Yesterday I was with my sister and she so casually mentioned that her husband and her were in the shower together the other day as part of a story and it sounded like it was just a totally normal occurrence and it just smacked me in the face how normal it is for other people to be intimately comfortable with their spouse and when contrasting that with my marriage it took a lot of effort to not show how much it affected me. Then later on, I was cooking dinner and a criminal minds episode was on and Will says something like “testosterone will make a man follow a woman to Thailand barefoot, that’s just the way it is” and I guess because I was already a little thrown off and sensitive from earlier, that line just got to me. My husband just has no desire for me whatsoever. We’re 30 and 31, no kids, similar schedules, healthy. His testosterone is fine. But I’m lucky if we have sex that lasts about 5 minutes once a month. We kiss maybe once a month outside of sex and hug maybe 2 or 3 times a month. No other touching unless it’s me touching him, he never reaches for my hand or puts his arm around me. I love him, I just am so desperate to feel wanted and desired by him. It’s always been like this, for the last 10.5 of our 11 years together. Getting married didn’t even temporarily increase anything. I guess I keep hoping I’ll just get used to it and not want for more. Guess I’ll keep hoping.

It breaks my heart that I cannot picture what my boyfriend’s naked body looks like. Not only is there no sex but he doesn’t walk around shirtless or change in front of me anymore either. Probably pretty silly to feel this way but I miss his body so much 💔

I am tired of trying. I am tired of the effort. I think I give up. After a recent attempt, I think something in me broke. I no longer want to try anymore. I don’t want to put in the effort to be affectionate. I think my wife senses that. Today I walked into be bedroom and she was laying the completely naked. I would normally jump on her or at least walked over to caress her. But today I truly didn’t have an urge to, I just asked her what’s going on. It’s be a few weeks, and I have not gotten hard around her. It makes me sad.

5 year anniversary from the last time we were together. I decided I'm not going to leave him, but I realized it's been a little over 5 years and got irritated (privately). Is that even allowed? Is it immoral to be angry when I've decided this is how it's gonna be? Am I just being an ass?

I’m sure this has been posted before. I know I’m not special. I don’t know what else to say. She makes me feel like a teenager again. The only thing I look forward to each day is sitting close to her in the office. Not to sound creepy but I sneak looks, listen to her, and secretly hope she messages me or asks me for help when she needs it as she’s done in the past.

To get a bit more personal; I’ve been so depressed and lonely the last couple of years, almost to the point of actually committing the act. I’m still married obviously. It doesn’t help that she’s threatened divorce multiple times when my depression gets the better of me and I can’t do chores alone.

When I’m alone I’m thinking of her. I’ve thought about her when touching myself. She knows I’m married. I don’t know her status. It’s gotten to the point where I want to ask her out but know it’s wrong. I know these thoughts and actions are wrong. I can’t help myself.

The wife obviously has no idea and I’m keeping it that way. This is my first admission. Couple counseling won’t help and I don’t have an actual therapist anymore. Just someone who prescribes meds as needed. Not looking for validation or advice. I just wanted to finally get this out into the world.

Hi I'm HLF and my husband is LL. It's a huge issue. I've been on here an explained it all. 3 kids, imma SAHM and he's a blue collar worker with pretty severe adhd.

Ok so tomorrow he's going out for drinks or staying home. Whatever the case is, he's going to have some beers which means I may or may not have inimate time. Yay right? So much anxiety bc this is all we fight about.

I haven't had sober sex with him in over 2 years. Imagine what that does to me? I've tried explaining. It makes him so crazy that when I mention it he says he can't take it anymore and if he's not good enough I should be with someone younger and unemployed bc apparently men in their 40s don't want sex anymore.

My anxiety is this. I can't initiate, talk, want it. So tomorrow night I have to wait for him to come to bed and want it. Im so tired of this life.

I've honestly thought about stepping out, I've had a couple of people approach me, exes for some reason reached out after we saw each other randomly but I declined it.

Last week we were fighting until 4am about this and basically ended our relationship and then we worked it out. But again. He's basically made it very clear this is what it is. He's not changing. He doesn't want to. He says that I make
His self esteem so bad when it comes to see bc he doesn't do a good job. Honestly? He's very mediocre and how I have 3 kids is like we're just fertile.

I sometimes feel like why am I here? Then I see the kids and I'm like so I take their home away everything for what sex??

Basically I have so much anxiety to be rejected that I want to tell him no sex tomorrow bc I can't handle it. The rejection of it, the him wanting it when he doesn't only.

So me (HLM 44) and the mrs (LLF 49) are carrying on a few nights ago, few drinks, talking gibber gabber to each other and having something of a general laugh and she says something that really kicks me in the feels, "we could have sex more if you initiated a bit more".....

Like ok, I know we have sex pretty much anytime you initiate and this is for a number of reasons..

1. ANYTIME I try to initiate it gets shot down.

2. Your working/focused on work (which includes working through lunch)

3. You dont want to do it when the kid is out with their friends cause they could come in at any moment.

4. Your going through life changes which usually means your too tired/sore (genuinely can see/hear/feel it) and end up in bed looonnng before me.

5. The kid doesn't sleep so can't do anything in the evening while shes awake and in the house (which i agree with)

6.you've told me I need to get you in the mood, but have also told me that can take a bit of time. But your already too tired by the time you go to bed so when exactly and how should I start trying to get you in the mood?

1. I told you AGES ago that I wouldn't initiate anymore other than playfulness to see if anything will happen but not really holding out any real expectations (Reason I dont initiate anymore is after we have sex, I try to get it on again pretty much when we can. Let's keep it going, but get shot down "you get it once and want it all the time now" or "ill let you initiate so im not pressuring you and we know we'll both be in the right mind place to get it on".

So with everything above how and when should I initiate cause at this point, I honestly dont remember HOW to initiate without being blunt about it and saying "let's go to bed", not as subtle as your, "i WAS in the mood LAST NIGHT but you never noticed"

(Re-post to match guidelines. Thanks mods!🫡)

I've been married for 2+ years. For context, I'm Muslim, so there was no dating. I met my wife on a Muslim marriage app after a long search. Near the end of getting to know each other, I asked whether she'd had weight loss surgery, and she said yes.

That mattered to me because it was always a personal preference of mine. Not a judgment on anyone who's had it, just something I knew I might struggle with. But she's a genuinely wonderful partner, our families love each other, and I'd prayed to be guided to the right person. So I told myself it was a small thing and set it aside.

Early on, I noticed I wasn't physically attracted to some of the changes that come with that surgery. I felt shallow for even thinking it, so I said nothing. I started keeping the lights off, which helped a little, but it felt like I was just hiding the problem from myself.

The first year was a slow decline. The second year, worse. Sex started to feel like a job I was showing up for and trying my best at. Eventually I needed to fantasize or think about something else just to finish. Now I've reached the point where I can't finish at all. It's like my body has quit on forcing it.

Looking back, I acted like I was enjoying it because I thought it would fix itself. I've been fooling myself this whole time, and she has no idea.

Has anyone been in a similar place, where the attraction issue was there from the start and you ignored it? Is there a way back from this, and how do I even begin to talk to her about it without crushing her?

Hey guys,

Long story short, I’ve (29m) had to ask my wife (31f) over the years to start complimenting me, to touch me and to initiate any sort of intimacy with me. She would also reject 90% of advances for years. She does compliment and touch me now, but it feels very friendly, it’s never sexual and still has only initiated maybe 10 times in our 12 year relationship.

For the last few years I’ve been able to bring myself to attempt seducing her maybe once a month at most and I don’t even feel good about it after. I feel guilt for trying.

Anyway, I was at a work party and a coworker from another department came onto me, I entertained it more than I should have because someone showing interest in me sexually was exhilarating. I didn’t let anything happen obviously but it made me realise that I’m not broken and I deserve to feel like that.

I’ve told my wife that I don’t know if I can stay in this relationship anymore because of how it’s making me feel about myself. We’re going to counselling and trying to figure it out, but all romantic and intimate aspects of our relationship have paused.

My problem is since then I’ve been feeling very very anxious and even struggling to get or maintain erections.

Looking for if this is normal and if anyone has been through something similar, thank you

My husband (36m) and I (23f) have been in a DB for 3 years. We’ve tried lots of different things yet nothing seems to help.!

Right now we are at scheduling sex, which was his idea and previously already tried with little success. Anywho, we couldn’t even make it through one week without that going out the window. We haven’t had sex in 6 months, but we had other sexual relations a month ago.

Another thing is we scheduled Biweekly talks to sit down and talk about anything, not strictly bedroom related. I put it on the calendar, I reminded him multiple times, yet it was suppose to be 2 days ago and hasn’t happened.

As I reflect, I’ve come to the realization that I’ll never be happy with this situation. In my ideal relationship, my spouse desires me, can’t keep their hands off me, etc. during our last talk I asked him if he still found me attractive, he said yes. I pressed further, do you get turned on when I’m naked? “Not really” was his response. Do you think about me sexually at all? “No” This all hurt a lot. Though I’m glad he was honest with me.

So you find me attractive but no point in your day do you think of me sexually? I know attractiveness can mean differently for him. I don’t understand how he can find me attractive yet not sexually interested in me? Especially since he was very sexually interested before?

No matter what I won’t be happy, because it will always be me initiating, me always wondering if he’s actually enjoying this or only for my sake. I’ll forever live in questioning and anxiety.

I’m not sure what to do since we have a child under 1 together.

Im getting a chest tattoo in two weeks for my birthday, im taking bets on how long until my partner finds out about it as i haven't told her and dont plan to.

She doesn't shower with me, doesnt like skin on skin contact and obviously is LL, so theres no reason she will see me shirtless anytime soon. Im thinking it will be two months until she notices it.

I’m HL, married for 12 years.

For years, it was once every 2–3 months, and even then, 99% of it was maintenance sex. Now, I let my LL wife initiate, and the sex is actually good!

She initiates whenever she feels like it—for example, late at night or right before a workday/school day. Once, she even initiated while on her period, which had never happened before... For instance, she has to wake up early to get the kids ready for school, but last night we were having sex until 1 AM!

The thing is, I didn't do anything special. I'm just continuing to try to be a good husband and father. I really don't know what caused this change.

(And for anyone going to tell me she's cheating: she isn't. I've already checked everything.)

Maybe one thing had changed is that I completely gave up, I now no more show my frustration or be "pouty" as she says and just continue to take care of my family...
Honestly I'm still frustrated but I see this as a small victory, I'll not have a partner which who I'll have sex every day or week but at least I know she enjoys our monthly sex

Hi guys,

My boyfriend and I (both in our early 20s) have been together for 3 years. At first, everything was amazing. We met on a dating app when neither of us was looking for anything serious, but we eventually got together because we felt a strong, almost soulmate-like connection. We could talk for hours without getting bored, and our sex life was amazing. I had a really high libido and craved him all the time.

Things started going downhill about a year ago when we started university. I continued studying, but he struggled and eventually dropped out. He spent a long time doing nothing, sleeping all day and helping out his family . During that time, our sex life went from almost every time we met to once a week, sometimes once every two weeks.

The frequency wasn’t necessarily the problem. It was how sex felt. He stopped being affectionate and intimate. He would tell me to undress, touch me a little, make sure I orgasmed, then have sex with me for five minutes in one position. No aftercare, no intimacy, nothing. It started feeling like a chore rather than something we both wanted.

I understood that he was struggling with his self-esteem after dropping out and feeling like a failure. I tried to support him, reassure him and motivate him to find a job, but things didn’t really change.

Meanwhile, I have a job alongside university and had my own flat. Eventually, I moved in with him and his parents so we could spend more time together, especially after he finally found a job.

But somewhere along the way, my libido completely disappeared. I don’t want to initiate sex anymore, I feel awkward when he touches me, I can’t get wet, and sometimes I even cry during sex. We’ve talked about this countless times. He always apologizes and tells me I should initiate more, but I just can’t. I feel undesired, and initiating sex makes me feel desperate rather than wanted.

Now he works from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m., and we barely spend any quality time together. We talk for about 20 minutes, eat, shower, and then he goes to sleep while I lie in bed crying, feeling like I don’t even have a partner anymore.
I love him and genuinely don’t want to break up, but I’m starting to feel lonely even when we’re together. I know work and adult life can be exhausting, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Can a relationship recover from this, or have we reached a point where love isn’t enough anymore? What would you do in my situation?

We have played this back-and-forth game forever. All of our local family we spend time with is moving out of state in the next week and it has me so stressed out - not just because they are leaving but because we are going to be forced to acknowledge this situation for the sake of my sanity.
I (29f) have gone 7 years without any íntimacy. He won't even kiss me. He (29m) asked me to start sleeping in bed with him at night two years ago and I was so excited, but no real intimacy has happened in that time. He even started sleeping in just these slinky little boxers... Still nothing. I attempt to initiate almost daily and get ignore or pushed away, which makes me feel gross for even trying anymore. I love him more than anything but I am exhausted and so self conscious. I spend half of my waking hours considering whether to dip out and find that connection elsewhere or if there is just something wrong with me specifically.

Tldr: I am so tired.

35HLM married to 34LLF

We dated for a long time before getting married and had a vibrant bedroom during the dating phase. Things started going downhill post marriage and we are at zero intimacy now.

I tried initiating a few times only to get declined, forcing me to stop to protect my self respect.

Now I spend the last few waking hours on the couch in the hall doom scrolling everyday till I sleep. I often wonder whether I should look for intimacy elsewhere.

We are based in India, if that helps to understand the situation better.

I keep asking for more intimacy, more affection. But, when the time comes that we could be intimate I find myself praying that he stays consistent and doesn’t touch me. I am confusing to myself because I’ll send him spicy nudes and texts (that I know he’ll ignore or just send “nice”) to get his attention. But when push comes to shove I really hope he doesn’t touch me. I think I like the idea of sex and I love him but truthfully, he makes me uncomfortable in the bedroom and never gets me off.

Of the most recent, when I initiate, he rejects the advances causing me to feel even more self conscious. I used to be the one that initiated every time but he says HE was the one to initiate. It sounds silly but it REALLY would piss me off so I stopped and now it’s been months. We really only have sex if both of us are plastered drunk (which obviously doesn’t happen a lot).
I’m confusing and I’m confused and I want to have sex but it seems as if my body is revolting against me.

What say you? Advice to help change my energy or am I a lost cause?

I know it’s selfish and I know it’s wrong but I really like when my wife goes on trips. She likes to travel, I try to go half the time but often time I also want to save money and she often goes for concerts. But I like the alone time for the week. Which equally makes me really sad because I miss being with someone that is so fun and desires me. But it’s a week where I am not rejected and I can just have my own intimate personal time which like I said I’m not justifying it. But at least I get some release. It has been five years since we had sex. We have had multiple marriage counselors and anyways… Did not expect this to be how things went. Don’t know how much longer I can keep doing it for. Physical intimacy is very important to me and I miss pleasing the person I love.

Anyways, probably just my sleepy brain talking good night!

After a year and a half of dating, I (34F) am giving it one more year. Even writing that, I’m not sure I’d actually pull the plug. But I need to do something.

My boyfriend (40M) has never made love or initiated it for the entirety of our relationship. We’ve had countless, seemingly genuine conversations about why and if it can improve. He’s not on board for a therapist. Is on board for medication but hasn’t done anything towards actually seeing a doctor, downloading an app, or even researching it.
I don’t like the idea of leaving him- I truly thought he was my person. He’s become a wonderful stepfather to my child. Holds so much empathy and softness for me. We share a strong companionship. But I just don’t know if I can live my life without any sort of intimacy. And instead of starting more and more conversations about it (that he always has the same answers for) and without seeing any effort whatsoever from him. I’ve realized I need to either be okay with that, or move on.

P.s. I’ve decided to see a therapist myself even if he won’t go with me.

Has anyone here broke up because of their BD? If so, what was the outcome for you? Good? Bad? What it worth it, if the rest of the relationship in itself was good, but solely lacking intimacy? Do you regret it?

Hi all, I’m new here but thought I could use some advice. My gf and I both 26 have been together for 4 years. We’re had a pretty rocky relationship tbh, since at the start of ours I was recently out of another long term relationship and her having severe mental health issues. Important to note, her mental health situation has increasingly gotten worse and she refuses to properly manage it more often resulting in lashing out drunk (verbal and sometimes physical abuse). I’ve always been a very physical person, and have expressed the importance of that connection in our relationship which seems to be ignored. I’m definitely not selfish in the bedroom and prioritise my partners satisfaction which again she seems to have no interest even unreciprocated. I’ve tried several things to spice things up and nothing seems to work. It’s getting to the point where the addition of all her baggage plus my own stresses plus relationship stresses it’s not really worth holding onto if nothing changes. We go months with nothing and when we do I’m doing 100% of the work there’s little to no enthusiasm. I attempt to initiate almost daily and get ignore or pushed away, which makes me feel gross for even trying anymore. I love him more than anything but I am exhausted and so self conscious. I spend half of my waking hours considering whether to dip out and find that connection elsewhere or if there is just something wrong with me specifically. Any advice?

I’ve been with my now fiance for 7 years and the last year sex wise was pretty rough. He (27M) suddenly wasn’t into sex as much, and would often say it was stress, not wanting to get me pregnant, whatever his ideology was-it was different the next time it was brought up. I (26F) told him how I was feeling very rejected and how it was genuinely hurting my feelings that he wasn’t into it at all. We’d occasionally do foreplay, and that was fine, but it wasn’t satisfying enough for me. After struggling with feeling constantly rejected, I stopped initiating and decided to let him come to me if he wants something.

Well recently he told me that I never initiate…which honestly made me so sad after that was what was killing me for the last year. But in all honesty, the HL side of me died after so much rejection, and j don’t really want anything anymore, and I don’t think I can sit here for when he suddenly decides he wants sex again.

So, recently I put a long post about our situation, which is basic to this r/.

We've discussed why I seem to be checking out, because I couldn't go 5 times with rejecting the forced morning kiss without her getting angry. What bothered me is that she didn't inquire, just assumed I was in a bad mood and asked me to stop that, she needs her validation.

I explained why I was annoyed with her and realized we were going in circles, both the conversation and our relationship for the last 5 years. We told each other how we tried to appease the other and I concluded it wasn't working, apparently her doing basic chores and being a mother is her showing me she loves me through acts or service, but me taking on more than 80% of all housework chores and working double her hours isn't enough of an act of service to be called the same, nor does it empty her mind enough to relax. It's mind boggling, she doesn't know how she wants me to show affection, nor wants to change her way.

Of course she is feeling depressed again

Or course I'm inconsiderate because I brought the sex up again

So I told her, let's stop focussing on what the other wants, let's start with ourselves. If we are pandering to feelings in a way the other doesn't appreciate, why bother.

Our moods changed, we are more loose and chill and she even sometimes cuddles me ,with the preface that nothing is going to happen, terrified I might initiate. I still feel alone, but at least she doesn't try to fake appeal to me in a way I don't want anyways. I'm getting to a point where I want to stop giving her any attention, even though I desperately want to touch her, feel her, make her happy.

Yesterday I tried, she lied about not feeling well.'we will do it after I feel better'. I told here dont do it for my benefit, I just got a look that made me feel like she meant to say something mean.

Now I'm on my way to work feeling like an idiot, unwanted and thinking; is two weeks to little time to expect any type of growth?

Should I give up?

37 (both) and married 11 years with 2 kids, I can't leave for the sake of my kids . DB for 8 years

People around me seem to be waking up, a friend left his girl after 8 years, 5 DB and is engaged after 3 months to another girl who is the polar opposite

Girl at work left her wife of 5 years marriage 8 years relation after 6,5 years DB, got a gf in 3 weeks.

Both no kids involved of course

Is this my fate ?

I wasn't sure if I would qualify for db because it seems this is usually for married couples. But we've been together a year, and things have actually gotten worse, and I dont know who to talk to.

Mind you, I'm a divorcee from a 10 year, DB marriage. Keep that in mind.

When my bf and I met, I warned him multiple times I was HL, and he said it was okay. I assumed okay meant, we would mesh in drives. Wrong. In fact, it's almost as if his drive has decreased from when we met, which is very odd. He is in remission from UC, eats very healthy, goes to the gym. His testosterone level is healthy also (labs current, this year). It leaves me stumped.

It isn't for lack of trying on my part either. I've had many sit-downs conversations with him expressing how important intimacy is for me. I've expressed we can do alternative things like he help me, no penetration, or just heavy petting with make out. Something. But no. I have also asked if he would try to at least talk a little more sexual or explicit in text, like when I send him a nudes. No. He just replies "I like it." :( One time, I was wearing lingerie, had him find me in the dark, we kissed for a bit... soft. How? I've cried so many times about this. It eats me up badly. We see each other every weekend, sometimes every other, and I'm always to pent-up. But I'm at a point I dont even want to help myself because I feel gross, undesirable, pitiful. But I'm also at a point that I'm done trying. I'm at a point that if he asks me, I'll turn him down. Because it's a loop. He'll ask, we have amazing sex, then a couple weeks of nothing again. That is like taunting a dog with treats, in my own opinion, that's how I feel in my head.

I guess this is also like a vent. Because besides intimacy, he is the best man I've ever been with. We even talk about moving out together, getting married, a whole future. I want that with him. But trying to neglect and "kill" my sexual side is very depressing. I hardly want to even type this.

He has told me a few times before that I am beautiful or pretty.. But I could count that on one hand, and we've been together a year. Hes never been a big texter, and could go almost a whole day not texting me. It's everything together that makes me feel so depressed.

Hi! This is not totally the typical post on here, but I figured I’d ask.

TLDR when getting back in the saddle whats helped you? What I’m wanting most is action oriented advice (not so much like “take the pressure off” but like how do you do that when you do it.. do you make a joke, do you take a breath, how is super helpful to me).

I’m polyamorous and one of my partners is fairly asexual. I say this to say that “my” bedroom isn’t dead, but “ours” was never really alive. We’ve been together 3 years and had sex maybe 3 times. They aren’t my first asexual romance, and our relationship is super fulfilling to me as is. Lately though, they’ve been getting more interested in sex in general. They’re hooking up with more strangers to try on what someone else is into. They’re talking to me more to figure out what is fun to them about sex. They’ve put some ideas on the table for what they might want to do with me, which was previously unheard of because the couple times we did have sex I asked about a million questions to feel like I understood what they wanted out of sex together and this time they’re just bringing me random ideas unprompted instead of vague desire.

I’m noticing because our relationship means a lot to me and because it’s never been very sexual, I’m wayyyyy more nervous than I would be fucking a stranger but in a way this does feel like fucking a stranger because I don’t really know their body or our dynamic sexually yet. While this situation is pretty specific, I’d love any advice on things that helped if you’ve had moments of success relearning someone’s body after a big pause or you’ve learned someone’s body sort of “later” in the game. I’m someone who fucks on the first date usually (and we did and then not again for like a year lolol), so newly having sex where the emotional connection is already there isn’t a situation I’ve been in before.

Thanks!