI !!!!

The volume at which they watch porn

They have only been driven from time to time

A friend was going through my DVD collection and noticed I had two copies of Up.
He goes, “Dude, can I have one of these?”
“No.”
Then he spots my copy of Quigley Down Under.
“Seriously? This movie is terrible. Can I have it?”
“No.”
“Well, can I at least borrow it?”
Finally, I had to tell him:
“Dude, I’m never gonna give you Up. Never gonna lend you Down.”

My name is scott

During a job interview, the hiring manager asks the candidate: "What one word would your co-workers at your previous position use to describe you?"

The candidate says "Oh, that's easy: Responsible."

"Interesting. Can you elaborate on that?"

"At my last job, every time something went wrong, I was responsible!"

The hunter shoots at a rabbit, but he misses. The hunter says, "Goddammit, I missed!!!" A little later, he shoots at a rabbit again and misses again. He says, "Goddammit, I missed." The priest says, "If you say that one more time, God will punish you." A moment later, the hunter shoots at another rabbit and misses yet again. The hunter says, "Goddammit, I missed again!!!" Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes down from the sky and hits the priest. Then, a voice echoes from heaven: "Goddammit, I missed!!!"

A kind of homie-ho stasis.

At least I'm pretty sure that's correct.

Worrying works

Is it Octopusses or Octopi?

It's Octopusses because Octopi is the relationship of the length of a tentacle to the circumference of the octopus

When it's wet it's time to go inside.

How do you breathe out of that tiny thing?

A private tooter

He said, "Our entire family has taken daily Viagra since day one."

Curious, I asked him, "And how long have you been taking it?"

He smiled and said, "Ever since birth.. so about 30 years now.."

I can’t believe it’s not better

The rabbit looks at him and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Put that down and run through the forest with me! You’ll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at the joint, looks at the rabbit, tosses the joint, and starts running with him. A bit further down the path, they come across an elephant snorting coke. The rabbit says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think of your health! Put that away and come run through the forest with us, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at his mirror and razor, tosses them aside, and joins the run. A few minutes later, the three of them come across a lion heating up heroin on a spoon, about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend, why do you do this?" the rabbit asks. "Think of your health! Come run with us through the beautiful forest!" The lion puts down his needle, walks over, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and ask, "Lion, why did you do that? He was just trying to help you!" The lion sighs and says, "That little bastard... Every time he takes ecstasy, he makes us run around the forest like fucking idiots!"

But I honestly think it just makes the pineapple juice taste worse.

There’s a nun having a bath when there a knock at

the door.

Worried the nun shouts out “who is it?” And he says it’s the blind man.

she said “ well come in”

As he comes in he says “nice tits, where do you want the blinds ? “

Nothing for me thanks, I'm the driver.

Said Ben, age nine.