He said, "Our entire family has taken daily Viagra since day one."

Curious, I asked him, "And how long have you been taking it?"

He smiled and said, "Ever since birth.. so about 30 years now.."

When it's wet it's time to go inside.

There was a comedian who was really bad at telling jokes. Every time he would end the show, the crowed would boo and throw tomatoes at him.

One night, the comedian walked his way home, reeking of tomatoes, when he found a lamp. A genie came out of the lamp and told him that he can grant one wish.

"I wish people would stop throwing tomatoes at me." Said the comedian. "It stinks and it takes hours to remove all the stains on my clothes." The genie granted the wish.

On the next day, the audience threw grenades at him.

Too many “Thank You” notes to write.

Guess he should stick to gluzero.

That is all...

Sigma sigma sigma sigma sigma sigma

Is it Octopusses or Octopi?

It's Octopusses because Octopi is the relationship of the length of a tentacle to the circumference of the octopus

There’s a nun having a bath when there a knock at

the door.

Worried the nun shouts out “who is it?” And he says it’s the blind man.

she said “ well come in”

As he comes in he says “nice tits, where do you want the blinds ? “

My name is scott

A friend was going through my DVD collection and noticed I had two copies of Up.
He goes, “Dude, can I have one of these?”
“No.”
Then he spots my copy of Quigley Down Under.
“Seriously? This movie is terrible. Can I have it?”
“No.”
“Well, can I at least borrow it?”
Finally, I had to tell him:
“Dude, I’m never gonna give you Up. Never gonna lend you Down.”

How do you breathe out of that tiny thing?

The mods of this sub immediately shut down the bar.

WASABI !!!!

He must have been pushing 70.

Now I wanna know who Jacobson is and why that sick bastard has his organ in a cat's mouth.

The volume at which they watch porn

I can’t believe it’s not better

I phoned my wife from the hospital to tell her I cut my finger off.

“On no, not the whole finger?” she says.

“No” I replied “it was the one next to it”.

A kind of homie-ho stasis.

I stopped in at the new grocery store just to see. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Everywhere was salt! On every shelf, every aisle, every endcap, every case, every bin was nothing but bags and boxes of salt.
“So,” I say to the guy at the register, “you must sell a lot of salt, huh?”
“Eh, to be honest not so much. Six or seven boxes in a good week. But the guy that sells me salt - now he sells a lot of salt!”

I look down on that one.

The surgeon tells him, "We don't have a human donor, but I can graft a baby elephant’s trunk down there. It’s flexible and organic." The guy agrees.
A month later, he’s at a formal dinner party with his wife. Suddenly, under the tablecloth, his crotch sneaks up, grabs a bread roll off the table, and pulls it down under his napkin.
His wife is stunned. She whispers, "My god, darling! Can you do that again?!"
The guy wipes tears from his eyes and says, "I probably could, but I don't think my ass can take another bread roll."

A man goes to the doctor with an unusual issue.

"Doc, listen to my thigh!"

The doc, thinking it's a weird request, does as requested.

What he hears is a voice say, "Please loan me $20."

The doc is perplexed.

The guy says, "My knee too! Listen to my knee!"

Again, the doc honors the request.

This time he hears "All I need is $10!"

The man continues, "It doesn't stop there. My ankle talks too!"

The doc takes a listen and sure enough a voice says, "$5. If you could just give me $5!"

The doc starts thumbing through medical journals and papers, but finds nothing.

Finally, he tells the man, "I can't find any such issue in any medical journals or papers, but I can hazard a guess."

The man, desperate to know what it could be, says "Well, what do you think it is?"

The doc says, "Based off my own medical knowledge and life experience, I'd say your leg is broke in three places!"

A private tooter